<Breaking Bad Habits>
(Questioner) I'm very glad to see you again.
Thank you for all the help you've provided for me and a lot of people.
Definitely, your wisdom is very much appreciated and accepted.
I'm doing pretty good lately and, at times, feel a lot of equanimity.
While there is a lot of peace of mind, there's always a nagging voice in the background.
I'm afraid to go back to my old habits.
Even though I've improved a lot, there are moments I still fall back,
and I feel frustrated when that happens.
Practice has been incredible in easing most of my mental afflictions
through a lot of reflection, and I feel much better.
But now that I've been feeling this equanimity for a few weeks
and feeling very good,
there's always a nervousness that I'll fall back into my habitual patterns.
In a way, that's a negative thinking.
It's very difficult to break these habitual patterns.
Why is it so difficult?
(Sunim) Has your relationship with your daughter improved a lot, or
have you been able to let go of the issues that were hanging over that relationship?
(Questioner) Yes.
(Sunim) That's great. Let me ask you a question.
Which one is more likely to succeed: trying something for the first time,
or trying what you have succeeded previously and going at it again?
(Questioner) Sometimes it's more difficult to go back and review all these patterns.
Sometimes it's a little easier.
But let's say it's easier to go through new things.
Still there's some difficulty in that too, but it gives a better outcome in some way.
(Sunim) You've experienced some tough times in your life.
And you said you have gotten a lot better and can maintain equanimity,
having gone through a lot of practice and putting in a lot of effort to get there.
Even if your concern comes true and you revert back,
would you be a little better than before, knowing what you know
and having the capacity that you do, or would you be just as bad as before?
(Questioner) I'll be definitely better off knowing what I know now, much better.
And, in some ways, I'm very glad to have overcome my mental attachment.
I am so glad that I went through the work
because I definitely feel that I'm better off like this.
(Sunim) The point I'm trying to make is that, let's say you started off at minus 10.
Then you worked yourself all the way up to plus 10.
Even if you relapse as you are concerned, you won't relapse all the way to minus 10.
You'll relapse maybe to minus 5, and if you restart at minus 5,
getting to plus 10 or even 15 will be much easier than the first time.
What I'm trying to say is that, even if you relapse,
it's not as bad as before, and you have already built up
the capacity to bring yourself back up.
So, there's no reason for you to be concerned.
You need to practice being awake as much as possible in order to not relapse.
But you do not need to be scared of relapsing
because it'll be much easier to find equanimity again,
even if you relapse and fall back into your old pattern.
You can just try again.
I'm saying that you should not be scared of relapsing.
First, you won't relapse.
Second, even if you do, it's going to be easier for you to come back,
so there's no big problem.
Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that there's nothing for you to be afraid of.
(Questioner) Thank you, Sunim. You're right, and I really get your point.
I cannot say that it's greed, but I definitely understand from experience now
that even when I relapse into some kind of a mental affliction
or attachment to these habitual patterns, their intensity is much less by far.
I definitely agree with you that from minus 10, possibly I work up to 10.
I agree. You are right. I have already experienced that.
It's good that you mentioned because I do fall,
but I don't feel that I fall that deep anymore.
It's good to know. Thank you very much.
(Sunim) The fear comes because you are attached to that state of positivity.
You should just observe that you are in a good state and
maintaining equanimity and peace of mind instead of being attached to that state.
Our mind is always dynamic. It's constantly moving.
Just because you are in a good state now, you can't try to grab onto it.
All you can do is just observe it as it fluctuates and moves in dynamic ways.
The fear comes from your attachment and desire to hold on to that good state.
First, you need to not attach yourself to or obsess over the current state.
Second, it is for you to realize that, even if you go back,
it's not something for you to be afraid of.