0:00:00.928,0:00:02.349
Why do we cheat?

0:00:04.420,0:00:06.928
And why do happy people cheat?

0:00:08.641,0:00:13.447
And when we say "infidelity,"[br]what exactly do we mean?

0:00:14.207,0:00:20.586
Is it a hookup, a love story,[br]paid sex, a chat room,

0:00:20.586,0:00:22.625
a massage with a happy ending?

0:00:24.356,0:00:29.494
Why do we think that men cheat[br]out of boredom and fear of intimacy,

0:00:29.494,0:00:34.256
but women cheat out of loneliness[br]and hunger for intimacy?

0:00:35.769,0:00:39.999
And is an affair always[br]the end of a relationship?

0:00:41.294,0:00:44.490
For the past 10 years,[br]I have traveled the globe

0:00:44.490,0:00:47.535
and worked extensively[br]with hundreds of couples

0:00:47.535,0:00:49.722
who have been shattered by infidelity.

0:00:50.999,0:00:54.602
There is one simple act of transgression

0:00:54.641,0:00:58.990
that can rob a couple[br]of their relationship,

0:00:59.015,0:01:03.245
their happiness and their[br]very identity: an affair.

0:01:03.903,0:01:09.117
And yet, this extremely common[br]act is so poorly understood.

0:01:10.593,0:01:15.224
So this talk is for anyone[br]who has ever loved.

0:01:17.681,0:01:21.525
Adultery has existed[br]since marriage was invented,

0:01:21.525,0:01:24.070
and so, too, the taboo against it.

0:01:25.094,0:01:30.827
In fact, infidelity has a tenacity[br]that marriage can only envy,

0:01:30.827,0:01:34.285
so much so, that this is[br]the only commandment

0:01:34.289,0:01:38.221
that is repeated twice in the Bible:

0:01:38.221,0:01:42.325
once for doing it, and once[br]just for thinking about it.

0:01:42.349,0:01:44.595
(Laughter)

0:01:44.619,0:01:48.922
So how do we reconcile[br]what is universally forbidden,

0:01:48.922,0:01:51.367
yet universally practiced?

0:01:53.058,0:01:58.036
Now, throughout history, men[br]practically had a license to cheat

0:01:58.036,0:02:00.331
with little consequence,

0:02:00.331,0:02:04.739
and supported by a host[br]of biological and evolutionary theories

0:02:04.739,0:02:07.315
that justified their need to roam,

0:02:07.315,0:02:11.292
so the double standard[br]is as old as adultery itself.

0:02:12.403,0:02:17.716
But who knows what's really going on[br]under the sheets there, right?

0:02:17.920,0:02:19.752
Because when it comes to sex,

0:02:19.776,0:02:23.939
the pressure for men[br]is to boast and to exaggerate,

0:02:23.939,0:02:29.484
but the pressure for women[br]is to hide, minimize and deny,

0:02:29.484,0:02:33.710
which isn't surprising when you consider[br]that there are still nine countries

0:02:33.710,0:02:36.234
where women can be killed for straying.

0:02:37.825,0:02:42.420
Now, monogamy used to be[br]one person for life.

0:02:42.912,0:02:45.515
Today, monogamy is one person at a time.

0:02:46.268,0:02:48.133
(Laughter)

0:02:48.158,0:02:50.023
(Applause)

0:02:52.364,0:02:54.300
I mean, many of you probably have said,

0:02:54.300,0:02:56.888
"I am monogamous in all my relationships."

0:02:57.460,0:02:59.863
(Laughter)

0:03:00.617,0:03:02.260
We used to marry,

0:03:02.260,0:03:04.169
and had sex for the first time.

0:03:04.614,0:03:06.076
But now we marry,

0:03:06.076,0:03:08.003
and we stop having sex with others.

0:03:09.455,0:03:13.677
The fact is that monogamy[br]had nothing to do with love.

0:03:14.332,0:03:16.895
Men relied on women's fidelity

0:03:16.919,0:03:19.959
in order to know whose children these are,

0:03:19.959,0:03:22.300
and who gets the cows when I die.

