WEBVTT

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Why do we cheat?

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And why do happy people cheat?

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And when we say "infidelity,"

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what exactly do we mean?

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Is it a hookup, a love story,

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hate sex, a chat room,

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a massage with happy endings?

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Why do we think that men cheat

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out of boredom and fear of intimacy,

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but women cheat out of loneliness

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and hunger for intimacy?

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And is an affair always
the end of a relationship?

NOTE Paragraph

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For the past 10 years,

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I have traveled the globe

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and worked extensively

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with hundreds of couples
who have been shattered by infidelity.

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There is one simple act of transgression

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that can rob a couple

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from their relationship, their happiness,

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and their very identity: an affair.

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And yet, this extremely common act

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is so poorly understood.

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So this talk is for anyone
who has ever loved.

NOTE Paragraph

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Adultery has existed
since marriage was invented,

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and so to the taboo against it.

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In fact, infidelity has a tenacity

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that marriage can only envy,

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so much so that this is
the only commandment

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that is repeated twice in the Bible:

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once for doing it,

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and once just for thinking about it.

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(Laughter)

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So how do we reconcile

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what is universally forbidden

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yet universally practiced?

NOTE Paragraph

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Now, throughout history,

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men practically had a license to cheat

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with little consequence,

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and supported by a host
of biological and evolutionary theories

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that justified their need to roam,

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so the double standard
is as old as adultery itself.

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But who knows what's really going on

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under the sheets there, right?

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Because when it comes to sex,

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the pressure for men

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is to boast and to exaggerate,

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but the pressure for women

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is to hide, minimize, and deny,

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which isn't surprising when you consider

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that there are still nine countries

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where women can be killed for straying.

NOTE Paragraph

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Now, monogamy used to be
one person for life.

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Today, monogamy is one person at a time.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

NOTE Paragraph

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I mean, many of you probably have said,

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"I am monogamous in all my relationships."

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(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

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We used to marry

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and have sex for the first time,

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but now we marry

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and we stop having sex with others.

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The fact is that monogamy

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had nothing to do with love.

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Men relied on women's fidelity

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in order to know whose children these are

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and who gets the cows when I die.

NOTE Paragraph

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Now, everyone wants to know

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what percentage of people cheat.

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I've been asked that question
since I arrived at this conference.

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(Laughter)

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It applies to you.

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But the definition of infidelity

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keeps on expanding:

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sexting, watching porn,

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staying secretly active on dating apps.

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So because there is no
universally agreed upon definition

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of what even constitutes an infidelity,

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estimates vary widely,

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from 26 percent to 75 percent.

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But on top of it,
we are walking contradictions,

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so 95 percent of us will say
that it is terribly wrong

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for our partner to lie
about having an affair,

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but just about the same
amount of us will say

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that that's exactly what we would do
if we were having one.

NOTE Paragraph

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Now, I like this definition of an affair.

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It brings together the three key elements:

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a secretive relationship,

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which is the core structure of an affair;

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an emotional connection
to one degree or another;

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and a sexual alchemy.

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And alchemy is the key word here,

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because the erotic frisson is such

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that the kiss that you only imagine giving

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can be as powerful and as enchanting

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as hours of actual lovemaking.

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As Marcel Proust said,

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it's our imagination that is
responsible for love,

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not the other person.

NOTE Paragraph

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So it's never been easier to cheat,

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and it's never been more difficult

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to keep a secret.

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And never has infidelity exacted
such a psychological toll.

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When marriage was an economic enterprise,

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infidelity threatened
our economic security,

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but now that marriage
is a romantic arrangement,

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infidelity threatens
our emotional security.

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Ironically, we used to turn to adultery.

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That was the space
where we sought pure love.

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But now that we seek love in marriage,

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adultery destroys it.

NOTE Paragraph

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Now, there are three ways that I think
infidelity hurts differently today.

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We have a romantic ideal

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in which we turn to one person

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to fulfill an endless list of needs:

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to be my greatest lover, my best friend,

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the best parent, my trusted confidante,

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my emotional companion,
my intellectual equal.

