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Breaking Bad Habits

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(Questioner) I'm very glad to see you again.
Thank you for all the help that you've been

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providing to me and a lot of people. 
Definitely your wisdom is

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very well accepted. I'm doing pretty good 
lately and at times I feel a lot of equanimity,

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really a lot of peace 
but there's always a voice behind like that.

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I'm afraid to go back to my habits 
and even that I improve a lot

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there are still moments that 
I fall back and it's with less intensity.

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But there's a certain kind of frustration 
when that happens,

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the practice has been incredible.
How can I explain maybe

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most of my mental afflictions has been 
at ease a lot? A lot of work definitely is

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by going and reflecting and I feel much 
better. Now that I'm feeling equanimity,

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I've been possibly a few weeks feeling very 
good. There's always a nervousness

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that I'm going to fall to my habitual patterns 
and in some way I think a little negative

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thinking, but it is so difficult to break 
these habitual patterns.

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Why is it so difficult? 
Simply simply asking,

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(Sunim) Has your relationship 
with your daughter improved a lot or

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have you been able to let go of the issues 
that was hanging over that relationship?

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(Questioner) Yes.

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(Sunim) That's great. 
Let me ask you a question.

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So what would it be easy? 
Which one would be easier

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trying something for the first time and 
succeeding at it or maybe going back to

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something that you have succeeded 
before and trying it again and succeeding?

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Sometimes it's more difficult to go back 
and review all these patterns and negative

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stuff. Sometimes it's a little easier but let's 
call it easier to go through new things.

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But still there's some difficulty in that too 
but it's a better outcome in some way. Yes

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(Sunim) So you had to deal with 
a lot of issues before, right?

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Then you say you've gotten better a lot.
You can maintain ecuanimities

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and you went through a lot of 
practice, effort to get there.

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So even if what you are concerned 
comes true and you go back to

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what you experienced previously,
even so would you be better off knowing

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what you know and having the capacity 
you do or you'd be just as worse as before.

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(Questioner) I'm better off knowing 
what I know. Now definitely,

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I'm much better off and in some ways 
very glad that whatever I did

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to overcome this mental attachments 
so glad that I went through the work

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because I definitely feel 
that I'm better off like this.

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So, the point I'm trying to make refeel 
is that you started off at minus 10

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for example and then you worked 
yourself all the way up to plus 10.

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Even if you relapse, right as you are 
concerned, you won't relapse all the way

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to minus 10 right 
you'll relapse maybe to minus 5.

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So, if you stay, if you restart that minus 5, 
then getting to plus 10 or even 15,

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it is going to be an easier journey.
So, what I'm trying to say is that

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even if you relapse that it's not as bad as 
previously and you have already built

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that capacity to bring yourself back up.
So there's no reason for you to be concerned

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Obviously you want to be 
as mindful as possible of yourself.

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You do not relapse to minus 10 or 
negative regions. But having said that,

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you should not be scared of relapsing 
because now have proven to yourself

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that you can come back.

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So, I'm saying that 
you should not be scared.

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One you won't relapse.

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Even if you do, it's going to be easier for you 
to come back, so there's no big problem.

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Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that 
there's nothing there for you to be afraid of.

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(Questioner) Thank you Sunim. 
I really get the point.

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You are right and positively, there's, I cannot 
say that it's greediness but definitely

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I understand by experience now that even 
when I relapse in some kind of a mental

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affliction or attachment to these habitual 
patterns, the intensity is much more or less.

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I definitely agree with you that from 
minus stand possibly I work up to 10.

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I agree you are right.
I have already experienced that.

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It's good that you mentioned
because I do fall but I don't feel

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that I fall that deep anymore. 
So it's good to know. Thank you very much.

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The fear comes because you are 
attached to that state of positivity.

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You should just observe that you are 
in a good state and you are maintaining

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equanimity in peace of mind 
instead of being attached to that state.

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Our mind is always dynamic.
It's always moving.

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Just because you are in a good state now 
you can't try to grab onto it.

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All you can do is just observe it 
as it fluctuates, moves in dynamic ways

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The fear comes from your attachment 
and desire to hold on to that good state.

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The first thing you need to do is not attach 
yourself to obsess over the current.

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Second, it is for you to realize 
that even if you go back,

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it's not something for you to be afraid of.