1 00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:13,772 I want to share something with you today that I believe will make you much more effective at 2 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 resolving conflict and building collaboration. But, I want to start by telling you a little story about 3 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 some groups of chickens because believe it or not, chickens have a lot to teach us about collaboration. 4 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This takes place at Purdue University where Bill Mear is a professor of genetics, and a genuinely 5 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 nice guy, and Bill was looking into the differences between groups of collaborative chickens. These 6 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 were just chickens that got along well with each other. I call them the green zone chickens. 7 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And there were no star performers in their group. They were just nice to each other. And in the 8 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 chicken world, a star performer is the hen that lays the most eggs. But the problem with the star 9 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 performers is that the tend to be much more aggressive animals. And so we often times see 10 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 among the chickens, something that we occasionally see in human organizations, and 11 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that is that the star performers become the stars not by being so good themselves, but by 12 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 suppressing the egg production of other chickens. So, they look better. And they do this by pecking 13 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 on them. Now, I call these more aggressive star performers the red zone chickens, and they do 14 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 a lot of damage. So the farmers have tried different strategies to deal with that. One is to house the 15 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 birds in individual cages, about this big. Not a great solution because it's very expensive - takes 16 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 millions of cages. Another thing they tried is something that's called trimming their beaks. 17 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Now, this is a bit of a deceptive term because it gives you the impression that there's a chicken 18 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 manicurists out there sort of filing down the sharp point, but really it's an employee with a tool 19 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that looks a little bit like a pair of pliers, and they go up and rip a big chunk of the chicken's beak 20 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 right off its head. Also very expensive, not to mention horribly unpleasant for all the chickens 21 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and the employee that's assigned to do that. So Bill was trying to see if it's possible to breed 22 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 collaborative instincts into chickens, and if so, what would be the impact of that on their egg production. 23 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So we had all of the green zone chicken groups over there, and the red zone chicken groups 24 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 over there, and he took the best of each generation's egg producers to produce the 25 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 next generation. He did this for one year - about five generations. And at the end of that one-year 26 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 period, the results were pretty dramatic. This is a picture of the green zone chickens. They were 27 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 healthy and productive. Now the next picture is what was left of the red zone chickens. 28 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And I say it's what was left of them because more than half of the red zone chickens had been 29 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 murdered by their colleagues - pecked to death. Now, they say that a picture is worth a thousand 30 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 words, but if this doesn't tell the whole story, let's look at the egg production of the green zone 31 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 chickens. In that one year period of time, it went up 260%. So what we can learn from these chickens 32 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 is that red zone environments that are more hostile, that are more adversarial, highly-conflicted, 33 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 internally competitive vs. externally competitive, they produce more red zone behavior. It feeds on 34 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 itself and can spread like a virus in an organization. And green zone environments that are more 35 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 supportive and cooperative and more highly skilled at collaboration, they produce more eggs - or 36 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 whatever your organization's equivalent is to more eggs. Now, I'd like you to think back on that picture 37 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 of those red zone chickens for just a minute and get that in your mind. As a judge for almost 38 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 25 years, my jurisdiction was collective bargaining disputes - labor management conflicts. And in that 39 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 role, I believe that I have mediated more school district labor strikes than any other person in the 40 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 United States. In just about every single strike that I have ever mediated, by the time we get to the end 41 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 of that process, every single person involved in that process, on both sides of the table, knows exactly 42 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 what those chickens feel like because that is the existence that they are trapped in. Now these are 43 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 not mean people. These are good people doing their imperfect best to improve the world the 44 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 best way they know how. I mean they've all dedicated their lives to public education. They 45 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 didn't lack an interest in collaboration. What they lacked was skills, and this lack of skilss was 46 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 costing the state of California a tremendous amount of money in the cost of conflict. 47 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So a small group of us got together. We did a lot of research and we set out to teach the more 48 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 adversarial red zone groups to be more collaborative. We were wildly successful. 