[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.36,0:00:03.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Interviewer] So can you talk about \Nhow you feel about doing this?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.70,0:00:06.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Alok] I think so many narratives \Naround trans people
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.20,0:00:08.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that we hated ourselves \Nwhen we were younger,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.83,0:00:11.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that now we love ourselves \Nwhen we're older.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.55,0:00:14.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's just totally not true \Nfor so many of us,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.41,0:00:18.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because no matter how much \Nwe are comfortable in our bodies,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.36,0:00:21.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the minute we go outside we're under attack.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.09,0:00:23.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Interviewer] Can you talk about \Nwhat your style says about you?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.72,0:00:26.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Alok] I think my fashion is its own form of armour.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.96,0:00:31.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our daily acts of resistance are just seen \Nas frivolous or excessive,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.53,0:00:36.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think style is actually extremely political.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.02,0:00:39.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Interviewer] Can you talk about assumptions
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.40,0:00:41.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that people have about you \Nbased on your style?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.32,0:00:43.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Alok] I grew up in a small town in Texas.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.86,0:00:49.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was like a predominantly white, evangelical, \Nrepublican, straight, cisgender
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.65,0:00:51.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,type of town.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.49,0:00:55.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I grew up in a sort of post 9/11 queer body.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.65,0:00:59.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even despite being told that I was a terrorist\Nevery single day,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.68,0:01:01.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,being called a faggot\Nevery single day,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.72,0:01:03.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,being called a tranny.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.13,0:01:06.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think that there's this hierarchy\Nthat gets drawn between
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.06,0:01:11.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sort of flamboyant faggotry,\Nor like queer femininities,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.22,0:01:12.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or like trans femininities
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.76,0:01:14.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as being somehow inferior
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.58,0:01:16.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or less legitimate than "womanhood"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.97,0:01:20.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we're always seen as sort of \N[em?]posturing to be women.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.10,0:01:22.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel like the way I understand my gender
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.30,0:01:28.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that I am both a man and a woman,\Nand neither a man or a woman.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.10,0:01:31.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm outside of these entire categories.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.48,0:01:34.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think they see me, and they see me as a failure.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.15,0:01:36.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think so many of us who grow up \Nin the south [of the U.S.],
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.64,0:01:38.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or in small towns,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.23,0:01:42.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,think that moving to New York means \Nwe'll finally be acknowledged.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.69,0:01:44.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, we'll finally be safe!
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.61,0:01:46.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a total and utter lie.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.24,0:01:49.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've had to learn the really hard way.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.66,0:01:52.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in New York, I think, \Nbecause it's such a large city,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.23,0:01:54.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's so much anonymity,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.08,0:01:57.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think people don't feel \Nempowered enough
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.06,0:01:59.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to defend people getting harassed on the streets.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.92,0:02:02.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People will just stand and stare and watch.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.40,0:02:03.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've had people spit on me,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.98,0:02:05.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've had people call me an "it".
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.94,0:02:08.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This one day, I hadn't shaved \Nin like 2 weeks or something,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.77,0:02:10.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was getting off the train
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.55,0:02:13.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this white man was \Nabout to enter the train,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.10,0:02:15.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the doors open and he screamed
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.01,0:02:16.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"OSAMA!!!!"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.83,0:02:18.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, really really loudly!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.61,0:02:20.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I was like, petrified
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.19,0:02:22.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because my entire life i've known
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.12,0:02:24.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that when people call me a terrorist,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.58,0:02:27.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or Osama, or Bin Laden, or whatever,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:27.95,0:02:29.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you run.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.33,0:02:31.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You run because no one's going to defend you.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.66,0:02:34.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then he looked down and saw \Nthat I was wearing stiletto heels.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.96,0:02:37.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I had a beard, but then I had heels,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.33,0:02:40.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then he cut himself short, \Nhe says "OSAAAA..."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.50,0:02:43.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's this really weird moment
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.13,0:02:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I didn't, I no longer fit his stereotype
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.00,0:02:48.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a "man of colour sort of a terrorist".
