(groan)
(voice-over) Tired of stubbing your toes?
(dishes clatter)
My china!
(voice-over) Are you tired of dropping things on the floor?
(tumbles)
(voice-over) Are you tired of being a complete fuck-up
at everything you do?
Try not doing that!
Hey, don't do that.
I could have stubbed my toe there.
Good thing I didn't do that.
And these are way better plates since I didn't break them.
Pfft! Take that, stairs!
Not doing that is easy!
Instead of doing your thing, you simply don't do that.
Here's George.
Lately, I've been up all night, beating myself with a hammer.
It really hurts, and I can't sleep.
Is there anything I can do?
(voice-over) There's something you can NOT do.
That thing you're doing! Simply don't do it.
Wow, that's amazing.
My husband's on a business trip, and I really want to have sex
with the mail man.
(voice-over) Try not doing that!
I never thought of it that way!
Thanks, Not Doing That.
Why, I oughta--
(voice-over) No! Don't do that.
Okay.
I bet I can jump in that pool from here.
(voice-over) Don't do it!
I've gotta [?] all this gravy.
(voice-over) Don't do that either.
Wanna go get tribal tattoos?
(voice-over) No!
I'm gonna fuck that turtle.
(voice-over) Nope!
(somber music)
(voice-over) Do you ever wonder what's the point in anything?
Why even bother getting up?
Every day is the same. Life is meaningless,
and you're just passing the time until you grow old and die.
Existence is a miserable, inescapable void,
and the world is mocking you.
There isn't a single reason to get out of bed in the morning.
(chipper voice-over) Try doing that!
It's called doing that!
From the people who brought you Not Doing That.
Get up, you lazy bum! Just do that!
Ha ha! All right.
(ragtime music)
(chipper voice-over) Just propose already!
- Do it! - You're gonna propose?
Shit, yeah, I am! Thanks, Doing That!
I feel like jumping. Should I do that?
(chipper voice-over) No, uh... don't do that.
But I thought--
(chipper voice-over) Don't do it!
This is pretty confusing, dude.
Should I get an abortion?
(chipper voice-over) That's, uh, kind of a grey area.
I guess there's kind of a lot of factors for you to consider.
Thanks, Doing That!
(voice-over) What?! No! That's not--
Maybe we should...do that again.
- Ooh! - (voice-over) Guys, wait!
That's not what I...
(music slows down)
(new voice-over) Okay, are we ready?
Take three.
And...go.
(chipper voice-over) From the people who brought you Doing That
and Not Doing That, introducing...
Making Your Own Decisions Based On The Situation!
- Should I? - (voice-over) Shut up!
Make your decision based on the situation!
Okay.
I bet if I take a running start--
(voice-over) Great! Have fun!
Yeah!
You wanna go get tribal tattoos?
Hmm, I dunno.
(voice-over) Figure it out between yourselves.
You're adults, goddamn it!
Eat whatever you want.
Do whatever.
Good luck!
(laughter)
God, you guys are fucking idiots!
(theme music)
Everyone put your hands up!
- (gasping) - Right now!
(robber) Do it!
(patriotic music)
Look, it's The Star Spangled Bastard!
You're goddamned right it is!
This money belongs to the banks.
Not you people.
Now give it back!
Let's get him!
Take that! Take this.
And another!
Give him a right wing hook!
Give him a shocking awe!
(gun shot)
(startled gasps)
(blows)
Holy shit!
What? It was self defense.
You all saw it.
(patriotic music)
Ugh. Damn this recession.
(hissing noise)
(patriotic music)
Now, there's a handsome pair of American heroes.
(exhales)
Say, where is Eagle anyway?
Eagle, I'm hoooome!
(Eagle shrieks)
Come here, Eagle!
(thumping)
Guess what daddy did today, Eagle?
(Eagle shrieks)
What do you mean, "It's already on the news"?!
Our top news story tonight, a bank heist was prevented
today by a local hero aptly named The Star Spangled Bastard.
