0:00:00.869,0:00:04.372
As a student of adversity,

0:00:04.372,0:00:06.094
I've been struck over the years

0:00:06.094,0:00:07.792
by how some people

0:00:07.792,0:00:09.596
with major challenges

0:00:09.596,0:00:12.618
seem to draw strength from them,

0:00:12.618,0:00:14.248
and I've heard the popular wisdom

0:00:14.248,0:00:16.937
that has to do with finding meaning.

0:00:16.937,0:00:18.442
And for a long time,

0:00:18.442,0:00:20.741
I thought the meaning was out there,

0:00:20.741,0:00:23.924
some great truth waiting to be found.

0:00:23.924,0:00:26.173
But over time, I've come to feel

0:00:26.173,0:00:28.587
that the truth is irrelevant.

0:00:28.587,0:00:30.776
We call it finding meaning,

0:00:30.776,0:00:34.937
but we might better call it forging meaning.

0:00:34.937,0:00:37.103
My last book was about how families

0:00:37.103,0:00:39.717
manage to deal with various kinds of challenging

0:00:39.717,0:00:42.282
or unusual offspring,

0:00:42.282,0:00:44.196
and one of the mothers I interviewed,

0:00:44.196,0:00:47.535
who had two children with[br]multiple severe disabilities,

0:00:47.535,0:00:49.695
said to me, "People always give us

0:00:49.695,0:00:51.969
these little sayings like,

0:00:51.969,0:00:55.717
'God doesn't give you any[br]more than you can handle,'

0:00:55.717,0:00:57.268
but children like ours

0:00:57.268,0:01:01.092
are not preordained as a gift.

0:01:01.092,0:01:06.366
They're a gift because that's what we have chosen."

0:01:06.366,0:01:11.350
We make those choices all our lives.

0:01:11.350,0:01:13.437
When I was in second grade,

0:01:13.437,0:01:15.806
Bobby Finkel had a birthday party

0:01:15.806,0:01:20.171
and invited everyone in our class but me.

0:01:20.171,0:01:22.917
My mother assumed there[br]had been some sort of error,

0:01:22.917,0:01:24.744
and she called Mrs. Finkel,

0:01:24.744,0:01:26.853
who said that Bobby didn't like me

0:01:26.853,0:01:30.027
and didn't want me at his party.

0:01:30.027,0:01:33.167
And that day, my mom took me to the zoo

0:01:33.167,0:01:36.137
and out for a hot fudge sundae.

0:01:36.137,0:01:37.935
When I was in seventh grade,

0:01:37.935,0:01:40.072
one of the kids on my school bus

0:01:40.072,0:01:42.253
nicknamed me "Percy"

0:01:42.253,0:01:44.976
as a shorthand for my demeanor,

0:01:44.976,0:01:47.865
and sometimes, he and his cohort

0:01:47.865,0:01:49.849
would chant that provocation

0:01:49.849,0:01:52.118
the entire school bus ride,

0:01:52.118,0:01:55.695
45 minutes up, 45 minutes back,

0:01:55.695,0:02:00.568
"Percy! Percy! Percy! Percy!"

0:02:00.568,0:02:02.418
When I was in eighth grade,

0:02:02.418,0:02:04.695
our science teacher told us

0:02:04.695,0:02:06.544
that all male homosexuals

0:02:06.544,0:02:08.722
develop fecal incontinence

0:02:08.722,0:02:12.819
because of the trauma to their anal sphincter.

0:02:12.819,0:02:14.988
And I graduated high school

0:02:14.988,0:02:17.739
without ever going to the cafeteria,

0:02:17.739,0:02:19.438
where I would have sat with the girls

0:02:19.438,0:02:21.717
and been laughed at for doing so,

0:02:21.717,0:02:23.495
or sat with the boys

0:02:23.495,0:02:25.058
and been laughed at for being a boy

0:02:25.058,0:02:27.965
who should be sitting with the girls.

