What's up cinephiles, I'm Evasive,
and this piece of paper right here means two things:
Number one, I am tens of thousands of
dollars in debt,
and number two, I know a lot about movies.
Since the U.S government isn't giving me any debt relief this year,
I have no choice now but to torture myself on the Internet
for money to pay off the loans
I took out to go to film school.
So for this video, I watched every movie that's ever won
a Razzie Award for Worst Picture of the Year.
This was an extremely painful experience
and I regretted my decision immediately,
but for the sake of my adoring fans
and my bank account,
I went ahead and watched all 46 of these
movies so I could explain them to you.
But after the grueling experience of watching all these,
I'm not about to tackle this breakdown alone.
So I went ahead and roped in another video essay girly
and a talking trash can
to help explain some of these movies for me.
But before I get to the movies,
let me explain what the Razzies are.
The Golden Raspberry Awards are an annual event,
usually held the night before the Oscars,
to award the worst movies of the year.
It was founded by Hollywood copywriter
John Wilson and editor Maureen Murphy.
The idea for the Razzies came about in 1980
when Wilson saw Can't Stop the Music and Xanadu, back to back
and hated them so much, that there ought to be an award show
for this type of thing.
Months later, Wilson hosted an
Oscars watch party at his house,
and after the Oscars had finished,
he and Murphy passed out ballots to everyone
for the worst movies of the year,
and then he announced the winners in his living room.
Over time, the ceremony grew and grew,
and today they're considered a staple of the Hollywood award season
as a low-budget Bizarro World Oscars
that distributes awards in categories
such as Worst Actor, Worst Director,
and Worst Screenplay.
Unlike the qualifications for voting at the Oscars,
becoming a Razzie voter is very easy:
either be friends with one of the producers
or just pay a $40 membership fee.
That's all it takes.
So that's the story of the Razzies.
Now are you ready to learn about every single movie
that won Worst Picture?
Because I wasn't.
There's 46 of these things, so I'm going to talk about each one
for just a minute or two
and hand off a few to my guests
so I don't completely lose my mind here.
Also, I put a content warning on a bunch of these movies
because of the sensitive subject matter I discuss.
Not trying to traumatize anybody but myself in this video.
Well, me and my guests.
But I commissioned them for this, so it-it's fine.
Anybody who swallows two snowballs and a ding-dong shouldn't
have trouble with pride.
The first movie to win Worst Picture was Can't Stop The Music,
A movie about the "origins" of the disco group Village People.
I say origins in air-quotes because the Village People play themselves
and the plot is completely made-up
and not at all how the Village People actually formed
The movie itself is super campy and full of these crazy musical numbers
that are unironically kinda great.
It's just too bad that in between those musical numbers are these scenes
with really terrible acting that go on for way too long.
Wait a minute! I am not taking one more step 'til I know where I'm going.
Yeah, quit my job, and you got me walking the beat again!
- I'm not even getting paid for it! - Hold your horses.
I told you I had a surprise for you.
I hope so. I turned in my coin change with the toll booth.
It wasn't that awful, but by 1980 the disco fad was pretty much over and
people loved to hate on disco music at the time
so you can see why this ended up being such a huge bomb.
Also, shockingly, this movie marks the first film appearance of Caitlyn Jenner
and apparently the experience was so bad
she didn't appear in a movie again until Jack & Jill in 2011.
And, uh, well.
Mommie Dearest is a "biopic"
about the life of actress Joan Crawford's adopted daughter Christina.
Again, I say biopic in air-quotes because the movie was based on
Christina Crawford's controversial memoir
that other members of Joan Crawford's family disavowed when it came out.
I haven't done much research on the topic
so I'm in no position to question this story.
But I will say that after the movie was made
Christina said the film was grotesque and not true to her memoir.
Released just 4 years after Joan Crawford passed away,
this movie basically spits all over her fresh grave
and portrays her as a horrible mother
who frequently, physically and emotionally abused her daughter.
Whether or not this is actually true is still a matter for debate.
Regardless of the real-life circumstances behind the movie,
Faye Dunway's performance of Joan Crawford is iconic now.
People who have experienced emotional abuse from a parent
found her performance scarily true to their own life experiences
but general audiences thought she was just being
outrageously campy and over the top the whole movie.
Because of its reputation
the film accidentally became a queer cult classic over the years
especially in the drag community.
It was even featured in the most recent season of RuPaul's Drag Race.
"No wire hangers!"
♫ No more wire hangers ♫ ♫ Ah, ah! ♫
♫ No, no, wire hangers ♫ ♫ No, no, no, no ♫
[Evasive] Inchon is a movie about the battle of Incheon in the Korean War.
It was financed and produced by the Unification Church,
a movement that was and still is considered a dangerous cult
with a leader who called himself the second coming of Jesus Christ.
The film's producer was a very wealthy member of the church.
He said he was instructed by God to make the film.
So, unsurprisingly, no investors wanted any part of this.
All 46 million dollars of the budget was provided by the church and its followers.
The film itself doesn't have much to do with the Unification Church.
It's a straightforward war movie that's just boring and unremarkable.
It had some star power but only because the actors in it were paid a lot of money.
Laurence Olivier admitted even before the movie was released
that he was only in it for the money.
It was such a flop that nobody bothered to release it on home media.
The only available version of the movie today
is from an old VHS rip from when it played on Unification Church TV channel.
The only thing worth seeing in this movie is Laurence Olivier's makeup job.
I mean he looks like the Joker.
This movie is just tasteless.
it's based on a novel by Harold Robbins
who was paid 600 000 dollars for the film rights,
apparently fell asleep in the screening room,
and never actually watched the movie.
First of all, in the first 15 minutes,
young Ray Liotta, in his first ever movie role,
sexually assaults the main character with a garden hose.
After that the rest of the movie is just her being forced to have sex
with gross older men in order to get ahead in Hollywood.
And you see all of it.
It seems like it was trying to criticize sexism in Hollywood
but instead of handling it with nuance or respect
the movie fully shows the sex scenes
and does the very thing it's trying to critique.
The final scene of the movie shows her winning an Oscar for Best Screenplay
and calling out the men who took advantage of her
in her acceptance speech.
Then she's booed off stage, and leaves, and the movie just ends there.
It's really uncomfortable to watch.
But somehow the next movie is even worse.
Ugh, god, ok.
Bolero is a movie by John Derek.
John Derek is— (groan)
John Derek was an old Hollywood actor
who appeared in supporting roles in several big movies in the 1940s and 50s.
In 1973 when Derek was 47 years old,
he traveled to Europe to direct a low-budget movie called
"Once upon a Love" starring a 16 year old girl named
"Mary Cathleen Collins".
During the production— (retching)
I'm sorry.
During the production, John Derek left his wife
and groomed Mary Collins into a sexual relationship,
With the two staying in Europe until she turned 18
so he could avoid statutory rape charges.
When they got married a few years later, she changed her name to Bo Derek
and proceeded to star in all of his movies until he died in 1998.
(retching) (vomit squelching)
I'm sorry.
So anyway, Bolero was a movie about a young woman fresh from college
who travels to Morocco in Spain to lose her virginity.
If that wasn't bad enough,
this movie features a full-frontal nudity scene with a 14 year old girl.
Not an actress playing a 14 year old girl.
An actual 14 year old girl.
(retching, vomit squelching) (coughing)
If you've never seen any Rambo movies before
the image you probably associate with the word "Rambo"
is the one where hypermasculine Sylvester Stallone
is firing a machine gun without a shirt on.
But see, that's actually from this movie, "Rambo First Blood: Part II",
which has very little to do with Part 1 at all.
The whole point of the first Rambo movie is that
Rambo was a Vietnam War veteran with severe PTSD
who snaps and kills a bunch of small-time cops who treat him like shit.
This sequel, on the other hand
throws that tragic anti-war character out the window
as the US government sends him back to Vietnam
to locate prisoners of war
and Rambo is weirdly ok with that.
It's like he immediately got over his PTSD
and just got straight to blowing stuff up, no problem.
This movie was a massive box office success
and made double of what the first movie made,
so naturally, Rambo III also ditched the anti-war angle
and sent Rambo to Afghanistan.
I dunno if someone thought the first movie was amazing,
it really sucks to see how quickly they ruined this character.
But, like, I get it.
The people who went to see these sequels in theaters
didn't watch it for the plot.
They watched to see Sylvester Stallone do this.
(bow twang) (explosion)
In the early 80s, Prince was a rising star.