49 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Trust went up. Conflict went down. We reduced the amount of measurable conflict in almost 100 50 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 different organizations by almost 70% over several years. It saved the state of California a huge 51 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 amount of money. It also transformed the working lives of thousands of employees who had been 52 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 trapped in that red zone chicken existence, which in turn, I believe, improved the quality of education 53 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 for the thousands of school kids who finally had positive role models who could teach them 54 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 how to resolve their differences without destroying their community or going to war with each other. 55 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And what we learned from this experience is not just limited to public education. It is applicable 56 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 in any setting that requires collaboration, whether that's a family trying to figure out where to go on 57 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 vacation together, or the corporate world where it has become blindingly obvious lately that you 58 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 cannot compete externally if you can't first collaborate internally. Or even in politics where 59 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 the defensiveness of our Congress probably costs as much as the entire defense budget at the 60 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Pentagon. So, what I'd like to do is share with you today what I believe is the biggest learning from 61 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that experience, and that's this: There is nothing that will help you become more effective at 62 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 resolving conflict and building collaboration more than better manaing your own defensiveness. 63 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 In over 25 years of working with other people's conflicts, I almost never had to deal with pure 64 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 legal issues. People were almost always before me because somebody would start feeling vulnerable, 65 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and then they would get defensive. And when we get defensive, our thinking becomes rigid. Our 66 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 IQ drops about 20 points, and we simply become stupid. And not only are we terrible problem 67 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 solvers ourselves, but then we invite everyone else in the room to get defensive, and then what you 68 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 end up with is a whole room filled with red zone people who cannot solve a problem. The technical 69 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 term for that, by the way, is litigation. It's as simple as this. If you reduce your defensiveness, 70 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 you increase your ability to solve problems. Now if we know that's true, why don't we just stay 71 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 non-defensive and keep a more collaborative green zone mind set all the time? So, I'd like 72 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 you to try something with me that may give you some insight into that question. I would like 73 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 you to use all your creativity and empathy to let yourself become one with this piece of paper. 74 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Know what if feels like to be this piece of paper - nice and cool to the touch, and crisp edges, 75 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 a few sharp corners, a few wrinkles like some of us have. So in just a minute, I'm going to ask you all 76 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to take a deep breath, we'll do this all together, and as you exhale, I would like you to focus all of your 77 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 attention on this piece of paper and just see if it's possible for you to breath yourself right into this 78 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 piece of paper and become one with it. Okay, is everybody ready? All right ... Go. 79 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Okay, everybody have that now? Now, anybody want to collaborate with me right now? 80 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Or build a relationship with me right now? Or more likely, anybody have any really strong red zone 81 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 feelings towards me right now? So, I apologize for this, but I wanted to do this because I wanted you 82 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to see how easily and quickly you can move from the green zone, where pretty much everyone 83 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 in this room was just a minute ago - into the red zone. And when it happens, it can happen 84 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 just that fast. And when it happens, we don't have defenses, they have us. They own us. They 85 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 become our operating system, and they determine how we see the rest of the world out there. 86 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And the problem is that it's almost all unconscious stuff. So, we don't even recognize that we're 87 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 getting defensive until it's too late. So, here's our premise about defensiveness. When we get 88 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 defensive, we are not defending ourselves from another person. We are defending ourselves 89 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 from fears inside of us that we don't want to feel. Three big fears that come up all the time: Fears 90 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 about our own significance, our competence, and our likeability. Let me give you an example. 91 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Pretend I have some big fears about my own competency for doing this TED talk today. 92 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And say it's going really badly. You know, maybe I'm jet lagged and forgetting things, and no 93 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 one's paying attention. That can cause me a lot of discomfort because believe me, I do not like 94 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 feeling incompetent at all. So, one way that I could avoid a lot that discomfort is that I might start 95 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 blaming you. After all, you are not the smartest group I have ever worked with, you know. 96 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And really, does anyone here think it's possible to teach the whole audience to be non-defensive in 97 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 the puny little 18 minutes that I've got for this? I mean, give me a break. Now it might seem 98 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 like I'm defending myself against a bad audience or a bad situation, but what I'm really doing is 99 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I'm behaving in a way that lets me not be in touch with those fears. Our defensiveness helps us 100 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 hide our fears from ourselves, but unfortunately, that is an awful lot like putting whipped cream 101 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 on dog poop, and I know that's a really ugly metaphor, but I'll be you will remember that one. 102 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 If you're getting defensive it's because there is some fear there. But since most of us are not 103 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 sufficiently in tune with that fear, to do anything about it until it's too late, what can be more 104 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 helpful for most of us it to start paying attention to the outward behavior that we do. Our outward 105 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 signs of defensiveness are usually muc heasier to spot at a much earlier point int he process. 