0:02:27.965,0:02:30.558
I survived that childhood through a mix

0:02:30.558,0:02:33.317
of avoidance and endurance.

0:02:33.317,0:02:35.505
What I didn't know then,

0:02:35.505,0:02:37.236
and do know now,

0:02:37.236,0:02:39.463
is that avoidance and endurance

0:02:39.463,0:02:44.021
can be the entryway to forging meaning.

0:02:44.021,0:02:46.444
After you've forged meaning,

0:02:46.444,0:02:48.398
you need to incorporate that meaning

0:02:48.398,0:02:50.842
into a new identity.

0:02:50.842,0:02:54.026
You need to take the traumas and make them part

0:02:54.026,0:02:56.096
of who you've come to be,

0:02:56.096,0:02:58.975
and you need to fold the worst events of your life

0:02:58.975,0:03:01.248
into a narrative of triumph,

0:03:01.248,0:03:03.282
evincing a better self

0:03:03.282,0:03:06.471
in response to things that hurt.

0:03:06.471,0:03:08.216
One of the other mothers I interviewed

0:03:08.216,0:03:10.628
when I was working on my book

0:03:10.628,0:03:13.088
had been raped as an adolescent,

0:03:13.088,0:03:15.853
and had a child following that rape

0:03:15.853,0:03:19.009
which had thrown away her career plans

0:03:19.009,0:03:23.048
and damaged all of her emotional relationships.

0:03:23.048,0:03:26.041
But when I met her, she was 50,

0:03:26.041,0:03:27.656
and I said to her,

0:03:27.656,0:03:30.212
"Do you often think about the man who raped you?"

0:03:30.212,0:03:34.801
And she said, "I used to think about him with anger,

0:03:34.801,0:03:36.983
but now only with pity."

0:03:36.983,0:03:38.884
And I thought she meant pity because he was

0:03:38.884,0:03:42.576
so unevolved as to have done this terrible thing.

0:03:42.576,0:03:44.285
And I said, "Pity?"

0:03:44.285,0:03:46.007
And she said, "Yes,

0:03:46.007,0:03:48.338
because he has a beautiful daughter

0:03:48.338,0:03:50.573
and two beautiful grandchildren

0:03:50.573,0:03:55.131
and he doesn't know that, and I do.

0:03:55.131,0:04:00.271
So as it turns out, I'm the lucky one."

0:04:00.271,0:04:03.793
So our struggles are things we're born to:

0:04:03.793,0:04:09.498
our gender, our sexuality, our race, our disability.

0:04:09.498,0:04:11.791
And some are things that happen to us:

0:04:11.791,0:04:15.367
being a political prisoner, being a rape victim,

0:04:15.367,0:04:17.880
being a Katrina survivor.

0:04:17.880,0:04:20.785
Identity involves entering a community

0:04:20.785,0:04:23.166
to draw strength from that community,

0:04:23.166,0:04:25.741
and to give strength there too.

0:04:25.741,0:04:30.196
It involves substituting "and" for "but,"

0:04:30.196,0:04:34.275
not "I am here but I have cancer,"

0:04:34.275,0:04:39.934
but rather, "I have cancer and I am here."

0:04:39.934,0:04:41.678
When we're ashamed,

0:04:41.678,0:04:43.555
we can't tell our stories,

0:04:43.555,0:04:48.394
and stories are the foundation of identity.

0:04:48.394,0:04:52.421
Forge meaning, build identity,

0:04:52.421,0:04:56.065
forge meaning and build identity.

0:04:56.065,0:04:58.181
That became my mantra.

0:04:58.181,0:05:01.701
Forging meaning is about changing yourself.

0:05:01.701,0:05:05.537
Building identity is about changing the world.

0:05:05.537,0:05:07.887
All of us with stigmatized identities

0:05:07.887,0:05:10.003
face this question daily:

0:05:10.003,0:05:12.162
how much to accommodate society

0:05:12.162,0:05:14.413
by constraining ourselves,

0:05:14.413,0:05:17.409
and how much to break the limits

0:05:17.409,0:05:20.366
of what constitutes a valid life?

