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<Breaking Bad Habits>

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(Questioner) I'm very glad[br]to see you again.

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Thank you for all the help you've provided[br]for me and a lot of people.

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Definitely, your wisdom is very much[br]appreciated and accepted.

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I'm doing pretty good lately [br]and, at times, feel a lot of equanimity.

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While there is a lot of peace of mind, there's [br]always a nagging voice in the background.

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I'm afraid to go back to my old habits.

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Even though I've improved a lot,[br]there are moments I still fall back

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with less intensity, [br]and I feel frustrated when that happens.

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Practice has been incredible[br]in easing most of my mental afflictions

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through a lot of reflection,[br]and I feel much better.

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But now that I've been feeling this[br]equanimity for a few weeks

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and feeling very good,

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there's always a nervousness that[br]I'll fall back into my habitual patterns.

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In a way, that's a negative thinking.

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It's very difficult [br]to break these habitual patterns.

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Why is it so difficult?

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(Sunim) Has your relationship with[br]your daughter improved a lot, or

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have you been able to let go of the issues [br]that were hanging over that relationship?

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(Questioner) Yes.

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(Sunim) That's great. [br]Let me ask you a question.

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Which one is more likely to succeed:[br]trying something for the first time,

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or trying what you have succeeded[br]previously and going at it again?

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(Questioner) Sometimes it's more difficult [br]to go back and review all these patterns.

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Sometimes it's a little easier.

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But let's say it's easier[br]to go through new things.

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Still there's some difficulty in that too,[br]but it gives a better outcome in some way.

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(Sunim) You've experienced[br]some tough times in your life.

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And you said you have gotten a lot better[br]and can maintain equanimity,

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having gone through a lot of practice and[br]putting in a lot of effort to get there.

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Even if your concern comes true[br]and you revert back,

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would you be a little better than before,[br]knowing what you know

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and having the capacity that you do, [br]or would you be just as bad as before?

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(Questioner) I'll be definitely better off[br]knowing what I know now, much better.

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And, in some ways, I'm very glad for[br]whatever I did to overcome

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my mental attachment.

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I am so glad that [br]I went through the work

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because I definitely feel[br]that I'm better off like this.

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(Sunim) The point I'm trying to make is that,[br]let's say you started off at minus 10.

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Then you worked yourself [br]all the way up to plus 10.

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Even if you relapse as you are concerned, [br]you won't relapse all the way to minus 10.

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You'll relapse maybe to minus 5,[br]and if you restart at minus 5,

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getting to plus 10 or even 15 will be[br]much easier than the first time.

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What I'm trying to say is that, [br]even if you relapse,

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it's not as bad as before, [br]and you have already built up

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the capacity to bring yourself back up.

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So, there's no reason [br]for you to be concerned.

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You need to practice being awake as much [br]as possible in order to not relapse.

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But you do not need to be[br]scared of relapsing

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because it'll be much easier[br]to find equanimity again,

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even if you relapse [br]and fall back into your old pattern.

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You can just try again.

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I'm saying that you should not be[br]scared of relapsing.

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First, you won't relapse.

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Second, even if you do, it's going to be[br]easier for you to come back,

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so there's no big problem.

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Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that[br]there's nothing for you to be afraid of.

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(Questioner) Thank you, Sunim.[br]You're right, and I really get your point.

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I cannot say that it's greed, but I[br]definitely understand from experience now

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that even when I relapse into[br]some kind of a mental affliction or

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attachment due to these habitual patterns,[br]their intensity is much less by far.

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I definitely agree with you that[br]from minus 10, possibly I work up to 10.

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I agree. You are right.[br]I have already experienced that.

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It's good that you mentioned[br]because I do fall,

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but I don't feel [br]that I fall that deep anymore.

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It's good to know.[br]Thank you very much.

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(Sunim) The fear comes because you are [br]attached to that state of positivity.

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You should just observe[br]that you are in a good state and

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maintaining equanimity and peace of mind [br]instead of being attached to that state.

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Our mind is always dynamic.[br]It's constantly moving.

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Just because you are in a good state now, [br]you can't try to grab onto it.

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All you can do is just observe it as it[br]fluctuates and moves in dynamic ways.

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The fear comes from your attachment [br]and desire to hold on to that good state.

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First, you need to not attach yourself to[br]or obsess over the current state.

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Second, it is for you to realize that,[br]even if you go back,

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it's not something [br]for you to be afraid of.