0:00:02.762,0:00:06.364
When my son Myles[br]was three years old, he fell in love.

0:00:07.224,0:00:10.197
The object of his affection was a game:

0:00:10.527,0:00:11.950
hide-and-seek.

0:00:12.320,0:00:15.390
And though I love Myles dearly,[br]I'm not afraid to tell you

0:00:15.390,0:00:16.968
that he was terrible at it.

0:00:16.968,0:00:18.001
(Laughter)

0:00:18.001,0:00:22.209
First, because he would tell you[br]where he was going to hide.

0:00:22.209,0:00:25.855
He would say, "Daddy,[br]you count, I hide in here."

0:00:25.855,0:00:27.224
(Laughter)

0:00:27.224,0:00:30.091
The second reason[br]he was terrible at hide-and-seek

0:00:30.091,0:00:32.534
is because after finding his hiding place,

0:00:32.534,0:00:34.515
he would get himself into his tight spot,

0:00:34.515,0:00:37.639
and then he would spend[br]the entire time there giggling.

0:00:37.639,0:00:38.800
(Laughter)

0:00:38.800,0:00:40.946
I'm sorry, but if you're[br]playing hide-and-seek

0:00:40.946,0:00:42.953
and you emit a continuous beacon of sound,

0:00:42.953,0:00:44.163
you're just bad at it!

0:00:44.163,0:00:45.203
(Laughter)

0:00:45.203,0:00:47.765
And the third reason[br]he was bad at hide-and-seek

0:00:47.765,0:00:51.183
is because of what would happen[br]after the counting.

0:00:51.183,0:00:54.117
He would go and hide,[br]I would put my face against the wall -

0:00:54.117,0:00:55.882
and you know how this works, right? -

0:00:55.882,0:00:59.769
" ... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Ready or not!"

0:00:59.769,0:01:01.241
(Audience) Here I come.

0:01:01.241,0:01:02.868
"Okay!"

0:01:02.868,0:01:04.405
(Laughter)

0:01:07.965,0:01:11.240
One night right before bed,[br]we were playing hide-and-seek,

0:01:11.240,0:01:13.864
and he went to hide[br]in his sister's room, and I counted.

0:01:13.864,0:01:15.832
And I went down the hallway to find him,

0:01:15.832,0:01:18.343
and I turned the corner[br]to go into his sister's room,

0:01:18.343,0:01:20.888
and what I saw in front of me[br]made me go like this.

0:01:21.448,0:01:24.801
And I was so glad at that moment[br]that I had my cell phone in my pocket,

0:01:24.801,0:01:27.191
because I pulled it out[br]and I snapped a picture.

0:01:27.191,0:01:29.388
And I'm going to show[br]that picture to you now,

0:01:29.388,0:01:30.881
and I want you to look closely.

0:01:30.881,0:01:33.101
I apologize that it's[br]a little dark and grainy,

0:01:33.101,0:01:35.700
but see if you can find Myles.

0:01:36.720,0:01:39.003
(Laughter)

0:01:43.573,0:01:45.182
I told you he was bad at it.

0:01:45.182,0:01:46.698
(Laughter)

0:01:46.698,0:01:50.120
If you can't tell, he is laying[br]on his sister's giant pink unicorn

0:01:50.120,0:01:54.042
with a Disney Princesses[br]pillow over his face ...

0:01:54.479,0:01:56.258
How many of you here have kids?

0:01:56.700,0:01:59.754
And have seen something[br]like this before? Yes?

0:01:59.754,0:02:02.121
So you know what's happening here.

0:02:02.121,0:02:04.017
Myles believes what?

0:02:04.017,0:02:08.702
That because he can't see me,[br]I must not be able to see him.

0:02:08.702,0:02:11.173
And if you have kids,[br]you know that this is something

0:02:11.173,0:02:13.538
that he will eventually[br]grow out of, right?

0:02:14.868,0:02:16.020
Well ...

0:02:16.020,0:02:17.141
(Laughter)

0:02:17.141,0:02:20.213
It turns out ... only in part.