0:05:20.366,0:05:23.380
Forging meaning and building identity

0:05:23.380,0:05:26.407
does not make what was wrong right.

0:05:26.407,0:05:30.821
It only makes what was wrong precious.

0:05:30.821,0:05:33.234
In January of this year,

0:05:33.234,0:05:37.353
I went to Myanmar to interview political prisoners,

0:05:37.353,0:05:39.850
and I was surprised to find them less bitter

0:05:39.850,0:05:41.886
than I'd anticipated.

0:05:41.886,0:05:43.506
Most of them had knowingly committed

0:05:43.506,0:05:46.130
the offenses that landed them in prison,

0:05:46.130,0:05:49.334
and they had walked in with their heads held high,

0:05:49.334,0:05:51.764
and they walked out with their heads

0:05:51.764,0:05:55.846
still held high, many years later.

0:05:55.846,0:05:58.952
Dr. Ma Thida, a leading human rights activist

0:05:58.952,0:06:00.705
who had nearly died in prison

0:06:00.705,0:06:03.652
and had spent many years in solitary confinement,

0:06:03.652,0:06:06.860
told me she was grateful to her jailers

0:06:06.860,0:06:09.795
for the time she had had to think,

0:06:09.795,0:06:11.856
for the wisdom she had gained,

0:06:11.856,0:06:15.860
for the chance to hone her meditation skills.

0:06:15.860,0:06:17.457
She had sought meaning

0:06:17.457,0:06:21.410
and made her travail into a crucial identity.

0:06:21.410,0:06:22.967
But if the people I met

0:06:22.967,0:06:25.094
were less bitter than I'd anticipated

0:06:25.094,0:06:26.950
about being in prison,

0:06:26.950,0:06:29.764
they were also less thrilled than I'd expected

0:06:29.764,0:06:31.517
about the reform process going on

0:06:31.517,0:06:33.397
in their country.

0:06:33.397,0:06:35.147
Ma Thida said,

0:06:35.147,0:06:36.592
"We Burmese are noted

0:06:36.592,0:06:39.954
for our tremendous grace under pressure,

0:06:39.954,0:06:44.577
but we also have grievance under glamour,"

0:06:44.577,0:06:46.693
she said, "and the fact that there have been

0:06:46.693,0:06:48.438
these shifts and changes

0:06:48.438,0:06:50.462
doesn't erase the continuing problems

0:06:50.462,0:06:52.104
in our society

0:06:52.104,0:06:54.311
that we learned to see so well

0:06:54.311,0:06:56.515
while we were in prison."

0:06:56.515,0:06:58.404
And I understood her to being saying

0:06:58.404,0:07:01.860
that concessions confer only a little humanity,

0:07:01.860,0:07:04.118
where full humanity is due,

0:07:04.118,0:07:06.366
that crumbs are not the same

0:07:06.366,0:07:08.402
as a place at the table,

0:07:08.402,0:07:11.278
which is to say you can forge meaning

0:07:11.278,0:07:17.438
and build identity and still be mad as hell.

0:07:17.438,0:07:19.102
I've never been raped,

0:07:19.102,0:07:21.410
and I've never been in anything[br]remotely approaching

0:07:21.410,0:07:23.827
a Burmese prison,

0:07:23.827,0:07:25.921
but as a gay American,

0:07:25.921,0:07:30.105
I've experienced prejudice and even hatred,

0:07:30.105,0:07:34.617
and I've forged meaning and I've built identity,

0:07:34.617,0:07:36.856
which is a move I learned from people

0:07:36.856,0:07:39.218
who had experienced far worse privation

0:07:39.218,0:07:42.222
than I've ever known.

0:07:42.222,0:07:43.909
In my own adolescence,

0:07:43.909,0:07:47.261
I went to extreme lengths to try to be straight.