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.25,0:02:50.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when people see me as a brown person,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.42,0:02:53.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they automatically masculinize me too,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.17,0:02:55.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because of this idea of the like terrorist idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.73,0:02:57.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like the other day I was using the bathroom,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.61,0:03:00.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I walked into the women's restroom
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.12,0:03:04.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this older white lady\Ncame up to me and said
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.44,0:03:06.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What do you think you're doing, sir?"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.90,0:03:09.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said "using the bathroom."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.65,0:03:13.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then she pointed to the door,\Nlike, very vehemently,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.21,0:03:15.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and was like "This is the women's restroom!"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.63,0:03:20.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, in this moment, I was so frustrated \Nbecause I knew that I had to say I was a woman.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.68,0:03:23.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, if I walked into the men's restroom \Nin this dress right now,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.38,0:03:26.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's a serious chance that I could be attacked,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.25,0:03:27.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like, "what are you doing?!"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.89,0:03:31.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I just said "I AM a woman",
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.01,0:03:32.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then she looked at me and said
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.97,0:03:38.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Oh. You must understand why I was confused."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.07,0:03:39.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think that's because when women see me,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.94,0:03:44.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're trying to protect this category \Nthat they belong to.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.06,0:03:46.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think so much of the ways \Nwe talk about patriarchy,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.27,0:03:48.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that it's just men doing it.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.19,0:03:51.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think actually women do patriarchy every day.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.50,0:03:54.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was really nervous about going back \Nto my family home in India,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.58,0:03:55.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like a couple of years ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.87,0:03:58.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I knew that my family had all found out,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.42,0:04:01.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I was no longer, like, a straight man.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.23,0:04:02.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even though I was so scared,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.18,0:04:04.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one of my aunts, like, took me aside
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.00,0:04:05.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and gave me one of her necklaces.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.96,0:04:07.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she didn't explain why,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.56,0:04:08.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she didn't say, like,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.92,0:04:11.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Look, I'm validating your femininity."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.34,0:04:12.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She just said "here you go."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.92,0:04:14.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And all these subtle moments in my life
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.78,0:04:16.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,matter a lot to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.60,0:04:17.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People would come up to me and say
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.84,0:04:19.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"why do all Indian people smell bad?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.67,0:04:22.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why are you all, like, dirty?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.45,0:04:24.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Um, I would go home and tell my mom,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.50,0:04:26.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like, I kept on washing my hands
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.08,0:04:27.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but this brown wouldn't come off of me.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.96,0:04:31.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I grew up feeling ugly because I was brown.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.50,0:04:33.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought brown people could never be desirable,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.93,0:04:35.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,could never have sex,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.46,0:04:39.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought we were all ugly, and \Nwe all needed to be white to be beautiful.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.71,0:04:43.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then when I started to be more... \Npresent more feminine,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.81,0:04:45.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people started to call me a faggot.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.30,0:04:46.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we go to the club,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.56,0:04:48.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everyone's gonna be like\N"Oh my god I love your outfit!"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.57,0:04:50.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But no one's gonna ask us \N"how are you getting home?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.92,0:04:53.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They don't care because I think \Ntrans feminine people only matter
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.43,0:04:55.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we're fabulous.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.59,0:04:58.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The very core of misogyny against trans people,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.53,0:04:59.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or transmisogyny,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.64,0:05:02.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that we're always masquerading \Nas something we're not.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.35,0:05:05.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That we're always just\Nput on this dress to trick someone.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.02,0:05:07.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so therefore we are always seen \Nas worthy of our violence.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.65,0:05:09.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's why people don't stand up for us,\Nit's kind of like
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.28,0:05:12.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"you chose to be that way,\Nyou have to take the brunt of it."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.58,0:05:16.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have an older sister
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.62,0:05:18.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I loved my sister so much
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.54,0:05:20.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I just wanted to be her.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.58,0:05:23.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when people would ask me "what are \Nyou going to be when you grow up?"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.21,0:05:24.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would say "my sister!"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.87,0:05:27.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would say I want flowers \Non every single birthday cake.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.44,0:05:28.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my parents were totally down,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.92,0:05:31.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but then things changed\Nwhen I hit puberty.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.13,0:05:34.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I began to develop facial hair,\Npeople started to say
