0:00:00.873,0:00:03.507
As a student of adversity,

0:00:04.309,0:00:09.617
I've been struck over the years[br]by how some people with major challenges

0:00:09.641,0:00:11.979
seem to draw strength from them.

0:00:12.649,0:00:16.586
And I've heard the popular wisdom[br]that that has to do with finding meaning.

0:00:16.940,0:00:18.401
And for a long time,

0:00:18.425,0:00:20.800
I thought the meaning was out there,

0:00:20.824,0:00:23.303
some great truth waiting to be found.

0:00:23.985,0:00:25.535
But over time,

0:00:25.640,0:00:28.103
I've come to feel[br]that the truth is irrelevant.

0:00:28.593,0:00:30.776
We call it "finding meaning,"

0:00:30.800,0:00:34.102
but we might better call[br]it "forging meaning."

0:00:34.983,0:00:37.928
My last book was about[br]how families manage to deal

0:00:37.952,0:00:41.663
with various kinds of challenging[br]or unusual offspring.

0:00:42.303,0:00:44.470
And one of the mothers I interviewed,

0:00:44.494,0:00:47.457
who had two children[br]with multiple severe disabilities,

0:00:47.481,0:00:52.178
said to me, "People always give us[br]these little sayings like,

0:00:52.202,0:00:55.118
'God doesn't give you[br]any more than you can handle.'

0:00:55.789,0:01:00.216
But children like ours[br]are not preordained as a gift.

0:01:01.145,0:01:02.296
They're a gift

0:01:02.320,0:01:05.045
because that's what we have chosen."

0:01:06.680,0:01:10.280
We make those choices all our lives.

0:01:11.351,0:01:13.395
When I was in second grade,

0:01:13.419,0:01:16.276
Bobby Finkel had a birthday party

0:01:16.300,0:01:19.573
and invited everyone in our class but me.

0:01:20.637,0:01:23.131
My mother assumed[br]there had been some sort of error,

0:01:23.155,0:01:24.793
and she called Mrs. Finkel,

0:01:24.817,0:01:29.428
who said that Bobby didn't like me[br]and didn't want me at his party.

0:01:30.022,0:01:33.219
And that day, my mom took me to the zoo

0:01:33.243,0:01:35.150
and out for a hot fudge sundae.

0:01:36.047,0:01:37.951
When I was in seventh grade,

0:01:37.975,0:01:42.293
one of the kids on my school bus[br]nicknamed me "Percy,"

0:01:42.317,0:01:44.638
as a shorthand for my demeanor.

0:01:45.011,0:01:50.059
And sometimes, he and his cohort[br]would chant that provocation

0:01:50.083,0:01:52.113
the entire school bus ride,

0:01:52.137,0:01:55.750
45 minutes up, 45 minutes back:

0:01:55.774,0:01:59.739
"Percy! Percy! Percy! Percy!"

0:02:00.572,0:02:04.753
When I was in eighth grade,[br]our science teacher told us

0:02:04.777,0:02:08.801
that all male homosexuals[br]develop fecal incontinence

0:02:08.825,0:02:11.937
because of the trauma[br]to their anal sphincter.

0:02:13.294,0:02:17.838
And I graduated high school[br]without ever going to the cafeteria,

0:02:17.941,0:02:21.839
where I would have sat with the girls[br]and been laughed at for doing so,

0:02:21.863,0:02:23.520
or sat with the boys,

0:02:23.625,0:02:27.454
and been laughed at for being a boy[br]who should be sitting with the girls.

0:02:28.026,0:02:33.073
I survived that childhood[br]through a mix of avoidance and endurance.

0:02:33.801,0:02:35.555
What I didn't know then

0:02:35.579,0:02:37.055
and do know now,

0:02:37.079,0:02:42.556
is that avoidance and endurance[br]can be the entryway to forging meaning.

0:02:44.366,0:02:46.509
After you've forged meaning,

0:02:46.533,0:02:50.193
you need to incorporate that meaning[br]into a new identity.

0:02:50.921,0:02:52.777
You need to take the traumas

0:02:52.801,0:02:56.076
and make them part[br]of who you've come to be,

0:02:56.100,0:02:59.088
and you need to fold[br]the worst events of your life

0:02:59.112,0:03:01.213
into a narrative of triumph,

0:03:01.320,0:03:05.755
evincing a better self[br]in response to things that hurt.