0:07:47.261,0:07:49.015
I enrolled myself in something called

0:07:49.015,0:07:51.491
sexual surrogacy therapy,

0:07:51.491,0:07:55.158
in which people I was encouraged to called doctors

0:07:55.158,0:07:59.107
prescribed what I was encouraged to call exercises

0:07:59.107,0:08:02.709
with women I was encouraged to call surrogates,

0:08:02.709,0:08:05.082
who were not exactly prostitutes

0:08:05.082,0:08:08.205
but who were also not exactly anything else.

0:08:08.205,0:08:12.418
(Laughter)

0:08:12.418,0:08:14.315
My particular favorite

0:08:14.315,0:08:17.069
was a blonde woman from the deep South

0:08:17.069,0:08:18.711
who eventually admitted to me

0:08:18.711,0:08:20.723
that she was really a necrophiliac

0:08:20.723,0:08:23.255
and had taken this job after she got in trouble

0:08:23.255,0:08:25.033
down at the morgue.

0:08:25.033,0:08:29.486
(Laughter)

0:08:31.726,0:08:34.134
These experiences eventually allowed me to have

0:08:34.134,0:08:37.323
some happy physical relationships with women,

0:08:37.323,0:08:39.131
for which I'm grateful,

0:08:39.131,0:08:41.595
but I was at war with myself,

0:08:41.595,0:08:46.589
and I dug terrible wounds into my own psyche.

0:08:46.589,0:08:49.604
We don't seek the painful experiences

0:08:49.604,0:08:52.044
that hew our identities,

0:08:52.044,0:08:54.003
but we seek our identities

0:08:54.003,0:08:57.693
in the way of painful experiences.

0:08:57.693,0:09:00.549
We cannot bear a pointless torment,

0:09:00.549,0:09:02.889
but we can endure great pain

0:09:02.889,0:09:05.904
if we believe that it's purposeful.

0:09:05.904,0:09:08.028
Ease makes less of an impression on us

0:09:08.028,0:09:09.853
than struggle.

0:09:09.853,0:09:12.350
We could have been ourselves without our delights,

0:09:12.350,0:09:14.606
but not without the misfortunes

0:09:14.606,0:09:17.207
that drive our search for meaning.

0:09:17.207,0:09:21.087
"Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities,"

0:09:21.087,0:09:23.844
St. Paul wrote in Second Corinthians,

0:09:23.844,0:09:28.006
"for when I am weak, then am I strong."

0:09:28.006,0:09:31.165
In 1988, I went to Moscow

0:09:31.165,0:09:34.057
to interview artists of the Soviet underground,

0:09:34.057,0:09:35.723
and I expected their work to be

0:09:35.723,0:09:38.347
dissident and political.

0:09:38.347,0:09:41.235
But the radicalism in their work actually lay

0:09:41.235,0:09:44.310
in reinserting humanity into a society

0:09:44.310,0:09:46.943
that was annihilating humanity itself,

0:09:46.943,0:09:49.131
as in some senses, Russian society

0:09:49.131,0:09:51.268
is now doing again.

0:09:51.268,0:09:53.585
One of the artists I met said to me,

0:09:53.585,0:09:57.996
"We were in training to be not artists but angels."

0:09:57.996,0:10:01.151
In 1991, I went back to see the artists

0:10:01.151,0:10:02.629
I'd been writing about,

0:10:02.629,0:10:04.778
and I was with them during the putsch

0:10:04.778,0:10:07.097
that ended the Soviet Union,

0:10:07.097,0:10:08.999
and they were among the chief organizers

0:10:08.999,0:10:11.855
of the resistance to that putsch.

0:10:11.855,0:10:15.274
And on the third day of the putsch,

0:10:15.274,0:10:18.313
one of them suggested we walk up to Smolenskaya.

