(film reel clicking) ♪ (light orchestral music) ♪
- ♪ At the end of the rainbow, there's happiness ♪
♪ And to find it, how often I've tried ♪
♪ But my life is a race, just a wild goose chase ♪
♪ And my dreams have all been denied ♪
♪ Why have I always been a failure? ♪
♪ What can the reason be? ♪
♪ I wonder if the world's to blame ♪
♪ I wonder if it could be me ♪
♪ I'm always chasing rainbows ♪
♪ Watching clouds drifting by ♪
♪ My schemes are just like all my dreams ♪
♪ Ending in the sky ♪
(fireworks pop)
♪ Some fellows looking find the sunshine ♪
♪ I always look and find the rain ♪
♪ Some fellows make a winning sometime ♪
♪ I never even make the game, believe me ♪
♪ I'm always chasing rainbows ♪
♪ Waiting to find a little bluebird ♪
♪ In vain ♪ (clock tower tolling)
♪ (somber musical sting) ♪
♪ (demonic music) ♪ (creature screaming)
(thud!)
(moans) Huh?
Oh. I'm alive! I'm alive!
(splat) (car honks, tires squeal)
- (man) Heh. Thanks for the fun time, hot stuff.
- Yeah, yeah, listen. Keep this discreet, you hear me?
I can't let it get out I'm offering my services
to randos on the street.
It was a quick cash grab, you got it?
- (sputters) Whatever you say, slut. (chuckles)
- (sarcastic) Ouch, ooh, such an insult.
Let me know when you come up with something
creative to call me, you sack of poorly packaged horseshit.
Tell the missus I said hi... (smooch) shnookum.
- Back up.
(mutters as car screeches away and crashes)
- Hmm?
(machine clatters)
(distant boom)
- Yoink! - Hey!
- Up yours, drag show!
(thud)
- (gasps) Oh, my God!
My drugs! Damn it!
(lasers firing and explosions)
- (laughing maniacally) (egg creatures giggling)
Those other cowardly sinners
dare not hinder my territorial takeover!
A wise decision. The power of my machines are unmatched!
No other demon can compare to the likes of I!
- Gee, that was pretty swell, boss.
- Yeah.
- You really showed them what for.
I liked it when you shot them with your ray gun.
- I wish he'd shoot me with his ray gun.
- At this rate, I will seize control of the entire west side
of the pentagram by day's end.
And nothing, not a single beast in this inferno of suffering,
will be able to take back this empire
from my constrictive grasp! (party favors toot) (eggs cheer)
- Oh, boy! - Hell will be mine,
and everybody will know the name of Sir--
- (woman) Edgelord! - Pardon? Who said that?
What did you just say to me, you fried chicken fetuses?
Speak up! - That wasn't us, Mr. Boss Man.
(object whistling and hissing)
(glass breaks)
(fuse sizzling) (thunk, thunk, thunk)
(boom!)
- (hacking)
- You looking for a fight, old man?
Why don't you get that tinker toy bullshit off my turf
before I smash it!
(crash) ...More.
- Oh, you want to go, Missy? Well, I'm happy to oblige!
AH HA HA!
♪ (news theme) ♪
- Good afternoon. I'm Katie Killjoy.
- And I'm Tom Trench.
Chaos out of Pentagram City today
as a turf war is raging on the west side
between notable kingpin Sir Pentious
and self-proclaimed spunky powerhouse Cherry Bomb.
- That's right, Tom. After the recent extermination,
many areas are now up for grabs.
(background fighting) Demons all over Hell are already duking it out
to gain new territory.
- (Tom) Those two seem to really be going at it, huh?
- Looks like they're fighting tooth and nail for that hot spot.
- And I'd sure like to nail her hot spot. (chuckles)
- Hehe, you are a limpdick jackass, Tom.
Or should I say... no dick? - Not again!
- Coming up next up next, we have an exclusive interview
with the daughter of Hell's own head honcho,
who's here to discuss her brand-new passion project.
All that and more after the break.
Suck it up, you little bi-- (test tone)
- (sighs) Okay. You remember what to say?
- (takes deep breath) Yes. Let's do this.
- Just look at me, and I'll mouth it to you.
