[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.76,0:00:06.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When my son Myles\Nwas three years old, he fell in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.22,0:00:10.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The object of his affection was a game:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.53,0:00:11.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hide-and-seek.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:12.32,0:00:15.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And though I love Myles dearly,\NI'm not afraid to tell you
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.39,0:00:16.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that he was terrible at it.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.97,0:00:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.00,0:00:22.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First, because he would tell you\Nwhere he was going to hide.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.21,0:00:25.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He would say, "Daddy,\Nyou count, I hide in here."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.86,0:00:27.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.22,0:00:30.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second reason\Nhe was terrible at hide-and-seek
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.09,0:00:32.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is because after finding his hiding place,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.53,0:00:34.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he would get himself into his tight spot,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.52,0:00:37.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then he would spend\Nthe entire time there giggling.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.64,0:00:38.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.80,0:00:40.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sorry, but if you're\Nplaying hide-and-seek
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.95,0:00:42.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you emit a continuous beacon of sound,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.95,0:00:44.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're just bad at it!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.16,0:00:45.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:45.20,0:00:47.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the third reason\Nhe was bad at hide-and-seek
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.76,0:00:51.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is because of what would happen\Nafter the counting.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.18,0:00:54.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He would go and hide,\NI would put my face against the wall -
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.12,0:00:55.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you know how this works, right? -
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.88,0:00:59.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,," ... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Ready or not!"
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.77,0:01:01.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Audience) Here I come.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.24,0:01:02.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Okay!"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.87,0:01:04.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.96,0:01:11.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One night right before bed,\Nwe were playing hide-and-seek,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.24,0:01:13.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he went to hide\Nin his sister's room, and I counted.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.86,0:01:15.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I went down the hallway to find him,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.83,0:01:18.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I turned the corner\Nto go into his sister's room,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.34,0:01:20.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what I saw in front of me\Nmade me go like this.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.45,0:01:24.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was so glad at that moment\Nthat I had my cell phone in my pocket,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.80,0:01:27.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I pulled it out\Nand I snapped a picture.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.19,0:01:29.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm going to show\Nthat picture to you now,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.39,0:01:30.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I want you to look closely.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.88,0:01:33.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I apologize that it's\Na little dark and grainy,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.10,0:01:35.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but see if you can find Myles.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.72,0:01:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.57,0:01:45.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I told you he was bad at it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.18,0:01:46.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.70,0:01:50.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you can't tell, he is laying\Non his sister's giant pink unicorn
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.12,0:01:54.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a Disney Princesses\Npillow over his face ...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.48,0:01:56.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How many of you here have kids?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:56.70,0:01:59.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And have seen something\Nlike this before? Yes?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.75,0:02:02.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So you know what's happening here.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.12,0:02:04.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Myles believes what?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.02,0:02:08.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That because he can't see me,\NI must not be able to see him.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.70,0:02:11.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you have kids,\Nyou know that this is something
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.17,0:02:13.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that he will eventually\Ngrow out of, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.87,0:02:16.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well ...
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.02,0:02:17.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.14,0:02:20.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It turns out ... only in part.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.21,0:02:21.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It turns out
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.36,0:02:25.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that while Myles will eventually\Ngrow into the ability
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.19,0:02:28.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to orient himself\Nto another person's perspective
Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.32,0:02:30.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as far as what they physically see,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.60,0:02:32.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it will be a rare thing indeed
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.39,0:02:35.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for him to orient himself\Nto another person's perspective
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.59,0:02:38.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to better understand\Nwhy they say what they say
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.43,0:02:39.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and do what they do.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.19,0:02:43.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It turns out that as adults,\Nwe're pretty bad at that.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.88,0:02:45.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We don't do it often.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.48,0:02:47.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We don't do it well.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.09,0:02:52.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that has everything to do with why\Ngossip starts and spreads at work.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.72,0:02:56.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I'm going to share a little bit of\Nthe psychology behind this with you today,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.87,0:02:59.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but first I want to talk about\Nwhat happens at work
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.32,0:03:02.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when one person is\Na little honked off at somebody else.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.70,0:03:05.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, but in fairness to Myles,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.53,0:03:09.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I should tell you he's not the only\NMull child who was bad at hide-and-seek.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.53,0:03:12.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,His older sister Lilly was not exactly\Na cat burglar either.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.89,0:03:14.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.44,0:03:20.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's talk about what happens at work
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.93,0:03:25.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when one person is upset or bothered\Nby something said or done by another.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.99,0:03:28.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When employee number 1
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.46,0:03:33.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is upset or bothered by something said\Nor done by employee number 2,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.41,0:03:37.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,does employee number 1\Ngo to employee number 2 and say,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.36,0:03:38.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Excuse me ...
