0:00:00.960,0:00:03.616
I was a blue-eyed,[br]chubby-cheeked five-year-old

0:00:03.640,0:00:06.760
when I joined my family[br]on the picket line for the first time.

0:00:07.840,0:00:09.960
My mom made me leave[br]my dolls in the minivan.

0:00:10.800,0:00:13.896
I'd stand on a street corner[br]in the heavy Kansas humidity,

0:00:13.920,0:00:16.536
surrounded by a few dozen relatives,

0:00:16.560,0:00:19.680
with my tiny fists clutching[br]a sign that I couldn't read yet:

0:00:20.680,0:00:22.280
"Gays are worthy of death."

0:00:23.120,0:00:24.320
This was the beginning.

0:00:25.040,0:00:27.256
Our protests soon became[br]a daily occurrence

0:00:27.280,0:00:29.216
and an international phenomenon,

0:00:29.240,0:00:31.696
and as a member[br]of Westboro Baptist Church,

0:00:31.720,0:00:34.856
I became a fixture[br]on picket lines across the country.

0:00:34.880,0:00:37.216
The end of my antigay picketing career

0:00:37.240,0:00:38.656
and life as I knew it,

0:00:38.680,0:00:40.336
came 20 years later,

0:00:40.360,0:00:42.856
triggered in part by strangers on Twitter

0:00:42.880,0:00:45.560
who showed me the power[br]of engaging the other.

0:00:47.280,0:00:48.496
In my home,

0:00:48.520,0:00:51.640
life was framed as an epic[br]spiritual battle between good and evil.

0:00:52.200,0:00:54.776
The good was my church and its members

0:00:54.800,0:00:56.720
and the evil was everyone else.

0:00:57.880,0:00:59.336
My church's antics were such

0:00:59.360,0:01:01.776
that we were constantly[br]at odds with the world,

0:01:01.800,0:01:04.599
and that reinforced[br]our otherness on a daily basis.

0:01:05.640,0:01:08.256
"Make a difference[br]between the unclean and the clean,"

0:01:08.280,0:01:09.616
the verse says,

0:01:09.640,0:01:10.976
and so we did.

0:01:11.000,0:01:13.136
From baseball games to military funerals,

0:01:13.160,0:01:16.936
we trekked across the country[br]with neon protest signs in hand

0:01:16.960,0:01:19.936
to tell others exactly[br]how unclean they were

0:01:19.960,0:01:22.680
and exactly why[br]they were headed for damnation.

0:01:23.440,0:01:25.800
This was the focus of our whole lives.

0:01:26.400,0:01:30.520
This was the only way for me to do good[br]in a world that sits in Satan's lap.

0:01:31.360,0:01:33.336
And like the rest of my 10 siblings,

0:01:33.360,0:01:35.816
I believed what I was taught[br]with all my heart

0:01:35.840,0:01:38.680
and I pursued Westboro's agenda[br]with a special sort of zeal.

0:01:40.000,0:01:42.920
In 2009, that zeal brought me to Twitter.

0:01:43.560,0:01:45.976
Initially, the people[br]I encountered on the platform

0:01:46.000,0:01:48.216
were just as hostile as I expected.

0:01:48.240,0:01:50.736
They were the digital version[br]of the screaming hoards

0:01:50.760,0:01:53.416
I'd been seeing at protests[br]since I was a kid,

0:01:53.440,0:01:55.896
but in the midst of that digital brawl,

0:01:55.920,0:01:58.256
a strange pattern developed.

0:01:58.280,0:02:02.936
Someone would arrive at my profile[br]with the usual rage and scorn,

0:02:02.960,0:02:07.096
I would respond with a custom mix[br]of Bible verses, pop culture references

0:02:07.120,0:02:08.320
and smiley faces,

0:02:09.479,0:02:13.616
they would be understandably[br]confused and caught off guard,

0:02:13.640,0:02:15.520
but then a conversation would ensue.

0:02:16.120,0:02:17.376
And it was civil --

0:02:17.400,0:02:19.720
full of genuine curiosity on both sides.

0:02:20.360,0:02:24.120
How had the other come to such[br]outrageous conclusions about the world?

