1
00:00:00,869 --> 00:00:04,372
As a student of adversity,

2
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,094
I've been struck over the years

3
00:00:06,094 --> 00:00:07,792
by how some people

4
00:00:07,792 --> 00:00:09,596
with major challenges

5
00:00:09,596 --> 00:00:12,618
seem to draw strength from them,

6
00:00:12,618 --> 00:00:14,248
and I've heard the popular wisdom

7
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:16,937
that has to do with finding meaning.

8
00:00:16,937 --> 00:00:18,442
And for a long time,

9
00:00:18,442 --> 00:00:20,741
I thought the meaning was out there,

10
00:00:20,741 --> 00:00:23,924
some great truth waiting to be found.

11
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:26,173
But over time, I've come to feel

12
00:00:26,173 --> 00:00:28,587
that the truth is irrelevant.

13
00:00:28,587 --> 00:00:30,776
We call it finding meaning,

14
00:00:30,776 --> 00:00:34,937
but we might better call it forging meaning.

15
00:00:34,937 --> 00:00:37,103
My last book was about how families

16
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:39,717
manage to deal with various kinds of challenging

17
00:00:39,717 --> 00:00:42,282
or unusual offspring,

18
00:00:42,282 --> 00:00:44,196
and one of the mothers I interviewed,

19
00:00:44,196 --> 00:00:47,535
who had two children with
multiple severe disabilities,

20
00:00:47,535 --> 00:00:49,695
said to me, "People always give us

21
00:00:49,695 --> 00:00:51,969
these little sayings like,

22
00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:55,717
'God doesn't give you any
more than you can handle,'

23
00:00:55,717 --> 00:00:57,268
but children like ours

24
00:00:57,268 --> 00:01:01,092
are not preordained as a gift.

25
00:01:01,092 --> 00:01:06,366
They're a gift because that's what we have chosen."

26
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:11,350
We make those choices all our lives.

27
00:01:11,350 --> 00:01:13,437
When I was in second grade,

28
00:01:13,437 --> 00:01:15,806
Bobby Finkel had a birthday party

29
00:01:15,806 --> 00:01:20,171
and invited everyone in our class but me.

30
00:01:20,171 --> 00:01:22,917
My mother assumed there
had been some sort of error,

31
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,744
and she called Mrs. Finkel,

32
00:01:24,744 --> 00:01:26,853
who said that Bobby didn't like me

33
00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:30,027
and didn't want me at his party.

34
00:01:30,027 --> 00:01:33,167
And that day, my mom took me to the zoo

35
00:01:33,167 --> 00:01:36,137
and out for a hot fudge sundae.

36
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:37,935
When I was in seventh grade,

37
00:01:37,935 --> 00:01:40,072
one of the kids on my school bus

38
00:01:40,072 --> 00:01:42,253
nicknamed me "Percy"

39
00:01:42,253 --> 00:01:44,976
as a shorthand for my demeanor,

40
00:01:44,976 --> 00:01:47,865
and sometimes, he and his cohort

41
00:01:47,865 --> 00:01:49,849
would chant that provocation

42
00:01:49,849 --> 00:01:52,118
the entire school bus ride,

43
00:01:52,118 --> 00:01:55,695
45 minutes up, 45 minutes back,

44
00:01:55,695 --> 00:02:00,568
"Percy! Percy! Percy! Percy!"

45
00:02:00,568 --> 00:02:02,418
When I was in eighth grade,

46
00:02:02,418 --> 00:02:04,695
our science teacher told us

47
00:02:04,695 --> 00:02:06,544
that all male homosexuals

48
00:02:06,544 --> 00:02:08,722
develop fecal incontinence

49
00:02:08,722 --> 00:02:12,819
because of the trauma to their anal sphincter.

50
00:02:12,819 --> 00:02:14,988
And I graduated high school

51
00:02:14,988 --> 00:02:17,739
without ever going to the cafeteria,

52
00:02:17,739 --> 00:02:19,438
where I would have sat with the girls

53
00:02:19,438 --> 00:02:21,717
and been laughed at for doing so,

54
00:02:21,717 --> 00:02:23,495
or sat with the boys

55
00:02:23,495 --> 00:02:25,058
and been laughed at for being a boy

56
00:02:25,058 --> 00:02:27,965
who should be sitting with the girls.

57
00:02:27,965 --> 00:02:30,558
I survived that childhood through a mix

58
00:02:30,558 --> 00:02:33,317
of avoidance and endurance.