And his stardom was cemented in 1984
with the massive hit that was Purple Rain.
After the success of Purple Rain,
Warner Bros. told Prince he was allowed to do whatever he wanted for his next project
greenlighting Under the Cherry Moon without even reading the script
the story is, Prince plays a guy in the French Rivier named Christopher
He and his friend try to scam a girl out of her inheritance
but they both end up falling in love with her.
A problem became apparent early on
when Prince hired someone with no experience to write the script.
Then 16 days into filming, the director quit.
And Prince took over even though he had no experience directing a movie before.
The end result was a movie that features what I can only describe as
Acting.
Don't try anything funny. Not this time, Christopher.
I want the money or I throw you both out onto the street.
(gasp)
That's right, [inaudible]
Throw me onto the street?
It's bizarre, it's one of those movies where
the acting is so bad it loops around to being funny
which has given it a bit of a cult following over the years
that and the soundtrack is amazing
like with Purple Rain
Prince released an album with the movie that went Platinum
and is today remembered as one of his most iconic albums
After Under the Cherry Moon failed, Prince tried one more time
to direct a feature-length movie
but that one got nominated for a bunch of Razzies too
After that he gave up and never tried to direct a movie again.
Also this here marks the first ever tie in Razzies history
with Under the Cherry Moon tieing with
(laughing)
Howard the Duck.
(Evasive laughing)
Greetings, Evasive viewers, it is I, young Junko, expert in Bird Law
and I'm here to defend my client Howard T. Duck,
star of the Razzies' Worst Film of 1986, Howard The Duck
For nearly the last 40 years my client's reputation has been
tarnished and slandered against
by quack punch, chicken shit critics for this tragic box office bomb.
Central character, the Duck, the one that we're gonna be rooting for,
he's neither funny, or bit of funny."
But I'm here to clear the air.
Howard the Duck is not a movie, no, it's a duckumentary.
I know this because I was there.
We all were.
My entire clan witnessed my client crash land on Earth
to star in a motion picture that of which has been
Um.
it's still awful. It's bad. We're not winning this case, buddy.
I wasn't trying anything. Honest!
This is a strange movie to say the least.
Howard the Duck notoriously opens with 2 instances of
full frontal duck booba in the span of 30 seconds.
But the rest of the movie is this whiplash
between what's a squeaky clean full house type family movie
that no one older than 3 years old would find funny
followed by things like Marty McFly's mom showing off her ass and
pulling out a condom for Howard's corkscrew.
Howard…
It's like anti-matter Shrek where they didn't know
how to mix adult humor and a kids' flick properly yet
so it becomes this overly long bland comedy
with hardly any intentional laughs
that just happens to throw in something totally obscene every now and then
- [Howard] Oh! - I just can't resist your
intense animal magnetism.
There's a lot of attempts at duck puns,
most are just replacing a random phrase in a word with "duck"
"That's it. No more Mr. Nice Duck."
Even the director's name is Willard Hyuck.
That's a duck name.
That's a name you give a duck.
The first half of the movie has Howard pointlessly meandering
there's no funny interactions or observations or memorable bits
it's just an aimless movie with the guy in the duck suit.
You have an entire portion of the movie
where Howard has a job as a towel boy in a sex club
it's fun for the whole family!
Yeah, Breeders, what the hell.
Bareback bestiality and pedophilia.
Oh yeah, we find Howard getting a [?] as a result of a [?] incident.
Leading to Palpatine somehow returning from the dead
and possessing the body of that one actor that's in every 80s movie
who'd later be arrested for being a sex pervert.
What would you like to eat?
I no longer need human food.
[Junko] I need little boy butts.
You have a movie where a talking duck fires a giant laser
at a hell portal to stop a horde of alien warlords
from taking over the Earth
and they still manage to make it a total snooze fest
They try to give Howard a bit of edge
but he still feels too kiddy and sanitized
And part of that is his design.
He looks like a cross of a Furby and MacCulkin.
There are some things I did like,
these alien overlords are cool
their design and stop motion is really well done.
The sequence where Howard gets shot into space
is pretty neat, pretty impressive to look at.
I like this sequence where Howard and [?] get a [?]
and start flying away from the cops
that was good.
Yeah, Tim Robins is in this
Imagine having what's considered one of the best movies of all time
as part of your portfolio
and on the other end of the spectrum, Howard the Duck,
now that's range
Genuinely I was taken aback because some of the shots in this movie
undeniably go hard.
There's a version of this movie that could've actually been good with less work
If they leaned into Howard being this cynical, perverted wise-cracking duck
that's down on his luck, who gets thrust into Earth
and finds this strange new realm
isn't so much different from his own.
Then it's all about the bills, baby, put it on my belt
He could take it as an opportunity for a fresh start,
slowly climbing the corporate ladder
until becoming a national celebrity
that gets caught up in 80s consumerism and greed
then have him begrudgingly involved in weird sci-fi fantasy stuff
like the comics, I dunno.
I'm not sure how to defend my client.
Give him the chair.
(Howard screams)
(Evasive laughing)
Alright, I may not have been able to defend Howard,
but know this: from this day forth, I will ensure every client of mine
is proven innocent.
Now for my next client, I will be defending one Bill Cos-.
Bill Co-Bill Cosby.
I'm good. Your Honor? I would draw.
We're done here. We're done.
It's Leonard, part 6.
Ask anyone who's seen this movie, they'll tell you
that's when they first knew lil' Bill was a real piece of shit
When I heard there was a comedy movie that just started on part 6
That's funny, maybe this movie could be bad in a good way, at the very least
Nope, it's just bad, it's boring, it's so boring.
If there's one thing Cosby was always a master at
it's making people very sleepy.
The whole thing is supposed to be a spoof on the spy genre,
like Naked Gun, except it actually came out a year before that movie
They just had the cameras rolling and had Bill Cosby do whatever he wanted
There's a bunch of weird sex shit
I mean the clues are all there,
in the movie his wife divorced him because he slept with a 19 year old
and his daughter is dating an older man to further her career as an actress
Leonard has to see her flash her tits on stage
for no reason, none of these scenes add anything to the movie
Cosby just wanted to look at some young girl tits
The whole film has this weird lethargic and slow energy to it
Everything from the dialogue to the editing,
it's like watching a movie at 0.5 speed.
The movie opens with Leonard and an assassin
having a shootout in a kitchen
The joke is that what they're doing is actually helping the food prep
Ok, could be funny but the pace of it all is so bizarrely off by a step
Every gag and bit is like this, like they took something that was
maybe a 3 out of 10 joke at best and spread it so thin that
you ask yourself,
Was there even a joke at all to begin with?
The plot follows Leonard being the best agent
who's long retired, then pulled back for one last mission
after a buncha animals under mind control kill people
Again a god-awful 80s comedy starts
with an animal looking at a porno mag.
Here's two fucking nickels.
The first half is him just stumbling around
trying to get back with his ex wife
who pours soup on him— what is this gag?
Is this a fetish, Mr. Cosby? You think this was genuinely funny?
[mocking] We'll have him pour soup.
Cosby doesn't have a single funny line or hook to his character
you can tell he's put zero effort into any of this
It's like he said "Yeah I'll do the movie but I don't wanna look too stupid,
These so-called jokes are what the most boring uptight person in the world
would think being silly is.
[mocking] Oh, look, wow he's being a ballerina, so girly.
Oh, wow, he's doing a silly fitness tape, how can he subject himself to that.
Oh, wee, it's like he thinks these things are so beneath him
that just him doing it would be funny.
What a piece of shit.
What really makes me mad, though?
It's completely unfair. Because everyone seems to be trying, but him.
In the end when Leonard tries to free all the animals from captivity,
and I just wanna recognize this bird right here.
Who in this 5 second shot, bends the bars of his cage with his beak and breaks free
God bless this bird.
This bird put more effort than Bill Cosby in his own movie.
This bird did not deserve to be in one of the worst movies of all time.
None of these animals did.
This ostrich didn't deserve to be betrayed
with a sex criminal grinding his pudding pop on its back.
If audiences in 1987 hated this, watching it now,
with all the humor naturally diluted even further to the passage of time
is like drinking a 40 year old can of new coke
and when Bill's handing you a drink, you probably shouldn't drink it.
(gurgling)
Cocktail is a movie where young Tom Cruise plays a bartender in Manhattan.
He movies to Jamaica and falls in love with a girl.
Then he loses her and moves back to New York to win her back
That's pretty much it.