0:02:25.120,0:02:27.600
Sometimes the conversation[br]even bled into real life.

0:02:28.160,0:02:29.816
People I'd sparred with on Twitter

0:02:29.840,0:02:32.176
would come out[br]to the picket line to see me

0:02:32.200,0:02:33.680
when I protested in their city.

0:02:34.840,0:02:36.880
A man named David was one such person.

0:02:37.520,0:02:39.960
He ran a blog called "Jewlicious,"

0:02:40.800,0:02:43.896
and after several months[br]of heated but friendly arguments online,

0:02:43.920,0:02:46.320
he came out to see me[br]at a picket in New Orleans.

0:02:46.920,0:02:50.576
He brought me a Middle Eastern dessert[br]from Jerusalem, where he lives,

0:02:50.600,0:02:52.856
and I brought him kosher chocolate

0:02:52.880,0:02:54.936
and held a "God hates Jews" sign.

0:02:54.960,0:02:57.016
(Laughter)

0:02:57.040,0:02:59.096
There was no confusion[br]about our positions,

0:02:59.120,0:03:02.280
but the line between friend and foe[br]was becoming blurred.

0:03:02.800,0:03:05.056
We'd started to see each other[br]as human beings,

0:03:05.080,0:03:07.280
and it changed the way[br]we spoke to one another.

0:03:08.280,0:03:09.496
It took time,

0:03:09.520,0:03:12.560
but eventually these conversations[br]planted seeds of doubt in me.

0:03:13.080,0:03:16.736
My friends on Twitter took the time[br]to understand Westboro's doctrines,

0:03:16.760,0:03:17.976
and in doing so,

0:03:18.000,0:03:21.200
they were able to find inconsistencies[br]I'd missed my entire life.

0:03:22.120,0:03:25.016
Why did we advocate[br]the death penalty for gays

0:03:25.040,0:03:28.600
when Jesus said, "Let he who is[br]without sin cast the first stone?"

0:03:29.280,0:03:31.736
How could we claim to love our neighbor

0:03:31.760,0:03:34.360
while at the same time[br]praying for God to destroy them?

0:03:35.880,0:03:39.696
The truth is that the care shown to me[br]by these strangers on the Internet

0:03:39.720,0:03:41.440
was itself a contradiction.

0:03:42.200,0:03:43.456
It was growing evidence

0:03:43.480,0:03:46.960
that people on the other side were not[br]the demons I'd been led to believe.

0:03:48.200,0:03:50.200
These realizations were life-altering.

0:03:51.240,0:03:54.496
Once I saw that we were not[br]the ultimate arbiters of divine truth

0:03:54.520,0:03:56.296
but flawed human beings,

0:03:56.320,0:03:57.880
I couldn't pretend otherwise.

0:03:58.440,0:04:00.896
I couldn't justify our actions --

0:04:00.920,0:04:03.896
especially our cruel practice[br]of protesting funerals

0:04:03.920,0:04:05.600
and celebrating human tragedy.

0:04:07.520,0:04:08.976
These shifts in my perspective

0:04:09.000,0:04:12.096
contributed to a larger erosion[br]of trust in my church,

0:04:12.120,0:04:15.080
and eventually it made it[br]impossible for me to stay.

0:04:16.680,0:04:20.959
In spite of overwhelming grief and terror,[br]I left Westboro in 2012.

0:04:22.760,0:04:24.656
In those days just after I left,

0:04:24.680,0:04:27.680
the instinct to hide[br]was almost paralyzing.

0:04:28.240,0:04:30.576
I wanted to hide[br]from the judgement of my family,

0:04:30.600,0:04:32.816
who I knew would never[br]speak to me again --

0:04:32.840,0:04:35.760
people whose thoughts and opinions[br]had meant everything to me.

0:04:36.280,0:04:39.656
And I wanted to hide from the world[br]I'd rejected for so long --

0:04:39.680,0:04:42.416
people who had no reason at all[br]to give me a second chance

0:04:42.440,0:04:44.400
after a lifetime of antagonism.

0:04:45.600,0:04:47.176
And yet, unbelievably,

0:04:47.200,0:04:48.656
they did.

