[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.96,0:00:03.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was a blue-eyed,\Nchubby-cheeked five-year-old
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.64,0:00:06.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I joined my family\Non the picket line for the first time.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.84,0:00:09.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mom made me leave\Nmy dolls in the minivan.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.80,0:00:13.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd stand on a street corner\Nin the heavy Kansas humidity,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.92,0:00:16.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,surrounded by a few dozen relatives,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.56,0:00:19.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with my tiny fists clutching\Na sign that I couldn't read yet:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.68,0:00:22.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Gays are worthy of death."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.12,0:00:24.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This was the beginning.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.04,0:00:27.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our protests soon became\Na daily occurrence
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.28,0:00:29.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and an international phenomenon,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.24,0:00:31.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and as a member\Nof Westboro Baptist Church,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.72,0:00:34.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became a fixture\Non picket lines across the country.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.88,0:00:37.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The end of my antigay picketing career
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.24,0:00:38.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and life as I knew it,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.68,0:00:40.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,came 20 years later,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.36,0:00:42.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,triggered in part by strangers on Twitter
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.88,0:00:45.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who showed me the power\Nof engaging the other.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.28,0:00:48.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In my home,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.52,0:00:51.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,life was framed as an epic\Nspiritual battle between good and evil.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.20,0:00:54.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The good was my church and its members
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.80,0:00:56.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the evil was everyone else.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.88,0:00:59.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My church's antics were such
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.36,0:01:01.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we were constantly\Nat odds with the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.80,0:01:04.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that reinforced\Nour otherness on a daily basis.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.64,0:01:08.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Make a difference\Nbetween the unclean and the clean,"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.28,0:01:09.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the verse says,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.64,0:01:10.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so we did.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.00,0:01:13.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,From baseball games to military funerals,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.16,0:01:16.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we trekked across the country\Nwith neon protest signs in hand
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.96,0:01:19.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to tell others exactly\Nhow unclean they were
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.96,0:01:22.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and exactly why\Nthey were headed for damnation.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.44,0:01:25.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This was the focus of our whole lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.40,0:01:30.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This was the only way for me to do good\Nin a world that sits in Satan's lap.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.36,0:01:33.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And like the rest of my 10 siblings,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.36,0:01:35.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I believed what I was taught\Nwith all my heart
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.84,0:01:38.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I pursued Westboro's agenda\Nwith a special sort of zeal.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.00,0:01:42.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In 2009, that zeal brought me to Twitter.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.56,0:01:45.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Initially, the people\NI encountered on the platform
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.00,0:01:48.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were just as hostile as I expected.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.24,0:01:50.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were the digital version\Nof the screaming hoards
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.76,0:01:53.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd been seeing at protests\Nsince I was a kid,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.44,0:01:55.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but in the midst of that digital brawl,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.92,0:01:58.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a strange pattern developed.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.28,0:02:02.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Someone would arrive at my profile\Nwith the usual rage and scorn,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.96,0:02:07.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would respond with a custom mix\Nof Bible verses, pop culture references
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.12,0:02:08.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and smiley faces,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.48,0:02:13.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they would be understandably\Nconfused and caught off guard,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.64,0:02:15.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but then a conversation would ensue.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.12,0:02:17.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was civil --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.40,0:02:19.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,full of genuine curiosity on both sides.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.36,0:02:24.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How had the other come to such\Noutrageous conclusions about the world?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.12,0:02:27.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes the conversation\Neven bled into real life.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.16,0:02:29.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People I'd sparred with on Twitter
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.84,0:02:32.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would come out\Nto the picket line to see me
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.20,0:02:33.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I protested in their city.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.84,0:02:36.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A man named David was one such person.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.52,0:02:39.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He ran a blog called "Jewlicious,"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.80,0:02:43.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and after several months\Nof heated but friendly arguments online,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.92,0:02:46.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he came out to see me\Nat a picket in New Orleans.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.92,0:02:50.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He brought me a Middle Eastern dessert\Nfrom Jerusalem, where he lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.60,0:02:52.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I brought him kosher chocolate
