Veronica: September 1st, 1989.

Dear diary,

I believe I'm a good person, you know,
I think there's good in everyone, but...

Here we are! First day of senior year!
And uh...

I look around at these kids that I've
known all my life and I ask myself...

What happened?

Students: Freak! Slut! Burn-out!
Bug-eyes! Poser! Lardass!

V: We were so tiny, happy and shiny,
playing tag and getting chased.

S: Freak! Slut! Loser! Short bus!

V: Singing and clapping,
laughing and napping,

baking cookies, eating paste.

S: Bull d*ke! Stuck-up! Hunchback!

V: Then we got bigger,
that was the trigger,

like the Huns invading Rome.

Girl: Ow!
V: Oh, sorry! Sorry..

Welcome to my school,
this ain't no high school.

This is the Thunderdome.

Hold your breath, and count the days.
We're graduating soon.

S: White trash!

V: College will be paradise
if I'm not dead by June!

But I know, I know

Life can be beautiful.

I pray, I pray
for a better way.

If we changed back then,
we could change again!

We can be beautiful.

Boy: OW!
V: Just not today.

V: Hey, are you ok?
Boy: Get AWAY, nerd!

V: ...Sorry.

S: Freak! Slut! Cr*pple!
Homo! HOMO! HOMO!

Things will get better soon as my letter
comes from Harvard, Duke, or Brown.

Wake from this coma, take my diploma,
then I can blow this town.

Dream of ivy-covered walls,
and smoky French cafes.

Boy: Watch it!

V: Fight the urge to strike a match
and set this dump ablaze!

Ram: Oooooops!

V: Ram Sweeney.
3rd year as linebacker,

and 8th year of smacking lunchtrays,
and being a huge DICK.

R: What did you say to me, SKANK?
V: Aah, nothing.

But I know, I know
life can be beautiful!

I pray, I pray
for a better way.

We were kind before,
we can be kind once more!

We can be beautiful....

V: [screams] ..Hey Martha.
Martha: Hey.

V: Martha Dunstock.
My best friends since diapers.

She's got a HUGE heart, but...
around here, that's not enough.

[sighs] Thank you.

M: We still on for movie night?
V: Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail.

M: I rented The Princess Bride!

V: [laughs]

Wait, again? Don't you have
it memorized by now?

M: What can I say?
I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Kurt: MARTHA DUMPTRUCK!
WIDE LOAD! HONK. HAHAAA!

V: Kurt Kelly. Quarterback.

He is the smartest guy
on the football team!

Which is kind of like
being the tallest dwarf.

K: [laughs] Honk, hooonk!
V: Hey, pick that up, right now!

K: I'm sorry, are you
actually TALKING to me?

R: My buddy Kurt just
asked you a question.

V: Yes, I am. I wanna know what gives YOU
the right to pick on MY friend.

You're a high school has-been waiting to
happen. A future gas station attendant.

K: You have a zit right there.
Students: [laughing]

V: Dear diary,
why?

Boy: Why do they hate me?
Girl: Why don't I fight back?

K: Why do I act like such a creep?

V: Why?

M: Why won't he date me?
R: Why did I hit him?

S: Why do I cry myself to sleep?

V: WHY?

S: Somebody hug me! Somebody fix me!
Somebody save me! Send me a sign, God!

Give me some hope here!
Something to live for!

Aaah~!
Heather! Heather! And Heather!

V: And then there's the Heathers.
They just... float above it all.

S: I love Heather,
Heather, and Heather!

V: Heather McNamara,
head cheerleader.

Her dad is LOADED.
He sells engagement rings.

Heather Duke,
runs the yearbook.

No discernible personality,
but her mom did pay for implants.

And Heather Chandler,
the almighty.

She is a mythic bitch.

They're solid teflon.
Never bothered, never... harassed.

I would give anything to be like that.

S: Mmmm~
Boy: I'd like to be their boyfriend.

S: That would be beautiful!

Girl: If i sat at their table,
guys would notice me!

S: So beautiful!

M: I'd like them to be nicer!

S: That would be beautiful!

Creepy dude: I'd like to kidnap a Heather
and photograph her naked

in an abandoned warehouse,
and leave her tied up for the rats.

(Editor's note: What the fuck.)

H D.: [throwing up]

H C.: Grow up, Heather.
Bulimia is so '87.

H M.: Heather's right, maybe you should
see a doctor, Heather!

H D.: Yeah, Heather. Maybe I should!

Ms. Fleming: Ah, Heather and Heather.

H D.: [vomits]
F: And Heather.

Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all
the vomiting? You're late for class.

H C.: Heather wasn't feeling well.
We're helping her.

F: Not without a hall pass, you're not.
Week's detention.

V: Um, actually, Ms. Fleming!

All 4 of us are out on a hall pass
for yearbook committee.

F: I see you're all listed....

Hurry up, get where you're going.

H C.: This is an excellent forgery.

Who ARE you?

V: Uh... Veronica! ..Sawyer!
I, um, I.. I crave a boon.

H C.: What boon?

V: Um.. Let me sit at your table with you
at lunch? Just once! No talking necessary.

If people think that you guys tolerate me
then they'll leave me alone.

Heathers: [laugh]

Before you answer, I also do report cards,
permission slips, and absence notes.

H D.: How 'bout prescriptions?

H C.: Shut up, Heather.
H D.: Sorry, Heather....

H C.: For a greasy little nobody,
you do have good bone structure.

H M.: And a symmetrical face.

If I took a meat cleaver down the center
of your skull, I'd have matching halves.

That's very important.

H D.: Of course, you could stand
to lose a few pounds.

H C.: And you know, you know, you know
this could be beautiful.

Mascara, maybe some lip gloss,
and we're on our way.

Get this girl some blush,
and Heather, I need your brush.

Let's make her beautiful.

H D.: Let's make her beautiful.
H M.: Let's make her beautiful!

H C.: MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL!

H C.: Okay?
V: Okay!

Kurt: Out of my way, geek!
Boy: I don't want trouble!

Ram: You're gonna die at 3p.m.

Girls: Don't you dare touch me,
get away, pervert!

Boy: What did I ever to to them?!

Students: Who could survive this?!
I can't escape this! I think I'm dying!

Fleming: Who's that with Heather?

S: WOAH!

Heather, Heather, Heather,

and someone!

Heather, Heather, Heather,

and a babe!

Heather! Heather! Heather!

Martha: Veronica?!

S: Veronica! Veronica!
VERONICA!

V: And you know, you know, you know,
life can be beautiful!

You hope, you dream, you pray,
and you get your way!

Ask me how it feels
lookin' like hell on wheels.

My God, it's beautiful.

S: Beautiful!

V: I might be beautiful!

And when you're beautiful,

it's a beautiful frickin' day!

S: Heather! Heather! Heather!
VERONICA!

V: YEA-EA-EEAAAH

S: Veronica! Veronica! Veronica! Veronica!

VERONICA!

Dear diary, It's been 3 weeks since I
became friends with the Heathers.

[laughs]

Actually, "friends" isn't exactly
the right word. It's more like, um,

The Heathers are people who I work with,
and our job is being popular and shit.

M: Hey Veronica!
V: Hey!

M: You really do look beautiful these days

V: Aww, thank you, but,
it's still the same me, underneath.

M: Are you sure?

V: Oh, look, um... I'm really sorry that I
flaked on movie night last week.

I've just.. I've had a LOT going on.

M: I get that!

You're with the Heathers now!
That's exciting.

V: It's whatever, but we'll hang soon,
I promise!

H D.: VERONICA!

Heather says to haul ass
to the table, pronto.

V: How very.

H C.: Veronica! I need a forgery
in Ram Sweeney's handwriting.

You'll need something to write on.
Heather, bend over!

"Hello, beautiful!

I've been watching you,
and thinking about us in the old days!

I hope you can come to my
homecoming party this weekend!

Miss you,
Ram."

[gasps] Put an "XO" after the signature!

V: What's this for, anyway?

H C.: I just found out that Ram used to
hang with Marth Dumptruck.

V: Well... [scoffs] yeah, in kindergarten.
We all did.

H D.: We all didn't kiss
on the kickball field!

H M.: Oh, that's right, I remember!
Ram kissed Martha Dumptruck!

It was disgusting!

H C.: Perfect!

K: It'd be so righteous to be
in the middle of a

Heather Chandler-Veronica Sawyer sandwich.

R: Hell yeah. Punch it in!

H C.: Ram!

Be a sweetie and give this note to
Martha Dumptruck for me?

V: What?! No!

R: Since when do you talk to
that lardass?

H C.: Oh, don't read it!

She's having an extra heavy flow,
and wanted some advice from my gyno.

K: EW, GROSS!

H C.: What are you doing?!

V: Please don't do this, okay?
Not to Martha.

H D.: WHAT? It'll give her shower nozzle
masturbation material for weeks.

H C.: SHUT UP, HEATHER!
H D.: Sorry, Heather!

V: Martha has had a thing for Ram
for like 12 years now, ok? This...

V: This would kill her--
H C.: Are we gonna have a problem?!

You got a bone to pick?

You've come so far, why now
are you pulling on my dick?!

I'd normally slap your face off,
and everyone here could watch!

But I'm feeling nice.
Here's some advice:

LISTEN UP, BIOTCH.

Kurt and Ram: [cheering]

D&M: I LIKE

C: Lookin' hot,
buyin' stuff they cannot!

D&M: I LIKE

C: Drinkin' hard,
maxin' dad's credit card!

D&M: I LIKE

C: Skippin' gym,
scarin' her, screwin' him!

D&M: I LIKE

C: Killer clothes,
All: KICKIN' NERDS IN THE NOSE!

C: If you lack the balls,
you can go play dolls.

Let your mommy fix you a snack!

Or you could come smoke,
pound some rum and coke,

in my Porsche with the quarterback.

D&M: WO-OAH! WO-OAH! WO-OAH!

All: Honey, whatcha waitin' for?

Welcome to my candy store!

Time for you to prove you're
not a loser anymore!

And step into my candy store.

All: GUYS FALL
D: at your feet.

D: Pay the check,
M: help you cheat.

All: ALL YOU
D: have to do,

C: Say goodbye to Shamu!