- (annoyed) Come on, Vaggie, I know what to say.
I just feel like we need to, I don't know,
make things sound more exciting? (gasps) Ohhh!
What if I si-- - Sing a song about it?
- You knew I was gonna say that. - Because I know you.
But please don't sing. This is serious.
- Well, you know, I'm better at expressing myself
and my goals through song!
- But life isn't a musical, hun.
- Fine, but I have these other ideas of what to say.
(eagerly) The highlighted bits are the best parts!
- Uh, it's all highlighted.
Is this a drawing?
- Yes! That's the happy ending. See?
Everyone's smiling and happy in Heaven.
- I don't think it's that simple.
Just PLEASE follow the talking points we went over.
(emphasizing) And do not sing.
- (annoyed) Okay, fine.
(terrible British accent) I'll just have to resort
to my impeccable improv skills.
Hi. I'm Charlie. - (low growl)
Katie Killjoy. (blows)
I'd say it's a pleasure to meet you, but that would be a lie.
You can put that away. I don't touch the gays.
I have standards. - Yeah?
How's, uh-- how's that working out for ya?
- Look, my time is money, so I'll keep this short.
You're not here because we wanted you here.
You're here because Jeffrey couldn't make it
for his cannibal cooking segment.
(oven bell dings) You might be some
royal big shot, but that doesn't mean shit to me.
I'm too rich and too influential to give a flying fuck
about what some tux-wearing demon "princess"
wants to advertise. - But I--
- So don't get cute with me, honey,
or I will fucking bury you.
- (director) And we're live!
- Welcome back! (cracking)
So Charlotte. - It's Charlie.
- Whatever. Tell us about this new passion project you've been
insistently pestering our news station about. (knife shing!)
- Well... (clears throat)
(sighs) As most of you know, I was born here in Hell.
And growing up, I always tried to see the good
in everything around me. (slug shrieks)
Hell is my home and-- (splat!) --you are my people.
We-- we just went through another extermination.
We lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart
to see my people being slaughtered every year.
No one is even given a chance. I can't stand idly by
while the place I live is subjected to such violence.
So... I've been thinking. Isn't there a more humane way
to hinder overpopulation here in Hell?
Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls
through... redemption? Well, I think yes.
So that's what this project aims to achieve.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm opening the first of its kind,
a hotel that rehabilitates sinners!
(silence)
(creak) (nervously) You know?
'Cause hotels are for people passing through temporarily. - (murmuring)
- (chuckles) Is this girl for real?
She thinks-- you hear what she thinks?
She-- ha ha! Oh, she's nuts.
- (Charlie) I figure it would serve a purpose,
a place to work towards redemption.
(sheepishly) Yay.
(footsteps)
(radio feedback)
- Stupid bitch.
(pow!) (crashing)
- Look, every single one of you
has something good deep down inside.
I know you do.
Maybe I'm not getting through to you.
- Oh, no.
(fingers snap)
- ♪ I have a dream I'm here to tell ♪
♪ About a wonderful, fantastic new hotel ♪
♪ Yes, it's one of a kind, right here in Hell ♪
♪ Catering to a specific clientele ♪
- (chorus) ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Inside of every demon is a rainbow ♪
♪ Inside every sinner is a shiny smile ♪
♪ Inside of every creepy, hatchet-wielding maniac ♪
♪ Is a jolly, happy, cupcake-loving child ♪
♪ We can turn them 'round ♪
♪ They'll be Heaven-bound ♪
♪ With just a little time down ♪
♪ At the Happy Hotel ♪
♪ So all you junkies, freaks, and weirdos ♪
♪ Creepers, fuck-ups, crooks, and zeros ♪
♪ And downfallen superheroes ♪
♪ Hope is here ♪
♪ All of you cretins, slobs, and losers ♪
♪ Sexual deviants and boozers ♪
♪ And prescription drug abusers ♪
♪ Need not fear ♪
♪ Forever again ♪
♪ We'll cure your sin ♪
♪ We'll make you well ♪
♪ You'll feel so swell ♪
♪ Right here in Hell ♪
♪ At the Happy Hotel ♪
♪ There'll be no more fire and no more screams ♪
♪ Just puppy dog kisses and cotton candy dreams ♪
♪ And puffy-wuffy clouds ♪
♪ You're gonna be like, "Wow!" ♪
♪ Once you check in with meeee ♪
♪ So all your cartoon porn addictions ♪
♪ Vegan rants, psychic predictions ♪
♪ Ancient Roman crucifixions ♪
♪ End right here ♪
♪ All you monsters, thieves, and crazies ♪
♪ Cannibals and crying babies ♪
♪ Frothing mouthers full of rabies ♪
♪ Fill with cheer ♪
♪ You'll be complete ♪
♪ It'll be so neat ♪
♪ Our service can't be beat ♪
♪ You'll be on Easy Street ♪
♪ Yes! Life will be sweet ♪
♪ At the Happy Hotel! ♪
♪ (holding note) ♪
Yeah!
