You know, I often joke about tensions
between me and the press, but
honestly, what they say doesn't bother me.
I understand we've got an adversarial system.
I'm a mellow sort of guy.
And that's why I invited Luther, my anger translator
to join me here tonight.
Hold on to your lily-white butts.
In our fast changing world
traditions like the White House Correspondents' dinner are important.
I mean, really!
What is this dinner?!
And why am I required to come to it?!
Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this?
Because despite our differences
we count on the press
to shed light on the most important issues of the day.
And we can count on Fox news
to terrify old white people with some nonsense.
Sharia laws coming to Cleveland, run for the damn hills!
Y'alls ridiculous.
We won't always see eye-to-eye.
Oh, and CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage.
For two whole weeks
we were one step away from "The Walking Dead."
And then y'all got up and just moved on to the next thing.
That was awesome.
Oh, and by the way, just if you haven't noticed
you don't have Ebola!
But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do.
Y'all remember when I had that big old hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico?
and then I plugged it!?
Remember that?!
Which "Obama's Katrina" was that one?
Was that 19 or was it 20, because I can't remember.
Protecting our democracy is more important than ever.
For example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz
$6 million was just exercising free speech.
Yeah, that's the kind of speech like this
"I just wasted $6 million."
And it's not just Republicans.
Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money too.
Oh yeah.
She's going to get that money!
She's going to get all the money!
Khaleesi is coming to Westeros!
So watch out!
The nonstop focus on billionaire donors creates
real problems for our democracy.
And that's why we running for our third term!
No we're not.
-We're not? -No.
Who the hell said that!?
But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges.
Like climate change.
Hey listen y'all, if you haven't noticed
California is bone dry!
It looks like a trailer for the new Mad Max movie up in there.
Y'all think that Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd?
He needed a glass of water!
Come on!
The science is clear.
Nine out of the ten hottest years ever came in the last decade.
Now, I'm not a scientist but I do know how to count to ten.
Rising seas, more violent storms
You got mosquitoes
sweaty people on the train, stinking it up.
It's just nasty.
I mean look at... what... who
Look at what's happening right now.
Every serious scientist says we need to act.
Yeah.
The Pentagon says it's a national security risk.
Miami floods on a sunny day and
instead of doing anything about it, we've got elected officials throwing snow balls in the Senate!
-Okay, okay, Mr.- -It's a-
Okay, I think I got it bro.
It is crazy.
-What about our kids!? -Okay.
What kind of stupid, short-sighted
irresponsible bull-
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey!
-What!? -What?
What? No, hey!
What?
All due respect, sir
you don't need an anger translator.
You need counseling.
So now I'm out of here.
I ain't trying to get into all this.
Go.
He crazy.
Luther, my anger translator, ladies and gentleman.