59
00:02:33,317 --> 00:02:35,505
What I didn't know then,

60
00:02:35,505 --> 00:02:37,236
and do know now,

61
00:02:37,236 --> 00:02:39,463
is that avoidance and endurance

62
00:02:39,463 --> 00:02:44,021
can be the entryway to forging meaning.

63
00:02:44,021 --> 00:02:46,444
After you've forged meaning,

64
00:02:46,444 --> 00:02:48,398
you need to incorporate that meaning

65
00:02:48,398 --> 00:02:50,842
into a new identity.

66
00:02:50,842 --> 00:02:54,026
You need to take the traumas and make them part

67
00:02:54,026 --> 00:02:56,096
of who you've come to be,

68
00:02:56,096 --> 00:02:58,975
and you need to fold the worst events of your life

69
00:02:58,975 --> 00:03:01,248
into a narrative of triumph,

70
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:03,282
evincing a better self

71
00:03:03,282 --> 00:03:06,471
in response to things that hurt.

72
00:03:06,471 --> 00:03:08,216
One of the other mothers I interviewed

73
00:03:08,216 --> 00:03:10,628
when I was working on my book

74
00:03:10,628 --> 00:03:13,088
had been raped as an adolescent,

75
00:03:13,088 --> 00:03:15,853
and had a child following that rape

76
00:03:15,853 --> 00:03:19,009
which had thrown away her career plans

77
00:03:19,009 --> 00:03:23,048
and damaged all of her emotional relationships.

78
00:03:23,048 --> 00:03:26,041
But when I met her, she was 50,

79
00:03:26,041 --> 00:03:27,656
and I said to her,

80
00:03:27,656 --> 00:03:30,212
"Do you often think about the man who raped you?"

81
00:03:30,212 --> 00:03:34,801
And she said, "I used to think about him with anger,

82
00:03:34,801 --> 00:03:36,983
but now only with pity."

83
00:03:36,983 --> 00:03:38,884
And I thought she meant pity because he was

84
00:03:38,884 --> 00:03:42,576
so unevolved as to have done this terrible thing.

85
00:03:42,576 --> 00:03:44,285
And I said, "Pity?"

86
00:03:44,285 --> 00:03:46,007
And she said, "Yes,

87
00:03:46,007 --> 00:03:48,338
because he has a beautiful daughter

88
00:03:48,338 --> 00:03:50,573
and two beautiful grandchildren

89
00:03:50,573 --> 00:03:55,131
and he doesn't know that, and I do.

90
00:03:55,131 --> 00:04:00,271
So as it turns out, I'm the lucky one."

91
00:04:00,271 --> 00:04:03,793
So our struggles are things we're born to:

92
00:04:03,793 --> 00:04:09,498
our gender, our sexuality, our race, our disability.

93
00:04:09,498 --> 00:04:11,791
And some are things that happen to us:

94
00:04:11,791 --> 00:04:15,367
being a political prisoner, being a rape victim,

95
00:04:15,367 --> 00:04:17,880
being a Katrina survivor.

96
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,785
Identity involves entering a community

97
00:04:20,785 --> 00:04:23,166
to draw strength from that community,

98
00:04:23,166 --> 00:04:25,741
and to give strength there too.

99
00:04:25,741 --> 00:04:30,196
It involves substituting "and" for "but,"

100
00:04:30,196 --> 00:04:34,275
not "I am here but I have cancer,"

101
00:04:34,275 --> 00:04:39,934
but rather, "I have cancer and I am here."

102
00:04:39,934 --> 00:04:41,678
When we're ashamed,

103
00:04:41,678 --> 00:04:43,555
we can't tell our stories,

104
00:04:43,555 --> 00:04:48,394
and stories are the foundation of identity.

105
00:04:48,394 --> 00:04:52,421
Forge meaning, build identity,

106
00:04:52,421 --> 00:04:56,065
forge meaning and build identity.

107
00:04:56,065 --> 00:04:58,181
That became my mantra.

108
00:04:58,181 --> 00:05:01,701
Forging meaning is about changing yourself.

109
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:05,537
Building identity is about changing the world.

110
00:05:05,537 --> 00:05:07,887
All of us with stigmatized identities

111
00:05:07,887 --> 00:05:10,003
face this question daily:

112
00:05:10,003 --> 00:05:12,162
how much to accommodate society

113
00:05:12,162 --> 00:05:14,413
by constraining ourselves,

114
00:05:14,413 --> 00:05:17,409
and how much to break the limits

115
00:05:17,409 --> 00:05:20,366
of what constitutes a valid life?

