1 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:17,340 >> I want to share something with you today that I believe will make you 2 00:00:17,340 --> 00:00:21,030 much more effective at resolving conflict and building collaboration. 3 00:00:21,030 --> 00:00:24,270 But I want to start by telling you a little story about some groups of 4 00:00:24,270 --> 00:00:28,980 chickens because believe it or not chickens have a lot to teach us about collaboration. 5 00:00:28,980 --> 00:00:32,520 This takes place at Purdue University where Bill Mirror is 6 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,680 a Professor of Genetics and a genuinely nice guy. 7 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:40,340 Bill was looking into the differences between groups of collaborative chickens. 8 00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:43,085 These were just chickens that got along well with each other. 9 00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:45,425 I call them the green zone chickens. 10 00:00:45,425 --> 00:00:47,650 There were no star performers in their group, 11 00:00:47,650 --> 00:00:49,640 they were just nice to each other. 12 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:53,920 In the chicken world, a star performer is the hen that lays the most eggs. 13 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,315 But the problem with the star performers 14 00:00:56,315 --> 00:00:59,330 is that they tend to be much more aggressive animals. 15 00:00:59,330 --> 00:01:02,105 So, we oftentimes see among the chickens 16 00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:05,269 something that we occasionally see in human organizations. 17 00:01:05,269 --> 00:01:08,480 That is that the star performers become the stars, 18 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,430 not by being so good themselves but by 19 00:01:10,430 --> 00:01:13,025 suppressing the egg production of the other chickens. 20 00:01:13,025 --> 00:01:16,115 So, they look better and they do this by pecking on them. 21 00:01:16,115 --> 00:01:18,950 Now, I call these more aggressive star performers 22 00:01:18,950 --> 00:01:21,710 the red zone chickens and they do a lot of damage. 23 00:01:21,710 --> 00:01:25,430 So, the farmers have tried different strategies to deal with that. 24 00:01:25,430 --> 00:01:28,970 One is to house the birds in individual cages about this big, 25 00:01:28,970 --> 00:01:31,340 not a great solution because it's very expensive, 26 00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:32,840 takes millions of cages. 27 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:36,590 Another thing they tried is something that's called trimming their beaks. 28 00:01:36,590 --> 00:01:39,440 Now, this is a bit of a deceptive term because it 29 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,900 gives you the impression that there's a chicken manicures out there, 30 00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:44,170 sort of filing down the sharp point, 31 00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:47,570 but really it's an employee with a tool that looks a little bit like a pair of 32 00:01:47,570 --> 00:01:51,170 pliers and they go up and rip a big chunk of the chicken's beak right off its head. 33 00:01:51,170 --> 00:01:54,440 Also very expensive not to mention horribly unpleasant 34 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:58,045 for all the chickens and the employee that's assigned to do that. 35 00:01:58,045 --> 00:02:00,920 So, Bill was trying to see if it's possible to 36 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,560 breed collaborative instincts into chickens, 37 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,145 and if so what would be the impact of that on their egg production. 38 00:02:07,145 --> 00:02:09,320 So, we had all the green zone chicken groups over 39 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,635 there and the red zone chicken groups over there. 40 00:02:11,635 --> 00:02:16,475 He took the best of each generations egg producers to produce the next generation. 41 00:02:16,475 --> 00:02:21,110 He did this for one year about five generations and at the end of that one-year period, 42 00:02:21,110 --> 00:02:23,400 the results were pretty dramatic. 43 00:02:23,930 --> 00:02:27,810 There, this is a picture of the green zone chickens. 44 00:02:27,810 --> 00:02:30,180 They were healthy and productive. 45 00:02:30,180 --> 00:02:34,550 Now, the next picture is what was left of the red zone chickens. 46 00:02:34,550 --> 00:02:38,960 I say it's what was left of them because more than half of 47 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:43,745 the red zone chickens had been murdered by their colleagues, pecked to death. 48 00:02:43,745 --> 00:02:47,665 Now, they say that a picture is worth 1000 words. 49 00:02:47,665 --> 00:02:49,610 But if this doesn't tell the whole story, 50 00:02:49,610 --> 00:02:52,595 let's look at the egg production of the green zone chickens. 