All: THAT FREAK'S
M: not your friend, I can tell in the end,

All: IF SHE
D: had your shot,

All: SHE WOULD LEAVE YOU TO ROT!

M: 'Course if you don't care,
Fine! Go braid her hair!

Maybe Sesame Street is on!

M: Or forget that creep,
D: and get in my Jeep.

C: Let's go tear up someone's lawn!

All: WO-OAH! WO-OAH! WO-OAH!

Honey, whatcha waitin' for?

Welcome to my candy store!

You just gotta prove you're
not a pussy anymore.

And step into my candy store!

C: You can join the team,
D&M: or you can bitch and moan!

C: You can live the dream,
D&M: or you can DIE ALONE!

C: You can fly with eagles,
All: or if you prefer,

C: keep on testing me,
All: and end up like HER!

M: Veronica, look!
Ram invited me to his homecoming party!

See, I TOLD you there was
still something there!

This proves he's been thinking about me.

V: Color me stoked.

M: I'm so happy! [giggles]

D: OOH, WO-O-OAH!
HONEY, WHATCHA WAITIN' FO--

C: SHUT UP, HEATHER!

Step into my candy store!

D&M: Step into my candy store!

All: It's my candy store, it's my candy...

IT'S MY CANDY STORE, IT'S MY CANDY...

IT'S MY CANDY STORE,

IT'S MY CANDY STORE!

???: You shouldn't have bowed down to
the swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads.

They're gonna crush that girl.

V: I'm sorry, what?

???: Clearly, you've got a soul.

You just gotta work harder on
keeping it clean.

"We're all born marked for evil."

V: Um, okay. Don't just quote Baudelaire
at me and then walk away, excuse me.

I didn't catch your name.

???: I didn't throw it.

K: Who's that guy in the jacket think
he is anyway, Bo Diddley?

R: Veronica's into his act, no doubt.

K: LET'S KICK HIS ASS.

R: No, we're seniors, man.
We're too old for that shit.

K: HEY, SWEETHEART!

What'd your boyfriend say when you told
'im you were movin' to Sherwood, Ohioooo?

R: My buddy Kurt just asked you a question

K: Hey Ram, doesn't the cafeteria have
a "No F*gs Allowed" rule?

???: They seem to have an open door policy
for assholes, though.

R: Hold his arms.

Students: HOLY SHIT!

HOLY SHIT!

HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIIIIT!

V: Why, when you see boys fight,
does it look so horrible, yet...

feel so riiiight?!

I shouldn't watch this crap,
that's not who I am.

But with this kid...

Daaaaamn.

Hey,

Mr. No Name Kid,

so who might you be?

And could you fight for me?

And hey,

could you face the crowd?

Could you be seen with me,
and still act proud?

[laughs]

Hey, could you hold my hand?

And could you carry me
through No Man's Land?

It's fine...

if you don't agree.

But I would fight for you,

if you would fight for me.

Let them drive us underground.

I don't care how far.

You can set my broken bones,

and I know CPR.

Well, woah.

You can punch real good....

You've lasted longer than
I thought you would. So hey,

Mr. No Name Kid,

if some night you're free,

wanna fight for me?

If you're still alive,

I would fight for you,

if you would fight for me!

K: MAN, THAT SUCKED!

That kid fights better than
the real Bo Diddley.

R: Hey, have you ever seen
Enter The Dragon?

Bo Diddley fights with his shirt off, and
is like pretty ripped for [redacted] dude.

K: F*g!

R: SHUT UP!

K: RAM'S EATING CHINESE TONIGHT!

R: SHUT UP, DUDE!

(Editor's Note: I hate them so much.)

H C.: God, Veronica. Drool much?

You were totally throwing your panties
at that new kid.

D&M: [laugh weakly]

H C.: And judging by your house,
you can't afford replacement panties!

D&M: [laugh weakly]

V: Come on, I-I don't even know his name.
H C.: [scoffs]

Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer, watch out!

Mrs. Sawyer: Oh!

Haha, there you go, girls!

Care for some pâté?

H C.: That is not pâté, it's liverwurst.

Mrs.S: Aha... I'm aware of that, Heather!

It's a family joke!

H C.: Oh... funny....

Mr.S: Damnit. Will somebody please tell me
why I read this spy crap?

V: Oh, because you're an idiot, Dad.

Mr.S: Oh yeah. That's it.

Sawyers: [all laugh]

Mrs.S: So girls, any big plans
for tonight?

V: Yeah! There's a big homecoming party
at Ram Sweeney's house,

so I'm gonna catch a ride with Heather.

H C.: Speaking of which...

V: Ok, uh...

Great pâté, Mom, but

I gotta motor if we wanna be
ready for this party.

Mrs.S: Don't let these
popular girls change you.

V: I need them.

Mrs.S: What for? You have other friends!
You have Martha.

V: Well...

Maybe I want more out of life
than liverwurst, Mom....

Mr.S: Those girls seem really nice.

Heathers: SO STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE!

It's my candy store, it's my candy...
it's my candy store, it's my candy...

It's my candy store,

IT'S MY CANDY STORE!

H C.: [honking horn] VERONICA!
DON'T FORGET THE CORN NUTS!

IT'S NOT A PARTY WITHOUT CORN NUTS!

V: Um, BQ or plain?

H C.: BQ!!!

???: Greetings and salutations.

You want a Slurpee with that?

V: No, but if you're nice,
I'll let you buy me a Big Gulp.

???: That's like going to Mickey D's
and ordering a salad.

Slurpee's the signature dish of the house.

???: Did you say cherry or lime?
V: I said "Big Gulp".

I'm Veronica, by the way.

Are you ever gonna.. tell me.. your name?

???: I'll end the suspense.

Jason Dean. JD for short.

V: JD.

That thing you pulled in the Caf
was pretty severe.

JD: Well, the extreme always seems
to make an impression.

V: [laughs]

So what's a Baudelaire-quoting badass
like you doing in Sherwood, Ohio?

JD: My dad's work.

He owns a... a deconstruction company.

V: "De-construction"?

JD: The old man seems to enjoy
tearing things down.

You seen the commercial:
"My name's Big Bud Dean!

If it's in the way, I'll make your day!"

V: [laughs] And then he pushes the plunger
and the screen blows up.

[laughs]

[clears throat] That's your dad?

JD: In all his semi-psychotic glory.

V: Yeah, well...
everyone's life has got static.

H C.: [honks horn]
VERONICAAAAAAAAAAA!

V: Example: I don't really like
my friends.

JD: I don't really like
your friends either!

Bag the party, 'n..

hang here.

V: Ohh~

7/11. Swanky first date.

JD: Hey... I love this place.

V: No offense, but... why?

JD: I've been through 10 high schools.

They start to get blurry.

No point planting roots,
'cause you're gone in a hurry.

My dad keeps 2 suitcases packed in the den
so it's only a matter of when.

I don't learn their names,
don't bother with faces.

All I can trust is this concrete oasis.

Seems every time I'm about to despair,

there's a 7/11 right there.

Each store is the same,
from Las Vegas to Boston.

Linoleum aisles that I love to get lost in

I pray at my altar of slush.

Yeah, I live for that sweet frozen rush.

Ah!

Freeze your brain.

Suck on that straw,
get lost in the pain.

Happiness comes
when everything numbs.

Who needs cocaine?

Freeze your brain.

Freeze your brain.

Care for a hit?

V: Does your mommy know that
you eat all that crap?

JD: Not anymore.

When mom was alive,
we lived halfway normal.

Now it's just me and my dad,
we're less formal.

I learned to cook pasta,
I learned to pay rent.

Learned the world doesn't owe you a cent.

You're planning that future,
Veronica Sawyer.

You'll go to some college,
and marry a lawyer!

But the sky's gonna hurt when it falls,

so you better start building some walls!

Freeze your brain!

Swim in the ice,
get lost in the pain!

Shut your eyes tight,
'til you vanish from sight.

Let nothing remain!

Freeze your brain!

Shatter your skull,
fight pain with more pain!

Forget who you are.
Unburden your load.

Forget in six weeks,
you'll be back on the road.

When the voice in your head
says "you're better off dead",

don't open a vein!

Just freeze your brain.

Freeze your brain.

Go on and freeze your brain.

Try it.

V: Yeah I don't.. really see--

OH! SON OF A BITCH!

Ow. Ah, ahh...

H C.: Veronica!

V: Oh, God! I-I gotta go.

JD: So I see.

H C.: Corn Nuts?!

V: They're right here.
I'm sorry.

H C.: Wave bye-bye to Red Dawn here
and let's MOTOR.

V: Sorry....

Mr. Sweeney: Okay Ram, have fun tonight,
but I expect you to act your age.

If the neighbors complain about the noise,
Paul and I are gonna march in here

and knock the sand out of your vagina,
you understand me?

Ram: Dude, what am I, like 5?

Mr.S: I'm your dad, not your dude!

Mr. Kelly: That goes double for you, Kurt.

You're a guest in Bill's house,
and you will treat it with respect.

K: Sure thing!

Dude.
K&R: [both laugh]

Mr.K: Hold his arms.

K: Oh, I'm just kidding!

Mr.K: Who's a great big sissy?

Whos going to prom in a bright pink dress?
Mr.S: You are!

Mr.K: WHO'S A GREAT BIG SISSY?

K: I AM A GREAT BIG SISSY.

Mr.K: Alright.

Enjoy the party, son!

Mr.S: Punch it in!

LOOK OUT, IT'S A CLAW!

K: Man, that sucked.

R: Who cares, dude?!

The parents are gone
and I got my party slippers on!

Dad says "act our age".
You heard the man, it's time to rage!

Students: BLAST THE BASS,
BURN OUT THE LIGHT.

AIN'T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT!

R: Drink, smoke, it's all cool.
Let's get naked in my pool!

S: PUNCH THE WALL, AND START A FIGHT.
AIN'T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT!

K: His folks got a water bed.
Come upstairs and rest your head.

R: Let's rub each others' backs
while watchin' porn on Cinemax!

S: THE FOLKS ARE GONE,
IT'S TIME FOR BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

WE'RE UP 'TIL DAWN,
HAVIN' SOME BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

When mom and dad forget
to lock the liquor cabinet,

It's big fun.
Big fun!

BIG FUN!

WOO~!