0:03:06.493,0:03:10.795
One of the other mothers I interviewed[br]when I was working on my book

0:03:10.819,0:03:13.144
had been raped as an adolescent,

0:03:13.168,0:03:16.080
and had a child following that rape,

0:03:16.183,0:03:19.063
which had thrown away her career plans

0:03:19.087,0:03:22.327
and damaged all[br]of her emotional relationships.

0:03:23.073,0:03:26.036
But when I met her, she was 50,

0:03:26.060,0:03:27.438
and I said to her,

0:03:27.462,0:03:30.208
"Do you often think[br]about the man who raped you?"

0:03:30.232,0:03:34.196
And she said, "I used to think[br]about him with anger,

0:03:34.908,0:03:36.593
but now only with pity."

0:03:37.387,0:03:40.020
And I thought she meant pity[br]because he was so unevolved

0:03:40.044,0:03:42.120
as to have done this terrible thing.

0:03:42.576,0:03:43.866
And I said, "Pity?"

0:03:44.343,0:03:45.927
And she said, "Yes,

0:03:46.033,0:03:51.068
because he has a beautiful daughter[br]and two beautiful grandchildren,

0:03:51.092,0:03:52.566
and he doesn't know that,

0:03:53.063,0:03:54.281
and I do.

0:03:54.820,0:03:56.120
So as it turns out,

0:03:56.669,0:03:58.140
I'm the lucky one."

0:04:00.331,0:04:03.166
Some of our struggles[br]are things we're born to:

0:04:03.888,0:04:08.841
our gender, our sexuality,[br]our race, our disability.

0:04:09.507,0:04:11.761
And some are things that happen to us:

0:04:11.785,0:04:15.359
being a political prisoner,[br]being a rape victim,

0:04:15.383,0:04:17.062
being a Katrina survivor.

0:04:17.900,0:04:20.789
Identity involves entering a community

0:04:20.813,0:04:22.952
to draw strength from that community,

0:04:23.370,0:04:25.303
and to give strength there, too.

0:04:25.981,0:04:29.691
It involves substituting[br]"and" for "but" --

0:04:30.207,0:04:33.771
not "I am here but I have cancer,"

0:04:34.275,0:04:39.040
but rather, "I have cancer and I am here."

0:04:39.952,0:04:42.956
When we're ashamed,[br]we can't tell our stories,

0:04:43.476,0:04:46.078
and stories are the foundation

0:04:46.102,0:04:47.325
of identity.

0:04:48.539,0:04:50.187
Forge meaning,

0:04:50.211,0:04:51.610
build identity.

0:04:52.485,0:04:55.443
Forge meaning and build identity.

0:04:56.058,0:04:57.681
That became my mantra.

0:04:58.213,0:05:01.182
Forging meaning[br]is about changing yourself.

0:05:01.801,0:05:04.960
Building identity[br]is about changing the world.

0:05:05.619,0:05:09.620
All of us with stigmatized identities[br]face this question daily:

0:05:10.096,0:05:14.635
How much to accommodate society[br]by constraining ourselves,

0:05:14.659,0:05:17.075
and how much to break the limits

0:05:17.099,0:05:19.490
of what constitutes a valid life?

0:05:20.410,0:05:23.490
Forging meaning and building identity

0:05:23.514,0:05:25.804
does not make what was wrong right.

0:05:26.499,0:05:29.396
It only makes what was wrong precious.

0:05:31.094,0:05:33.197
In January of this year,

0:05:33.221,0:05:37.283
I went to Myanmar[br]to interview political prisoners,

0:05:37.384,0:05:41.474
and I was surprised to find them[br]less bitter than I'd anticipated.

0:05:41.863,0:05:44.403
Most of them had knowingly[br]committed the offenses

0:05:44.427,0:05:46.244
that landed them in prison,

0:05:46.268,0:05:49.723
and they had walked in[br]with their heads held high,

0:05:49.747,0:05:53.788
and they walked out[br]with their heads still held high,

0:05:53.812,0:05:55.350
many years later.