116
00:05:20,366 --> 00:05:23,380
Forging meaning and building identity

117
00:05:23,380 --> 00:05:26,407
does not make what was wrong right.

118
00:05:26,407 --> 00:05:30,821
It only makes what was wrong precious.

119
00:05:30,821 --> 00:05:33,234
In January of this year,

120
00:05:33,234 --> 00:05:37,353
I went to Myanmar to interview political prisoners,

121
00:05:37,353 --> 00:05:39,850
and I was surprised to find them less bitter

122
00:05:39,850 --> 00:05:41,886
than I'd anticipated.

123
00:05:41,886 --> 00:05:43,506
Most of them had knowingly committed

124
00:05:43,506 --> 00:05:46,130
the offenses that landed them in prison,

125
00:05:46,130 --> 00:05:49,334
and they had walked in with their heads held high,

126
00:05:49,334 --> 00:05:51,764
and they walked out with their heads

127
00:05:51,764 --> 00:05:55,846
still held high, many years later.

128
00:05:55,846 --> 00:05:58,952
Dr. Ma Thida, a leading human rights activist

129
00:05:58,952 --> 00:06:00,705
who had nearly died in prison

130
00:06:00,705 --> 00:06:03,652
and had spent many years in solitary confinement,

131
00:06:03,652 --> 00:06:06,860
told me she was grateful to her jailers

132
00:06:06,860 --> 00:06:09,795
for the time she had had to think,

133
00:06:09,795 --> 00:06:11,856
for the wisdom she had gained,

134
00:06:11,856 --> 00:06:15,860
for the chance to hone her meditation skills.

135
00:06:15,860 --> 00:06:17,457
She had sought meaning

136
00:06:17,457 --> 00:06:21,410
and made her travail into a crucial identity.

137
00:06:21,410 --> 00:06:22,967
But if the people I met

138
00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:25,094
were less bitter than I'd anticipated

139
00:06:25,094 --> 00:06:26,950
about being in prison,

140
00:06:26,950 --> 00:06:29,764
they were also less thrilled than I'd expected

141
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:31,517
about the reform process going on

142
00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:33,397
in their country.

143
00:06:33,397 --> 00:06:35,147
Ma Thida said,

144
00:06:35,147 --> 00:06:36,592
"We Burmese are noted

145
00:06:36,592 --> 00:06:39,954
for our tremendous grace under pressure,

146
00:06:39,954 --> 00:06:44,577
but we also have grievance under glamour,"

147
00:06:44,577 --> 00:06:46,693
she said, "and the fact that there have been

148
00:06:46,693 --> 00:06:48,438
these shifts and changes

149
00:06:48,438 --> 00:06:50,462
doesn't erase the continuing problems

150
00:06:50,462 --> 00:06:52,104
in our society

151
00:06:52,104 --> 00:06:54,311
that we learned to see so well

152
00:06:54,311 --> 00:06:56,515
while we were in prison."

153
00:06:56,515 --> 00:06:58,404
And I understood her to being saying

154
00:06:58,404 --> 00:07:01,860
that concessions confer only a little humanity,

155
00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:04,118
where full humanity is due,

156
00:07:04,118 --> 00:07:06,366
that crumbs are not the same

157
00:07:06,366 --> 00:07:08,402
as a place at the table,

158
00:07:08,402 --> 00:07:11,278
which is to say you can forge meaning

159
00:07:11,278 --> 00:07:17,438
and build identity and still be mad as hell.

160
00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:19,102
I've never been raped,

161
00:07:19,102 --> 00:07:21,410
and I've never been in anything
remotely approaching

162
00:07:21,410 --> 00:07:23,827
a Burmese prison,

163
00:07:23,827 --> 00:07:25,921
but as a gay American,

164
00:07:25,921 --> 00:07:30,105
I've experienced prejudice and even hatred,

165
00:07:30,105 --> 00:07:34,617
and I've forged meaning and I've built identity,

166
00:07:34,617 --> 00:07:36,856
which is a move I learned from people

167
00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:39,218
who had experienced far worse privation

168
00:07:39,218 --> 00:07:42,222
than I've ever known.

169
00:07:42,222 --> 00:07:43,909
In my own adolescence,

170
00:07:43,909 --> 00:07:47,261
I went to extreme lengths to try to be straight.

