Breaking Bad Habits

(Questioner) I'm very glad to see you again.
Thank you for all the help that you've been

providing to me and a lot of people. 
Definitely your wisdom is

very well accepted. I'm doing pretty good 
lately and at times I feel a lot of equanimity,

really a lot of peace 
but there's always a voice behind like that.

I'm afraid to go back to my habits 
and even that I improve a lot

there are still moments that 
I fall back and it's with less intensity.

But there's a certain kind of frustration 
when that happens,

the practice has been incredible.
How can I explain maybe

most of my mental afflictions has been 
at ease a lot? A lot of work definitely is

by going and reflecting and I feel much 
better. Now that I'm feeling equanimity,

I've been possibly a few weeks feeling very 
good. There's always a nervousness

that I'm going to fall to my habitual patterns 
and in some way I think a little negative

thinking, but it is so difficult to break 
these habitual patterns.

Why is it so difficult? 
Simply simply asking,

(Sunim) Has your relationship 
with your daughter improved a lot or

have you been able to let go of the issues 
that was hanging over that relationship?

(Questioner) Yes.

(Sunim) That's great. 
Let me ask you a question.

So what would it be easy? 
Which one would be easier

trying something for the first time and 
succeeding at it or maybe going back to

something that you have succeeded 
before and trying it again and succeeding?

Sometimes it's more difficult to go back 
and review all these patterns and negative

stuff. Sometimes it's a little easier but let's 
call it easier to go through new things.

But still there's some difficulty in that too 
but it's a better outcome in some way. Yes

(Sunim) So you had to deal with 
a lot of issues before, right?

Then you say you've gotten better a lot.
You can maintain ecuanimities

and you went through a lot of 
practice, effort to get there.

So even if what you are concerned 
comes true and you go back to

what you experienced previously,
even so would you be better off knowing

what you know and having the capacity 
you do or you'd be just as worse as before.

(Questioner) I'm better off knowing what I know.
Now definitely I'm much better off you know and in some ways very glad that whatever I did to, to overcome this kind of mental attachments so glad that I went through the work because I definitely feel that I'm better off like this.

So basically the point I'm trying to make Rafeel is that you started off at minus 10 for example and then you worked yourself all the way up to plus 10 and even if you relapse, right as you are concerned, you won't relapse all the way to minus 10 right you'll relapse maybe to minus five.
So if you stay, you know, if you restart that minus 5, then getting to plus 10 or even 15, it is going to be an easier journey.
So what I'm trying to say is that even if you relapse

that it's not as bad as previously and you have already built that capacity to bring yourself back up.
So there's no reason for you to be concerned

you got any new car.

So obviously you want to be as mindful as possible of yourself.
So you do not relapse to minus 10 or negative regions.
But having said that, you should not be scared of relapsing because now you know, have proven to yourself that you can come back.

So I'm saying that you should not be scared one you won't relax

and even if you do, it's going to be easier for you to come back.
So there's no big problem.

So ultimately what I'm trying to say is that there's nothing there for you to be afraid of.

Thank you Sonim. I really get the point.
You are right and positively, you know, there's, I cannot say that it's greediness but definitely I understand by experience now that even when I relapse in some kind of a mental affliction or attachment to some of these habitual patterns, the intensity is much more or less.
And I definitely agree with you that from minus stand possibly I work up to 10 and I,

I agree you are right I experiencing that already.
It's good that you mentioned because I do fall but I don't feel that I fall that deep anymore.
So it's good to know. Thank you very much.

So the fear comes because you are attached to that state of positivity.
You should just observe that you are in a good state and you are maintaining equanimity in peace of mind instead of being attached to that state

because our mind is always dynamic it's always moving

and just because you are in a good state now you can't try to grab onto it

all you can do is just observe it as it fluctuates it moves in dynamic ways

and the fear comes from your attachment and your desire to hold on to that good state.

The first thing you need to do is not attach yourself to obsess over the current of

and second, it is for you to realize that even if you go back, it's not something for you to be afraid of.