0:02:20.213,0:02:21.360
It turns out

0:02:21.360,0:02:25.194
that while Myles will eventually[br]grow into the ability

0:02:25.194,0:02:28.318
to orient himself[br]to another person's perspective

0:02:28.318,0:02:30.601
as far as what they physically see,

0:02:30.601,0:02:32.389
it will be a rare thing indeed

0:02:32.389,0:02:35.591
for him to orient himself[br]to another person's perspective

0:02:35.591,0:02:38.426
to better understand[br]why they say what they say

0:02:38.426,0:02:39.844
and do what they do.

0:02:40.194,0:02:43.878
It turns out that as adults,[br]we're pretty bad at that.

0:02:43.878,0:02:45.483
We don't do it often.

0:02:45.483,0:02:47.089
We don't do it well.

0:02:47.089,0:02:52.720
And that has everything to do with why[br]gossip starts and spreads at work.

0:02:52.720,0:02:56.868
Now, I'm going to share a little bit of[br]the psychology behind this with you today,

0:02:56.868,0:02:59.315
but first I want to talk about[br]what happens at work

0:02:59.315,0:03:02.696
when one person is[br]a little honked off at somebody else.

0:03:02.696,0:03:05.531
Oh, but in fairness to Myles,

0:03:05.531,0:03:09.527
I should tell you he's not the only[br]Mull child who was bad at hide-and-seek.

0:03:09.527,0:03:12.891
His older sister Lilly was not exactly[br]a cat burglar either.

0:03:12.891,0:03:14.964
(Laughter)

0:03:18.444,0:03:20.930
Let's talk about what happens at work

0:03:20.930,0:03:25.991
when one person is upset or bothered[br]by something said or done by another.

0:03:25.991,0:03:28.465
When employee number 1

0:03:28.465,0:03:33.408
is upset or bothered by something said[br]or done by employee number 2,

0:03:33.408,0:03:37.356
does employee number 1[br]go to employee number 2 and say,

0:03:37.356,0:03:38.434
"Excuse me ...

0:03:38.434,0:03:39.484
(Chuckling)

0:03:39.484,0:03:40.927
This happened,

0:03:40.927,0:03:43.407
I'm having a little bit of a reaction.

0:03:43.407,0:03:46.229
Why don't we sit down[br]and talk about it like adults?"

0:03:46.229,0:03:47.884
Does that happen where you work?

0:03:47.884,0:03:48.898
Audience: No.

0:03:48.898,0:03:51.060
What does employee number 1 do instead?

0:03:51.700,0:03:55.972
They go to another,[br]they phone a friend - you got it.

0:03:55.972,0:04:00.807
They go to a co-worker,[br]a peer, a friend, a confidant,

0:04:00.807,0:04:03.485
and they say, "Hey, come here."

0:04:03.485,0:04:06.056
Now, for our educational purposes today,

0:04:06.056,0:04:10.057
let's pretend that these people[br]all work together in a doctor's office.

0:04:10.057,0:04:12.398
Employee number 1 goes[br]to their colleague and say,

0:04:12.398,0:04:13.871
"Hey, come here.

0:04:13.871,0:04:18.878
Do you believe that I have roomed[br]14 patients this morning,

0:04:18.878,0:04:21.893
and she has only roomed 3?

0:04:21.893,0:04:25.295
I don't know what her deal is,[br]but I am done with her."

0:04:25.701,0:04:27.948
And now, here's the interesting thing:

0:04:27.948,0:04:32.994
the other person has almost[br]the exact same reaction every time,

0:04:32.994,0:04:35.555
regardless of the industry they work in,

0:04:35.555,0:04:36.926
their job title,

0:04:36.926,0:04:39.800
or the nature of[br]the complaint they just heard.

0:04:39.800,0:04:41.048
In almost every case,

0:04:41.048,0:04:44.360
when employee number 1 goes[br]to their friend, their compatriot at work,

0:04:44.360,0:04:46.388
and says, "Hey, get this,"

0:04:46.388,0:04:50.232
the other person hears the complaint,[br]and then leans in and says,

0:04:50.232,0:04:52.583
"I know! "

0:04:52.583,0:04:53.997
(Laughter)

0:04:53.997,0:04:56.423
"She did that to me last week too!"

0:04:56.423,0:04:57.948
"Uh-huh.’’ "Uh-huh.’’ "Uh-huh.’’

