1 00:00:00,460 --> 00:00:02,430 You know, I often joke about tensions 2 00:00:02,430 --> 00:00:04,810 between me and the press, but 3 00:00:04,810 --> 00:00:07,570 honestly, what they say doesn't bother me. 4 00:00:07,570 --> 00:00:09,980 I understand we've got an adversarial system. 5 00:00:09,980 --> 00:00:11,940 I'm a mellow sort of guy. 6 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:16,960 And that's why I invited Luther, my anger translator 7 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,600 to join me here tonight. 8 00:00:35,390 --> 00:00:39,170 Hold on to your lily-white butts. 9 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,780 In our fast changing world 10 00:00:42,780 --> 00:00:45,810 traditions like the White House Correspondents' dinner are important. 11 00:00:45,810 --> 00:00:47,330 I mean, really! 12 00:00:48,270 --> 00:00:50,400 What is this dinner?! 13 00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,820 And why am I required to come to it?! 14 00:00:55,730 --> 00:00:59,440 Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this? 15 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,150 Because despite our differences 16 00:01:01,150 --> 00:01:02,540 we count on the press 17 00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:05,090 to shed light on the most important issues of the day. 18 00:01:05,090 --> 00:01:06,690 And we can count on Fox news 19 00:01:06,690 --> 00:01:09,900 to terrify old white people with some nonsense. 20 00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:16,210 Sharia laws coming to Cleveland, run for the damn hills! 21 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,460 Y'alls ridiculous. 22 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:20,860 We won't always see eye-to-eye. 23 00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:25,740 Oh, and CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage. 24 00:01:25,740 --> 00:01:27,560 For two whole weeks 25 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:30,310 we were one step away from "The Walking Dead." 26 00:01:31,330 --> 00:01:34,610 And then y'all got up and just moved on to the next thing. 27 00:01:35,150 --> 00:01:36,120 That was awesome. 28 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:39,200 Oh, and by the way, just if you haven't noticed 29 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,230 you don't have Ebola! 30 00:01:43,090 --> 00:01:46,140 But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do. 31 00:01:47,420 --> 00:01:50,720 Y'all remember when I had that big old hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico? 32 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,570 and then I plugged it!? 33 00:01:53,270 --> 00:01:54,350 Remember that?! 34 00:01:54,350 --> 00:01:57,500 Which "Obama's Katrina" was that one? 35 00:01:57,500 --> 00:02:01,220 Was that 19 or was it 20, because I can't remember. 36 00:02:02,540 --> 00:02:06,300 Protecting our democracy is more important than ever. 37 00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:09,630 For example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz 38 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:12,600 $6 million was just exercising free speech. 39 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,050 Yeah, that's the kind of speech like this 40 00:02:15,050 --> 00:02:17,640 "I just wasted $6 million." 41 00:02:20,030 --> 00:02:21,900 And it's not just Republicans. 42 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:24,860 Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money too. 43 00:02:24,860 --> 00:02:27,070 Oh yeah. 44 00:02:28,340 --> 00:02:30,820 She's going to get that money! 45 00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:34,540 She's going to get all the money! 46 00:02:35,820 --> 00:02:39,540 Khaleesi is coming to Westeros! 47 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:45,010 So watch out! 48 00:02:48,410 --> 00:02:51,060 The nonstop focus on billionaire donors creates 49 00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:52,880 real problems for our democracy. 50 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,150 And that's why we running for our third term! 51 00:02:55,150 --> 00:02:56,110 No we're not. 52 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:57,010 -We're not? -No. 53 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,960 Who the hell said that!? 54 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,410 But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges. 55 00:03:04,410 --> 00:03:05,340 Like climate change. 56 00:03:05,340 --> 00:03:07,070 Hey listen y'all, if you haven't noticed 57 00:03:07,070 --> 00:03:11,260 California is bone dry! 58 00:03:11,260 --> 00:03:15,350 It looks like a trailer for the new Mad Max movie up in there. 59 00:03:16,140 --> 00:03:20,660 Y'all think that Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd? 60 00:03:22,190 --> 00:03:24,530 He needed a glass of water! 61 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,840 Come on! 62 00:03:27,470 --> 00:03:29,170 The science is clear. 63 00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:31,960 The science is clear. 64 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:37,310 Nine out of the ten hottest years ever came in the last decade. 65 00:03:37,310 --> 00:03:40,790 Now, I'm not a scientist but I do know how to count to ten. 66 00:03:40,790 --> 00:03:43,530 Rising seas, more violent storms 67 00:03:43,530 --> 00:03:45,150 You got mosquitoes 68 00:03:45,150 --> 00:03:48,570 sweaty people on the train, stinking it up. 69 00:03:48,570 --> 00:03:50,250 It's just nasty. 70 00:03:50,250 --> 00:03:52,940 I mean look at... what... who 71 00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:55,140 Look at what's happening right now. 72 00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:57,250 Every serious scientist says we need to act. 73 00:03:57,250 --> 00:03:58,020 Yeah. 74 00:03:58,020 --> 00:04:01,280 The Pentagon says it's a national security risk. 75 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,140 Miami floods on a sunny day and 76 00:04:04,140 --> 00:04:08,220 instead of doing anything about it, we've got elected officials throwing snow balls in the Senate! 77 00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:09,120 -Okay, okay, Mr.- -It's a- 78 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:10,490 Okay, I think I got it bro. 79 00:04:10,490 --> 00:04:12,270 It is crazy. 80 00:04:12,270 --> 00:04:13,890 -What about our kids!? -Okay. 81 00:04:13,890 --> 00:04:16,279 What kind of stupid, short-sighted 82 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:18,209 irresponsible bull- 83 00:04:18,209 --> 00:04:20,100 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 84 00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:20,630 Hey! 85 00:04:20,630 --> 00:04:21,589 -What!? -What? 86 00:04:21,589 --> 00:04:22,690 What? No, hey! 87 00:04:31,460 --> 00:04:33,040 What? 88 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,240 All due respect, sir 89 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,080 you don't need an anger translator. 90 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:39,640 You need counseling. 91 00:04:40,650 --> 00:04:41,930 So now I'm out of here. 92 00:04:41,930 --> 00:04:44,560 I ain't trying to get into all this. 93 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,370 Go. 94 00:04:57,580 --> 00:04:59,040 He crazy. 95 00:05:03,010 --> 00:05:05,860 Luther, my anger translator, ladies and gentleman.