(silence) (Charlie panting)
- Wow!
That was shit.
(demons laughing uproariously)
- Boo.
- What in the nine circles
makes you think a single denizen of Hell
would give two shits about becoming a better person?
You have no proof that this little experiment even works.
You want people to be good, just because?
(laughter continues) - Well, we have a patron already
who believes in our cause, and he's shown incredible progress.
- Oh? And who might that be?
- Oh, just someone named Angel Dust.
- The porn star? - You fucking would, Tom. (nails screech)
In any case, that's not even an accomplishment.
I'm sure you can get that hooker to do anything
with enough booger sugar and lube.
- Oh, I beg to differ.
He's been behaved, clean, and out of trouble
for two weeks now. - (man) Breaking news.
♪ (news theme) ♪ - We are receiving word
that a new player has entered the ongoing turf war.
Let's go to the live feed.
(rioting sounds, Angel Dust cackling)
- Oh, shit. - "Oh, shit," indeed.
It looks like the one who just joined the battle
is none other than (gasps) porn actor Angel Dust.
What a juicy coincidence.
You must feel really stupid right now. - (wolf whistle)
- (both chuckling) Ratings!
- (frantically) Don't look at this!
- Well, it sure looks like your little project
is dead on arrival.
Tell us, how does it feel to be such a total failure?
(laughter) - Yeah, well, how does it feel
that I got your pen, huh? ...Bitch?
♪ (dramatic chord) ♪ Heh-heh. Oops.
(Tom scampers away)
(shing!)
- (roars)
(poof!) - Hey,
thanks for the backup, Angie. - (laughs) You kiddin'?
This is the best action I've seen in ages.
- Where you been anyway?
I thought you up and died or some shit.
- Oh, I wish. I've been staying at this crappy hotel
on the other side of town. (whistle of bomb falling)
Some broads are letting me stay rent-free if I play nice.
(poof!) (sighs) You know, no fights,
no pranks, no "problematic language." Her words, not mine.
These crazy bitches are no fun! I've been clean for two weeks.
- Holy shit. - Well, sorta clean.
Just clean as you can get while doing a shitload
of Bolivian marching powder.
(yelps)
(chains rattle) Oh, harder, Daddy~
- (gasps) Son?
(train horn sounds, loud wallop)
(enraged snarl)
You whores have no class. In war, the side remembered
is the side with the most... style.
- Or the side that ain't dead. - Speaking of style,
is your hat, like, alive or something?
- Oh, well, that's none of your goddamn business. Now, is it?
- (chuckles) Would that make your hat the top and you the bottom?
- Ooh! (distant air horn blares)
(bonk!) - I'm going to blow you to bits.
- Hmm, kinky. - Oh, not like that, pervert!
(egg scrambling)
(shove) - (Cherry Bomb) Oof!
Not so cocky now, are we? - You know,
you really gotta watch what comes out of your mouth.
I've been making these sex jokes the whole... TIME!
And it's obvious you ain't catchin' on.
I mean, it's just sad! (gunfire)
- So, think you're gonna get in a lot of trouble for this?
- Ehh, what's one little brawl gonna cause?
(panicking and rioting)
- (Tom) Why won't anyone help me?!
- (Cherry Bomb) Glad you haven't changed.
You know you're my favorite guy to party with.
- You know it, sugar tits.
- You ready to finish this? - Born ready, baby.