0:10:18.313,0:10:19.785
And we went there,

0:10:19.785,0:10:23.194
and we arranged ourselves in[br]front of one of the barricades,

0:10:23.194,0:10:24.612
and a little while later,

0:10:24.612,0:10:26.873
a column of tanks rolled up,

0:10:26.873,0:10:29.100
and the soldier on the front tank said,

0:10:29.100,0:10:31.114
"We have unconditional orders

0:10:31.114,0:10:33.240
to destroy this barricade.

0:10:33.240,0:10:34.375
If you get out of the way,

0:10:34.375,0:10:35.940
we don't need to hurt you,

0:10:35.940,0:10:37.818
but if you won't move, we'll have no choice

0:10:37.818,0:10:39.901
but to run you down."

0:10:39.901,0:10:41.383
And the artists I was with said,

0:10:41.383,0:10:43.170
"Give us just a minute.

0:10:43.170,0:10:47.358
Give us a just a minute to tell you why we're here."

0:10:47.358,0:10:49.474
And the soldier folded his arms,

0:10:49.474,0:10:53.794
and the artist launched into a[br]Jeffersonian panegyric to democracy

0:10:53.794,0:10:55.652
such as those of us who live

0:10:55.652,0:10:57.573
in a Jeffersonian democracy

0:10:57.573,0:11:00.868
would be hard-pressed to present.

0:11:00.868,0:11:02.624
And they went on and on,

0:11:02.624,0:11:04.627
and the soldier watched,

0:11:04.627,0:11:06.356
and then he sat there for a full minute

0:11:06.356,0:11:08.015
after they were finished

0:11:08.015,0:11:10.645
and looked at us so bedraggled in the rain,

0:11:10.645,0:11:14.322
and said, "What you have said is true,

0:11:14.322,0:11:18.158
and we must bow to the will of the people.

0:11:18.158,0:11:20.749
If you'll clear enough space for us to turn around,

0:11:20.749,0:11:23.143
we'll go back the way we came."

0:11:23.143,0:11:25.149
And that's what they did.

0:11:25.149,0:11:27.407
Sometimes, forging meaning

0:11:27.407,0:11:29.847
can give you the vocabulary you need

0:11:29.847,0:11:33.255
to fight for your ultimate freedom.

0:11:33.255,0:11:36.069
Russia awakened me to the lemonade notion

0:11:36.069,0:11:38.974
that oppression breeds the power to oppose it,

0:11:38.974,0:11:41.820
and I gradually understood that as the cornerstone

0:11:41.820,0:11:44.324
of identity.

0:11:44.324,0:11:48.549
It took identity to rescue me from sadness.

0:11:48.549,0:11:50.835
The gay rights movement posits a world

0:11:50.835,0:11:53.426
in which my abberances are a victory.

0:11:53.426,0:11:57.274
Identity politics always works on two fronts:

0:11:57.274,0:11:59.839
to give pride to people who have a given condition

0:11:59.839,0:12:01.796
or characteristic,

0:12:01.796,0:12:03.472
and to cause the outside world

0:12:03.472,0:12:07.160
to treat such people more gently and more kindly.

0:12:07.160,0:12:10.288
Those are two totally separate enterprises,

0:12:10.288,0:12:12.113
but progress in each sphere

0:12:12.113,0:12:14.472
reverberates in the other.

0:12:14.472,0:12:18.221
Identity politics can be narcissistic.

0:12:18.221,0:12:21.549
People extol a difference only because it's theirs.

0:12:21.549,0:12:23.948
People narrow the world and function

0:12:23.948,0:12:27.299
in discrete groups without empathy for one another.

0:12:27.299,0:12:29.484
But properly understood

0:12:29.484,0:12:31.405
and wisely practiced,

0:12:31.405,0:12:33.396
identity politics should expand

0:12:33.396,0:12:36.173
our idea of what it is to be human.

0:12:36.173,0:12:37.941
Identity itself

0:12:37.941,0:12:40.350
should be not a smug label

0:12:40.350,0:12:42.274
or a gold medal

0:12:42.274,0:12:44.747
but a revolution.