171
00:07:47,261 --> 00:07:49,015
I enrolled myself in something called

172
00:07:49,015 --> 00:07:51,491
sexual surrogacy therapy,

173
00:07:51,491 --> 00:07:55,158
in which people I was encouraged to called doctors

174
00:07:55,158 --> 00:07:59,107
prescribed what I was encouraged to call exercises

175
00:07:59,107 --> 00:08:02,709
with women I was encouraged to call surrogates,

176
00:08:02,709 --> 00:08:05,082
who were not exactly prostitutes

177
00:08:05,082 --> 00:08:08,205
but who were also not exactly anything else.

178
00:08:08,205 --> 00:08:12,418
(Laughter)

179
00:08:12,418 --> 00:08:14,315
My particular favorite

180
00:08:14,315 --> 00:08:17,069
was a blonde woman from the deep South

181
00:08:17,069 --> 00:08:18,711
who eventually admitted to me

182
00:08:18,711 --> 00:08:20,723
that she was really a necrophiliac

183
00:08:20,723 --> 00:08:23,255
and had taken this job after she got in trouble

184
00:08:23,255 --> 00:08:25,033
down at the morgue.

185
00:08:25,033 --> 00:08:29,486
(Laughter)

186
00:08:31,726 --> 00:08:34,134
These experiences eventually allowed me to have

187
00:08:34,134 --> 00:08:37,323
some happy physical relationships with women,

188
00:08:37,323 --> 00:08:39,131
for which I'm grateful,

189
00:08:39,131 --> 00:08:41,595
but I was at war with myself,

190
00:08:41,595 --> 00:08:46,589
and I dug terrible wounds into my own psyche.

191
00:08:46,589 --> 00:08:49,604
We don't seek the painful experiences

192
00:08:49,604 --> 00:08:52,044
that hew our identities,

193
00:08:52,044 --> 00:08:54,003
but we seek our identities

194
00:08:54,003 --> 00:08:57,693
in the way of painful experiences.

195
00:08:57,693 --> 00:09:00,549
We cannot bear a pointless torment,

196
00:09:00,549 --> 00:09:02,889
but we can endure great pain

197
00:09:02,889 --> 00:09:05,904
if we believe that it's purposeful.

198
00:09:05,904 --> 00:09:08,028
Ease makes less of an impression on us

199
00:09:08,028 --> 00:09:09,853
than struggle.

200
00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:12,350
We could have been ourselves without our delights,

201
00:09:12,350 --> 00:09:14,606
but not without the misfortunes

202
00:09:14,606 --> 00:09:17,207
that drive our search for meaning.

203
00:09:17,207 --> 00:09:21,087
"Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities,"

204
00:09:21,087 --> 00:09:23,844
St. Paul wrote in Second Corinthians,

205
00:09:23,844 --> 00:09:28,006
"for when I am weak, then am I strong."

206
00:09:28,006 --> 00:09:31,165
In 1988, I went to Moscow

207
00:09:31,165 --> 00:09:34,057
to interview artists of the Soviet underground,

208
00:09:34,057 --> 00:09:35,723
and I expected their work to be

209
00:09:35,723 --> 00:09:38,347
dissident and political.

210
00:09:38,347 --> 00:09:41,235
But the radicalism in their work actually lay

211
00:09:41,235 --> 00:09:44,310
in reinserting humanity into a society

212
00:09:44,310 --> 00:09:46,943
that was annihilating humanity itself,

213
00:09:46,943 --> 00:09:49,131
as in some senses, Russian society

214
00:09:49,131 --> 00:09:51,268
is now doing again.

215
00:09:51,268 --> 00:09:53,585
One of the artists I met said to me,

216
00:09:53,585 --> 00:09:57,996
"We were in training to be not artists but angels."

217
00:09:57,996 --> 00:10:01,151
In 1991, I went back to see the artists

218
00:10:01,151 --> 00:10:02,629
I'd been writing about,

219
00:10:02,629 --> 00:10:04,778
and I was with them during the putsch

220
00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:07,097
that ended the Soviet Union,

221
00:10:07,097 --> 00:10:08,999
and they were among the chief organizers

222
00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:11,855
of the resistance to that putsch.

223
00:10:11,855 --> 00:10:15,274
And on the third day of the putsch,

224
00:10:15,274 --> 00:10:18,313
one of them suggested we walk up to Smolenskaya.

