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What is a parent?

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It's not an easy question.

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Today we have adoption,

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stepfamilies,

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surrogate mothers.

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Many parents face tough questions

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and tough decisions.

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Shall we tell our child
about the sperm donation?

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If so, when?

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What words to use?

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Sperm donors are often referred
to as "biological fathers,"

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but should we really
be using the word "father?"

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As a philosopher and social scientist,

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I have been studying these questions
about the concept of parenthood.

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But today, I will talk to you
about what I learned

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from talking to parents and children.

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I will show you that they know
what matters most in a family,

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even though their family
looks a little different.

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I will show you their creative ways
of dealing with tough questions.

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But I will also show you
the parents' uncertainties.

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We interviewed couples

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who received fertility treatment
at Ghent University Hospital,

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using sperm from a donor.

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In this treatment timeline,

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you can see two points
at which we conducted interviews.

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We included heterosexual couples,

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where the man for some reason
did not have good-quality sperm,

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and lesbian couples who obviously
needed to find sperm elsewhere.

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We also included children.

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I wanted to know

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how those children define concepts
like parenthood and family.

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In fact, that is what I asked them,

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only not in that way.

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I drew an apple tree instead.

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This way, I could ask abstract,
philosophical questions

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in a way that did not make them run off.

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So as you can see,

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the apple tree is empty.

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And that illustrates my research approach.

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By designing techniques like this,

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I can bring as little meaning and content
as possible to the interview,

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because I want to hear that from them.

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I asked them:

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What would your family look like
if it were an apple tree?

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And they could take a paper apple
for everyone who, in their view,

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was a member of the family,

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write a name on it
and hang it wherever they wanted.

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And I would ask questions.

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Most children started
with a parent or a sibling.

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One started with "Boxer,"

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the dead dog of his grandparents.

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At this point, none of the children
started mentioning the donor.

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So, I asked them about their birth story.

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I said, "Before you were born,

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it was just your mom and dad,

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or mom and mommy.

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Can you tell me how you came
into the family?"

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And they explained.

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One said,

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"My parents did not have good seeds,

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but there are friendly men out there
who have spare seeds.

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They bring them to the hospital,

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and they put them in a big jar.

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My mommy went there,

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and she took two from the jar,

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one for me and one for my sister.

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She put the seeds in her belly --

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somehow --

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and her belly grew really big,

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and there I was."

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Hmm.

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So only when they started
mentioning the donor,

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I asked questions about him,
using their own words.

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I said,

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"If this would be an apple
for the friendly man with the seeds,

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what would you do with it?"

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And one boy was thinking out loud,

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holding the apple.

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And he said,

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"I won't put this one
up there with the others.

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He's not part of my family.

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But I will not put him on the ground.

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That's too cold and too hard.

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I think he should be in the trunk,

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because he made my family possible.

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If he would not have done this,

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that would really be sad
because my family would not be here,

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and I would not be here."

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So also, parents
constructed family tales --

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tales to tell their children.

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One couple explained their insemination

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by taking their children to a farm

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to watch a vet inseminate cows.

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And why not?

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It's their way of explaining;

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their do-it-yourself
with family narratives.

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DIY.

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And we had another couple
who made books --

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a book for each child.

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They were really works of art

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containing their thoughts and feelings
throughout the treatment.

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They even had the hospital
parking tickets in there.

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So it is DIY:

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finding ways, words and images

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to tell your family story to your child.

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And these stories were highly diverse,

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but they all had one thing in common:

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it was a tale of longing for a child

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and a quest for that child.

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It was about how special
and how deeply loved their child was.

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And research so far shows
that these children are doing fine,

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including those from lesbian couples.

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They do not have
more problems than other kids.

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Yet, these parents also wanted
to justify their decisions

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through the tales they tell.

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They hoped that their children
would understand their reasons

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for making the family in this way.

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Underlying was a fear
that their children might disapprove,

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and would reject the non-genetic parent.

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And that fear is understandable,

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because we live in a very heteronormative

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and geneticized society --

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a world that still believes

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that true families consist
of one mom, one dad

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and their genetically related children.

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Well.

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I want to tell you about a teenage boy.

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He was donor-conceived,
but not part of our study.

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One day, he had an argument
with his father,

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and he yelled,

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"You're telling me what to do?

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You're not even my father!"

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That was exactly what
the parents in our study feared.

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Now, the boy soon felt sorry,
and they made up.

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But it is the reaction of his father
that is most interesting.

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He said,

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"This outburst had nothing to do
with the lack of a genetic link.

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It was about puberty --

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being difficult.

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It's what they do at that age.

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It will pass."

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What this man shows us
is that when something goes wrong,

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we should not immediately think

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it is because the family
is a little different.

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These things happen in all families.

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And every now and then,
all parents may wonder:

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Am I a good enough parent?

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These parents, too.

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They, above all, wanted to do
what's best for their child.

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But they also sometimes wondered:

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Am I a real parent?

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And their uncertainties were present
long before they even were parents.

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At the start of treatment,

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when they first saw the counselor,

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they paid close attention
to the counselor,

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because they wanted to do it right.

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Even 10 years later,

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they still remember
the advice they were given.

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So when they thought about the counselor

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and the advice they were given,

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we discussed that.

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And we saw one lesbian couple who said,

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"When our son asks us,

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'Do I have a dad?'

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we will say 'No, you do not have a dad.'

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But we will say nothing more,
not unless he asks,

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because he might not be ready for that.

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The counselor said so."

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Well.

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I don't know; that's quite different

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from how we respond
to children's questions.

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Like, "Milk -- is that made in a factory?"

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We will say, "No, it comes from cows,"

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and we will talk about the farmer,

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and the way the milk ends up in the shop.

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We will not say,

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"No, milk is not made in a factory."

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So something strange happened here,

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and of course these children noticed that.

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One boy said,

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"I asked my parents loads of questions,

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but they acted really weird.

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So, you know, I have a friend at school,
and she's made in the same way.

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When I have a question,
I just go and ask her."

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Clever guy.

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Problem solved.

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But his parents did not notice,

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and it certainly was not
what they had in mind,

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nor what the counselor had in mind

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when they were saying how important
it is to be an open-communication family.

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And that's the strange thing about advice.

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When we offer people pills,
we gather evidence first.

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We do tests,

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we do follow-up studies.

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We want to know, and rightly so,
what this pill is doing,

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and how it affects people's lives.

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And advice?

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It is not enough for advice,

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or for professionals to give advice
that is theoretically sound,

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or well-meant.

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It should be advice
that there is evidence for --

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evidence that it actually
improves patients' lives.

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So the philosopher in me
would now like to offer you a paradox:

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I advise you to stop following advice.

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But, yes.

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(Applause)

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I will not end here with what went wrong;

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I would not be doing justice
to the warmth we found in those families.

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Remember the books
and the trip to the farmer?

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When parents do things that work for them,

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they do brilliant things.

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What I want you to remember
as members of families,

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in no matter what form or shape,

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is that what families need
are warm relationships.

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And we do not need to be
professionals to create those.

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Most of us do just fine,

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although it may be hard work,

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and from time to time,
we can do with some advice.

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In that case,

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bear in mind three things.

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Work with advice
that works for your family.

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Remember -- you're the expert,
because you live your family life.

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And finally,

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believe in your abilities
and your creativity,

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because you can do it yourself.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)