0:04:57.948,0:04:59.193
And then all of a sudden,

0:04:59.193,0:05:03.077
we've got ourselves[br]a little drama triangle.

0:05:03.494,0:05:06.757
This is how drama starts in the workplace.

0:05:06.757,0:05:10.790
And now, to be clear, I'm not using[br]that term, "drama triangle," to be cute.

0:05:10.790,0:05:13.037
This is a predictable pattern[br]of human behavior

0:05:13.037,0:05:14.730
that has been around for decades

0:05:14.730,0:05:16.752
and was first published in the late '60s

0:05:16.752,0:05:19.207
by a psychotherapist[br]named Stephen Karpman.

0:05:19.207,0:05:23.714
And when he published it,[br]he named it "the drama triangle."

0:05:24.204,0:05:28.601
Now, these types of patterns of behavior[br]don't just happen at work.

0:05:28.601,0:05:30.833
They happen in groups[br]of all shapes and sizes.

0:05:30.833,0:05:33.576
If you go to a church, this happens there.

0:05:33.576,0:05:36.621
If you live in a neighborhood,[br]this happens there.

0:05:36.621,0:05:39.003
This even happens in your own family.

0:05:39.003,0:05:40.156
Tell the truth:

0:05:40.156,0:05:42.073
when you're frustrated with your mom,

0:05:42.073,0:05:45.320
do you call your mom,[br]or do you call your sister?

0:05:45.320,0:05:46.741
(Laughter)

0:05:46.741,0:05:49.042
"Listen, I'm done with Mom.[br]You talk to her."

0:05:49.042,0:05:50.381
(Laughter)

0:05:51.611,0:05:54.682
And this is such a predictable,[br]common pattern of behavior

0:05:54.682,0:05:56.833
that these roles have names.

0:05:56.833,0:06:00.210
Employee number 1 is called "the victim."

0:06:00.210,0:06:01.785
That's how they see themselves.

0:06:01.785,0:06:05.606
"I am being wronged in some way[br]by employee number 2."

0:06:05.606,0:06:09.318
The other person is called "the rescuer."

0:06:09.318,0:06:11.131
That's how they see themselves.

0:06:11.131,0:06:15.127
"My colleague needs me,[br]my help, my counsel, my advice.

0:06:15.127,0:06:18.192
They need me to be an ear[br]and to be supportive."

0:06:18.192,0:06:20.147
And that's bunk.

0:06:20.147,0:06:22.156
They're really only there for two reasons.

0:06:22.156,0:06:25.784
First, it's nice to be included[br]in the scuttlebutt,

0:06:25.784,0:06:26.791
and second,

0:06:26.791,0:06:29.698
"I'm kind of a little bit glad[br]it's not about me."

0:06:29.698,0:06:34.332
And then, the third person[br]is called "the persecutor."

0:06:34.332,0:06:36.100
And I'm sorry for my handwriting.

0:06:36.100,0:06:40.942
But that is how they are viewed[br]by the other folks in this drama triangle.

0:06:40.942,0:06:43.554
They're a bad person, of bad character,

0:06:43.554,0:06:45.997
making bad choices.

0:06:46.397,0:06:49.291
Now, drama triangles form[br]for a couple of reasons.

0:06:49.291,0:06:54.106
Most simply to understand[br]is that they are just easier.

0:06:54.636,0:06:57.607
It is almost always easier[br]for employee number 1

0:06:57.607,0:07:00.189
to seek out the comfort of validation

0:07:00.189,0:07:03.600
than it is to step into[br]the discomfort of confrontation.

0:07:03.600,0:07:06.038
It's easier to find someone[br]to tell you you're right

0:07:06.038,0:07:08.470
than it is to go have[br]an uncomfortable conversation

0:07:08.470,0:07:10.906
where you could be wrong or look foolish.

0:07:10.906,0:07:14.392
But the reality is there is[br]a lot more happening here

0:07:14.392,0:07:19.482
that takes place before anybody[br]in this pattern talks to anybody else.

0:07:19.482,0:07:23.439
It turns out there are some shortcuts[br]that our brains take

0:07:23.439,0:07:27.332
that lead us into this[br]predictable pattern of behavior

0:07:27.332,0:07:31.018
without us even knowing it has happened.