0:05:55.897,0:05:59.309
Dr. Ma Thida, a leading[br]human rights activist

0:05:59.333,0:06:00.737
who had nearly died in prison

0:06:00.761,0:06:03.791
and had spent many years[br]in solitary confinement,

0:06:03.815,0:06:09.771
told me she was grateful to her jailers[br]for the time she had had to think,

0:06:09.795,0:06:11.897
for the wisdom she had gained,

0:06:11.921,0:06:15.080
for the chance to hone[br]her meditation skills.

0:06:15.861,0:06:17.405
She had sought meaning

0:06:17.429,0:06:20.649
and made her travail[br]into a crucial identity.

0:06:21.458,0:06:25.299
But if the people I met[br]were less bitter than I'd anticipated

0:06:25.323,0:06:26.860
about being in prison,

0:06:26.884,0:06:29.725
they were also less thrilled[br]than I'd expected

0:06:29.749,0:06:32.813
about the reform process[br]going on in their country.

0:06:33.343,0:06:34.932
Ma Thida said,

0:06:34.956,0:06:39.912
"We Burmese are noted[br]for our tremendous grace under pressure,

0:06:39.936,0:06:43.849
but we also have grievance under glamour."

0:06:44.587,0:06:48.304
She said, "And the fact that there[br]have been these shifts and changes

0:06:48.328,0:06:52.165
doesn't erase the continuing[br]problems in our society

0:06:52.189,0:06:55.960
that we learned to see so well[br]while we were in prison."

0:06:56.385,0:06:58.521
I understood her to be saying

0:06:58.545,0:07:02.072
that concessions confer[br]only a little humanity

0:07:02.096,0:07:03.884
where full humanity is due;

0:07:04.355,0:07:08.013
that crumbs are not the same[br]as a place at the table.

0:07:08.598,0:07:09.918
Which is to say,

0:07:09.942,0:07:13.072
you can forge meaning and build identity

0:07:13.096,0:07:15.416
and still be mad as hell.

0:07:17.539,0:07:19.180
I've never been raped,

0:07:19.204,0:07:23.670
and I've never been in anything[br]remotely approaching a Burmese prison.

0:07:24.214,0:07:26.047
But as a gay American,

0:07:26.071,0:07:29.609
I've experienced prejudice[br]and even hatred,

0:07:30.284,0:07:31.864
and I've forged meaning

0:07:32.422,0:07:34.624
and I've built identity,

0:07:34.648,0:07:36.972
which is a move I learned from people

0:07:36.996,0:07:40.934
who had experienced far worse privation[br]than I've ever known.

0:07:42.082,0:07:43.907
In my own adolescence,

0:07:43.931,0:07:46.581
I went to extreme lengths[br]to try to be straight.

0:07:47.241,0:07:51.458
I enrolled myself in something called[br]"sexual surrogacy therapy,"

0:07:51.482,0:07:55.144
in which people[br]I was encouraged to call doctors

0:07:55.168,0:07:59.096
prescribed what I was encouraged[br]to call exercises

0:07:59.120,0:08:02.130
with women I was encouraged[br]to call surrogates,

0:08:02.685,0:08:05.226
who were not exactly prostitutes

0:08:05.250,0:08:08.151
but who were also[br]not exactly anything else.

0:08:08.175,0:08:11.470
(Laughter)

0:08:12.443,0:08:16.656
My particular favorite[br]was a blonde woman from the Deep South

0:08:16.680,0:08:20.707
who eventually admitted to me[br]that she was really a necrophiliac,

0:08:20.731,0:08:23.510
and had taken this job[br]after she got in trouble

0:08:23.534,0:08:24.983
down at the morgue.

0:08:25.007,0:08:28.854
(Laughter)

0:08:31.704,0:08:34.683
These experiences eventually[br]allowed me to have

0:08:34.707,0:08:37.524
some happy physical[br]relationships with women,

0:08:37.548,0:08:38.754
for which I'm grateful.

0:08:39.175,0:08:41.063
But I was at war with myself,

0:08:41.665,0:08:45.187
and I dug terrible wounds[br]into my own psyche.

0:08:46.544,0:08:49.739
We don't seek the painful experiences

0:08:49.763,0:08:51.504
that hew our identities,

0:08:52.066,0:08:54.146
but we seek our identities

0:08:54.170,0:08:57.102
in the wake of painful experiences.

