WEBVTT 00:00:01.126 --> 00:00:03.921 I was a blue-eyed, chubby-cheeked five-year-old 00:00:03.921 --> 00:00:06.873 when I joined my family on the picket line for the first time. 00:00:08.019 --> 00:00:10.518 My mom made me leave my dolls in the minivan. 00:00:11.003 --> 00:00:14.300 I'd stand on a street corner in the heavy Kansas humidity 00:00:14.300 --> 00:00:16.815 surrounded by a few dozen relatives 00:00:16.815 --> 00:00:20.789 with my tiny fists clutching a sign that I couldn't read yet: 00:00:20.789 --> 00:00:23.083 "Gays are worthy of death." 00:00:23.334 --> 00:00:24.898 This was the beginning. 00:00:25.161 --> 00:00:27.441 Our protests soon became a daily occurrence 00:00:27.441 --> 00:00:29.511 and an international phenomenon, 00:00:29.511 --> 00:00:31.912 and as a member of Westboro Baptist Church, 00:00:31.912 --> 00:00:34.899 I became a fixture on picket lines across the country. 00:00:35.204 --> 00:00:37.640 The end of my anti-gay picketing career, 00:00:37.640 --> 00:00:39.009 and life as I knew it, 00:00:39.009 --> 00:00:40.702 came 20 years later, 00:00:40.702 --> 00:00:43.277 triggered in part by strangers on Twitter 00:00:43.277 --> 00:00:46.413 who showed me the power of engaging the other. 00:00:47.342 --> 00:00:48.345 In my home, 00:00:48.345 --> 00:00:51.935 life was framed as an epic spiritual battle between good and evil. 00:00:52.352 --> 00:00:55.030 The good was my church and its members, 00:00:55.030 --> 00:00:57.274 and the evil was everyone else. 00:00:58.011 --> 00:01:02.103 My church's antics were such that we were constantly at odds with the world, 00:01:02.103 --> 00:01:05.231 and that reinforced our otherness on a daily basis. 00:01:05.856 --> 00:01:08.636 "Make a difference between the unclean and the clean," 00:01:08.636 --> 00:01:09.968 the verse says, 00:01:09.968 --> 00:01:11.287 and so we did. 00:01:11.287 --> 00:01:13.413 From baseball games to military funerals, 00:01:13.413 --> 00:01:17.317 we trekked across the country with neon protest signs in hand 00:01:17.317 --> 00:01:20.203 to tell others exactly how unclean they were 00:01:20.203 --> 00:01:23.362 and exactly why they were headed for damnation. 00:01:23.646 --> 00:01:26.411 This was the focus of our whole lives. 00:01:26.691 --> 00:01:31.105 This was the only way for me to do good in a world that sits in satan's lap. 00:01:31.497 --> 00:01:33.771 And like the rest of my 10 siblings, 00:01:33.771 --> 00:01:36.129 I believed what I was taught with all my heart, 00:01:36.129 --> 00:01:39.455 and I pursued Westboro's agenda with a special sort of zeal. 00:01:40.094 --> 00:01:43.095 In 2009, that zeal brought me to Twitter. 00:01:43.723 --> 00:01:46.112 Initially, the people I encountered on the platform 00:01:46.112 --> 00:01:48.382 were just as hostile as I expected. 00:01:48.382 --> 00:01:50.941 They were the digital version of the screaming hoards 00:01:50.941 --> 00:01:53.745 I'd been seeing at protests since I was a kid, 00:01:53.745 --> 00:01:56.309 but in the midst of that digital brawl, 00:01:56.309 --> 00:01:58.110 a strange pattern developed. 00:01:58.490 --> 00:02:03.228 Someone would arrive at my profile with the usual rage and scorn, 00:02:03.228 --> 00:02:07.429 I would respond with a custom mix of bible verses, pop culture references 00:02:07.429 --> 00:02:09.800 and smiley faces, 00:02:09.800 --> 00:02:13.872 they would be understandably confused and caught off guard, 00:02:13.872 --> 00:02:16.480 but then a conversation would ensue, 00:02:16.480 --> 00:02:17.592 and it was civil -- 00:02:17.592 --> 00:02:20.253 full of genuine curiosity on both sides. 00:02:20.570 --> 00:02:24.772 How had the other come to such outrageous conclusions about the world? 00:02:25.299 --> 00:02:27.829 Sometimes the conversation even bled into real life. 00:02:28.367 --> 00:02:32.375 People I'd sparred with on Twitter would come out to the picket line to see me 00:02:32.375 --> 00:02:34.324 when I protested in their city. 00:02:34.915 --> 00:02:37.766 A man named David was one such person. 00:02:37.766 --> 00:02:41.030 He ran a blog called "Jewlicious," 00:02:41.030 --> 00:02:44.179 and after several months of heated but friendly arguments online, 00:02:44.179 --> 00:02:46.814 he came out to see me at a picket in New Orleans. 00:02:47.040 --> 00:02:49.676 He brought me a Middle Eastern dessert from Jerusalem, 00:02:49.676 --> 00:02:50.882 where he lives, 00:02:50.882 --> 00:02:53.271 and I brought him Kosher chocolate, 00:02:53.271 --> 00:02:55.506 and held a "God hates Jews" sign. 00:02:55.506 --> 00:02:56.514 (Laughter) 00:02:57.216 --> 00:02:59.222 There was no confusion about our positions, 00:02:59.222 --> 00:03:02.625 but the line between friend and foe was becoming blurred. 00:03:02.964 --> 00:03:05.468 We'd started to see each other as human beings, 00:03:05.468 --> 00:03:07.810 and it changed the way we spoke to one another. 00:03:08.454 --> 00:03:09.453 It took time, 00:03:09.453 --> 00:03:12.914 but eventually these conversations planted seeds of doubt in me. 00:03:13.320 --> 00:03:16.976 My friends on Twitter took the time to understand Westboro's doctrines, 00:03:16.976 --> 00:03:17.979 and in doing so, 00:03:17.979 --> 00:03:21.472 they were able to find inconsistencies I'd missed my entire life. 00:03:22.309 --> 00:03:25.423 Why did we advocate the death penalty for gays 00:03:25.423 --> 00:03:29.582 when Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?" 00:03:29.582 --> 00:03:32.102 How could we claim to love our neighbor 00:03:32.102 --> 00:03:35.062 while at the same time praying for god to destroy them? 00:03:36.031 --> 00:03:40.045 The truth is that the care shown to me by these strangers on the Internet 00:03:40.045 --> 00:03:42.098 was itself a contradiction. 00:03:42.314 --> 00:03:43.645 It was growing evidence 00:03:43.645 --> 00:03:47.380 that people on the other side were not the demons I'd been led to believe. 00:03:48.288 --> 00:03:50.721 These realizations were life-altering. 00:03:51.428 --> 00:03:54.830 Once I saw that we were not the ultimate arbiters of divine truth 00:03:54.830 --> 00:03:56.670 but flawed human beings, 00:03:56.670 --> 00:03:58.393 I couldn't pretend otherwise. 00:03:58.613 --> 00:04:01.361 I couldn't justify our actions -- 00:04:01.361 --> 00:04:04.254 especially our cruel practice of protesting funerals, 00:04:04.254 --> 00:04:06.617 and celebrating human tragedy. 00:04:07.625 --> 00:04:09.282 These shifts in my perspective 00:04:09.282 --> 00:04:12.555 contributed to a larger erosion of my trust in my church, 00:04:12.555 --> 00:04:15.890 and eventually it made it impossible for me to stay. 00:04:16.806 --> 00:04:19.361 In spite of overwhelming grief and terror, 00:04:19.361 --> 00:04:21.563 I left Westboro in 2012. 