0:07:31.018,0:07:32.644
Let me give you an example.

0:07:33.214,0:07:36.659
What do you assume[br]about someone who is late to work?

0:07:38.769,0:07:40.421
"Lazy," "They don't care,"

0:07:41.191,0:07:42.671
"Selfish."

0:07:42.671,0:07:44.615
Listen to all the answers that come out.

0:07:44.615,0:07:47.242
When I ask this question in workshops

0:07:47.242,0:07:50.169
or when I'm doing team development work[br]with an organization,

0:07:50.169,0:07:54.266
the answers that come out[br]in response to that question

0:07:54.266,0:07:56.841
are almost always[br]a list of character flaws.

0:07:56.841,0:07:58.181
"They're lazy, uncommitted,"

0:07:58.181,0:08:00.245
"They don't care,"[br]"They're not organized" -

0:08:00.245,0:08:01.260
it's some version of

0:08:01.260,0:08:03.075
"They didn't do what they needed to do

0:08:03.075,0:08:06.181
to be where they needed to be[br]when they needed to be there."

0:08:06.181,0:08:08.180
But what about when you're late to work?

0:08:08.910,0:08:10.709
What's the reason then?

0:08:11.815,0:08:13.592
Traffic?[br](Laughter)

0:08:13.592,0:08:16.065
Whatever the reason,[br]it's a good one, isn't it?

0:08:16.065,0:08:17.245
(Laughter)

0:08:18.385,0:08:20.380
The truth is that we are hardwired

0:08:20.380,0:08:24.077
to more favorably judge ourselves[br]and more harshly judge others.

0:08:24.077,0:08:26.898
These are shortcuts[br]that our brains take every day,

0:08:26.898,0:08:31.068
biases that our brains have in favor of us

0:08:31.948,0:08:34.837
and against everybody else.

0:08:34.837,0:08:38.078
The first bias I want you to be aware of[br]that leads to gossip at work

0:08:38.078,0:08:40.240
is called "the illusory superiority bias."

0:08:40.240,0:08:43.864
I don't need you to remember the name;[br]I just want you to know what it means.

0:08:43.864,0:08:48.273
We are hardwired to inflate[br]and overestimate our talents,

0:08:48.273,0:08:50.510
capabilities, judgment.

0:08:50.930,0:08:54.465
The most famous example of this[br]is a study that was done of drivers,

0:08:54.465,0:08:58.234
that asked drivers to rate[br]their skill behind the wheel.

0:08:58.234,0:09:00.326
And do you know that 93% of drivers

0:09:00.326,0:09:02.685
would rate themselves[br]as an above-average driver?

0:09:02.685,0:09:05.129
I'm going to let you sit[br]with that one for a minute.

0:09:05.129,0:09:06.163
(Laughter)

0:09:06.163,0:09:09.490
In other words, 93% of drivers[br]would rate themselves as better

0:09:09.490,0:09:12.540
than 50% of all drivers.

0:09:13.250,0:09:14.478
You know this too.

0:09:14.478,0:09:16.119
You see it where you work.

0:09:16.119,0:09:20.072
Let's imagine for a moment that I brought[br]everybody at your company into this room,

0:09:20.072,0:09:23.783
and I said, "Congratulations,[br]everybody here is getting a raise -

0:09:23.783,0:09:27.312
somewhere between 2% and 4%,[br]based on merit.

0:09:27.692,0:09:29.113
Here's an index card.

0:09:29.113,0:09:30.653
Write down on this card

0:09:30.653,0:09:34.216
what percentage of pay increase[br]you believe you should get."

0:09:34.606,0:09:37.069
First off, what does nobody write down?

0:09:37.069,0:09:38.361
Nobody writes down 2%.

0:09:38.361,0:09:40.716
You know what else nobody writes down?

0:09:40.716,0:09:41.820
3%.

0:09:41.820,0:09:42.930
(Laughter)

0:09:42.930,0:09:45.578
Nobody raises their hand[br]and says, "I'm average."

0:09:47.709,0:09:49.681
They write 3.1%.

