WEBVTT

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I'd like to introduce you
to these five chairs

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because they are actually
the real protagonists of my talk.

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what behaviors and attitudes
we bring into the world in every moment.

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and the message is about

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They have a special message
to give to all of us,

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Now, to show you what I mean,

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I have a story to tell you
from my personal life.

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And I was trying to build
a stronger relationship

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with a very important person,

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the daughter of my partner,
20-year-old daughter.

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To do that, I thought,

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"Let's have a great evening out,
just the two girls together."

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And I chose a special venue,

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the Blue Note Jazz Club in Milan.

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That night, the Manhattan Transfer,
which is my favorite jazz group,

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were playing.

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So, we meet, atmosphere is fantastic.

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We are getting on very well,

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and I'm happy.

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Being a baby boomer, loving the music,

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I thought, "Well,
is she liking it as much as I am?"

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So in that moment,
I just turned to look at her to check.

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And what did I see? I saw this.

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She was on her iPhone.

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Now, how to react?

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I had some choices.

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First choice.

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Excuse me. What is she doing?

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She's on her iPhone.

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I mean, I spent all this time and money

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thinking of a fantastic evening,
I bring her here, and what?

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After two minutes I take my eyes off her,

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and she's on her phone?

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I mean, what is wrong
with this generation?

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I mean, they got 
the attention span of a fruit fly,

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for God's sake.

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(Sighing)

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Choice number two.

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This was a mistake.

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(Laughter)

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Why did I bring her here?

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I mean, she's bored; she's not interested;
she doesn't like the music.

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What was I thinking? I mean:
Why should she like the music?

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I mean, this is stuff for baby boomers.

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She probably thinks she's spending
the evening with a dinosaur.

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Oh, God!

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Choice number three.

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Hold your horses.

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Count to ten. Take a deep breath.

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Don't jump to conclusions.

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You don't know what she
is doing on her iPhone.

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So just relax.Take it easy.

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Have another drink.

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(Laughter)

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Choice number four.

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Now, you know,
what's really important for me

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is that this evening together is special,

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that she feels that after this evening,
she can really open up to me;

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she can feel safe with me, and that -

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I'm always an open door for her,
that's what's really important for me.

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I just hope it's going to happen -

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I just hope.

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Choice number five.

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What's important for her?

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What's going on in her world right now?

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What's important for her?

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I really would love to connect to her.

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What do I need to do that?

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(Sighing)

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You know, I was having real problems
trying to answer that question.

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And in that moment,
she turned to me and she said,

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"Louise, did you know
that this is the only Blue Note

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in the whole of Europe?

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And there's one in New York,
and then there's two in Japan,

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but this is the only one here in Milan.

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That's incredible;
the Italians have got it."

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And she said, "Oh, and I've looked up
the Manhattan Transfer.

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Do you know that they've been playing
and singing together for 40 years?

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That's incredible!"

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And she said, "Also, look."

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She handed me her iPhone;
she'd sent a message out on Facebook;

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it said, "In the Blue Note in Milan,

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with the Manhattan transfer
and Louise, the best!"

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Now, that was a close shave.

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I mean, I could've really spoiled that.

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Because I could have sent her
a disapproving look from this chair.

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And she could've started telling
herself about me, things about me,

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like, Louise, she's controlling.

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She's difficult.

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It's not easy to be around her.

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And that was not my intention at all.

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And in fact, she was completely engaged.

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She was there,

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multitasking in her digital way,
but she was enhancing our reality.

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So, in milliseconds,

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I could have destroyed that beautiful
moment that we were creating together.

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And this is what
we are doing all the time,

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we are making choices about the behaviors
that we bring into the world.

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And the choices that we make
have a direct impact

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on the conversations that we have,

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the relationships that we form,

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and the quality of our lives in general.

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So, what can we do at a practical level

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to help us be more conscious about this?

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Because they don't
train us this in school.

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It's not on the school curriculum -
how to behave well, really.

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So, what can we do?

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The idea of the five chairs came to me

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when I went and attended a nine-day course
in nonviolent communication

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with its late founder, Marshall Rosenberg,
an extraordinary man,

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who did so much for world peace.

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And after that,
it sort of changed my life.

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After that, I decided
that it was a message

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that I needed to get into our workplaces.

NOTE Paragraph

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Workplaces where I spend most of my time

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being a coach, a facilitator,
and the trainer.

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And also, where we produce
some of our most questionable behaviors,

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sometimes toxic behaviors.

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So, the idea of the five chairs
is to help us slow down

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how we are behaving
in every moment of our lives

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and to analyze what's going on.

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So, what I would like to do

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is look at the chairs
more closely and explain them.

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The red chair.

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This is the jackal chair.

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I mean, jackals are incredibly clever,
incredibly opportunistic animals.

