WEBVTT

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Hi, everyone.

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This talk is about communication.

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The first thing I'm going to tell you

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is that I stutter.

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I've stuttered since I was 3 years old,

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around this age. I know, I'm adorable.

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It's okay. You can tell me. [Laughter]

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Stuttering has shaped how I communicate

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since I was that person right there.

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I began stuttering when I was 3.

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I was talking to my parents about it

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and they said they weren't that concerned

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because many kids stutter at that age and

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they grow out of it when they're 5 or 6.

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I had cousins who stuttered, my brother,

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my parents; they all grew out of theirs

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by the time they were around 17.

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People thought, it's a thing

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that is happening right now,

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but it'll go away on its own

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and that will be the end of that.

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Well, I'm 32, and it's still here.

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I guess it's just here to stay.

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Those who stutters develop coping tools.

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I did... So many things that I did

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that were kind of odd

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were because of my stuttering.

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I would try to conceal it

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by saying things... Sorry.

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I would try to stay away from situations

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where I knew that I'd have to talk

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because I was so terrified of stuttering.

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I'd change words because when you stutter,

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you are keenly aware of the words

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that are going to give you some trouble.

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Before saying the word, I'd quickly

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think about a different word to say

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so I wouldn't stutter.

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I came to know that stuttering and

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the ways I was coping were taking over

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both my personal and professional life

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so I decided to try to face this fear

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by pursuing smaller opportunities to speak

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in front of people.

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It know it sounds insane

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but I'm the type of person who,

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if I'm afraid to swim, I'm going to jump

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in the deep end and see what happens.

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Hopefully, I don't drown. [Laughter]

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When I began pursuing public speaking,

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the views that I had had of communication

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drastically changed.

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Communication is supposed to be

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an act of incredible empathy.

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The problem is that it definitely isn't.

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To talk about communication,

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we have to talk about conversations.

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The way we approach conversations is bad.

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That's you, and you come up with

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this thing that you want to tell people.

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You have an idea. That's you.

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That's the thing you want to tell people

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and you get pumped about this idea.

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You don't want to brag, but you think that

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this thing could have legs.

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You're pretty excited about

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what you want to share.

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You think about the idea,

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about the words you want to use,

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about how you want others to feel,

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about how you want to feel as

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you're explaining the idea.

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You say it, you're excited, and

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you expect them to be "wow",

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that was the best idea

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that I think I will ever hear in my life,

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and they don't act like that.

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They're like, "okay, great.

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I have to go to lunch now."

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You're confused as to why this person

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isn't as excited as you about this idea

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that you think is so great.

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The problem is you don't care about them.

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You don't want to have

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a two-way conversation.

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You just want them to love

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your idea the way that Kanye loves Kanye.

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[Laughter]

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This self-focused approach

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to communication is a breeding ground for

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lackluster conversations, and it can even

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cause problems on teams.

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What do you need to do,

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and how do you fix the problem?

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You need to think about the other person.

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You need to be empathetic.

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The reason why is because empathy

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fuels connection, and if this is true,

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then empathetic communication is going to

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drive collaboration.

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When building teams or products,

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one of the most important things

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that has to be positive

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is the way you collaborate

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as a collective.

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This presents a problem.

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In 2016, the way we collaborate

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is almost exclusively via

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glowing screens, software and text;

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which is fine, there are benefits

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to communicating in this way.

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Teams have said that being able to talk

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to each other via Slack and Twitter

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helps sharing.

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It helps people feel connected

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and to build a common ground.

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The problem there is that,

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when you are communicating exclusively

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via text,

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the empathy that you must have

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to connect is oftentimes lost.

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Technology is extremely helpful

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but it can't replace the social aspect

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of face-to-face communication.

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Here is another truth.

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Failures of communication can't just be

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automated away.

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You have to confront things

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face-to-face.

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If you take away the technology,

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cellphones, computers, software,

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then what do you have left?

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You have people.

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There's a second problem.

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People hate talking to each other

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because talking is hard,

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conversations are difficult, and

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collaboration is extremely hard.

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That's why collaboration does fail,

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it's hard to talk to people sometimes.

