[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.13,0:00:03.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was a blue-eyed,\Nchubby-cheeked five-year-old
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.92,0:00:06.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I joined my family\Non the picket line for the first time.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.02,0:00:10.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mom made me leave\Nmy dolls in the minivan.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.00,0:00:14.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd stand on a street corner\Nin the heavy Kansas humidity
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.30,0:00:16.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,surrounded by a few dozen relatives
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.82,0:00:20.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with my tiny fists clutching\Na sign that I couldn't read yet:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.79,0:00:23.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Gays are worthy of death."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.33,0:00:24.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This was the beginning.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.16,0:00:27.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our protests soon became\Na daily occurrence
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.44,0:00:29.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and an international phenomenon,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.51,0:00:31.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and as a member\Nof Westboro Baptist Church,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.91,0:00:34.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became a fixture on picket lines\Nacross the country.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.20,0:00:37.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The end of my anti-gay picketing career,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.64,0:00:39.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and life as I knew it,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.01,0:00:40.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,came 20 years later,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.70,0:00:43.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,triggered in part by strangers on Twitter
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.28,0:00:46.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who showed me the power\Nof engaging the other.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.34,0:00:48.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In my home,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.34,0:00:51.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,life was framed as an epic spiritual\Nbattle between good and evil.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.35,0:00:55.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The good was my church and its members,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.03,0:00:57.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the evil was everyone else.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.01,0:01:02.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My church's antics were such that we\Nwere constantly at odds with the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.10,0:01:05.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that reinforced our\Notherness on a daily basis.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.86,0:01:08.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Make a difference between\Nthe unclean and the clean,"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.64,0:01:09.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the verse says,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.97,0:01:11.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so we did.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.29,0:01:13.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,From baseball games to military funerals,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.41,0:01:17.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we trekked across the country\Nwith neon protest signs in hand
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.32,0:01:20.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to tell others exactly\Nhow unclean they were
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.20,0:01:23.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and exactly why they were\Nheaded for damnation.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.65,0:01:26.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This was the focus of our whole lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.69,0:01:31.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This was the only way for me to do good\Nin a world that sits in satan's lap.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.50,0:01:33.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And like the rest of my 10 siblings,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.77,0:01:36.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I believed what I was taught\Nwith all my heart,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.13,0:01:39.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I pursued Westboro's agenda\Nwith a special sort of zeal.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.09,0:01:43.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In 2009, that zeal brought me to Twitter.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.72,0:01:46.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Initially, the people\NI encountered on the platform
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.11,0:01:48.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were just as hostile as I expected.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.38,0:01:50.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were the digital version\Nof the screaming hoards
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.94,0:01:53.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd been seeing at protests\Nsince I was a kid,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.74,0:01:56.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but in the midst of that digital brawl,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.31,0:01:58.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a strange pattern developed.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.49,0:02:03.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Someone would arrive at my profile\Nwith the usual rage and scorn,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.23,0:02:07.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would respond with a custom mix\Nof bible verses, pop culture references
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.43,0:02:09.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and smiley faces,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.80,0:02:13.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they would be understandably\Nconfused and caught off guard,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.87,0:02:16.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but then a conversation would ensue,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.48,0:02:17.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was civil --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.59,0:02:20.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,full of genuine curiosity on both sides.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.57,0:02:24.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How had the other come to such\Noutrageous conclusions about the world?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.30,0:02:27.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes the conversation\Neven bled into real life.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.37,0:02:32.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People I'd sparred with on Twitter would\Ncome out to the picket line to see me
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.38,0:02:34.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I protested in their city.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.92,0:02:37.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A man named David was one such person.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.77,0:02:41.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He ran a blog called "Jewlicious,"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.03,0:02:44.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and after several months of heated\Nbut friendly arguments online,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.18,0:02:46.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he came out to see me\Nat a picket in New Orleans.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.04,0:02:49.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He brought me a Middle Eastern\Ndessert from Jerusalem,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.68,0:02:50.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where he lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.88,0:02:53.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I brought him Kosher chocolate,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.27,0:02:55.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and held a "God hates Jews" sign.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.51,0:02:56.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.22,0:02:59.