0:03:24.205,0:03:26.655
Now, everyone wants to know

0:03:26.655,0:03:28.403
what percentage of people cheat.

0:03:28.403,0:03:31.634
I've been asked that question[br]since I arrived at this conference.

0:03:31.658,0:03:34.236
(Laughter)

0:03:34.260,0:03:35.640
It applies to you.

0:03:36.466,0:03:40.959
But the definition of infidelity[br]keeps on expanding:

0:03:40.959,0:03:46.021
sexting, watching porn, staying[br]secretly active on dating apps.

0:03:46.332,0:03:50.817
So because there is no[br]universally agreed-upon definition

0:03:50.817,0:03:53.956
of what even constitutes an infidelity,

0:03:53.956,0:03:59.586
estimates vary widely,[br]from 26 percent to 75 percent.

0:04:00.728,0:04:03.959
But on top of it, we are[br]walking contradictions.

0:04:04.173,0:04:07.792
So 95 percent of us will say[br]that it is terribly wrong

0:04:07.792,0:04:10.969
for our partner to lie[br]about having an affair,

0:04:10.969,0:04:13.190
but just about the same[br]amount of us will say

0:04:13.214,0:04:16.348
that that's exactly what we[br]would do if we were having one.

0:04:16.372,0:04:18.808
(Laughter)

0:04:19.872,0:04:23.577
Now, I like this definition[br]of an affair --

0:04:23.577,0:04:27.326
it brings together the three key elements:

0:04:27.326,0:04:33.032
a secretive relationship,[br]which is the core structure of an affair;

0:04:33.032,0:04:37.826
an emotional connection[br]to one degree or another;

0:04:37.826,0:04:39.466
and a sexual alchemy.

0:04:40.355,0:04:43.337
And alchemy is the key word here,

0:04:43.337,0:04:50.265
because the erotic frisson is such that[br]the kiss that you only imagine giving,

0:04:50.265,0:04:53.349
can be as powerful and as enchanting

0:04:53.349,0:04:55.839
as hours of actual lovemaking.

0:04:57.759,0:04:59.315
As Marcel Proust said,

0:04:59.340,0:05:04.640
it's our imagination that is responsible[br]for love, not the other person.

0:05:05.902,0:05:09.758
So it's never been easier to cheat,

0:05:09.762,0:05:13.235
and it's never been more[br]difficult to keep a secret.

0:05:13.999,0:05:18.459
And never has infidelity exacted[br]such a psychological toll.

0:05:19.975,0:05:23.342
When marriage was an economic enterprise,

0:05:23.342,0:05:26.308
infidelity threatened[br]our economic security.

0:05:27.083,0:05:29.959
But now that marriage[br]is a romantic arrangement,

0:05:29.959,0:05:33.779
infidelity threatens[br]our emotional security.

0:05:33.779,0:05:38.040
Ironically, we used to turn to adultery --

0:05:38.040,0:05:41.269
that was the space where[br]we sought pure love.

0:05:41.293,0:05:43.482
But now that we seek love in marriage,

0:05:43.482,0:05:45.142
adultery destroys it.

0:05:46.943,0:05:51.347
Now, there are three ways that I think[br]infidelity hurts differently today.

0:05:53.800,0:05:59.613
We have a romantic ideal[br]in which we turn to one person

0:05:59.613,0:06:02.810
to fulfill an endless list of needs:

0:06:02.810,0:06:06.410
to be my greatest lover, my best friend,

0:06:06.410,0:06:09.563
the best parent, my trusted confidant,

0:06:09.563,0:06:12.657
my emotional companion,[br]my intellectual equal.

0:06:13.625,0:06:17.929
And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique,

0:06:17.929,0:06:21.245
I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable,

0:06:21.245,0:06:22.435
I'm the one.

0:06:23.356,0:06:26.514
And infidelity tells me I'm not.

0:06:27.308,0:06:29.197
It is the ultimate betrayal.

0:06:29.999,0:06:33.125
Infidelity shatters[br]the grand ambition of love.