V: Okay. Ok ok, so it's salt,
and then lime... and then SHOT!

H M.: No, it's salt, then shot--

H C.: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

V: Wait, really?!

Because I feel great!

Guy: Veronica! You are
lookin' GOOD tonight.

V: WOAH.

A hot guy smiled at me,
without a trace of mockery!

S: Everyone's high as a kite.
Ain't nobody home tonight!

V: Zoned, stoned, I should quit.
Hey, is that weed?? I want a hit!

S: Fill that joint, and roll it tight.
Ain't nobody home tonight!

V: Dreams are comin' true,
when people laugh, but not at you!

I'm not alone, I'm not afraid!

I feel like Bono at Live Aid!

S: THE HOUSE IS OURS!
IT'S TIME FOR BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

LET'S USE THEIR SHOWERS,
THAT SOUNDS LIKE BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

CRACK OPEN ONE MORE CASE.

V: I think that's what they
call "third base".

S: BIG FUN! BIG FUN.
BIG FUN!

V: That actually looks like
All: BIG FUN.

BIG FUN.
BIG FUN!

WOO~!

K: ALRIGHT EVERYBODY,
LISTEN UP!

WHAT'S WESTERBURG GONNA DO TO
THE RAZORBACKS AT SUNDAY'S GAME?!

R: Gonna make 'em go "Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee!"

S: BIG FUN. BIG FUN!

H D.: Way to show maturity!

S: BIG FUN. BIG FUN!

Quick it, jackass, GET OFF OF ME!

BIG FUN. BIG FUN!

V: Yo, Ram! Emergency.

I just saw some freshmen
sneaking over the pool fence.

R: I hate freshmen! Where are you little
pricks?! I'M COMING FOR YOU!

V: Hey, are you ok?

H D.: I didn't need your help!

V: Aww, thanks Heather, but I don't really
have to vomit right now.

Get it? 'Cause the finger? [laughs]

S: THE PARTY'S HOT, HOT, HOT!
IT'S TIME FOR BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

K: YOU NEED A JELLO SHOT!

S: WE'RE HAVIN' BIG FUN.
BIG FUN!

H C.: Martha Dumptruck, in the flesh.

H D.: Here comes the cootie squad!
We should--

H C.: SHUT UP, HEATHER!
H D.: Sorry, Heather!

H M.: Look who's with her!
Oh my god.

Heathers: Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang.
Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang!

V: I can't believe you actually came.
M: It's exciting, right?!

Oh, uh, excuse me.
I wanna say hello to Ram.

I brought sparkling cider! [giggles]

V: Martha...!

H C.: Showing up here took some guts.
Time to rip 'em out.

H D.: Well who's this pig remind you of?
Especially the snout. HA!

Hs: Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang.
Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang!

R: Where the hell are those freshmen?!

M: Um.. hi Ram!

Uh, I wasn't gonna come but... since you
took the time to write that sweet note....

R: What note?

Why do you gotta be weird all the time?

People wouldn't hate you so much
if you acted normal.

[spitting]

There's no alcohol in here!

Are you trying to poison me?

S: Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang.
Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang!

Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang,
DIGGITY DANG-A-DANG!

THE FOLKS ARE GONE!
IT'S TIME FOR BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

WE'RE UP 'TIL DAWN,
HAVIN' SOME BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

SO LET THE SPEAKERS BLOW,
THEY'LL BUY ANOTHER STEREO!

OUR FOLKS GOT NO CLUE
'BOUT ALL THE SHIT THEIR CHILDREN DO!

WHY ARE THEY SURPRISED
WHENEVER WE'RE UNSUPERVISED,

IT'S BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

BIG FUN.

BIG FUUUUN!

WOO~!

V: [screams]

H C.: Okay, Westerburgers!

Time to celebrate our upcoming
victory over the Razorbacks

by WHACKING apart their mascot!

H M.: We need a volunteer to take
the first swing at the piñata!

H C.: Martha Dunstock!

I think you should do the honors!

M: I don't really know this game.

H M.: [gasps] Let's show this girl some
Westerburg spirit! Whoop!

S: [cheering]

H M.: Martha! Martha!

All: MARTHA! MARTHA! MARTHA!
MARTHA! MARTHA!

H M.: Bring out the piñata.

S: [laughing and cheering]

V: Hey, give that to me!

H D.: HEATHER, HELP!

V: Give it to me now, NOW!

R: GIRL FIGHT! KISS! KISS!

S: KISS! KISS!

V: ENOUGH!
What is your DAMAGE, Heather?!

You want this thing,
then swim for it!

M: What's going on?!

V: Just go home, ok?
I'll explain it to you later.

M: Oh, no, I was gonna do the--

V: Listen to me, listen to me..
just go, ok? Go...

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry...

Well! We gave it a shot, okay?

I'm resigning my commission from
the Lip Gloss Gestapo.

I'm going back to civilian life.

H C.: NO.

V: Oh, don't spin me!
I'm not feeling well...

H C.: You don't GET to be a nobody.

Come Monday, you're an ex-somebody!
Not even the losers will touch you now!

Transfer to Washington!
Transfer to Jefferson!

No one at Westerburg's gonna
let you play their reindeer games!

V: [coughing and gasping]

[vomits]

H C.: [screams]

I RAISED YOU UP FROM NOTHING!

AND WHAT'S MY THANKS?!
I GET PAID IN PUKE!

V: Ohhh, lick it up, baby!
Lick! It! Up!

H C.: I know who I'M eating
lunch with on Monday.

Do YOU?

Okay, party people!

Where's the goddamn keg?!

S: [cheering]

V: The demon queen of high school
has decreed it.

She says Monday, 8a.m.
I will be deleted.

They'll hunt me down in study hall,
stuff and mount me on the wall.

30 hours to live,
how shall I spend them?

I don't have to stay and die like cattle.

I could change my name and
ride up to Seattle.

But I don't own a motorbike.

Wait... here's an option that I like!

Spend these 30 hours gettin'

freaky~!

YEAH!

I need it hard,
I'm a dead girl walkin'!

I'm in your yard!
I'm a dead girl walkin'.

Before they punch my clock,
I'm snappin' off your window lock!

Got no time to knock,
I'm a dead girl walkin'!

JD: Woah. Veronica!

What are you doing in my room?!

V: Shh, shh shhhh!

Sorry, but I really had to wake you.

See, I decided I must ride you
'til I break you!

'Cause Heather says I gots to go!
You're my last meal on death row.

Shut your mouth,
and lose them tighty-whities.

Come on!

Tonight I'm yours!
I'm your dead girl walking!

Get on all fours,
kiss this dead girl walking!

Let's go, you know the drill!
I'm hot, and pissed, and on the pill.

Bow down to the will
of a dead girl walkin'!

And you know, you know, you know,

it's 'cause you're beautiful.

You say you're numb inside,
but I can't agree.

So the world's unfair,
keep it locked out there!

In here it's beautiful.

LET'S MAKE THIS BEAUTIFUL!

JD: That works for me!

V: YEAH!

Full steam ahead,
take this dead girl walkin'!

JD: How'd you find my address?

V: Let's break the bed,
rock this dead girl walkin'!

JD: I think you tore my mattress!

V: No sleep tonight for you,
better chug that Mountain Dew!

JD: Okay, okay.

V: Get your ass in gear,
make this whole town disappear!

JD: Okay, okay!

V: Slap me, pull my hair, touch me
Both: THERE, AND THERE, AND THERE!

And no more talkin',

V: LOVE this dead girl walkin'!
JD: Woah woah. Hey hey. Yeah yeah.

Both: Love this dead girl walkin'!
JD: Woah woah. Hey hey. Wait Wait--

Both: LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL!

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

JD: Ow!

Both: YEEEAAAH!

H C.: Hellooo, slut.

V: Oh, god... how did you get in here?!

H C.: I'm like oxygen! I'm everywhere.

Really, Veronica?!
Sleeping with Ps*cho Trenchcoat Kid?

[laughs]

I will crucify you for this.

Everyone at school's gonna know

Good Little Veronica is nothing
but a dirty whore.

V: Heather... why are you
SO determined to hurt me?

H C.: Because I can!

It'll be so very!

S: VERY. VERY. VERY! VERY!

H C.: [cackling]

V: [screaming]

JD: Woah! Veronica.. VERONICA! Veronica!

V: [chokes and gasps]
JD: God, you're soaking wet!

V: Oh, my god....
Oh my god, it was just a dream.

JD: What's the rush?

V: I need to get to Heather's house.

JD: What?!
You told me you were done with Heather.

V: Yeah, and it was a sweet fantasy!
A world without Heather!

A world where... everyone is free.
Now it's morning.

I have to go kiss her arobacized ass.

JD: No.
V: Yes.

I'm.. not strong, like you are.

JD: Let me come with.

V: ...Really?

JD: [chuckles] Yeah. ...For backup.

V: Okay! Um....

Uh... by the way...
Um...

You were my first!

V: Heather?

HEATHER!

H C.: Whaaaat?

V: Um...

It's Veronica, I'm here to apologize.

H C.: Hope you brought kneepads, bitch!

Fix me a prairie oyster,
and I'll THINK about it.

V: Prairie Oyster?

Oh! Wait, okay. Uh...
Raw eggs, um.. vinegar,

JD: Hot sauce, worcestershire,
salt and pepper.

V: Ha.. you know your hangover cures.

JD: My dad trained me well.

V: Look look look look,
here's my revenge, ok?

I'm gonna put a flemglobber in her
prairie oyster and she'll never know!

Ready? Watch.

[cat coughing up a hairball sound]

It's coming, it's coming.

[hacks and spits]

[laughs]

JD: I'm more of a 'no rust build-up'
man myself.

V: Oh, ok!
Don't be a dick, that stuff woud kill her.

JD: Thus ending her hangover!

I say... we go with Big Blue.

V: [scoffs] You can't just go....

Uh...

Except she would never
drink something that looks like that.

JD: You're right.

We'll use a mug! That way,
she'll have no idea WHAT she's drinking.

V: [clears throat]

JD: Chickeeeen! [clucking]

V: You know, you're not funny.

JD: Okay.

Okay, yeah. I'm sorry.

H C.: PRAIRIE OYSTER!
CHOP CHOP!

JD: Veronica, you...