51 00:02:52,595 --> 00:02:55,085 In that one year period of time, 52 00:02:55,085 --> 00:02:57,715 it went up 260 percent. 53 00:02:57,715 --> 00:03:02,480 So, what we can learn from these chickens is that red zone environments, 54 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:03,680 that are more hostile, 55 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:04,850 that are more adversarial, 56 00:03:04,850 --> 00:03:09,350 highly conflicted, internally competitive versus externally competitive, 57 00:03:09,350 --> 00:03:12,455 they produce more red zone behavior. 58 00:03:12,455 --> 00:03:16,790 It feeds on itself and can spread like a virus in an organization. 59 00:03:16,790 --> 00:03:20,045 Green zone environments that are more supportive 60 00:03:20,045 --> 00:03:23,555 and cooperative and more highly skilled at collaboration, 61 00:03:23,555 --> 00:03:30,095 they produce more eggs or whatever your organizations equivalent is to more eggs. 62 00:03:30,095 --> 00:03:33,320 Now, I'd like you to think back on that picture of 63 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:37,010 those red zone chickens again for just a minute and get that in your mind. 64 00:03:37,010 --> 00:03:39,940 As a judge for almost 25 years, 65 00:03:39,940 --> 00:03:42,650 my jurisdiction was collective bargaining disputes, 66 00:03:42,650 --> 00:03:45,980 labor management conflicts, and in that role, 67 00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:47,480 I believe that I have mediated 68 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:52,060 more school district labor strikes than any other person in the United States. 69 00:03:52,060 --> 00:03:56,660 In just about every single strike that I have ever mediated, 70 00:03:56,660 --> 00:03:59,435 by the time we get to the end of that process, 71 00:03:59,435 --> 00:04:02,930 every single person involved in that process on 72 00:04:02,930 --> 00:04:07,150 both sides of the table knows exactly what those chickens feel like, 73 00:04:07,150 --> 00:04:11,225 because that is the existence that they are trapped in. 74 00:04:11,225 --> 00:04:12,935 Now, these are not mean people. 75 00:04:12,935 --> 00:04:15,050 These are good people doing their 76 00:04:15,050 --> 00:04:18,394 imperfect best to improve the world the best way they know how. 77 00:04:18,394 --> 00:04:21,894 I mean they've all dedicated their lives to public education. 78 00:04:21,894 --> 00:04:24,930 They didn't lack an interesting collaboration, 79 00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:27,460 what they lacked was skills. 80 00:04:27,460 --> 00:04:30,755 This lack of skills was costing the state of California 81 00:04:30,755 --> 00:04:34,120 a tremendous amount of money in the cost of conflict. 82 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,350 So, a small group of us got together, 83 00:04:36,350 --> 00:04:38,780 we did a lot of research and we set out to teach 84 00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:42,860 the more adversarial red zone groups to be more collaborative. 85 00:04:42,860 --> 00:04:45,725 We were wildly successful. 86 00:04:45,725 --> 00:04:48,200 Trusts went up, conflicts went down. 87 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,230 We reduced the amount of measurable conflict in 88 00:04:51,230 --> 00:04:57,155 almost a 100 different organizations by almost 70 percent over several years. 89 00:04:57,155 --> 00:05:03,965 It saved the state of California a huge amount of money. 90 00:05:03,965 --> 00:05:07,880 It also transformed the working lives of thousands of 91 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:11,815 employees who had been trapped in that red zone chicken existence, 92 00:05:11,815 --> 00:05:15,110 which in turn I believe improved the quality of 93 00:05:15,110 --> 00:05:18,740 education for thousands of school kids who finally had 94 00:05:18,740 --> 00:05:21,410 positive role models who could teach them how to resolve 95 00:05:21,410 --> 00:05:26,575 their differences without destroying their community or going to war with each other. 96 00:05:26,575 --> 00:05:31,910 What we learned from this experience is not just limited to public education. 97 00:05:31,910 --> 00:05:36,140 It is applicable in any setting that requires collaboration. 98 00:05:36,140 --> 00:05:40,430 Whether that's a family trying to figure out where to go on vacation together, 99 00:05:40,430 --> 00:05:44,270 or the corporate world where it has become blindingly obvious lately that you 100 00:05:44,270 --> 00:05:48,940 cannot compete externally if you can't first collaborate internally, 101 00:05:48,940 --> 00:05:52,100 or even in politics where the defensiveness of 102 00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:57,280 our congress probably cost as much as the entire defense budget at the Pentagon. 