(collective screaming)
(engine rumbling)
(window whirring up and down) - (sighs)
(whirring continues)
(whirring stops)
- What? - "What"? "What"?!
What were you doing?!
- (sighs) I owed my girl buddy a solid.
Isn't that a "redeeming quality,"
helping friends with stuff?
- Not with turf wars that result in territorial genocide!
- Ehh, you win some, you lose a few hundred. (chuckles)
It wasn't that bad anyway.
(fwip, thunk!) (crackle)
- (low growl) - Oh, come on! I had to!
My credibility was on the line. (sighs)
I mean, what kind of reputation would I have
if people found out I was trying to go clean?
It just throws out my entire persona.
- Your credibility? What about the hotel's?
Your little stunt made us look like a fucking joke.
- (laughing) No, no, no, babe. Jokes are funny.
I made you look, uh, sad and pathetic...
like an orphan with no arms... or legs...
uh... Oh! With progeria.
Great, now I'm bummed thinking about it.
This thing have any liquor?
- Can you please just try to take this seriously?
- Fine, I'll try. Just don't get your taco in a twist, baby. (snap, ding!)
- Was that you trying to be sexist or racist?
- Whatever pisses you off more.
Is there seriously no liquor in here?
- I'm gonna kill him.
- Too late, toots. Wait, would that make me double-dead?
Heh. Where exactly do I go, to Double Hell? (laughing)
Sorry, you're stuck with me, bitch. Get used to it.
- (muttering) Come mierda, malparido.
- Listen, who cares if some jagoffs got hurt.
Most of them are ugly freaks. Look around.
You got a bunch of fuckin' harlequin babies down here. (laughs)
- You're one to talk. - Hey! This body is flawless.
Everyone wants some of me,
and I got the creepy fan letters to prove it.
♪ (saxophone note) ♪ - (growls)
- That was really uncool, you know, Angel.
- "Uncool"? After that train wreck,
there is no way anyone is gonna want to stay at the hotel,
all thanks to you and your selfish bullshit!
- Does that mean I don't have a free room anymore?
(creaky rattle)
Ah, well, shucks.
- Hey, come on. We don't know if things are over yet.
Try to relax, Vaggie. It'll be okay.
♪ (soft piano music) ♪
(doors bang loudly)
(footsteps and creaking echo)
- Ugh!
(dripping)
- It's probably a good idea to get
some actual food in this place. You know,
to feed all the wayward souls you got in here. (chuckles)
(chuckling dies down)
Ehh...
(Angel Dust walks away)
(demon grunts)
(series of tones)
(beep)
- Hey, Mom. Um, I know I keep calling, and you must be busy...
Really busy... Uh, but, um, the interview didn't go well.
And... I don't know if I'm going to make a difference.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I could really use some advice, Mom.
I... I think Dad was right about me.
Eh-heh, oof, ehh, anyway, I'll stop talking before this gets long.
Love you. Bye.
(taps screen)
(door shuts)
(echoing knocking)
♪ (ominous music) ♪
(eerie strings)
(light static warble)
- (tinny voice) Hel...
...lo. - Hey, Vaggie?
- (annoyed) What?
- The Radio Demon is at the door.
- What?! - Uh, who?
- What should I do? - (scoff) Well, don't let him in.
♪ (eerie music) ♪
- May I speak now? - You may.
- Alastor! Pleasure to be meeting you, sweetheart.
Quite a pleasure! Excuse my sudden visit,
but I saw your fiasco on a picture show,
and I just couldn't resist. What a performance!
Why, I haven't been that entertained
since the stock market crash of 1929.
(laughs with studio audience) So many orphans.
- Stop right there, cabrón hijo de perra.
I know your game, and I'm not gonna let you hurt anyone here, - (static warble)
you pompous, cheesy, talk show shit lord.
- Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here,
I would have done so already. (heavily distorted static)
(silence)
- No, I'm here because I want to help.
- Say what now? - Help. Heh-heh-heh.
Hello? Is this thing on? Testing, testing. (tap, tap)
- (another voice) Well, I heard you loud and clear.
- Um, you want to help with...?
- This ridiculous thing you're trying to do, this hotel.
I want to help you run it. - But... why?
- Ha-ha-ha. Why does anyone do anything?