What you see is what you get with this one.
It's a really mediocre movie.
Not that good, but not that bad either.
Well except for when Tom Cruise stands on a bar
and reads his shitty poetry.
This is pretty cringey.
I see America drinking
the fabulous cocktails I make.
America's getting stinking on something I stir or shake.
(laughing)
I make drinks so sweet and snazz-ay,
iced tea the kamikaze,
(hollering)
the sex on the beach is Schnapps made from peach
the ball and hammer the Alabama slammer!
Unsurprisingly with Tom Cruise starring, this movie was a massive success,
earning a ridiculous 171 million dollars on a 20 million dollar budget.
It's also the movie the Beach Boys "Kokomo" song was written for.
Besides that, not much to talk about here.
I'm pretty sure it only won Worst Picture because this was the year
Rain Man was favored to win Best Picture.
The voters must have thought it was funny to make the Best and Worst Picture
be Tom Cruise movies.
Ok before making this video, I hadn't watched any Star Trek at all.
But because I'm committed to my craft, I went and watched all 6 original movies
just to understand why this one is considered the worst.
After all that, I—
Yeah. I get it now.
It's not a horrible movie but especially compared to the previous films,
Star Trek V is pretty bleh.
Pretty much everything went wrong behind the scenes.
William Shatner directed it with no prior experience.
Nobody could agree on anything during the writing process,
There was a writers' strike.
Then a Teamsters strike.
They shot a lot of the movie in the Mojave Desert,
which is as miserable as it sounds.
After the filming was done, they only had 3 months to make the special effects,
and all the best effects technicians in Hollywood were busy working on
Indiana Jones 3 and Ghostbusters II at the time.
Do I think this movie deserved Worst Picture? No.
It does some wacky things like introduce Spock's long-lost brother
that he never mentioned before
Or show Kirk getting mauled by a cat woman.
Overall I really don't think it's that bad
Though I'm not a Trekkie who had to see
Captain Kirk show up on the Enterprise in a "Go climb a rock t-shirt"
So…
I mean…is that bad?
I actually don't know.
Can someone in the comments tell me if that's bad, if that's out of character?
Should I be mad at this or not?
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane was a
"comedy" starring Andrew Dice Clay.
If you don't know who Andrew Dice Clay is,
he was a comedian most active in the late 80s and early 90s
who was known as the Dice Man,
which was basically a cover to tell the most offensive jokes possible.
And they're always on parade.
They march down the street with t-shirts and flags
'I want money for AIDS disease.' Beautiful.
I want money for a fucking car, I ain't marching up and down the street
Get a job, butt slammer.
[Evasive] The movie itself is about a detective, I guess,
I dunno, it's just not funny at all.
I was on my phone the whole time because I was just so bored.
- I got something serious to discuss.
Yeah, what is it, premature ejaculation? (laughing)
We were at our parents' wedding anniversary,
and I told that joke,
'What's the definition of vagina?
The box that peanuts comes in!' (laugh)
Gilbert Godfrey plays the only funny character in the movie
but he dies like 25 minutes in and the rest is just a boring mess
that's impossible to follow.
The director Renny Harlin was also working on Die Hard 2 at the time
which came out in theaters at the same time as Ford Fairlane
and when you compare the money between the two movies.
Yeah, it's obvious which movie he cared about more.
Clint Eastwood.
I fucked him. Oh!
[Evasive] 1990 was another tie
with Ford Fairlane tieing with another movie
from unapologetic pepophile John Derek.
In this one, Bo Derek plays a woman married to a much older man
and when the older man dies, his ghost takes up residence in her head
and goads her into murdering a man
so he can possess his body and have sex with her again.
It's a supernatural dirty old man movie
where John Derek fantasizes about
living rent-free in Bo Derek's head after he dies.
Plus this ended up being his last movie.
It would be poetic if it wasn't so disgusting.
Bo was very very young. Linda was very young…
I guess I just meet them young,
before they're wise enough to know I'm not the guy.
Anyway the acting is bad, the story is bad,
the visuals are bad,
but the real cherry on top is: this movie
was the first film appearance of Donald Trump.
No joke, Trump's first movie was made by a pedophile.
He even does a little duck face in it, look at him.
Poetic.
Just watch this clip.
Woah!
Happy [inaudible]
Oh no! How am I driving? 1800-I'm gonna-fucking-die!"
[Evasive] Bruce Willis plays a master burglar fresh out of prison
who was blackmailed into stealing some art
but it's all part of a conspiracy to build a secret machine
invented by Leonardo Da Vinci that can turn lead into gold.
At this point in his career, Bruce Willis was mainly known for Die Hard 1 and 2,
and was looking to branch out with Hudson Hawk.
Apparently he couldn't decide what he wanted it to be.
In an interview, one of the writers later said:
I knew we were in trouble
when Joel and Bruce would say
You know what this is? This is a Pink Panther movie.
The next day they'd say
You know what this is? This is an American James Bond movie.
Then it would be: This is North by Northwest.
I even remember someone saying:
You know what this is? This is Casino Royale.
Eventually I realized, if every day they were saying it was something different
once we got to the editing room, we were gonna be in trouble.
So yeah, the final product is all over the place.
But he movie developed a bit of a cult following
just because it's so…so silly
(screaming)
- Honey? - (screaming)
Ball ball?
Woof!
(dog screaming)
Here's another movie that's really not that bad.
It's a World War II spy movie where Melanie Griffith is a half Jewish woman
with no spy experience who signs herself up to be a spy in Berlin
because she wants to prove herself and save her Jewish cousins who are in hiding.
Michael Douglas plays another spy
and pre-Schindler's List Liam Neeson plays a Nazi officer.
Most complaints about the movie were aimed at
how unbelievable Melanie Griffith is as a spy
because she was really bad at her job.
Like "spilling soup on Liam Neeson and taking the German kids she's nannying
to the building her cousins are hiding in" kind of bad
But overall it's not that awful of a movie
because the plot holes and writing problems
are balanced out by a good soundtrack and good cinematography
It's just average.
Not bad enough to be memorable
but not good enough that you'd ever watch it again.
The cinematic equivalent of eating at Denny's.
I think 1992 was just a slow year for bad movies in general.
That same year they also nominated Newsies for Worst Picture
and Danny DeVito for Worst Supporting Actor
like…what? Why? How?
What?
Once again, this is a movie that's not that bad.
It's a drama where Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore
play a financially struggling married couple in Vegas
and Robert Redford is a filthy rich guy
who offers the couple 1 million dollars
for a 1 night stand with Demi Moore.
Honestly, it's fine.
It takes itself very seriously and it's vaguely misogynistic at points.
Also it's completely unbelievable that a man who looks like Robert Redford
would pay a million dollars to sleep with someone.
But in the context of the movie it works.
Definitely not the worst movie of the year.
You're telling me that Indecent Proposal
won Worst Picture but Mr. Nanny wasn't even nominated?
Razzie voters were asleep at the wheel this year.
In this one Bruce Willis plays a psychologist who can't see the color red
who gets wrapped up in a murder after his colleague
gets killed Assassin's Creed-style
and he suspects someone in his therapy group.
I'm so confused why this was even nominated for Worst Picture
because this wasn't a bad movie at all.
It's surreal and weird, sure, but it's in a Twin Peaks style of way
where it's still unsettling and fun to watch.
Definitely a 6.5 out of 10 movie for me.
Maybe a 7 out of 10 I dunno.
Another one that became a cult hit after home video release.
Partly because of this crazy sex scene in a pool that everybody wanted to see
It was even streaming on Criterion Channel at one point
which basically means that it's certified art.
That's all I have to say.
I dunno guys, some of these 90s movies aren't bad enough to complain about.
There's a lot to be said about Showgirls.
First of all, Director Paul Verhoeven
was the first to accept his Razzie award in person.
And that's kind of funny.
And I'm very happy because it was much more fun
than reading the reviews in September. Thank you so much.
(clapping, cheering)
Second of all, Showgirls isn't bad.
It's actually a great movie, in my opinion, and a lot of people agree.
It is a wild movie about the world of high budget Las Vegas strip shows
Obviously with subject matter like that
you're going to view it very differently
depending on your gender and sexuality.
But regardless of what kind of person you are
the experience of watching this movie is an absolute rollercoaster.
One. Two. Three.
Thrust it. Thrust it. Thrust it!
Come on, thrust it.
But for as over the top as this movie is it's also pretty true to life.
