WEBVTT

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- Coming out.

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Typically we think of this

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as being an experience specific
to the queer community.

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But we all have things that
we're keeping in our closets.

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It could be something about
our home and family life,

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something about our
mental or physical health.

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Maybe you're not allergic to
cats you just don't like them.

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I feel you on that one.

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Whatever it is that you're
keeping in your closet,

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inevitably it shapes the
way you navigate the world.

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And that can include your work life.

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So how do we go about
disclosing these important,

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but sometimes difficult to talk
about aspects of who we are.

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And when someone comes out to us,

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what can we bust do to
listen and support them?

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Hi, my name's Micah.

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But it hasn't always been.

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After a year at my current place of work,

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I started the process
of coming out as trans.

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When I sat down with human
resources to talk about

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how to reintroduce myself to everybody,

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neither of us had answers.

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Nobody at my place of work
had come out as trans before,

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but that's what I'm here to offer you.

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Three tips on how to talk about

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things that are hard to talk about.

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And for those of you on the
other side of the conversation,

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I have some advice for you too,
on how you can best listen,

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respond and be an active
ally for your colleague.

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I can't give you the exact words to say

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because they should be your own.

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After all I don't know what
you're keeping in your closet.

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But whatever it might be,

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I hope these tips will
provide you with a framework

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that's going to help you decide
exactly what you wanna say

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and how you wanna say it.

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Know what you want and don't
want out of the conversation.

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To know this, ask yourself questions like,

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do I need anything

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from the person that
I'm disclosing this to?

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Where do I want the
conversation to go from here,

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if anywhere at all?

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And how do I want this person

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to understand my own relationship

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with this aspect of who I am?

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So, in my case, I knew I
wanted people to call me

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by my new name and pronouns.

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But I also didn't want them to avoid me

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out of fear of messing them up.

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This was going to take time.

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And I wanted this to feel
like any other ordinary fact

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about who I am.

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So now we know what we wanna communicate.

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Let's talk about how
we're going to say it.

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By setting the tone.

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You're going to want to
present the information

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in the same way you want
people to respond to it.

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They're going to be looking
and listening for cues

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on what the appropriate response is.

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Is this something that
you want to be celebrated?

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I'm trans!

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Or do you want to just address it

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and move on with your life?

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Oh, by the way, I'm trans.

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There's no one right way
to say it for everybody.

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What's most important here
is what's right for you.

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Another note,

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we're not going to be
able to control the way

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in which everybody responds to this.

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But what we do have control over

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is how they understand
our own relationship

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with this part of who we are.

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So now that we know what we wanna say

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and how we wanna say it,

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where do we want the
conversation to go from here?

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Well, my advice is to give an action item.

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This will help you keep
control of the conversation

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by giving people direction

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on what they're supposed
to do or say next.

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I knew I wanted this to feel like

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any other ordinary fact about who I am.

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So I decided I was going
to use my coming out

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to solve an ordinary problem.

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And I sent the following email.

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Hello all, I need your help.

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I am in the market for moisturizer
to help with my dry skin.

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I'm also in the process of out as trans.

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I'm changing my name to Micah

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and my pronouns are he, him, his.

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If you have any questions
about my change in pronouns

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or my skincare needs,

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feel free to send an email

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to my updated contact information.

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And I'd also like to note
that when my skin is dry,

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it is not too sensitive.

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We're all going to mess up
my name and my pronouns,

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myself included.

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So when this happens,
don't panic or crunch.

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Please be kind to yourself,

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as we stumble through these
growing pains together.

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I'm fortunate and grateful
to work in a place

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where I feel embraced in any form.

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Be it as a transgender man
or a person with dry skin

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or in this case, both.

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Now, I'm gonna be honest.

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I haven't made many changes
to my skin care routine

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since sending this email.

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But I will say that I am
feeling much more comfortable

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in my own skin.

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And that's what thanks
to responses like these.

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(soft music)

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Now you might be wondering

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if I'm the listener in this conversation,

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what can I best do to support my colleague

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other than maybe referring
them to my dermatologist?

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Well, for starters, listen

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with an open heart and an empathetic ear.

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You're especially going
to want to listen here

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for this specific language
the person is using

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to describe themselves
and their experience

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because that's the same language

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you're going to wanna use back to them.

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You might be tempted to ask
your coworkers some questions

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about their identity.

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Before you ask them a question,

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ask yourself,

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can I find the answer to
this in a search engine?

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Chances are the answer is yes.

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And if the answer is no, ask yourself,

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is this too personal of a question

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for me to be asking my colleague.

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One question that is okay to ask though,

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is there anything I can do
to support you at this time?

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This is a note for if you're responding

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in the moment and in person.

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But if you want to be an active ally,

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the conversation doesn't end here,

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it picks up again with your
colleagues and human resources

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on how you can make your
workplace more inclusive

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of this person's identity.

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Chances are it's not
just going to help them,

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but maybe someone else down the line.

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Now, in my case,

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it would be adding pronouns
to your email signature

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and asking your coworkers to do the same

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in order to help normalize
it across the org.

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You could also be talking to HR

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about having more trans
inclusive healthcare policies.

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And my last piece of advice
is for both the listener

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and the leader in the conversation.

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Remember that they're the same person

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you've always known them to be.

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It's the weight of stereotypes and stigmas

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that often keep our closet doors shut.

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We're afraid people are now
gonna see us as this thing

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instead of seeing this thing
as an aspect of who we are,

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of we've always been.

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I know that was the case for me too,

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but it got easier for me
to say my name is Micah

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because of the way I saw
it not only accepted,

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but enthusiastically embraced
by all of my coworkers.

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So whatever it is you're
keeping in your closet,

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I hope these tips empower you

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to bring your authentic
self into your workplace

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and hopefully feel more
comfortable in your own skin.