0:00:20.786,0:00:25.472
I'd like to introduce you[br]to these five chairs

0:00:25.472,0:00:30.244
because they are actually[br]the real protagonists of my talk.

0:00:37.193,0:00:42.742
what behaviors and attitudes[br]we bring into the world in every moment.

0:00:34.680,0:00:37.193
and the message is about

0:00:30.974,0:00:34.680
They have a special message[br]to give to all of us,

0:00:43.737,0:00:45.740
Now, to show you what I mean,

0:00:45.740,0:00:48.826
I have a story to tell you[br]from my personal life.

0:00:48.826,0:00:52.392
And I was trying to build[br]a stronger relationship

0:00:52.392,0:00:54.393
with a very important person,

0:00:54.393,0:00:58.252
the daughter of my partner,[br]20-year-old daughter.

0:00:58.512,0:00:59.755
To do that, I thought,

0:00:59.755,0:01:02.926
"Let's have a great evening out,[br]just the two girls together."

0:01:02.926,0:01:07.000
And I chose a special venue,

0:01:07.390,0:01:09.650
the Blue Note Jazz Club in Milan.

0:01:10.120,0:01:14.052
That night, the Manhattan Transfer,[br]which is my favorite jazz group,

0:01:14.052,0:01:15.402
were playing.

0:01:15.402,0:01:18.294
So, we meet, atmosphere is fantastic.

0:01:18.294,0:01:20.001
We are getting on very well,

0:01:20.001,0:01:21.795
and I'm happy.

0:01:24.475,0:01:27.263
Being a baby boomer, loving the music,

0:01:28.508,0:01:31.445
I thought, "Well,[br]is she liking it as much as I am?"

0:01:31.445,0:01:34.519
So in that moment,[br]I just turned to look at her to check.

0:01:35.653,0:01:38.823
And what did I see? I saw this.

0:01:39.893,0:01:41.824
She was on her iPhone.

0:01:43.234,0:01:45.816
Now, how to react?

0:01:45.816,0:01:47.295
I had some choices.

0:01:48.075,0:01:49.194
First choice.

0:01:52.904,0:01:56.117
Excuse me. What is she doing?

0:01:56.117,0:01:57.319
She's on her iPhone.

0:01:57.319,0:01:59.274
I mean, I spent all this time and money

0:01:59.274,0:02:02.346
thinking of a fantastic evening,[br]I bring her here, and what?

0:02:02.346,0:02:04.399
After two minutes I take my eyes off her,

0:02:04.399,0:02:05.969
and she's on her phone?

0:02:05.969,0:02:08.566
I mean, what is wrong[br]with this generation?

0:02:08.566,0:02:11.528
I mean, they got [br]the attention span of a fruit fly,

0:02:11.528,0:02:14.098
for God's sake.

0:02:14.098,0:02:15.718
(Sighing)

0:02:18.088,0:02:19.867
Choice number two.

0:02:23.807,0:02:25.557
This was a mistake.

0:02:25.557,0:02:27.076
(Laughter)

0:02:27.076,0:02:28.779
Why did I bring her here?

0:02:28.779,0:02:32.997
I mean, she's bored; she's not interested;[br]she doesn't like the music.

0:02:32.997,0:02:36.549
What was I thinking? I mean:[br]Why should she like the music?

0:02:36.549,0:02:39.567
I mean, this is stuff for baby boomers.

0:02:40.177,0:02:43.459
She probably thinks she's spending[br]the evening with a dinosaur.

0:02:44.249,0:02:45.652
Oh, God!

0:02:46.622,0:02:49.258
Choice number three.

0:02:52.638,0:02:54.918
Hold your horses.

0:02:54.918,0:02:57.489
Count to ten. Take a deep breath.

0:02:58.249,0:03:00.559
Don't jump to conclusions.

0:03:00.559,0:03:02.869
You don't know what she[br]is doing on her iPhone.

0:03:02.869,0:03:05.310
So just relax.Take it easy.

0:03:06.710,0:03:08.151
Have another drink.

