(Questioner) I'm very glad to see you again. Thank you for all the help that you've been
providing to me and a lot of people. Definitely your wisdom is
very well accepted. I'm doing pretty good lately and at times I feel a lot of equanimity,
really a lot of peace but there's always a voice behind like that.
I'm afraid to go back to my habits and even that I improve a lot
there are still moments that I fall back and it's with less intensity.
But there's a certain kind of frustration when that happens,
the practice has been incredible. How can I explain maybe
most of my mental afflictions has been at ease a lot? A lot of work definitely is
by going and reflecting and I feel much better. Now that I'm feeling equanimity,
I've been possibly a few weeks feeling very good. There's always a nervousness
that I'm going to fall to my habitual patterns and in some way I think a little negative
thinking, but it is so difficult to break these habitual patterns.
Why is it so difficult? Simply simply asking,
(Sunim) Has your relationship with your daughter improved a lot or
have you been able to let go of the issues that was hanging over that relationship?
(Questioner) Yes.
(Sunim) That's great. Let me ask you a question.
So what would it be easy? Which one would be easier
trying something for the first time and succeeding at it or maybe going back to
something that you have succeeded before and trying it again and succeeding?
Sometimes it's more difficult to go back and review all these patterns and negative
stuff. Sometimes it's a little easier but let's call it easier to go through new things.
But still there's some difficulty in that too but it's a better outcome in some way. Yes
(Sunim) So, you had to deal with a lot of issues before, right?
Then you say you've gotten better a lot. You can maintain ecuanimities
and you went through a lot of practice, effort to get there.
So even if what you are concerned comes true and you go back to
what you experienced previously, even so would you be better off knowing
what you know and having the capacity you do or you'd be just as worse as before.
(Questioner) I'm better off knowing what I know. Now definitely,
I'm much better off and in some ways very glad that whatever I did
to overcome this mental attachments so glad that I went through the work
because I definitely feel that I'm better off like this.
The point I'm trying to make you refeel is that you started off at minus 10
for example and then you worked yourself all the way up to plus 10.
Even if you relapse, right as you are concerned, you won't relapse all the way
to minus 10 right you'll relapse maybe to minus 5.
So, if you stay, if you restart that minus 5, then getting to plus 10 or even 15,
it is going to be an easier journey. So, what I'm trying to say is that
even if you relapse that it's not as bad as previously and you have already built
that capacity to bring yourself back up. So there's no reason
for you to be concerned
Obviously you want to be as mindful as possible of yourself.
You do not relapse to minus 10 or negative regions. But having said that,
you should not be scared of relapsing because now have proven to yourself
that you can come back.
So, I'm saying that you should not be scared.
First, you won't relapse.
Even if you do, it's going to be easier for you to come back, so there's no big problem.
Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that there's nothing there for you to be afraid of.
(Questioner) Thank you Sunim. I really get the point.
You are right and positively, there's, I cannot say that it's greediness but definitely
I understand by experience now that even when I relapse in some kind of a mental
affliction or attachment to these habitual patterns, the intensity is much more or less.
I definitely agree with you that from minus stand possibly I work up to 10.
I agree you are right. I have already experienced that.
It's good that you mentioned because I do fall but I don't feel
that I fall that deep anymore. So, it's good to know. Thank you very much.
(Sunim) The fear comes because you are attached to that state of positivity.
You should just observe that you are in a good state and you are maintaining
equanimity in peace of mind instead of being attached to that state.
Our mind is always dynamic. It's always moving.
Just because you are in a good state now you can't try to grab onto it.
All you can do is just observe it as it fluctuates, moves in dynamic ways
The fear comes from your attachment and desire to hold on to that good state.
First, you need to do is not to attach yourself to obsess over the current.
Second, it is for you to realize that even if you go back,
it's not something for you to be afraid of.