[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.90,0:00:03.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we cheat?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.64,0:00:07.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why do happy people cheat?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.44,0:00:11.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when we say "infidelity,"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.39,0:00:14.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what exactly do we mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.15,0:00:17.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it a hookup, a love story,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.52,0:00:20.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hate sex, a chat room,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.70,0:00:24.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a massage with happy endings?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.14,0:00:26.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we think that men cheat
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.47,0:00:29.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out of boredom and fear of intimacy,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.50,0:00:32.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but women cheat out of loneliness
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.24,0:00:35.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and hunger for intimacy?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.66,0:00:39.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And is an affair always\Nthe end of a relationship?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.02,0:00:42.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For the past 10 years,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.92,0:00:44.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have traveled the globe
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.47,0:00:46.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and worked extensively
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.30,0:00:50.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with hundreds of couples\Nwho have been shattered by infidelity.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.69,0:00:54.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is one simple act of transgression
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.62,0:00:56.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that can rob a couple
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.68,0:01:00.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from their relationship, their happiness,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.35,0:01:03.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and their very identity: an affair.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.86,0:01:06.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, this extremely common act
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.95,0:01:10.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is so poorly understood.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.45,0:01:15.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So this talk is for anyone\Nwho has ever loved.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.18,0:01:21.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Adultery has existed\Nsince marriage was invented,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.31,0:01:25.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so to the taboo against it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.02,0:01:28.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, infidelity has a tenacity
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.46,0:01:30.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that marriage can only envy,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.75,0:01:34.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so much so that this is\Nthe only commandment
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.28,0:01:38.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that is repeated twice in the Bible:
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.18,0:01:39.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,once for doing it,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.99,0:01:42.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and once just for thinking about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.18,0:01:44.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.51,0:01:46.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So how do we reconcile
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.65,0:01:48.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what is universally forbidden
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.88,0:01:53.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,yet universally practiced?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.15,0:01:54.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, throughout history,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.94,0:01:58.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,men practically had a license to cheat
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.10,0:02:00.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with little consequence,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.25,0:02:04.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and supported by a host\Nof biological and evolutionary theories
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.55,0:02:07.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that justified their need to roam,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.45,0:02:12.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so the double standard\Nis as old as adultery itself.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.33,0:02:15.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But who knows what's really going on
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.70,0:02:17.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,under the sheets there, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.88,0:02:19.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because when it comes to sex,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.87,0:02:21.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the pressure for men
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.48,0:02:23.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to boast and to exaggerate,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.91,0:02:25.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the pressure for women
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.80,0:02:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to hide, minimize, and deny,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.43,0:02:31.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which isn't surprising when you consider
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.45,0:02:33.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that there are still nine countries
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.63,0:02:37.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where women can be killed for straying.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.81,0:02:42.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, monogamy used to be\None person for life.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.78,0:02:46.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Today, monogamy is one person at a time.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.13,0:02:49.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) (Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.61,0:02:54.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, many of you probably have said,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.28,0:02:57.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I am monogamous in all my relationships."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.41,0:03:00.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.71,0:03:02.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We used to marry
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.38,0:03:04.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and have sex for the first time,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.54,0:03:06.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but now we marry
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.23,0:03:09.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we stop having sex with others.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.18,0:03:11.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The fact is that monogamy
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.27,0:03:14.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,had nothing to do with love.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.24,0:03:16.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Men relied on women's fidelity
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.75,0:03:19.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to know whose children these are
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.65,0:03:22.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and who gets the cows when I die.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.24,0:03:26.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, everyone wants to know
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.59,0:03:28.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what percentage of people cheat.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.58,0:03:32.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've been asked that question\Nsince I arrived at this conference.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.14,0:03:34.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.27,0:03:36.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It applies to you.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.46,0:03:38.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the definition of infidelity
