0:00:01.126,0:00:03.921
I was a blue-eyed,[br]chubby-cheeked five-year-old

0:00:03.921,0:00:06.873
when I joined my family[br]on the picket line for the first time.

0:00:08.019,0:00:10.518
My mom made me leave[br]my dolls in the minivan.

0:00:11.003,0:00:14.300
I'd stand on a street corner[br]in the heavy Kansas humidity

0:00:14.300,0:00:16.815
surrounded by a few dozen relatives

0:00:16.815,0:00:20.789
with my tiny fists clutching[br]a sign that I couldn't read yet:

0:00:20.789,0:00:23.083
"Gays are worthy of death."

0:00:23.334,0:00:24.898
This was the beginning.

0:00:25.161,0:00:27.441
Our protests soon became[br]a daily occurrence

0:00:27.441,0:00:29.511
and an international phenomenon,

0:00:29.511,0:00:31.912
and as a member[br]of Westboro Baptist Church,

0:00:31.912,0:00:34.899
I became a fixture on picket lines[br]across the country.

0:00:35.204,0:00:37.640
The end of my anti-gay picketing career,

0:00:37.640,0:00:39.009
and life as I knew it,

0:00:39.009,0:00:40.702
came 20 years later,

0:00:40.702,0:00:43.277
triggered in part by strangers on Twitter

0:00:43.277,0:00:46.413
who showed me the power[br]of engaging the other.

0:00:47.342,0:00:48.345
In my home,

0:00:48.345,0:00:51.935
life was framed as an epic spiritual[br]battle between good and evil.

0:00:52.352,0:00:55.030
The good was my church and its members,

0:00:55.030,0:00:57.274
and the evil was everyone else.

0:00:58.011,0:01:02.103
My church's antics were such that we[br]were constantly at odds with the world,

0:01:02.103,0:01:05.231
and that reinforced our[br]otherness on a daily basis.

0:01:05.856,0:01:08.636
"Make a difference between[br]the unclean and the clean,"

0:01:08.636,0:01:09.968
the verse says,

0:01:09.968,0:01:11.287
and so we did.

0:01:11.287,0:01:13.413
From baseball games to military funerals,

0:01:13.413,0:01:17.317
we trekked across the country[br]with neon protest signs in hand

0:01:17.317,0:01:20.203
to tell others exactly[br]how unclean they were

0:01:20.203,0:01:23.362
and exactly why they were[br]headed for damnation.

0:01:23.646,0:01:26.411
This was the focus of our whole lives.

0:01:26.691,0:01:31.105
This was the only way for me to do good[br]in a world that sits in satan's lap.

0:01:31.497,0:01:33.771
And like the rest of my 10 siblings,

0:01:33.771,0:01:36.129
I believed what I was taught[br]with all my heart,

0:01:36.129,0:01:39.455
and I pursued Westboro's agenda[br]with a special sort of zeal.

0:01:40.094,0:01:43.095
In 2009, that zeal brought me to Twitter.

0:01:43.723,0:01:46.112
Initially, the people[br]I encountered on the platform

0:01:46.112,0:01:48.382
were just as hostile as I expected.

0:01:48.382,0:01:50.941
They were the digital version[br]of the screaming hoards

0:01:50.941,0:01:53.745
I'd been seeing at protests[br]since I was a kid,

0:01:53.745,0:01:56.309
but in the midst of that digital brawl,

0:01:56.309,0:01:58.110
a strange pattern developed.

0:01:58.490,0:02:03.228
Someone would arrive at my profile[br]with the usual rage and scorn,

0:02:03.228,0:02:07.429
I would respond with a custom mix[br]of bible verses, pop culture references

0:02:07.429,0:02:09.800
and smiley faces,

0:02:09.800,0:02:13.872
they would be understandably[br]confused and caught off guard,

0:02:13.872,0:02:16.480
but then a conversation would ensue,

0:02:16.480,0:02:17.592
and it was civil --

0:02:17.592,0:02:20.253
full of genuine curiosity on both sides.

0:02:20.570,0:02:24.772
How had the other come to such[br]outrageous conclusions about the world?