0:08:57.643,0:09:00.412
We cannot bear a pointless torment,

0:09:00.529,0:09:03.005
but we can endure great pain

0:09:03.029,0:09:05.076
if we believe that it's purposeful.

0:09:05.972,0:09:08.436
Ease makes less of an impression on us

0:09:08.460,0:09:09.832
than struggle.

0:09:09.856,0:09:12.578
We could have been ourselves[br]without our delights,

0:09:12.688,0:09:16.843
but not without the misfortunes[br]that drive our search for meaning.

0:09:17.728,0:09:21.167
"Therefore, I take[br]pleasure in infirmities,"

0:09:21.191,0:09:23.832
St. Paul wrote in Second Corinthians,

0:09:23.856,0:09:27.106
"for when I am weak, then I am strong."

0:09:28.090,0:09:32.355
In 1988, I went to Moscow[br]to interview artists

0:09:32.379,0:09:34.023
of the Soviet underground.

0:09:34.047,0:09:37.683
I expected their work[br]to be dissident and political.

0:09:38.373,0:09:40.474
But the radicalism in their work

0:09:40.498,0:09:44.334
actually lay in reinserting[br]humanity into a society

0:09:44.358,0:09:46.948
that was annihilating humanity itself,

0:09:46.972,0:09:50.667
as, in some senses,[br]Russian society is now doing again.

0:09:51.234,0:09:53.798
One of the artists I met said to me,

0:09:53.822,0:09:57.398
"We were in training to be[br]not artists but angels."

0:09:58.129,0:10:02.740
In 1991, I went back to see[br]the artists I'd been writing about,

0:10:02.764,0:10:06.652
and I was with them during the putsch[br]that ended the Soviet Union.

0:10:07.090,0:10:11.353
And they were among the chief organizers[br]of the resistance to that putsch.

0:10:11.980,0:10:15.376
And on the third day of the putsch,

0:10:15.400,0:10:18.237
one of them suggested[br]we walk up to Smolenskaya.

0:10:18.613,0:10:20.021
And we went there,

0:10:20.045,0:10:23.241
and we arranged ourselves[br]in front of one of the barricades,

0:10:23.265,0:10:24.712
and a little while later,

0:10:24.736,0:10:26.411
a column of tanks rolled up.

0:10:26.895,0:10:29.186
And the soldier on the front tank said,

0:10:29.210,0:10:33.024
"We have unconditional orders[br]to destroy this barricade.

0:10:33.381,0:10:36.015
If you get out of the way,[br]we don't need to hurt you.

0:10:36.039,0:10:39.431
But if you won't move, we'll have[br]no choice but to run you down."

0:10:39.831,0:10:42.877
The artist I was with said,[br]"Give us just a minute.

0:10:43.326,0:10:46.750
Give us just a minute[br]to tell you why we're here."

0:10:47.381,0:10:49.471
And the soldier folded his arms,

0:10:49.495,0:10:54.070
and the artist launched into[br]a Jeffersonian panegyric to democracy

0:10:54.094,0:10:57.849
such as those of us who live[br]in a Jeffersonian democracy

0:10:57.873,0:11:00.346
would be hard-pressed to present.

0:11:00.905,0:11:02.820
And they went on and on,

0:11:02.844,0:11:04.254
and the soldier watched.

0:11:04.808,0:11:08.072
And then he sat there for a full minute[br]after they were finished

0:11:08.096,0:11:10.694
and looked at us,[br]so bedraggled in the rain,

0:11:10.718,0:11:14.820
and said, "What you have said is true,

0:11:14.844,0:11:17.519
and we must bow to the will of the people.

0:11:18.238,0:11:20.847
If you'll clear enough space[br]for us to turn around,

0:11:20.871,0:11:22.725
we'll go back the way we came."

0:11:23.272,0:11:24.630
And that's what they did.

0:11:25.102,0:11:30.076
Sometimes, forging meaning[br]can give you the vocabulary you need

0:11:30.100,0:11:32.036
to fight for your ultimate freedom.

0:11:33.254,0:11:36.090
Russia awakened me to the lemonade notion

0:11:36.114,0:11:38.644
that oppression breeds[br]the power to oppose it.

0:11:38.995,0:11:43.695
And I gradually understood that[br]as the cornerstone of identity.