0:09:49.681,0:09:52.759
And you have a couple of people[br]working for you who write 4%.

0:09:53.276,0:09:54.833
And the one guys who's like,

0:09:54.833,0:09:58.525
7% - who cleaned out the skanky staff[br]refrigerator in the lounge this week?

0:09:58.525,0:10:00.131
This guy right here.

0:10:00.131,0:10:01.352
Boom!"

0:10:01.352,0:10:02.798
(Laughter)

0:10:02.798,0:10:06.248
We overestimate[br]our own skills and abilities.

0:10:06.248,0:10:07.425
We even do this at home.

0:10:07.425,0:10:10.681
How many of you have ever planned[br]a Saturday project around the house

0:10:10.681,0:10:13.046
and thought, "This will take me[br]about four hours,"

0:10:13.046,0:10:14.860
and it took you four weekends?

0:10:14.860,0:10:16.483
(Laughter)

0:10:16.483,0:10:20.307
We are hardwired to more favorably[br]judge ourselves than we should.

0:10:20.307,0:10:23.081
It's almost as if there's an angel[br]sitting on our shoulder,

0:10:23.081,0:10:25.073
whispering in our ear every day,

0:10:25.073,0:10:27.258
"You are the best."

0:10:27.258,0:10:28.523
(Laughter)

0:10:28.523,0:10:31.020
"You are such a good person."

0:10:31.020,0:10:31.976
(Laughter)

0:10:31.976,0:10:34.314
"You're amazing!"

0:10:34.900,0:10:36.363
And we believe her.

0:10:36.363,0:10:37.673
(Laughter)

0:10:37.673,0:10:39.060
But here's the rub:

0:10:39.530,0:10:41.305
the angel doesn't ride alone.

0:10:41.675,0:10:46.052
On the other shoulder sits a devil[br]who also whispers in our ear

0:10:46.052,0:10:49.258
and whose job it is[br]to evaluate everybody else.

0:10:50.398,0:10:53.045
The devil is another bias[br]we carry with us every day,

0:10:53.045,0:10:55.043
called "the fundamental[br]attribution error."

0:10:55.043,0:10:57.931
You see, social science[br]researchers have figured out

0:10:57.931,0:11:02.966
that when we evaluate[br]another person's choices or behavior,

0:11:03.466,0:11:08.227
we decide that it is due[br]not to situations but to character.

0:11:08.607,0:11:12.142
In other words, when you see someone[br]do a questionable thing,

0:11:12.142,0:11:16.225
you immediately decide[br]they're of questionable character.

0:11:16.225,0:11:18.086
That guy who cut you off in traffic?

0:11:18.086,0:11:20.610
"Who does he think he is?

0:11:20.610,0:11:24.059
He must be selfish, entitled.[br]What an idiot!"

0:11:24.769,0:11:27.439
That co-worker who's moving slowly today?

0:11:27.439,0:11:29.783
"Doesn't care, doesn't try."

0:11:30.633,0:11:33.305
What do you assume[br]about someone who's late to work?

0:11:33.305,0:11:36.686
"Lazy," "Unorganized," "Uncommitted."

0:11:36.936,0:11:40.557
We have a devil who sits on our shoulder[br]every day and whispers into our ear,

0:11:40.557,0:11:43.044
and what they whisper[br]into our ear is a made-up story

0:11:43.044,0:11:44.640
about why people do what they do,

0:11:44.640,0:11:48.982
and that story almost always[br]assumes malice.

0:11:49.815,0:11:53.109
So why does gossip start[br]and spread at work?

0:11:53.109,0:11:55.556
Because like a three-year-old[br]playing hide-and-seek,

0:11:55.556,0:11:57.196
we get so caught up in the moment,

0:11:57.196,0:12:00.481
that we don't pause to orient ourself[br]to another person's perspective,

0:12:00.481,0:12:02.628
to better understand[br]why they do what they do

0:12:02.628,0:12:03.896
and say what they say.

0:12:03.896,0:12:08.565
Instead, the biases of our brains[br]whisper in our ears every single day

0:12:08.565,0:12:11.759
that, "On a scale of 1 to 10,[br]I'm a 7, baby,

0:12:12.159,0:12:14.423
and everybody else is a 4."