During his research, writer Joe Eszterhas interviewed
over two hundred strippers in Las Vegas
and the result was a shockingly straightforward depiction
of the lives of high profile sex workers and performers
And a biting satire against show business in general.
Take a look at these tits.
What are these, watermelons?
This is a stage, babes, it's not a patch.
See ya.
Your ears are sticking out. They are.
Come back and see me when you get em fixed.
See ya.
Can you spell MGM backwards? I bet you can't.
- MGM. - I'm impressed.
Come back when you fuck some of those baby fat off.
Now in today's era of gritty HBO dramas, none of this is that shocking
but in 1995 this was next level stuff.
Plus with the subject matter, this movie has a lot of nudity.
It was rated NC-17 in America
and to date it is the only NC-17 movie ever given a wide release in theaters.
It was so explicit and controversial
that MGM had to hire security at every movie theater in America
just to make sure nobody under the age of 18 snuck into the theater.
The movie lost millions of dollars
and to this day, no studio has ever dared
to try and release an NC-17 movie in theaters again.
If this sounds interesting to you, I recommend giving this movie a watch
because I can't really do it justice with just words alone.
Just know what you're getting into
because this movie is every bit as traumatic as it is glamorous
And actually to prove to you how much I like this movie, watch this.
Oh.
I'm a showgirl.
I'm a showgirl, baby.
I'm a showgirl.
In the mid-90s
Demi Moore was one of the biggest film stars in the world.
And the world was dying to know,
what do Demi Moore's boobs look like?
That's actually the only reason this movie exists.
They paid Demi Moore 12.5 million dollars
the most any woman had ever been paid for a movie role at the time
just so she would star in this movie and show her boobs to the camera.
This movie is like if Showgirls was actually bad.
Demi Moore plays an FBI agent who loses her daughter in a custody battle
and then becomes a stripper in Florida at the Eager Beaver
to pay for a court appeal.
She basically girlbosses being a stripper.
Not in a nuanced way like Showgirls though.
But in a stupid way that takes itself seriously
and is mostly boring and not believable at all.
Despite bad reviews, the movie ended up being a huge success
The director-writer-producer Andrew Bergman
basically quit Hollywood after this movie
I'm pretty sure what happened is
once he got Demi Moore to agree to go topless,
he just phoned in the rest of the movie
because clearly the audiences weren't watching for the plot.
But what can I say?
That's showbiz, baby.
That's…that's showbiz, baby.
The Postman takes place in a distant future year of 2013
after much of humanity has been wiped out by a plague.
Kevin Costner, who also directed the movie,
stars as a traveling Shakespeare performer that's conscripted to Caesar's Legion
He escapes and finds an old mail bag full of mail
and pretends to be a mailman so he can get food
and accidentally restarts the US postal service in the process
Also it's almost 3 hours long.
Honestly, as far as post-apocalyptic adventures go, this one isn't that bad.
It's about the same level of quality as Waterworld, actually.
But the fact that it was a 3 hour long Kevin Costner vanity project,
released just a week after Titanic,
made it a very easy target for critics.
What is Kevin Costner even up to, these days?
(typing) Kevin Costner.
I mean, hey. Good luck Kevin.
If you aren't familiar, the name Alan Smithee
is a fake name the Director's Guild came up with in 1968
that directors who took their name off a movie
were required to use instead.
And this movie caused such a headache
that the Directors' Guild had to officially stop allowing
the use of the Alan Smithee name in movies.
This movie was written by Joe Eszterhas
and was directed by Arthur Hiller.
It's a mockumentary about a guy whose name was actually Alan Smithee
who directs an action movie but he hates the finished product
so he steals the film reels and holds them ransom
because he wasn't allowed to take his name off.
Now behind the scenes in real life,
Joe Eszterhas was in charge of cutting Burn Hollywood Burn
and when Arthur Hiller saw the final version
he hated it so much he had his name taken off the movie
But this of course created a confusion
because this was a movie about Alan Smithee
and the poster said it was directed by Alan Smithee
which you would assume was just a joke
but no, the director actually had his name taken off the movie.
It would take me so long to explain everything that's wrong with this movie
so let me sum it up in four words.
Not funny.
Didn't laugh.
There's way too many characters,
the movie jumps all over the place
Harvey Weinstein is in it.
"Eew."
There's lots of not funny parts where the camera freeze frames
and there's a wall of text on screen.
I'm guessing what happened is they filmed all these scenes separately
and thought they were hilarious on set
but during editing, they realized they had nothing to work with
so Joe Eszterhas tried to salvage it by adding a bunch of text edit jokes
which actually made the movie worse.
I have no proof of this but it seems right to me.
I'd probably do the same thing in that situation.
Ok so this is a Western steampunk fusion movie
starring the Fresh Prince and the guy who plays Mr. Fischoeder in Bob's Burgers
as cowboy government agents
hunting down an evil ex-Confederate officer with no legs
who kidnaps President Ulysses S. Grant with a giant robot spider.
That's what this movie is.
(hooting)
(trilling)
This movie is ridiculous.
I don't know what the executives at Warner Bros. were snorting
when they decided to spend over a 170 million dollars
on a movie where cowboy Will Smith fights a huge mecha spider
but thank god they did
because Will Smith turned down playing Neo in the Matrix to do this movie.
I want you to imagine now if Will Smith played Neo in the Matrix.
(laughing)
I probably would have messed the Matrix up.
I would've ruined it.
So I did y'all a favor.
This might not be a "good" movie
but oh my god it's so funny.
Plus the theme song is pretty fire.
If I may quote one of the great gangster rappers, William 'Will' Smith,
(nonchalantly) wicki wild wild, wicki wicki wild
wicki wild, wicki wicki wild wild wild west.
wicki wild, wicki wicki wild wild west.
Do you find those lyrics inspiring?
I mean, I…
Battlefield Earth is an action sci-fi movie
based on a novel written by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology
which he wrote in 1982
when he was in hiding to avoid going to prison for his numerous crimes.
It's about a distant future world
where humanity has been enslaved by aliens called "psychlos"
which are a very obvious metaphor for
L. Ron Hubbard's vitriolic hate of psychiatrists.
John Travolta, who plays the evil alien leader named Turl
and has been a scientologist since 1975
is directly responsible for this movie existing.
The production company
was later found to have defrauded investors out of 31 million dollars
by overreporting production costs
causing a lawsuit that forced the company to go bankrupt and shut down in 2007.
On top of that, the movie was a massive financial flop
not just because the movie and its John Travolta action figures
were an obvious Scientology recruitment tactic
but because the movie itself was a visual nightmare.
The special effects are ugly,
the costumes are disgusting,
and the whole movie was filmed with crooked angles
that changed multiple times a scene.
which gave a bunch of people motion sickness.
It's a really infamously bad movie
that's been covered by many other channels over the years
so if you want more info, go watch one of those videos.
Just don't watch the movie itself.
It'll do nothing but make you nauseous and waste two hours of your time.
I'm serious, you guys, don't do it.
I'm sorry, you guys, conflict of interest,
I can't talk about Freddy Got Fingered.
One of my friends and I watched this movie four times during quarantine
and we kinda bonded over it.
Now this movie has a special place in my heart.
"Aw."
So I made Nikki watch it instead.
She's never seen it before.
And here she is now.
Where the hell do I even begin with this movie.
Part of me thinks this movie is some kind of deep anti-comedy
meant to satirize the other gross out comedies
that were popular in the early 2000s
and the other part of me thinks that maybe it means nothing at all.
I mean any normal human being
will read a title like
Freddy Got Fingered
and run away in the opposite direction.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
But to put it simply, this movie is about a 28 year old man
Stop it, stop it, Mom, I'm a 28 year old man.
Hey, baby, he's a 28 year old man.
His name is Gord and he moves to LA to be a cheese worker.
And also to pursue his dreams of being a professional animator.
Seems pretty simple, right? Seems pretty cut and dry?
But that's where you'd be wrong.
Because so very many things happen in this movie
that are beyond human explanation.
Just to name a few,
Tom Green jerks off a horse
he swings a baby around by its umbilical cord
Tom Green walks around in a deer carcass
And he goes scuba diving in his own toilet.
- Get out of that toilet! - (bubbling, gurgling)
But at the risk of sounding clinically insane
and demented
there are moments in this movie that I find kind of relatable.
Like this one where the CEO of an animation company
tells Gord that he doesn't like his drawings.
- It sucks.
