WEBVTT 00:00:07.799 --> 00:00:11.390 My mother was a teacher and my father was a preacher. 00:00:11.390 --> 00:00:13.500 Our family lived in Florence, Alabama, 00:00:13.500 --> 00:00:18.010 a sleepy little river town of Baptists and artists. 00:00:18.010 --> 00:00:19.613 Mostly Baptists. 00:00:20.399 --> 00:00:22.320 Florence is quintessentially southern, 00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:25.050 and growing up there is Sunday lunches after church, 00:00:25.050 --> 00:00:28.222 Little League baseball and high school homecoming parades. 00:00:28.222 --> 00:00:32.195 I made good grades, followed all the rules and even played football. 00:00:32.481 --> 00:00:35.678 This made me a good southern son. 00:00:36.699 --> 00:00:39.040 From a young age, we're taught to tell the truth, 00:00:39.040 --> 00:00:42.771 but no one teaches us to tell our truth, 00:00:43.100 --> 00:00:45.919 maybe an eating disorder or some childhood trauma, 00:00:45.919 --> 00:00:49.960 or something simple like a love for art in a world full of jocks. 00:00:49.960 --> 00:00:53.991 Nope. Nobody teaches us to tell those truths. 00:00:55.092 --> 00:00:57.361 I began to uncover my truth at an early age. 00:00:57.361 --> 00:01:01.022 It's a truth discovered alone, grappled with alone, denied alone 00:01:01.022 --> 00:01:04.541 and, when you are young, it feels like a ball of lead in the soul, 00:01:04.541 --> 00:01:07.226 both heavy and toxic. 00:01:08.072 --> 00:01:12.196 This football-playing preacher's kid was gay! 00:01:12.819 --> 00:01:15.783 What do you think it would feel like being a gay preacher's kid 00:01:15.783 --> 00:01:18.061 in the American south? 00:01:19.233 --> 00:01:23.033 Well, this was my two-ton truth, but telling it was not an option. 00:01:23.033 --> 00:01:25.783 The good-old-boy ghost of southern culture was clear: 00:01:25.783 --> 00:01:30.809 "Zip it up, lock it down. We don't talk about that down here, preacher boy." 00:01:31.913 --> 00:01:35.454 I love my southern roots and I love the people I went to church with, 00:01:35.454 --> 00:01:38.240 some of the best people on the planet, 00:01:38.744 --> 00:01:39.844 but, in 1988, 00:01:39.844 --> 00:01:43.114 a resolution was passed at a meeting of our national church leaders, 00:01:43.114 --> 00:01:47.525 declaring homosexuality was "a manifestation of a depraved nature, 00:01:47.525 --> 00:01:52.372 a pervasion of divine standards and an abomination." 00:01:53.052 --> 00:01:56.965 This very fierce language was mimicked by lots of other religious organizations 00:01:56.965 --> 00:01:58.303 in the 80s and 90s, 00:01:58.303 --> 00:02:03.557 and those strong words did not go unnoticed by little ears in the pews. 00:02:04.729 --> 00:02:06.864 To be gay is to be a unique minority, 00:02:06.864 --> 00:02:10.434 living with a physiology you did not choose, in a tribe not your own, 00:02:10.434 --> 00:02:13.355 amongst families that struggle to understand you. 00:02:13.355 --> 00:02:15.944 And to be a gay person of faith in the American south 00:02:15.944 --> 00:02:18.623 is its own unique challenge. 00:02:19.115 --> 00:02:21.314 Flannery O'Connor famously wrote, 00:02:21.314 --> 00:02:27.635 "While the south is hardly Christ-centered it is most certainly Christ-haunted." 00:02:28.495 --> 00:02:31.264 To be gay in a community steeped in religion 00:02:31.264 --> 00:02:36.075 is to know that you are welcome only if you remain single and celibate. 00:02:36.075 --> 00:02:39.645 It's to feel forced to choose between spiritual faith and earthly love. 00:02:39.645 --> 00:02:42.066 It's to beg God to change you, 00:02:42.066 --> 00:02:44.956 hoping for a golden ticket into straightness. 00:02:45.547 --> 00:02:50.007 And so, I made my way through high school and college with no dating, just denial. 00:02:50.007 --> 00:02:51.936 I was serious about my faith, 00:02:51.936 --> 00:02:55.706 hoping to one day discover a tonic of spiritual disciplines 00:02:55.706 --> 00:02:57.409 that would cure me. 00:02:59.006 --> 00:03:02.558 And, in the meantime, I perfected the art of numbing the pain: 00:03:02.558 --> 00:03:05.936 work, work, work, nights out, big vacations 00:03:05.936 --> 00:03:07.468 and the continual incantation, 00:03:07.468 --> 00:03:11.633 "I don't need love, I don't need love, I don't need love." 00:03:12.668 --> 00:03:17.417 Forget coping mechanisms. I had built a coping machine. 