0:03:08.151,0:03:10.527
(Laughter)

0:03:11.277,0:03:13.031
Choice number four.

0:03:14.991,0:03:17.498
Now, you know,[br]what's really important for me

0:03:17.498,0:03:20.880
is that this evening together is special,

0:03:20.880,0:03:24.711
that she feels that after this evening,[br]she can really open up to me;

0:03:24.711,0:03:27.051
she can feel safe with me, and that -

0:03:27.051,0:03:30.622
I'm always an open door for her,[br]that's what's really important for me.

0:03:31.332,0:03:33.210
I just hope it's going to happen -

0:03:33.210,0:03:34.602
I just hope.

0:03:36.382,0:03:38.462
Choice number five.

0:03:43.832,0:03:45.867
What's important for her?

0:03:45.867,0:03:48.642
What's going on in her world right now?

0:03:49.412,0:03:50.838
What's important for her?

0:03:50.838,0:03:53.042
I really would love to connect to her.

0:03:53.042,0:03:54.562
What do I need to do that?

0:03:55.212,0:03:56.432
(Sighing)

0:03:56.432,0:03:59.812
You know, I was having real problems[br]trying to answer that question.

0:03:59.812,0:04:04.056
And in that moment,[br]she turned to me and she said,

0:04:05.183,0:04:08.112
"Louise, did you know[br]that this is the only Blue Note

0:04:08.112,0:04:09.922
in the whole of Europe?

0:04:09.922,0:04:13.142
And there's one in New York,[br]and then there's two in Japan,

0:04:13.142,0:04:15.011
but this is the only one here in Milan.

0:04:15.011,0:04:17.484
That's incredible;[br]the Italians have got it."

0:04:17.484,0:04:21.186
And she said, "Oh, and I've looked up[br]the Manhattan Transfer.

0:04:21.186,0:04:24.942
Do you know that they've been playing[br]and singing together for 40 years?

0:04:24.942,0:04:26.511
That's incredible!"

0:04:27.421,0:04:30.044
And she said, "Also, look."

0:04:30.604,0:04:34.614
She handed me her iPhone;[br]she'd sent a message out on Facebook;

0:04:34.614,0:04:37.752
it said, "In the Blue Note in Milan,

0:04:38.603,0:04:43.373
with the Manhattan transfer[br]and Louise, the best!"

0:04:46.223,0:04:49.102
Now, that was a close shave.

0:04:49.102,0:04:51.194
I mean, I could've really spoiled that.

0:04:51.194,0:04:55.513
Because I could have sent her[br]a disapproving look from this chair.

0:04:56.243,0:04:59.883
And she could've started telling[br]herself about me, things about me,

0:04:59.883,0:05:04.092
like, Louise, she's controlling.

0:05:04.092,0:05:05.794
She's difficult.

0:05:05.794,0:05:08.115
It's not easy to be around her.

0:05:08.115,0:05:10.505
And that was not my intention at all.

0:05:10.505,0:05:13.648
And in fact, she was completely engaged.

0:05:13.648,0:05:14.702
She was there,

0:05:14.702,0:05:19.247
multitasking in her digital way,[br]but she was enhancing our reality.

0:05:19.247,0:05:21.394
So, in milliseconds,

0:05:21.394,0:05:25.333
I could have destroyed that beautiful[br]moment that we were creating together.

0:05:26.413,0:05:29.395
And this is what[br]we are doing all the time,

0:05:29.395,0:05:34.152
we are making choices about the behaviors[br]that we bring into the world.

0:05:34.796,0:05:38.375
And the choices that we make[br]have a direct impact

0:05:38.375,0:05:41.405
on the conversations that we have,

0:05:41.405,0:05:43.980
the relationships that we form,

0:05:43.980,0:05:46.985
and the quality of our lives in general.

0:05:47.625,0:05:52.815
So, what can we do at a practical level

0:05:52.815,0:05:55.065
to help us be more conscious about this?

0:05:55.065,0:05:57.061
Because they don't[br]train us this in school.

0:05:57.061,0:06:00.579
It's not on the school curriculum -[br]how to behave well, really.

