Operator: Pizza Palace. Guaranteed Hot in Thirty Minutes or it’s free. This is Mary. May I take your order?
Customer: Hi ...er... Mary. Yes, I'd like to order.
Operator: Is this Mr. Kelly?
Customer: Er ... yes.
Operator: Thank you for calling again sir. I show your National Identification Number as 6102049998-45-54610. Is that correct?
Customer: Er... yes.
Operator: Thank you, Mr. Kelly. I see you live at 736 Montrose Court, but you’re calling from your cell phone. Are you at home?
Customer: I’m just leaving work, but I’m —
Operator: Oh, we can deliver to Bob’s Auto Supply. That’s at 175 Lincoln Avenue, yes?
Customer: No! I’m on my way home. How do you know all this stuff?
Operator: "We just got wired into the system, sir.
Customer: (Sighs) Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your Double-Meat Special pizzas...
Operator: "Sure thing. There will be a new $20.00 charge for those, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: (by rote) Sir, the system shows me that your medical records indicate
that you have high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.
Luckily, we have a new agreement with your National Health Care provider that allows us
to sell you double meat pies as long as you agree to waive all future claims of liability.
Customer: What?
Operator: Do you agree, sir? You can sign the form when we deliver. But there is a charge for processing.
The total is $67.00 even.
Customer: $67.00!!!
Operator: That includes the delivery surcharge of $15.00
to cover the added risk to our driver of traveling through an orange zone.
Customer: I live in an orange zone?
Operator: Now you do.
Looks like there was another robbery on Montrose yesterday.
Hmm ... you could save $48.00 if you ordered our special Sprout Submarine combo and picked it up yourself.
Comes with Tofustix. Those are very tasty, Sir. Good value too.
Customer: But I want Double Meat!
Operator: Well, I’m sure you can afford the $67, then.
You just bought those tickets to Hawaii. They weren’t cheap, eh?
Oh, but I see you checked out “The Budget Beach Bum” at the library last week.
Hmmm. Up to you sir.
Customer: All right, all right... I’ll get the Sprout Subs.
Operator: Good choice sir.
Gotta watch that waist if your hitting the beach, eh? 42 inches.
Wow. Man I’d say tofu and sprouts is, like... required!”
Customer: (sputters) That’s how much?
Operator: Just between you and me, there’s a $3.00 off coupon in this month’s Total Men’s Fitness Magazine.
Your wife Betty subscribes to that, right? (pause)
Anyhow, clip that and it’s $19.99 even.
Whoa, looks like your maxed out on all your credit cards. Bring cash, ok?”
Customer: (sarcastic) say if you’re so wired into the system
why don’t you just debit my bank account?
Operator: No problem... But your bank charges a $2.00 transaction fee for that...
(sarcastic) Sure that won’t break the bank, sir?
Customer: (sputters) I’ll pay cash!