And it's gotten the whole nation talking about gun safety.
(Eagle shrieks)
Quiet, Eagle! I'm on TV.
(gun shot)
But is he really a hero?
Security footage from the robbery shows Mr. Bastard
pulling out a gun and opening fire on a suspect that was
fleeing from the scene. The suspect in question
died immediately.
(somber music)
This is George W. Bullshit! Guns are perfectly safe.
Guns don't kill people, Eagle. People kill people.
People like me! People with guns.
- (gun shot) - (Eagle shrieks)
And furthermore, who is the government to tell us what to do?
(penguin squawks)
Abortion is different, Eagle.
Those babies deserve to be gun-bearing citizens,
just like you and me, except smaller.
(crowd protest) No more guns!
What the--?
Protesters?
Who said they could First Amendment on my lawn?
(protesters) No more guns! No more guns!
How did you find my secret base?
(protester) Google!
Oh, well, get out of here!
(protester) You're a cold-blooded killer, Star Spangled Bastard!
Give up your guns.
I'm not listening!
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, laaaa!
(evil chuckling) Perfect.
The people are turning on Star Spangled Bastard.
It is nearly time to strike. Is the device ready?
Yes, my master. We finished testing
and await your command.
Mister President.
(ominous music)
Give me your orders.
(Mr. President) Take away their guns.
(electricity crackles)
(showdown music)
I guess we gotta talk out our differences.
(gun shot)
I'm coming, Jesus!
(humming Our Country Tis of Thee)
I love this gun!
I'll never get rid of you. You're my third favorite.
(chuckles) Where are you going, little gun?
Whoop! No you don't.
Ah! Wha--?!
What the?! What the?
What's going on?
Eagle! Eagle, help!
(Eagle squawks)
Help me, Eagle. Why can't you fllyyyyy?
(Eagle squawks)
No, no, no, no, no, no!
(straining)
(groans)
(sobbing) No.
(sobbing)
(Eagle squawks)
(news jingle)
We have some breaking news out of, well, everywhere.
Every gun on earth has been confiscated
by some kind of big red balloon thing.
We go now to our field reporter, Abby Babble.
Abby?
It's pure chaos down here, Mike!
Without guns, everything is simply falling apart.
Hey, you guys can't rob this bank.
Why not?
Uh...'cause?
(grunts) [?]
It's every man for himself down here, Mike.
This is Abby Babble signing off.
My god!
Is there anyone who can save us?
(sobbing)
(squawking)
(sobbing)
Huh?
Wait!
If there are no more guns...
then I must become...
a bullet!
- Come, Eagle! - (Eagle squawks)
Do it, Eagle!
Light the fires of freedom!
(patriotic music)
Wait, perhaps if I rigged my elevator to some sort of launching contraption--
(explosion)
Whoooaaaaaaaaa!
Look, it's the Star Spangled Bastard!
Whooaaaa!
(grunts)
The button! Press the button.
Hey, I'm the one saving the day here.
Not you!
Hmm.
Button, button, button.
Oh, button!
You're quite muscular.
(grunts)
I surrender!
(gun shot)
Hmm, I guess guns do kill people.
(grunting)
Hurry, Star Spangled Bastard!
(Star Spangled Bastard) I don't tell you how to do your job!
(gun shots)
- (gun shot) - (electricity crackles)
(inspirational music)
What?! No.
(touching music)
(Eagle squawks)
Eagle?!
(gasps) You can fly!
(laughter)
(patriotic music)
We did it, Eagle!
We restored the second amendment and peace on Earth.
(squawking)
Who'd have thought that all of society's problems
could be solved by everyone packing heat!
(cocks gun)
Yes, indeed.
We've restored the fabric of society, and this fabric doesn't run.
(squawking)
It doesn't have to make sense, Eagle.
It's patriotic.
(squawking)
Good night, Eagle.
(cocks gun)
(gun shot)
(bullet ricochets)
(Eagle squawks)
(theme music)
[captioned by www.facebook.com/subtitleyoutube]