0:06:34.680,0:06:39.561
But if throughout history,[br]infidelity has always been painful,

0:06:39.561,0:06:41.919
today it is often traumatic,

0:06:41.919,0:06:44.720
because it threatens our sense of self.

0:06:45.054,0:06:47.823
So my patient Fernando, he's plagued.

0:06:47.847,0:06:50.595
He goes on: "I thought I knew my life.

0:06:50.595,0:06:54.801
I thought I knew who you were,[br]who we were as a couple, who I was.

0:06:54.801,0:06:57.022
Now, I question everything."

0:06:57.632,0:07:02.819
Infidelity -- a violation of trust,[br]a crisis of identity.

0:07:02.819,0:07:05.124
"Can I ever trust you again?" he asks.

0:07:05.148,0:07:07.450
"Can I ever trust anyone again?"

0:07:08.824,0:07:11.905
And this is also what my patient[br]Heather is telling me,

0:07:11.905,0:07:14.532
when she's talking to me[br]about her story with Nick.

0:07:14.532,0:07:15.982
Married, two kids.

0:07:15.982,0:07:18.659
Nick just left on a business trip,

0:07:18.659,0:07:22.190
and Heather is playing[br]on his iPad with the boys,

0:07:22.190,0:07:25.127
when she sees a message[br]appear on the screen:

0:07:25.127,0:07:26.665
"Can't wait to see you."

0:07:27.625,0:07:30.054
Strange, she thinks,[br]we just saw each other.

0:07:30.863,0:07:32.379
And then another message:

0:07:32.903,0:07:35.140
"Can't wait to hold you in my arms."

0:07:35.999,0:07:38.243
And Heather realizes

0:07:38.243,0:07:39.611
these are not for her.

0:07:40.435,0:07:43.808
She also tells me[br]that her father had affairs,

0:07:43.812,0:07:47.753
but her mother, she found[br]one little receipt in the pocket,

0:07:47.777,0:07:49.935
and a little bit of lipstick[br]on the collar.

0:07:51.221,0:07:54.610
Heather, she goes digging,

0:07:54.610,0:07:57.673
and she finds hundreds of messages,

0:07:57.673,0:08:01.086
and photos exchanged[br]and desires expressed.

0:08:01.420,0:08:04.118
The vivid details[br]of Nick's two-year affair

0:08:04.118,0:08:07.300
unfold in front of her in real time,

0:08:07.999,0:08:09.272
And it made me think:

0:08:09.272,0:08:14.318
Affairs in the digital age[br]are death by a thousand cuts.

0:08:15.854,0:08:19.113
But then we have another paradox[br]that we're dealing with these days.

0:08:19.113,0:08:21.417
Because of this romantic ideal,

0:08:21.417,0:08:26.475
we are relying on our partner's[br]fidelity with a unique fervor.

0:08:26.999,0:08:30.544
But we also have never[br]been more inclined to stray,

0:08:30.544,0:08:33.255
and not because we have new desires today,

0:08:33.255,0:08:35.001
but because we live in an era

0:08:35.001,0:08:38.682
where we feel that we are[br]entitled to pursue our desires,

0:08:38.682,0:08:42.138
because this is the culture[br]where I deserve to be happy.

0:08:43.268,0:08:47.031
And if we used to divorce[br]because we were unhappy,

0:08:47.035,0:08:49.864
today we divorce[br]because we could be happier.

0:08:51.562,0:08:54.847
And if divorce carried all the shame,

0:08:54.847,0:08:58.738
today, choosing to stay when you can leave

0:08:58.738,0:09:00.102
is the new shame.

0:09:00.657,0:09:03.168
So Heather, she can't talk to her friends

0:09:03.168,0:09:06.429
because she's afraid that they[br]will judge her for still loving Nick,

0:09:06.429,0:09:09.977
and everywhere she turns,[br]she gets the same advice:

0:09:09.977,0:09:12.602
Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb.

0:09:13.744,0:09:18.737
And if the situation were reversed,[br]Nick would be in the same situation.

0:09:19.070,0:09:21.364
Staying is the new shame.