0:11:44.496,0:11:48.044
It took identity[br]to rescue me from sadness.

0:11:48.576,0:11:50.851
The gay rights movement posits a world

0:11:50.875,0:11:53.248
in which my aberrances are a victory.

0:11:53.915,0:11:56.818
Identity politics[br]always works on two fronts:

0:11:57.354,0:12:01.933
to give pride to people who have[br]a given condition or characteristic,

0:12:01.957,0:12:04.792
and to cause the outside world[br]to treat such people

0:12:04.816,0:12:06.598
more gently and more kindly.

0:12:07.201,0:12:10.458
Those are two totally[br]separate enterprises,

0:12:10.482,0:12:13.878
but progress in each sphere[br]reverberates in the other.

0:12:14.613,0:12:17.640
Identity politics can be narcissistic.

0:12:18.290,0:12:21.335
People extol a difference[br]only because it's theirs.

0:12:21.849,0:12:25.144
People narrow the world[br]and function in discrete groups

0:12:25.168,0:12:26.927
without empathy for one another.

0:12:27.546,0:12:31.493
But properly understood[br]and wisely practiced,

0:12:31.517,0:12:35.725
identity politics should expand[br]our idea of what it is to be human.

0:12:36.223,0:12:42.001
Identity itself should be[br]not a smug label or a gold medal,

0:12:42.617,0:12:43.970
but a revolution.

0:12:44.848,0:12:47.809
I would have had an easier life[br]if I were straight,

0:12:48.470,0:12:49.697
but I would not be me.

0:12:50.182,0:12:52.859
And I now like being myself better

0:12:52.883,0:12:54.993
than the idea of being someone else,

0:12:55.017,0:12:56.642
someone who, to be honest,

0:12:56.666,0:13:00.560
I have neither the option of being[br]nor the ability fully to imagine.

0:13:01.257,0:13:05.285
But if you banish the dragons,[br]you banish the heroes,

0:13:05.879,0:13:09.658
and we become attached[br]to the heroic strain in our own lives.

0:13:10.428,0:13:11.805
I've sometimes wondered

0:13:11.829,0:13:14.588
whether I could have ceased[br]to hate that part of myself

0:13:14.612,0:13:17.445
without gay pride's technicolor fiesta,

0:13:17.469,0:13:20.115
of which this speech is one manifestation.

0:13:20.139,0:13:21.732
(Laughter)

0:13:21.756,0:13:24.689
I used to think I would know[br]myself to be mature

0:13:24.713,0:13:27.143
when I could simply be gay[br]without emphasis.

0:13:27.834,0:13:31.636
But the self-loathing[br]of that period left a void,

0:13:31.660,0:13:34.914
and celebration needs[br]to fill and overflow it,

0:13:34.938,0:13:38.774
and even if I repay[br]my private debt of melancholy,

0:13:38.798,0:13:41.689
there's still an outer world of homophobia

0:13:41.713,0:13:43.813
that it will take decades to address.

0:13:44.530,0:13:47.798
Someday, being gay will be a simple fact,

0:13:47.822,0:13:50.123
free of party hats and blame.

0:13:50.678,0:13:51.828
But not yet.

0:13:52.602,0:13:56.775
A friend of mine who thought gay pride[br]was getting very carried away with itself,

0:13:56.799,0:14:00.053
once suggested that we organize[br]Gay Humility Week.

0:14:00.077,0:14:01.465
(Laughter)

0:14:01.489,0:14:05.586
(Applause)

0:14:06.752,0:14:07.943
It's a great idea.

0:14:07.967,0:14:09.331
(Laughter)

0:14:09.355,0:14:11.182
But its time has not yet come.

0:14:11.206,0:14:13.167
(Laughter)

0:14:13.551,0:14:18.569
And neutrality, which seems to lie[br]halfway between despair and celebration,

0:14:18.593,0:14:20.285
is actually the endgame.

0:14:21.388,0:14:23.831
In 29 states in the US,

0:14:24.211,0:14:27.356
I could legally be fired or denied housing

0:14:27.380,0:14:28.705
for being gay.

0:14:29.352,0:14:32.095
In Russia, the anti-propaganda law

0:14:32.119,0:14:34.735
has led to people being beaten[br]in the streets.

0:14:35.316,0:14:40.167
Twenty-seven African countries[br]have passed laws against sodomy.

