[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.28,0:00:13.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I'd like to talk about today\Nis making kids.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.88,0:00:17.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now it's not what you might\Nbe thinking about, this is a family show.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.80,0:00:23.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rather what I would like to talk about\Nare those amazing, adorable,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.63,0:00:27.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and sometimes incredible irritating traits
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.92,0:00:32.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we call 'temperament'\Nor 'personality'.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.88,0:00:38.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some kids are very quickly brought\Nto feel anxious or angry,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.04,0:00:42.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while other kids seem almost unflappable.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.38,0:00:47.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some kids love to be surrounded by noise,\Nand people, and activity,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.95,0:00:53.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while others prefer some quiet,\Nmaybe even some solitude.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.60,0:00:58.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some kids wear their emotions\Non their sleeves,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.00,0:01:03.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while for others you can't even\Nfigure out how they are feeling sometimes.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.74,0:01:07.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where do these temperamental\Ntraits come from?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.28,0:01:10.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what, if anything,\Nshould we do about them?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.61,0:01:14.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,From twin studies, we know
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.30,0:01:19.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that about 50-60% of child temperament\Ncomes from our genes.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.62,0:01:24.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That sounds like a lot. That is a lot.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.49,0:01:28.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,However that still leaves a lot of room\Nfor other influences.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.54,0:01:32.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Such as the environment.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.27,0:01:35.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For a long time, there was a debate\Nthat went back and forth
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.21,0:01:41.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about whether it was nature or nurture\Nthat determined behaviour.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.54,0:01:45.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, for the most part,\Nthat debate is over.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.93,0:01:48.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I can tell you that the answer\Nto the question
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.60,0:01:52.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of whether it is nature\Nor nurture is "Yes."
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.86,0:01:55.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.42,0:01:57.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The story doesn't end there.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.94,0:02:00.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you talk to parents,\Nmany of them marvel
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.54,0:02:04.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about how unbelievably\Ndifferent their kids are.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.31,0:02:10.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They'll say, "I don't get it. They had\Nthe same mom, they had the same dad,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.15,0:02:13.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they were raised in the same house,\Nand I did the same thing,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.97,0:02:17.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my kids are nothing alike."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.39,0:02:19.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Many times that is true.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.28,0:02:24.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The question about whether we really do\Nparent our kids the same way
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.74,0:02:26.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is an interesting one.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.62,0:02:32.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you ask most parents, they say, "Yes,\Nwe did pretty much the same thing."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.04,0:02:35.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You ask the kids on the other hand,\Nand they will generally tell you
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.75,0:02:39.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they were parented completely differently.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.12,0:02:43.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you actually do observational studies\Nof parents and kids together,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.74,0:02:46.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you will often find something in between.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.40,0:02:49.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But things get even more complicated.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.98,0:02:52.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a term that geneticists call
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.23,0:02:57.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"evocative gene environment correlations"
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.34,0:02:59.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's a mouthful.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.30,0:03:01.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What it means when it comes\Nto child development
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.92,0:03:06.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that the environment that a child is in\Nis not some random event
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.79,0:03:09.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that just descends upon them,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.02,0:03:15.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but is associated or correlated with,\Ngenetically influenced behaviour.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.71,0:03:19.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That still sounds\Na little technical, I know.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.68,0:03:21.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would like to argue that this is
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.34,0:03:24.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a very important\Nand very practical concept.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.98,0:03:30.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For this Vermont crowd, I thought\Nof a metaphor that I think could work.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.24,0:03:34.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is that kids,\Njust like big mountains,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.24,0:03:38.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have the ability to create\Ntheir own weather.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.93,0:03:42.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Think about a child who was\Ntemperamentally happy,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.74,0:03:44.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and outgoing, and warm.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.80,0:03:50.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And think about how the universe\Ntends to respond to those traits. Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.54,0:03:54.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those are the kids\Nthat make parents look like stars.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.55,0:03:58.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What about the child\Nwho is a little bit more anxious?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:58.77,0:04:00.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or a little bit more irritable?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.80,0:04:05.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How does the world often respond to that?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.04,0:04:11.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Very often it's with more anxiety,\Nor more irritability.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.16,0:04:15.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then those traits can become larger.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.19,0:04:19.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then the snowball starts to grow,\Nand it starts to move downhill
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.78,0:04:24.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what starts as small temperamental\Ndifferences can then grow
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.54,0:04:27.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into sometimes, full-fledged disorders.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.15,0:04:30.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What do we do about that?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.94,0:04:34.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We could blame the parents, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.98,0:04:39.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Psychiatry did that for a while,\Nand it wasn't great idea, in my opinion.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.66,0:04:42.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We could blame the kids,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.80,0:04:47.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we could focus all of our energies\Non fixing those 'bad' behaviors.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.97,0:04:53.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or we could use this new knowledge\Nto see if we could figure out strategies
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.53,0:04:59.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that might turn that snowball\Nand have it move in a different direction.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.53,0:05:04.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I'm talking to parents,\Nthe word I often like to use,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.57,0:05:06.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially when talking about
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.99,0:05:11.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,parenting more challenging\Ntemperaments is "override".