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And I am it: I am chosen, I am unique,

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I am indispensable, I am irreplaceable,

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I am the one.

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And infidelity tells me I'm not.

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It is the ultimate betrayal.

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Infidelity shatters
the grand ambition of love.

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But if, throughout history,

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infidelity has always been painful,

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today it is often traumatic,

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because it threatens our sense of self.

NOTE Paragraph

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So my patient Fernando, he's plagued.

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He goes on. "I thought I knew my life.

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I thought I knew who you were,
who we were as a couple, who I was.

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Now, I question everything."

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Infidelity, a violation of trust,

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a crisis of identity.

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"Can I ever trust you again?" he asks.

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"Can I ever trust anyone again?"

NOTE Paragraph

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And this is also what
my patient Heather is telling me

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when she's talking to me
about her story with Nick.

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Married, two kids.

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Nick just left on a business trip,

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and Heather is playing
on his iPad with the boys

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when she sees a message
appear on the screen:

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"Can't wait to see you."

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Strange, she thinks,

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we just saw each other.

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And then another message:

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"Can't wait to hold you in my arms."

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And Heather realizes

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these are not for her.

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She also tells me
that her father had affairs,

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but her mother, she found
one little receipt in the pocket,

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and a little bit of lipstick
on the collar.

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Heather, she goes digging,

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and she finds hundreds of messages

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and photos exchanged
and desires expressed.

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The vivid details
of Nick's two year affair

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unfold in front of her in real time,

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and it made me think:

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affairs in the digital age
are death by a thousand cuts.

NOTE Paragraph

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But then we have another paradox
that we're dealing with these days.

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Because of this romantic ideal,

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we are relying on our partner's fidelity

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with a unique fervor,

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but we also have never
been more inclined to stray,

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and not because we have new desires today,

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but because we live
in an era where we feel

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that we are entitled
to pursue our desires,

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because this is the culture
where I deserve to be happy.

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And if we used to divorce
because we were unhappy,

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today we divorce because
we could be happier.

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And if divorce carried all the shame,

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today, choosing to stay
when you can leave

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is the new shame.

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So Heather, she can't talk to her friends

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because she's afraid that they
will judge her for still loving Nick,

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and everywhere she turns,

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she gets the same advice:

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leave him, throw the dog on the curb.

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And if the situation was reversed,
Nick would be in the same situation.

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Staying is the new shame.

NOTE Paragraph

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So if we can divorce,

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why do we still have affairs?

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Now, the typical assumption

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is that if someone cheats,

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either there's something wrong
in your relationship or wrong with you.

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But millions of people
can't all be pathological.

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The logic goes like this:
if you have everything you need at home,

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then there is no need
to go looking elsewhere,

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assuming that there is such a thing
as a perfect marriage

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that will inoculate us against wanderlust.

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But what if passion
has a finite shelf life?

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What if there are things
that even a good relationship

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can never provide?

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If even happy people cheat,

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what is it about?

NOTE Paragraph

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The vast majority of people
that I actually work with

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are not at all chronic philanderers.

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They are often people

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who are deeply monogamous
in their beliefs,

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and at least for their partners.

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But they find themselves in a conflict

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between their values and their behavior.

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They often are people who have actually

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been faithful for decades,

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but one day they cross a line

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that they never thought they would cross,

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and at the risk of losing everything,

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but for a glimmer of what?

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Affairs are an act of betrayal

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and they are also an expression
of longing and loss.

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At the heart of an affair,

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you will often find

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a longing and a yearning

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for an emotional connection,

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for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy,

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for sexual intensity,

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a wish to recapture
lost parts of ourselves

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or an attempt to bring back
vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.

NOTE Paragraph

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Now I'm think about
another patient of mine, Priya,

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who is blissfully married,

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loves her husband,

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and would never want to hurt the man,

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but she also tells me

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that she's always done
what was expected of her:

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good girl, good wife, good mother,

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taking care of her immigrant parents.