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.80,0:03:40.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,keeps on expanding:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.94,0:03:43.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sexting, watching porn,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.44,0:03:46.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,staying secretly active on dating apps.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.28,0:03:50.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So because there is no\Nuniversally agreed upon definition
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.97,0:03:53.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of what even constitutes an infidelity,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.94,0:03:56.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,estimates vary widely,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.28,0:04:01.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from 26 percent to 75 percent.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.12,0:04:04.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But on top of it,\Nwe are walking contradictions,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.20,0:04:07.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so 95 percent of us will say\Nthat it is terribly wrong
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.80,0:04:10.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for our partner to lie\Nabout having an affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.89,0:04:13.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but just about the same\Namount of us will say
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.33,0:04:17.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that that's exactly what we would do\Nif we were having one.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.75,0:04:23.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I like this definition of an affair.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.75,0:04:26.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It brings together the three key elements:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.40,0:04:29.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a secretive relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.56,0:04:33.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the core structure of an affair;
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.04,0:04:37.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an emotional connection\Nto one degree or another;
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.57,0:04:40.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a sexual alchemy.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.26,0:04:43.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And alchemy is the key word here,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.33,0:04:46.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because the erotic frisson is such
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.42,0:04:50.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the kiss that you only imagine giving
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.22,0:04:53.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can be as powerful and as enchanting
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.29,0:04:57.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as hours of actual lovemaking.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.51,0:04:59.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As Marcel Proust said,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.44,0:05:02.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's our imagination that is\Nresponsible for love,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.69,0:05:05.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not the other person.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.90,0:05:09.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it's never been easier to cheat,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.77,0:05:11.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's never been more difficult
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.91,0:05:13.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to keep a secret.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.93,0:05:19.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And never has infidelity exacted\Nsuch a psychological toll.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.66,0:05:22.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When marriage was an economic enterprise,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.92,0:05:27.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,infidelity threatened\Nour economic security,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.00,0:05:29.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but now that marriage\Nis a romantic arrangement,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.93,0:05:33.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,infidelity threatens\Nour emotional security.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.76,0:05:37.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ironically, we used to turn to adultery.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.89,0:05:41.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was the space\Nwhere we sought pure love.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.30,0:05:43.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But now that we seek love in marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.58,0:05:46.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,adultery destroys it.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.32,0:05:51.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, there are three ways that I think\Ninfidelity hurts differently today.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.17,0:05:56.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a romantic ideal
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.40,0:05:58.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in which we turn to one person
Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.93,0:06:02.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to fulfill an endless list of needs:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.85,0:06:06.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be my greatest lover, my best friend,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.40,0:06:09.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the best parent, my trusted confidante,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.52,0:06:13.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my emotional companion,\Nmy intellectual equal.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.51,0:06:18.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I am it: I am chosen, I am unique,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.04,0:06:21.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am indispensable, I am irreplaceable,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.36,0:06:23.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am the one.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.33,0:06:27.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And infidelity tells me I'm not.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.28,0:06:29.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is the ultimate betrayal.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.90,0:06:34.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Infidelity shatters\Nthe grand ambition of love.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.55,0:06:36.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if, throughout history,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.52,0:06:39.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,infidelity has always been painful,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.49,0:06:42.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,today it is often traumatic,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.09,0:06:44.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it threatens our sense of self.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.99,0:06:47.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my patient Fernando, he's plagued.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.90,0:06:50.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He goes on. "I thought I knew my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.61,0:06:54.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought I knew who you were,\Nwho we were as a couple, who I was.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.75,0:06:57.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I question everything."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.65,0:07:01.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Infidelity, a violation of trust,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.06,0:07:02.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a crisis of identity.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.92,0:07:05.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Can I ever trust you again?" he asks.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.22,0:07:08.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Can I ever trust anyone again?"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.75,0:07:11.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is also what\Nmy patient Heather is telling me