And so he immediately sticks a gun in his mouth and starts screaming.
Characters are lame, I'm a loser
I wish I was dead.
- (screaming) - Wait, wait.
What makes this even funnier is that once he receives validation,
he takes the gun out of his mouth and acts like none of that ever happened at all.
Sir I can't work on this all day, I got a job at the cheese sandwich factory.
If you're mentally ill, and make art, this is the film for you.
It's time I get a job and do something with my life
instead of acting like a little baby.
I can't think of anything to draw because I'm so stupid.
I'm so stupid.
And this movie surprised me in so many different ways
For one, it made me laugh way more than I anticipated.
Can't you see we're both just a couple of stupid idiots.
- Gord… - (mocking) Gord! Gordie!
It was also weirdly based at times.
I say weirdly because the early 2000s was a derogatory fever dream.
It was like running thru the perfume department in SpongeBob
but the perfume was slurs.
Gord ends up asking out this nurse named Betty
and she says yes, but afterwards he finds out that she's in a wheelchair.
At first I was like, oh shit, it's about to get really ableist in here
Lel-lel-lel.
I was truly prepared for the worst.
But my expectations were completely subverted when Betty ended up
not only being the smartest person in this whole movie
but her and Gord remain in a relationship for the rest of the film.
- I have a bag of jewels for you. - Gord…
- They're jewels, Betty. They're jewels.
Another interesting thing to me is that
Betty constantly wants to
give Gord a blowjob.
Here me out dude!
She asks him this so many times in the movie,
that it comes off as very obviously satirical.
Gord, I don't care about jewels, I just wanna suck your cock
My life's a little hectic,
I'm having trouble concentrating with all the skateboarding…
- You sucking my penis all the time - (chuckling)
Again, my expectations were subverted
by Gord being the one who repeatedly asks if they can just go out on a date.
I just think if we went out on at least one date
and you didn't do any sucking right now
that would make the whole sucking to date ratio
far more balanced, you know?
This could be a play on the trope of male protagonists in comedy especially
being obsessed with sex
And not only that but women being ultra sexualized in these movies.
Not all the subversion in this movie is good, though, necessarily.
If you were wondering how the movie got its title,
I shit you not, about 50 minutes into the film,
Gord frames his dad for "fingering" his brother.
At least I don't touch Freddy.
He fingers him.
His brother who is like 25 and doesn't even live with them.
- He's a molester!
He's a child molester!
But CPS literally goes into his apartment
and takes him to the molestation hospital.
Is this shocking?
Uh, yes.
I don't know if it's shocking compared to the other things in this movie.
(screaming)
Is it in poor taste?
Uh…luhh…luhh…
Maybe.
But this whole framing of the fingering
is the canon event that leads to the finale of the film.
When Gord pranks his dad by
abducting him in the middle of the night and taking him to Pakistan.
You're fucking dead.
They could write books and novels and college theseses
about everything else that happen between then and the ending
but just know that this movie ends with Gord and his dad
being covered in elephant cum
(elephant trumpeting)
Speaking of which, there's an elephant in this room!
The elephant is that I actually kinda like this movie.
Also the elephant is coming.
Is that so wrong?
And is it so wrong that maybe kinda
I might be attracted to Tom Green in this movie?
Is it ok that he might be the Pete Davidson of the 90s?
Shut up.
As far as career-ruining films go,
Tom Green took the failure of Freddy very very well.
He even showed up to accept his Golden Razzie.
He rolled out his own red carpet too.
- Well done you guys. Give him some space.
- Thank you so much!
- Can you grab that at the end?
Thank you very much.
Celebrate your successes
and your failures.
[Evasive] A remake of an Italian film from 1974
Swept Away is a movie where Madonna plays the dumbest
most unlikable rich woman in the world
who gets marooned on an island with an Italian sailor
who hates her and sexually assaults her.
3 minutes after that
there's a time skip and suddenly they're in love.
It's a nasty nasty nasty movie
and I don't even wanna talk about it.
It was so bad it caused Madonna to give up on acting entirely.
It's a disaster. Absolute agony to watch.
Especially when you consider the movie was directed
by Madonna's then-husband Guy Ritchie.
Madonna later divorced Guy Ritchie in 2008
but in my opinion, queen should've divorced Ritchie on the spot
for even suggesting this movie.
[Madonna] Ugh. It was rough.
There's nothing glamorous about it. You were really mean to me.
- I just want to slap you on camera.
Why, Mrs. Ritchie?
For those times you let Adriano slap me and never yelled 'cut'.
[Ritchie] One more.
- those times they threw octopuses on me,
when you made me stay in the freezing water
when you made me run down the sand dunes
and when you ate my food.
And you didn't pay me.
And you never said thank you.
(crying)
I'm not gonna lie, I was riding the high
of actually enjoying Freddy Got Fingered
when Gigli came in and literally snuffed the life out of me.
Gigli is a movie.
It's about a mobster named Gigli
played by Benjamin, Benny Boy, Affleck.
Much like this review on Letterboxd,
I too hope Gigli kills himself.
Because not only does he abduct a mentally challenged teenager,
and abuse him while holding him for ransom,
What if I smack you in the fucking head?
He's also just cringe.
Unforgivably so.
J.Lo. is also in this movie, unfortunately
and she plays this other mobster or mobsterette
who is supposed to help him take care of this mentally disabled kid
and she also just happens to be a lesbian.
It means I'm a lesbian.
Or should I say, the least convincing lesbian in film history.
No lesbians were consulted in the making of this movie.
Because what the fuck is this?
It's turkey time.
Huh?
Gobble gobble.
You may not be able to tell
because this is the weirdest way I've ever heard anyone describe it
but she's talking about eating pussy here.
I really don't know who told J.Lo.
or whoever wrote this script
that lesbians call that turkey time.
But whoever it was deserves to be taken out behind a barn and shot.
Of course Gigli doesn't respect her sexuality.
Your girlfriends, they're at a natural disadvantage.
They might try hard but they're not just backed up
by millions of years of genetic engineering.
He whines and complains throughout the whole movie about
Oh, it's not fair, she's a lesbian but I'm attracted to her.
And I wanna be with her.
You know why I'm fucking sad? I've got this fucking
beautiful, sexy, gorgeous heartthrobba-rama
fucking smart, amazing, bombshell
17 on a fucking 10 scale girl
sleeping on the bed next to me.
She's a stone cold dyke.
A fucking untouchable, unaffable, unattainable
brick wall fucking dykossaurus rex.
(mocking) Eugh…eugh…
And after enough complaining, Ricki starts doing deeds with him.
It's not like this is realistic at all in anyway,
but in the hypothetical scenario
where for some reason a lesbian had sex with a guy
it would not be with this guy.
He's always like licking his teeth and shit.
But luckily there's not just lesbian cringe,
This ain't fucking lesbian talk circle time!
There's also plenty of heterosexual cringe.
God bless you penis.
And gay cringe.
I'm not gay!
Despite this movie literally being about mobsters,
nothing mobster-related really happens in this movie until the last 30 minutes
where for some reason Al Pacino is here.
You piece of shit!
I'm sure this is Al Pacino's favorite role of all time
right up there next to Jack and Jill.
Ok, come on, low bat it here pitcher, we got em.
Ho!
- Ho!
But to give it to you straight,
the movie ends with Gigli leaving the mentally disabled kid
on a random beach with the cast of Baywatch.
And it's literally played out like it's supposed to be this inspirational thing.
Like a tearjerker or something.
(inspirational music)
Meanwhile, Gigli and Ricki ride off into the sunset
just as she's telling him that he should wear some makeup.
You know I bet you'd look awesome in some mascara.
Do not watch this movie.
You will get a UTI.
Or that other thing.
[Evasive] Ok first of all, this movie is Catwoman in name only.
Despite being a DC comics movie,
the Catwoman of this movie has nothing to do
with the Catwoman from Batman.
This character has a different name
lives in a different city
and gets her cat superpowers from a magic cat burping in her mouth.
It's just so stupid, it's actually really fun to watch.
Especially the CGI Halle Berry during the action scenes.
It's so funny.
As you might expect this movie bombed hard
probably because they put it in theaters around the same time as Spiderman 2.
(laughing)
It's a pretty infamous superhero movie now
and the director Pitof was basically laughed out of Hollywood
and never directed a movie again.
But Halle Berry embraced this movie was a flop
and even showed up in person to accept her Razzie award.
First of all I wanna thank Warner Bros.