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Priya, she fell for the arborist

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who removed the tree from her yard
after Hurricane Sandy,

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and with his truck and his tattoos,

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he's quite the opposite of her.

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But at 47, Priya's affair is about
the adolescence that she never had,

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and her story highlights for me

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that when we seek the gaze of another,

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it isn't always our partner

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that we are turning away from,

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but the person that
we have ourselves become.

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And it isn't so much that we're
looking for another person

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as much as we are looking

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for another self.

NOTE Paragraph

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Now, all over the world,

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there is one word that people
who have affairs always tell me.

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They feel alive.

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And they often will tell me stories

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of recent losses,

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of a parent who died,

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and a friend that went too soon,

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and bad news at the doctor.

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Death and mortality often live
in the shadow of an affair,

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because they raise these questions.

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Is this it? Is there more?

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Am I going on for another
25 years like this?

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Will I ever feel that thing again?

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And it has led me to think

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that perhaps these questions

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are the ones that propel people

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to cross the line,

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and that some affairs are an attempt
to beat back deadness

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and an antidote to death.

NOTE Paragraph

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And contrary to what you may think,

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affairs are way less about sex

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and a lot more about desire:

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desire for attention,
desire to feel special,

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desire to feel important.

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And the very structure of an affair,

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the fact that you can
never have your lover,

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keeps you wanting.

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That in itself is a desire machine,

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because the incompleteness,
the ambiguity,

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keeps you wanting
that which you cannot have.

NOTE Paragraph

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Now some of you probably think

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that affairs don't happen

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in open relationships, but they do.

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First of all, the conversation
about monogamy

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is not the same as
the conversation about infidelity.

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But the fact is that it seems
that even when we have

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the freedom to have other sexual partners,

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we still seem to be lured
by the power of the forbidden,

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that if we do that which we
are not supposed to do,

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then we feel like we are really
doing what we what.

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And I've also told
quite a few of my patients

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that if they could bring

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into their relationships

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one tenth of the boldness,
the imagination, and the verve

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that they put into their affairs,

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they probably would never need to see me.

NOTE Paragraph

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So how do we heal from an affair?

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Desire runs deep.

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Betrayal runs deep.

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But it can be healed.

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And some affairs are death knells

00:14:58.629 --> 00:15:02.321
for relationships that were
already dying on the vine,

00:15:02.321 --> 00:15:06.129
but others will jolt us
into new possibilities.

00:15:06.129 --> 00:15:08.172
The fact is, the majority of couples

00:15:08.172 --> 00:15:10.749
who have experienced affairs
stay together,

00:15:10.749 --> 00:15:13.327
but some of them will merely survive,

00:15:13.327 --> 00:15:18.644
and others will actually be able
to turn a crisis into an opportunity.

00:15:18.644 --> 00:15:22.614
They'll be able to turn this
into a generative experience.

00:15:22.614 --> 00:15:26.120
And I'm actually thinking even more so
for the deceived partner,

00:15:26.120 --> 00:15:27.908
who will often say,

00:15:27.908 --> 00:15:29.696
"You think I didn't want more?

00:15:29.696 --> 00:15:31.879
But I'm not the one who did it."

00:15:31.879 --> 00:15:34.154
But now that the affair is exposed,

00:15:34.154 --> 00:15:36.104
they too get to claim more,

00:15:36.104 --> 00:15:39.123
and they no longer have
to uphold the status quo

00:15:39.123 --> 00:15:44.277
that may not have been working
that well for them either.

NOTE Paragraph

00:15:44.277 --> 00:15:47.157
I've noticed that a lot of couples

00:15:47.157 --> 00:15:49.293
in the immediate aftermath of an affair,

00:15:49.293 --> 00:15:51.266
because of this new disorder

00:15:51.266 --> 00:15:53.519
that may actually lead to a new order,

00:15:53.519 --> 00:15:57.048
will have depths of conversations
with honesty and openness

00:15:57.048 --> 00:15:59.672
that they haven't had in decades,

00:15:59.672 --> 00:16:02.644
and partners who were sexually indifferent

00:16:02.644 --> 00:16:05.221
find themselves suddenly
so lustfully voracious,

00:16:05.221 --> 00:16:08.774
they don't know where it's coming from.