Sheer, absolute boredom! I've lacked inspiration for decades.
My work became mundane, lacking focus, aimless.
I've come to crave a new form of entertainment. Ha-ha-ha!
- Does getting into a fistfight with a reporter
count as entertainment?
- Ha-ha-ha! It's the purest kind, my dear.
Reality! True passion! After all, the world is a stage.
And the stage is a world of entertainment.
- So does this mean that you think it's possible
to rehabilitate a demon?
- (laughs with studio audience) Of course not. That's wacky nonsense.
Redemption, oh, the nonexistent humanity.
No, no, no, no. I don't think there's anything left
that could save such loathsome sinners.
The chance given was the life they lived before.
The punishment is this!
There is no undoing what is done.
- So then why do you want to help me
if you don't believe in my cause? (audio feedback)
- Consider it an investment
in ongoing entertainment for myself.
♪ (swing music) ♪ I want to watch the scum of the world struggle
(music stops) to climb up the hill of betterment,
only to repeatedly trip and tumble
down to the fiery pit of failure. (demonic growls and screams)
- Riiight.
- Yes, indeedy. I see big things coming your way,
and who better to help you than I?
- Uh, so, uh, what's the deal with smiles over there?
- Wait, you've never heard of him before?
You've been here longer than me. (shoulders creak)
The Radio Demon,
one of the most powerful beings Hell has ever seen?
- Ehh, not big on politics. - Ughh.
♪ (eerie music) ♪ Decades ago, Alastor manifested in Hell, seemingly overnight.
He began to topple overlords who had been dominant for centuries.
That kind of raw power had never been harnessed (static warbles)
by a mortal soul before.
Then he broadcast his carnage all throughout Hell,
just so everyone could witness his ability.
Sinners started calling him the Radio Demon...
as lazy as that is.
♪ (ominous music swells) ♪ Many have speculated what unimaginable force
enabled him to rival our world's most ancient and destructive evils.
But one thing's for sure,
he's an unpredictable source of danger,
a wicked spirit of mystery, and a violent monster of chaos
the likes of which we can't risk getting involved with
unless we want to end up erased.
(music cuts) - Ya done? (laughs) He looks like a strawberry pimp.
- Well, I don't trust him.
- To be fair, do you trust any man? Any men?
(chuckles) Men?
- Charlie, listen to me. You can't believe this creep.
He isn't just a happy face. - (Alastor hums) - He's a deal maker, pure evil.
- He can't be redeemed and is most likely looking for a way
to destroy everything we're trying to do.
- I... we don't know that. Look, I know he's bad.
And I know he probably doesn't want to change.
But the whole point of this is to give people a chance,
(radio distortion) - (Charlie) to have faith things will be better.
How can I turn someone away? I can't.
It goes against everything I'm trying to do,
everything I believe in.
Just trust me. I can take care of myself.
- Charlie, whatever you do, do not make a deal with him. - (radio feedback swells)
- Don't worry. I've picked up one thing from my dad.
(deep voice) "You don't take shit from other demons."
Okay. So Al, you're sketchy as fuck
and you clearly see what I'm trying to do here as a joke. (whoosh)
But I don't.
I think everyone deserves a chance
to prove they can be better, so I'm taking your offer to help...
on the condition that there be no
trickster voodoo strings attached.
- So it's a deal then? ♪ (magical music) ♪ (whoosh)
(loud, resonating warbling) - Agh!
- Nope. No shaking. No deals. I... hmm.
As Princess of Hell and heir to the throne,
I, uh, hereby order that you help with this hotel
for as long as you desire.
(distant howl)
Sound fair? - Hmm.
Fair enough. - Cool beans.
- ♪ (hums) ♪
Smile, my dear!
You know you're never fully dressed without one.
♪ (humming) ♪
So where is your hotel staff?
- Uh... well... (creaking head turn)
(chuckles) Oh, you're going to need more than that.
And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?
- I can suck your dick.
(screeching)
- Ha! No. - Your loss. (zip)
- Well, this just won't do.
I suppose I cash in a few favors to liven things up.
(snap) (whoosh)
♪ (whimsical musical sting) ♪
(fire crackling)
(smoke hiss)
(squeaking )
(squee!) (poof!)