00:03:18.127 --> 00:03:19.835 And it worked! 00:03:20.256 --> 00:03:21.946 Until it didn't. 00:03:22.496 --> 00:03:24.515 Some time around 30, 00:03:24.515 --> 00:03:29.378 I woke up and realized all of my friends had moved on with their lives, 00:03:29.378 --> 00:03:33.749 matriculating into the world of wedding dresses and children's birthday parties. 00:03:34.129 --> 00:03:38.077 My loneliness grew and, as the sleepless nights began to add up, 00:03:38.077 --> 00:03:42.477 I eventually gave up: I decided to stop hiding. 00:03:42.477 --> 00:03:45.128 And, through one painful conversation after the other, 00:03:45.128 --> 00:03:50.185 I began to come out to friends and family, most of whom were very religious. 00:03:50.570 --> 00:03:52.738 The conversations were tough at first. 00:03:52.738 --> 00:03:56.750 Red wine was my courage, Pepto-Bismol was my peace. 00:03:56.750 --> 00:03:58.409 (Laughter) 00:03:58.409 --> 00:04:00.799 For years, I had imagined the worst reactions, 00:04:00.799 --> 00:04:04.139 with people freaking out and casting judgment, 00:04:04.139 --> 00:04:10.260 but, each time, every time, I was met with love, and a tear, 00:04:10.260 --> 00:04:14.479 and one of those lingering hugs you give someone who's been fighting a hard battle. 00:04:15.310 --> 00:04:16.681 And so, in my 30s, 00:04:16.681 --> 00:04:22.139 I finally, clumsily, stumbled my way into the light of telling my truth, 00:04:22.139 --> 00:04:25.180 something I wish I'd done so much sooner. 00:04:25.982 --> 00:04:27.312 Many people seem to think 00:04:27.312 --> 00:04:31.159 that the religious folk of the south are fueled by hate, 00:04:31.159 --> 00:04:33.741 but I know that's not true because I know these people. 00:04:33.741 --> 00:04:36.911 They are wildly generous and kind beyond belief. 00:04:36.911 --> 00:04:40.711 For centuries, they have been the ones helping the poor in our neighborhoods 00:04:40.711 --> 00:04:43.752 and providing relief after disasters. 00:04:43.752 --> 00:04:45.740 We need our faith communities, 00:04:45.740 --> 00:04:51.031 and outsiders typecasting them as bigots are peddling the fallacy of composition. 00:04:51.031 --> 00:04:54.810 Vocal zealots do not represent the benevolent majority. 00:04:55.562 --> 00:04:59.212 I don't think our faith communities have a problem with hate. 00:04:59.501 --> 00:05:01.580 I think we have a problem with love. 00:05:02.000 --> 00:05:05.321 We just haven't loved our LGBT children well! 00:05:05.321 --> 00:05:07.855 (Applause) 00:05:09.920 --> 00:05:12.242 We've not loved our LGBT children well. 00:05:12.242 --> 00:05:14.438 We haven't listened. 00:05:14.438 --> 00:05:17.272 We've offered theology before empathy. 00:05:18.081 --> 00:05:22.192 We've protected a tabu that quietly boils kids in their own shame. 00:05:22.192 --> 00:05:25.852 We haven't given them the space and the grace that we give everyone else, 00:05:25.852 --> 00:05:28.317 and we've defended disembodied spiritual doctrines 00:05:28.317 --> 00:05:31.236 while missing the actual bodies in our pews. 00:05:33.173 --> 00:05:37.676 Kids in our religious communities dare not speak their truth, out of fear! 00:05:38.103 --> 00:05:41.714 Many of them are struggling alone and we need to ask ourselves the question: 00:05:41.714 --> 00:05:45.917 why is the word H-E-L-P so hard for them? 00:05:47.554 --> 00:05:50.602 Now, the good news is that I see faith leaders rising up, 00:05:50.602 --> 00:05:52.544 changing the conversation. 00:05:52.544 --> 00:05:54.554 I see our churches pivoting, 00:05:54.554 --> 00:05:58.493 as they have so many times across the centuries, towards love. 00:05:58.493 --> 00:06:02.034 I see the rhetoric being replaced with a lexicon of grace. 00:06:02.034 --> 00:06:07.255 I see people of faith learning a sacred song that keeps rhythm with orthodoxy, 00:06:07.255 --> 00:06:09.646 while shouting a chorus of love. 00:06:09.646 --> 00:06:14.955 And I see believers united, reminding every child, 00:06:14.955 --> 00:06:19.936 "You are loved and you are lovely, and your future is incredibly bright ." 00:06:19.936 --> 00:06:20.975 Thank you. 00:06:20.975 --> 00:06:23.275 (Cheers) (Applause) 00:06:26.025 --> 00:06:27.615 Thanks. Thank you. 00:06:27.615 --> 00:06:29.907 (Applause) (Cheers)