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I don't know if you've noticed,

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but there's been a spate of books

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that have come out lately

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contemplating or speculating

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on the cognition and emotional life of dogs.

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Do they think, do they feel, and if so, how?

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So this afternoon, in my limited time,

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I wanted to take the guesswork out of a lot of that

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by introducing you to two dogs,

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both of whom have taken the command "speak"

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quite literally.

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The first dog is the first to go,

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and he is contemplating an aspect

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of his relationship to his owner,

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and the title is "A dog on his master."

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"As young as I look,

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I am growing older faster than he.

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Seven to one is the ratio they tend to say.

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Whatever the number, I will pass him one day

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and take the lead,

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the way I do on our walks in the woods,

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and if this ever manages to cross his mind,

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it would be the sweetest shadow

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I have ever cast on snow or grass."

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(Applause)

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Thank you.

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And our next dog

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speaks in something called the revenant,

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which means a spirit that comes back

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to visit you.

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"I am the dog you put to sleep,

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as you like to call the needle of oblivion,

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come back to tell you this simple thing:

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I never liked you."

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(Laughter)

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"When I licked your face,

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I thought of biting off your nose.

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When I watched you toweling yourself dry,

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I wanted to leap and unman you with a snap.

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I resented the way you moved,

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your lack of animal grace,

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the way you would sit in a chair to eat,

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a napkin on your lap, a knife in your hand.

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I would have run away

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but I was too weak,

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a trick you taught me

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while I was learning to sit and heel

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and, greatest of insults,

0:02:18.745,0:02:22.923
shake hands without a hand.

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I admit the site of the leash would excite me,

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but only because it meant I was about to smell things

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you had never touched.

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You do not want to believe this,

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but I have no reason to lie:

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I hated the car, hated the rubber toys,

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disliked your friends, and worse, your relatives.

0:02:47.235,0:02:51.183
The jingling of my tags drove me mad.

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You always scratched me in the wrong place."

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(Laughter)

0:02:56.432,0:02:59.210
"All I ever wanted from you was food and water

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in my bowls.

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While you slept, I watched you breathe

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as the moon rose in the sky.

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It took all of my strength

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not to raise my head and howl.

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Now, I am free of the collar,

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free of the yellow raincoat,

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monogrammed sweater,

0:03:17.366,0:03:20.396
the absurdity of your lawn,

0:03:20.396,0:03:23.139
and that is all you need to know about this place

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except what you already supposed

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and are glad it did not happen sooner,

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that everyone here can read and write,

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the dogs in poetry,

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the cats and all the others

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in prose."

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Thank you.

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(Applause)