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.98,0:07:14.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when she's talking to me\Nabout her story with Nick.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.72,0:07:16.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Married, two kids.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.04,0:07:18.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nick just left on a business trip,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.17,0:07:22.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Heather is playing\Non his iPad with the boys
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.13,0:07:25.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when she sees a message\Nappear on the screen:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.17,0:07:27.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Can't wait to see you."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.47,0:07:29.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Strange, she thinks,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.26,0:07:31.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we just saw each other.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.11,0:07:32.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then another message:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.92,0:07:35.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Can't wait to hold you in my arms."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.96,0:07:38.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Heather realizes
Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.22,0:07:40.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,these are not for her.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.40,0:07:43.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She also tells me\Nthat her father had affairs,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.56,0:07:47.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but her mother, she found\None little receipt in the pocket,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.78,0:07:50.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a little bit of lipstick\Non the collar.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.41,0:07:54.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Heather, she goes digging,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.70,0:07:57.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she finds hundreds of messages
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.58,0:08:01.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and photos exchanged\Nand desires expressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.41,0:08:04.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The vivid details\Nof Nick's two year affair
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.22,0:08:07.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,unfold in front of her in real time,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.89,0:08:09.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it made me think:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.75,0:08:14.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,affairs in the digital age\Nare death by a thousand cuts.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.63,0:08:18.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then we have another paradox\Nthat we're dealing with these days.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.83,0:08:21.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because of this romantic ideal,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.08,0:08:24.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are relying on our partner's fidelity
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.54,0:08:26.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a unique fervor,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.91,0:08:30.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we also have never\Nbeen more inclined to stray,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.47,0:08:33.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not because we have new desires today,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.21,0:08:35.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but because we live\Nin an era where we feel
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.74,0:08:38.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we are entitled\Nto pursue our desires,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.62,0:08:42.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because this is the culture\Nwhere I deserve to be happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.96,0:08:47.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if we used to divorce\Nbecause we were unhappy,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.07,0:08:51.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,today we divorce because\Nwe could be happier.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.27,0:08:54.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if divorce carried all the shame,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.82,0:08:58.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,today, choosing to stay\Nwhen you can leave
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.91,0:09:00.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the new shame.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.86,0:09:03.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So Heather, she can't talk to her friends
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.18,0:09:06.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because she's afraid that they\Nwill judge her for still loving Nick,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.29,0:09:08.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and everywhere she turns,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.20,0:09:10.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she gets the same advice:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.08,0:09:13.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,leave him, throw the dog on the curb.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.68,0:09:19.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if the situation was reversed,\NNick would be in the same situation.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.04,0:09:22.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Staying is the new shame.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.08,0:09:26.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if we can divorce,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.03,0:09:29.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why do we still have affairs?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.49,0:09:32.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the typical assumption
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.44,0:09:34.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that if someone cheats,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.62,0:09:39.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,either there's something wrong\Nin your relationship or wrong with you.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.08,0:09:43.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But millions of people\Ncan't all be pathological.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.47,0:09:48.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The logic goes like this:\Nif you have everything you need at home,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.23,0:09:51.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then there is no need\Nto go looking elsewhere,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:51.62,0:09:55.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,assuming that there is such a thing\Nas a perfect marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.17,0:09:59.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that will inoculate us against wanderlust.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.14,0:10:03.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what if passion\Nhas a finite shelf life?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.36,0:10:07.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What if there are things\Nthat even a good relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.31,0:10:10.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can never provide?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.26,0:10:13.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If even happy people cheat,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.58,0:10:15.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what is it about?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.97,0:10:19.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The vast majority of people\Nthat I actually work with
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.66,0:10:22.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are not at all chronic philanderers.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.43,0:10:24.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are often people
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.16,0:10:26.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who are deeply monogamous\Nin their beliefs,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.55,0:10:28.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at least for their partners.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.90,0:10:31.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But they find themselves in a conflict
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.24,0:10:35.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between their values and their behavior.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.44,0:10:37.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They often are people who have actually