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.96,0:05:13.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Override".
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.98,0:05:19.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When your little mountain is provoking you\Ninto having that thunderstorm,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.04,0:05:28.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that response might be entirely normal,\Nentirely understandable,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.15,0:05:32.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but as well all know,\Noften makes things worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.26,0:05:37.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In those moments, what often\Ncan really help,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.00,0:05:40.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to recognise that you are in one\Nof those 'override' moments.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.91,0:05:46.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then take what's sometimes\Na small but a very deliberate step
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.06,0:05:47.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a different direction.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.86,0:05:52.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, easier said than done, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.34,0:05:57.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know. I have been there.\NI am still there.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.17,0:06:01.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With practice, just like anything,\Nwe can get better at it.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.97,0:06:08.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am also aware that when I'm saying this,\Nthis may sound counter to what parents
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.37,0:06:11.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have been hearing for years and years.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.56,0:06:16.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The great Dr. Spock said one of his main\Nprincipals was that we should parent
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.75,0:06:20.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a way that is instinctual,\Nthat feels natural to us.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.96,0:06:25.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think actually, that's very good advice.\NI wouldn't want to contradict that.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.95,0:06:29.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would say there are times,\Nthere are many moments,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.93,0:06:35.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when the best response may be\Nthe most unnatural response for us,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.54,0:06:39.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we want to move things\Ninto a different direction.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.93,0:06:47.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Two very famous temperament researchers,\NStella Chess and Alexander Thomas,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.56,0:06:50.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,proposed almost 50 years ago
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.74,0:06:54.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that temperament traits by themselves\Nare neither good nor bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.99,0:07:00.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rather, what makes them work,\Nor in their words,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.05,0:07:02.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what makes them "adaptive",
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.72,0:07:09.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the degree to which that trait,\Nand that environment, are a good fit.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.10,0:07:13.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That theory, the "Goodness of Fit" theory\Nis still taught today.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.29,0:07:18.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you think of all of our ways,\Nall of our efforts
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.67,0:07:21.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to try and improve that fit,\Nyou can boil them down
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.96,0:07:24.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to two things, I think.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.62,0:07:28.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is true whether we are talking\Nabout parent guidance,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:28.49,0:07:31.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether we are talking\Nabout school interventions,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.34,0:07:34.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or whether we are talking about\Nindividual therapy sometimes.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.81,0:07:39.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can try to change the child\Nto fit the environment,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.56,0:07:44.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and/or you can try to change\Nthe environment to fit the child.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.58,0:07:48.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Although I have to say,\Nlately I have been impressed
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.28,0:07:50.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a third strategy.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.14,0:07:53.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is that sometimes you can back off,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.74,0:07:57.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you can trust what you have done so far,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.13,0:08:02.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you can let that child's temperament\Ninteract with the world on it's own terms.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.85,0:08:08.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to confess that that third one\Nis a challenge for me.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.20,0:08:13.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As my wife might say,\Nhas caused there to be
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.63,0:08:16.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some "override" moments for myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.34,0:08:18.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.49,0:08:22.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I bring that up because I think\Nwhen we talk about parenting,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.08,0:08:24.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially as a mental\Nhealth professional,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.42,0:08:29.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we have to approach the topic\Nwith a fair amount of humility.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.30,0:08:34.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've gone to many conferences, I've heard\Nmany excellent parenting talks.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.26,0:08:37.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've left some of them thinking\Nthat as a father,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:37.37,0:08:40.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the very best thing\Nthat I could do for for my kids
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.10,0:08:42.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to figure out how that speaker\Ncould adopt them.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.78,0:08:45.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.20,0:08:51.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's just not an option, is it?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.96,0:08:57.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are stuck with our kids,\Nand our kids are stuck with us.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.78,0:09:03.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Children don't come\Nwith instruction manuals.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.53,0:09:09.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think that's OK\Nbecause unlike a Christmas toy
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.98,0:09:13.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which has to be put together\Nin a very precise way,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.68,0:09:20.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when it comes to kids, there is no single\Nfinal product that has to be assembled.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:22.57,0:09:29.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like metaphors and when I try to explain\Nwhat temperament is to my students,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.38,0:09:32.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one metaphor that I really like is music.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.24,0:09:38.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In particular, the key, F major, A minor,\Nthat that piece of music is in.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.51,0:09:43.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because that key is with you,\Nyou can hear it,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.72,0:09:50.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,still the possibilities of what that song\Nwill eventually sound like remain endless.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.74,0:09:52.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.39,0:09:54.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)