0:12:44.747,0:12:48.313
I would have had an easier life if I were straight,

0:12:48.313,0:12:50.090
but I would not be me,

0:12:50.090,0:12:52.775
and I now like being myself better

0:12:52.775,0:12:54.978
than the idea of being someone else,

0:12:54.978,0:12:56.476
someone who, to be honest,

0:12:56.476,0:12:58.560
I have neither the option of being

0:12:58.560,0:13:01.267
nor the ability fully to imagine.

0:13:01.267,0:13:03.189
But if you banish the dragons,

0:13:03.189,0:13:05.754
you banish the heroes,

0:13:05.754,0:13:07.295
and we become attached

0:13:07.295,0:13:10.423
to the heroic strain in our own lives.

0:13:10.423,0:13:12.404
I've sometimes wondered

0:13:12.404,0:13:14.686
whether I could have ceased[br]to hate that part of myself

0:13:14.686,0:13:17.397
without gay pride's technicolored fiesta,

0:13:17.397,0:13:21.718
of which this speech is one manifestation.

0:13:21.718,0:13:24.735
I used to think I would know myself to be mature

0:13:24.735,0:13:27.489
when I could simply be gay without emphasis,

0:13:27.489,0:13:31.628
but the self-loathing of that period left a void,

0:13:31.628,0:13:34.963
and celebration needs to fill and overflow it,

0:13:34.963,0:13:38.817
and even if I repay my private debt of melancholy,

0:13:38.817,0:13:41.493
there's still an outer world of homophobia

0:13:41.493,0:13:44.502
that it will take decades to address.

0:13:44.502,0:13:47.847
Someday, being gay will be a simple fact,

0:13:47.847,0:13:50.466
free of party hats and blame,

0:13:50.466,0:13:52.244
but not yet.

0:13:52.244,0:13:54.473
A friend of mine who thought gay pride

0:13:54.473,0:13:56.787
was getting very carried away with itself,

0:13:56.787,0:13:58.531
once suggested that we organize

0:13:58.531,0:14:00.623
"gay humility week."

0:14:00.623,0:14:04.700
(Laughter) (Applause)

0:14:06.713,0:14:09.158
It's a great idea,

0:14:09.158,0:14:11.347
but its time has not yet come.

0:14:11.347,0:14:13.592
(Laughter)

0:14:13.592,0:14:15.571
And neutrality, which seems to lie

0:14:15.571,0:14:18.475
halfway between despair and celebration,

0:14:18.475,0:14:21.391
is actually the endgame.

0:14:21.391,0:14:24.211
In 29 states in the U.S.,

0:14:24.211,0:14:27.403
I could legally be fired or denied housing

0:14:27.403,0:14:29.339
for being gay.

0:14:29.339,0:14:32.052
In Russia, the anti-propaganda law

0:14:32.052,0:14:35.337
has led to people being beaten in the streets.

0:14:35.337,0:14:37.463
Twenty-seven African countries

0:14:37.463,0:14:40.151
have passed laws against sodomy,

0:14:40.151,0:14:42.210
and in Nigeria, gay people can legally

0:14:42.210,0:14:43.968
be stoned to death,

0:14:43.968,0:14:46.498
and lynchings have become common.

0:14:46.498,0:14:48.948
In Saudi Arabia recently, two men

0:14:48.948,0:14:51.513
who had been caught in carnal acts,

0:14:51.513,0:14:56.036
were sentenced to 7,000 lashes each,

0:14:56.036,0:14:59.339
and are now permanently disabled as a result.

0:14:59.339,0:15:01.075
So who can forge meaning

0:15:01.075,0:15:04.091
and build identity?

0:15:04.091,0:15:07.667
Gay rights are not primarily marriage rights,

0:15:07.667,0:15:10.593
and for the millions who live in unaccepting places

0:15:10.593,0:15:12.430
with no resources,

0:15:12.430,0:15:15.086
dignity remains elusive.