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.44,0:10:39.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,been faithful for decades,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.90,0:10:42.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but one day they cross a line
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.64,0:10:45.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they never thought they would cross,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.06,0:10:48.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at the risk of losing everything,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:48.19,0:10:51.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but for a glimmer of what?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.93,0:10:54.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Affairs are an act of betrayal
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.46,0:10:58.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they are also an expression\Nof longing and loss.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:58.59,0:11:00.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At the heart of an affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:00.68,0:11:02.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you will often find
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.61,0:11:04.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a longing and a yearning
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.77,0:11:06.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for an emotional connection,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.81,0:11:10.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.62,0:11:12.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for sexual intensity,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.66,0:11:16.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a wish to recapture\Nlost parts of ourselves
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.29,0:11:22.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or an attempt to bring back\Nvitality in the face of loss and tragedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.95,0:11:25.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I'm think about\Nanother patient of mine, Priya,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.90,0:11:28.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who is blissfully married,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.59,0:11:30.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,loves her husband,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.40,0:11:32.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and would never want to hurt the man,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.84,0:11:34.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but she also tells me
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.98,0:11:38.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that she's always done\Nwhat was expected of her:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:38.02,0:11:41.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,good girl, good wife, good mother,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.43,0:11:44.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,taking care of her immigrant parents.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.43,0:11:47.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Priya, she fell for the arborist
Dialogue: 0,0:11:47.31,0:11:51.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who removed the tree from her yard\Nafter Hurricane Sandy,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.14,0:11:54.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and with his truck and his tattoos,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.02,0:11:56.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's quite the opposite of her.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.83,0:12:03.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But at 47, Priya's affair is about\Nthe adolescence that she never had,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.63,0:12:06.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and her story highlights for me
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.28,0:12:09.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that when we seek the gaze of another,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.06,0:12:11.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it isn't always our partner
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.57,0:12:13.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we are turning away from,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.87,0:12:17.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the person that\Nwe have ourselves become.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.66,0:12:21.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it isn't so much that we're\Nlooking for another person
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.30,0:12:23.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as much as we are looking
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.27,0:12:25.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for another self.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.81,0:12:29.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, all over the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.42,0:12:33.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there is one word that people\Nwho have affairs always tell me.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.18,0:12:35.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They feel alive.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.92,0:12:38.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they often will tell me stories
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.54,0:12:40.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of recent losses,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.42,0:12:42.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a parent who died,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.24,0:12:44.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a friend that went too soon,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.44,0:12:46.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and bad news at the doctor.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.86,0:12:52.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Death and mortality often live\Nin the shadow of an affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.31,0:12:54.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they raise these questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.68,0:12:57.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is this it? Is there more?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.91,0:13:01.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Am I going on for another\N25 years like this?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.53,0:13:06.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Will I ever feel that thing again?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:06.43,0:13:08.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it has led me to think
Dialogue: 0,0:13:08.64,0:13:10.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that perhaps these questions
Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.79,0:13:12.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are the ones that propel people
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.58,0:13:14.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to cross the line,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.28,0:13:17.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that some affairs are an attempt\Nto beat back deadness
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.95,0:13:20.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and an antidote to death.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.98,0:13:24.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And contrary to what you may think,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.62,0:13:27.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,affairs are way less about sex
Dialogue: 0,0:13:27.41,0:13:29.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a lot more about desire:
Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.92,0:13:33.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desire for attention,\Ndesire to feel special,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.35,0:13:36.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desire to feel important.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.07,0:13:39.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the very structure of an affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.24,0:13:41.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the fact that you can\Nnever have your lover,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.43,0:13:43.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,keeps you wanting.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.07,0:13:45.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That in itself is a desire machine,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.81,0:13:48.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because the incompleteness,\Nthe ambiguity,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.60,0:13:53.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,keeps you wanting\Nthat which you cannot have.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.76,0:13:55.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now some of you probably think
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.59,0:13:57.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that affairs don't happen