(crowd laughing)
Thank you for putting me in a piece of shit god-awful movie.
(crowd laughing, cheering)
(Berry cheering)
Dirty love is a…
"comedy",
created by Melissa McCarthy's cousin,
notorious anti-vaxxer and Masked Singer judge, Jenny McCarthy.
She stars as a woman who gets dumped by her boyfriend and her life falls apart.
It's really unhinged but not in a funny kind of way.
More in a "I'm born uncomfortable and I wanna leave the room," kind of way.
I had a hard time finding clips of this movie online
because it's pretty obscure and nobody likes it.
It's mostly badly delivered jokes and gross out humor
with a feminine spin.
And by feminine spin I, of course, mean period jokes
Like this scene where a bleeding Jenny McCarthy
goes to the grocery in a white skirt and no underwear
and almost bleeds out on the floor.
You know, relatable comedy for women.
Just girly things.
Hashtag just girly things.
Just girly things.
It's a girly thing, so you wouldn't understand, boys.
It's a girly thing.
Hashtag just girly things.
It's a girly thing, it's a girly thing.
(sing-song) Hashtag just girly things.
So this is a sequel to Basic Instinct,
an erotic murder mystery thriller from the early 90s
that's maybe best remembered for this scene
where Newman from Seinfeld sees Sharon Stone's
bare, uncensored pussy in an interrogation room.
The original was nominated for a few Razzies in its day
but it was a massive box office hit
and is today remembered as a pretty solid neo-noir thriller.
Now, Basic Instinct 2, on the other hand, only exists
because Sharon Stone was promised 14 million dollars to star in the movie.
When the producers tried to cancel it,
she sued them to force them to make it.
Don't take it so hard.
Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming.
It's hard to talk about this movie without spoiling the original a bit.
But I will say that overall I didn't hate this movie.
But I also barely remember the plot and I only saw it a couple of months ago.
It rehashes a lot of the same story beats and plot points as the original,
just not as good.
Would I call it a terrible movie?
No, not really.
Compared to the original, it's pretty bland and forgettable.
But that's what happens when you make a movie just to avoid a massive lawsuit.
Gotta love showbiz, baby.
I Know Who Killed Me is a horror movie starring Lindsay Lohan
as a girl who is kidnapped by a serial killer
but survives and wakes up in the hospital saying she's someone else.
This movie was released in July 27, 2007
right at the peak of the tabloid frenzy about Lindsay Lohan
and her struggles with alcohol and drug addiction.
There was a lot of attention on it while it was filming.
Especially because Lohan checked into rehab for the first time
a month into production.
The film set was so swarmed with paparazzi
that sometimes in the movie, some were in the background.
Then a couple months after filming wrapped,
Lohan was arrested for drunk driving.
Then on July 24th, just three days before the movie was released,
Lohan was arrested for drunk driving again
and couldn't attend the premiere.
All of this negative media attention made Lindsay Lohan
enemy number one in Hollywood.
Critics eviscerated this movie.
But in a year since its release,
this film has kind of become a cult classic with horror movie fans.
It's been screened in theaters many times over the last decade.
I've seen a lot of people online compare it to giallo movies,
an Italian film genre popular in the 60s and 70s
that mixed elements of murder movies, slashers, and erotica.
The influence of giallo is definitely present here.
It's a stylish weird thriller
and Lohan's background made her kind of perfect for the role
as the main character quickly transforms from a sweet high school girl
into a deeply traumatized woman with a robotic hand.
It's definitely not for everyone, myself included,
but if you're into weird gory horror movies,
there's a lot to vibe with here.
It's much better than Norbit, that's for sure.
Have you ever seen Norbit?
Ooh!
Ah! Bitches!
(screaming)
The Love Guru is a movie
written by, produced by, and starring Mike Meyers
that's mostly remembered as the movie
that completely tanked his career
and caused him to step away from Hollywood for 8 years.
Critics and audiences both hated it.
With critics calling it
lazy, immature, mindless, pitiable, insulting, painful,
gross, contemptuous, racist, and unlikable,
among many other things.
But don't take their word for it.
Take my word for it.
I don't have any other words for it, that sums it up.
This scene was in the trailer.
Woah! How did you get there?
(groans)
This little guy scared the crap out of me.
I might have to do a panty check,
might have some monkey mustard back there.
Who is this prick?
Shh.
Man, how do you do? Shrimp?
What did you call me, jagomoe?
I'm sorry I didn't catch your gnome—name!
You are a midget.
The plot of this movie is Mike Myers
plays a self-help guru named Maurice Pitka
who was raised in India
wears a chastity belt
and dreams of being on Oprah.
He's hired by the Toronto Maple Leaves
to help their star player get back together with his wife
because he is the Love Guru
and only he can save their marriage.
It's basically a one note movie
that feels like it was written by a 10 year old boy.
Every scene goes on for too long,
Mike Myers keeps laughing at his own jokes
and pretty much every line is about
poop, pee, farts, balls, or dicks,
with many of the characters' names being dick jokes.
We got Tugginmypudha,
coach Cherkov,
Le Coq,
Dick Pants,
(Evasive laughing)
It's not funny that John Oliver is named Dick Pants.
(laughing)
[Evasive] It's not… (laughing)
(Evasive) Ok, I'll be the first to say that
I don't think any of the Transformers movies are particularly good.
That being said,
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is definitely the worst one,
if only for how offensive and annoying it is.
Pretty much every Transformer introduced in this movie
either talks with a racist accent,
or the most annoying cartoon voice imaginable.
And when it isn't being annoying or racist,
it's doing shit like this.
Name's Wheelie. Hah…hah… Say my name…hah…hah…
What are you allowing to happen to your foot?
At least he's faithful, Sam.
Yeah, well, he's faithful, and he's nude and he's perverted.
Hah…hah…hah…
(sighs)
Like is it any wonder Megan Fox quit the series after this?
Sadly this movie ended up making 836 million dollars
which was about 100 million more dollars than Up made that same year.
- This is giving me a heart attack. - 'Cause you was a wuss.
You forced me into that car, right?
Oh I think he scared.
Hey Mudflap. What we gonna do with this shrimp taco?
Lemme pop a cap in his ass, throw him in the truck, nobody gonna know nothing.
Why don't you get a haircut with your bitch ass?
What can I even say about this movie
that hasn't been said a thousand times already?
This live action trashfire directed by M. Night Shyamalan
attempted to condense the first season of an amazing animated TV show
into a 90 minute CGI-filled mess.
Maybe if you watch this,
having never seen the original series,
it's just another lame Hollywood fantasy action movie.
But for fans of the series, this was offensively bad.
The creators of the show
were not allowed to give any input on the movie's development.
Beloved characters were made one-dimensional and pointless,
major plot points were skipped over,
characters' names are pronounced wrong.
How do you even screw that up?
This movie made a lot of money
but was so hated by audiences
that Paramount must have known they couldn't fool people twice
and cancelled plans to adapt the other 2 seasons,
effectively sinking the career of the kid who played Aang before it even began.
It's just sad.
The whole movie is a sad waste of source material.
You'd probably have a better time playing the official Wii game
than watching this movie.
(vaguely Asian music) (wheels skidding)
(Evasive) Ok, maybe not.
(dramatic, haunting piano)
Alright, Razzies, respectfully,
what the fuck?
I wouldn't call myself a Twilight fan,
I never read the books and I didn't watch the movies until recently,
but even I know that the last movie in the Twilight series
isn't that bad a movie.
It's ridiculous, sure, but out of all the movies in this series,
it's the most interesting and exciting entry aside from the first one.
Obviously they gave it Worst Picture as a sort of dig at the entire series,
since others hadn't won Worst Picture before,
but come on.
Breaking Dawn Part 2 is fun.
It's got a big fight scene on a frozen lake,
it's got a girl named Renesmee,
it concludes one of the most iconic and stupid blockbuster series of all time.
It's so entertaining and over the top
even if you hate Twilight and everything about it,
you can't tell me this is worse than the Adam Sandler movie
where he shows a 13 year old impregnating his teacher.
You can't tell me that.
Because you'd be wrong.
Let me start this one off by
showing you the list of people who were involved in this movie.
That's not even all of them.
Movie 43 is a compilation of raunchy comedy sketches
each directed by different people.
Made on an impossibly cheap budget of 6 million dollars,
this thing took 3 whole years to film
because the producers worked around actors' schedules
to maximize how many famous people could show up in this.
The sketches themselves are a relentless onslaught of dirty shock humor.
