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- Coming out.

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Typically we think of this

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as being an experience specific[br]to the queer community.

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But we all have things that[br]we're keeping in our closets.

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It could be something about[br]our home and family life,

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something about our[br]mental or physical health.

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Maybe you're not allergic to[br]cats you just don't like them.

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I feel you on that one.

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Whatever it is that you're[br]keeping in your closet,

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inevitably it shapes the[br]way you navigate the world.

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And that can include your work life.

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So how do we go about[br]disclosing these important,

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but sometimes difficult to talk[br]about aspects of who we are.

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And when someone comes out to us,

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what can we bust do to[br]listen and support them?

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Hi, my name's Micah.

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But it hasn't always been.

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After a year at my current place of work,

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I started the process[br]of coming out as trans.

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When I sat down with human[br]resources to talk about

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how to reintroduce myself to everybody,

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neither of us had answers.

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Nobody at my place of work[br]had come out as trans before,

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but that's what I'm here to offer you.

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Three tips on how to talk about

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things that are hard to talk about.

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And for those of you on the[br]other side of the conversation,

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I have some advice for you too,[br]on how you can best listen,

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respond and be an active[br]ally for your colleague.

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I can't give you the exact words to say

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because they should be your own.

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After all I don't know what[br]you're keeping in your closet.

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But whatever it might be,

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I hope these tips will[br]provide you with a framework

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that's going to help you decide[br]exactly what you wanna say

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and how you wanna say it.

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Know what you want and don't[br]want out of the conversation.

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To know this, ask yourself questions like,

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do I need anything

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from the person that[br]I'm disclosing this to?

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Where do I want the[br]conversation to go from here,

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if anywhere at all?

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And how do I want this person

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to understand my own relationship

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with this aspect of who I am?

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So, in my case, I knew I[br]wanted people to call me

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by my new name and pronouns.

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But I also didn't want them to avoid me

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out of fear of messing them up.

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This was going to take time.

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And I wanted this to feel[br]like any other ordinary fact

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about who I am.

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So now we know what we wanna communicate.

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Let's talk about how[br]we're going to say it.

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By setting the tone.

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You're going to want to[br]present the information

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in the same way you want[br]people to respond to it.

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They're going to be looking[br]and listening for cues

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on what the appropriate response is.

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Is this something that[br]you want to be celebrated?

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I'm trans!

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Or do you want to just address it

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and move on with your life?

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Oh, by the way, I'm trans.

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There's no one right way[br]to say it for everybody.

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What's most important here[br]is what's right for you.

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Another note,

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we're not going to be[br]able to control the way

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in which everybody responds to this.

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But what we do have control over

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is how they understand[br]our own relationship

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with this part of who we are.

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So now that we know what we wanna say

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and how we wanna say it,

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where do we want the[br]conversation to go from here?

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Well, my advice is to give an action item.

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This will help you keep[br]control of the conversation

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by giving people direction

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on what they're supposed[br]to do or say next.

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I knew I wanted this to feel like

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any other ordinary fact about who I am.

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So I decided I was going[br]to use my coming out

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to solve an ordinary problem.

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And I sent the following email.

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Hello all, I need your help.

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I am in the market for moisturizer[br]to help with my dry skin.

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I'm also in the process of out as trans.

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I'm changing my name to Micah

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and my pronouns are he, him, his.

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If you have any questions[br]about my change in pronouns

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or my skincare needs,

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feel free to send an email

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to my updated contact information.

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And I'd also like to note[br]that when my skin is dry,

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it is not too sensitive.

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We're all going to mess up[br]my name and my pronouns,

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myself included.

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So when this happens,[br]don't panic or crunch.

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Please be kind to yourself,

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as we stumble through these[br]growing pains together.

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I'm fortunate and grateful[br]to work in a place

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where I feel embraced in any form.

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Be it as a transgender man[br]or a person with dry skin

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or in this case, both.

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Now, I'm gonna be honest.

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I haven't made many changes[br]to my skin care routine

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since sending this email.

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But I will say that I am[br]feeling much more comfortable

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in my own skin.

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And that's what thanks[br]to responses like these.

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(soft music)

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Now you might be wondering

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if I'm the listener in this conversation,

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what can I best do to support my colleague

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other than maybe referring[br]them to my dermatologist?

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Well, for starters, listen

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with an open heart and an empathetic ear.

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You're especially going[br]to want to listen here

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for this specific language[br]the person is using

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to describe themselves[br]and their experience

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because that's the same language

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you're going to wanna use back to them.

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You might be tempted to ask[br]your coworkers some questions

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about their identity.

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Before you ask them a question,

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ask yourself,

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can I find the answer to[br]this in a search engine?

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Chances are the answer is yes.

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And if the answer is no, ask yourself,

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is this too personal of a question

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for me to be asking my colleague.

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One question that is okay to ask though,

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is there anything I can do[br]to support you at this time?

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This is a note for if you're responding

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in the moment and in person.

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But if you want to be an active ally,

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the conversation doesn't end here,

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it picks up again with your[br]colleagues and human resources

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on how you can make your[br]workplace more inclusive

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of this person's identity.

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Chances are it's not[br]just going to help them,

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but maybe someone else down the line.

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Now, in my case,

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it would be adding pronouns[br]to your email signature

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and asking your coworkers to do the same

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in order to help normalize[br]it across the org.

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You could also be talking to HR

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about having more trans[br]inclusive healthcare policies.

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And my last piece of advice[br]is for both the listener

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and the leader in the conversation.

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Remember that they're the same person

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you've always known them to be.

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It's the weight of stereotypes and stigmas

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that often keep our closet doors shut.

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We're afraid people are now[br]gonna see us as this thing

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instead of seeing this thing[br]as an aspect of who we are,

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of we've always been.

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I know that was the case for me too,

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but it got easier for me[br]to say my name is Micah

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because of the way I saw[br]it not only accepted,

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but enthusiastically embraced[br]by all of my coworkers.

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So whatever it is you're[br]keeping in your closet,

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I hope these tips empower you

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to bring your authentic[br]self into your workplace

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and hopefully feel more[br]comfortable in your own skin.