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.38,0:14:00.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in open relationships, but they do.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.67,0:14:03.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First of all, the conversation\Nabout monogamy
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.02,0:14:06.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not the same as\Nthe conversation about infidelity.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:06.29,0:14:09.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the fact is that it seems\Nthat even when we have
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.80,0:14:12.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the freedom to have other sexual partners,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.72,0:14:16.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we still seem to be lured\Nby the power of the forbidden,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.67,0:14:20.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that if we do that which we\Nare not supposed to do,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:20.16,0:14:24.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we feel like we are really\Ndoing what we what.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.38,0:14:28.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've also told\Nquite a few of my patients
Dialogue: 0,0:14:28.84,0:14:30.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that if they could bring
Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.58,0:14:33.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into their relationships
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.69,0:14:37.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one tenth of the boldness,\Nthe imagination, and the verve
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.29,0:14:39.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they put into their affairs,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:39.24,0:14:42.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they probably would never need to see me.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.40,0:14:48.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So how do we heal from an affair?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.18,0:14:50.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Desire runs deep.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.48,0:14:53.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Betrayal runs deep.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.26,0:14:55.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it can be healed.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.66,0:14:58.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And some affairs are death knells
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.63,0:15:02.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for relationships that were\Nalready dying on the vine,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:02.32,0:15:06.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but others will jolt us\Ninto new possibilities.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:06.13,0:15:08.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The fact is, the majority of couples
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.17,0:15:10.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who have experienced affairs\Nstay together,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.75,0:15:13.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but some of them will merely survive,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:13.33,0:15:18.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and others will actually be able\Nto turn a crisis into an opportunity.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:18.64,0:15:22.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They'll be able to turn this\Ninto a generative experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.61,0:15:26.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm actually thinking even more so\Nfor the deceived partner,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:26.12,0:15:27.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who will often say,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.91,0:15:29.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You think I didn't want more?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:29.70,0:15:31.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm not the one who did it."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:31.88,0:15:34.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But now that the affair is exposed,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:34.15,0:15:36.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they too get to claim more,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:36.10,0:15:39.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they no longer have\Nto uphold the status quo
Dialogue: 0,0:15:39.12,0:15:44.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that may not have been working\Nthat well for them either.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:44.28,0:15:47.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've noticed that a lot of couples
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.16,0:15:49.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the immediate aftermath of an affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.29,0:15:51.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because of this new disorder
Dialogue: 0,0:15:51.27,0:15:53.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that may actually lead to a new order,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.52,0:15:57.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will have depths of conversations\Nwith honesty and openness
Dialogue: 0,0:15:57.05,0:15:59.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they haven't had in decades,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:59.67,0:16:02.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and partners who were sexually indifferent
Dialogue: 0,0:16:02.64,0:16:05.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,find themselves suddenly\Nso lustfully voracious,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.22,0:16:08.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they don't know where it's coming from.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.77,0:16:11.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Something about the fear of loss
Dialogue: 0,0:16:11.03,0:16:12.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will rekindle desire
Dialogue: 0,0:16:12.86,0:16:17.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and make way for\Nan entirely new kind of truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:17.48,0:16:21.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when an affair is exposed,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:21.13,0:16:26.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what are some of the specific things\Nthat couples can do?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:26.21,0:16:28.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We know from trauma
Dialogue: 0,0:16:28.04,0:16:30.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that healing begins
Dialogue: 0,0:16:30.10,0:16:35.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when the perpetrator\Nacknowledges their wrongdoing.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:35.28,0:16:39.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So for the partner who had the affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:39.06,0:16:40.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for Nick,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:40.99,0:16:42.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one thing is to end the affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:42.78,0:16:47.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the other is the essential,\Nimportant act of expressing
Dialogue: 0,0:16:47.05,0:16:50.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,guilt and remorse for hurting his wife.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.79,0:16:52.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the truth is
Dialogue: 0,0:16:52.65,0:16:55.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I have noticed that quite a lot\Nof people who have affairs
Dialogue: 0,0:16:55.30,0:16:58.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,may feel terribly guilty\Nfor hurting their partner,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:58.20,0:17:02.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they don't feel guilty\Nfor the experience of the affair itself.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.22,0:17:04.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that distinction is important.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:04.75,0:17:09.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Nick, he needs to hold vigil\Nfor the relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:09.13,0:17:12.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He needs to become for a while\Nthe protector of the boundaries.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:12.36,0:17:14.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's his responsibility to bring it up,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:14.73,0:17:16.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because if he thinks about it,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:16.87,0:17:19.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he can relieve Heather\Nfrom the obsession,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:19.98,0:17:23.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and from having to make sure\Nthat the affair isn't forgotten,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:23.09,0:17:26.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that in itself\Nbegins to restore trust.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:27.64,0:17:29.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But Heather,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.52,0:17:31.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or deceived partners,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:31.42,0:17:33.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is essential to do things