V: What?

JD: ...Nevermind.

V: Okay!

Good morning, Heather.

H C.: Awww, Veronica.

And Jessie James, quelle surprise.

Well, let's get to it!
Beg!

V: Okay, um... I-I think that last night,
we both said a lot of things that--

H C.: I, actually, would prefer
you did this on your knees.

In front of your boy toy here!

V: Um...

V: I'm-I'm really sorry--
H C.: [laughs]

Do I look like I'm kidding?

DOWN.

Nice....

But you're still dead to me.

[choking]

CORN... NUTS!

JD: Hoooly shit!

V: Wait, wait, wait wait....

Oh my GOD.

OH MY GOD!
DON'T JUST STAND THERE, CALL 911.

JD: It's a little late for that.

V: Heather! ..Heather!!
Heather....

Oh my god....

Oh my god, I just KILLED my best friend!

JD: And your worst enemy!
V: Same.. difference!!

The police are gonna think that
I did this on purpose.

Oh my god... they're gonna have to send
my SAT scores to San Quentin.

JD: Unless...

Oh, look! She was reading...
The Bell Jar!

V: Oh, no.
JD: Oh, yes!

You can fake her handwriting.

Just.. make it sound deep.
Like this...

I had pain in my path...
like Sylvia Plath...

JD: My problems were myriad.
V: I was having my period.

[laughs]

[continues laughing]

[still laughing]

OH MY GOD!

JD: This isn't funny, you could go to jail!!
Get your head on straight, NOW.

V: Okay! Ok, ok, ok, ok... Um, Heather
would never use the word "myriad", 'cause

she missed it on her vocab quiz last week.

JD: So it's a badge for her failures
at school! WORK. WITH. ME.

V: Okay! Okay. Um...
Where do I start?

JD: Think... long and hard.

What would she say?

What's her.. her final statement
to a cold, uncaring planet?

V: Okay, um...
Dear world, uh...

Believe it or not, I knew about fear.
I knew the way loneliness stung.

I hid behind smiles,
and crazy hot clothes.

V: I learned to kiss boys with my tongue.
JD: That's good.

V: But ohhh, the world, it held me down.
Uh...

It.. weighed like a...
concrete prom queen crown.

H C.: No one thinks a pretty girl
has feelings.

No one gets her insecurity.

I am more than shoulder pads and makeup!

No one sees the me inside of me.

Jesus... you're making me sound
like Air Supply.

JD: Keep going. This has to be good
enough to fool the cops.

Cop 1: Woooah! Is it murder?

Cop 2: No, look. Suicide note!

H C. (and V): They couldn't see past
my rock star mystique,

they wouldn't dare look in my eyes!

But just underneath was a terrified girl,
who clings to her pillow and cries.

My looks were just like prison bars.

They've left me a myriad of scars!

H C.: "Myriad"! Nice.

All: No one thinks a pretty girl
has substance!

That's the curse of popularity.
Cops: Popularity!

Mr. Chandler: I am more than
just a source of handjobs.

All: No one sees the me inside of me!

Principal: Heather Chandler's not
your everyday suicide.

Coach: Principal Gowan,
you should cancel classes.

Pr: No way, Coach!

I send the kids home before lunch, and the
switchboard'll light up like a xmas tree!

We're just gonna have to power
through this thing.

Ms. F: Our children are dying!!
Look,

I hate to pull out my counter culture
bonafides here, I really do,

but what this school needs is a good
old-fashioned rap session.

Now, I suggest we get everybody into the
cafeteria and just TALK and FEEL together.

Pr: Thank you, Ms. Fleming.
Call me when the shuttle lands.

Ms.F: [laughs] Go ahead,
laaauugh at the hippie!

But I am telling you, we all misjudged
Heather Chandler.

This is the loveliest suicide note
I have ever read.

F and HC: Box up my clothing for Goodwill,
and give the poor my NordicTrack.

Donate my car to cr*ppled kids,
or to those ghetto moms on crack.

Give them my hats and my CDs,
my pumps, my flats, my 3 TVs.

All: No one thinks
a pretty girl has feelings.

But I weep for all I failed to be.

Maybe I can help the world by leaving.

Maybe that's the me inside of me!

Pr: Aw, hell!
Long weekend for everybody!

[all cheering]

Ms.F: Alright, not so fast, kids!
Here, take these and pass them around.

Now, they're refueling the buses, which
gives us... a solid half hour of healing.

I've mimeographed copies of suicide note
so you all can FEEL Heather's anguish.

H M.: I never knew about her pain!
Ms.F: Go on...

Boy: Her life had hit a rocky patch!
Ms.F: FEEL.

Girl: Deep down, she wasn't cruel or vain!
Ms.F: HEAL!

Students: She didn't mean to be a snatch!

Ms.F: Veronica. You've been awfully quiet,
what's on your mind?

V: Uh...

Maybe Heather realized that, uh, in order
to be happy, she had to give up her power,

And that the only way to do
that was... death?

Ms.F: My god! Look what we've done,
we're breaking through.

Heather would be so proud of you!

Students: And you, and you, and you!

No one thinks a pretty girl can touch you!

Girl: ...Heather touching me!

S: But she's made us better than we were!

Heather's dead, but
she will live inside me!

S: And I'll be the me inside of her!
H C.: Holy crap...

THIS IS AWESOME!

S: Heather cried, our sins fell on her
shoulders. H.C: JESUS CHRIST!

S: Heather died so we could all be free!
H C.: I'M BIGGER THAN JOHN LENNON!

S: Heather's gone, but
she will live forever!

M: She's the dove that sings
outside my window!

Boy: She's the twin from who
I'm separated!

Girl: She's the horse I never got
for Christmas!

S: Heather sees the me inside of me!

Heather is... the me inside of me!

INSIDE OOOOF

ME!

H D.: At a time like this, negative people
choose to focus on their grief.

Well, I hate those people. Because I am a
very positive person. I remember

the good times, like when Heather
and I got our ears pierced at the mall--

I can still hear those
late night talks on the phone.

[speaking Mandarin(?)]

-she said, "CORN NUTS!" [still in Mandarin(?)]

V: AHH, NO! Turn it off, turn it off,
turn it off, turn it off!

Damn, how many networks did she run to?

JD: Why son, I didn't hear you come in.

Bud Dean: Yeah pop, I wanted to
introduce you to my new girlfriend!

V: Oh, hi! Hey, uh, I'm Veronica.

BD: Drink up, cutie.

V: It's a little.. early.

JD: Dad, hey champ, you know we don't condone
underage drinking in this household.

BD: Ohh, so you're a good girl.

V: Um... uh...

JD: Veronica was just leaving-

BD: Come on, relax. Just havin' some fun!
Huh? [chuckles] Sit, sit.

Work was a real pain in the ass today.

Some damn tribe of withered old bitches is
trying to stop my poor ol' dad from

blowin' up this fleabag hotel.

All because Glenn Miller once took a dump there.

Just like Kansas. You remember Kansas?

JD: Yeah.

The "Save The Memorial Oak" Society.

My pop showed those tree humpers.

Thirty bricks of C4 explosives
stuck to the trunk.

HE WAS--

Both: ARRAIGNED BUT ACQUITTED!

JD: Goddamn Kansas.
BD: Hell of a time, hell of a time.

BD: So pop,
can I invite my girlfriend to supper?

JD: Uhhh, I don't think that's such
a good idea, son!

BD: Come on, pop!

Don't be a square.

V: Oh! I.. um...

I appreciate the offer, I-I really do,
but I-I can't stay, actually

'cause my mom is making my favorite..
meal tonight, it's spaghetti!

...with looots of oregano!

JD: Nice.

Last time I saw MY mom,
she was waving at me out the window

of a library in... Texas.

Right, dad?

BD: Right, son.

V: Okay! Well, see you tomorrow!

Dear diary, JD's dad will NOT
be speaking at our wedding.

V: Hello?

H M.: Veronica? I need help,
I'm at the cemetery.

V: What's wrong?

H M.: Just hurry up, please?

It's an emergency.

V: Okay!

[V taps on car window]
[H M. rolls window down]

V: Hey! Hi, uh... is Kurt okay?

H M.: Oh, he passed out.

Me and Kurt and Ram and Heather Duke
came out to pour a jub of Thunderbird

on Heather's grave, you know,
from her homies?

But Kurt and Ram drank it all.

Kurt: Nooo!

H M.: Then Heather and Ram
went off together and...

Kurt started grabbin' me
and wouldn't stop.

V: Wait, af- after everything..
that happened at Ram's party,

why did you call ME?

H M.: Oh, well that was the deal.

If I got you to come,
Kurt promised to leave me alone!

V: So...

So YOU avoided date r*pe...

by volunteering ME...

FOR date r*pe.

H M.: God, you make it sound ugly.

V: I'm leaving now.

K: Heyyyyy, Veronicaaaa!

I waited 10 whole beers for you!

H D.: GODDAMNIT, Ram! I SAID I'm DONE!

R: Come on, Heather, don't walk away!

H D.: Sober up, idiot.

Heather, unlock the door!

[car door opens and closes]

R: You can't leave me like this!
[slams face on car window]

R: You're causing physical pain
in my area!

It's science, I need relief!

K: [grunts and points at Veronica]

R: Heyyy, 'Rrrronicaaaa.

V: Eugh.. you've got a left hand, use it.

K: Don't talk mean like that!

R: You'll hurt their feelings....

V: Wait... whose feelings?!
What are you talking about?

R: You make my balls so blue.

K: You hurt them badly

R: You make my balls so blue.

K: They're hanging sadly.

R: What did they do to you?

That you hate them so.

K: Don't run from me.

They're all beat up

Both: Like a tackling dummy!

K: They long for your embrace.

R: They're warm like mittens.

K: They'll curl up on your face.

R: And purr like kittens.

K: You make my balls so blue.

Both: Just look at them glow!

R: They're begging you!

Both: Don't make my balls so blue!

[V knocking on the car door]

V: Heather!

Heather! Open the door!

H M. & D: Oh no! Oh no, no, no!

V: What... open the door!

H M. & D: Oh no! Oh no, no, no!

K: You make my balls so blue

So please say hello!

R: Hold 'em!

K: And fold 'em!

Both: And never let go!