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.43,0:03:39.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Chuckling)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.48,0:03:40.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This happened,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.93,0:03:43.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm having a little bit of a reaction.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.41,0:03:46.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why don't we sit down\Nand talk about it like adults?"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.23,0:03:47.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Does that happen where you work?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.88,0:03:48.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Audience: No.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.90,0:03:51.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What does employee number 1 do instead?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.70,0:03:55.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They go to another,\Nthey phone a friend - you got it.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.97,0:04:00.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They go to a co-worker,\Na peer, a friend, a confidant,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.81,0:04:03.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they say, "Hey, come here."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.48,0:04:06.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, for our educational purposes today,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.06,0:04:10.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let's pretend that these people\Nall work together in a doctor's office.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.06,0:04:12.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Employee number 1 goes\Nto their colleague and say,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.40,0:04:13.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey, come here.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.87,0:04:18.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you believe that I have roomed\N14 patients this morning,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.88,0:04:21.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she has only roomed 3?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.89,0:04:25.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know what her deal is,\Nbut I am done with her."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.70,0:04:27.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now, here's the interesting thing:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.95,0:04:32.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the other person has almost\Nthe exact same reaction every time,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.99,0:04:35.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,regardless of the industry they work in,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.56,0:04:36.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,their job title,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.93,0:04:39.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or the nature of\Nthe complaint they just heard.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.80,0:04:41.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In almost every case,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.05,0:04:44.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when employee number 1 goes\Nto their friend, their compatriot at work,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.36,0:04:46.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and says, "Hey, get this,"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.39,0:04:50.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the other person hears the complaint,\Nand then leans in and says,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.23,0:04:52.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I know! "
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.58,0:04:53.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.100,0:04:56.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"She did that to me last week too!"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:56.42,0:04:57.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Uh-huh.’’ "Uh-huh.’’ "Uh-huh.’’
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.95,0:04:59.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then all of a sudden,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.19,0:05:03.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we've got ourselves\Na little drama triangle.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.49,0:05:06.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is how drama starts in the workplace.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.76,0:05:10.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And now, to be clear, I'm not using\Nthat term, "drama triangle," to be cute.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.79,0:05:13.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is a predictable pattern\Nof human behavior
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.04,0:05:14.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that has been around for decades
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.73,0:05:16.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and was first published in the late '60s
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.75,0:05:19.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by a psychotherapist\Nnamed Stephen Karpman.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.21,0:05:23.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when he published it,\Nhe named it "the drama triangle."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.20,0:05:28.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, these types of patterns of behavior\Ndon't just happen at work.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:28.60,0:05:30.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They happen in groups\Nof all shapes and sizes.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.83,0:05:33.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you go to a church, this happens there.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.58,0:05:36.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you live in a neighborhood,\Nthis happens there.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.62,0:05:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This even happens in your own family.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.00,0:05:40.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tell the truth:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.16,0:05:42.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you're frustrated with your mom,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.07,0:05:45.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,do you call your mom,\Nor do you call your sister?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.32,0:05:46.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.74,0:05:49.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Listen, I'm done with Mom.\NYou talk to her."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.04,0:05:50.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.61,0:05:54.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is such a predictable,\Ncommon pattern of behavior