Dialogue: 0,0:17:33.30,0:17:36.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that bring back a sense of self-worth,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:36.62,0:17:40.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to surround oneself with love\Nand with friends and activities
Dialogue: 0,0:17:40.04,0:17:43.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that give back joy\Nand meaning and identity.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:43.92,0:17:45.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But even more important
Dialogue: 0,0:17:45.82,0:17:50.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to curb the curiosity\Nto mine for the sordid details
Dialogue: 0,0:17:50.81,0:17:52.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,-- Where were you? Where did you do it?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:52.100,0:17:55.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How often? Is she better\Nthan me in bed? --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:55.76,0:17:58.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,questions that only inflict more pain
Dialogue: 0,0:17:58.22,0:18:00.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and keep you awake at night,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:00.54,0:18:05.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and instead switch to what I call\Nthe investigative questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:05.42,0:18:08.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the ones that mine\Nthe meaning and the motives.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:08.78,0:18:10.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What did this affair mean for you?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:10.85,0:18:13.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What were you able to express\Nor experience there
Dialogue: 0,0:18:13.78,0:18:16.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you could no longer do with me?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:16.26,0:18:19.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was it like for you\Nwhen you came home?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:19.19,0:18:21.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is it about us that you value?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:21.100,0:18:25.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you pleased this is over?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:26.31,0:18:30.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every affair will redefine a relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:30.61,0:18:33.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and every couple will determine
Dialogue: 0,0:18:33.65,0:18:36.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what the legacy of the affair will be.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:36.95,0:18:39.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But affairs are here to stay,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:39.99,0:18:42.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they're not going away,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:42.22,0:18:44.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the dilemmas of love and desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:44.59,0:18:47.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they don't yield just simple answers
Dialogue: 0,0:18:47.42,0:18:50.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of black and white and good and bad
Dialogue: 0,0:18:50.76,0:18:54.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and victim and perpetrator.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:54.41,0:18:58.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Betrayal in a relationship\Ncomes in many forms.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:58.50,0:19:00.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There are many ways\Nthat we betray our partner:
Dialogue: 0,0:19:00.70,0:19:02.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with contempt, with neglect,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:02.86,0:19:05.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with indifference, with violence.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:05.100,0:19:09.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sexual betrayal is only\None way to hurt a partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:09.66,0:19:12.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In other words, the victim of an affair
Dialogue: 0,0:19:12.06,0:19:15.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not always the victim of the marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:17.90,0:19:19.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, you've listened to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:19.71,0:19:21.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I know what you're thinking:
Dialogue: 0,0:19:21.98,0:19:24.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she has a French accent,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:24.26,0:19:26.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she must be pro-affair.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:26.88,0:19:29.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:19:31.78,0:19:33.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So you're wrong.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:33.64,0:19:35.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am not French.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:35.94,0:19:40.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) (Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:19:41.70,0:19:44.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm not pro-affair.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:44.30,0:19:46.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But because I think
Dialogue: 0,0:19:46.43,0:19:49.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that good can come out of an affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:49.10,0:19:52.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have often been asked\Nthis very strange question:
Dialogue: 0,0:19:52.45,0:19:55.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would I ever recommend it?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:55.40,0:19:58.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I would no more recommend\Nyou to have an affair
Dialogue: 0,0:19:58.48,0:20:01.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than I would recommend you to have cancer,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:01.11,0:20:03.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet we know that people\Nwho have been ill
Dialogue: 0,0:20:03.71,0:20:08.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,often talk about their illness\Nhas yielded them a new perspective.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:08.61,0:20:11.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The main question that I've been asked\Nsince I arrived at this conference
Dialogue: 0,0:20:11.88,0:20:16.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I said I would talk\Nabout infidelity is, for or against?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:16.36,0:20:18.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:18.15,0:20:21.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:20:21.36,0:20:25.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I look at affairs from a dual perspective:
Dialogue: 0,0:20:25.40,0:20:28.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hurt and betrayal on one side,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:28.65,0:20:32.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,growth and self-discovery on the other,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:32.62,0:20:36.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what it did to you\Nand what it meant for me.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:36.59,0:20:38.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so when a couple comes to me
Dialogue: 0,0:20:38.98,0:20:41.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the aftermath of an affair
Dialogue: 0,0:20:41.28,0:20:43.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that has been revealed,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:43.23,0:20:45.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will often tell them this:
Dialogue: 0,0:20:45.62,0:20:47.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,today in the West,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:47.66,0:20:52.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,most of us are going to have\Ntwo or three relationships
Dialogue: 0,0:20:52.63,0:20:54.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or marriages,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:54.56,0:20:58.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and some of us are going\Nto do it with the same person.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:58.39,0:21:01.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You first marriage is over.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:01.50,0:21:05.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Would you like to create\Na second one together?
Dialogue: 0,0:21:05.33,0:21:07.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:07.38,0:21:14.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)