There's one where Hugh Jackman has balls on his face.
There's one where Chloe Grace Moretz spills period blood on the wall.
There's one where a horny cat pisses on Elizabeth Banks.
There's one where Kieran Culkin wants to leave a hickey on Emma Stone's vagina.
My personal favorite was the one where Anna Faris asks Chris Pratt
to poop on her during sex.
- So he takes some— - Poop Viagra.
And then gets hit by car.
I love you, I wanna marry you.
Oh my god. Doug, no!
If you're feeling sadistic,
throw this on at your next bad movie night with friends.
It's got a little something for everyone.
I don't know what the hell Movie 43 even means.
But I'm in Movie 43, maybe I'm in Movie 44. I don't know.
So if you're unfamiliar, Kirk Cameron was a child actor in the 80s
who took a hard right turn into Evangelical Christianity
and has since appeared almost exclusively
in low-budget Christian movies and radio programs.
Today, he's mostly known for his inflammatory publicity stunts
Like in 2020, when he organized mask-less Christmas caroling events in LA
to protest COVID restrictions,
which he called "communism disguised as public health".
You know the type.
He's a nutcase,
and his movie had been dunked on a hundred times by YouTubers already
because for a while, this was the lowest-rated movie on IMDB,
with an average rating of 1.3 out of 10.
Which he claimed was the result of atheist conspiracy on Reddit.
The whole movie takes place in one house
and almost every scene is him using weird circular reasoning
to explain how non-Christian Christmas traditions
had actually been Christian all along.
Like how Christmas trees were God's idea
because God created trees.
Or how the holiday isn't actually materialistic
because the ability to buy gifts
is God's gift to humanity.
It's just boring.
It's a very boring movie where nothing happens,
everyone is just sitting or standing around
not doing anything.
The only remotely entertaining part
is when the extras have a dance party at the end.
♫ (Angels we have heard on high dance remix) ♫
Fan-four-stic is a classic case of too many people in the same movie.
The writers disagreed on everything.
The director Josh Trank slept with a loaded gun on him
because he got death threats for casting Michael B. Jordan.
Fox executives had whole scenes cut out
and other scenes reshot without Trank's approval
because they thought his version was too dark.
Trank also put out a tweet before the movie came out
basically disowning it.
The end result of all of this
was an ugly, boring mess of a movie
where there's no real stakes or tension anywhere.
They don't become superheroes until halfway thru the movie
Mostly they're standing around, talking and not doing anything.
You can see the remnants of a decent movie,
like here where Miles Teller wakes up on a hospital bed looking like Lanky Kong.
But we'll never know what the movie was supposed to be because nobody cares.
There's nobody out there saying hashtag release the Trank cut.
I want them to go see…uh…uh… just a really really great movie.
Uh…something that is…uh… different from…uh…
Dr. Doom is the…top 5 greatest characters
that ever come off of a comic book
…uh…you know…panel.
Science is really cool and…this is something that I think, you know
Uh…hopefully…umm…
So 2015 was another tie
with Fifty Shades of Grey also being awarded Worst Picture.
This is another movie where I'm like,
what can I possibly say about this that hasn't been said already?
It's based on an erotic novel that started out as a Twilight Fanfiction,
the stars have no chemistry
and nothing about their relationship is believable.
The movie spawned that Love Me Like You Do song
that's haunted retail workers for almost a decade now.
It's just a bad movie.
It's boring and bad and it made over 500 million dollars
so rather than repeat the same things a hundred other YouTubers have said
I'll just leave you with a little mental image.
See, this movie came out on Valentine's Day 2015.
I want you to imagine all the thousands of couples
who went to see this on Valentine's Day.
I want you to visualize Kayllynn and Greg
from Sugar Land, Texas
who went to see this at the local AMC on Valentine's Day.
I want you to visualize Kayllynn giving Greg a dry handjob
in the back of the theater, 40 minutes into the movie.
Visualize them going to Applebees after
to eat a slightly burnt chicken breast
and some unseasoned broccoli.
I want you to visualize—
If you don't know already,
Dinesh D'Souza is a far-right political commentator
who's been releasing propaganda films every year since 2012.
He also pleaded guilty to campaign finance fraud in 2014
and was sentenced to 5 years probation.
During which, he made
Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party.
Released in the summer of 2016,
Hillary's America is a movie that claims it's a documentary
but aside from a few news clips and scripted-sounding interviews,
much of the movie is either historical reenactments
or D'Souza talking to terrible actors
and trying to pass it off as documentary footage.
The movie opens with D'Souza being sentenced for fraud
which he claims was a Democratic conspiracy to shut him up
and from there he goes to prison
and starts interviewing other prisoners about how gangs work
You know, gangs are all about stealing, man.
What's the biggest gang?
Right in your face.
Politicians, man.
- How does a gang make money? - Any way they can, you know?
Trafficking, smuggling, stealing, extortion,
Yeah, but how do they pull it off?
Later on, he visits the Democratic National Headquarters
and it's all done up to look like a high-tech museum
for the glory of the Democratic Party.
Then he sneaks into the restricted part of the building
and breaks into the secret archives
to reveal the secret information
that is literally in the curriculum in 8th Grade US History.
Like, "Hey guys, did you know that
most of the slave owners in the Civil War were Democrats?
Wow, isn't that crazy? How come nobody's talking about this?"
The sad truth is this movie
sold 13 million dollars worth of tickets when it came out.
Which means that hundreds of thousands of very gullible Americans
saw this in theaters.
And many probably dragged their impressionable kids
when all they wanted to do was play the new Pokémon Go that just came out.
It's depressing to think about.
2016 was a very dark time.
But I try to figure out how we get them to have Pokémon Go to the polls.
(cheering)
Hey guys, I'm sorry, I can't talk about the Emoji Movie.
You see, on a hot summer day in 2017, I actually saw The Emoji Movie in theaters
in a room full of screaming, sugared up children.
If you think this movie looks bad enough on its own, watch it completely sober
while a 7 year old kicks your chair the whole time.
I just can't relive the trauma of that day again.
So I pass this one off to the trash guy.
Young Junko. He was the best lawyer who ever lived.
But decidingly the hammer of justice made him his walnut.
And under the pressure, he cracked.
By his side, he had only left this note.
Sad face, cry face, trash can, water gun, squirt, sad face.
Watch the Emoji Movie in theaters for more info.
Emoji Movie is the cinematic equivalent of seeing an ad for Cricket Wireless
on the side of the bus.
It's the same artistic merit.
It's hard to look at it without
thinking of the evolution of 3D animation as a craft
in the last 4 years, how the medium improved over time,
not just in fidelity, but the heartfelt boundary-pushing storytelling
that made animated characters come across as more tangible.
And exploring the worlds they inhabited in a surreal way,
and all that led to this, a movie about emojis.
On a kid's cell phone.
It's so impersonal, it's not like Toy Story,
where Andy and the Toys have a clear relationship.
In Emoji Land, you get scanned whenever the kid picks you for the text message.
Like why is this kid only texting in emojis?
He's like a little man slut.
The whole plot being, he wants to text a girl in his class, and that's it.
He has no connection to these characters, they're just a button on his phone.
It's so pointless.
The world's not interesting at all.
The main character, Gene, is supposed to be the Meh emoji,
but he's malfunctioning, so he goes on a quest with Hand Emoji
and Jailbreak, an elite emo hacker girl emoji with blue hair
who can access the cloud and see all the Rule 34 of herself
made over the years.
- Oh! - [Hand] Suck it in!
No, stop it!
[Junko] It's a movie made specifically for
loud drunk parents circa 2017 to take their iPad kids to
so they run around, pick their ass while they shove ads up their eyeballs
You've got whole scenes explaining Candy Crush,
Just Dance, and Spotify.
It's as shameless and corporate as an animated movie could possibly be.
I'm sure some belligerently wasted parent in the theater
howled with laughter when James Corden, Hand Emoji, said "Bye Felicia."
- Bye Felicia!
I wouldn't know, because the first time I saw Emoji Movie
was at 2 AM on a hacked Amazon Fire Stick
plugged into my friend's portable CRT.
That's just about the viewing experience this movie deserves.
But hey, for as much as a soulless cash grab
that the Emoji Movie was,
there is one good thing about it.
And that's that it is inadvertently responsible
for causing Jordan Peele to make Get Out.
Holmes & Watson was the much anticipated reunion
between John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell
a duo that starred in a couple of smash hit comedies in the mid-2000s.