225
00:10:18,313 --> 00:10:19,785
And we went there,

226
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:23,194
and we arranged ourselves in
front of one of the barricades,

227
00:10:23,194 --> 00:10:24,612
and a little while later,

228
00:10:24,612 --> 00:10:26,873
a column of tanks rolled up,

229
00:10:26,873 --> 00:10:29,100
and the soldier on the front tank said,

230
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:31,114
"We have unconditional orders

231
00:10:31,114 --> 00:10:33,240
to destroy this barricade.

232
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:34,375
If you get out of the way,

233
00:10:34,375 --> 00:10:35,940
we don't need to hurt you,

234
00:10:35,940 --> 00:10:37,818
but if you won't move, we'll have no choice

235
00:10:37,818 --> 00:10:39,901
but to run you down."

236
00:10:39,901 --> 00:10:41,383
And the artists I was with said,

237
00:10:41,383 --> 00:10:43,170
"Give us just a minute.

238
00:10:43,170 --> 00:10:47,358
Give us a just a minute to tell you why we're here."

239
00:10:47,358 --> 00:10:49,474
And the soldier folded his arms,

240
00:10:49,474 --> 00:10:53,794
and the artist launched into a
Jeffersonian panegyric to democracy

241
00:10:53,794 --> 00:10:55,652
such as those of us who live

242
00:10:55,652 --> 00:10:57,573
in a Jeffersonian democracy

243
00:10:57,573 --> 00:11:00,868
would be hard-pressed to present.

244
00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:02,624
And they went on and on,

245
00:11:02,624 --> 00:11:04,627
and the soldier watched,

246
00:11:04,627 --> 00:11:06,356
and then he sat there for a full minute

247
00:11:06,356 --> 00:11:08,015
after they were finished

248
00:11:08,015 --> 00:11:10,645
and looked at us so bedraggled in the rain,

249
00:11:10,645 --> 00:11:14,322
and said, "What you have said is true,

250
00:11:14,322 --> 00:11:18,158
and we must bow to the will of the people.

251
00:11:18,158 --> 00:11:20,749
If you'll clear enough space for us to turn around,

252
00:11:20,749 --> 00:11:23,143
we'll go back the way we came."

253
00:11:23,143 --> 00:11:25,149
And that's what they did.

254
00:11:25,149 --> 00:11:27,407
Sometimes, forging meaning

255
00:11:27,407 --> 00:11:29,847
can give you the vocabulary you need

256
00:11:29,847 --> 00:11:33,255
to fight for your ultimate freedom.

257
00:11:33,255 --> 00:11:36,069
Russia awakened me to the lemonade notion

258
00:11:36,069 --> 00:11:38,974
that oppression breeds the power to oppose it,

259
00:11:38,974 --> 00:11:41,820
and I gradually understood that as the cornerstone

260
00:11:41,820 --> 00:11:44,324
of identity.

261
00:11:44,324 --> 00:11:48,549
It took identity to rescue me from sadness.

262
00:11:48,549 --> 00:11:50,835
The gay rights movement posits a world

263
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:53,426
in which my abberances are a victory.

264
00:11:53,426 --> 00:11:57,274
Identity politics always works on two fronts:

265
00:11:57,274 --> 00:11:59,839
to give pride to people who have a given condition

266
00:11:59,839 --> 00:12:01,796
or characteristic,

267
00:12:01,796 --> 00:12:03,472
and to cause the outside world

268
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:07,160
to treat such people more gently and more kindly.

269
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:10,288
Those are two totally separate enterprises,

270
00:12:10,288 --> 00:12:12,113
but progress in each sphere

271
00:12:12,113 --> 00:12:14,472
reverberates in the other.

272
00:12:14,472 --> 00:12:18,221
Identity politics can be narcissistic.

273
00:12:18,221 --> 00:12:21,549
People extol a difference only because it's theirs.

274
00:12:21,549 --> 00:12:23,948
People narrow the world and function

275
00:12:23,948 --> 00:12:27,299
in discrete groups without empathy for one another.

276
00:12:27,299 --> 00:12:29,484
But properly understood

277
00:12:29,484 --> 00:12:31,405
and wisely practiced,

278
00:12:31,405 --> 00:12:33,396
identity politics should expand

279
00:12:33,396 --> 00:12:36,173
our idea of what it is to be human.