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.68,0:05:56.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that these roles have names.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.83,0:06:00.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Employee number 1 is called "the victim."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.21,0:06:01.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's how they see themselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.78,0:06:05.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I am being wronged in some way\Nby employee number 2."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.61,0:06:09.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The other person is called "the rescuer."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.32,0:06:11.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's how they see themselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.13,0:06:15.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"My colleague needs me,\Nmy help, my counsel, my advice.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.13,0:06:18.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They need me to be an ear\Nand to be supportive."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.19,0:06:20.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's bunk.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.15,0:06:22.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're really only there for two reasons.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.16,0:06:25.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First, it's nice to be included\Nin the scuttlebutt,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.78,0:06:26.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and second,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.79,0:06:29.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm kind of a little bit glad\Nit's not about me."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.70,0:06:34.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, the third person\Nis called "the persecutor."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.33,0:06:36.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm sorry for my handwriting.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.10,0:06:40.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But that is how they are viewed\Nby the other folks in this drama triangle.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.94,0:06:43.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're a bad person, of bad character,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.55,0:06:45.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,making bad choices.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.40,0:06:49.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, drama triangles form\Nfor a couple of reasons.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.29,0:06:54.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most simply to understand\Nis that they are just easier.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.64,0:06:57.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is almost always easier\Nfor employee number 1
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.61,0:07:00.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to seek out the comfort of validation
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.19,0:07:03.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than it is to step into\Nthe discomfort of confrontation.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.60,0:07:06.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easier to find someone\Nto tell you you're right
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.04,0:07:08.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than it is to go have\Nan uncomfortable conversation
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.47,0:07:10.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you could be wrong or look foolish.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.91,0:07:14.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the reality is there is\Na lot more happening here
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.39,0:07:19.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that takes place before anybody\Nin this pattern talks to anybody else.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.48,0:07:23.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It turns out there are some shortcuts\Nthat our brains take
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.44,0:07:27.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that lead us into this\Npredictable pattern of behavior
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.33,0:07:31.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without us even knowing it has happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.02,0:07:32.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me give you an example.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.21,0:07:36.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What do you assume\Nabout someone who is late to work?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.77,0:07:40.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Lazy," "They don't care,"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.19,0:07:42.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Selfish."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.67,0:07:44.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Listen to all the answers that come out.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.62,0:07:47.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I ask this question in workshops
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.24,0:07:50.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or when I'm doing team development work\Nwith an organization,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.17,0:07:54.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the answers that come out\Nin response to that question
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.27,0:07:56.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are almost always\Na list of character flaws.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.84,0:07:58.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"They're lazy, uncommitted,"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.18,0:08:00.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"They don't care,"\N"They're not organized" -
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.24,0:08:01.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's some version of
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.26,0:08:03.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"They didn't do what they needed to do
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.08,0:08:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be where they needed to be\Nwhen they needed to be there."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.18,0:08:08.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what about when you're late to work?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.91,0:08:10.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's the reason then?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.82,0:08:13.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Traffic?\N(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.59,0:08:16.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whatever the reason,\Nit's a good one, isn't it?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.06,0:08:17.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.38,0:08:20.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The truth is that we are hardwired
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.38,0:08:24.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to more favorably judge ourselves\Nand more harshly judge others.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.08,0:08:26.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are shortcuts\Nthat our brains take every day,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.90,0:08:31.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,biases that our brains have in favor of us
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.95,0:08:34.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and against everybody else.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.84,0:08:38.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first bias I want you to be aware of\Nthat leads to gossip at work
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.08,0:08:40.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is called "the illusory superiority bias."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.24,0:08:43.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't need you to remember the name;\NI just want you to know what it means.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.86,0:08:48.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are hardwired to inflate\Nand overestimate our talents,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.27,0:08:50.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,capabilities, judgment.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:50.93,0:08:54.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The most famous example of this\Nis a study that was done of drivers,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.46,0:08:58.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that asked drivers to rate\Ntheir skill behind the wheel.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.23,0:09:00.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And do you know that 93% of drivers
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.33,0:09:02.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would rate themselves\Nas an above-average driver?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.68,0:09:05.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to let you sit\Nwith that one for a minute.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.13,0:09:06.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.16,0:09:09.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In other words, 93% of drivers\Nwould rate themselves as better