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was no confusion\Nabout our positions,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.22,0:03:02.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the line between friend\Nand foe was becoming blurred.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.96,0:03:05.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We'd started to see each other\Nas human beings,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.47,0:03:07.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it changed the way\Nwe spoke to one another.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.45,0:03:09.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It took time,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.45,0:03:12.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but eventually these conversations\Nplanted seeds of doubt in me.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.32,0:03:16.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My friends on Twitter took the time\Nto understand Westboro's doctrines,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.98,0:03:17.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in doing so,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.98,0:03:21.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they were able to find inconsistencies\NI'd missed my entire life.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.31,0:03:25.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why did we advocate\Nthe death penalty for gays
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.42,0:03:29.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when Jesus said, "Let he who is without\Nsin cast the first stone?"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.58,0:03:32.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How could we claim to love our neighbor
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.10,0:03:35.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while at the same time praying\Nfor god to destroy them?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.03,0:03:40.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The truth is that the care shown to me\Nby these strangers on the Internet
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.04,0:03:42.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was itself a contradiction.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.31,0:03:43.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was growing evidence
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.64,0:03:47.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that people on the other side were not\Nthe demons I'd been led to believe.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.29,0:03:50.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These realizations were life-altering.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.43,0:03:54.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Once I saw that we were not\Nthe ultimate arbiters of divine truth
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.83,0:03:56.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but flawed human beings,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.67,0:03:58.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't pretend otherwise.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.61,0:04:01.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I couldn't justify our actions --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.36,0:04:04.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially our cruel practice\Nof protesting funerals,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.25,0:04:06.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and celebrating human tragedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.62,0:04:09.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These shifts in my perspective
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.28,0:04:12.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,contributed to a larger erosion\Nof my trust in my church,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.56,0:04:15.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and eventually it made it\Nimpossible for me to stay.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.81,0:04:19.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In spite of overwhelming grief and terror,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.36,0:04:21.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I left Westboro in 2012.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.91,0:04:25.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In those days just after I left,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.05,0:04:27.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the instinct to hide\Nwas almost paralyzing.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.46,0:04:30.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to hide from\Nthe judgement of my family,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.94,0:04:33.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who I knew would never\Nspeak to me again --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.25,0:04:36.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people whose thoughts and opinions\Nhad meant everything to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.46,0:04:39.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I wanted to hide from the world\NI'd rejected for so long --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.85,0:04:42.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people who had no reason at all\Nto give me a second chance
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.72,0:04:45.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after a lifetime of antagonism,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.73,0:04:46.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.73,0:04:47.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,unbelievably,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.73,0:04:48.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they did.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.99,0:04:52.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The world had access to my past\Nbecause it was all over the Internet --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.41,0:04:54.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,thousands of tweets\Nand hundreds of interviews,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.91,0:04:58.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everything from local TV news\Nto The Howard Stern Show --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.40,0:05:01.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but so many embraced me\Nwith open arms anyway.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.01,0:05:04.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wrote an apology\Nfor the harm I'd caused,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.24,0:05:07.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I also knew that an apology\Ncould never undo any of it.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.07,0:05:10.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All I could do was\Ntry to build a new life,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.64,0:05:14.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and find a way somehow\Nto repair some of the damage.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.71,0:05:17.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People had every reason\Nto doubt my sincerity,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.31,0:05:18.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but most of them didn't.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.08,0:05:21.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And given my history,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.93,0:05:24.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was more than I could've hoped for --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.17,0:05:26.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.54,0:05:28.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It still amazes me.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.76,0:05:34.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent my first year away from home\Nadrift with my younger sister,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.54,0:05:36.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who had chosen to leave with me.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.91,0:05:38.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We walked into an abyss,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.72,0:05:42.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we were shocked to find\Nthe light and a way forward
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.41,0:05:45.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the same communities\Nwe'd targeted for so long.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.63,0:05:46.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,David,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.63,0:05:49.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my "Jewlicious" friend from Twitter,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.18,0:05:52.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,invited us to spend time among\Na Jewish community in Los Angeles.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.74,0:05:56.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We slept on couches in the home\Nof a Hasidic rabbi and his wife
