WEBVTT

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So what is the biggest challenge
that men face today?

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Now, some people might think,

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"Men have challenges?"

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Others might think,
"Men are actually a challenge."

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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Yeah, there we go.

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(Applause) (Laughter)

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But really, what are the biggest
challenges that men face today?

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Some might say that
it's being able to develop

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a deep sense of emotional intelligence,

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while others would say
that it's being able to really understand

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racial and gender inequality.

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Now, while both of those are true,

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I see that the biggest challenge
that they face in order to address those

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is being able to overcome and move through
some of the negative stereotypes

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that surround masculinity.

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You see, at a very young age,

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most boys and young men are taught
that their highest value as a man

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is their ability to dominate,
to control and to succeed at all costs.

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You see, I've had a unique experience

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and I've been able to see masculinity
in all different forms

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and all walks of life,

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from the frozen gravel pits
of Northern Alberta

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to the opera houses of Europe and China,

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all the way back to the corporate
boardrooms of North America.

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I've seen the dark, violent
and aggressive side of masculinity,

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and I've seen the light,
compassionate, caring side.

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I remember growing up in Alberta,

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and for those of you
who don't know what that's like,

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it's kind of like the Texas of Canada.

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(Laughter)

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There's a lot of oil,

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there's a lot of big trucks,

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and there seems to be
a plethora of cowboys.

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Now, I grew up going
to a Catholic elementary school,

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and every Friday morning,
we had this great tradition

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that I absolutely loved.

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Every Friday morning,
somebody would come over the intercom

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and they would read the Lord's prayer

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because it was a Catholic
elementary school,

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but then, after that,

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somebody would come on,
and they would sing the national anthem.

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Now, I loved this!

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I loved this because I loved music.

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And every week, the teacher would ask,

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"Is somebody willing to volunteer
to go and sing the national anthem?"

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And every week, I would want
to put my hand up,

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but I was too scared.

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Finally, after hearing somebody
completely botch it one Friday morning,

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I decided, "I can do this, and I can
probably even do it better than them."

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So I went home that day, and I practiced.

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I practiced and practiced and practiced.

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From morning to night,
from bedroom to bathroom,

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I practiced singing the national anthem,
and it must have driven my parents crazy!

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I actually remember I had
one of those double cassette decks

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where you could put a cassette in one side
and a cassette in the other,

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and so I could put
Michael Jackson in on one side,

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and I would listen to him sing "Bad"
and "Thriller" and "Heal the World,"

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and I would practice my (Singing).

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And then on the other side -

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(Laughter)

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I would practice myself
singing the national anthem.

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So finally, I got the courage up
to go and do this.

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So one Friday morning,
I march myself to school,

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I walk straight into the office,
I go right up to the secretary and I say,

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"I am here to sing the national anthem."

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(Laughter)

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And she looks at me clearly confused
about why I'm so excited.

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And she just says, "Okay ..."

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(Laughter)

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So my time comes,

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I get up and I sing that national anthem

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with all the jazz and pop tones
that I can possibly muster.

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(Laughter)

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In my mind, it goes amazing.

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(Laughter)

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I walk out of the office
with my head held high,

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with my pride in tow
and a grin from ear to ear.

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As I'm going to class, I turn the corner
and I bumped into the grade-six bully.

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He's a little bit bigger than me.

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He looks at me and he says,

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"Was that you that just sang
the national anthem?"

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"Yes,"

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I say, clearly proud of myself.

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And then, bam!

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He punches me right in the gut.

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And I drop to my knees
because I can't breathe,

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and I look up at him and all I can manage
to squeak out is, "Why?"

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Because I'm so confused
as to what the heck just happened.

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And I'll never forget:
he just looks at me,

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and he says, "Don't be such a bitch.

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Singing is for girls."

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And there it was,

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my first real experience

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with what one of the biggest challenges
that young boys and young men face today,

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being taught that emotional
and creative expression

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is not what a real man does.

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You see, the rise of the empowered woman
is not a threat to masculinity.

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Feminism is not the death of men.

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Thank you.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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Machoism and our idea

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that in order to be a successful man
we need to dominate others,

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we need to be a lone wolf,
we need to figure it out by ourselves,

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that's what's really crushing men today.

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But what is machoism?

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Is it really that bad?

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I mean, there was a wrestler
named Macho Man.

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It can't be that horrible.

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Well, let's take a look.

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So machoism ...

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Machoism is a strong sense
of masculine pride -

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okay, not so bad -

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with the supreme valuation
of characteristics

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culturally associated with the masculine

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and the denigration and devaluation

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of characteristics culturally
associated with the feminine.

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That means that young boys
and young men

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that are trying to live
into this very macho stereotype,

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this macho, you know, archetype,

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put masculine qualities
and masculine traits on a pedestal

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and diminish anything
that's associated with the feminine,

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things like community.

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They end up idolizing and worshiping
and putting on a pedestal

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this idea that we need to be a lone wolf
in order to figure everything out,

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in order to be "a real man."