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.88,0:02:54.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and held a "God hates Jews" sign.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.96,0:02:57.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.04,0:02:59.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was no confusion\Nabout our positions,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.12,0:03:02.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the line between friend and foe\Nwas becoming blurred.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.80,0:03:05.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We'd started to see each other\Nas human beings,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.08,0:03:07.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it changed the way\Nwe spoke to one another.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.28,0:03:09.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It took time,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.52,0:03:12.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but eventually these conversations\Nplanted seeds of doubt in me.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.08,0:03:16.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My friends on Twitter took the time\Nto understand Westboro's doctrines,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.76,0:03:17.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in doing so,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.00,0:03:21.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they were able to find inconsistencies\NI'd missed my entire life.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.12,0:03:25.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why did we advocate\Nthe death penalty for gays
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.04,0:03:28.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when Jesus said, "Let he who is\Nwithout sin cast the first stone?"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.28,0:03:31.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How could we claim to love our neighbor
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.76,0:03:34.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while at the same time\Npraying for God to destroy them?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.88,0:03:39.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The truth is that the care shown to me\Nby these strangers on the Internet
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.72,0:03:41.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was itself a contradiction.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.20,0:03:43.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was growing evidence
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.48,0:03:46.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that people on the other side were not\Nthe demons I'd been led to believe.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.20,0:03:50.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These realizations were life-altering.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.24,0:03:54.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Once I saw that we were not\Nthe ultimate arbiters of divine truth
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.52,0:03:56.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but flawed human beings,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.32,0:03:57.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't pretend otherwise.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.44,0:04:00.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't justify our actions --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.92,0:04:03.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially our cruel practice\Nof protesting funerals
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.92,0:04:05.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and celebrating human tragedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.52,0:04:08.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These shifts in my perspective
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.00,0:04:12.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,contributed to a larger erosion\Nof trust in my church,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.12,0:04:15.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and eventually it made it\Nimpossible for me to stay.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.68,0:04:20.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In spite of overwhelming grief and terror,\NI left Westboro in 2012.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.76,0:04:24.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In those days just after I left,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.68,0:04:27.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the instinct to hide\Nwas almost paralyzing.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.24,0:04:30.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to hide\Nfrom the judgement of my family,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.60,0:04:32.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who I knew would never\Nspeak to me again --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.84,0:04:35.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people whose thoughts and opinions\Nhad meant everything to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.28,0:04:39.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I wanted to hide from the world\NI'd rejected for so long --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.68,0:04:42.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people who had no reason at all\Nto give me a second chance
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.44,0:04:44.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after a lifetime of antagonism.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.60,0:04:47.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, unbelievably,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.20,0:04:48.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they did.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.68,0:04:52.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The world had access to my past\Nbecause it was all over the Internet --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.08,0:04:54.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,thousands of tweets\Nand hundreds of interviews,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.48,0:04:57.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everything from local TV news\Nto "The Howard Stern Show" --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.00,0:05:00.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but so many embraced me\Nwith open arms anyway.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.80,0:05:03.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wrote an apology\Nfor the harm I'd caused,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.92,0:05:07.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I also knew that an apology\Ncould never undo any of it.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.96,0:05:10.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All I could do was try to build a new life
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.24,0:05:13.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and find a way somehow\Nto repair some of the damage.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.56,0:05:16.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People had every reason\Nto doubt my sincerity,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.96,0:05:18.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but most of them didn't.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.88,0:05:20.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.68,0:05:21.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,given my history,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.92,0:05:23.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was more than I could've hoped for --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.88,0:05:26.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.36,0:05:27.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It still amazes me.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.52,0:05:31.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent my first year away from home
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.48,0:05:34.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,adrift with my younger sister,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.20,0:05:35.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who had chosen to leave with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.80,0:05:38.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We walked into an abyss,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.36,0:05:42.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we were shocked to find\Nthe light and a way forward
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.08,0:05:44.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the same communities\Nwe'd targeted for so long.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.60,0:05:46.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,David,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.84,0:05:48.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my "Jewlicious" friend from Twitter,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.76,0:05:52.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,invited us to spend time among\Na Jewish community in Los Angeles.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.52,0:05:55.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We slept on couches in the home\Nof a Hasidic rabbi and his wife