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.07,0:05:57.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and their four kids --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.74,0:06:00.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the same rabbi that I'd protested\Nthree years earlier
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.64,0:06:01.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a sign that said,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.82,0:06:03.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Your rabbi is a whore."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.18,0:06:09.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We spent long hours talking about\Ntheology and Judaism and life
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.24,0:06:11.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while we washed dishes\Nin their kosher kitchen,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.55,0:06:13.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and chopped vegetables for dinner.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.83,0:06:15.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They treated us like family.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.87,0:06:18.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They held nothing against us,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.06,0:06:20.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and again I was astonished.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.89,0:06:22.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That period was full of turmoil,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.78,0:06:25.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but one part I've returned to often
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.29,0:06:28.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is a surprising realization\NI had during that time --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.81,0:06:33.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it was a relief and a privilege\Nto let go of the harsh judgments
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.03,0:06:37.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that instinctively ran through my mind\Nabout nearly every person I saw.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.86,0:06:40.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realized that now I needed to learn.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.23,0:06:42.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I needed to listen.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.65,0:06:45.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This has been at the front\Nof my mind lately,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.89,0:06:48.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I can't help but see\Nin our public discourse
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.95,0:06:53.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so many of the same destructive impulses\Nthat ruled my former church.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.66,0:06:57.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We celebrate tolerance and diversity\Nmore than at any other time in memory,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.87,0:07:00.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and still we grow more and more divided.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.61,0:07:02.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We want good things --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.82,0:07:06.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,justice, equality, freedom,\Ndignity, prosperity --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.38,0:07:07.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the path we've chosen
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.78,0:07:10.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,looks so much like the one I walked\Naway from four years ago.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.62,0:07:14.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We've broken the world into us and them,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.79,0:07:16.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,only emerging from our bunkers long enough
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.81,0:07:19.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to lob rhetorical grenades\Nat the other camp.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.01,0:07:23.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We write off half the country as\Nout-of-touch liberal elites,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.90,0:07:26.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or racist misogynist bullies.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.38,0:07:29.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No nuance, no complexity, no humanity.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.56,0:07:34.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even when someone does call for empathy\Nand understanding for the other side,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.52,0:07:36.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the conversation nearly always devolves
Dialogue: 0,0:07:36.40,0:07:39.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into a debate about who\Ndeserves more empathy.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.80,0:07:41.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And just as I learned to do,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.54,0:07:45.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we routinely refuse to acknowledge\Nthe flaws in our positions
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.12,0:07:47.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or the merits in our opponent's.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.45,0:07:49.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Compromise is anathema.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.85,0:07:54.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We even target people on our own side\Nwhen they dare to question the party line.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.08,0:07:59.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This path has brought us cruel,\Nsniping, deepening polarization,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.63,0:08:01.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and even outbreaks of violence.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.82,0:08:03.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I remember this path.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.92,0:08:06.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It will not take us where we want to go.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.35,0:08:10.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What gives me hope is that we\Ncan do something about this.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.77,0:08:13.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The good news is that it's simple,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.01,0:08:15.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the bad news is that it's hard.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.50,0:08:19.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have to talk and listen\Nto people we disagree with.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.28,0:08:22.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's hard because we often can't fathom
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.26,0:08:24.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how the other side\Ncame to their positions.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.13,0:08:27.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's hard because righteous indignation,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.76,0:08:30.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that sense of certainty\Nthat ours is the right side,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.96,0:08:32.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is so seductive.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.11,0:08:36.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's hard because it means extending\Nempathy and compassion
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.49,0:08:39.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to people who show us\Nhostility and contempt.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.84,0:08:43.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The impulse to respond\Nin kind is so tempting,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.62,0:08:45.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that isn't who we want to be.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.74,0:08:47.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can resist.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.44,0:08:51.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I will always be inspired to do so\Nby those people I encountered on Twitter,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.90,0:08:55.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,apparent enemies who became\Nmy beloved friends.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.45,0:08:58.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in the case of one particularly\Nunderstanding and generous guy,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.99,0:09:00.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my husband.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.06,0:09:04.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was nothing special\Nabout the way I responded to him.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.16,0:09:07.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was special was their approach.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.31,0:09:11.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought about it a lot\Nover the past few years,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:11.09,0:09:13.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I found four things\Nthey did differently