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I found this photo a few years back,

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and it fundamentally shifted
the way that I see men in our society,

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successful men.

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You see, at the front
of the pack are three wolves,

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and these three wolves
are actually the oldest and the sickest.

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They're there to kind of set the pace
for the entire pack.

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Now, behind them
are the five omega wolves.

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These are the tough guys.

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Now, these five omega wolves
are there to protect the pack

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in case of an ambush,

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and every once in a while, you know,
nip the older ones in the butt

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to make sure that
they're moving on fast enough.

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Now, behind the five omega wolves
is the rest of the pack,

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you know, the moms and the baby cubs,

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and at the very back,
almost off of the picture entirely,

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is the alpha wolf.

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Now, you see, in nature,
they have it right,

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they know what they're doing.

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In nature, the alpha wolf
is an integral part of society,

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it's an integral part of the community.

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And in nature, the lone wolf
is actually an outcast,

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and he is an outcast
because he is too violent

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and he is too dangerous for the pack.

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But these archetypes,

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these sort of characteristics

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that a lot of young boys
and a lot of men are trying to live into,

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this macho idea and this idea
that we need to be a lone wolf,

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is what's really having
a negative impact on most men today.

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And this is what's created
what I call the mask of masculinity.

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The mask of masculinity
sounds something like this.

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Rule number one: real men don't cry.

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It's kind of like the first rule
of "Fight Club."

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Everybody knows it, nobody talks about it.

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Rule number two: real men
don't express emotions openly,

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unless it's anger and aggression.

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Real men aren't empathetic.

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And there's strength in retaliation:

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if you get hit or you get hurt,
you damn well better hit back

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and you better hurt back twice as hard.

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You need to be tough and strong.

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You need to avoid anything
that resembles being a woman.

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Now, this mask, these
archetypes have an impact.

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They have consequences.

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The consequences are very real.

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The World Health Organization
last year released a study

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showing that men are four times
more likely to commit suicide than women.

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Four times.

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That means that out of the 800,000 people
who took their lives last year,

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three quarters of them were men.

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That's nearly 600,000 men.

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So why is this happening?

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Why is this on a borderline epidemic?

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Well, researchers in the UK did a study

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and found that half, 50 percent
of men over the age of 25

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cannot identify what they would consider
to be a best friend or a close friend.

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Now, that means that
if they lose their job,

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if they're struggling financially,

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if they lose a parent,
if they lose a child,

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if they're diagnosed with cancer,

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if their business is struggling so bad

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that they don't know
how they're going to pay themselves

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or their employees,

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they have no one to go talk to.

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Researchers have linked this
to the 60-percent increase -

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60-percent increase -

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in male suicides
over the last 45 years alone.

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That doesn't even take into account
the millions of men who will die in wars,

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fathers and sons who'll be
gunned down in the streets

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because emotional inaptitudes,

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not to mention the millions of women

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who'll be abused, who'll be raped,
who'll be mutilated and who'll be killed

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because of this misplaced
sense of superiority.

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Now, I'm not proud of it, but I lived
into this archetype for a very long time.

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I was stuck behind this mask
of what I thought it meant to be a man.

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And because of that, I found myself alone,
I found myself isolated, depressed,

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and worst of all, I hurt the people
that I loved the most in my life.

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Now, along that journey,

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because I refused to give in
and I refused to live in this archetype,

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I learned how to do this -

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(Singing in Italian)

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(Applause)

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Because I refused
to buy into this stereotype,

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I got a degree in music,

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I traveled the world singing opera,

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I ended up working for the biggest
company in the world,

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and ultimately, I started
an organization called Man Talks,

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which supports men
in being better fathers,

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better husbands and better leaders

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through real connections,
real conversations

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and a powerful community.

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So where do we start?

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Because this is a big question,
and it's a real challenge.

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I say it starts with you,

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it starts with me,

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but most importantly,
it starts with our sons.

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Now, a few years back
when I was still singing,

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I had the opportunity to work with a group
of underprivileged inner-city boys,

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and these kids were between the ages
of 10 and 14, maybe 15.

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A lot of them came from families,
you know, with single parents,

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definitely under the poverty line.

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A lot of them came from, you know,
homes where their parents were addicts.

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And I was there to work
with them about creativity,

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and passion, and expression,

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things that I clearly enjoy talking about.

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And I started off the day
with singing the exact same lines

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that I just sang for you today,

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and then, when I was done,

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I explained and translated
the first three words -

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That was from Macbeth, by the way.
That's Macbeth's aria.

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And I said, "pietà," "rispetto, "amore."

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"Honor," "respect," and "love,"

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three things that every man
and every woman can live by in their life.

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Now, as soon as I was finished,
one of the kids spoke up, and he said,

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"Love makes you weak. Love is for girls."

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And he just crosses his arms
and looks away.

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I was a little taken aback.

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I was fully and mentally prepared
to get made fun of for singing opera

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in front of these kids,

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but I wasn't expecting this.

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I said, "Why do you say that?"