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.76,0:05:56.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and their four kids --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.60,0:06:00.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the same rabbi that I'd protested\Nthree years earlier
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.44,0:06:02.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a sign that said,\N"Your rabbi is a whore."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.92,0:06:08.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We spent long hours talking\Nabout theology and Judaism and life
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.88,0:06:11.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while we washed dishes\Nin their kosher kitchen
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.12,0:06:12.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and chopped vegetables for dinner.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.60,0:06:15.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They treated us like family.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.64,0:06:17.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They held nothing against us,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.76,0:06:19.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and again I was astonished.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.76,0:06:22.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That period was full of turmoil,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.48,0:06:24.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but one part I've returned to often
Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.80,0:06:27.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is a surprising realization\NI had during that time --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.52,0:06:32.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it was a relief and a privilege\Nto let go of the harsh judgments
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.80,0:06:36.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that instinctively ran through my mind\Nabout nearly every person I saw.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.68,0:06:40.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realized that now I needed to learn.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.04,0:06:42.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I needed to listen.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.52,0:06:45.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This has been at the front\Nof my mind lately,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.68,0:06:48.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I can't help but see\Nin our public discourse
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.64,0:06:52.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so many of the same destructive impulses\Nthat ruled my former church.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.56,0:06:57.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We celebrate tolerance and diversity\Nmore than at any other time in memory,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.52,0:06:59.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and still we grow more and more divided.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.44,0:07:02.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We want good things --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.36,0:07:05.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,justice, equality,\Nfreedom, dignity, prosperity --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.00,0:07:07.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the path we've chosen
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.32,0:07:10.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,looks so much like the one\NI walked away from four years ago.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.36,0:07:14.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We've broken the world into us and them,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.52,0:07:16.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,only emerging from our bunkers long enough
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.60,0:07:18.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to lob rhetorical grenades\Nat the other camp.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.84,0:07:23.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We write off half the country\Nas out-of-touch liberal elites,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.56,0:07:25.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or racist misogynist bullies.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.20,0:07:29.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No nuance, no complexity, no humanity.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.48,0:07:34.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even when someone does call for empathy\Nand understanding for the other side,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.32,0:07:36.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the conversation nearly always devolves
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.24,0:07:38.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into a debate about\Nwho deserves more empathy.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.72,0:07:41.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And just as I learned to do,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.24,0:07:44.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we routinely refuse to acknowledge\Nthe flaws in our positions
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.80,0:07:46.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or the merits in our opponent's.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.20,0:07:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Compromise is anathema.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.60,0:07:53.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We even target people on our own side\Nwhen they dare to question the party line.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.80,0:07:59.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This path has brought us cruel,\Nsniping, deepening polarization,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.32,0:08:00.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and even outbreaks of violence.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.56,0:08:03.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I remember this path.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.64,0:08:05.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It will not take us where we want to go.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.08,0:08:09.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What gives me hope is that\Nwe can do something about this.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.56,0:08:12.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The good news is that it's simple
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.84,0:08:14.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the bad news is that it's hard.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.20,0:08:19.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have to talk and listen\Nto people we disagree with.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.04,0:08:21.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's hard because we often can't fathom
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.96,0:08:24.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how the other side\Ncame to their positions.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.80,0:08:27.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's hard because righteous indignation,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.40,0:08:30.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that sense of certainty\Nthat ours is the right side,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.60,0:08:32.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is so seductive.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.92,0:08:36.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's hard because it means\Nextending empathy and compassion
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.28,0:08:38.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to people who show us\Nhostility and contempt.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.60,0:08:42.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The impulse to respond in kind\Nis so tempting,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.36,0:08:45.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that isn't who we want to be.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.32,0:08:46.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can resist.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.00,0:08:51.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I will always be inspired to do so\Nby those people I encountered on Twitter,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.48,0:08:55.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,apparent enemies\Nwho became my beloved friends.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.20,0:08:58.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in the case of one particularly\Nunderstanding and generous guy,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.64,0:08:59.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my husband.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.80,0:09:03.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was nothing special\Nabout the way I responded to him.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.96,0:09:07.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was special was their approach.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.08,0:09:10.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought about it a lot\Nover the past few years