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They always on the lookout to attack.

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And in fact, this chair here is the chair
where we misbehave the most.

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In this chair we love to blame,
to complain, to punish, to gossip;

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but our supreme game 
in this chair is to judge.

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And if you don't believe me,
I invite you to go on a mental diet;

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I invite you to spend one hour
with some human beings

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and see if you can do it
without one single judgment

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going through your mind.

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I mean, watch ourselves.

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Somebody walks in the door,
we go: bzzzzzzzzz,

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I like, don't like, not really interested.

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And we don't know anything
about them at all.

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So, this chair here

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is a judging chair.

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There's actually another game
that I love in this chair,

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it's the "I'm right" game.

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And I used to do that
all time, all the time

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until my brother gave me some feedback.

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I used to do it with my mother
because my mother likes to exaggerate.

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So she would say something like,

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"Oh yes, there were 30 people
at the family gathering."

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And my job was to correct her.

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I'm saying, "No, Mom,
they weren't 30, they were 13."

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So, I was the policewoman
of the situation.

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My brother touched me on the arm,

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and he said, "It doesn't matter,"
to which I reacted,

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"What do you mean it doesn't matter?
Of course, it matters. She's wrong.

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And she needs to be corrected
for her own good."

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He touched me on the arm
again, and he said,

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"Do you want to be in a relationship
with your mother,

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or do you want to be right?"

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Big lesson.

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From then on,

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I always looked upon my mother's
exaggeration as a form of abundance.

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So, here in this chair,
what we tend to do

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is we tend to see what is wrong
with other people

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rather than what is right.

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Mother Teresa reminds us,

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"The more we judge people,
the less time we have to love them."

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The next chair is the hedgehog chair,

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the yellow chair.

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Now, the hedgehog -

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When we behave like hedgehogs,
we feel very vulnerable,

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and we curl up, we protect ourselves
against what we feel is an evil world.

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And what we do is we mercilessly
judge ourselves in this chair.

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So we turn this chair,
the red chair, on ourselves.

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And we say things like,
"I'm not intelligent enough.

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I cannot do this. Nobody believes in me."

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And we have certain fears,

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we have fears of being rejected,
fears of disappointing, fears of failing.

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And we also play the victim.

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So it's, "Nobody cares for me,
nobody loves me."

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But in fact,

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when I use this in companies,
and I ask managers, and I say,

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"Where do you spend
the most of your time?"

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Hardly anybody comes and sits here.

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Because it's quite difficult
to admit our weaknesses sometimes.

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We need a lot of courage.

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And yet, we all suffer from self-doubt.

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But it's really, what do we do
with our self-doubt?

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Do we give up and give in?

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Or do we say no?

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I want to find the resources and grow.

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And Krishnamurti
says something wonderful,

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he says, "The highest form of intelligence

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is the ability to observe
ourselves without judging."

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So, next chair.

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This is the meerkat chair.

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I don't know if you've
ever seen a meerkat.

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They are not many in Italy,
but they are incredible.

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When they are on sentinel duty,

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they can stay for one hour just like this:

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one hour moving their head
and only their head.

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Incredibly vigilant.

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And when we are in this chair,
this is what we do.

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We're mindful; we're very aware;

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we are observant; we stop; we pause.

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We take a deep breath,
and we're conscious.

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This is the WAIT chair. W-A-I-T.

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What am I thinking?
What am I telling myself?

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So here we become very curious.

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If somebody is angry, instead of saying,
"For God sake: grow up, will you?"

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We think, "I wonder
why that person is angry?"

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And we feel interested.

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So this chair here is ...

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When I think of Nietzsche,

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this is such an important
quote for this chair.

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He says, "You have your way;
I have my way.

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As for the right way
and the only way, it does not exist."

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So here we have a choice.

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The red pill or the blue pill?

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It's the sliding door chair.

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And in this moment
when we make the right choice,

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we move into this successful living.

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Next chair.

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Here we go into the world of detect.

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Now, why detect?

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Detect because we become
detective of ourselves,

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like Sherlock Holmes of ourselves.

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We take a magnifying glass,
and we look at our behaviors.

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It's a beautiful chair
because we become self-aware.

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We know who we are.
We know what we want.

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We know where we're going.
We're not afraid to speak our truth.

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But we also create our boundaries.

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We look after ourselves in this chair.

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But we're very very powerful.

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We don't give our power away.

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Here we give our power away.

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So here we grow, we become free.

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We come into our full power.

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We become assertive, but not aggressive.

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Aristotle said, "Knowing yourself
is the beginning of all wisdom."

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We can be here for our whole lives.

00:13:35.334 --> 00:13:36.901
Why the dolphin?

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The dolphin because
it's such a wonderful animal.