0:04:48.680,0:04:52.056
The world had access to my past[br]because it was all over the Internet --

0:04:52.080,0:04:54.456
thousands of tweets[br]and hundreds of interviews,

0:04:54.480,0:04:57.976
everything from local TV news[br]to "The Howard Stern Show" --

0:04:58.000,0:05:00.600
but so many embraced me[br]with open arms anyway.

0:05:01.800,0:05:03.896
I wrote an apology[br]for the harm I'd caused,

0:05:03.920,0:05:07.360
but I also knew that an apology[br]could never undo any of it.

0:05:07.960,0:05:10.216
All I could do was try to build a new life

0:05:10.240,0:05:13.640
and find a way somehow[br]to repair some of the damage.

0:05:14.560,0:05:16.936
People had every reason[br]to doubt my sincerity,

0:05:16.960,0:05:18.200
but most of them didn't.

0:05:18.880,0:05:20.080
And --

0:05:20.680,0:05:21.896
given my history,

0:05:21.920,0:05:23.856
it was more than I could've hoped for --

0:05:23.880,0:05:26.336
forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt.

0:05:26.360,0:05:27.600
It still amazes me.

0:05:28.520,0:05:31.080
I spent my first year away from home

0:05:32.480,0:05:34.176
adrift with my younger sister,

0:05:34.200,0:05:35.760
who had chosen to leave with me.

0:05:36.800,0:05:38.336
We walked into an abyss,

0:05:38.360,0:05:42.056
but we were shocked to find[br]the light and a way forward

0:05:42.080,0:05:44.680
in the same communities[br]we'd targeted for so long.

0:05:45.600,0:05:46.816
David,

0:05:46.840,0:05:48.736
my "Jewlicious" friend from Twitter,

0:05:48.760,0:05:52.496
invited us to spend time among[br]a Jewish community in Los Angeles.

0:05:52.520,0:05:55.736
We slept on couches in the home[br]of a Hasidic rabbi and his wife

0:05:55.760,0:05:56.960
and their four kids --

0:05:57.600,0:06:00.416
the same rabbi that I'd protested[br]three years earlier

0:06:00.440,0:06:02.640
with a sign that said,[br]"Your rabbi is a whore."

0:06:04.920,0:06:08.856
We spent long hours talking[br]about theology and Judaism and life

0:06:08.880,0:06:11.096
while we washed dishes[br]in their kosher kitchen

0:06:11.120,0:06:12.840
and chopped vegetables for dinner.

0:06:13.600,0:06:15.160
They treated us like family.

0:06:15.640,0:06:17.736
They held nothing against us,

0:06:17.760,0:06:19.600
and again I was astonished.

0:06:20.760,0:06:22.456
That period was full of turmoil,

0:06:22.480,0:06:24.776
but one part I've returned to often

0:06:24.800,0:06:27.680
is a surprising realization[br]I had during that time --

0:06:28.520,0:06:32.776
that it was a relief and a privilege[br]to let go of the harsh judgments

0:06:32.800,0:06:36.720
that instinctively ran through my mind[br]about nearly every person I saw.

0:06:37.680,0:06:40.400
I realized that now I needed to learn.

0:06:41.040,0:06:42.280
I needed to listen.

0:06:43.520,0:06:45.656
This has been at the front[br]of my mind lately,

0:06:45.680,0:06:48.616
because I can't help but see[br]in our public discourse

0:06:48.640,0:06:52.640
so many of the same destructive impulses[br]that ruled my former church.

0:06:53.560,0:06:57.496
We celebrate tolerance and diversity[br]more than at any other time in memory,

0:06:57.520,0:06:59.760
and still we grow more and more divided.

0:07:00.440,0:07:02.336
We want good things --

0:07:02.360,0:07:05.976
justice, equality,[br]freedom, dignity, prosperity --

0:07:06.000,0:07:07.296
but the path we've chosen

0:07:07.320,0:07:10.440
looks so much like the one[br]I walked away from four years ago.