0:06:00.579,0:06:02.274
So, what can we do?

0:06:02.274,0:06:05.532
The idea of the five chairs came to me

0:06:05.532,0:06:11.836
when I went and attended a nine-day course[br]in nonviolent communication

0:06:11.836,0:06:16.325
with its late founder, Marshall Rosenberg,[br]an extraordinary man,

0:06:16.325,0:06:19.327
who did so much for world peace.

0:06:19.327,0:06:21.867
And after that,[br]it sort of changed my life.

0:06:21.867,0:06:24.537
After that, I decided[br]that it was a message

0:06:24.537,0:06:28.347
that I needed to get into our workplaces.

0:06:28.347,0:06:30.797
Workplaces where I spend most of my time

0:06:30.797,0:06:35.182
being a coach, a facilitator,[br]and the trainer.

0:06:35.717,0:06:41.646
And also, where we produce[br]some of our most questionable behaviors,

0:06:41.646,0:06:44.277
sometimes toxic behaviors.

0:06:44.667,0:06:49.691
So, the idea of the five chairs[br]is to help us slow down

0:06:49.691,0:06:53.559
how we are behaving[br]in every moment of our lives

0:06:53.559,0:06:55.332
and to analyze what's going on.

0:06:55.933,0:06:57.655
So, what I would like to do

0:06:57.655,0:07:02.294
is look at the chairs[br]more closely and explain them.

0:07:02.294,0:07:03.833
The red chair.

0:07:08.323,0:07:11.017
This is the jackal chair.

0:07:11.017,0:07:16.607
I mean, jackals are incredibly clever,[br]incredibly opportunistic animals.

0:07:16.607,0:07:19.419
They always on the lookout to attack.

0:07:20.119,0:07:25.778
And in fact, this chair here is the chair[br]where we misbehave the most.

0:07:26.375,0:07:33.030
In this chair we love to blame,[br]to complain, to punish, to gossip;

0:07:33.469,0:07:37.798
but our supreme game [br]in this chair is to judge.

0:07:38.478,0:07:43.178
And if you don't believe me,[br]I invite you to go on a mental diet;

0:07:43.751,0:07:49.214
I invite you to spend one hour[br]with some human beings

0:07:49.801,0:07:53.629
and see if you can do it[br]without one single judgment

0:07:53.629,0:07:55.366
going through your mind.

0:07:56.139,0:07:57.682
I mean, watch ourselves.

0:07:57.682,0:08:00.439
Somebody walks in the door,[br]we go: bzzzzzzzzz,

0:08:01.199,0:08:03.995
I like, don't like, not really interested.

0:08:04.425,0:08:07.010
And we don't know anything[br]about them at all.

0:08:07.010,0:08:08.994
So, this chair here

0:08:09.964,0:08:11.442
is a judging chair.

0:08:11.442,0:08:14.507
There's actually another game[br]that I love in this chair,

0:08:14.507,0:08:17.164
it's the "I'm right" game.

0:08:17.164,0:08:19.680
And I used to do that[br]all time, all the time

0:08:19.680,0:08:22.330
until my brother gave me some feedback.

0:08:22.330,0:08:25.602
I used to do it with my mother[br]because my mother likes to exaggerate.

0:08:25.602,0:08:27.668
So she would say something like,

0:08:27.668,0:08:31.095
"Oh yes, there were 30 people[br]at the family gathering."

0:08:32.010,0:08:33.712
And my job was to correct her.

0:08:33.712,0:08:37.532
I'm saying, "No, Mom,[br]they weren't 30, they were 13."

0:08:38.172,0:08:41.241
So, I was the policewoman[br]of the situation.

0:08:42.541,0:08:44.561
My brother touched me on the arm,

0:08:44.561,0:08:49.836
and he said, "It doesn't matter,"[br]to which I reacted,

0:08:49.836,0:08:53.272
"What do you mean it doesn't matter?[br]Of course, it matters. She's wrong.

0:08:53.272,0:08:55.603
And she needs to be corrected[br]for her own good."