0:09:23.395,0:09:26.359
So if we can divorce,

0:09:26.359,0:09:28.455
why do we still have affairs?

0:09:29.999,0:09:34.563
Now, the typical assumption[br]is that if someone cheats,

0:09:34.563,0:09:38.408
either there's something wrong[br]in your relationship or wrong with you.

0:09:39.440,0:09:42.686
But millions of people[br]can't all be pathological.

0:09:44.383,0:09:48.291
The logic goes like this: If you[br]have everything you need at home,

0:09:48.291,0:09:51.715
then there is no need[br]to go looking elsewhere,

0:09:51.715,0:09:55.182
assuming that there is such[br]a thing as a perfect marriage

0:09:55.187,0:09:58.038
that will inoculate us against wanderlust.

0:09:59.165,0:10:02.499
But what if passion[br]has a finite shelf life?

0:10:03.624,0:10:07.338
What if there are things[br]that even a good relationship

0:10:07.338,0:10:08.743
can never provide?

0:10:10.187,0:10:13.202
If even happy people cheat,

0:10:13.202,0:10:14.798
what is it about?

0:10:16.765,0:10:19.641
The vast majority of people[br]that I actually work with

0:10:19.641,0:10:22.425
are not at all chronic philanderers.

0:10:22.429,0:10:26.475
They are often people who are[br]deeply monogamous in their beliefs,

0:10:26.475,0:10:28.048
and at least for their partner.

0:10:28.865,0:10:31.501
But they find themselves in a conflict

0:10:31.501,0:10:34.540
between their values and their behavior.

0:10:35.572,0:10:39.935
They often are people who have[br]actually been faithful for decades,

0:10:39.935,0:10:42.574
but one day they cross a line

0:10:42.574,0:10:45.047
that they never thought they would cross,

0:10:45.047,0:10:47.794
and at the risk of losing everything.

0:10:48.730,0:10:50.635
But for a glimmer of what?

0:10:51.969,0:10:54.609
Affairs are an act of betrayal,

0:10:54.609,0:10:57.705
and they are also an expression[br]of longing and loss.

0:10:58.610,0:11:02.528
At the heart of an affair,[br]you will often find

0:11:02.528,0:11:06.789
a longing and a yearning[br]for an emotional connection,

0:11:06.789,0:11:12.559
for novelty, for freedom,[br]for autonomy, for sexual intensity,

0:11:12.559,0:11:16.226
a wish to recapture[br]lost parts of ourselves

0:11:16.226,0:11:21.540
or an attempt to bring back[br]vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.

0:11:22.849,0:11:25.766
I'm thinking about[br]another patient of mine, Priya,

0:11:25.766,0:11:28.382
who is blissfully married,

0:11:28.382,0:11:29.847
loves her husband,

0:11:29.847,0:11:32.230
and would never want to hurt the man.

0:11:32.713,0:11:34.831
But she also tells me

0:11:34.831,0:11:38.005
that she's always done[br]what was expected of her:

0:11:38.005,0:11:41.685
good girl, good wife, good mother,

0:11:41.685,0:11:44.677
taking care of her immigrant parents.

0:11:44.677,0:11:49.189
Priya, she fell for the arborist[br]who removed the tree from her yard

0:11:49.214,0:11:50.675
after Hurricane Sandy.

0:11:51.524,0:11:56.087
And with his truck and his tattoos,[br]he's quite the opposite of her.

0:11:57.547,0:12:02.769
But at 47, Priya's affair is about[br]the adolescence that she never had.

0:12:03.753,0:12:09.030
And her story highlights for me[br]that when we seek the gaze of another,

0:12:09.030,0:12:13.748
it isn't always our partner[br]that we are turning away from,

0:12:13.748,0:12:16.585
but the person that[br]we have ourselves become.

0:12:17.728,0:12:21.274
And it isn't so much that we're[br]looking for another person,

0:12:21.274,0:12:24.816
as much as we are[br]looking for another self.

0:12:27.045,0:12:28.602
Now, all over the world,

0:12:28.602,0:12:32.458
there is one word that people[br]who have affairs always tell me.