K: Once you were geeky and nerdy.

R: But they knew you're dirty!

K: You're set them on fire!

Both: What ever you require they'll do!

So take them home

to meet your parents!

R: They'll wear a suit and tie.

And a fancy collar!

R: They'll sing a lullaby.

Both: La la la la la.

Please make these balls not blue!

R: Just for a while

K: Can't wait til later.

Both: My pants are rubbin' like a

hot cheese grater!

V: Hey give me that one!

LOOK! Booze! Drink!

K: Aw! Thank you so much!
V: You are so welcome.

R: They will protect you,

K: Defend you,

R: Respect you,

K: Befriend you-

R: Like WInnie-the-Pooh!

K: Baby, baby, baby!

They're so blue!

R: My balls will work for you!

They will obey ya!

R: They really need rescue,

Like Princess Leia!

Both: Baby you've gots to come through!

K: Teach them to smile!

You've got no clue

How much these two

Depend on you!

Please help them through!

K, R, & Heathers: My balls are in your court!

K &R: Yeah!
H. M & D: You make them balls so blue!

K &R: You make my balls so blue!

H. M & D: You make my balls so blue!
K: Oooh! Ow!

You make them balls so blue!
H. M &D: You shake them
K &R: Oh god!

You quake them.
K &R: My balls!

You break-

K, R, & Heathers: You make my balls so blue!

H. M & D: You take them
R: Lookit!

You bake them!
K: Lookit!

H. M & D: Chrissake

You make my balls so blue!

Please make their dreams come true!

And make these balls not blue!

V: Dear diary,

Close call last night, uh...

The only person at the Westerburg who

could actually control Kurt and Ram

was Heather Chandler.

And she is dead.

H C.: Shoulda thought of that
before you killed me!

[hacking and choking] God!

I'm gonna be coughing up
drain cleaner for eternity!

[hacking]

V: Uh..

I didn't technically kill Heather,

and I know that, but I still... feel bad.

But...

not as bad as I should...?

And that... makes me feel even worse.

Oh hey, guys!

Still really looking forward
to that apology from both of you

for being two ice cold bitches last night!

H D.: Um, cleaning out Heather's locker?
Little respect?!

H C.: [scoffs] Heather Duke was such
a sad little poser.

Veronica, tell her to stop
touching my STUFF!

Veronica!

H C.: VERONICA!
V: SHUT UP, HEATHER!

H D.: YOU shut up!
I don't have to shut up ANYMORE!

H M.: Hey, that's Heather's scrunchie!

H D.: Shut up, Heather!
H M.: Sorry, Heather....

H D.: Heather Chandler is gone.
It's up to me to replace her!

V: Replace Heather Chandler?

H D.: Please!

You need to worry less about me,

and more about your reputation.

Kurt and Ram have been telling the whole school

about your little three-way last night.

JD: Three-way?

V: Oh!...

No- there was no three-way,

nothing happened.

H D.: I remember differently.

I seem to remember there was a--

Kurt & Ram: Big sword fight in her mouth.

Preppy stud: And she allowed it!?

K, R & Prep: Big sword fight in her mouth.

H. C & D: It sure sounds crowded.

K: And then we both went south.

R: And planted our flags!

K: My big salami.

K & R: Ba-bent her over like origami.

Whoa ooh!

Whoa ooh!

Whoa ooh!

Whoa ooh!

Everybody was sword fighting

in her mouth!

Yes we're convinced it,

went down right in her mouth!

H. C: I hope she rinsed it!

Ram: She blew and blew and blew

Like they were balloons!

K: She lapped us up

R: Like a hardy stew

K & R: She bit on more than

she could chew!

H. D: She'll do the same for you!

She blew not one guy but two

She blew and blew and blew.

She's like a freak in a zoo.

H. D: Veronica blew two
She blew and blew and blew

And every word is true.

Veronica blew two!

H. C: Yeaaah!

Students: Freak! Slut! Ps*cho!

Slut! Punkass! Slut!

Freak! Slut! Ps*cho! Slut! Punkass-...!

K and H D.: Whoooore.

[Kurt laughing]

V: Oh my god....

Are you ok?

V: Can you look at me? Are you ok?

JD: Yeah, yeah I'm fine...

How about you?

V: Oh yeah, no, I'm fine, I'm um...

I'm awesome, I...

I'm s- I'm sorry about the waterworks. I just-...

JD: They made you cry,

but that will end tonight.

You are the only thing that's right

about this broken world.

Go on and cry.

But when the morning comes,

We'll burn it down and then,

we'll build the world again.

Our love is God.

V: Are you ok?-

JD: I was alone.

I was a frozen lake.

But then you melted me awake,

see, now I'm crying too.

JD: You're not alone.

V: You're not alone.

JD: And when the morning comes,

V: When the morning comes,
JD: We'll burn away that tear,

JD: and raise our city here.

V: Raise our city here.

Both: Our love is God.

K: YEAH-LO?

V: Hiii~, Kurt!

K: It's Veronica...

V: Um..

Hey, how did you know it was always

a fantasy of mine to have 2 guys at once?

K: Uhhhhhh...

Uhh..

Lucky guess.

V: Well, if you want it to come true,

then meet me at the cemetery at dawn.

K: Free pussy.

R: And we don't even have to buy it a pizza.

K: WHAAT!
Both: [laughing]

JD: We can start and finish wars.

Both: We're what killed the dinosaurs.

We're the asteroid that's overdue!

The dinosaurs choked on the dust.

They died because God said they must.

The new world needed room for me and you.

JD: I worship you.

I'd trade my life for yours.

We'll make them disappear.

JD: We'll plant our garden here.
V: Plant our garden here.

JD: Our love is God.

V: Our love is God.

JD: Our love is God.

V: Our love is God.

JD: Our love is God.

V: Woah, uh...

V: Is that real?

JD: Yeah.

But we're filling it
with Ich Lüge bullets.

V: Ich Lüge.. what?

JD: My grandad scored them in World War 2.

They contain this powerful tranquilizer.

The Nazis used them to fake their own

suicides when the Russians invaded Berlin.

We, will use them to knock out Kurt and Ram

just long enough to make it

look like a suicide pact,

complete with a forged suicide note.

K&R: Ram and I died because we had

to hide our gay forbidden love

from a misapproving world.

JD: And when the morning comes,

they'll both be laughing stocks.

Both: SO LET'S GO HUNT SOME JOCKS!

K: Hey, hi! Hi!

Hi.

.. VeronicA.

R: So do we just like,
whip it out, or what?

V: Ah!

Take it slow, Ram.

Strip for me~.

R: Okay...

K: Okaaaay~.

V: Oh, wow-

Ohhhh, woooow!

K: You like that?

V: I loooove thaaaat....

K: What about you?

V: Oh! [cough]

Uh.. I was hoping...

you could rip my clothes off me, sport.

K&R: Yeah, we can do that.

K: This is the best!!

V: This IS the best.

V: Okay, count of three!

K: Yeah!!

All 3: One...

Two...

JD: Three!

[Double gunshot]

K: HOLY CRAP!

JD: Stay here, I'll get him.
K: YOU KILLED MY BEST FRIEND!

JD: Kuuurt... KURT!
K: WHY ARE YOU CHASING ME?!

V: ...Ram? Ram, you're just unconscious, right?
K: I'M JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE BO DIDDLEY THING!

V: Ram?!

JD: GET OFF THE DAMN FENCE!
K: I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

JD: We can start and finish wars...

We're what killed the dinosaurs.

JD: We're the asteroid that's overdue.

K: STOP BEING A DICK.

JD: The dinosaurs choked on the dust,

K: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?
JD: They'll die because we say they must!

V: What the FUCK have you done?!

JD: I worship you...

I'd trade my life for yours.

We'll make them disappear.

We'll plant our garden here....

Our love is God.

Our love is God.

Our love is God.

Our love is God.

JD: Our love is God.

V: OUR LOVE IS GOD.

JD: Our love is God!

V: OUR LOVE IS GOD.

OUR LOVE IS GOD!

V: Dear Diary,

I'm goin' steady.

Mostly he's awesome,

if a bit too rock and roll.

Lately he's bumped off 3 of my classmates,

God have mercy on my soul!

They were just seventeen....

They still had room to grow...

They could have turned out good,

and now we'll never know.

JD: There's been a lack of girls climbing

through my bedroom window lately.

V: Take a hint.

JD: Okay. You're mad, I get it.

V: No, I don't think you do.

V: "Ich Lüge" bullets? You lied to me.

JD: You were lying to yourself.

JD: You wanted them dead too.

V: Did not.
JD: Did too.

V: Did not.
JD: Did too.

V: Did NOT!

JD: Hey!

Did they make you cry?

V: Yes...?

JD: Can they make you cry now?

V: No, but you can.

JD: Just wait 'til you see the good
that comes of this.

V: No good could possibly come of this.

JD: Call me an optimist!

V: Dear diary,
My teen angst bullshit has a body count.

Mr. Kelly: I don't really know what I'm
supposed to say up here.

I'm ashamed, certainly.

Our family has turned our town
into a laughingstock.

My boy Kurt isn't who I thought he was,

and when I think of the SICK, DISGUSTING things

that Kurt and Ram were doing-

Mr. Sweeney: YOU WAIT JUST A MINUTE, PAUL.

It is ignorant, hateful talk like yours
that makes this world

a place our boys could not live in!

They were not dirty!

They were not wrong!

They were two lonely verses

in the Lord's great song.

Mr.K: Our boys were pansies, Bill.

Mr.S: YES!

My boy's a homosexual,

and that don't scare me none.

I want the world to know...

I love my dead gay son!

I've been thinkin'...

prayin'...

readin' some magazines,

and it's time we opened our eyes!

Well, the good Lord made the universe,
the Lord created man.

And I believe it's all a part
of his gigantic plan.

I know God has a reason for
each mountain and each flower,

and why He chose to let our boys
get busy in the shower.

Crowd: NOO-OOOH!

Mr.S: They were not dirty.

C: WO-OAH!

Mr.S: They were not fruits!

Crowd: NO-OH!

Mr.S: They were just two stray laces
in the Lord's big boots!

Well I never cared for homos much,
until I reared me one.

But now I've learned to love...