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.49,0:09:12.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than 50% of all drivers.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.25,0:09:14.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know this too.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:14.48,0:09:16.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see it where you work.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.12,0:09:20.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's imagine for a moment that I brought\Neverybody at your company into this room,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.07,0:09:23.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I said, "Congratulations,\Neverybody here is getting a raise -
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.78,0:09:27.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somewhere between 2% and 4%,\Nbased on merit.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.69,0:09:29.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's an index card.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.11,0:09:30.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Write down on this card
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.65,0:09:34.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what percentage of pay increase\Nyou believe you should get."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.61,0:09:37.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First off, what does nobody write down?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.07,0:09:38.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody writes down 2%.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.36,0:09:40.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know what else nobody writes down?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.72,0:09:41.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,3%.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:41.82,0:09:42.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.93,0:09:45.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody raises their hand\Nand says, "I'm average."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.71,0:09:49.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They write 3.1%.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.68,0:09:52.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you have a couple of people\Nworking for you who write 4%.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.28,0:09:54.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the one guys who's like,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.83,0:09:58.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,7% - who cleaned out the skanky staff\Nrefrigerator in the lounge this week?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:58.52,0:10:00.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This guy right here.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.13,0:10:01.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Boom!"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.35,0:10:02.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.80,0:10:06.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We overestimate\Nour own skills and abilities.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.25,0:10:07.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We even do this at home.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.42,0:10:10.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How many of you have ever planned\Na Saturday project around the house
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.68,0:10:13.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and thought, "This will take me\Nabout four hours,"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.05,0:10:14.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it took you four weekends?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.86,0:10:16.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.48,0:10:20.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are hardwired to more favorably\Njudge ourselves than we should.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.31,0:10:23.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's almost as if there's an angel\Nsitting on our shoulder,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.08,0:10:25.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whispering in our ear every day,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.07,0:10:27.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You are the best."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.26,0:10:28.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.52,0:10:31.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You are such a good person."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.02,0:10:31.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.98,0:10:34.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You're amazing!"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.90,0:10:36.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we believe her.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:36.36,0:10:37.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.67,0:10:39.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But here's the rub:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.53,0:10:41.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the angel doesn't ride alone.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:41.68,0:10:46.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the other shoulder sits a devil\Nwho also whispers in our ear
Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.05,0:10:49.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and whose job it is\Nto evaluate everybody else.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.40,0:10:53.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The devil is another bias\Nwe carry with us every day,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.04,0:10:55.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,called "the fundamental\Nattribution error."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.04,0:10:57.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see, social science\Nresearchers have figured out
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.93,0:11:02.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that when we evaluate\Nanother person's choices or behavior,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.47,0:11:08.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we decide that it is due\Nnot to situations but to character.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.61,0:11:12.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In other words, when you see someone\Ndo a questionable thing,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.14,0:11:16.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you immediately decide\Nthey're of questionable character.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.22,0:11:18.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That guy who cut you off in traffic?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:18.09,0:11:20.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Who does he think he is?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:20.61,0:11:24.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He must be selfish, entitled.\NWhat an idiot!"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.77,0:11:27.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That co-worker who's moving slowly today?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.44,0:11:29.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Doesn't care, doesn't try."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.63,0:11:33.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What do you assume\Nabout someone who's late to work?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.30,0:11:36.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Lazy," "Unorganized," "Uncommitted."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.94,0:11:40.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a devil who sits on our shoulder\Nevery day and whispers into our ear,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.56,0:11:43.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what they whisper\Ninto our ear is a made-up story