0:12:33.030,0:12:34.911
They feel alive.

0:12:36.046,0:12:40.286
And they often will tell me[br]stories of recent losses --

0:12:40.286,0:12:42.141
of a parent who died,

0:12:42.141,0:12:44.341
and a friend that went too soon,

0:12:44.341,0:12:46.141
and bad news at the doctor.

0:12:47.482,0:12:52.138
Death and mortality often live[br]in the shadow of an affair,

0:12:52.138,0:12:54.608
because they raise these questions.

0:12:54.632,0:12:57.536
Is this it? Is there more?

0:12:57.901,0:13:00.957
Am I going on for another[br]25 years like this?

0:13:01.870,0:13:04.362
Will I ever feel that thing again?

0:13:06.377,0:13:10.788
And it has led me to think[br]that perhaps these questions

0:13:10.788,0:13:13.947
are the ones that propel[br]people to cross the line,

0:13:13.947,0:13:17.939
and that some affairs are[br]an attempt to beat back deadness,

0:13:17.939,0:13:19.735
in an antidote to death.

0:13:21.999,0:13:24.867
And contrary to what you may think,

0:13:24.867,0:13:29.903
affairs are way less about sex,[br]and a lot more about desire:

0:13:29.903,0:13:33.392
desire for attention,[br]desire to feel special,

0:13:33.392,0:13:35.308
desire to feel important.

0:13:36.237,0:13:39.253
And the very structure of an affair,

0:13:39.277,0:13:41.499
the fact that you can[br]never have your lover,

0:13:41.523,0:13:42.944
keeps you wanting.

0:13:42.968,0:13:45.975
That in itself is a desire machine,

0:13:45.999,0:13:48.752
because the incompleteness, the ambiguity,

0:13:48.777,0:13:51.522
keeps you wanting[br]that which you can't have.

0:13:53.641,0:13:55.173
Now some of you probably think

0:13:55.197,0:13:58.823
that affairs don't happen[br]in open relationships,

0:13:58.847,0:13:59.998
but they do.

0:14:00.432,0:14:03.497
First of all, the conversation[br]about monogamy is not the same

0:14:03.522,0:14:05.743
as the conversation about infidelity.

0:14:06.468,0:14:09.975
But the fact is, that it seems[br]that even when we have

0:14:09.999,0:14:12.658
the freedom to have other sexual partners,

0:14:12.682,0:14:16.736
we still seem to be lured[br]by the power of the forbidden,

0:14:16.760,0:14:20.213
that if we do that which[br]we are not supposed to do,

0:14:20.237,0:14:23.006
then we feel like we are really[br]doing what we want to.

0:14:25.331,0:14:28.951
And I've also told[br]quite a few of my patients

0:14:28.975,0:14:33.562
that if they could bring[br]into their relationships

0:14:33.586,0:14:37.213
one tenth of the boldness,[br]the imagination, and the verve

0:14:37.237,0:14:38.895
that they put into their affairs,

0:14:38.919,0:14:41.124
they probably would never need to see me.

0:14:41.148,0:14:43.148
(Laughter)

0:14:44.362,0:14:46.647
So how do we heal from an affair?

0:14:48.428,0:14:50.347
Desire runs deep.

0:14:50.371,0:14:52.242
Betrayal runs deep.

0:14:53.266,0:14:54.821
But it can be healed.

0:14:55.999,0:14:58.920
And some affairs are death knells

0:14:58.944,0:15:01.682
for relationships that were[br]already dying on the vine.

0:15:02.753,0:15:05.929
But others will jolt us[br]into new possibilities.

0:15:05.953,0:15:07.952
The fact is, the majority of couples

0:15:07.976,0:15:10.150
who have experienced[br]affairs stay together.

0:15:10.766,0:15:13.405
But some of them will merely survive,

0:15:13.429,0:15:18.103
and others will actually be able[br]to turn a crisis into an opportunity.

0:15:18.817,0:15:22.460
They'll be able to turn this[br]into a generative experience.