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.47,0:05:37.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"you need to be, you're a boy, you need to \Nbe a man now, you need to butch up."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.56,0:05:39.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became really really really depressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.93,0:05:42.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I attempted suicide when I was 13 years old.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.11,0:05:44.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I took a belt to my neck.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.26,0:05:46.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was alone in my room,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.69,0:05:48.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I felt destroyed.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.59,0:05:50.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt attacked on every level.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:50.53,0:05:52.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decided that I needed to get out of my town,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.79,0:05:53.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I made a plan.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.93,0:05:57.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said "work really freaking hard,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.68,0:05:59.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then get a full scholarship or something
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.88,0:06:01.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to get you out of this place."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.55,0:06:04.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I moved to California because literally \NI was looking at schools,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.03,0:06:05.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like, where can I do my activism?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.76,0:06:08.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I just, like, joined the movement\Nthe minute I could.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.93,0:06:10.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's why for me,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.17,0:06:13.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my "coming out" is much less \Nabout my gender and sexual identity,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.94,0:06:15.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and much more about my politics.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.93,0:06:17.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The world I'm fighting for
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.31,0:06:19.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is where we stop making assumptions
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.32,0:06:20.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,around everything.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.70,0:06:23.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where we allow people to \Nself-narrate their bodies.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.52,0:06:26.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think that's a profoundly radical act.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.63,0:06:29.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Cause we exist in a western colonial system,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.71,0:06:33.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's invested in categorizing \Nevery single thing about you.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.29,0:06:35.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And creating norms about every single thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.87,0:06:37.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rather than actually recognizing
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.66,0:06:39.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,NONE of us fit into norms.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.92,0:06:43.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My politics is "I am me. I am Alok.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.88,0:06:49.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Alok exists outside of your colonial white \Nsupremacist heteronormative gender binary!"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.17,0:06:51.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't have to be a woman or a man\Nto be coherent.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.92,0:06:55.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think that threatens so much \Nof the fabric of this society.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.61,0:06:58.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wasn't born in the wrong body,\NI was born in the wrong world.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.48,0:07:01.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I see my hair as part of my femininity.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.10,0:07:03.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I have a beard and lipstick,\Nthat's part of who I am.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.99,0:07:07.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we always put the onus on people \Nto change their bodies,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.40,0:07:10.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the onus on people to prove \Nor authenticate themselves to other people,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.58,0:07:12.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,versus have society shift their norms?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.100,0:07:14.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is why trans women get murdered.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.75,0:07:16.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because what ends up happening is that
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.67,0:07:18.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they're hooking up with someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.30,0:07:20.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,someone sees a penis and then kills them.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.86,0:07:23.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, literally, it's the most misogynist idea
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.21,0:07:25.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where women are defined by vagina.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.58,0:07:28.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's why, like, transmisogyny \Nalso effects cisgender women,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:28.21,0:07:30.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because cisgender women, "womanhood",
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.34,0:07:31.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,should be more than your vagina.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.67,0:07:33.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A lot of the trans people I know
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.34,0:07:36.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will, like, have surgery, have hormones, whatever,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.07,0:07:37.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because of safety.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.70,0:07:39.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not because they wanted to.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.84,0:07:41.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I'm fighting for our world,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.19,0:07:42.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that we can just say
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.61,0:07:44.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Y'know what? My body is on my own terms."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.52,0:07:47.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think what's also frustrating is that we \Nask trans people to have all the answers.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.91,0:07:49.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How the hell am I supposed to have all the answers
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.67,0:07:52.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I grew up in a world that erased my existence?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.37,0:07:53.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm still figuring it out!
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.75,0:07:55.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I have people in my life,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.17,0:07:56.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have lovers in my life,\NI have friends in my life,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.77,0:07:58.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who are willing to work through that with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.54,0:08:00.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's been the most liberating part
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.66,0:08:03.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about becoming politically active.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.09,0:08:05.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would much rather know that y'all
Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.90,0:08:08.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would, if someone was yelling at me on a train,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.08,0:08:09.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,say "hey stop that!",
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.66,0:08:12.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,versus, like, knowing my pronouns.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.73,0:08:14.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that people hurt me because they're hurt.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.64,0:08:16.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that people,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.02,0:08:17.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially people of colour,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.44,0:08:20.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are discriminating against me \Nbecause of their own trauma.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.02,0:08:21.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so for me, like,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.24,0:08:24.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,unless we liberate both \Nperpetrators and victims of violence,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.58,0:08:26.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we're still caught in the same system.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.42,0:08:29.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My fervor comes from being... \Nfrom wanting to be a nicer person.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.16,0:08:31.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm really invested in niceness!