00:13:41.872 --> 00:13:46.031
It's playful; it's intelligent;
it communicates beautifully.

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When I think of the dolphin,

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I think of us at our very best
as human beings.

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So, next chair.

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This is the giraffe chair.

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Very beautiful chair,

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very difficult.

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I don't know if you know,

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but the giraffe has the biggest heart
of all land animals;

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it's that size.

00:14:21.123 --> 00:14:24.067
And not only does it
have the biggest heart,

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it also has the longest neck.

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So it has incredible vision.

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So when we are in this chair,

00:14:33.420 --> 00:14:38.653
we are displaying empathy,
compassion, and understanding.

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And in this chair, we put our egos
on the back burner,

00:14:44.214 --> 00:14:46.224
and we listen to people.

00:14:46.224 --> 00:14:50.531
We hold people in our presence,
and we care for them.

00:14:52.527 --> 00:14:56.612
Stepping into somebody else's shoes
and understanding them

00:14:56.612 --> 00:14:59.280
is a great act of generosity.

00:15:00.710 --> 00:15:02.903
Abraham Lincoln once said,

00:15:02.903 --> 00:15:07.282
"I don't like that man.
I must get to know him better."

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So in this chair, it's an invitation

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to look at other perspectives,

00:15:14.754 --> 00:15:17.484
to embrace other realities,

00:15:17.484 --> 00:15:20.134
to embrace diversity,

00:15:20.134 --> 00:15:22.475
and to become tolerant.

00:15:23.445 --> 00:15:28.324
And the most important question
in this chair is what is important

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for him or her in front of me?

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And the intention in this chair
is to stay connected whatever happens.

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So these are the chairs.

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How do we translate this into daily life?

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Well, you can imagine, if you go to work,

00:15:46.366 --> 00:15:49.232
maybe you can go,
and you give a presentation,

00:15:49.232 --> 00:15:50.743
and it goes really well.

00:15:50.743 --> 00:15:54.106
So you are here,
thinking, "Great, fantastic!"

00:15:54.106 --> 00:15:58.030
Then, maybe you have a meeting
and things go badly,

00:15:58.030 --> 00:16:00.956
and we sink into these chairs.

00:16:00.956 --> 00:16:06.266
Now our challenge every day
is to understand how to find the balance

00:16:06.776 --> 00:16:09.987
between sitting here and sitting here.

00:16:09.987 --> 00:16:13.001
Because if we're sitting here,
life is not that happy.

00:16:14.645 --> 00:16:16.818
But if we're sitting here,
in these chairs,

00:16:16.818 --> 00:16:18.886
we're more rational; we're more open;

00:16:18.886 --> 00:16:21.825
we're more intelligent;
we're more thoughtful.

00:16:27.075 --> 00:16:30.517
Something that really moved me
very very deeply when I first read it

00:16:30.517 --> 00:16:35.377
was this: Viktor Frankl, in his book
Man's Search for Meaning,

00:16:35.377 --> 00:16:39.876
said, "Everything can be taken
from man but one thing.

00:16:40.409 --> 00:16:43.279
The last of human freedoms -

00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:48.340
to choose our attitude
in any given set of circumstances."

00:16:49.200 --> 00:16:51.236
This is so powerful.

00:16:51.236 --> 00:16:55.217
So when you next
want to snap at your children,

00:16:55.937 --> 00:16:58.229
or argue with your partner,

00:16:58.229 --> 00:17:01.135
or punish someone at work,

00:17:01.135 --> 00:17:03.518
try and come into this chair
here and think.

00:17:04.678 --> 00:17:08.757
And if by chance,
you end up in this chair -

00:17:08.757 --> 00:17:10.739
which very often happens -

00:17:11.729 --> 00:17:15.397
can we find the courage to say "I'm sorry"

00:17:15.397 --> 00:17:17.850
and make everything right again?

00:17:18.820 --> 00:17:23.802
So, my invitation to you
is to take these chairs home with you.

00:17:24.842 --> 00:17:27.189
Play with them. Make them your own.

00:17:27.189 --> 00:17:30.017
Teach them to your kids;
they get this immediately.

00:17:30.017 --> 00:17:32.715
Put five of them in the boardroom at work

00:17:32.715 --> 00:17:35.090
and watch how your meetings will improve.

00:17:35.570 --> 00:17:40.984
And the next time somebody
presses one of your red buttons,

00:17:41.938 --> 00:17:47.839
just think: five chairs, five choices.

00:17:49.899 --> 00:17:55.121
Can we all commit to making our homes,

00:17:55.121 --> 00:17:59.402
our workplaces,
and this world a better place?

00:18:00.192 --> 00:18:02.992
One behavior at a time.

00:18:04.372 --> 00:18:05.658
Thank you.

00:18:05.658 --> 00:18:08.437
(Applause)