0:07:11.360,0:07:14.496
We've broken the world into us and them,

0:07:14.520,0:07:16.576
only emerging from our bunkers long enough

0:07:16.600,0:07:18.840
to lob rhetorical grenades[br]at the other camp.

0:07:19.840,0:07:23.536
We write off half the country[br]as out-of-touch liberal elites,

0:07:23.560,0:07:25.720
or racist misogynist bullies.

0:07:26.200,0:07:29.600
No nuance, no complexity, no humanity.

0:07:30.480,0:07:34.296
Even when someone does call for empathy[br]and understanding for the other side,

0:07:34.320,0:07:36.216
the conversation nearly always devolves

0:07:36.240,0:07:38.480
into a debate about[br]who deserves more empathy.

0:07:39.720,0:07:41.216
And just as I learned to do,

0:07:41.240,0:07:44.776
we routinely refuse to acknowledge[br]the flaws in our positions

0:07:44.800,0:07:46.440
or the merits in our opponent's.

0:07:47.200,0:07:49.000
Compromise is anathema.

0:07:49.600,0:07:53.720
We even target people on our own side[br]when they dare to question the party line.

0:07:54.800,0:07:59.296
This path has brought us cruel,[br]sniping, deepening polarization,

0:07:59.320,0:08:00.920
and even outbreaks of violence.

0:08:01.560,0:08:03.616
I remember this path.

0:08:03.640,0:08:05.800
It will not take us where we want to go.

0:08:07.080,0:08:09.800
What gives me hope is that[br]we can do something about this.

0:08:10.560,0:08:12.200
The good news is that it's simple

0:08:12.840,0:08:14.600
and the bad news is that it's hard.

0:08:15.200,0:08:19.160
We have to talk and listen[br]to people we disagree with.

0:08:20.040,0:08:21.936
It's hard because we often can't fathom

0:08:21.960,0:08:24.000
how the other side[br]came to their positions.

0:08:24.800,0:08:27.376
It's hard because righteous indignation,

0:08:27.400,0:08:30.576
that sense of certainty[br]that ours is the right side,

0:08:30.600,0:08:32.159
is so seductive.

0:08:32.919,0:08:36.256
It's hard because it means[br]extending empathy and compassion

0:08:36.280,0:08:38.799
to people who show us[br]hostility and contempt.

0:08:39.600,0:08:42.559
The impulse to respond in kind[br]is so tempting,

0:08:43.360,0:08:45.296
but that isn't who we want to be.

0:08:45.320,0:08:46.976
We can resist.

0:08:47.000,0:08:51.456
And I will always be inspired to do so[br]by those people I encountered on Twitter,

0:08:51.480,0:08:55.176
apparent enemies[br]who became my beloved friends.

0:08:55.200,0:08:58.616
And in the case of one particularly[br]understanding and generous guy,

0:08:58.640,0:08:59.840
my husband.

0:09:00.800,0:09:03.640
There was nothing special[br]about the way I responded to him.

0:09:04.960,0:09:07.200
What was special was their approach.

0:09:08.080,0:09:10.656
I thought about it a lot[br]over the past few years

0:09:10.680,0:09:13.536
and I found four things[br]they did differently

0:09:13.560,0:09:15.640
that made real conversation possible.

0:09:17.000,0:09:19.336
These four steps were small but powerful,

0:09:19.360,0:09:23.120
and I do everything I can to employ them[br]in difficult conversations today.

0:09:24.240,0:09:27.440
The first is don't assume bad intent.

0:09:28.240,0:09:29.696
My friends on Twitter realized

0:09:29.720,0:09:32.656
that even when my words[br]were aggressive and offensive,

0:09:32.680,0:09:35.576
I sincerely believed[br]I was doing the right thing.

0:09:35.600,0:09:38.576
Assuming ill motives[br]almost instantly cuts us off

0:09:38.600,0:09:42.896
from truly understanding[br]why someone does and believes as they do.

0:09:42.920,0:09:44.656
We forget that they're a human being

0:09:44.680,0:09:47.656
with a lifetime of experience[br]that shaped their mind,

0:09:47.680,0:09:50.376
and we get stuck[br]on that first wave of anger,

0:09:50.400,0:09:54.000
and the conversation has a very hard time[br]ever moving beyond it.