0:02:25.299,0:02:27.829
Sometimes the conversation[br]even bled into real life.

0:02:28.367,0:02:32.375
People I'd sparred with on Twitter would[br]come out to the picket line to see me

0:02:32.375,0:02:34.324
when I protested in their city.

0:02:34.915,0:02:37.766
A man named David was one such person.

0:02:37.766,0:02:41.030
He ran a blog called "Jewlicious,"

0:02:41.030,0:02:44.179
and after several months of heated[br]but friendly arguments online,

0:02:44.179,0:02:46.814
he came out to see me[br]at a picket in New Orleans.

0:02:47.040,0:02:49.676
He brought me a Middle Eastern[br]dessert from Jerusalem,

0:02:49.676,0:02:50.882
where he lives,

0:02:50.882,0:02:53.271
and I brought him Kosher chocolate,

0:02:53.271,0:02:55.506
and held a "God hates Jews" sign.

0:02:55.506,0:02:56.514
(Laughter)

0:02:57.216,0:02:59.222
There was no confusion[br]about our positions,

0:02:59.222,0:03:02.625
but the line between friend[br]and foe was becoming blurred.

0:03:02.964,0:03:05.468
We'd started to see each other[br]as human beings,

0:03:05.468,0:03:07.810
and it changed the way[br]we spoke to one another.

0:03:08.454,0:03:09.453
It took time,

0:03:09.453,0:03:12.914
but eventually these conversations[br]planted seeds of doubt in me.

0:03:13.320,0:03:16.976
My friends on Twitter took the time[br]to understand Westboro's doctrines,

0:03:16.976,0:03:17.979
and in doing so,

0:03:17.979,0:03:21.472
they were able to find inconsistencies[br]I'd missed my entire life.

0:03:22.309,0:03:25.423
Why did we advocate[br]the death penalty for gays

0:03:25.423,0:03:29.582
when Jesus said, "Let he who is without[br]sin cast the first stone?"

0:03:29.582,0:03:32.102
How could we claim to love our neighbor

0:03:32.102,0:03:35.062
while at the same time praying[br]for god to destroy them?

0:03:36.031,0:03:40.045
The truth is that the care shown to me[br]by these strangers on the Internet

0:03:40.045,0:03:42.098
was itself a contradiction.

0:03:42.314,0:03:43.645
It was growing evidence

0:03:43.645,0:03:47.380
that people on the other side were not[br]the demons I'd been led to believe.

0:03:48.288,0:03:50.721
These realizations were life-altering.

0:03:51.428,0:03:54.830
Once I saw that we were not[br]the ultimate arbiters of divine truth

0:03:54.830,0:03:56.670
but flawed human beings,

0:03:56.670,0:03:58.393
I couldn't pretend otherwise.

0:03:58.613,0:04:01.361
I couldn't justify our actions --

0:04:01.361,0:04:04.254
especially our cruel practice[br]of protesting funerals,

0:04:04.254,0:04:06.617
and celebrating human tragedy.

0:04:07.625,0:04:09.282
These shifts in my perspective

0:04:09.282,0:04:12.555
contributed to a larger erosion[br]of my trust in my church,

0:04:12.555,0:04:15.890
and eventually it made it[br]impossible for me to stay.

0:04:16.806,0:04:19.361
In spite of overwhelming grief and terror,

0:04:19.361,0:04:21.563
I left Westboro in 2012.

0:04:22.907,0:04:25.053
In those days just after I left,

0:04:25.053,0:04:27.977
the instinct to hide[br]was almost paralyzing.

0:04:28.455,0:04:30.944
I wanted to hide from[br]the judgement of my family,

0:04:30.944,0:04:33.246
who I knew would never[br]speak to me again --

0:04:33.246,0:04:36.229
people whose thoughts and opinions[br]had meant everything to me.

0:04:36.458,0:04:39.851
And I wanted to hide from the world[br]I'd rejected for so long --

0:04:39.851,0:04:42.724
people who had no reason at all[br]to give me a second chance

0:04:42.724,0:04:45.734
after a lifetime of antagonism,

0:04:45.734,0:04:46.730
and yet,

0:04:46.730,0:04:47.731
unbelievably,

0:04:47.731,0:04:48.988
they did.