Mr.S: I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON!
C: HE LOVES HIS SON, HE LOVES HIS SON! HIS DEAD GAY SON!

Mr.S: Now I say my boy's in heaven,
and he's tannin' by the pool.

The cherubim walk him and him,
and Jesus says "It's cool!"

They don't have crime or hatred,
there's no bigotry or cursin'.

Just friendly fellows dressed up
like their favorite Village person!

Mr.S: They were not dirty!
C: NO, NO!

Mr.S: They just had flair!
C: WO-OAH.

Mr.S: They were two bright red ribbons
in the Lord's long hair!

Well I used to see a homo
and go reachin' for my gun.

But now I've learned to love....

AND FURTHER MORE!

These boys were brave as hell.

These boys, they knew damn well

those folks would judge 'em.

They were desperate to be free!

They took a rebel stance,

stripped to their underpants.

Paul, I can't believe that you

still refuse to get a clue,

after all that we've been through.

Mr.S: I'M TALKIN' YOU AND ME.
C: [gasps]

Mr.S: IN THE SUMMER OF '83.
C: [GASPS]

Mr.K: ...That was one hell
of a fishin' trip.

C: WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH,
WOAH WOAH, WOAH!

THEY WERE NOT DIRTY. NO!
AND NOT PERVERSE. NO, NO.

THEY WERE JUST TWO STRAY RHINESTONES
ON THE LORD'S BIG PURSE!

Both: OUR JOB IS NOW CONTINUING
THE WORK THAT THEY BEGUN.

C: 'CAUSE NOW WE LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.
WE LOVE YOUR DEAD--

Both: They're up there disco dancing
to the thump of angel wings.

They grab a mate and roller skate,
while Judy Garland sings.

They live a playful afterlife
that's fancy-free and reckless!

Mr.K: They swing up on the pearly gates,

All: AND WEAR A PEARLY NECKLACE!

Both: THEY WERE NOT DIRTY!
C: NO!

Both: THEY WERE GOOD MEN!
C: WOAH, WOAH.

All: AND NOW THEY'RE HAPPY BEAR CUBS
IN THE LORD'S BIG DEN!

Mr.S: Go forth and love each other now,

Both: like our boys would have done.

Both: We'll teach the world to love....
C: THE WORLD TO LOVE...

All: THE WORLD TO LOVE!

Both: I love my dead gay son!
C: NOT HALF BAD, YOUR DEAD GAY SON.

Both: My son, MY SON!
C: WISH I HAD A DEAD GAY SON.

All: DEAD

GAY

SON!

JD: [sniffs]

What is that?

That smell in the air, is that...

tolerance?

Inclusion.

Love.

How often can you say it's a good day
to live in Sherwood, Ohio?

JD: You're welcome, town!
V: Hey.

You don't have to be so smug about it.

JD: No...

Your love...

keeps me humble.

So who's next?

Heather Duke?

She's the one that started that
three-way rumor.

I've been underlining meaningful
passages in her copy

of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.

V: NO!

No, I do NOT accept this.

We've already killed three people.

V: This ENDS right here, right now.
JD: Or what?

V: I'll...

I'll break up with you.

JD: Any war has casualties.

Doesn't mean it's not worth fighting.

What, what..

you-you'd rather go to JAIL?

Hm?

And then give a free pass to the thugs
who hurt people?

Evil FUCKS

that make life SO UNBEARABLE,

that you can't stand to live in the world anymore?

V: JD...!

...How did your mother die?

JD: [scoffs]

JD: You really wanna know?
V: Yeah..

JD: My dad

said it was an accident.

But she knew what she was doing.

She walked into that building

2 minutes

before dad blew it up.

She waved at me out the window,

and then...

KABOOM...

She left me.

V: I'm really sorry, I...

JD: It's okay.

The pain gives me clarity.

You and I are special,
we have a lot of work to do.

V: Wh-what work?

JD: Making the world a decent place
for people who are decent!

V: When does it end?!
JD: WHEN EVERY ASSHOLE IS DEAD.

V: Fine, we're damaged.

Really damaged,
but that does not make us wise.

We're not special...

We're not different.

We don't CHOOSE who lives or dies.

Let's be normal.

See bad movies...

sneak a beer, and watch TV.

We'll bake brownies,

or go bowling...

Don't you want a life with me?

Can't we be seventeen?

That's all I want to do.

If you could let me in,

I could be good with you.

V: People hurt us.

JD: Or they vanish.

V: And you're right,

it really blows.

V: But we let go,

JD: take a deep breath,

V: and go buy some summer clothes!

V: We'll go camping.

JD: Play some poker.

V: And we'll eat some chili fries.

V: Maybe prom night!

JD: Maybe dancing!

V: Don't stop looking in MY EYES!

JD: YOUR EYES!

Both: CAN'T WE BE SEVENTEEN?

IS THAT SO HARD TO DO?

IF YOU COULD LET ME IN,

I COULD BE GOOD WITH YOU!

LET US BE SEVENTEEN,

IF WE'VE STILL GOT THE RIGHT!

V: SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

I WANNA BE WITH YOU.

JD: I WANNA BE WITH YOU
V: WANNA BE WITH YOU

Both: TONIGHT!

V: Yeah, we're damaged.

JD: Badly damaged.

Both: But your love's too good to lose!

V: Hold me tighter.

JD: Even closer.

V: I'll stay if I'm what you choose!

JD: Can't we be seventeen?

V: If I am what you choose.

JD: If we've still got the right.

V: 'Cause you're the one I choose!

JD: You're the one I choose.

Both: You're the one I choose!

H C.: And they lived happily ever after!

You really believe that?

You think it all goes back to normal?

[scoffs]

Don't give me that wounded look.

You know exactly what he is,

and you LOVE it.

V: Just stop talking.

H C.: Only a true dead best friend
would give it to you straight!

M: Veronica, I need your help!

V: Sure! What?

M: Something doesn't add up.

I think Ram and Kurt were murdered.

H C.: Well FUCK ME gently with a chainsaw!

Nancy Drew is onto you, Veronica!

V: Why would you say that?

They found a suicide note.

M: Well, it could've been faked!

You forge stuff all the time, right?

V: Right...

H C.: I am in love

with this fat girl!

V: That's ridiculous,

who'd wanna kill Ram and Kurt?

M: I'm thinking it was your friend JD.

You saw the way he went after
them in the lunch room.

K: Yeah, man. That sucked!

M: There's something off about that JD.

R: Looks like Veronica's going
to lady prison.

Girl on girl!

K: PUNCH IT IN!
K&R: [moaning]

M: I wanna look in JD's locker.

I thought maybe you could get me the combination!

H C.: I bet there's all kinds of
interesting things in that locker!

[gasp] Maybe some "Ich Lüge" bullets?

V: This is a pretty wild theory, Martha.

M: I don't care what they were
saying at the funeral.

Ram was not gay!

M: I'd stake my life on it!

K: HAHA!

Ram's a fatty magnet!

R: Yeah? At least I don't have skid marks.

K: Bullshit.

R: SKID MARKS! SKID MARKS!
YOU HAVE SKID MARKS!
K: FATTY MAGNET! FATTY MAGNET!

V: STOP IT, STOP IT! STOP IT.

M: Stop what?!

Veronica, what's wrong with you!?

V: Sorry.. I'm really sorry, I'm just..
I'm trying to understand, okay?

But Ram was gay, why would you think
anything else?

M: He kissed me. Remember?

On the kickball field?
V: Yeah, in kindergarten.

M: My heart knows the truth.
H C.: Time to choose, Veronica.

Eat or be eaten.

M: Why would Ram write me that note if he
didn't still feel something?

H C.: You know what to say!

M: Why would he invite me to his
homecoming party?

I'm gonna confront JD.

V: No, please don't!
H C.: DO YOU HAVE THE GUTS?

V: [laughs]

Oh, you floor me, Martha, you really do.

M: W-what do you mean?

V: Ram didn't write that love note, I did.

M: [laughs]

No...?

V: Yeah.

The Heathers put me up to it. The whole

school was in on the joke and no one

laughed harder than Ram.

He didn't love you.

He was a DICK.

And now he's dead.

Move on.

...Shit.

No. Look, I had to hurt her, okay?

If JD caught her going through his stuff,

V: he would--
H C.: KILL HER?

[gasps] Is that what you're afraid of?

I thought the desperado hung up
his six guns.

Don't you trust him?

Ms.F: VERONICA! There you are!

I need you girls in place for the assembly.

V: Ohh right, this thing! Christ.

Ms.F: Alright, it's pedal to the metal!

Come on now! Show some muscle.

H M.: I'm kinda looking forward to this!

H D.: Did you have a brain tumor
for breakfast?

H M.: Sorry, Heather....

Ms.F: Helloooo, Westerburg!

Let's try that one more time!
HELLOOOO, WESTERBURG!

There's the spirit!
Oh, you all look so lovely.

Welcome to this very special assembly.

Now, I want you to ignore the television

cameras and the news crews.

They're just here to document this
significant moment.

Whether to kill yourself or not is
one of the most important decisions

a teenager can make.

Yes, yes.

So! You know what I'm going
to do right now?

Boy: Kill yourself on stage?

Ms.F: That's not productive, Dwight.

Now, my senior thesis at Berkeley
was on the subject of--

Thank you.

--was on the subject of
Pediatric Psychotherapeutic Musicology.

It was terrifically well-regarded,

so I speak with some
authority when I tell you that

the way to eliminate suicide

is by first eliminating fear.

By creating a safe zone
in which we all are equal!

Deep inside of everyone,
there's a hot ball of shame.

Guilt, regret, anxiety,
fears we dare not name!

But if we show the ugly parts
that we hide away,

they turn out to be beautiful
by the light of day!

Why not shine, shine, shine a light

on your deepest fears!

Let in sunlight now,

and your pain will disappear!

Shine, shine, shine,
and your scars and your flaws

will look lovely because you shine

You shine a light!

Girl: Everyday's a battlefield,
when pride's on the line.

Boy: I attack your weaknesses,
and pray you don't see mine!

Boy: But if I share my ugly parts,

Girl: and you show me yours,

Boy: Our love can knock our walls down,

and unlock all our doors!

Come on, shine, shine, shine a light
on your deepest fears!

Let in sunlight now,
and your pain will disappear!

