When my son Myles was three years old, he fell in love.
The object of his affection was a game:
hide-and-seek.
And though I love Myles dearly, I'm not afraid to tell you
that he was terrible at it.
(Laughter)
First, because he would tell you where he was going to hide.
He would say, "Daddy, you count, I hide in here."
(Laughter)
The second reason he was terrible at hide-and-seek
is because after finding his hiding place,
he would get himself into his tight spot,
and then he would spend the entire time there giggling.
(Laughter)
I'm sorry, but if you're playing hide-and-seek
and you emit a continuous beacon of sound,
you're just bad at it!
(Laughter)
And the third reason he was bad at hide-and-seek
is because of what would happen after the counting.
He would go and hide, I would put my face against the wall -
and you know how this works, right? -
" ... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Ready or not!"
(Audience) Here I come.
"Okay!"
(Laughter)
One night right before bed, we were playing hide-and-seek,
and he went to hide in his sister's room, and I counted.
And I went down the hallway to find him,
and I turned the corner to go into his sister's room,
and what I saw in front of me made me go like this.
And I was so glad at that moment that I had my cell phone in my pocket,
because I pulled it out and I snapped a picture.
And I'm going to show that picture to you now,
and I want you to look closely.
I apologize that it's a little dark and grainy,
but see if you can find Myles.
(Laughter)
I told you he was bad at it.
(Laughter)
If you can't tell, he is laying on his sister's giant pink unicorn
with a Disney Princesses pillow over his face ...
How many of you here have kids?
And have seen something like this before? Yes?
So you know what's happening here.
Myles believes what?
That because he can't see me, I must not be able to see him.
And if you have kids, you know that this is something
that he will eventually grow out of, right?
Well ...
(Laughter)
It turns out ... only in part.
It turns out
that while Myles will eventually grow into the ability
to orient himself to another person's perspective
as far as what they physically see,
it will be a rare thing indeed
for him to orient himself to another person's perspective
to better understand why they say what they say
and do what they do.
It turns out that as adults, we're pretty bad at that.
We don't do it often.
We don't do it well.
And that has everything to do with why gossip starts and spreads at work.
Now, I'm going to share a little bit of the psychology behind this with you today,
but first I want to talk about what happens at work
when one person is a little honked off at somebody else.
Oh, but in fairness to Myles,
I should tell you he's not the only Mull child who was bad at hide-and-seek.
His older sister Lilly was not exactly a cat burglar either.
(Laughter)
Let's talk about what happens at work
when one person is upset or bothered by something said or done by another.
When employee number 1
is upset or bothered by something said or done by employee number 2,
does employee number 1 go to employee number 2 and say,
"Excuse me ...
(Chuckling)
This happened,
I'm having a little bit of a reaction.
Why don't we sit down and talk about it like adults?"
Does that happen where you work?
Audience: No.
What does employee number 1 do instead?
They go to another, they phone a friend - you got it.
They go to a co-worker, a peer, a friend, a confidant,
and they say, "Hey, come here."
Now, for our educational purposes today,
let's pretend that these people all work together in a doctor's office.
Employee number 1 goes to their colleague and say,
"Hey, come here.
Do you believe that I have roomed 14 patients this morning,
and she has only roomed 3?
I don't know what her deal is, but I am done with her."
And now, here's the interesting thing:
the other person has almost the exact same reaction every time,
regardless of the industry they work in,
their job title,
or the nature of the complaint they just heard.
In almost every case,
when employee number 1 goes to their friend, their compatriot at work,
and says, "Hey, get this,"
the other person hears the complaint, and then leans in and says,
"I know! "
(Laughter)
"She did that to me last week too!"
"Uh-huh.’’ "Uh-huh.’’ "Uh-huh.’’
And then all of a sudden,
we've got ourselves a little drama triangle.
This is how drama starts in the workplace.
And now, to be clear, I'm not using that term, "drama triangle," to be cute.
This is a predictable pattern of human behavior
that has been around for decades
and was first published in the late '60s
by a psychotherapist named Stephen Karpman.
And when he published it, he named it "the drama triangle."
Now, these types of patterns of behavior don't just happen at work.
They happen in groups of all shapes and sizes.
If you go to a church, this happens there.
If you live in a neighborhood, this happens there.
This even happens in your own family.
Tell the truth:
when you're frustrated with your mom,
do you call your mom, or do you call your sister?
(Laughter)
"Listen, I'm done with Mom. You talk to her."
(Laughter)
And this is such a predictable, common pattern of behavior
that these roles have names.
Employee number 1 is called "the victim."
That's how they see themselves.
"I am being wronged in some way by employee number 2."
The other person is called "the rescuer."
That's how they see themselves.
"My colleague needs me, my help, my counsel, my advice.
They need me to be an ear and to be supportive."
And that's bunk.
They're really only there for two reasons.
First, it's nice to be included in the scuttlebutt,
and second,
"I'm kind of a little bit glad it's not about me."
And then, the third person is called "the persecutor."
And I'm sorry for my handwriting.
But that is how they are viewed by the other folks in this drama triangle.
They're a bad person, of bad character,
making bad choices.
Now, drama triangles form for a couple of reasons.
Most simply to understand is that they are just easier.
It is almost always easier for employee number 1
to seek out the comfort of validation
than it is to step into the discomfort of confrontation.
It's easier to find someone to tell you you're right
than it is to go have an uncomfortable conversation
where you could be wrong or look foolish.
But the reality is there is a lot more happening here
that takes place before anybody in this pattern talks to anybody else.
It turns out there are some shortcuts that our brains take
that lead us into this predictable pattern of behavior
without us even knowing it has happened.