0:04:48.988,0:04:52.408
The world had access to my past[br]because it was all over the Internet --

0:04:52.408,0:04:54.908
thousands of tweets[br]and hundreds of interviews,

0:04:54.908,0:04:58.400
everything from local TV news[br]to The Howard Stern Show --

0:04:58.400,0:05:01.344
but so many embraced me[br]with open arms anyway.

0:05:02.012,0:05:04.238
I wrote an apology[br]for the harm I'd caused,

0:05:04.238,0:05:07.724
but I also knew that an apology[br]could never undo any of it.

0:05:08.067,0:05:10.638
All I could do was[br]try to build a new life,

0:05:10.638,0:05:14.226
and find a way somehow[br]to repair some of the damage.

0:05:14.708,0:05:17.310
People had every reason[br]to doubt my sincerity,

0:05:17.310,0:05:18.765
but most of them didn't.

0:05:19.075,0:05:21.929
And given my history,

0:05:21.929,0:05:24.173
it was more than I could've hoped for --

0:05:24.173,0:05:26.535
forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt.

0:05:26.535,0:05:28.215
It still amazes me.

0:05:28.757,0:05:34.535
I spent my first year away from home[br]adrift with my younger sister,

0:05:34.535,0:05:36.639
who had chosen to leave with me.

0:05:36.914,0:05:38.723
We walked into an abyss,

0:05:38.723,0:05:42.409
but we were shocked to find[br]the light and a way forward

0:05:42.409,0:05:45.257
in the same communities[br]we'd targeted for so long.

0:05:45.633,0:05:46.626
David,

0:05:46.626,0:05:49.177
my "Jewlicious" friend from Twitter,

0:05:49.177,0:05:52.218
invited us to spend time among[br]a Jewish community in Los Angeles.

0:05:52.735,0:05:56.070
We slept on couches in the home[br]of a Hasidic rabbi and his wife

0:05:56.070,0:05:57.743
and their four kids --

0:05:57.743,0:06:00.638
the same rabbi that I'd protested[br]three years earlier

0:06:00.638,0:06:01.817
with a sign that said,

0:06:01.817,0:06:03.885
"Your rabbi is a whore."

0:06:05.181,0:06:09.244
We spent long hours talking about[br]theology and Judaism and life

0:06:09.244,0:06:11.547
while we washed dishes[br]in their kosher kitchen,

0:06:11.547,0:06:13.544
and chopped vegetables for dinner.

0:06:13.834,0:06:15.868
They treated us like family.

0:06:15.868,0:06:18.058
They held nothing against us,

0:06:18.061,0:06:20.482
and again I was astonished.

0:06:20.890,0:06:22.775
That period was full of turmoil,

0:06:22.775,0:06:25.294
but one part I've returned to often

0:06:25.294,0:06:28.813
is a surprising realization[br]I had during that time --

0:06:28.813,0:06:33.033
that it was a relief and a privilege[br]to let go of the harsh judgments

0:06:33.033,0:06:37.290
that instinctively ran through my mind[br]about nearly every person I saw.

0:06:37.856,0:06:40.840
I realized that now I needed to learn.

0:06:41.230,0:06:42.939
I needed to listen.

0:06:43.648,0:06:45.892
This has been at the front[br]of my mind lately,

0:06:45.892,0:06:48.947
because I can't help but see[br]in our public discourse

0:06:48.947,0:06:53.104
so many of the same destructive impulses[br]that ruled my former church.

0:06:53.665,0:06:57.874
We celebrate tolerance and diversity[br]more than at any other time in memory,

0:06:57.874,0:07:00.144
and still we grow more and more divided.

0:07:00.610,0:07:02.817
We want good things --

0:07:02.817,0:07:06.378
justice, equality, freedom,[br]dignity, prosperity --

0:07:06.378,0:07:07.775
but the path we've chosen

0:07:07.775,0:07:10.865
looks so much like the one I walked[br]away from four years ago.