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.96,0:09:16.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that made real conversation possible.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.18,0:09:19.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These four steps were small but powerful,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.88,0:09:23.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I do everything I can to employ them\Nin difficult conversations today.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.48,0:09:28.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first is don't assume bad intent.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.35,0:09:29.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My friends on Twitter realized
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.85,0:09:32.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that even when my words\Nwere aggressive and offensive,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.88,0:09:35.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I sincerely believed\NI was doing the right thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.94,0:09:39.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Assuming ill motives\Nalmost instantly cuts us off
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.04,0:09:42.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from truly understanding why\Nsomeone does and believes as they do.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.06,0:09:46.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We forget that they're a human being\Nwith a lifetime of experience
Dialogue: 0,0:09:46.47,0:09:48.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that shaped their mind,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.02,0:09:50.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we get stuck\Non that first wave of anger
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.70,0:09:54.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the conversation has a very hard time\Never moving beyond it.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.00,0:09:57.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But when we assume good or neutral inent,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.90,0:10:01.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we give our minds a much stronger\Nframework for dialogue.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.40,0:10:05.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second is ask questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.95,0:10:08.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we engage people across\Nidealogical divides,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.78,0:10:11.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,asking questions helps us\Nmap the disconnect
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.21,0:10:13.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between our differing points of view.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.48,0:10:16.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's important because we can't\Npresent effective arguments
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.38,0:10:20.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we don't understand where\Nthe other side is actually coming from,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.41,0:10:24.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and because it gives them an opportunity\Nto point out flaws in our positions.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.18,0:10:27.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But asking questions\Nserves another purpose;
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.98,0:10:31.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it signals to someone\Nthat they're being heard.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.17,0:10:33.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When my friends on Twitter\Nstopped accusing
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.33,0:10:34.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and started asking questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.93,0:10:37.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I almost automatically mirrored them.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.09,0:10:39.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Their questions gave me room to speak,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.100,0:10:43.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they also gave me permission\Nto ask them questions
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.39,0:10:45.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to truly hear their responses.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.04,0:10:49.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It fundamentally changed\Nthe dynamic of our conversation.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.49,0:10:52.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The third is stay calm.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.23,0:10:55.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This takes practice and patience,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.13,0:10:56.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's powerful.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.98,0:11:01.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At Westboro, I learned not to care\Nhow my manner of speaking effected others.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.24,0:11:04.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought my rightness\Njustified my rudeness --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.51,0:11:08.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,harsh tones, raised voices,\Ninsults, interruptions --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.19,0:11:11.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that strategy is ultimately\Ncounterproductive.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.30,0:11:15.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Dialing up the volume and the snark\Nis natural in stressful situations,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:15.19,0:11:20.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it tends to bring the conversation\Nto an unsatisfactory explosive end.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:20.79,0:11:24.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When my husband was still just\Nan anonymous Twitter acquaintance,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.16,0:11:27.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our discussions frequently\Nbecame hard and pointed,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.07,0:11:29.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we always refused to escalate.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.50,0:11:31.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, he would change the subject.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:31.70,0:11:33.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He would tell a joke or recommend a book,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.97,0:11:37.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or gently excuse himself\Nfrom the conversation.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.72,0:11:39.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We knew the discussion wasn't over,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.81,0:11:43.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just paused for a time\Nto bring us back to an even keel.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.84,0:11:46.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People often lament that digital\Ncommunication makes us less civil,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.98,0:11:51.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but this is one advantage that online\Nconversations have over in-person ones.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.92,0:11:54.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a buffer of time and space
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.66,0:11:58.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between us and the people\Nwhose ideas we find so frustrating.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.64,0:12:00.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can use that buffer.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:00.55,0:12:01.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead of lashing out,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.71,0:12:04.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we can pause, breathe,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.41,0:12:06.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,change the subject or walk away,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.60,0:12:09.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then come back to it when we're ready.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.47,0:12:12.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And finally ...