Who wants to share what's in their heart?

No volunteers? Fine, I'll start.

My name's Pauleen. I live alone.

My husband left, my kids are grown.

In the 60's, love was free!

That did not work out well for me.

The revolution came and went.

Tried to change the world, barely made a dent.

I have struggled with despair!

I've joined a cult, chopped off my hair,

I chant, I pray, but God's not there,

so Steve, I'm ending our affair!

Audience member: ...I'm sorry?

Ms.F: Might be a bad time to
mention that I faked it every time.

Awwww!

Now we're letting each other go!

That feels fan-freakin'-tastic!

Ms.F: One, two, take me home, kids!
S: SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT!

Ms.F: ON YOUR DEEPEST FEARS,
AND YOUR PAIN WILL DISAPPEAR.

S: SHINE, SHINE, SHINE,
Ms.F: AND YOUR SCARS AND YOUR FLAWS

All: WILL LOOK LOVELY BECAUSE YOU SHINE

S: YOU SHINE

Ms.F: SHINE A LIGHT!

All: SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT!

All: SHINE, SHINE, SHINE, A LIGHT!
Ms.F: Yeah!

All: SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT!

SHINE A LIGHT!

Okay, kids! Come on, now!

I want you to work with me,
I want you to share your pain.

I want you to drag it out into the light
where we all can take a look at it.

H M.: I've thought about killing myself!

H D.: What the hell are you doing-?!

Ms.F: No-no-no-no-no....

Keep talking, Heather,
you're in a safe place.

It's just you and me
and the classmates who love you.

Share! It's gonna be ok.

H D.: Heather, get back in line!

Ms.F: Zip it!

H M.: The last guy I
slept with killed himself

because he was gay for his linebacker.

And...

my best friend seemed to have
it all together, but now she's gone too.

And now my stomach
hurts worse and worse...

And every morning on the bus, I feel
my heart beating louder and faster,

and I'm like "Jesus, I'm on the frickin' bus again

'cause all my rides to school are dead."

I float in a boat...

in a raging black ocean.

Low in the water,
and nowhere to go.

The tiniest life boat...

with people I know.

Cold, clammy, and crowded,

the people smell desperate.

We'll sink any minute,
so someone must go....

The tiniest lifeboat...

with people I know.

EVERYONE'S PUSHING!
EVERYONE'S FIGHTING!

STORMS ARE APPROACHING,
THERE'S NOWHERE TO HIDE!

IF I SAY THE WRONG THING,
OR I WEAR THE WRONG OUTFIT,

THEY'LL THROW ME RIGHT OVER THE SIDE!

I'm.. hugging my knees,
and the captain is pointing.

Well, who made HER captain?!

Still, the weakest must go....

The tiniest lifeboat...

full of people I know.

The tiniest lifeboat...

full of people I know....

H D.: What's your damage, Heather?!
Are you saying Westerburg

H D.: is not a nice place?
Ms.F: Heather!

H D.: Where's your school spirit?! You
don't deserve to wear our school colors.

Why don't you hop in your little lifeboat,
and catch a gnarly wave over to Bennington!

Ms.F: Alright! Let's calm it down!
Girl: Aww, look!

Girl: Ohh, Heather's gonna cryyy~.

S: [cooing mockingly]

Ms.F: YOUNG LADY, YOU ARE SUSPENDED.

Turn the cameras off.
Turn 'em off, goddamnit!

V: Is that all you care about? TV cameras?

Ms.F: I care about saving lives!

Heather Duke ruined a valuable teach--

V: VALUABLE?! None of us want this spectacle.

To be experimented on like guinea pigs,
and patronized like bunny rabbits!

Ms.F: I don't patronize bunny rabbits!

H C.: This is their big secret, Veronica!

The adults are powerless.

V: Heather trusted you.

You said that you would protect her.

H C.: They can't help us.
Nobody can help us.

V: You're useless.
H C.: We're alone in the ocean!

V: And all of you are idiots!
JD: You should sit down now.

V: NO! Heather was a monster,
just like Kurt and Ram,

and they didn't kill themselves,
I KILLED THEM.

What do you all think of that...?

S: [scoff and laugh]

H D.: Some people will say anything if
they think it'll make them popular!

JD: VERONICA!

H M.: Stupid child-proof caps!

H D.: Aww, look! Heather's going to
All: WHINE, WHINE, WHINE ALL NIGHT.

H D.: You don't deserve to live.

All: WHY NOT KILL YOURSELF?
H D.: Here, have a sedative.

All: WHINE, WHINE, WHINE
H D.: like there's no Santa Claus.

All: YOU'RE PATHETIC BECAUSE YOU WHINE,

H D.: You whine all night!

S: WHIIIIINE.
H D.: Your ass is off the team.

S: WHIIIIINE.
H D.: Go on and bitch and moan.

S: WHIIIIINE.
H D.: You don't deserve the dream.

S: WHIIIIINE.
H D.: You're gonna die alone.

All: DIE ALONE! DIE ALONE!
DIE ALONE! DIE ALONE!

V: NO!

No, no, no. Stop, stop!

H M.: Suicide is a private thing!

V: You're throwing your life away to
become a statistic in USA Today?

That's like the least private
thing that I can think of!

H M.: But what about Heather
and Ram and Kurt?

V: If everyone jumped off a bridge,
young lady, would you?

H M.: ...Probably.

V: If you were happy every single day of
your life then you wouldn't be human.

You'd be a game show host.

H M.: Thanks for coming after me.

V: Oh, you're welcome!

[JD clapping]

JD: You are a genius!

You had me worried with your little..
confession there, but you pulled it off.

Best place to hide, right in plain sight.

V: No, I wasn't trying to hide.

JD: Why'd you have to meddle
with MacNamara?

One more dead Heather's a good thing!

V: No, she's my friend!

JD: Okay, if she's your friend, then why
are we letting DUKE live?

The bitch that made MacNamara
wanna KILL herself.

JD: You see, nothing ever CHANGES unless you--
V: Hey, we're out of the

V: change business, ok?!
JD: Oh, so we're gonna just let Duke run

JD: around spreading the same old lies
V: No! No, [arguing]

JD: to ALL THOSE PEOPLE because all that does--
V: Listen, listen, listen, listen....

V: Just...

don't talk over me, okay?

You promised me.

JD: I promised.

V: Thank you....

Mr.D: Gee, Pop, ever heard of knockin'?
I was playin' grab-ass with my girlfriend.

JD: Well, you know the rules, young man.

When company's over, the bedroom
door stays open.

Mr.D: So the judge, God bless 'em, told
those [something] groupees

to suck(?) shit and die! Ha, you
should've seen the fireworks.

I got it all right here on video.

I packed the upper floor with thermals,
set off the whole thing with

a Norwegian(?) in the boiler room.

KABOOM.

Right back(?).

I'm gonna want my drawstring
pants for this!

[shoots gun]

Mr.D: GODDAMNIT! NO FIREARMS IN THE HOUSE.

JD: [laughing]
V: Why are you carrying a gun?!

JD: It pissed off my dad, it was funny!

V: No, it's not funny! None of this is
funny. You're carrying a loaded weapon!

V: You promised me.

JD: Hey, it's a dangerous world.

V: Yeah, because of you.

You know what, don't call me.

V: Don't talk to me.
JD: Veronica...!

V: No, you don't understand the difference
between right and wrong!

JD: Come ON, come back!

V: No, we're over!
JD: But I love you!

V: Goodbye, JD.

Students: WO-O-O-O-OAH!

H M.: Tomorrow night's the pep rally!

S: WO-O-O-O-OAH!

H M.: Let's get psyched!

All: HEY-O, WESTERBURG!
TELL ME, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

HERE COMES WESTERBURG,
COMIN' TA PUT YOU IN THE GROUND.

GO GO, WESTERBURG!
GIVE A GREAT BIG YELL.

WESTERBURG WILL KNOCK YOU OUT,
AND SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!

JD: "I now know thee,

thou clear spirit."

H D.: That's from Moby Dick.

JD: I appreciate a well-read woman.

H D.: [scoffs] What's in the envelope?

Oh crap!

JD: Just a tangible reminder that at one
point at around age 6, I'm guessing?

You and Martha Dunstock were FRIENDS!

H D.: Where'd you get these pictures?!
Did Veronica give them to you?

[scoffs] What do you want, money?

JD: A favor.

H D.: No way. [scoffs]

JD: Oh, I really love this one of you and
Martha in the bath tub together?

H D.: These photos are ancient history.
Nobody cares about the past!

Nobody cares about Martha Dumptruck.

M: There was a boy I met in kindergarten.

He was sweet, he said that I was smart.

He was good at sports, and
people liked him.

And at naptime once, we shared a mat.

I didn't sleep,

I sat and watched him breathing.

Watched him dream for nearly half an hour.

Oooooh...

Then he woke up.

He pulled a scab off
one time playing kickball.

Kissed me quick,

then pressed it in my hand.

I took that scab and
put it in a locket.

All year long, I wore it near my heart.

He didn't care if I was thin or pretty.

And he was mine until we hit first grade.

Oooooh...

Then he woke up.

Last night I dreamed a horse with wings

flew down into my homeroom.

On its back, there he sat,

and he held out his arms.

So we sailed above the gym,

across the faculty parking lot.

My kindergarten boyfriend and I...

and a horse with wings!

Now we're all grown up and we know better.

Now we recognize the way things are.

Certain boys are just for kindergarten.

Certain girls are meant to be alone.

But I believe that any dream worth having,

is a dream that should not have to end.

So I'll build a dream that I can live in,

and this time I'm never waking up!

And we'll soar above the trees,

over cars and croquet lawns,

past the church, and the lake,

and the tri-county mall.

We will fly through the dawn

to a new kindergarten!

Where naptime is centuries long.

Oooooh, oooooh.

Oooo-oooo-oo-ooh...

H D.: Hey guys!

Missed you after 8th period!

V: We were avoiding you.

H M.: What you did to me sucked!

H D.: Oh, very very.
Here, I need you both to sign this.

V: What is that?

H D.: It's a petition to have the governor
to declare a day of remembrance

to honor the victims of suicide.

I've gotten everybody to sign it,
even the dweebs and losers.

V: I'm not signing that.

H D.: Veronica, why are you
pulling my dick?