So when this movie released to atrocious reviews,
it left some people scratching their head wondering
how two guys who worked so well together before,
could fuck up a movie this bad.
And trust me, no matter what your sense of humor is,
this movie is bad.
It's not funny, at all,
not even a little bit.
It's just boring and hard to watch.
Right, I know. He's an onanist.
- Yes. - What's an onanist?
He, let's see.
He pours his own tea.
He likes to create his own sauce.
He is a saucier.
And the name of his restaurant is Crotch Kitchen.
On a daily basis, he creams his own eclair.
[Evasive] The plot is impossible to follow,
the jokes fall flat on their face,
and some of them were already dated
by the time the movie came out.
Compared to Tallaadega Nights and Stepbrothers,
everything about their delivery here just feels off.
And the blame probably rests with writer-director Etan Cohen.
Not to be confused with Ethan Coen. No.
Etan Cohen is a writer who built a pretty decent resumé
in the 90s and the 2000s
and decided to branch out into directing
with Get Hard in 2015.
Holmes & Watson was his second attempt at directing
and possibly his last
because the movie just barely didn't break even.
And since its release, Cohen seems to turn exclusively to writing.
My theory is, the man didn't know how to direct Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly.
He just got them together and assumed their chemistry would carry the movie.
Because the whole thing feels like he just dressed them up in Victorian Era clothes and said
"Just do whatever you want. We'll edit it down to just the funny parts."
And then surprise.
None of it was funny.
[Holmes] You know what I've found,
to take the most attractive photographs,
you need to purse your lips together like a duck-billed platypus.
[Watson] Platypus face!
Chins up!
Hey!
Hey! Hey, girl!
Cats is a hilarious movie.
It is so funny for all the wrong reasons.
I saw this in theaters when it came out
after eating a couple of very powerful weed gummies
and it is an experience I will remember for the rest of my life.
It's unlike any other movie ever made.
It really is.
♫ Wuddly-wah, wuddly-wah ♫
It's dinner and a show.
♫ Wuddly-wah, wuddly-wah ♫
♫ A-dooba-dooba-doo ♫
♫ Tak-pity-pak-pity-pak ♫
Released at the tail end of 2019,
Cats was an act of pure hubris from director Tom Hooper,
who was well known in Hollywood at this point for directing
the King's Speech, Les Misérables, and The Danish Girl.
Well I guess Tommy Boy got pretty full of himself after all those award-winners,
because for his next project, he proceeded to blow a hundred million dollars
on a film adaptation of Cats: The Musical.
Behind the scenes, Hooper rushed the movie out the door
so it could release in time for Christmas.
And in the process, treated the animators like complete shit.
Anonymous sources later reported that Hooper knew nothing about animation,
made them work 90-hour weeks for months,
and was horrible, disrespectful, demeaning, and condescending
toward everyone.
One source said that Hooper talked to the animators
like they were garbage
and even compared their time working on cats to slavery.
It's been a few years now since Cats released,
and Tom Hooper hasn't been heard from since.
So I think it's safe to assume that those allegations were completely true
and he won't be making a comeback any time soon.
At this point, I'd like to play you a song from the movie
but YouTube would probably demonetize me if I did that.
So instead I'm gonna play you a public service announcement from the 80s.
An accident? An accident?
Accident.
The humans have an accident.
There was a child in the car.
A child?
Cats have 9 lives, children only one,
help them live their life, buckle them into a car seat,
no one wants a child to become a memory.
♫ Memory, all alone in the moonlight. ♫
So Absolute Proof is not a movie.
For the first time in Razzie history,
the Razzies gave Worst Picture
to something that was not a movie.
This is a 2-hour long special
that aired on One America News in February 2021
where Mike Lindell, the MyPillow guy,
bought airtime to prove that the 2020 election was hacked by China,
using statistics that were proven to be fake,
and interviewing experts that don't have any real credentials.
This special was also uploaded on YouTube,
but was quickly taken down for spreading false information.
I was hoping it would be at least unintentionally funny,
but it's just really boring to watch.
- It's mostly the MyPillow guy saying - Woah.
talking about voting data that was given to him by a fraudster.
At one point, he brings out a guy who claims he invented e-mail.
You know, from creating e-mail and all these systems.
I know the power of machines.
Yeah, he created e-mails. The creator of e-mails.
I don't know, I don't have anything to say about this one.
It's not a movie.
So this is also not a movie.
Diana The Musical is a Broadway show
that was planned to open on March 31st, 2020.
Obviously, that didn't pan out, but in summer of 2020
they were able to get the cast together to make a recording of the show.
With heavy COVID restrictions and with no audience, of course.
Then, for some bizarre reason,
they decided to release that recording on Netflix on October 2021
a whole month before the show reopened on Broadway.
Obviously, this was the dumbest possible thing they could've ever done
because why would anyone who isn't a hardcore House Windsor stan
pay over a hundred dollars for a Broadway ticket to this cringefest
when they could just watch the cringefest for free at home.
This show was a complete flop,
performing to a half-full theater every night for a month,
until the producers put the show out of its misery
and cancelled it on December 19.
Even if it hadn't been dumped on Netflix before it opened,
it still probably would've flopped
because it's every bit as tone deaf as the title suggests.
The lyrics sound like a 14 year old girl saw Hamilton and Newsies a few times
and was like, "Oh my gosh, I can do that too!"
except it wasn't written by a 14 year old girl,
it was written by a Tony Award-winning playwright in his 50s.
Here is just a sample of some of the lyrics this show throws at you.
♫ Alright, I'm no intellect. ♫
♫ But maybe there's a discotheque ♫
♫ where the prince could hear some Prince ♫
♫ and we'd all get funkadelic ♫
♫ You thought I was a ninny, ♫
♫ you could mold me as you like. ♫
♫ Well the skinny on that ninny ♫
♫ is she's really rather bright. ♫
♫ I just got a ticket to the main event ♫
♫ It's the Thrilla in Manila but with Diana and Camilla ♫
Directed by eccentric auteur Andrew Dominik,
Blonde is the most recent Worst Picture winner as the time I made this video
and probably the most controversial winner since Showgirls.
It's a nearly 3 hour long, NC-17 rated movie
about the life of Marilyn Monroe
that takes extreme liberties with her life story
because it's actually based on a historical fiction novel
by Joyce Carol Oates.
The reviews of this thing were all over the place.
When it premiered at the Venice Film Festival,
it received a 14-minute long standing ovation
and early critic reviews were extremely positive.
Then it released on Netflix a few weeks later
and the drama started.
On the positive end, the movie got praised for its stunning cinematography
and for Anna De Armas' performance as Monroe.
On the negative end, the movie was criticized for being
exploitative, sexist, and dehumanizing,
and for brutally depicting Marilyn Monroe
as a helpless girl relentlessly abused by the Hollywood system
when her real life story was much more complicated than that.
And it certainly doesn't help that
Andrew Dominik doubled down on it, after the film's release,
saying, "Criticism only hurts if you agree with it,
and I didn't agree with any of it.
She's dead, the movie doesn't make any difference to her one way or another.
What they mean is that the film exploited their memory of her, the image of her,
which is fair enough. It does. That's the whole point of the movie.
That's the whole problem with Marilyn Monroe.
Everybody feels like they know her and what's best for her."
I don't know about you guys,
I could speak on this movie more,
but I don't want to.
This is the last movie on this list
and I'm tapping out.
I don't wanna see any of you in the comments saying,
"Oh, Eva tapping out.
Eva not giving her real opinion.
You're being evasive.
You can't do that."
Thank god this is over.
My eyeballs and my brain are absolutely fried right now.
I don't have a single thought left in my head.
But let me go ahead and summarize my thoughts
by sorting all these movies into 4 categories.
These categories are
Boring Bad, Funny Bad, Not That Bad,
and Crimes against Humanity.
And there we go.
I am Evasive,
thank you to my Patreon supporters,
thank you to all of you for watching,
and thank you so much to my guests
for contributing to this video.
And hey, Razzie people, if you're watching,
Hi.
Invite me to the show sometime, maybe.
Honestly I think you guys are a little cringey
and you've made some very questionable decisions in the past
but like…I don't care.
In the meantime, we're going to do
literally anything else besides watching movies.
You know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna look at some clouds.
Ooh, and touch grass.
Oh I can't remember the last time I touched grass.
I'm gonna go outside, look at some clouds,
and touch grass.
Ok, bye guys.