This little darling is Niffty.
- Hi, I'm Niffty. It's nice to meet you.
It's been a while since I've made new friends, heh-heh.
Why are you all women? Are there any men here?!
I'm sorry if that's rude. Oh, man, this place is filthy!
It really needs a lady's touch,
which is weird because you're all ladies, no offense.
Oh, my gosh, this is awful. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
(gasps) Nope.
- Ha. Read 'em and weep, boys.
Full h--whoa-tel? (radio tuning warbles)
What the fuck is this? (coin jangles)
(scornfully) You!
(studio audience claps) - Ah, Husker, my good friend. Glad you could make it.
Don't you "Husker" me, you son of a bitch.
I was about to win the whole damn pot!
- Good to see you, too.
- What the hell do you want with me this time?
- My friend, I am doing some charity work,
so I took it upon myself to volunteer your services.
I hope that's okay. - Are you shittin' me?
- Hmm... (morse code beeps) No, I don't think so!
(audience laughter)
- You thought it would be some kinda big fuckin' riot
just to pull me outta nowhere?
You think I'm some kinda fuckin' clown?
- Maybe.
(audience laughs) - I ain't doin' no fuckin' charity job.
- Well, I figured you would be the perfect face
(drum roll) to man the front desk of this fine establishment.
(audience clapping) With your charming smile and welcoming energy,
(droop ) this job was made for you! (ratcheting smile)
Don't worry, my friend. I can make this more welcoming...
if you wish...
(slot machine warbles down)
- What? You think you can buy me
with a wink and some cheap booze?
Well, you can.
- Hey, hey, hey-hey-hey. No, no bar, no alcohol.
This is supposed to be place that discourages sin!
Not some kind of now... brothel... man cave.
- Shut up! Shut up! (intensely) We are keeping this.
(flirtatiously) Hey~ - Go fuck yourself.
- Only if you watch me~
- Oh, my gosh! Welcome to the Happy Hotel!
You are going to love it here!
- I lost the ability to love years ago.
- So what do you think?
- This is amazing! (squeals)
- It's... okay. - (chuckles)
This is going to be very entertaining.
(laughs using radio distortion)
♪ (upbeat show music) ♪
♪ You have a dream ♪
♪ You wish to tell ♪
♪ And it's just laughable ♪
♪ But hey, kid, what the Hell? ♪
♪ 'Cause you're one of a kind ♪
♪ A charming demon belle ♪
♪ Now let's give these burning fools a place to dwell ♪
Take it, boys!
♪ (jubilant swing music) ♪
Ha-ha! (chorus) -Boo!
♪ Inside of every demon is a lost cause, ha ♪
♪ But we'll dress 'em up for now with just a smile ♪
- (chorus) ♪ Wicked smiles! ♪ - ♪ And we'll chlorinate ♪
♪ This cesspool with some old redemptive flair ♪
♪ And show these simpletons some proper class and style ♪
- (chorus) ♪ Class and style! ♪ - ♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Here below the ground ♪
♪ I'm sure your plan is sound ♪
♪ They'll spend a little time ♪
♪ Down at this Hazbin Ho-- ♪ (loud explosion)
(Niffty yells) (crash!)
(radio distorition)
♪ (dramatic music) ♪
- Ha! Well, well, well.
Look who it is harboring the striped freak.
We meet yet again, Alastor.
- Do I know you?
- (deflates)
Oh, yes, you do!
And this time, I have the element of... (sing-song) surprise!
HA HA HA!
I'm so evil! (laughing)
Whoa... whoa... whoa... oh...
(screaming)
That hurt!
(screaming continues)
(eggs howling)
(static warbling)
♪ (menacing music) ♪
(static warbles)
(loud blast)
(warbling winds down)
- Well, I'm starved! Who wants some jambalaya?
My mother once showed me a wonderful recipe for jambalaya.
In fact, it nearly killed her. Ha-ha-ha!
You could say the kick was right out of Hell!
(laughing) Oh, I'm on a roll!
Yessir! This is the start of some real changes down here.
The game is set.
Now... stay tuned.
(devilish chuckle)
Captioned by Sebby
(smoke hissing)
(rattling)
- Now will you shoot me with your ray gun?
(thump)