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.91,0:12:14.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,make the argument.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.34,0:12:17.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This might seem obvious,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.77,0:12:20.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but one side effect\Nof having strong beliefs
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.29,0:12:21.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that we sometimes assume
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.98,0:12:27.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the value of our position is\Nor should be obvious and self-evident,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.11,0:12:29.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we shouldn't have to\Ndefend our positions
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.29,0:12:33.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they're so clearly right and good\Nthat if someone doesn't get it,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.68,0:12:35.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's their problem --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.22,0:12:37.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it's not my job to educate them.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.80,0:12:39.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if it were that simple,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:39.10,0:12:41.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we would all see things the same way.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:41.54,0:12:44.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As kind as my friends on Twitter were,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.19,0:12:46.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if they hadn't actually\Nmade their arguments,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.60,0:12:50.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it would've been so much harder for me\Nto see the world in a different way.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:51.09,0:12:53.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are all a product of our upbringing,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.85,0:12:56.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our beliefs reflect our experiences.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.86,0:13:00.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can't expect others to spontaneously\Nchange their own minds.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.72,0:13:02.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we want change,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.33,0:13:04.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we have to make the case for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.41,0:13:09.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My friends on Twitter didn't abandon\Ntheir beliefs or their principles --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:09.58,0:13:11.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,only their scorn.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.53,0:13:15.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They channeled their infinitely\Njustifiable offense,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.18,0:13:19.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and came to me with pointed questions\Ntempered with kindness and humor.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.07,0:13:22.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They approached me as a human being,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.23,0:13:23.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that was more transformative
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.85,0:13:28.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than two full decades of outrage,\Ndisdain and violence.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.28,0:13:32.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that some might not have\Nthe time or the energy or the patience
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.90,0:13:34.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for extensive engagement,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.22,0:13:36.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but as difficult as it can be,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.28,0:13:38.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,reaching out to someone we disagree with
Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.78,0:13:41.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is an option that is\Navailable to all of us.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.48,0:13:45.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I sincerely believe\Nthat we can do hard things,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.43,0:13:48.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not just for them\Nbut for us and our future.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.77,0:13:51.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Escalating disgust\Nand intractable conflict
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.27,0:13:53.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are not what we want for ourselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.43,0:13:54.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or our country,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.47,0:13:56.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or our next generation.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.65,0:14:02.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mom said something to me\Na few weeks before I left Westboro,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.03,0:14:06.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I was desperately hoping there\Nwas a way I could stay with my family.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.18,0:14:09.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People I have loved\Nwith every pulse of my heart
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.68,0:14:13.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,since even before I was\Nthat chubby-cheeked five-year-old,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:13.19,0:14:15.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,standing on a picket line holding\Na sign I couldn't read.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.45,0:14:19.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "You're just human being,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.20,0:14:21.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my dear sweet child."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.13,0:14:24.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was asking me to be humble --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.40,0:14:27.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not to question but to trust\Ngod and my elders.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:28.17,0:14:31.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But to me, she was missing\Nthe bigger picture --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.89,0:14:33.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we're all just human beings.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:34.39,0:14:37.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That we should be guided by\Nthat most basic fact,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.36,0:14:40.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and approach one another\Nwith generosity and compassion.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.74,0:14:42.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Each one of us contributes\Nto the communities
Dialogue: 0,0:14:42.87,0:14:45.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the cultures and the societies\Nthat we make up.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:46.22,0:14:51.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The end of this spiral of rage and blame\Nbegins with one person
Dialogue: 0,0:14:51.04,0:14:55.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who refuses to indulge\Nthese destructive, seductive impulses.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:56.03,0:14:58.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We just have to decide\Nthat it's going to start with us.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:59.08,0:15:00.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.76,0:15:03.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)