0:14:40.191,0:14:43.927
And in Nigeria, gay people[br]can legally be stoned to death,

0:14:43.951,0:14:45.894
and lynchings have become common.

0:14:46.578,0:14:48.652
In Saudi Arabia recently,

0:14:48.676,0:14:51.549
two men who had been caught in carnal acts

0:14:51.573,0:14:56.089
were sentenced to 7,000 lashes each,

0:14:56.113,0:14:58.672
and are now permanently[br]disabled as a result.

0:14:59.337,0:15:01.560
So who can forge meaning

0:15:01.584,0:15:03.094
and build identity?

0:15:04.118,0:15:07.593
Gay rights are not primarily[br]marriage rights,

0:15:07.617,0:15:10.688
and for the millions who live[br]in unaccepting places

0:15:10.712,0:15:12.557
with no resources,

0:15:12.581,0:15:14.399
dignity remains elusive.

0:15:15.106,0:15:17.686
I am lucky to have forged meaning

0:15:18.261,0:15:19.741
and built identity,

0:15:20.438,0:15:22.321
but that's still a rare privilege.

0:15:22.821,0:15:25.524
And gay people deserve more, collectively,

0:15:25.548,0:15:27.876
than the crumbs of justice.

0:15:28.714,0:15:30.117
And yet,

0:15:30.141,0:15:32.933
every step forward is so sweet.

0:15:33.815,0:15:37.684
In 2007, six years after we met,

0:15:37.708,0:15:40.536
my partner and I decided to get married.

0:15:41.311,0:15:45.315
Meeting John had been the discovery[br]of great happiness

0:15:45.339,0:15:48.207
and also the elimination[br]of great unhappiness.

0:15:48.707,0:15:53.772
And sometimes, I was so occupied[br]with the disappearance of all that pain,

0:15:53.796,0:15:55.561
that I forgot about the joy,

0:15:56.148,0:15:58.945
which was at first[br]the less remarkable part of it to me.

0:15:59.764,0:16:02.371
Marrying was a way to declare our love

0:16:02.395,0:16:05.322
as more a presence than an absence.

0:16:06.451,0:16:08.410
Marriage soon led us to children,

0:16:08.839,0:16:10.381
and that meant new meanings

0:16:10.775,0:16:13.706
and new identities -- ours and theirs.

0:16:14.849,0:16:17.018
I want my children to be happy,

0:16:17.689,0:16:20.713
and I love them most achingly[br]when they are sad.

0:16:21.390,0:16:26.188
As a gay father, I can teach them[br]to own what is wrong in their lives,

0:16:26.827,0:16:30.916
but I believe that if I succeed[br]in sheltering them from adversity,

0:16:30.940,0:16:32.896
I will have failed as a parent.

0:16:33.830,0:16:36.789
A Buddhist scholar I know[br]once explained to me

0:16:36.813,0:16:38.983
that Westerners mistakenly think

0:16:39.007,0:16:43.389
that nirvana is what arrives[br]when all your woe is behind you,

0:16:43.909,0:16:46.458
and you have only bliss[br]to look forward to.

0:16:47.021,0:16:49.163
But he said that would not be nirvana,

0:16:49.187,0:16:51.188
because your bliss in the present

0:16:51.212,0:16:54.097
would always be shadowed[br]by the joy from the past.

0:16:54.600,0:16:57.407
Nirvana, he said, is what you arrive at

0:16:57.431,0:17:00.027
when you have only bliss[br]to look forward to

0:17:00.051,0:17:04.722
and find in what looked like sorrows[br]the seedlings of your joy.

0:17:05.426,0:17:07.178
And I sometimes wonder

0:17:07.202,0:17:10.899
whether I could have found[br]such fulfillment in marriage and children

0:17:10.923,0:17:12.488
if they'd come more readily,

0:17:13.115,0:17:17.046
if I'd been straight in my youth[br]or were young now,

0:17:17.070,0:17:19.538
in either of which cases[br]this might be easier.

0:17:20.585,0:17:22.047
Perhaps I could.

0:17:22.071,0:17:24.278
Perhaps all the complex[br]imagining I've done

0:17:24.302,0:17:26.577
could have been applied to other topics.