0:08:57.549,0:09:00.414
He touched me on the arm[br]again, and he said,

0:09:00.414,0:09:03.352
"Do you want to be in a relationship[br]with your mother,

0:09:03.352,0:09:06.043
or do you want to be right?"

0:09:08.192,0:09:09.923
Big lesson.

0:09:09.923,0:09:10.935
From then on,

0:09:10.935,0:09:16.362
I always looked upon my mother's[br]exaggeration as a form of abundance.

0:09:17.682,0:09:20.478
So, here in this chair,[br]what we tend to do

0:09:20.478,0:09:23.381
is we tend to see what is wrong[br]with other people

0:09:23.381,0:09:24.984
rather than what is right.

0:09:24.984,0:09:27.282
Mother Teresa reminds us,

0:09:27.282,0:09:32.473
"The more we judge people,[br]the less time we have to love them."

0:09:34.334,0:09:37.019
The next chair is the hedgehog chair,

0:09:37.019,0:09:38.019
the yellow chair.

0:09:38.019,0:09:40.103
Now, the hedgehog -

0:09:40.103,0:09:43.127
When we behave like hedgehogs,[br]we feel very vulnerable,

0:09:43.127,0:09:49.243
and we curl up, we protect ourselves[br]against what we feel is an evil world.

0:09:49.652,0:09:54.459
And what we do is we mercilessly[br]judge ourselves in this chair.

0:09:54.459,0:09:59.152
So we turn this chair,[br]the red chair, on ourselves.

0:09:59.612,0:10:02.216
And we say things like,[br]"I'm not intelligent enough.

0:10:02.216,0:10:05.314
I cannot do this. Nobody believes in me."

0:10:05.714,0:10:07.403
And we have certain fears,

0:10:07.403,0:10:14.068
we have fears of being rejected,[br]fears of disappointing, fears of failing.

0:10:14.493,0:10:16.214
And we also play the victim.

0:10:16.214,0:10:20.515
So it's, "Nobody cares for me,[br]nobody loves me."

0:10:21.425,0:10:23.004
But in fact,

0:10:23.004,0:10:27.105
when I use this in companies,[br]and I ask managers, and I say,

0:10:27.105,0:10:29.749
"Where do you spend[br]the most of your time?"

0:10:30.699,0:10:33.695
Hardly anybody comes and sits here.

0:10:33.695,0:10:37.732
Because it's quite difficult[br]to admit our weaknesses sometimes.

0:10:37.732,0:10:39.396
We need a lot of courage.

0:10:39.396,0:10:43.144
And yet, we all suffer from self-doubt.

0:10:43.144,0:10:46.224
But it's really, what do we do[br]with our self-doubt?

0:10:47.214,0:10:49.195
Do we give up and give in?

0:10:50.005,0:10:51.491
Or do we say no?

0:10:51.491,0:10:53.647
I want to find the resources and grow.

0:10:54.387,0:10:57.114
And Krishnamurti[br]says something wonderful,

0:10:57.114,0:11:00.214
he says, "The highest form of intelligence

0:11:00.214,0:11:04.803
is the ability to observe[br]ourselves without judging."

0:11:05.993,0:11:08.585
So, next chair.

0:11:10.845,0:11:13.515
This is the meerkat chair.

0:11:13.515,0:11:16.226
I don't know if you've[br]ever seen a meerkat.

0:11:16.226,0:11:20.758
They are not many in Italy,[br]but they are incredible.

0:11:20.758,0:11:22.787
When they are on sentinel duty,

0:11:22.787,0:11:26.246
they can stay for one hour just like this:

0:11:26.246,0:11:29.886
one hour moving their head[br]and only their head.

0:11:29.886,0:11:31.678
Incredibly vigilant.

0:11:31.678,0:11:34.965
And when we are in this chair,[br]this is what we do.

0:11:34.965,0:11:37.327
We're mindful; we're very aware;

0:11:37.327,0:11:40.236
we are observant; we stop; we pause.

0:11:40.236,0:11:43.098
We take a deep breath,[br]and we're conscious.

0:11:43.098,0:11:47.436
This is the WAIT chair. W-A-I-T.