0:12:15.443,0:12:19.394
And when we start to believe that,[br]when we listen to those biases,

0:12:19.394,0:12:22.567
when we decide that our choices[br]and behavior are virtuous

0:12:22.567,0:12:24.579
and that others' are less so,

0:12:24.579,0:12:28.404
it gives us permission[br]to experience contempt.

0:12:29.034,0:12:33.363
And then, we invite others[br]to join us in that contempt.

0:12:34.193,0:12:38.073
The truth is, if you want to cut down[br]on gossip in the workplace,

0:12:38.073,0:12:43.232
there are two core behaviors you need[br]to ask your team to make a commitment to:

0:12:43.232,0:12:45.018
assume good intent

0:12:45.018,0:12:46.859
and go to the source.

0:12:46.859,0:12:51.732
Assuming good intent is simply pausing[br]and asking a very important question:

0:12:52.653,0:12:56.883
"What would be a perfectly legitimate[br]explanation for this person's behavior?"

0:12:57.683,0:13:00.163
"What would make[br]a good person act this way?"

0:13:00.723,0:13:02.496
That guy who cut you off in traffic?

0:13:02.496,0:13:05.910
Maybe he is an entitled jerk,

0:13:05.910,0:13:09.396
or maybe he's on the way to the hospital[br]for a family emergency.

0:13:09.396,0:13:11.221
That co-worker who's moving slowly?

0:13:11.221,0:13:12.895
Yeah, maybe she doesn't care,

0:13:12.895,0:13:15.728
or maybe her boss asked her to slow down.

0:13:17.208,0:13:19.077
That person who was late to work?

0:13:19.077,0:13:21.984
Maybe their kid spilled[br]orange juice on their pants

0:13:21.984,0:13:24.300
right when they were walking out the door.

0:13:24.780,0:13:28.562
Assuming good intent is how[br]we mute the devil on our shoulder

0:13:28.562,0:13:32.325
because it pushes contempt aside,

0:13:32.325,0:13:34.859
and it forces us to reach for empathy.

0:13:35.459,0:13:39.595
"Why would a good person act this way?"[br]is a question we can ask ourselves

0:13:39.595,0:13:44.090
that immediately turns us into a more[br]emotionally intelligent member of a team.

0:13:44.520,0:13:47.050
The other behavior is to go to the source,

0:13:47.050,0:13:49.467
is to do exactly what I described earlier,

0:13:49.837,0:13:51.232
to go to a co-worker and say,

0:13:51.232,0:13:54.191
"Hey, this happened, it's bothering me,[br]I'm having a reaction.

0:13:54.191,0:13:55.455
We should talk about it."

0:13:55.455,0:13:57.510
And if you can get[br]the members of your teams

0:13:57.510,0:14:00.581
to commit to just those two behaviors,

0:14:00.581,0:14:04.603
well, you've just planted[br]the building blocks for teamwork

0:14:04.603,0:14:09.822
because those are core behaviors that lead[br]to healthy conflict in the workplace

0:14:09.822,0:14:14.449
and steer us away from patterns[br]of unhealthy conflict.

0:14:14.449,0:14:16.982
Oh, and you'll still have[br]some gossip in the corners

0:14:16.982,0:14:19.618
and whispered conversations[br]in the hallways,

0:14:19.618,0:14:22.669
but they will sound[br]a little bit different.

0:14:22.669,0:14:26.062
Now, employee number 1[br]goes to a co-worker and says,

0:14:26.062,0:14:27.474
"Hey,

0:14:27.474,0:14:31.114
do you believe that Jane[br]pulled Jack aside this morning

0:14:31.114,0:14:32.762
and said that it was bothering her

0:14:32.762,0:14:35.391
that he wasn't moving fast enough[br]or pulling his weight?

0:14:35.391,0:14:37.023
And he handled that really well."

0:14:37.023,0:14:41.548
At which point in time, the other person[br]can lean in and quietly reply,

0:14:41.548,0:14:43.024
"I know!"

0:14:43.024,0:14:44.696
(Laughter)

0:14:44.696,0:14:46.063
Thank you.

0:14:46.063,0:14:47.697
(Applause)