0:09:54.800,0:09:57.456
But when we assume good or neutral intent,

0:09:57.480,0:10:00.480
we give our minds a much stronger[br]framework for dialogue.

0:10:02.160,0:10:05.000
The second is ask questions.

0:10:05.760,0:10:08.336
When we engage people[br]across ideological divides,

0:10:08.360,0:10:10.816
asking questions[br]helps us map the disconnect

0:10:10.840,0:10:12.640
between our differing points of view.

0:10:13.200,0:10:16.096
That's important because[br]we can't present effective arguments

0:10:16.120,0:10:19.480
if we don't understand where[br]the other side is actually coming from

0:10:20.320,0:10:24.440
and because it gives them an opportunity[br]to point out flaws in our positions.

0:10:25.080,0:10:27.536
But asking questions[br]serves another purpose;

0:10:27.560,0:10:30.040
it signals to someone[br]that they're being heard.

0:10:30.760,0:10:32.896
When my friends on Twitter[br]stopped accusing

0:10:32.920,0:10:34.696
and started asking questions,

0:10:34.720,0:10:36.960
I almost automatically mirrored them.

0:10:37.760,0:10:39.616
Their questions gave me room to speak,

0:10:39.640,0:10:43.016
but they also gave me permission[br]to ask them questions

0:10:43.040,0:10:45.200
and to truly hear their responses.

0:10:45.880,0:10:48.680
It fundamentally changed[br]the dynamic of our conversation.

0:10:50.320,0:10:52.120
The third is stay calm.

0:10:53.000,0:10:54.816
This takes practice and patience,

0:10:54.840,0:10:56.160
but it's powerful.

0:10:56.720,0:11:01.016
At Westboro, I learned not to care[br]how my manner of speaking affected others.

0:11:01.040,0:11:04.096
I thought my rightness[br]justified my rudeness --

0:11:04.120,0:11:07.856
harsh tones, raised voices,[br]insults, interruptions --

0:11:07.880,0:11:10.320
but that strategy[br]is ultimately counterproductive.

0:11:10.960,0:11:14.736
Dialing up the volume and the snark[br]is natural in stressful situations,

0:11:14.760,0:11:19.760
but it tends to bring the conversation[br]to an unsatisfactory, explosive end.

0:11:20.600,0:11:23.856
When my husband was still[br]just an anonymous Twitter acquaintance,

0:11:23.880,0:11:26.736
our discussions frequently[br]became hard and pointed,

0:11:26.760,0:11:28.720
but we always refused to escalate.

0:11:29.360,0:11:31.296
Instead, he would change the subject.

0:11:31.320,0:11:33.536
He would tell a joke or recommend a book,

0:11:33.560,0:11:36.760
or gently excuse himself[br]from the conversation.

0:11:37.560,0:11:39.416
We knew the discussion wasn't over,

0:11:39.440,0:11:42.760
just paused for a time[br]to bring us back to an even keel.

0:11:43.600,0:11:46.776
People often lament that digital[br]communication makes us less civil,

0:11:46.800,0:11:51.040
but this is one advantage that online[br]conversations have over in-person ones.

0:11:51.680,0:11:54.296
We have a buffer of time and space

0:11:54.320,0:11:57.640
between us and the people[br]whose ideas we find so frustrating.

0:11:58.280,0:12:00.336
We can use that buffer.

0:12:00.360,0:12:04.056
Instead of lashing out,[br]we can pause, breathe,

0:12:04.080,0:12:06.256
change the subject or walk away,

0:12:06.280,0:12:08.720
and then come back to it when we're ready.

0:12:10.200,0:12:11.400
And finally ...

0:12:12.760,0:12:13.960
make the argument.

0:12:16.120,0:12:17.416
This might seem obvious,

0:12:17.440,0:12:20.016
but one side effect[br]of having strong beliefs

0:12:20.040,0:12:21.656
is that we sometimes assume

0:12:21.680,0:12:26.776
that the value of our position[br]is or should be obvious and self-evident,

0:12:26.800,0:12:29.016
that we shouldn't[br]have to defend our positions

0:12:29.040,0:12:32.136
because they're so clearly right and good

0:12:32.160,0:12:34.736
that if someone doesn't get it,[br]it's their problem --

0:12:34.760,0:12:36.680
that it's not my job to educate them.

