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Operator: Pizza Palace. Guaranteed Hot in Thirty Minutes or it’s free. This is Mary. May I take your order?

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Customer: Hi ...er... Mary. Yes, I'd like to order.

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Operator: Is this Mr. Kelly?

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Customer: Er ... yes.

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Operator: Thank you for calling again sir. I show your National Identification Number as 6102049998-45-54610. Is that correct?

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Customer: Er... yes.

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Operator: Thank you, Mr. Kelly. I see you live at 736 Montrose Court, but you’re calling from your cell phone. Are you at home?

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Customer: I’m just leaving work, but I’m —

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Operator: Oh, we can deliver to Bob’s Auto Supply. That’s at 175 Lincoln Avenue, yes?

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Customer: No! I’m on my way home. How do you know all this stuff?

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Operator: "We just got wired into the system, sir.

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Customer: (Sighs) Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your Double-Meat Special pizzas...

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Operator: "Sure thing. There will be a new $20.00 charge for those, sir.

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Customer: Whaddya mean?

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Operator: (by rote) Sir, the system shows me that your medical records indicate

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that you have high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.

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Luckily, we have a new agreement with your National Health Care provider that allows us

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to sell you double meat pies as long as you agree to waive all future claims of liability.

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Customer: What?

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Operator: Do you agree, sir? You can sign the form when we deliver. But there is a charge for processing.

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The total is $67.00 even.

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Customer: $67.00!!!

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Operator: That includes the delivery surcharge of $15.00

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to cover the added risk to our driver of traveling through an orange zone.

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Customer: I live in an orange zone?

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Operator: Now you do.

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Looks like there was another robbery on Montrose yesterday.

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Hmm ... you could save $48.00 if you ordered our special Sprout Submarine combo and picked it up yourself.

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Comes with Tofustix. Those are very tasty, Sir. Good value too.

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Customer: But I want Double Meat!

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Operator: Well, I’m sure you can afford the $67, then.

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You just bought those tickets to Hawaii. They weren’t cheap, eh?

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Oh, but I see you checked out “The Budget Beach Bum” at the library last week.

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Hmmm. Up to you sir.

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Customer: All right, all right... I’ll get the Sprout Subs.

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Operator: Good choice sir.

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Gotta watch that waist if your hitting the beach, eh? 42 inches.

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Wow. Man I’d say tofu and sprouts is, like... required!”

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Customer: (sputters) That’s how much?

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Operator: Just between you and me, there’s a $3.00 off coupon in this month’s Total Men’s Fitness Magazine.

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Your wife Betty subscribes to that, right? (pause)

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Anyhow, clip that and it’s $19.99 even.

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Whoa, looks like your maxed out on all your credit cards. Bring cash, ok?”

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Customer: (sarcastic) say if you’re so wired into the system

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why don’t you just debit my bank account?

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Operator: No problem... But your bank charges a $2.00 transaction fee for that...

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(sarcastic) Sure that won’t break the bank, sir?

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Customer: (sputters) I’ll pay cash!

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