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.37,0:08:33.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think it's really radical.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.36,0:08:35.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think the state is SO BAD,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.83,0:08:38.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think we grow up with so much toxicity,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.12,0:08:40.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we're so mean and disposable for each other,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.55,0:08:42.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Interviewer] When do you feel the most vulnerable?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.39,0:08:44.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Alok] Hm. When I'm writing poetry.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.63,0:08:50.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, um, I started writing poetry\Nafter my suicide attempt.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.50,0:08:53.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Art is the space we go\Nwhen language fails us.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.69,0:08:56.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, go get therapy\Nif you need to have therapy,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.22,0:08:59.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but how can our friendships \NBE that therapy?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.32,0:09:01.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How can we really love each other hard enough
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.67,0:09:03.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where we don't have to outsource our trauma?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.51,0:09:05.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where we don't have to leave \Nwhere we're at to deal with shit?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.90,0:09:09.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So much of my identity\Nhas been framed by violence.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.38,0:09:12.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't understand my gender,\Nother than being called a faggot.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.82,0:09:15.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't understand my race,\Nother than being called a terrorist.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.76,0:09:17.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think when I moved here
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.20,0:09:20.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was like "oh my god, you're never gonna feel \Nlonely 'cause there's a million things to do!"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.66,0:09:23.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And those million things to do \Nactually make you more lonely.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.81,0:09:26.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We keep on making this mistake in the west
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.10,0:09:28.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where if we have more things, we're happier;
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.69,0:09:30.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or if we're around more things, we're happier.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.47,0:09:33.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Versus recognizing that \Nwe already had everything we needed.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:33.14,0:09:35.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So moving away from scarcity towards abundance,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.67,0:09:37.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,recognizing that we are enough.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.76,0:09:39.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it's a poem called "Funeral".
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.68,0:09:44.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our train is delayed and I am \Nlate for lunch with a boy I like
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.03,0:09:48.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because his smile makes me feel \Na little bit less lonely.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.30,0:09:52.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this feels like a working definition \Nfor love these days in the city
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.87,0:09:57.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where it's possible to be surrounded by \Nthe warmth of over a million apartment lights
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.08,0:09:59.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and still feel cold.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.41,0:10:01.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The lights turn off and the train starts moving.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.72,0:10:02.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,...stops moving.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.96,0:10:04.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's one of those rare moment when
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.22,0:10:06.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're forced to look up from our screens
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.14,0:10:08.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and remember that we exist outside of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.58,0:10:11.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They tell us that a man jumped in front of the train.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.55,0:10:13.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That he died upon impact.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.47,0:10:15.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we just sit there in silence
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.34,0:10:17.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as they remove his remains from the tracks.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:17.81,0:10:19.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And some part of us is happy
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.34,0:10:22.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because this, this is the first time in a long time
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.35,0:10:25.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we have been forced to feel \Nlike something greater than ourselves
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.30,0:10:27.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the city, where sometimes it takes an accident
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.86,0:10:33.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to remember what the purpose \Nof a body is to begin with anyways.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.40,0:10:35.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The lights turn on, the train starts moving,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.82,0:10:38.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the woman next to me starts complaining.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.36,0:10:42.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Asks why this man couldn't have taken \Na bottle of pills before leaving the house.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.36,0:10:46.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How selfish it is to delay others with your own death.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.67,0:10:47.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I want to hug her, say
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.97,0:10:50.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"remind me the purpose of arm."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.60,0:10:52.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to love her, say
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.22,0:10:54.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"remind me the purpose of heart."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.59,0:10:56.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then I remember that this is America,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.73,0:10:59.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where bodies fall on streets like discarded leaves,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.81,0:11:04.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,only touching accidentally as we all \Ntumble onto these cities we grew up with,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.11,0:11:07.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,circling a map saying "remind me happiness",
Dialogue: 0,0:11:07.29,0:11:09.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and somehow convinced ourselves that they did.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.67,0:11:12.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The same way we learned about \Nthe borders between countries so well.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.75,0:11:14.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That we built walls around them,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.78,0:11:17.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,call them "mine".
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.06,0:11:18.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is America,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:18.50,0:11:22.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where pain is ritual we are \Nrequired to conduct in private.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.20,0:11:24.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An elaborate symphony on mute.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.37,0:11:27.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Call it "he lived to be 86 years old",
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.09,0:11:30.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not "he hated himself for 30 of them."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.35,0:11:32.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Call it "he died in his sleep peacefully",
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.64,0:11:36.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not "the stroke tore him to pieces."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.01,0:11:37.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Call it "accident",
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.84,0:11:40.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not "no healthcare".
Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.14,0:11:42.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Call it "casualty",
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.26,0:11:44.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not "calculation".