0:12:37.560,0:12:38.896
But if it were that simple,

0:12:38.920,0:12:40.720
we would all see things the same way.

0:12:41.360,0:12:43.816
As kind as my friends on Twitter were,

0:12:43.840,0:12:46.216
if they hadn't actually[br]made their arguments,

0:12:46.240,0:12:49.800
it would've been so much harder for me[br]to see the world in a different way.

0:12:50.960,0:12:53.376
We are all a product of our upbringing,

0:12:53.400,0:12:55.920
and our beliefs reflect our experiences.

0:12:56.560,0:13:00.080
We can't expect others[br]to spontaneously change their own minds.

0:13:00.560,0:13:01.976
If we want change,

0:13:02.000,0:13:03.720
we have to make the case for it.

0:13:05.160,0:13:09.216
My friends on Twitter didn't abandon[br]their beliefs or their principles --

0:13:09.240,0:13:10.440
only their scorn.

0:13:11.240,0:13:14.856
They channeled their[br]infinitely justifiable offense

0:13:14.880,0:13:19.000
and came to me with pointed questions[br]tempered with kindness and humor.

0:13:19.880,0:13:21.976
They approached me as a human being,

0:13:22.000,0:13:23.576
and that was more transformative

0:13:23.600,0:13:27.840
than two full decades[br]of outrage, disdain and violence.

0:13:28.760,0:13:32.536
I know that some might not have[br]the time or the energy or the patience

0:13:32.560,0:13:33.816
for extensive engagement,

0:13:33.840,0:13:35.896
but as difficult as it can be,

0:13:35.920,0:13:38.416
reaching out to someone we disagree with

0:13:38.440,0:13:40.720
is an option that is[br]available to all of us.

0:13:41.280,0:13:45.096
And I sincerely believe[br]that we can do hard things,

0:13:45.120,0:13:47.760
not just for them[br]but for us and our future.

0:13:48.480,0:13:50.976
Escalating disgust[br]and intractable conflict

0:13:51.000,0:13:53.136
are not what we want for ourselves,

0:13:53.160,0:13:54.416
or our country,

0:13:54.440,0:13:55.640
or our next generation.

0:13:57.520,0:14:01.816
My mom said something to me[br]a few weeks before I left Westboro,

0:14:01.840,0:14:03.256
when I was desperately hoping

0:14:03.280,0:14:05.360
there was a way[br]I could stay with my family.

0:14:06.920,0:14:09.296
People I have loved[br]with every pulse of my heart

0:14:09.320,0:14:12.656
since even before I was[br]that chubby-cheeked five-year-old,

0:14:12.680,0:14:15.360
standing on a picket line[br]holding a sign I couldn't read.

0:14:16.160,0:14:18.816
She said, "You're just a human being,

0:14:18.840,0:14:20.520
my dear sweet child."

0:14:21.760,0:14:24.016
She was asking me to be humble --

0:14:24.040,0:14:27.160
not to question[br]but to trust God and my elders.

0:14:27.960,0:14:31.496
But to me, she was missing[br]the bigger picture --

0:14:31.520,0:14:33.480
that we're all just human beings.

0:14:34.120,0:14:37.056
That we should be guided[br]by that most basic fact,

0:14:37.080,0:14:40.296
and approach one another[br]with generosity and compassion.

0:14:40.320,0:14:42.616
Each one of us[br]contributes to the communities

0:14:42.640,0:14:45.200
and the cultures and the societies[br]that we make up.

0:14:46.000,0:14:50.656
The end of this spiral of rage and blame[br]begins with one person

0:14:50.680,0:14:55.440
who refuses to indulge[br]these destructive, seductive impulses.

0:14:55.920,0:14:58.936
We just have to decide[br]that it's going to start with us.

0:14:58.960,0:15:00.176
Thank you.

0:15:00.200,0:15:02.480
(Applause)