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.68,0:09:13.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I found four things\Nthey did differently
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.56,0:09:15.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that made real conversation possible.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.00,0:09:19.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These four steps were small but powerful,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.36,0:09:23.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I do everything I can to employ them\Nin difficult conversations today.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.24,0:09:27.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first is don't assume bad intent.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.24,0:09:29.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My friends on Twitter realized
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.72,0:09:32.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that even when my words\Nwere aggressive and offensive,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.68,0:09:35.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I sincerely believed\NI was doing the right thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.60,0:09:38.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Assuming ill motives\Nalmost instantly cuts us off
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.60,0:09:42.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from truly understanding\Nwhy someone does and believes as they do.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.92,0:09:44.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We forget that they're a human being
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.68,0:09:47.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a lifetime of experience\Nthat shaped their mind,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.68,0:09:50.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we get stuck\Non that first wave of anger,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.40,0:09:54.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the conversation has a very hard time\Never moving beyond it.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.80,0:09:57.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But when we assume good or neutral intent,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.48,0:10:00.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we give our minds a much stronger\Nframework for dialogue.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.16,0:10:05.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second is ask questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.76,0:10:08.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we engage people\Nacross ideological divides,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.36,0:10:10.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,asking questions\Nhelps us map the disconnect
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.84,0:10:12.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between our differing points of view.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.20,0:10:16.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's important because\Nwe can't present effective arguments
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.12,0:10:19.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we don't understand where\Nthe other side is actually coming from
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.32,0:10:24.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and because it gives them an opportunity\Nto point out flaws in our positions.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.08,0:10:27.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But asking questions\Nserves another purpose;
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.56,0:10:30.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it signals to someone\Nthat they're being heard.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:30.76,0:10:32.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When my friends on Twitter\Nstopped accusing
Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.92,0:10:34.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and started asking questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.72,0:10:36.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I almost automatically mirrored them.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.76,0:10:39.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Their questions gave me room to speak,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.64,0:10:43.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they also gave me permission\Nto ask them questions
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.04,0:10:45.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to truly hear their responses.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.88,0:10:48.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It fundamentally changed\Nthe dynamic of our conversation.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.32,0:10:52.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The third is stay calm.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.00,0:10:54.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This takes practice and patience,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.84,0:10:56.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's powerful.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.72,0:11:01.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At Westboro, I learned not to care\Nhow my manner of speaking affected others.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.04,0:11:04.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought my rightness\Njustified my rudeness --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.12,0:11:07.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,harsh tones, raised voices,\Ninsults, interruptions --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:07.88,0:11:10.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that strategy\Nis ultimately counterproductive.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.96,0:11:14.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Dialing up the volume and the snark\Nis natural in stressful situations,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.76,0:11:19.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it tends to bring the conversation\Nto an unsatisfactory, explosive end.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:20.60,0:11:23.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When my husband was still\Njust an anonymous Twitter acquaintance,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.88,0:11:26.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our discussions frequently\Nbecame hard and pointed,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:26.76,0:11:28.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we always refused to escalate.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.36,0:11:31.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, he would change the subject.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:31.32,0:11:33.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He would tell a joke or recommend a book,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.56,0:11:36.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or gently excuse himself\Nfrom the conversation.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.56,0:11:39.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We knew the discussion wasn't over,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.44,0:11:42.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just paused for a time\Nto bring us back to an even keel.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.60,0:11:46.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People often lament that digital\Ncommunication makes us less civil,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.80,0:11:51.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but this is one advantage that online\Nconversations have over in-person ones.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.68,0:11:54.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a buffer of time and space
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.32,0:11:57.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between us and the people\Nwhose ideas we find so frustrating.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.28,0:12:00.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can use that buffer.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:00.36,0:12:04.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead of lashing out,\Nwe can pause, breathe,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.08,0:12:06.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,change the subject or walk away,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.28,0:12:08.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then come back to it when we're ready.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.20,0:12:11.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And finally ...