Let me give you an example.
What do you assume about someone who is late to work?
"Lazy," "They don't care,"
"Selfish."
Listen to all the answers that come out.
When I ask this question in workshops
or when I'm doing team development work with an organization,
the answers that come out in response to that question
are almost always a list of character flaws.
"They're lazy, uncommitted,"
"They don't care," "They're not organized" -
it's some version of
"They didn't do what they needed to do
to be where they needed to be when they needed to be there."
But what about when you're late to work?
What's the reason then?
Traffic? (Laughter)
Whatever the reason, it's a good one, isn't it?
(Laughter)
The truth is that we are hardwired
to more favorably judge ourselves and more harshly judge others.
These are shortcuts that our brains take every day,
biases that our brains have in favor of us
and against everybody else.
The first bias I want you to be aware of that leads to gossip at work
is called "the illusory superiority bias."
I don't need you to remember the name; I just want you to know what it means.
We are hardwired to inflate and overestimate our talents,
capabilities, judgment.
The most famous example of this is a study that was done of drivers,
that asked drivers to rate their skill behind the wheel.
And do you know that 93% of drivers
would rate themselves as an above-average driver?
I'm going to let you sit with that one for a minute.
(Laughter)
In other words, 93% of drivers would rate themselves as better
than 50% of all drivers.
You know this too.
You see it where you work.
Let's imagine for a moment that I brought everybody at your company into this room,
and I said, "Congratulations, everybody here is getting a raise -
somewhere between 2% and 4%, based on merit.
Here's an index card.
Write down on this card
what percentage of pay increase you believe you should get."
First off, what does nobody write down?
Nobody writes down 2%.
You know what else nobody writes down?
3%.
(Laughter)
Nobody raises their hand and says, "I'm average."
They write 3.1%.
And you have a couple of people working for you who write 4%.
And the one guys who's like,
7% - who cleaned out the skanky staff refrigerator in the lounge this week?
This guy right here.
Boom!
(Laughter)
We overestimate our own skills and abilities.
We even do this at home.
How many of you have ever planned a Saturday project around the house
and thought, "This will take me about four hours,"
and it took you four weekends?
(Laughter)
We are hardwired to more favorably judge ourselves than we should.
It's almost as if there's an angel sitting on our shoulder,
whispering in our ear every day,
"You are the best."
(Laughter)
"You are such a good person."
(Laughter)
"You're amazing!"
And we believe her.
(Laughter)
But here's the rub:
the angel doesn't ride alone.
On the other shoulder sits a devil who also whispers in our ear
and whose job it is to evaluate everybody else.
The devil is another bias we carry with us every day,
called "the fundamental attribution error."
You see, social science researchers have figured out
that when we evaluate another person's choices or behavior,
we decide that it is due not to situations but to character.
In other words, when you see someone do a questionable thing,
you immediately decide they're of questionable character.
That guy who cut you off in traffic?
"Who does he think he is?
He must be selfish, entitled. What an idiot!"
That co-worker who's moving slowly today?
"Doesn't care, doesn't try."
What do you assume about someone who's late to work?
"Lazy," "Unorganized," "Uncommitted."
We have a devil who sits on our shoulder every day and whispers into our ear,
and what they whisper into our ear is a made-up story
about why people do what they do,
and that story almost always assumes malice.
So why does gossip start and spread at work?
Because like a three-year-old playing hide-and-seek,
we get so caught up in the moment,
that we don't pause to orient ourself to another person's perspective,
to better understand why they do what they do
and say what they say.
Instead, the biases of our brains whisper in our ears every single day
that, "On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a 7, baby,
and everybody else is a 4."
And when we start to believe that, when we listen to those biases,
when we decide that our choices and behavior are virtuous
and that others' are less so,
it gives us permission to experience contempt.
And then, we invite others to join us in that contempt.
The truth is, if you want to cut down on gossip in the workplace,
there are two core behaviors you need to ask your team to make a commitment to:
assume good intent
and go to the source.
Assuming good intent is simply pausing and asking a very important question:
"What would be a perfectly legitimate explanation for this person's behavior?"
"What would make a good person act this way?"
That guy who cut you off in traffic?
Maybe he is an entitled jerk,
or maybe he's on the way to the hospital for a family emergency.
That co-worker who's moving slowly?
Yeah, maybe she doesn't care,
or maybe her boss asked her to slow down.
That person who was late to work?
Maybe their kid spilled orange juice on their pants
right when they were walking out the door.
Assuming good intent is how we mute the devil on our shoulder
because it pushes contempt aside,
and it forces us to reach for empathy.
"Why would a good person act this way?" is a question we can ask ourselves
that immediately turns us into a more emotionally intelligent member of a team.
The other behavior is to go to the source,
is to do exactly what I described earlier,
to go to a co-worker and say,
"Hey, this happened, it's bothering me, I'm having a reaction.
We should talk about it."
And if you can get the members of your teams
to commit to just those two behaviors,
well, you've just planted the building blocks for teamwork
because those are core behaviors that lead to healthy conflict in the workplace
and steer us away from patterns of unhealthy conflict.
Oh, and you'll still have some gossip in the corners
and whispered conversations in the hallways,
but they will sound a little bit different.
Now, employee number 1 goes to a co-worker and says,
"Hey,
do you believe that Jane pulled Jack aside this morning
and said that it was bothering her
that he wasn't moving fast enough or pulling his weight?
And he handled that really well."
At which point in time, the other person can lean in and quietly reply,
"I know!"
(Laughter)
Thank you.
(Applause)