280
00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:37,941
Identity itself

281
00:12:37,941 --> 00:12:40,350
should be not a smug label

282
00:12:40,350 --> 00:12:42,274
or a gold medal

283
00:12:42,274 --> 00:12:44,747
but a revolution.

284
00:12:44,747 --> 00:12:48,313
I would have had an easier life if I were straight,

285
00:12:48,313 --> 00:12:50,090
but I would not be me,

286
00:12:50,090 --> 00:12:52,775
and I now like being myself better

287
00:12:52,775 --> 00:12:54,978
than the idea of being someone else,

288
00:12:54,978 --> 00:12:56,476
someone who, to be honest,

289
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,560
I have neither the option of being

290
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,267
nor the ability fully to imagine.

291
00:13:01,267 --> 00:13:03,189
But if you banish the dragons,

292
00:13:03,189 --> 00:13:05,754
you banish the heroes,

293
00:13:05,754 --> 00:13:07,295
and we become attached

294
00:13:07,295 --> 00:13:10,423
to the heroic strain in our own lives.

295
00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:12,404
I've sometimes wondered

296
00:13:12,404 --> 00:13:14,686
whether I could have ceased
to hate that part of myself

297
00:13:14,686 --> 00:13:17,397
without gay pride's technicolored fiesta,

298
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:21,718
of which this speech is one manifestation.

299
00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:24,735
I used to think I would know myself to be mature

300
00:13:24,735 --> 00:13:27,489
when I could simply be gay without emphasis,

301
00:13:27,489 --> 00:13:31,628
but the self-loathing of that period left a void,

302
00:13:31,628 --> 00:13:34,963
and celebration needs to fill and overflow it,

303
00:13:34,963 --> 00:13:38,817
and even if I repay my private debt of melancholy,

304
00:13:38,817 --> 00:13:41,493
there's still an outer world of homophobia

305
00:13:41,493 --> 00:13:44,502
that it will take decades to address.

306
00:13:44,502 --> 00:13:47,847
Someday, being gay will be a simple fact,

307
00:13:47,847 --> 00:13:50,466
free of party hats and blame,

308
00:13:50,466 --> 00:13:52,244
but not yet.

309
00:13:52,244 --> 00:13:54,473
A friend of mine who thought gay pride

310
00:13:54,473 --> 00:13:56,787
was getting very carried away with itself,

311
00:13:56,787 --> 00:13:58,531
once suggested that we organize

312
00:13:58,531 --> 00:14:00,623
"gay humility week."

313
00:14:00,623 --> 00:14:04,700
(Laughter) (Applause)

314
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:09,158
It's a great idea,

315
00:14:09,158 --> 00:14:11,347
but its time has not yet come.

316
00:14:11,347 --> 00:14:13,592
(Laughter)

317
00:14:13,592 --> 00:14:15,571
And neutrality, which seems to lie

318
00:14:15,571 --> 00:14:18,475
halfway between despair and celebration,

319
00:14:18,475 --> 00:14:21,391
is actually the endgame.

320
00:14:21,391 --> 00:14:24,211
In 29 states in the U.S.,

321
00:14:24,211 --> 00:14:27,403
I could legally be fired or denied housing

322
00:14:27,403 --> 00:14:29,339
for being gay.

323
00:14:29,339 --> 00:14:32,052
In Russia, the anti-propaganda law

324
00:14:32,052 --> 00:14:35,337
has led to people being beaten in the streets.

325
00:14:35,337 --> 00:14:37,463
Twenty-seven African countries

326
00:14:37,463 --> 00:14:40,151
have passed laws against sodomy,

327
00:14:40,151 --> 00:14:42,210
and in Nigeria, gay people can legally

328
00:14:42,210 --> 00:14:43,968
be stoned to death,

329
00:14:43,968 --> 00:14:46,498
and lynchings have become common.

330
00:14:46,498 --> 00:14:48,948
In Saudi Arabia recently, two men

331
00:14:48,948 --> 00:14:51,513
who had been caught in carnal acts,

332
00:14:51,513 --> 00:14:56,036
were sentenced to 7,000 lashes each,

333
00:14:56,036 --> 00:14:59,339
and are now permanently disabled as a result.

334
00:14:59,339 --> 00:15:01,075
So who can forge meaning

335
00:15:01,075 --> 00:15:04,091
and build identity?

336
00:15:04,091 --> 00:15:07,667
Gay rights are not primarily marriage rights,

337
00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:10,593
and for the millions who live in unaccepting places

338
00:15:10,593 --> 00:15:12,430
with no resources,

339
00:15:12,430 --> 00:15:15,086
dignity remains elusive.