00:16:08.774 --> 00:16:11.026
Something about the fear of loss

00:16:11.026 --> 00:16:12.860
will rekindle desire

00:16:12.860 --> 00:16:17.481
and make way for
an entirely new kind of truth.

NOTE Paragraph

00:16:17.481 --> 00:16:21.126
So when an affair is exposed,

00:16:21.126 --> 00:16:26.211
what are some of the specific things
that couples can do?

00:16:26.211 --> 00:16:28.036
We know from trauma

00:16:28.036 --> 00:16:30.103
that healing begins

00:16:30.103 --> 00:16:35.281
when the perpetrator
acknowledges their wrongdoing.

00:16:35.281 --> 00:16:39.065
So for the partner who had the affair,

00:16:39.065 --> 00:16:40.993
for Nick,

00:16:40.993 --> 00:16:42.780
one thing is to end the affair,

00:16:42.780 --> 00:16:47.053
but the other is the essential,
important act of expressing

00:16:47.053 --> 00:16:50.791
guilt and remorse for hurting his wife.

00:16:50.791 --> 00:16:52.649
But the truth is

00:16:52.649 --> 00:16:55.296
that I have noticed that quite a lot
of people who have affairs

00:16:55.296 --> 00:16:58.198
may feel terribly guilty
for hurting their partner,

00:16:58.198 --> 00:17:02.215
but they don't feel guilty
for the experience of the affair itself.

00:17:02.215 --> 00:17:04.746
And that distinction is important.

00:17:04.746 --> 00:17:09.134
And Nick, he needs to hold vigil
for the relationship.

00:17:09.134 --> 00:17:12.361
He needs to become for a while
the protector of the boundaries.

00:17:12.361 --> 00:17:14.730
It's his responsibility to bring it up,

00:17:14.730 --> 00:17:16.866
because if he thinks about it,

00:17:16.866 --> 00:17:19.977
he can relieve Heather
from the obsession,

00:17:19.977 --> 00:17:23.089
and from having to make sure
that the affair isn't forgotten,

00:17:23.089 --> 00:17:26.825
and that in itself
begins to restore trust.

NOTE Paragraph

00:17:27.640 --> 00:17:29.520
But Heather,

00:17:29.520 --> 00:17:31.424
or deceived partners,

00:17:31.424 --> 00:17:33.305
it is essential to do things

00:17:33.305 --> 00:17:36.625
that bring back a sense of self-worth,

00:17:36.625 --> 00:17:40.039
to surround oneself with love
and with friends and activities

00:17:40.039 --> 00:17:43.916
that give back joy
and meaning and identity.

00:17:43.916 --> 00:17:45.820
But even more important

00:17:45.820 --> 00:17:50.812
is to curb the curiosity
to mine for the sordid details

00:17:50.812 --> 00:17:52.995
-- Where were you? Where did you do it?

00:17:52.995 --> 00:17:55.758
How often? Is she better
than me in bed? --

00:17:55.758 --> 00:17:58.219
questions that only inflict more pain

00:17:58.219 --> 00:18:00.541
and keep you awake at night,

00:18:00.541 --> 00:18:05.417
and instead switch to what I call
the investigative questions,

00:18:05.417 --> 00:18:08.784
the ones that mine
the meaning and the motives.

00:18:08.784 --> 00:18:10.850
What did this affair mean for you?

00:18:10.850 --> 00:18:13.776
What were you able to express
or experience there

00:18:13.776 --> 00:18:16.260
that you could no longer do with me?

00:18:16.260 --> 00:18:19.186
What was it like for you
when you came home?

00:18:19.186 --> 00:18:21.995
What is it about us that you value?

00:18:21.995 --> 00:18:25.592
Are you pleased this is over?

NOTE Paragraph

00:18:26.314 --> 00:18:30.610
Every affair will redefine a relationship,

00:18:30.610 --> 00:18:33.651
and every couple will determine

00:18:33.651 --> 00:18:36.948
what the legacy of the affair will be.