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.36,0:11:45.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To live in America,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.82,0:11:48.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to live in a constant state of illusion [allusion?]
Dialogue: 0,0:11:48.62,0:11:50.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to be 30 people underground on a train,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.83,0:11:53.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,unable to hold one another and weep,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.44,0:11:55.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to sit there in silence
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.28,0:11:56.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,until we can just keep on moving
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.95,0:12:00.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and forget how much death is required in the soil
Dialogue: 0,0:12:00.26,0:12:03.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to birth such beautiful denial.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.88,0:12:06.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I want to text the boy above ground, ask
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.59,0:12:10.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"have you ever been to a funeral \Nwith complete strangers?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.01,0:12:12.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But instead, I look at the woman next to me
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.88,0:12:15.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the one who told a dead man \Nto die more considerately,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:15.97,0:12:18.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then I remember that to live in America
Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.25,0:12:21.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is already to attend a funeral \Nwith complete strangers.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.48,0:12:25.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How many ghosts does it take before \Na cemetery can call itself a country?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.91,0:12:27.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To live in America
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.19,0:12:29.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to blame the dead for their own death.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.39,0:12:31.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not the country for creating the conditions
Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.55,0:12:33.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that already killed them before they
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.40,0:12:36.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,caught up and made things more clear \Nfor the rest of us.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:36.25,0:12:40.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is why, when the liberal who \Nwears words like "democrat" and "diplomacy"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.20,0:12:42.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,calls me a terrorist after I tell him
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.55,0:12:44.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I'm not interested in paying his taxes
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.96,0:12:48.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I do not want my coins \Nto cause more carnage,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.05,0:12:49.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.59,0:12:51.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is why, when I tell him that
Dialogue: 0,0:12:51.37,0:12:55.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I do believe in monsters who come out at night
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.10,0:12:57.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,call them "men" for short,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.22,0:12:59.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he tells me that I only dress femme
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.39,0:13:00.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I want to be bashed,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.95,0:13:02.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.60,0:13:04.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is why, when I tell him
Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.33,0:13:06.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the same women who started his movement
Dialogue: 0,0:13:06.79,0:13:08.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are still being murdered,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:08.08,0:13:09.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the same cities he's getting married
Dialogue: 0,0:13:09.90,0:13:11.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and calling it momentous
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.49,0:13:12.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he gasps and says
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.85,0:13:15.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"that happens HERE? In America?!",
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.31,0:13:17.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.17,0:13:19.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The way we've been taught \Nto apologize for the pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.12,0:13:21.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to erase the hurt,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.07,0:13:22.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to numb the violence,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.72,0:13:25.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to deny that we may not be able \Nto wake up in the morning,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:25.97,0:13:28.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we may see a pill \Ncoming in the place of the train,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.89,0:13:30.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we may wonder
Dialogue: 0,0:13:30.30,0:13:33.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what it would feel like to finally have \Nothers empathize with our struggle,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.59,0:13:35.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for once, in OUR GODDAMNED LIFE,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.84,0:13:36.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what it would feel like
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.99,0:13:38.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to hold captive attention
Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.48,0:13:40.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a funeral of strangers, so
Dialogue: 0,0:13:40.61,0:13:42.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would run back on that train,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.24,0:13:43.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hug that woman, say
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.35,0:13:44.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm afraid too." say
Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.74,0:13:46.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"remind me trust" say
Dialogue: 0,0:13:46.06,0:13:49.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"sometimes silence feels like \Nthe highest pitch of screaming" say
Dialogue: 0,0:13:49.48,0:13:51.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"this is the first time in a long time
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.41,0:13:53.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have been forced to publicly mourn death
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.56,0:13:56.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there is something \Nbeautiful about that", say
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.76,0:14:00.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"what if we allowed the pain to fill us \Na little bit less empty?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.78,0:14:04.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But instead, I will sit there \Nin silence on the train.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:04.08,0:14:07.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will say nothing to the woman next to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.50,0:14:09.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will disembark at the next stop.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.80,0:14:11.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will have lunch with a boy I like,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:11.50,0:14:13.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because his smile makes me feel
Dialogue: 0,0:14:13.50,0:14:15.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a little bit less lonely.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.22,0:14:17.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will apologize for being late.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.30,0:14:19.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will not have the word
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.10,0:14:22.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for a type of loss that is so distant it is intimate.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.47,0:14:25.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After lunch, I will get back on the train,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:25.11,0:14:27.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will remember,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.02,0:14:29.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will soon forget.