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.04,0:11:44.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about why people do what they do,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.64,0:11:48.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that story almost always\Nassumes malice.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.82,0:11:53.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So why does gossip start\Nand spread at work?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.11,0:11:55.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because like a three-year-old\Nplaying hide-and-seek,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.56,0:11:57.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we get so caught up in the moment,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.20,0:12:00.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we don't pause to orient ourself\Nto another person's perspective,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:00.48,0:12:02.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to better understand\Nwhy they do what they do
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.63,0:12:03.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and say what they say.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.90,0:12:08.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, the biases of our brains\Nwhisper in our ears every single day
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.56,0:12:11.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that, "On a scale of 1 to 10,\NI'm a 7, baby,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.16,0:12:14.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and everybody else is a 4."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:15.44,0:12:19.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when we start to believe that,\Nwhen we listen to those biases,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:19.39,0:12:22.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we decide that our choices\Nand behavior are virtuous
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.57,0:12:24.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that others' are less so,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:24.58,0:12:28.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it gives us permission\Nto experience contempt.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.03,0:12:33.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, we invite others\Nto join us in that contempt.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.19,0:12:38.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The truth is, if you want to cut down\Non gossip in the workplace,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.07,0:12:43.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are two core behaviors you need\Nto ask your team to make a commitment to:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.23,0:12:45.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,assume good intent
Dialogue: 0,0:12:45.02,0:12:46.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and go to the source.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.86,0:12:51.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Assuming good intent is simply pausing\Nand asking a very important question:
Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.65,0:12:56.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What would be a perfectly legitimate\Nexplanation for this person's behavior?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.68,0:13:00.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What would make\Na good person act this way?"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.72,0:13:02.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That guy who cut you off in traffic?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.50,0:13:05.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe he is an entitled jerk,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.91,0:13:09.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or maybe he's on the way to the hospital\Nfor a family emergency.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:09.40,0:13:11.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That co-worker who's moving slowly?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.22,0:13:12.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah, maybe she doesn't care,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.90,0:13:15.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or maybe her boss asked her to slow down.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.21,0:13:19.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That person who was late to work?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.08,0:13:21.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe their kid spilled\Norange juice on their pants
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.98,0:13:24.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,right when they were walking out the door.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.78,0:13:28.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Assuming good intent is how\Nwe mute the devil on our shoulder
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.56,0:13:32.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it pushes contempt aside,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.32,0:13:34.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it forces us to reach for empathy.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.46,0:13:39.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why would a good person act this way?"\Nis a question we can ask ourselves
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.60,0:13:44.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that immediately turns us into a more\Nemotionally intelligent member of a team.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.52,0:13:47.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The other behavior is to go to the source,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.05,0:13:49.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to do exactly what I described earlier,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:49.84,0:13:51.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to go to a co-worker and say,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.23,0:13:54.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey, this happened, it's bothering me,\NI'm having a reaction.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.19,0:13:55.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We should talk about it."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.46,0:13:57.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you can get\Nthe members of your teams
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.51,0:14:00.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to commit to just those two behaviors,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.58,0:14:04.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,well, you've just planted\Nthe building blocks for teamwork
Dialogue: 0,0:14:04.60,0:14:09.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because those are core behaviors that lead\Nto healthy conflict in the workplace
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.82,0:14:14.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and steer us away from patterns\Nof unhealthy conflict.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:14.45,0:14:16.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh, and you'll still have\Nsome gossip in the corners
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.98,0:14:19.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and whispered conversations\Nin the hallways,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.62,0:14:22.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they will sound\Na little bit different.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.67,0:14:26.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, employee number 1\Ngoes to a co-worker and says,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.06,0:14:27.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.47,0:14:31.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,do you believe that Jane\Npulled Jack aside this morning
Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.11,0:14:32.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and said that it was bothering her
Dialogue: 0,0:14:32.76,0:14:35.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that he wasn't moving fast enough\Nor pulling his weight?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.39,0:14:37.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he handled that really well."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.02,0:14:41.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At which point in time, the other person\Ncan lean in and quietly reply,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:41.55,0:14:43.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I know!"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.02,0:14:44.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.70,0:14:46.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:46.06,0:14:47.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)