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He didn't respond, he just nodded off
and looked out the window.

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I said, "Love is one of the most powerful
virtues and characteristics that we have."

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It's one of the most powerful virtues

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that we can hope
to experience in our lifetime.

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Love is for men, and love is for women.

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Love creates an equal playing field
where all of us get to show up.

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Now, I didn't press it

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because I didn't want to call this kid out
in front of the rest of the class,

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and so I let it go.

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At the end of the class, he was up and out

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before I even had a chance
to say anything.

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Thankfully I was back the next morning,
and I was going to address it with him.

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That morning, I was sitting at my computer
and getting ready for the class,

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and before anybody else showed up,
in walks this same little boy.

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And he walks up to me,

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and kind of kicking his feet,
he says, "Hi."

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I say, "Hi."

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He says, "I'm sorry
for what I said yesterday."

00:15:06.921 --> 00:15:09.481
I said, "It's okay. Why did you say that?"

00:15:10.961 --> 00:15:12.539
He said,

00:15:12.539 --> 00:15:16.796
"Three months ago,
my mom passed away of cancer.

00:15:16.796 --> 00:15:21.906
And I loved her more
than anybody in the world,

00:15:22.805 --> 00:15:25.974
and it hurt, it hurt so bad."

00:15:26.741 --> 00:15:30.273
And he said, "Every time that I would cry,
my dad would just yell at me,

00:15:30.273 --> 00:15:31.846
and yell at me.

00:15:31.846 --> 00:15:34.042
And he would say, "Stop crying!

00:15:34.042 --> 00:15:37.136
Don't be so emotional.
Deal with this like a man!"

00:15:39.685 --> 00:15:42.211
Like, here is this twelve-year-old boy,

00:15:42.211 --> 00:15:43.834
clearly not a man.

00:15:44.448 --> 00:15:47.805
I knelt down because my heart
was breaking for him,

00:15:47.805 --> 00:15:51.802
and I wrapped my arms around him,
and he just broke down, crying.

00:15:52.562 --> 00:15:54.371
And I said, "It's okay.

00:15:55.005 --> 00:15:56.533
It's okay."

00:15:57.686 --> 00:16:00.596
Sometimes, all the time,

00:16:00.596 --> 00:16:02.565
"dealing with it like a man"

00:16:02.565 --> 00:16:06.190
means having the courage
to see what's actually there

00:16:06.190 --> 00:16:07.876
instead of running away from it.

00:16:09.896 --> 00:16:11.688
And so, with that in mind,

00:16:12.076 --> 00:16:14.655
I want to leave you
with three simple things.

00:16:14.961 --> 00:16:16.171
Guys,

00:16:16.581 --> 00:16:18.781
it is time to start building
your brotherhoods,

00:16:18.781 --> 00:16:21.921
it's time to start reconnecting
with the men in your life

00:16:21.921 --> 00:16:26.101
who are willing to have
the real conversations,

00:16:26.101 --> 00:16:31.675
the ones that go beyond the booze,
and the babes, and the blood sports.

00:16:31.675 --> 00:16:33.453
(Laughter)

00:16:33.453 --> 00:16:36.396
(Applause)

00:16:42.444 --> 00:16:44.899
Now, I'm not saying
that you've got to get a guitar

00:16:44.899 --> 00:16:48.077
and get around the campfire
and, you know, cry

00:16:48.077 --> 00:16:49.479
and sing Kumbaya.

00:16:49.479 --> 00:16:50.769
(Laughter)

00:16:50.769 --> 00:16:53.576
Well, what I am saying is:
have the meaningful conversations

00:16:53.576 --> 00:16:57.185
about what is actually
happening in your life.

00:16:59.165 --> 00:17:00.552
And ladies -

00:17:01.317 --> 00:17:02.447
(Sigh)

00:17:03.262 --> 00:17:05.168
We've been through a lot together.

00:17:05.168 --> 00:17:06.683
(Laughter)

00:17:06.683 --> 00:17:09.297
First off, ladies,
I just want to say thank you.

00:17:09.297 --> 00:17:11.780
Thank you to every single one of you.

00:17:11.780 --> 00:17:16.573
Second off, I want to say that this talk
is a formal invitation

00:17:16.573 --> 00:17:21.322
to each and every single one of you
to join our conversation.

00:17:21.322 --> 00:17:25.887
Help us, support us in finding strength
within our vulnerabilities,

00:17:25.887 --> 00:17:28.661
for it is there where
we will truly meet you.

00:17:30.181 --> 00:17:32.259
And lastly, fathers,

00:17:34.528 --> 00:17:39.493
be the type of man that you would be
proud to see your daughters marry

00:17:39.493 --> 00:17:44.137
and the type of man that your son
deserves to be raised by

00:17:44.137 --> 00:17:47.454
so he can stop being part of the problem

00:17:47.454 --> 00:17:50.390
and he can start
being part of the solution.

00:17:51.900 --> 00:17:54.709
(Applause) (Cheering)