0:15:22.484,0:15:26.198
And I'm actually thinking even[br]more so for the deceived partner,

0:15:26.222,0:15:27.564
who will often say,

0:15:27.588,0:15:29.390
"You think I didn't want more?

0:15:29.415,0:15:31.207
But I'm not the one who did it."

0:15:31.968,0:15:34.126
But now that the affair is exposed,

0:15:34.150,0:15:36.260
they, too, get to claim more,

0:15:36.284,0:15:38.891
and they no longer have[br]to uphold the status quo

0:15:38.916,0:15:41.800
that may not have been working[br]for them that well, either.

0:15:44.221,0:15:47.126
I've noticed that a lot of couples,

0:15:47.150,0:15:49.277
in the immediate aftermath of an affair,

0:15:49.301,0:15:53.603
because of this new disorder[br]that may actually lead to a new order,

0:15:53.627,0:15:57.175
will have depths of conversations[br]with honesty and openness

0:15:57.199,0:15:58.824
that they haven't had in decades.

0:15:59.743,0:16:02.695
And, partners who were[br]sexually indifferent

0:16:02.720,0:16:05.295
find themselves suddenly[br]so lustfully voracious,

0:16:05.319,0:16:08.634
they don't know where it's coming from.

0:16:08.658,0:16:12.547
Something about the fear[br]of loss will rekindle desire,

0:16:12.571,0:16:15.840
and make way for an entirely[br]new kind of truth.

0:16:18.133,0:16:21.030
So when an affair is exposed,

0:16:21.054,0:16:24.165
what are some of the specific things[br]that couples can do?

0:16:26.133,0:16:30.260
We know from trauma that healing begins

0:16:30.284,0:16:34.196
when the perpetrator[br]acknowledges their wrongdoing.

0:16:35.339,0:16:39.076
So for the partner who had the affair,

0:16:39.100,0:16:40.688
for Nick,

0:16:40.712,0:16:42.443
one thing is to end the affair,

0:16:42.467,0:16:47.975
but the other is the essential,[br]important act of expressing

0:16:47.999,0:16:50.865
guilt and remorse for hurting his wife.

0:16:50.889,0:16:52.350
But the truth is,

0:16:52.374,0:16:55.421
I have noticed that quite a lot[br]of people who have affairs

0:16:55.445,0:16:58.509
may feel terribly guilty[br]for hurting their partner,

0:16:58.533,0:17:01.676
but they don't feel guilty[br]for the experience of the affair itself.

0:17:02.135,0:17:03.976
And that distinction is important.

0:17:05.230,0:17:08.856
And Nick, he needs to hold[br]vigil for the relationship.

0:17:09.293,0:17:12.342
He needs to become, for a while,[br]the protector of the boundaries.

0:17:12.366,0:17:14.975
It's his responsibility to bring it up,

0:17:14.999,0:17:16.975
because if he thinks about it,

0:17:16.999,0:17:19.975
he can relieve Heather from the obsession,

0:17:19.999,0:17:23.975
and from having to make sure[br]that the affair isn't forgotten,

0:17:23.999,0:17:26.332
and that in itself[br]begins to restore trust.

0:17:27.570,0:17:29.435
But for Heather,

0:17:29.459,0:17:31.190
or deceived partners,

0:17:31.214,0:17:35.182
it is essential to do things[br]that bring back a sense of self-worth,

0:17:35.206,0:17:40.245
to surround oneself with love[br]and with friends and activities

0:17:40.269,0:17:43.912
that give back joy[br]and meaning and identity.

0:17:43.936,0:17:45.975
But even more important,

0:17:45.999,0:17:50.808
is to curb the curiosity[br]to mine for the sordid details --

0:17:50.832,0:17:52.975
Where were you? Where did you do it?

0:17:52.999,0:17:56.107
How often? Is she better[br]than me in bed? --

0:17:56.131,0:17:58.531
questions that only inflict more pain,

0:17:58.555,0:17:59.959
and keep you awake at night.

0:18:00.674,0:18:05.396
And instead, switch to what I call[br]the investigative questions,

0:18:05.420,0:18:08.650
the ones that mine[br]the meaning and the motives --

0:18:08.674,0:18:11.213
What did this affair mean for you?