00:18:36.948 --> 00:18:39.990
But affairs are here to stay,

00:18:39.990 --> 00:18:42.219
and they're not going away,

00:18:42.219 --> 00:18:44.587
and the dilemmas of love and desire,

00:18:44.587 --> 00:18:47.420
they don't yield just simple answers

00:18:47.420 --> 00:18:50.764
of black and white and good and bad

00:18:50.764 --> 00:18:54.409
and victim and perpetrator.

00:18:54.409 --> 00:18:58.496
Betrayal in a relationship
comes in many forms.

00:18:58.496 --> 00:19:00.701
There are many ways
that we betray our partner:

00:19:00.701 --> 00:19:02.861
with contempt, with neglect,

00:19:02.861 --> 00:19:05.995
with indifference, with violence.

00:19:05.995 --> 00:19:09.664
Sexual betrayal is only
one way to hurt a partner.

00:19:09.664 --> 00:19:12.055
In other words, the victim of an affair

00:19:12.055 --> 00:19:15.737
is not always the victim of the marriage.

NOTE Paragraph

00:19:17.898 --> 00:19:19.709
Now, you've listened to me,

00:19:19.709 --> 00:19:21.984
and I know what you're thinking:

00:19:21.984 --> 00:19:24.260
she has a French accent,

00:19:24.260 --> 00:19:26.883
she must be pro-affair.

00:19:26.883 --> 00:19:29.389
(Laughter)

00:19:31.783 --> 00:19:33.640
So you're wrong.

00:19:33.640 --> 00:19:35.939
I am not French.

00:19:35.939 --> 00:19:40.581
(Laughter) (Applause)

00:19:41.697 --> 00:19:44.298
And I'm not pro-affair.

00:19:44.298 --> 00:19:46.434
But because I think

00:19:46.434 --> 00:19:49.104
that good can come out of an affair,

00:19:49.104 --> 00:19:52.448
I have often been asked
this very strange question:

00:19:52.448 --> 00:19:55.396
would I ever recommend it?

00:19:55.396 --> 00:19:58.485
Now, I would no more recommend
you to have an affair

00:19:58.485 --> 00:20:01.108
than I would recommend you to have cancer,

00:20:01.108 --> 00:20:03.709
and yet we know that people
who have been ill

00:20:03.709 --> 00:20:08.608
often talk about their illness
has yielded them a new perspective.

00:20:08.608 --> 00:20:11.882
The main question that I've been asked
since I arrived at this conference

00:20:11.882 --> 00:20:16.363
when I said I would talk
about infidelity is, for or against?

00:20:16.363 --> 00:20:18.151
I said, yes.

00:20:18.151 --> 00:20:21.355
(Laughter)

NOTE Paragraph

00:20:21.355 --> 00:20:25.395
I look at affairs from a dual perspective:

00:20:25.395 --> 00:20:28.646
hurt and betrayal on one side,

00:20:28.646 --> 00:20:32.616
growth and self-discovery on the other,

00:20:32.616 --> 00:20:36.587
what it did to you
and what it meant for me.

00:20:36.587 --> 00:20:38.978
And so when a couple comes to me

00:20:38.978 --> 00:20:41.277
in the aftermath of an affair

00:20:41.277 --> 00:20:43.228
that has been revealed,

00:20:43.228 --> 00:20:45.619
I will often tell them this:

00:20:45.619 --> 00:20:47.662
today in the West,

00:20:47.662 --> 00:20:52.631
most of us are going to have
two or three relationships

00:20:52.631 --> 00:20:54.558
or marriages,

00:20:54.558 --> 00:20:58.390
and some of us are going
to do it with the same person.

00:20:58.390 --> 00:21:01.501
You first marriage is over.

00:21:01.501 --> 00:21:05.332
Would you like to create
a second one together?

NOTE Paragraph

00:21:05.332 --> 00:21:07.375
Thank you.

NOTE Paragraph

00:21:07.375 --> 00:21:14.316
(Applause)