0:11:48.006,0:11:52.488
What am I thinking?[br]What am I telling myself?

0:11:53.129,0:11:55.608
So here we become very curious.

0:11:55.608,0:12:00.206
If somebody is angry, instead of saying,[br]"For God sake: grow up, will you?"

0:12:00.557,0:12:03.936
We think, "I wonder[br]why that person is angry?"

0:12:03.936,0:12:05.858
And we feel interested.

0:12:05.858,0:12:07.882
So this chair here is ...

0:12:09.312,0:12:10.622
When I think of Nietzsche,

0:12:10.622,0:12:12.818
this is such an important[br]quote for this chair.

0:12:12.818,0:12:17.068
He says, "You have your way;[br]I have my way.

0:12:17.068,0:12:21.831
As for the right way[br]and the only way, it does not exist."

0:12:22.648,0:12:24.719
So here we have a choice.

0:12:26.259,0:12:29.157
The red pill or the blue pill?

0:12:29.157,0:12:31.517
It's the sliding door chair.

0:12:31.517,0:12:35.132
And in this moment[br]when we make the right choice,

0:12:35.132,0:12:38.544
we move into this successful living.

0:12:39.634,0:12:41.023
Next chair.

0:12:41.813,0:12:44.518
Here we go into the world of detect.

0:12:44.518,0:12:46.337
Now, why detect?

0:12:46.337,0:12:49.987
Detect because we become[br]detective of ourselves,

0:12:49.987,0:12:51.815
like Sherlock Holmes of ourselves.

0:12:51.815,0:12:56.443
We take a magnifying glass,[br]and we look at our behaviors.

0:12:56.443,0:13:00.128
It's a beautiful chair[br]because we become self-aware.

0:13:00.132,0:13:02.517
We know who we are.[br]We know what we want.

0:13:02.517,0:13:06.160
We know where we're going.[br]We're not afraid to speak our truth.

0:13:06.160,0:13:08.856
But we also create our boundaries.

0:13:08.856,0:13:10.976
We look after ourselves in this chair.

0:13:10.976,0:13:12.642
But we're very very powerful.

0:13:12.642,0:13:14.449
We don't give our power away.

0:13:14.569,0:13:16.501
Here we give our power away.

0:13:16.501,0:13:19.947
So here we grow, we become free.

0:13:19.947,0:13:22.091
We come into our full power.

0:13:22.091,0:13:25.880
We become assertive, but not aggressive.

0:13:26.530,0:13:32.024
Aristotle said, "Knowing yourself[br]is the beginning of all wisdom."

0:13:32.024,0:13:35.334
We can be here for our whole lives.

0:13:35.334,0:13:36.901
Why the dolphin?

0:13:36.901,0:13:41.872
The dolphin because[br]it's such a wonderful animal.

0:13:41.872,0:13:46.031
It's playful; it's intelligent;[br]it communicates beautifully.

0:13:46.031,0:13:47.471
When I think of the dolphin,

0:13:47.471,0:13:52.150
I think of us at our very best[br]as human beings.

0:13:53.661,0:13:55.672
So, next chair.

0:14:01.872,0:14:05.230
This is the giraffe chair.

0:14:06.330,0:14:08.183
Very beautiful chair,

0:14:09.043,0:14:10.759
very difficult.

0:14:10.759,0:14:13.332
I don't know if you know,

0:14:13.332,0:14:19.613
but the giraffe has the biggest heart[br]of all land animals;

0:14:19.613,0:14:21.123
it's that size.

0:14:21.123,0:14:24.067
And not only does it[br]have the biggest heart,

0:14:24.067,0:14:27.032
it also has the longest neck.

0:14:27.532,0:14:29.831
So it has incredible vision.

0:14:30.261,0:14:33.420
So when we are in this chair,

0:14:33.420,0:14:38.653
we are displaying empathy,[br]compassion, and understanding.

0:14:39.374,0:14:43.514
And in this chair, we put our egos[br]on the back burner,

0:14:44.214,0:14:46.224
and we listen to people.

0:14:46.224,0:14:50.531
We hold people in our presence,[br]and we care for them.