103 00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:01,610 So, what I'd like to do is share with you today what I believe 104 00:06:01,610 --> 00:06:05,630 is the biggest learning from that experience and that's this; 105 00:06:05,630 --> 00:06:10,580 there is nothing that will help you become more effective at resolving conflict and 106 00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:16,415 building collaboration more than better managing your own defensiveness. 107 00:06:16,415 --> 00:06:21,440 In over 25 years of working with other people's conflicts, 108 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,725 I almost never had to deal with pure legal issues. 109 00:06:24,725 --> 00:06:28,370 People were almost always before me because somebody 110 00:06:28,370 --> 00:06:32,285 would start feeling vulnerable and then they would get defensive. 111 00:06:32,285 --> 00:06:33,965 When we get defensive, 112 00:06:33,965 --> 00:06:35,810 our thinking becomes rigid, 113 00:06:35,810 --> 00:06:40,580 our IQ drops about 20 points and we simply become stupid. 114 00:06:40,580 --> 00:06:44,659 Not only are we terrible problem solvers ourselves, 115 00:06:44,659 --> 00:06:48,144 but then we invite everybody else in the room to get defensive, 116 00:06:48,144 --> 00:06:50,930 and then what you end up with is a whole room filled with 117 00:06:50,930 --> 00:06:54,005 red zone people who cannot solve a problem. 118 00:06:54,005 --> 00:06:57,990 The technical term for that by the way is litigation. 119 00:06:58,450 --> 00:07:01,135 It's as simple as this; 120 00:07:01,135 --> 00:07:03,640 if you reduce your defensiveness, 121 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,755 you increase your ability to solve problems. 122 00:07:06,755 --> 00:07:08,915 Now, if we know that's true, 123 00:07:08,915 --> 00:07:11,090 why don't we just stay non-defensive and keep 124 00:07:11,090 --> 00:07:14,845 a more collaborative green zone mindset all the time? 125 00:07:14,845 --> 00:07:17,780 So, I'd like you to try something with me that may give you 126 00:07:17,780 --> 00:07:21,065 some insight into that question. 127 00:07:21,065 --> 00:07:24,440 I would like you to use all your creativity and 128 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:29,565 empathy to let yourself become one with this piece of paper. 129 00:07:29,565 --> 00:07:32,810 Know what it feels like to be this piece of paper. 130 00:07:32,810 --> 00:07:35,120 Nice and cool to the touch and crisp edges, 131 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:39,005 and a few sharp corners and a few wrinkles like some of us have. 132 00:07:39,005 --> 00:07:42,710 So, in just a minute I'm going to ask you all to take a deep breath, 133 00:07:42,710 --> 00:07:44,094 we'll do this altogether, 134 00:07:44,094 --> 00:07:46,075 and as you exhale, 135 00:07:46,075 --> 00:07:50,930 I would like you to focus all your attention on this piece of paper and just see if it's 136 00:07:50,930 --> 00:07:53,090 possible for you to breathe yourself 137 00:07:53,090 --> 00:07:56,420 right into this piece of paper and become one with it. 138 00:07:56,420 --> 00:07:58,480 Okay. Is everybody ready? 139 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,790 All right. Go. 140 00:08:04,170 --> 00:08:08,150 Okay. Everybody have that now? 141 00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:13,825 Now, anybody want to collaborate with me right now? 142 00:08:13,825 --> 00:08:17,695 Or build a relationship with me right now? 143 00:08:17,695 --> 00:08:20,860 Or more likely, anybody have 144 00:08:20,860 --> 00:08:25,435 any really strong negative red zone feelings towards me right now? 145 00:08:25,435 --> 00:08:27,565 So, I apologize for this. 146 00:08:27,565 --> 00:08:31,600 But I wanted to do this because I wanted you to see how easily and 147 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,330 quickly you can move from the green zone 148 00:08:34,330 --> 00:08:37,240 where pretty much everybody was in this room just a minute ago, 149 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:38,830 into the red zone. 150 00:08:38,830 --> 00:08:42,625 When it happens, it can happen just that fast, 151 00:08:42,625 --> 00:08:43,990 and when it happens, 152 00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,549 we don't have defenses, 153 00:08:45,549 --> 00:08:48,220 they have us, they own us, 154 00:08:48,220 --> 00:08:49,975 they become our operating system, 155 00:08:49,975 --> 00:08:53,500 and they determine how we see the rest of the world out there. 156 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:57,280 The problem, is it's almost all unconscious stuff. 157 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:01,405 So, we don't even recognize that we're getting defensive until it's too late. 158 00:09:01,405 --> 00:09:04,390 So, here's our premise about defensiveness. 159 00:09:04,390 --> 00:09:06,100 When we get defensive, 160 00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:09,070 we are not defending ourselves from another person. 