0:07:11.619,0:07:14.787
We've broken the world into us and them,

0:07:14.787,0:07:16.812
only emerging from our bunkers long enough

0:07:16.812,0:07:19.678
to lob rhetorical grenades[br]at the other camp.

0:07:20.014,0:07:23.902
We write off half the country as[br]out-of-touch liberal elites,

0:07:23.902,0:07:26.377
or racist misogynist bullies.

0:07:26.377,0:07:29.790
No nuance, no complexity, no humanity.

0:07:30.555,0:07:34.524
Even when someone does call for empathy[br]and understanding for the other side,

0:07:34.524,0:07:36.398
the conversation nearly always devolves

0:07:36.398,0:07:39.419
into a debate about who[br]deserves more empathy.

0:07:39.804,0:07:41.544
And just as I learned to do,

0:07:41.544,0:07:45.121
we routinely refuse to acknowledge[br]the flaws in our positions

0:07:45.121,0:07:47.010
or the merits in our opponent's.

0:07:47.451,0:07:49.852
Compromise is anathema.

0:07:49.852,0:07:54.574
We even target people on our own side[br]when they dare to question the party line.

0:07:55.082,0:07:59.632
This path has brought us cruel,[br]sniping, deepening polarization,

0:07:59.632,0:08:01.817
and even outbreaks of violence.

0:08:01.817,0:08:03.923
I remember this path.

0:08:03.923,0:08:06.729
It will not take us where we want to go.

0:08:07.354,0:08:10.767
What gives me hope is that we[br]can do something about this.

0:08:10.767,0:08:13.014
The good news is that it's simple,

0:08:13.014,0:08:15.503
and the bad news is that it's hard.

0:08:15.503,0:08:19.124
We have to talk and listen[br]to people we disagree with.

0:08:20.285,0:08:22.256
It's hard because we often can't fathom

0:08:22.256,0:08:24.767
how the other side[br]came to their positions.

0:08:25.133,0:08:27.765
It's hard because righteous indignation,

0:08:27.765,0:08:30.959
that sense of certainty[br]that ours is the right side,

0:08:30.959,0:08:32.786
is so seductive.

0:08:33.114,0:08:36.489
It's hard because it means extending[br]empathy and compassion

0:08:36.489,0:08:39.413
to people who show us[br]hostility and contempt.

0:08:39.841,0:08:43.619
The impulse to respond[br]in kind is so tempting,

0:08:43.619,0:08:45.742
but that isn't who we want to be.

0:08:45.742,0:08:47.436
We can resist.

0:08:47.436,0:08:51.904
And I will always be inspired to do so[br]by those people I encountered on Twitter,

0:08:51.904,0:08:55.168
apparent enemies who became[br]my beloved friends.

0:08:55.451,0:08:58.986
And in the case of one particularly[br]understanding and generous guy,

0:08:58.986,0:09:00.603
my husband.

0:09:01.055,0:09:04.249
There was nothing special[br]about the way I responded to him.

0:09:05.163,0:09:07.749
What was special was their approach.

0:09:08.310,0:09:11.093
I thought about it a lot[br]over the past few years,

0:09:11.093,0:09:13.965
and I found four things[br]they did differently

0:09:13.965,0:09:16.506
that made real conversation possible.

0:09:17.184,0:09:19.875
These four steps were small but powerful,

0:09:19.875,0:09:23.761
and I do everything I can to employ them[br]in difficult conversations today.

0:09:24.484,0:09:28.348
The first is don't assume bad intent.

0:09:28.348,0:09:29.848
My friends on Twitter realized

0:09:29.848,0:09:32.879
that even when my words[br]were aggressive and offensive,

0:09:32.879,0:09:35.503
I sincerely believed[br]I was doing the right thing.

0:09:35.936,0:09:39.042
Assuming ill motives[br]almost instantly cuts us off

0:09:39.042,0:09:42.798
from truly understanding why[br]someone does and believes as they do.

0:09:43.064,0:09:46.469
We forget that they're a human being[br]with a lifetime of experience

0:09:46.469,0:09:48.019
that shaped their mind,

0:09:48.019,0:09:50.698
and we get stuck[br]on that first wave of anger

0:09:50.698,0:09:54.562
and the conversation has a very hard time[br]ever moving beyond it.