0:14:52.527,0:14:56.612
Stepping into somebody else's shoes[br]and understanding them

0:14:56.612,0:14:59.280
is a great act of generosity.

0:15:00.710,0:15:02.903
Abraham Lincoln once said,

0:15:02.903,0:15:07.282
"I don't like that man.[br]I must get to know him better."

0:15:08.752,0:15:11.724
So in this chair, it's an invitation

0:15:12.504,0:15:14.754
to look at other perspectives,

0:15:14.754,0:15:17.484
to embrace other realities,

0:15:17.484,0:15:20.134
to embrace diversity,

0:15:20.134,0:15:22.475
and to become tolerant.

0:15:23.445,0:15:28.324
And the most important question[br]in this chair is what is important

0:15:28.324,0:15:30.927
for him or her in front of me?

0:15:30.927,0:15:36.375
And the intention in this chair[br]is to stay connected whatever happens.

0:15:37.365,0:15:39.306
So these are the chairs.

0:15:40.386,0:15:42.772
How do we translate this into daily life?

0:15:42.772,0:15:45.766
Well, you can imagine, if you go to work,

0:15:46.366,0:15:49.232
maybe you can go,[br]and you give a presentation,

0:15:49.232,0:15:50.743
and it goes really well.

0:15:50.743,0:15:54.106
So you are here,[br]thinking, "Great, fantastic!"

0:15:54.106,0:15:58.030
Then, maybe you have a meeting[br]and things go badly,

0:15:58.030,0:16:00.956
and we sink into these chairs.

0:16:00.956,0:16:06.266
Now our challenge every day[br]is to understand how to find the balance

0:16:06.776,0:16:09.987
between sitting here and sitting here.

0:16:09.987,0:16:13.001
Because if we're sitting here,[br]life is not that happy.

0:16:14.645,0:16:16.818
But if we're sitting here,[br]in these chairs,

0:16:16.818,0:16:18.886
we're more rational; we're more open;

0:16:18.886,0:16:21.825
we're more intelligent;[br]we're more thoughtful.

0:16:27.075,0:16:30.517
Something that really moved me[br]very very deeply when I first read it

0:16:30.517,0:16:35.377
was this: Viktor Frankl, in his book[br]Man's Search for Meaning,

0:16:35.377,0:16:39.876
said, "Everything can be taken[br]from man but one thing.

0:16:40.409,0:16:43.279
The last of human freedoms -

0:16:43.279,0:16:48.340
to choose our attitude[br]in any given set of circumstances."

0:16:49.200,0:16:51.236
This is so powerful.

0:16:51.236,0:16:55.217
So when you next[br]want to snap at your children,

0:16:55.937,0:16:58.229
or argue with your partner,

0:16:58.229,0:17:01.135
or punish someone at work,

0:17:01.135,0:17:03.518
try and come into this chair[br]here and think.

0:17:04.678,0:17:08.757
And if by chance,[br]you end up in this chair -

0:17:08.757,0:17:10.739
which very often happens -

0:17:11.729,0:17:15.397
can we find the courage to say "I'm sorry"

0:17:15.397,0:17:17.850
and make everything right again?

0:17:18.820,0:17:23.802
So, my invitation to you[br]is to take these chairs home with you.

0:17:24.842,0:17:27.189
Play with them. Make them your own.

0:17:27.189,0:17:30.017
Teach them to your kids;[br]they get this immediately.

0:17:30.017,0:17:32.715
Put five of them in the boardroom at work

0:17:32.715,0:17:35.090
and watch how your meetings will improve.

0:17:35.570,0:17:40.984
And the next time somebody[br]presses one of your red buttons,

0:17:41.938,0:17:47.839
just think: five chairs, five choices.

0:17:49.899,0:17:55.121
Can we all commit to making our homes,

0:17:55.121,0:17:59.402
our workplaces,[br]and this world a better place?

0:18:00.192,0:18:02.992
One behavior at a time.

0:18:04.372,0:18:05.658
Thank you.

0:18:05.658,0:18:08.437
(Applause)