00:04:22.907 --> 00:04:25.053 In those days just after I left, 00:04:25.053 --> 00:04:27.977 the instinct to hide was almost paralyzing. 00:04:28.455 --> 00:04:30.944 I wanted to hide from the judgement of my family, 00:04:30.944 --> 00:04:33.246 who I knew would never speak to me again -- 00:04:33.246 --> 00:04:36.229 people whose thoughts and opinions had meant everything to me. 00:04:36.458 --> 00:04:39.851 And I wanted to hide from the world I'd rejected for so long -- 00:04:39.851 --> 00:04:42.724 people who had no reason at all to give me a second chance 00:04:42.724 --> 00:04:45.734 after a lifetime of antagonism, 00:04:45.734 --> 00:04:46.730 and yet, 00:04:46.730 --> 00:04:47.731 unbelievably, 00:04:47.731 --> 00:04:48.988 they did. 00:04:48.988 --> 00:04:52.408 The world had access to my past because it was all over the Internet -- 00:04:52.408 --> 00:04:54.908 thousands of tweets and hundreds of interviews, 00:04:54.908 --> 00:04:58.400 everything from local TV news to The Howard Stern Show -- 00:04:58.400 --> 00:05:01.344 but so many embraced me with open arms anyway. 00:05:02.012 --> 00:05:04.238 I wrote an apology for the harm I'd caused, 00:05:04.238 --> 00:05:07.724 but I also knew that an apology could never undo any of it. 00:05:08.067 --> 00:05:10.638 All I could do was try to build a new life, 00:05:10.638 --> 00:05:14.226 and find a way somehow to repair some of the damage. 00:05:14.708 --> 00:05:17.310 People had every reason to doubt my sincerity, 00:05:17.310 --> 00:05:18.765 but most of them didn't. 00:05:19.075 --> 00:05:21.929 And given my history, 00:05:21.929 --> 00:05:24.173 it was more than I could've hoped for -- 00:05:24.173 --> 00:05:26.535 forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt. 00:05:26.535 --> 00:05:28.215 It still amazes me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I spent my first year away from home adrift with my younger sister, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who had chosen to leave with me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We walked into an abyss, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but we were shocked to find the light and a way forward 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in the same communities we'd targeted for so long. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 David, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 my "Jewlicious" friend from Twitter, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 invited us to spend time among a Jewish community in Los Angeles. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We slept on couches in the home of a Hasidic Rabbi, his wife 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and their four kids. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The same rabbi that I'd protested three years earlier 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 with a sign that said, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Your Rabbi is a whore." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (Laughter) 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We spent long hours talking about theology and Judaism and life 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 while we washed dishes in their Kosher kitchen, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and chopped vegetables for dinner. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They treated us like family. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They held nothing against us. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And again I was astonished. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That period was full of turmoil, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but one part I've returned to often 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is a surprising realization I had during that time -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that it was a relief and a privilege to let go of the harsh judgements 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that instinctively ran through my mind about nearly every person I saw. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I realized that now I needed to learn. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I needed to listen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This has been at the front of my mind lately 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 because I can't help but see in our public discourse 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so many of the same destructive impulses that ruled my former church. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We celebrate tolerance and diversity more than at any other time in memory, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and still we grow more and more divided. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We want good things -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 justice, equality, freedom, dignity, prosperity -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but the path we've chosen 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 looks so much like the one I walked away from four years ago. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We've broken the world into us and them, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 only emerging from our bunkers long enough 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to lob rhetorical grenades at the other camp. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We write off half the country as out-of-touch liberal elites, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 or racist misogynist bullies. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No nuance, no complexity, no humanity. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Even when someone does call for empathy and understanding for the other side, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the conversation nearly always devolves 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 into a debate about who deserves more empathy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And just as I learned to do, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we routinely refuse to acknowledge the flaws in our positions 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 or the merits in our opponents. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Compromise is an anathema. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We even target people on our own side when they dare to question the party line. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This path has brought us cruel, sniping, deepening polarization 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and even outbreaks of violence. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I remember this path. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It will not take us where we want to go. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What gives me hope is that we can do something about this. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The good news is that it's simple, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the bad news is that it's hard. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We have to talk and listen to people we disagree with. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's hard because we often can't fathom 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 how the other side came to their positions. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's hard because righteous indignation, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that sense of certainty that ours is the right side 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is so seductive. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's hard because it means extending empathy and compassion 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to people who show us hostility and contempt. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The impulse to respond in kind is so tempting. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But that isn't who we want to be. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We can resist. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I will always be inspired to do so by those people I encountered on Twitter, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 apparent enemies who became my beloved friends. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And in the case of one particularly understanding and generous guy, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 my husband. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There was nothing special about the way I responded to him. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What was special was their approach. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I thought about it a lot over the past few years, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I found four things they did differently 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that made real conversation possible. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 These four steps were small but powerful, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and I do everything I can to employ them in difficult conversations today. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The first is don't assume bad intent. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My friends on Twitter realized 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that even when my words were aggressive and offensive, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I sincerely believed I was doing the right thing. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Assuming ill motives almost instantly cuts us off 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 from truly understanding why someone does and believes as they do. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We forget that they're a human being with a lifetime of experience 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that shaped their mind, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and we get stuck on that first wave of anger 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the conversation has a very hard time ever moving beyond it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But when we assume good or neutral inent, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we give our minds a much stronger framework for dialogue. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The second is ask questions. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When we engage people across idealogical divides, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 asking questions helps us map the disconnect 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 between our differing points of view. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's important because we can't present effective arguments 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 if we don't understand where the other side is actually coming from. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And because it gives them an opportunity to point out flaws in our positions. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But asking questions serves another purpose; 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it signals to someone that they're being heard. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When my friends on Twitter stopped accusing 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and started asking questions, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I almost automatically mirrored them. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Their questions gave me room to speak, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but they also gave me permission to ask them questions 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and to truly hear their responses. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It fundamentally changed the dynamic of our conversation. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The third is stay calm. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This takes practice and patience, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but it's powerful. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 At Westboro I learned not to care how my manner of speaking effected others. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I thought my rightness justified my rudeness -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 harsh tones, raised voices, insults, interruptions -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but that strategy's ultimately counterproductive. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Dialing up the volume and the snark is natural in stressful situations, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but it tends to bring the conversation to an unsatisfactory, explosive end. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When my husband was still just an anonymous Twitter acquaintance, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 our discussions frequently became hard and pointed, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but we always refused to escalate. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Instead, he would change the subject. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He would tell a joke or recommend a book, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 or gently excuse himself from the conversation. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We knew the discussion wasn't over, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 just paused for a time to bring us back to an even keel. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 People often lament that digital communication makes us less civil, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but this is one advantage that online conversations have over in-person ones. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We have a buffer of time and space 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 between us and the people whose ideas we find so frustrating. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We can use that buffer. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Instead of lashing out we can pause, breathe, change the subject, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 or walk away, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then come back to it when we're ready. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And finally: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 make the argument. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This might seem obvious, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but one side effect of having strong beliefs 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is that we sometimes assume 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that the value of our position is or should be obvious and self-evident, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that we shouldn't have to defend our positions 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 because they're so clearly right and good that if someone doesn't get it, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it's their problem -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that it's not my job to educate them. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But if it were that simple, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we would all see things the same way. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As kind as my friends on Twitter were, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 if they hadn't actually made their arguments, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it would've been so much harder for me to see the world in a different way. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We are all a product of our upbringing, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and our beliefs reflect our experiences. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We can't expect others to spontaneously change their own minds. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If we want change, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 we have to make the case for it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My friends on Twitter didn't abandon their beliefs or their principles -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 only their scorn. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They channeled their infinitely justifiable offense, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and came to me with pointed questions tempered with kindness and humor. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They approached me as a human being, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and that was more transformative 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 than two full decades of outrage, disdain and violence. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I know that someone might not have the time or the energy or the patience 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for extensive engagement, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 but as difficult as it can be, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 reaching out to someone we disagree with 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is an option that is available to all of us. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I sincerely believe that we can do hard things, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 not just for them but for us and our future. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Escalating disgust and intractable conflict 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 are not what we want for ourselves, or our country or our next generation. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My mom said something to me a few weeks before I left Westboro, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 when I was desperately hoping there was a way I could stay with my family. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 People I have loved with every pulse of my heart 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 since even before I was that chubby-cheeked five-year-old, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 standing on a picket line holding a sign I couldn't read. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She said, "You're just human being, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 my dear sweet child." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She was asking me to be humble. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Not to question but to trust god and my elders. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But to me she was missing the bigger picture -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that we're all just human beings. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That we should be guided by that most basic fact, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and approach one another with generosity and compassion. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Each one of us contributes to the communities 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and the cultures and the societies that we make up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The end of this spiral of rage and blame begins with one person 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who refuses to indulge these destructive seductive impulses. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We just have to decide that it's going to start with us. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thank you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 (Applause)