0:17:26.601,0:17:30.254
But if seeking meaning[br]matters more than finding meaning,

0:17:30.278,0:17:34.851
the question is not whether[br]I'd be happier for having been bullied,

0:17:34.875,0:17:38.260
but whether assigning meaning[br]to those experiences

0:17:38.284,0:17:39.981
has made me a better father.

0:17:40.878,0:17:44.714
I tend to find the ecstasy[br]hidden in ordinary joys,

0:17:44.738,0:17:48.300
because I did not expect those joys[br]to be ordinary to me.

0:17:49.265,0:17:53.324
I know many heterosexuals who have[br]equally happy marriages and families,

0:17:53.348,0:17:56.292
but gay marriage[br]is so breathtakingly fresh,

0:17:56.316,0:17:59.633
and gay families so exhilaratingly new,

0:17:59.657,0:18:02.754
and I found meaning in that surprise.

0:18:03.772,0:18:07.262
In October, it was my 50th birthday,

0:18:07.286,0:18:09.828
and my family organized a party for me.

0:18:10.420,0:18:13.205
And in the middle of it,[br]my son said to my husband

0:18:13.229,0:18:14.976
that he wanted to make a speech.

0:18:15.000,0:18:16.158
And John said,

0:18:16.182,0:18:20.241
"George, you can't make[br]a speech. You're four."

0:18:20.265,0:18:21.946
(Laughter)

0:18:21.970,0:18:26.491
"Only Grandpa and Uncle David and I[br]are going to make speeches tonight."

0:18:26.515,0:18:29.110
But George insisted and insisted,

0:18:29.134,0:18:32.582
and finally, John took him[br]up to the microphone,

0:18:32.606,0:18:35.455
and George said very loudly,

0:18:35.479,0:18:37.899
"Ladies and gentlemen!

0:18:37.923,0:18:40.395
May I have your attention, please?"

0:18:40.419,0:18:42.514
And everyone turned around, startled.

0:18:43.135,0:18:44.446
And George said,

0:18:45.327,0:18:47.207
"I'm glad it's daddy's birthday.

0:18:47.976,0:18:49.713
I'm glad we all get cake.

0:18:51.284,0:18:53.729
And Daddy, if you were little,

0:18:54.312,0:18:55.692
I'd be your friend."

0:18:55.934,0:18:57.084
(Gasp)

0:18:57.958,0:18:59.494
And I thought -- (Applause)

0:18:59.988,0:19:01.139
Thank you.

0:19:01.163,0:19:04.851
I thought that I was indebted[br]even to Bobby Finkel,

0:19:04.875,0:19:07.517
because all those earlier experiences

0:19:07.541,0:19:09.956
were what had propelled me to this moment,

0:19:09.980,0:19:12.489
and I was finally unconditionally grateful

0:19:12.513,0:19:15.667
for a life I'd once have done[br]anything to change.

0:19:16.719,0:19:20.956
The gay activist Harvey Milk[br]was once asked by a younger gay man

0:19:20.980,0:19:23.060
what he could do to help the movement,

0:19:23.084,0:19:24.678
and Harvey Milk said,

0:19:24.702,0:19:26.289
"Go out and tell someone."

0:19:27.138,0:19:30.637
There's always somebody[br]who wants to confiscate our humanity.

0:19:31.011,0:19:33.266
And there are always[br]stories that restore it.

0:19:33.816,0:19:35.371
If we live out loud,

0:19:35.395,0:19:37.392
we can trounce the hatred,

0:19:37.416,0:19:39.622
and expand everyone's lives.

0:19:40.569,0:19:41.785
Forge meaning.

0:19:42.222,0:19:43.580
Build identity.

0:19:44.169,0:19:45.731
Forge meaning.

0:19:46.393,0:19:48.379
Build identity.

0:19:49.228,0:19:52.135
And then invite the world[br]to share your joy.

0:19:52.675,0:19:53.874
Thank you.

0:19:53.898,0:19:56.916
(Applause)

0:19:56.940,0:19:58.158
Thank you.

0:19:58.182,0:20:00.200
(Applause)

0:20:00.224,0:20:01.403
Thank you.

0:20:01.427,0:20:04.125
(Applause)

0:20:04.149,0:20:05.302
Thank you.

0:20:05.326,0:20:10.357
(Applause)