161 00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:14,215 We are defending ourselves from fears inside of us that we don't want to feel. 162 00:09:14,215 --> 00:09:16,945 Three big fears that come up all the time, 163 00:09:16,945 --> 00:09:18,940 fears about our own significance, 164 00:09:18,940 --> 00:09:21,655 our competence and our likability. 165 00:09:21,655 --> 00:09:24,175 Let me give you an example. 166 00:09:24,175 --> 00:09:29,620 Pretend I have some big fears about my own competency for doing this TED talk today, 167 00:09:29,620 --> 00:09:32,290 and say it's going really badly maybe 168 00:09:32,290 --> 00:09:35,470 I'm jetlagged and forgetting things and no one's paying attention. 169 00:09:35,470 --> 00:09:38,200 That can cause me a lot of discomfort, 170 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:42,280 because believe me, I do not like feeling incompetent at all. 171 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:48,340 One way that I could avoid a lot of that discomfort is I might start blaming you, 172 00:09:48,340 --> 00:09:52,460 after all you are not the smartest group I have ever worked with. 173 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:57,550 Really, does anybody here think it's possible to teach the whole audience to be 174 00:09:57,550 --> 00:10:02,930 non-defensive in the puny little 18 minutes that I've got for this? Give me a break. 175 00:10:03,030 --> 00:10:09,189 It might seem like I'm defending myself against the bad audience or a bad situation, 176 00:10:09,189 --> 00:10:11,980 but what I'm really doing is I'm behaving in 177 00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:15,010 a way that lets me not be in touch with those fears. 178 00:10:15,010 --> 00:10:19,705 Our defensiveness helps us hide our fears from ourselves? 179 00:10:19,705 --> 00:10:24,710 But unfortunately, that is an awful lot like putting whip cream on dog poop, 180 00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:29,930 and I know that's a really ugly metaphor but I'll bet you'll remember that one. 181 00:10:30,060 --> 00:10:32,455 If you're getting defensive, 182 00:10:32,455 --> 00:10:34,435 it's because there's some fear there. 183 00:10:34,435 --> 00:10:38,260 But since most of us are not sufficiently in tune with 184 00:10:38,260 --> 00:10:42,355 that fear to do anything about it until it's too late, 185 00:10:42,355 --> 00:10:45,520 what can be more helpful for most of us is to start 186 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,195 paying attention to the outward behavior that we do. 187 00:10:49,195 --> 00:10:52,345 Are outward signs of defensiveness are usually much 188 00:10:52,345 --> 00:10:56,020 easier to spot at a much earlier point in the process? 189 00:10:56,020 --> 00:10:59,065 So if we know what our signs of defensiveness are, 190 00:10:59,065 --> 00:11:02,665 they can become our own personalized early warning system. 191 00:11:02,665 --> 00:11:06,520 For example, I noticed that when I get defensive, 192 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,515 my breathing becomes faster, 193 00:11:08,515 --> 00:11:10,405 I tend to talk much louder, 194 00:11:10,405 --> 00:11:12,865 and I usually feel very misunderstood. 195 00:11:12,865 --> 00:11:17,920 So, if I'm getting some feedback from my friends and I notice that I'm breathing faster, 196 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,515 talking louder and feeling very put upon, 197 00:11:20,515 --> 00:11:22,165 the alarm bells can go off. 198 00:11:22,165 --> 00:11:23,860 Ding-ding-ding, Hey Jim, pay attention, 199 00:11:23,860 --> 00:11:25,150 you're doing that thing, 200 00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:27,250 then I can take some action. 201 00:11:27,250 --> 00:11:30,280 So, it is worth your while to figure out what 202 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:36,205 your specific signs of defensiveness are and then create your own early warning system. 203 00:11:36,205 --> 00:11:40,960 Now, we've come up with a list of about 50 different signs of defensiveness. 204 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,840 But these are just a few of the more common ones. 205 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:48,650 So, take a look at this and see whether any of these look familiar to you. 206 00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:52,765 If you don't see your favorites up there, 207 00:11:52,765 --> 00:11:54,010 or even more importantly, 208 00:11:54,010 --> 00:11:56,830 if you happen to be sitting out in the audience right now thinking to yourself, 209 00:11:56,830 --> 00:11:59,210 well, I don't really get defensive. 210 00:12:01,530 --> 00:12:06,925 Let me suggest to you that you are probably incomplete denial or overly medicated, 211 00:12:06,925 --> 00:12:11,410 because this is a human conditions. 