0:18:11.237,0:18:13.975
What were you able to express[br]or experience there,

0:18:13.999,0:18:16.190
that you could no longer do with me?

0:18:16.214,0:18:19.262
What was it like for you[br]when you came home?

0:18:19.286,0:18:22.761
What is it about us that you value?

0:18:22.785,0:18:24.737
Are you pleased this is over?

0:18:26.404,0:18:30.801
Every affair will redefine a relationship,

0:18:30.825,0:18:33.633
and every couple will determine

0:18:33.657,0:18:36.142
what the legacy of the affair will be.

0:18:37.649,0:18:41.411
But affairs are here to stay,[br]and they're not going away.

0:18:42.316,0:18:44.975
And the dilemmas of love and desire,

0:18:44.999,0:18:50.975
don't yield just simple answers[br]of black and white and good and bad,

0:18:50.999,0:18:52.903
and victim and perpetrator.

0:18:54.221,0:18:58.381
Betrayal in a relationship[br]comes in many forms.

0:18:58.406,0:19:00.666
There are many ways[br]that we betray our partner:

0:19:00.690,0:19:02.975
with contempt, with neglect,

0:19:02.999,0:19:05.292
with indifference, with violence.

0:19:05.999,0:19:09.523
Sexual betrayal is only[br]one way to hurt a partner.

0:19:09.547,0:19:12.087
In other words, the victim of an affair

0:19:12.111,0:19:14.983
is not always the victim of the marriage.

0:19:17.840,0:19:20.244
Now, you've listened to me,

0:19:20.268,0:19:22.459
and I know what you're thinking:

0:19:22.483,0:19:26.197
She has a French accent,[br]she must be pro-affair.

0:19:26.697,0:19:29.999
(Laughter)

0:19:31.761,0:19:33.595
So, you're wrong.

0:19:33.619,0:19:35.174
I am not French.

0:19:35.666,0:19:38.119
(Laughter)

0:19:38.143,0:19:41.023
(Applause)

0:19:41.602,0:19:43.269
And I'm not pro-affair.

0:19:44.674,0:19:49.254
But because I think that good[br]can come out of an affair,

0:19:49.278,0:19:52.389
I have often been asked[br]this very strange question:

0:19:52.413,0:19:54.150
would I ever recommend it?

0:19:55.514,0:19:58.531
Now, I would no more[br]recommend you have an affair

0:19:58.555,0:20:01.085
than I would recommend you have cancer,

0:20:01.109,0:20:03.808
and yet we know that people[br]who have been ill

0:20:03.832,0:20:07.950
often talk about how their illness[br]has yielded them a new perspective.

0:20:08.569,0:20:12.052
The main question that I've been asked[br]since I arrived at this conference

0:20:12.076,0:20:15.417
when I said I would talk[br]about infidelity is, for or against?

0:20:16.488,0:20:17.749
I said, "Yes."

0:20:18.162,0:20:20.583
(Laughter)

0:20:21.868,0:20:25.511
I look at affairs from a dual perspective:

0:20:25.535,0:20:29.169
hurt and betrayal on one side,

0:20:29.193,0:20:32.535
growth and self-discovery on the other,

0:20:32.559,0:20:35.605
what it did to you,[br]and what it meant for me.

0:20:36.621,0:20:41.355
And so when a couple comes to me[br]in the aftermath of an affair,

0:20:41.379,0:20:43.228
that has been revealed,

0:20:43.252,0:20:45.536
I will often tell them this:

0:20:45.560,0:20:47.831
today in the West,

0:20:47.855,0:20:52.760
most of us are going to have[br]two or three relationships

0:20:52.784,0:20:54.419
or marriages,

0:20:54.443,0:20:57.538
and some of us are going[br]to do it with the same person.

0:20:58.666,0:21:00.911
You first marriage is over.

0:21:01.633,0:21:04.474
Would you like to create[br]a second one together?

0:21:05.164,0:21:06.595
Thank you.

0:21:06.619,0:21:13.253
(Applause)