106 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So if we know what our signs of defensiveness are, they can become our own personalized early 107 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 warning system. For example, I notice that when I get defensive, my breathing becomes faster, 108 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I tend to talk much louder, and I usually feel very misunderstood. So, if I'm getting some feedback 109 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 from my friends and I notice that I'm breathing faster, talking louder, and feeling very put upon, 110 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 the alarm bells can go off. Ding, ding, ding - Hey Jim, pay attention. You're doing that thing. 111 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Then I can take some action. So, it is worth your while to figure out what your specific signs of 112 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 defensiveness are, and then create your own early warning system. Now, we've come up with a list 113 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 of about 50 different signs of defensiveness, but these are just a few of the more common ones. 114 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Take a look at this, and see whether any of these look familiar to you. If you don't see your favorites 115 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 up there, or even more importantly, if you happen to be sitting out in the audience right now thinking 116 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to yourself, well, I don't really get defensive. Let me suggest to you that you are probably in complete 117 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 denial or overly-medicated because defensiveness - this is a human condition - so if you're one of 118 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 those few people on earth that thinks they don't get defensive, when you go home tonight, I would 119 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 suggest that you ask your spouse or your kids. I found family members to be remarkably willing 120 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to help out on this task. Usually, very accurate too. So your job is to figure out what your specific 121 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 signs of defensiveness are and then create your own early warning system. Then when it tips you 122 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 off that you're getting defensive, here's a few things that you can do that can help. Number 1 - 123 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Acknowledge to yourself that you're getting defensive. Now that may not seem like it's 124 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 a big deal, but if you don't notice it, you won't take any other action. Number two - do whatever 125 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 you can do to slow down your physiology. Maybe take a walk around the building. Get some fresh 126 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 air. Or if you're trapped in a meeting, just take a few deep breaths. Number three - pay attention 127 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to your self-talk. If you're engaging in negative self-talk, consciously try to turn it into something 128 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 a little more positive and a little less toxic for you. Number four - create an action step that is directly 129 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 related to whatever your sign of defensiveness is. So for example, if your sign is flooding with 130 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 information to proove a point, maybe your action step would be to just be quiet for 10 or 15 seconds. 131 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Just zip it up. If it's high charge of energy in the body, maybe it's take a few deep breaths, 132 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 or visualize some relaxing scene. If it's a sudden drop in IQ, do something that's going to 133 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 buy you a little time to let your thinking process catch up with the rest of your body - maybe 134 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 hang out in the restroom for a few minutes. One woman, her sign was always wanting the last 135 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 word. And so she got this image of herself standing at the conference room door throwing in the last 136 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 word and slamming the door, and it was a way of not only reminding her of what she was doing, but 137 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 also lightening up her mood a little bit. So you create your action step. Number five is - this is a 138 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 recovery model. This is not a model of perfection. So, if you get defensive, like we all will, you notice 139 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 it, you take some action, and start over. Let it go. So to recap: When you leave here today, the 140 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 two most helpful next steps for you will be: 1. Figure out what your signs of defensiveness are 141 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and create your own early warning system, and 2. Figure out an action step and practice. You want 142 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to practice it so it becomes automatic because the worst time to be figuring out how to deal with 143 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 your defensiveness is when you're defensive. Now, if you can do both of these things, I guarantee you 144 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 you will significantly increase your chances of ending up like a green zone person, rather than 145 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 one of those red zone chickens. In the words of one of our wisest, greatest modern day 146 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 philosophers, "It's not easy being green." But let me tell you, it's a whole lot easier and a lot 147 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 more effective than being red, and it could just make a big difference in your lives. 148 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Thank you very much.