It was your boyfriend's idea.

V: Wait, JD?

H D.: He made up the signature sheet
and everything.

V: Hold on....

Look, I...

I don't know what JD is up to,
but if you know what's good for you,

please, just... throw that away.

H D.: [scoffs] Not a chance.

I'll just fake your signature
like I did with Martha Dumptruck.

She's in no shape to sign anything today.

V: Why not?

H D.: It was on the radio!

She took a bellyflop off the
Old Mill Bridge last night,

holding a suicide note.

V: Oh my god....

V: Wait, is she ok--
H D.: Just some broken bones!

Just another geek trying to imitate the
popular people, and failing miserably.

Ghosts: Yo, girl.
Keep it together.

I knew
you would come far.

Now you're
truly a Heather.

Smell how
gangsta you are.

V: Martha, I'm so sorry....

G: Yo, girl.
Feel a bit punchy?

She's not
looking so well.

Still, you've
earned that red scrunchie.

Come join
Heather in hell.

Mr.S: Where have you been?
Mrs.S: We've been worried sick!

And your friend JD stopped by,
he told us everything.

V: Everything?

Mr.S: Your depression,
your thoughts of suicide...

Mrs.S: He even showed us
your copy of Moby Dick.

H C.: He's got your handwriting down cold!

Mrs.S: Please, honey, talk to us.

V: No, you wouldn't understand.
Mrs.S: Try me!

Look, I've experienced everything you're
going through right now.

I know it all seems impossibly dramatic.

G: GUESS WHO'S RIGHT DOWN THE BLOCK.
S: Your problems seem like life and death

G: GUESS WHO'S CLIMBING THE STAIRS.
Mrs.S: But I promise, they're not.

G: GUESS WHO'S PICKING YOUR LOCK.
V: You dont know what my world looks like!

G: TIME'S UP, GO SAY YOUR PRAYERS!
Mrs.S: HAVE A NICE DAY!

G: Veronica's running on, running on 
fumes now. Veronica's totally fried!

Veronica's gotta be tripping on
shrooms now, thinkin' that she can hide!

Veronica's done for, there's no doubt now.
Notify next of kin.

Veronica's trying to keep him out now,

TOO LATE, he got in.

JD: Knock, knock!

Sorry to come in through the window.

Dreadful etiquette, I know.

V: Get out of my house.

JD: Hiding in the closet? [laughs]

Come ooon!

Open the door!

V: No, I'll scream.
My parents will call the police.

JD: All is forgiven, baby!

Come on out and get dressed.
You're my date for the pep rally tonight.

V: What? Why?!

JD: Well, our classmates thought they
were signing a petition.

You gotta come out here and see
what they really signed!

You chucked me out like I was trash,

for that you should be dead.

But, but, but!

Then it hit me like a flash:

"What if high school went away instead?"

Those assholes are the key!

They're keeping you away from me!

They made you blind,

messed up your mind.
But I can set you free!

You left me and I fell apart,

I punched the wall and cried.

BAM, BAM, BAM!

Then I found you changed my heart,

and set loose all that truth bullshit inside!

And so I built a bomb.

Tonight our school is Vietnam.

Let's guarantee they never see
their senior prom!

I was meant to be yours!

We were meant to be one!

Don't give up on me now,

finish what we've begun!

I was meant to be yours!

So when the high school goes BOOM!

With everyone inside,

[makes explosion noises]

in the rubble of their tomb,

we'll plant this note
explaining why they died!

All: "We, the students of Westerburg High,
will die.

Our burned bodies may finally get through
to you.

Your society turns out slaves and blanks.

No thanks.
Signed, the students of Westerburg High.

GOODBYE."

JD: We'll watch the smoke
pour out the doors!

Bring marshmallows, we'll make s'mores!

We can smile and cuddle while
the fire roars!

I WAS MEANT TO BE YOURS!

WE WERE MEANT TO BE ONE!

I CAN'T MAKE IT ALONE,

FINISH WHAT WE BEGUN.

YOU WERE MEANT TO BE MINE!

I AM ALL THAT YOU NEED!

YOU CARVED OPEN MY HEART,

CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME TO BLEED!

V E R O N I C A!

Open the.. open the door, please.
Veronica, open the door!

Veronica, can we not fight anymore please?
Can we not fight anymore?

Veronica, sure, you're scared,
I've been there.

I can set you free!

Veronica, don't make me come in there.

I'M GONNA COUNT TO THREE!

One...

Two...

FUCK IT!

No...

Veronica...

Oh God....

Please..

don't...

leave me alone....

You..

were...

all I could trust....

I..

can't...

do this alone....

STILL,

I WILL

IF I MUST!

Mrs.S: Veronica?

I made you a snack!

...Veronica?

[screams]

V: OH, GOD! MOM!

[screaming at each other]

V: I'M SO SORRY, IT'S-IT'S A JOKE.
I'M SO SORRY, I'M SO SORRY!

Mrs.S: IT'S NOT FUNNY!

V: You're right, you're right, I'm sorry--
Mr.S: What's going on up here?!

V: Oh god, Mom, Dad, I'm so sorry.

Mr.S: Sorry for what?
V: For being a horrible person.

Mrs.S: What?

Mrs.S: Where are you going?!
V: Out.

Mr.S: When will you be back?

V: ...That's a good question.

I wanted someone strong who
could protect me.

I let his anger fester and infect me.

His solution is a lie.

No one here deserves to die.

Except for me,

and the monster I created.

Yeah, YEAH!

Heads up, JD.
I'm a dead girl walkin'.

Can't hide from me,
I'm a dead girl walkin'.

Now here's your final bell.

It's one more dance, and then farewell.

Cheek to cheek in hell

with a dead girl

walkin'.

S: WO-O-O-O-OAH!

H M.: Come on, Westerburg!

S: WO-O-O-O-OAH!

H M.: Here we go! Here we go, now!

Ms.F: Veronica!

Jason Dean told me you just
committed suicide.

V: Yeah, well.. he's wrong about
a lot of things.

Ms.F: I threw together a lovely tribute,

especially considering the short notice.

V: Ms. Fleming, what's under the gym?

Ms.F: The boiler room.

V: Oh... that's it.

Ms.F: Veronica, what is going on?!

V: Got no time to talk,
I'm a dead girl walkin'!

S: HEY-O, WESTERBURG!

TELL ME, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

HERE COMES WESTERBURG,

COMIN' TA PUT YOU IN THE GROUND.

GO, GO WESTERBURG!

GIVE A GREAT BIG YELL.

WESTERBURG WILL KNOCK YOU OUT,

AND SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!

V: Step away from the bomb.

JD: And here I thought you'd lost
your taste in faking suicides.

Oh-oh, and this little thing?

I'd hardly call this a bomb.

This is to trigger

the packs of thermals

upstairs in the gym.

Now, those?...

Those are bombs.

People will see the ashes of Westerburg,

and think to themselves,

"Now there's a school that self destructed,

not because society didn't care,

BUT BECAUSE

that school

WAS society."

You know, the only place that Heathers
and Marthas can truly get along...?

Heaven.

V: I wish your mom had been
a little stronger.

I wish she'd stayed around
a little longer.

I wish your dad were good!

I wish grownups understood!

I wish we'd met before

they convinced you life is war!

I wish you'd come with me!

JD: I WISH I HAD MORE TNT!

S: HEY-O, WESTERBURG!

TELL ME, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

HERE COMES WESTERBURG,

COMIN' TA PUT YOU IN THE GROUND!

GO, GO WESTERBURG!

GIVE A GREAT BIG YELL.

WESTERBURG WILL KNOCK YOU OUT,

AND SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO--

[gunshot]
V: [screams]

JD: Was that good for you?

'Cause it kinda sucked for me.

V: JD...?

JD: [grunts]

V: Just listen to me,
just listen to me, ok?

Just listen to me, it's over, okay?
Which wire do I pull?

JD, WHICH WIRE DO I PULL?!

J- ....

Dear diary, the irony of this is that

I never got to write my own suicide note.

JD: [grunts]

Smart girl.

Bring the trigger bomb

out here to the football field,
and nobody dies.

'Cept you...

...if you keep holding onto the thing-

V: I don't deserve to live.
JD: I respectfully...

...disagree.

JD: Give it to me.
V: Just stay away from me.

JD: Or what?

I am damaged.

Far too damaged.

But you're not beyond repair.

Stick around here.

Make things better.

'Cause...

you beat me...

fair and square.

Please stand back now.

Little further.

Don't know what this thing will do.

Hope you miss me,

wish you'd kiss me.

Then you'd know I worship you.

JD: I'll trade my life for yours.
V: Oh my god!

JD: And once I disappear...
V: Wait, HOLD ON.

JD: Clean up the mess down here!
V: NOT THIS WAY!

JD: Our love is God.

Our love is God.

Our love is God.

Our love is God.

V: Say hi to God.

[EXPLODE]

H M.: Where have you been?

People were saying you killed yourself.

H D.: You look like hell.

V: I just got back.

H D.: Hey, what are you doing?!

V: Listen up, folks. War is over.

Brand new sheriff's come to town.

We are done with acting evil.

We will lay our weapons down.

We're all damaged, we're all frightened.

We're all freaks, but that's alright.

We'll endure it, we'll survive it.

Martha, are you free tonight?

Ah...

My date for the pep rally
kinda blew...

me off, so...

I was wondering, if you weren't doing
anything tonight, maybe we could

pop some Jiffy Pop and rent a video?

Something with a happy ending.

M: Are there any happy endings?

V: I can't promise no more Heathers.

High school may not ever end.

Still, I miss you. I'd be honored,

If you'd let me be your friend!

M: My friend!

Both: We can be seventeen!

We can learn how to chill.

If no one loves me now,

someday somebody will.

We can be seventeen.

Still time to make things right.

One day we'll change the world,

but let's kick back tonight!

All: Let's go be seventeen!

Take off our clothes and dance!

Act like we're all still kids,

'cause this could be our final chance!

Always be seventeen.

Celebrate you and I.

Maybe we won't grow old,

and maybe then we'll never ever die!

We'll make it beautiful!

We'll make it beautiful!

Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful!

Beautiful! Beautiful!
Beautiful! Beautiful!

BEAUTIFUL!