0:15:15.086,0:15:17.922
I am lucky to have forged meaning

0:15:17.922,0:15:19.958
and built identity,

0:15:19.958,0:15:22.775
but that's still a rare privilege,

0:15:22.775,0:15:25.374
and gay people deserve more collectively

0:15:25.374,0:15:28.740
than the crumbs of justice.

0:15:28.740,0:15:31.461
And yet, every step forward

0:15:31.461,0:15:33.867
is so sweet.

0:15:33.867,0:15:37.681
In 2007, six years after we met,

0:15:37.681,0:15:39.378
my partner and I decided

0:15:39.378,0:15:41.202
to get married.

0:15:41.202,0:15:43.294
Meeting John had been the discovery

0:15:43.294,0:15:45.028
of great happiness

0:15:45.028,0:15:48.690
and also the elimination of great unhappiness,

0:15:48.690,0:15:50.864
and sometimes, I was so occupied

0:15:50.864,0:15:53.565
with the disappearance of all that pain

0:15:53.565,0:15:55.717
that I forgot about the joy,

0:15:55.717,0:15:59.824
which was at first the less[br]remarkable part of it to me.

0:15:59.824,0:16:02.385
Marrying was a way to declare our love

0:16:02.385,0:16:06.501
as more a presence than an absence.

0:16:06.501,0:16:08.843
Marriage soon led us to children,

0:16:08.843,0:16:10.330
and that meant new meanings

0:16:10.330,0:16:14.792
and new identities, ours and theirs.

0:16:14.792,0:16:17.649
I want my children to be happy,

0:16:17.649,0:16:21.380
and I love them most achingly when they are sad.

0:16:21.380,0:16:24.038
As a gay father, I can teach them

0:16:24.038,0:16:26.837
to own what is wrong in their lives,

0:16:26.837,0:16:28.500
but I believe that if I succeed

0:16:28.500,0:16:30.890
in sheltering them from adversity,

0:16:30.890,0:16:33.880
I will have failed as a parent.

0:16:33.880,0:16:36.808
A Buddhist scholar I know once explained to me

0:16:36.808,0:16:38.847
that Westerners mistakenly think

0:16:38.847,0:16:41.232
that nirvana is what arrives

0:16:41.232,0:16:43.665
when all your woe is behind you

0:16:43.665,0:16:46.904
and you have only bliss to look forward to.

0:16:46.904,0:16:49.199
But he said that would not be nirvana,

0:16:49.199,0:16:50.909
because your bliss in the present

0:16:50.909,0:16:54.578
would always be shadowed by the joy from the past.

0:16:54.578,0:16:57.408
Nirvana, he said, is what you arrive at

0:16:57.408,0:17:00.100
when you have only bliss to look forward to

0:17:00.100,0:17:02.573
and find in what looked like sorrows

0:17:02.573,0:17:05.536
the seedlings of your joy.

0:17:05.536,0:17:07.257
And I sometimes wonder

0:17:07.257,0:17:09.400
whether I could have found such fulfillment

0:17:09.400,0:17:10.972
in marriage and children

0:17:10.972,0:17:13.105
if they'd come more readily,

0:17:13.105,0:17:17.023
if I'd been straight in my youth or were young now,

0:17:17.023,0:17:20.462
in either of which cases this might be easier.

0:17:20.462,0:17:22.151
Perhaps I could.

0:17:22.151,0:17:24.108
Perhaps all the complex imagining I've done

0:17:24.108,0:17:26.581
could have been applied to other topics.

0:17:26.581,0:17:28.171
But if seeking meaning

0:17:28.171,0:17:30.158
matters more than finding meaning,

0:17:30.158,0:17:33.241
the question is not whether I'd be happier

0:17:33.241,0:17:34.907
for having been bullied,

0:17:34.907,0:17:36.549
but whether assigning meaning

0:17:36.549,0:17:38.214
to those experiences

0:17:38.214,0:17:40.880
has made me a better father.