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Let's figure out why collaboration fail.

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The biggest reasons are that people

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are afraid of being wrong and

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concerned they aren't going to be able

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to communicate their thoughts and

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opinions in a clear way.

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The fear of being wrong

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is the fear of being judged.

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I can't tell you the times when I've had

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an idea and wanted to share it,

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but I was so consumed with the thought of

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being judged,

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that I just remained silent.

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Being misunderstood happens almost daily.

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You are all highly technical people

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and you work with nontechnical people.

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Having to explain things can often end up

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in frustration and irritation,

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so it's just easier not to collaborate.

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So how do we fix this?

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The first thing is

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that you have to speak up,

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and encourage the people around you

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to do the same

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because silence kills collaboration.

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Hearing what another person has to say

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doesn't make your thoughts

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and opinions any less valid.

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All it does is enhance conversations.

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The next thing that you have to do is

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to think about the person

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that you were talking to.

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All of us are on different planes.

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intellectually, emotionally. That's okay.

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Speaking to people on their level

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doesn't compromise your level.

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Next thing, to think about the speaker.

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When you're having a conversation where

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the speaker is struggling while talking,

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think back to hearing me speak now.

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I know that it can be incredibly difficult

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to completely understand what I'm trying

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to say, and that you have to be patient.

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You have to really pay attention.

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When you discuss your ideas

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from a place of great empathy,

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and you pay attention to

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others' ideas

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from that same place,

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you are going to create something

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that is bigger and better than the things

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you could have created by yourself.

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That takes vulnerability.

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It's the vulnerability to embrace silence

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or discuss the things that are going to be

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an uncomfortable conversation,

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and that also takes courage.

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It takes the courage to listen to people

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when they are struggling to communicate

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the things that they're trying to say,

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and the courage to embrace them

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being vulnerable to you.

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To be an empathetic communicator,

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you need to be courageous,

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you need to be vulnerable and patient.

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That's going to be the foundation

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of a positive and effective

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team collaboration.

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Thank you.

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[Applause]

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RYAN: Would you like to take questions?

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SHARON: Sure.

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RYAN: Thank you very much

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for sharing your story with us.

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RYAN: It's a powerful talk

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We do have time for questions as well.

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If anybody have any questions that

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would like to pose...

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AUDIENCE MEMBER: I was really struck,

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you made the point about how people

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are often afraid to speak up

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because they fear either

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of being wrong or they fear

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being misunderstood.

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I really reflected on that.

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I started to wonder which one

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of those two things I fear most.

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I'm still wondering about that,

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but when I was reflecting on that further,

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I realized that some of the biggest jerks

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that I've known, we're talking

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about real geniuses but quite often jerks,

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who do fear being wrong

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but that don't care at all

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about being missunderstood.

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Oftentimes, they deliberately choose

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their words to ensure they can't be wrong

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because they're ambiguous,

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they have many interpretations.

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They don't care about being misunderstood

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because they leave it up to the audience

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to misunderstand them.

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Maybe I'm being unfare to those people, or

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maybe they have legitimate reasons for

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behaving that way, but I'm curious about

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what you think about this in terms of

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the kind of personality that stops caring

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about whether their audience

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misunderstands them or not.

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SHARON: I'm sure we call them sociopaths.

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[Laughter]

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They just don't feel, they don't care,

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so they can live their lives in a way that

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it doesn't matter if I hurt your feelings

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because I don't have feelings anyway.

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In terms of the personality for

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people who do have feelings,

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I think they are a lot more thoughtful

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and think about what they're going to say,

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they make sure that the way

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they communicate is going to be

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both positive and effective, and

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it's not going to harm others

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because that's also really important, too.

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The way we talk about things,

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and the way that we say things

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has an impact on how things are perceived.

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I think that people who care

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talk to people in the way that

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they have to be spoken to.

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Everybody else who's on the ends,

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you probably don't want to be talking

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to them anyway, because they don't care

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about your feelings.

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Unless you have to go to work with them.

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and then...I don't know.

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RYAN: Anyone have any more questions?

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Thank you very much.

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SHARON: Thank you.

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[Applause]