0:09:55.003,0:09:57.901
But when we assume good or neutral inent,

0:09:57.901,0:10:01.233
we give our minds a much stronger[br]framework for dialogue.

0:10:02.404,0:10:05.601
The second is ask questions.

0:10:05.946,0:10:08.784
When we engage people across[br]idealogical divides,

0:10:08.784,0:10:11.212
asking questions helps us[br]map the disconnect

0:10:11.212,0:10:13.229
between our differing points of view.

0:10:13.480,0:10:16.380
That's important because we can't[br]present effective arguments

0:10:16.380,0:10:20.407
if we don't understand where[br]the other side is actually coming from,

0:10:20.407,0:10:24.669
and because it gives them an opportunity[br]to point out flaws in our positions.

0:10:25.183,0:10:27.982
But asking questions[br]serves another purpose;

0:10:27.982,0:10:31.170
it signals to someone[br]that they're being heard.

0:10:31.170,0:10:33.332
When my friends on Twitter[br]stopped accusing

0:10:33.332,0:10:34.931
and started asking questions,

0:10:34.931,0:10:37.741
I almost automatically mirrored them.

0:10:38.088,0:10:39.996
Their questions gave me room to speak,

0:10:39.996,0:10:43.393
but they also gave me permission[br]to ask them questions

0:10:43.393,0:10:45.669
and to truly hear their responses.

0:10:46.039,0:10:49.428
It fundamentally changed[br]the dynamic of our conversation.

0:10:50.488,0:10:52.869
The third is stay calm.

0:10:53.227,0:10:55.130
This takes practice and patience,

0:10:55.130,0:10:56.576
but it's powerful.

0:10:56.981,0:11:01.244
At Westboro, I learned not to care[br]how my manner of speaking effected others.

0:11:01.244,0:11:04.513
I thought my rightness[br]justified my rudeness --

0:11:04.513,0:11:08.194
harsh tones, raised voices,[br]insults, interruptions --

0:11:08.194,0:11:11.305
but that strategy is ultimately[br]counterproductive.

0:11:11.305,0:11:15.189
Dialing up the volume and the snark[br]is natural in stressful situations,

0:11:15.189,0:11:20.198
but it tends to bring the conversation[br]to an unsatisfactory explosive end.

0:11:20.793,0:11:24.157
When my husband was still just[br]an anonymous Twitter acquaintance,

0:11:24.157,0:11:27.067
our discussions frequently[br]became hard and pointed,

0:11:27.067,0:11:29.118
but we always refused to escalate.

0:11:29.502,0:11:31.698
Instead, he would change the subject.

0:11:31.698,0:11:33.971
He would tell a joke or recommend a book,

0:11:33.971,0:11:37.367
or gently excuse himself[br]from the conversation.

0:11:37.722,0:11:39.807
We knew the discussion wasn't over,

0:11:39.807,0:11:43.500
just paused for a time[br]to bring us back to an even keel.

0:11:43.843,0:11:46.982
People often lament that digital[br]communication makes us less civil,

0:11:46.982,0:11:51.525
but this is one advantage that online[br]conversations have over in-person ones.

0:11:51.920,0:11:54.659
We have a buffer of time and space

0:11:54.659,0:11:58.339
between us and the people[br]whose ideas we find so frustrating.

0:11:58.638,0:12:00.272
We can use that buffer.

0:12:00.546,0:12:01.707
Instead of lashing out,

0:12:01.707,0:12:04.407
we can pause, breathe,

0:12:04.407,0:12:06.599
change the subject or walk away,

0:12:06.599,0:12:09.649
and then come back to it when we're ready.

0:12:10.467,0:12:12.913
And finally ...

0:12:12.913,0:12:14.817
make the argument.

0:12:16.335,0:12:17.766
This might seem obvious,

0:12:17.766,0:12:20.289
but one side effect[br]of having strong beliefs

0:12:20.289,0:12:21.985
is that we sometimes assume

0:12:21.985,0:12:27.111
that the value of our position is[br]or should be obvious and self-evident,

0:12:27.111,0:12:29.291
that we shouldn't have to[br]defend our positions

0:12:29.291,0:12:33.684
because they're so clearly right and good[br]that if someone doesn't get it,

0:12:33.684,0:12:35.216
it's their problem --

0:12:35.216,0:12:37.518
that it's not my job to educate them.