0:17:40.880,0:17:44.808
I tend to find the ecstasy hidden in ordinary joys,

0:17:44.808,0:17:46.607
because I did not expect those joys

0:17:46.607,0:17:49.295
to be ordinary to me.

0:17:49.295,0:17:50.782
I know many heterosexuals who have

0:17:50.782,0:17:53.298
equally happy marriages and families,

0:17:53.298,0:17:56.189
but gay marriage is so breathtakingly fresh,

0:17:56.189,0:17:59.453
and gay families so exhilarating new,

0:17:59.453,0:18:03.762
and I found meaning in that surprise.

0:18:03.762,0:18:07.150
In October, it was my 50th birthday,

0:18:07.150,0:18:10.388
and my family organized a party for me,

0:18:10.388,0:18:11.807
and in the middle of it,

0:18:11.807,0:18:13.104
my son said to my husband

0:18:13.104,0:18:15.018
that he wanted to make a speech,

0:18:15.018,0:18:16.294
and John said,

0:18:16.294,0:18:20.316
"George, you can't make a speech. You're four."

0:18:20.316,0:18:22.034
(Laughter)

0:18:22.034,0:18:24.166
"Only Grandpa and Uncle David and I

0:18:24.166,0:18:26.555
are going to make speeches tonight."

0:18:26.555,0:18:29.019
But George insisted and insisted,

0:18:29.019,0:18:32.123
and finally, John took him up to the microphone,

0:18:32.123,0:18:35.619
and George said very loudly,

0:18:35.619,0:18:37.873
"Ladies and gentlemen,

0:18:37.873,0:18:40.425
may I have your attention please."

0:18:40.425,0:18:43.270
And everyone turned around, startled.

0:18:43.270,0:18:45.467
And George said,

0:18:45.467,0:18:47.598
"I'm glad it's Daddy's birthday.

0:18:47.598,0:18:51.249
I'm glad we all get cake.

0:18:51.249,0:18:54.327
And daddy, if you were little,

0:18:54.327,0:18:57.224
I'd be your friend."

0:18:58.064,0:19:00.831
And I thought—Thank you.

0:19:00.831,0:19:03.077
I thought that I was indebted

0:19:03.077,0:19:04.965
even to Bobby Finkel,

0:19:04.965,0:19:07.552
because all those earlier experiences

0:19:07.552,0:19:10.013
were what had propelled me to this moment,

0:19:10.013,0:19:12.512
and I was finally, unconditionally grateful

0:19:12.512,0:19:16.847
for a life I'd once have done anything to change.

0:19:16.847,0:19:18.622
The gay activist Harvey Milk

0:19:18.622,0:19:20.840
was once asked by a younger gay man

0:19:20.840,0:19:22.796
what he could do to help the movement,

0:19:22.796,0:19:24.507
and Harvey Milk said,

0:19:24.507,0:19:27.161
"Go out and tell someone."

0:19:27.161,0:19:29.345
There's always somebody who wants to confiscate

0:19:29.345,0:19:31.022
our humanity,

0:19:31.022,0:19:33.798
and there are always stories that restore it.

0:19:33.798,0:19:35.426
If we live out loud,

0:19:35.426,0:19:36.982
we can trounce the hatred

0:19:36.982,0:19:40.526
and expand everyone's lives.

0:19:40.526,0:19:44.089
Forge meaning. Build identity.

0:19:44.089,0:19:46.423
Forge meaning.

0:19:46.423,0:19:49.082
Build identity.

0:19:49.082,0:19:50.908
And then invite the the world

0:19:50.908,0:19:52.694
to share your joy.

0:19:52.694,0:19:55.580
Thank you.

0:19:55.580,0:19:57.206
(Applause)

0:19:57.206,0:20:00.383
Thank you. (Applause)

0:20:00.383,0:20:04.182
Thank you. (Applause)

0:20:04.182,0:20:08.182
Thank you. (Applause)