212 00:12:11,410 --> 00:12:14,770 So if you're one of those few people on earth that thinks they don't get defensive, 213 00:12:14,770 --> 00:12:18,595 when you go home tonight, I would suggest you ask your spouse or your kids. 214 00:12:18,595 --> 00:12:23,080 I've found family members to be remarkably willing to help out on this test. 215 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:25,825 Usually very accurate too. 216 00:12:25,825 --> 00:12:30,580 So, your job is to figure out what your specific signs of defensiveness are, 217 00:12:30,580 --> 00:12:32,845 and then create your own early warning system, 218 00:12:32,845 --> 00:12:35,365 then when it tips you off that you're getting defensive, 219 00:12:35,365 --> 00:12:37,735 here's a few things that you can do that can help. 220 00:12:37,735 --> 00:12:41,470 Number one, acknowledge to yourself that you're getting defensive. 221 00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:43,570 Now that may not seem like it's a big deal, 222 00:12:43,570 --> 00:12:46,300 but if you don't notice it you won't take any other action. 223 00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:49,944 Number two, do whatever you can do to slow down your physiology, 224 00:12:49,944 --> 00:12:52,270 maybe take a walk around the building and get some fresh air. 225 00:12:52,270 --> 00:12:53,530 Or if you're trapped in a meeting, 226 00:12:53,530 --> 00:12:55,330 just take a few deep breaths. 227 00:12:55,330 --> 00:12:58,210 Number three, pay attention to your self-talk. 228 00:12:58,210 --> 00:13:00,760 If you're engaged in a negative self-talk, 229 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,950 consciously try to turn it into something a 230 00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:05,575 little more positive and little less toxic for you. 231 00:13:05,575 --> 00:13:08,980 Number four, create an action step that is 232 00:13:08,980 --> 00:13:12,355 directly related to whatever your sign of defensiveness is. 233 00:13:12,355 --> 00:13:16,990 So, for example, if your sign is flooding with information to prove a point, 234 00:13:16,990 --> 00:13:21,295 maybe your action step would be just to be quiet for 10 or 15 seconds, 235 00:13:21,295 --> 00:13:23,095 just zip it up. 236 00:13:23,095 --> 00:13:25,405 If it's high charge of energy in the body, 237 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:29,335 maybe it's take a few deep breaths or visualize some relaxing seen. 238 00:13:29,335 --> 00:13:31,659 If it's a sudden drop in IQ, 239 00:13:31,659 --> 00:13:34,360 do something that's going to buy you a little time to let 240 00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:37,915 your thinking process catch up with the rest of your body, 241 00:13:37,915 --> 00:13:40,435 maybe hanging out in the rest room for a few minutes. 242 00:13:40,435 --> 00:13:43,525 One woman, her sign was always wanting the last word, 243 00:13:43,525 --> 00:13:45,610 and so she got this image of herself standing at 244 00:13:45,610 --> 00:13:49,240 the conference room door throwing in the last word and slamming the door, 245 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:52,120 and it was a way of not only reminding her what she was 246 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,360 doing but also lightening up her mood a little bit. 247 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,520 So, you create your action step. 248 00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:59,560 Then number five is, 249 00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:00,925 this is a recovery model, 250 00:14:00,925 --> 00:14:02,725 this is not a model of perfection. 251 00:14:02,725 --> 00:14:05,620 So, if you get defensive like we all will, 252 00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:09,535 you'll notice you take some action and then start over and let it go. 253 00:14:09,535 --> 00:14:12,880 So, to recap, when you leave here today, 254 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:17,065 the two most helpful next steps for you will be, number one, 255 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:21,835 figure out what your signs of defensiveness are and create your own early warning system, 256 00:14:21,835 --> 00:14:23,410 and then number two, 257 00:14:23,410 --> 00:14:26,605 figure out an action step and practice it. 258 00:14:26,605 --> 00:14:29,080 You want to practice it so it becomes automatic, 259 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,330 because the worst time to be figuring out how to 260 00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:34,150 deal with your defensiveness is when you're defensive. 261 00:14:34,150 --> 00:14:38,665 Now, if you can do both of these things, I guarantee you, 262 00:14:38,665 --> 00:14:42,384 you will significantly increase your chances 263 00:14:42,384 --> 00:14:46,855 of ending up like a green zone person rather than one of those red zone chickens. 264 00:14:46,855 --> 00:14:52,285 In the words of one of our wisest greatest modern-day philosophers, 265 00:14:52,285 --> 00:14:54,295 it's not easy being green. 266 00:14:54,295 --> 00:14:58,450 But let me tell you, it's a whole lot easier and a lot more effective than 267 00:14:58,450 --> 00:15:03,380 being in red and it could just make a big difference in your lives. Thank you very much.