0:12:37.802,0:12:39.098
But if it were that simple,

0:12:39.098,0:12:41.280
we would all see things the same way.

0:12:41.537,0:12:44.190
As kind as my friends on Twitter were,

0:12:44.190,0:12:46.604
if they hadn't actually[br]made their arguments,

0:12:46.604,0:12:50.177
it would've been so much harder for me[br]to see the world in a different way.

0:12:51.094,0:12:53.852
We are all a product of our upbringing,

0:12:53.852,0:12:56.597
and our beliefs reflect our experiences.

0:12:56.859,0:13:00.501
We can't expect others to spontaneously[br]change their own minds.

0:13:00.718,0:13:02.326
If we want change,

0:13:02.326,0:13:04.639
we have to make the case for it.

0:13:05.408,0:13:09.585
My friends on Twitter didn't abandon[br]their beliefs or their principles --

0:13:09.585,0:13:11.135
only their scorn.

0:13:11.533,0:13:15.181
They channeled their infinitely[br]justifiable offense,

0:13:15.181,0:13:19.519
and came to me with pointed questions[br]tempered with kindness and humor.

0:13:20.067,0:13:22.234
They approached me as a human being,

0:13:22.234,0:13:23.848
and that was more transformative

0:13:23.848,0:13:28.192
than two full decades of outrage,[br]disdain and violence.

0:13:29.282,0:13:32.898
I know that some might not have[br]the time or the energy or the patience

0:13:32.898,0:13:34.224
for extensive engagement,

0:13:34.224,0:13:36.284
but as difficult as it can be,

0:13:36.284,0:13:38.776
reaching out to someone we disagree with

0:13:38.776,0:13:41.485
is an option that is[br]available to all of us.

0:13:41.485,0:13:45.427
And I sincerely believe[br]that we can do hard things,

0:13:45.427,0:13:48.246
not just for them[br]but for us and our future.

0:13:48.767,0:13:51.268
Escalating disgust[br]and intractable conflict

0:13:51.268,0:13:53.434
are not what we want for ourselves,

0:13:53.434,0:13:54.474
or our country,

0:13:54.474,0:13:56.404
or our next generation.

0:13:57.654,0:14:02.029
My mom said something to me[br]a few weeks before I left Westboro,

0:14:02.029,0:14:06.540
when I was desperately hoping there[br]was a way I could stay with my family.

0:14:07.179,0:14:09.676
People I have loved[br]with every pulse of my heart

0:14:09.676,0:14:13.186
since even before I was[br]that chubby-cheeked five-year-old,

0:14:13.186,0:14:15.981
standing on a picket line holding[br]a sign I couldn't read.

0:14:16.449,0:14:19.199
She said, "You're just human being,

0:14:19.199,0:14:21.216
my dear sweet child."

0:14:22.134,0:14:24.403
She was asking me to be humble --

0:14:24.403,0:14:27.610
not to question but to trust[br]god and my elders.

0:14:28.168,0:14:31.893
But to me, she was missing[br]the bigger picture --

0:14:31.893,0:14:33.606
that we're all just human beings.

0:14:34.386,0:14:37.361
That we should be guided by[br]that most basic fact,

0:14:37.361,0:14:40.436
and approach one another[br]with generosity and compassion.

0:14:40.741,0:14:42.866
Each one of us contributes[br]to the communities

0:14:42.866,0:14:45.762
and the cultures and the societies[br]that we make up.

0:14:46.225,0:14:51.044
The end of this spiral of rage and blame[br]begins with one person

0:14:51.044,0:14:55.488
who refuses to indulge[br]these destructive, seductive impulses.

0:14:56.027,0:14:58.696
We just have to decide[br]that it's going to start with us.

0:14:59.078,0:15:00.490
Thank you.

0:15:00.762,0:15:03.102
(Applause)