340
00:15:15,086 --> 00:15:17,922
I am lucky to have forged meaning

341
00:15:17,922 --> 00:15:19,958
and built identity,

342
00:15:19,958 --> 00:15:22,775
but that's still a rare privilege,

343
00:15:22,775 --> 00:15:25,374
and gay people deserve more collectively

344
00:15:25,374 --> 00:15:28,740
than the crumbs of justice.

345
00:15:28,740 --> 00:15:31,461
And yet, every step forward

346
00:15:31,461 --> 00:15:33,867
is so sweet.

347
00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:37,681
In 2007, six years after we met,

348
00:15:37,681 --> 00:15:39,378
my partner and I decided

349
00:15:39,378 --> 00:15:41,202
to get married.

350
00:15:41,202 --> 00:15:43,294
Meeting John had been the discovery

351
00:15:43,294 --> 00:15:45,028
of great happiness

352
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:48,690
and also the elimination of great unhappiness,

353
00:15:48,690 --> 00:15:50,864
and sometimes, I was so occupied

354
00:15:50,864 --> 00:15:53,565
with the disappearance of all that pain

355
00:15:53,565 --> 00:15:55,717
that I forgot about the joy,

356
00:15:55,717 --> 00:15:59,824
which was at first the less
remarkable part of it to me.

357
00:15:59,824 --> 00:16:02,385
Marrying was a way to declare our love

358
00:16:02,385 --> 00:16:06,501
as more a presence than an absence.

359
00:16:06,501 --> 00:16:08,843
Marriage soon led us to children,

360
00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,330
and that meant new meanings

361
00:16:10,330 --> 00:16:14,792
and new identities, ours and theirs.

362
00:16:14,792 --> 00:16:17,649
I want my children to be happy,

363
00:16:17,649 --> 00:16:21,380
and I love them most achingly when they are sad.

364
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:24,038
As a gay father, I can teach them

365
00:16:24,038 --> 00:16:26,837
to own what is wrong in their lives,

366
00:16:26,837 --> 00:16:28,500
but I believe that if I succeed

367
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,890
in sheltering them from adversity,

368
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:33,880
I will have failed as a parent.

369
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,808
A Buddhist scholar I know once explained to me

370
00:16:36,808 --> 00:16:38,847
that Westerners mistakenly think

371
00:16:38,847 --> 00:16:41,232
that nirvana is what arrives

372
00:16:41,232 --> 00:16:43,665
when all your woe is behind you

373
00:16:43,665 --> 00:16:46,904
and you have only bliss to look forward to.

374
00:16:46,904 --> 00:16:49,199
But he said that would not be nirvana,

375
00:16:49,199 --> 00:16:50,909
because your bliss in the present

376
00:16:50,909 --> 00:16:54,578
would always be shadowed by the joy from the past.

377
00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:57,408
Nirvana, he said, is what you arrive at

378
00:16:57,408 --> 00:17:00,100
when you have only bliss to look forward to

379
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:02,573
and find in what looked like sorrows

380
00:17:02,573 --> 00:17:05,536
the seedlings of your joy.

381
00:17:05,536 --> 00:17:07,257
And I sometimes wonder

382
00:17:07,257 --> 00:17:09,400
whether I could have found such fulfillment

383
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:10,972
in marriage and children

384
00:17:10,972 --> 00:17:13,105
if they'd come more readily,

385
00:17:13,105 --> 00:17:17,023
if I'd been straight in my youth or were young now,

386
00:17:17,023 --> 00:17:20,462
in either of which cases this might be easier.

387
00:17:20,462 --> 00:17:22,151
Perhaps I could.

388
00:17:22,151 --> 00:17:24,108
Perhaps all the complex imagining I've done

389
00:17:24,108 --> 00:17:26,581
could have been applied to other topics.

390
00:17:26,581 --> 00:17:28,171
But if seeking meaning

391
00:17:28,171 --> 00:17:30,158
matters more than finding meaning,

392
00:17:30,158 --> 00:17:33,241
the question is not whether I'd be happier

393
00:17:33,241 --> 00:17:34,907
for having been bullied,

394
00:17:34,907 --> 00:17:36,549
but whether assigning meaning

395
00:17:36,549 --> 00:17:38,214
to those experiences

396
00:17:38,214 --> 00:17:40,880
has made me a better father.