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.76,0:12:13.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,make the argument.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.12,0:12:17.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This might seem obvious,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.44,0:12:20.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but one side effect\Nof having strong beliefs
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.04,0:12:21.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that we sometimes assume
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.68,0:12:26.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the value of our position\Nis or should be obvious and self-evident,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.80,0:12:29.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we shouldn't\Nhave to defend our positions
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.04,0:12:32.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they're so clearly right and good
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.16,0:12:34.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that if someone doesn't get it,\Nit's their problem --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.76,0:12:36.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it's not my job to educate them.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.56,0:12:38.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if it were that simple,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.92,0:12:40.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we would all see things the same way.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:41.36,0:12:43.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As kind as my friends on Twitter were,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.84,0:12:46.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if they hadn't actually\Nmade their arguments,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.24,0:12:49.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it would've been so much harder for me\Nto see the world in a different way.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.96,0:12:53.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are all a product of our upbringing,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.40,0:12:55.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our beliefs reflect our experiences.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.56,0:13:00.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can't expect others\Nto spontaneously change their own minds.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.56,0:13:01.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we want change,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.00,0:13:03.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we have to make the case for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.16,0:13:09.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My friends on Twitter didn't abandon\Ntheir beliefs or their principles --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:09.24,0:13:10.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,only their scorn.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.24,0:13:14.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They channeled their\Ninfinitely justifiable offense
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.88,0:13:19.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and came to me with pointed questions\Ntempered with kindness and humor.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.88,0:13:21.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They approached me as a human being,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.00,0:13:23.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that was more transformative
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.60,0:13:27.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than two full decades\Nof outrage, disdain and violence.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.76,0:13:32.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that some might not have\Nthe time or the energy or the patience
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.56,0:13:33.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for extensive engagement,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.84,0:13:35.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but as difficult as it can be,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.92,0:13:38.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,reaching out to someone we disagree with
Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.44,0:13:40.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is an option that is\Navailable to all of us.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.28,0:13:45.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I sincerely believe\Nthat we can do hard things,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.12,0:13:47.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not just for them\Nbut for us and our future.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.48,0:13:50.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Escalating disgust\Nand intractable conflict
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.00,0:13:53.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are not what we want for ourselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.16,0:13:54.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or our country,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.44,0:13:55.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or our next generation.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.52,0:14:01.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mom said something to me\Na few weeks before I left Westboro,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:01.84,0:14:03.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I was desperately hoping
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.28,0:14:05.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there was a way\NI could stay with my family.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:06.92,0:14:09.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People I have loved\Nwith every pulse of my heart
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.32,0:14:12.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,since even before I was\Nthat chubby-cheeked five-year-old,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.68,0:14:15.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,standing on a picket line\Nholding a sign I couldn't read.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.16,0:14:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "You're just a human being,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:18.84,0:14:20.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my dear sweet child."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:21.76,0:14:24.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was asking me to be humble --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.04,0:14:27.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not to question\Nbut to trust God and my elders.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.96,0:14:31.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But to me, she was missing\Nthe bigger picture --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.52,0:14:33.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we're all just human beings.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:34.12,0:14:37.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That we should be guided\Nby that most basic fact,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.08,0:14:40.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and approach one another\Nwith generosity and compassion.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.32,0:14:42.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Each one of us\Ncontributes to the communities
Dialogue: 0,0:14:42.64,0:14:45.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the cultures and the societies\Nthat we make up.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:46.00,0:14:50.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The end of this spiral of rage and blame\Nbegins with one person
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.68,0:14:55.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who refuses to indulge\Nthese destructive, seductive impulses.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.92,0:14:58.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We just have to decide\Nthat it's going to start with us.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.96,0:15:00.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.20,0:15:02.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)