397
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:44,808
I tend to find the ecstasy hidden in ordinary joys,

398
00:17:44,808 --> 00:17:46,607
because I did not expect those joys

399
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:49,295
to be ordinary to me.

400
00:17:49,295 --> 00:17:50,782
I know many heterosexuals who have

401
00:17:50,782 --> 00:17:53,298
equally happy marriages and families,

402
00:17:53,298 --> 00:17:56,189
but gay marriage is so breathtakingly fresh,

403
00:17:56,189 --> 00:17:59,453
and gay families so exhilarating new,

404
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:03,762
and I found meaning in that surprise.

405
00:18:03,762 --> 00:18:07,150
In October, it was my 50th birthday,

406
00:18:07,150 --> 00:18:10,388
and my family organized a party for me,

407
00:18:10,388 --> 00:18:11,807
and in the middle of it,

408
00:18:11,807 --> 00:18:13,104
my son said to my husband

409
00:18:13,104 --> 00:18:15,018
that he wanted to make a speech,

410
00:18:15,018 --> 00:18:16,294
and John said,

411
00:18:16,294 --> 00:18:20,316
"George, you can't make a speech. You're four."

412
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,034
(Laughter)

413
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,166
"Only Grandpa and Uncle David and I

414
00:18:24,166 --> 00:18:26,555
are going to make speeches tonight."

415
00:18:26,555 --> 00:18:29,019
But George insisted and insisted,

416
00:18:29,019 --> 00:18:32,123
and finally, John took him up to the microphone,

417
00:18:32,123 --> 00:18:35,619
and George said very loudly,

418
00:18:35,619 --> 00:18:37,873
"Ladies and gentlemen,

419
00:18:37,873 --> 00:18:40,425
may I have your attention please."

420
00:18:40,425 --> 00:18:43,270
And everyone turned around, startled.

421
00:18:43,270 --> 00:18:45,467
And George said,

422
00:18:45,467 --> 00:18:47,598
"I'm glad it's Daddy's birthday.

423
00:18:47,598 --> 00:18:51,249
I'm glad we all get cake.

424
00:18:51,249 --> 00:18:54,327
And daddy, if you were little,

425
00:18:54,327 --> 00:18:57,224
I'd be your friend."

426
00:18:58,064 --> 00:19:00,831
And I thought—Thank you.

427
00:19:00,831 --> 00:19:03,077
I thought that I was indebted

428
00:19:03,077 --> 00:19:04,965
even to Bobby Finkel,

429
00:19:04,965 --> 00:19:07,552
because all those earlier experiences

430
00:19:07,552 --> 00:19:10,013
were what had propelled me to this moment,

431
00:19:10,013 --> 00:19:12,512
and I was finally, unconditionally grateful

432
00:19:12,512 --> 00:19:16,847
for a life I'd once have done anything to change.

433
00:19:16,847 --> 00:19:18,622
The gay activist Harvey Milk

434
00:19:18,622 --> 00:19:20,840
was once asked by a younger gay man

435
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,796
what he could do to help the movement,

436
00:19:22,796 --> 00:19:24,507
and Harvey Milk said,

437
00:19:24,507 --> 00:19:27,161
"Go out and tell someone."

438
00:19:27,161 --> 00:19:29,345
There's always somebody who wants to confiscate

439
00:19:29,345 --> 00:19:31,022
our humanity,

440
00:19:31,022 --> 00:19:33,798
and there are always stories that restore it.

441
00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:35,426
If we live out loud,

442
00:19:35,426 --> 00:19:36,982
we can trounce the hatred

443
00:19:36,982 --> 00:19:40,526
and expand everyone's lives.

444
00:19:40,526 --> 00:19:44,089
Forge meaning. Build identity.

445
00:19:44,089 --> 00:19:46,423
Forge meaning.

446
00:19:46,423 --> 00:19:49,082
Build identity.

447
00:19:49,082 --> 00:19:50,908
And then invite the the world

448
00:19:50,908 --> 00:19:52,694
to share your joy.

449
00:19:52,694 --> 00:19:55,580
Thank you.

450
00:19:55,580 --> 00:19:57,206
(Applause)

451
00:19:57,206 --> 00:20:00,383
Thank you. (Applause)

452
00:20:00,383 --> 00:20:04,182
Thank you. (Applause)

453
00:20:04,182 --> 00:20:08,182
Thank you. (Applause)