Well, well, well your all very welcome along
to the Ballinclough community centre for this
The Annual Feis Ceol Talent Contest
Folks its a wonderful talent contest we have in store
for all of you wonderful people here
tonight
First up on the bill is an act that I'm
very much looking forward to seeing
Well they're a brother and sister
dance and rap duo
He'd prefer to be known as
the 'Ballinclough Badger'
What a ferocious beast!
and his adorable little sister
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Clara
Ah now.
Well isn't she delightful
whenever you're ready, you take it away
Here we go Clara
*Beat Boxing*
Ye can call me the Ballinclough Badger
I had to change my name anyways
Cause all the girls in the town call me Padraig
But all the lads in the town call me Virgin
Well, I should hope so
I say Ballinclough, ye say Badger
Ballinclough!
Audience: Badger
Ballinclough
Audience: Badger!
I say 'Badger', ye say 'Not a Virgin'
'Badger'
Audience: 'Not a Virgin'
Badger!
Audience: Not a Virgin
I'm definitely not a virgin okay so there
*Beatboxing*
Nobody tells me what to do
except mammy and granny
and uncle Seamus, who's back drinking
He is Clara
Oh no.
Ah that's very upsetting
How long was he off the drink Padraig?
Four days
Four days?
Oh that's atrocious
I know it's very sad
He's a powerful man all the same
I know he is yeah
And mam has Alopecia
Ohhhhhhhh
Oh, that's a nasty one
To be honest it was the last thing this family
at this moment in time
*Beatboxes*
The Gardaí, come up to me and say:
Hey Badger
Yeah?
I've forgotten
Clara! The denim jacket line
The Gardaí, come up to me and say:
Hey Badger
Yeah?!
It's gone again
Clara! 'Where'd you get the denim jacket'
denim jacket..
The Gardaí, come up to me and say:
WHERE'D YOU GET THE DENIM JACKET!
I look em up and down and say:
'Up Yours'.... in brackets
Oh no!!
Oh no, no, no
Stop that Clara!
That's very rude
That's a rude symbol to make
Padraig!
Padraig, you leave the mayor alone!
I'm sorry Seamus.
Stop that!
I wasn't doin it!
You WERE doin it
Padraig, you're still doin it now quit it
Come on, stop that
That's very rude
Ah Padraig now.
Padraig!
I'm ten
You're a messer, that's what you are alright?
Are you gonna stop that?
I'm gonna stop yeah
I won't do it again, scout's honour
In that case, we might to a quick interview
with you alright
So if you just step over here
and just look staight into that
television camera just there
we're just going to do a quick interview
Alright?
You can relax Padraig it's okay
Well not that much
Padraig you're...
em
No, no it's...
We're joined now with the
Ballinclough Badger
and Padraig, that was an absolutely
beautiful tune you had for us at the start
Yeah, thanks, that one's dedicated to all
the w***s and b*****s in Ballinclough
EXCUSE YOU!!
Excuse you for using that language
on this television programme
I'm a professional rapper!
You're a professional eejit Padraig
Now you're to cut that out
I've had it up to here with you alright?
Yeah, right
Right, now we're going to move on to your
beautiful sister's interview alright
So Clara please join
me over here yes?
N...n...no....
Oh folks, I think she's shy
Are ye shy pet are ye?
Stop...n...no
I will not stop!
Will I come over and get ya will I?
No, ye won't
Will I come over there and get ye?
Oooh I'm coming te get ye!
Here i come to get ya!
F**K OFF!!
WHAT!!
How dare you use that appalling language
That is an absolute disgrace
Now you're to come over this instant
young lady
Right this instant right now
I don't want to talk about this,
take my hand and come on
Clara.
Now, Clara, come on
Audience: Ahhhhhh
Oh no! well, i eh...
Ah there ya go, would ya look at ye
You're as pretty as a princess
Aren't ya?
Now come over here
We're going to do a little interview
with ya Clara
Isn't she gorgeous
Look at ye, don't you look absolutely
gorgeous
I'm a princess!
Oh, you are a princess
Who's your favourite Disney princess?
My little mermaid
My little mermaid?
Yeah
I think that's wrong
but that's okay
Now look darling
I should stay on script for Vicar Street
Yeah...don't..
Clara's on ritalin.
She is
Helps her think straight
Ah....yeah
Well you look absolutely gorgeous
Doesn't she look absolutely gorgeous folks?
*Audience cheer*
Oh look at that, they think you're a stunner
Now, we're all wonderin
Where in the name of Whizz Boppers
did you get such a beautiful
little bow in your hair there now
My mammy made the bow
Your mammy made the bow?
She must be a very talented mammy
There's mammy there
Is that? That's not your mammy
Mammy wants a hug!
Yeah!
Mammy wants a hug look
There it is!
Look at that
Ah yeah
Ah, well done mammy
You're very talented
and you wouln't notice the Alopecia at all
Not a bit of it!
Now, I believe you've one more tune
in store for us do ye?
YES
That's very exciting
and what's this one about?
This one's dedicated about my trip
to Dublin
Your trip to Dublin
Alright, well I'm very excited
you take it away
Whenever you are ready
Okay?
Right so.
*Beatboxing*
Will I do the dancing?
Yeah you do the ff'ing dancing
Sorry yeah
*Beatboxing*
I had to leave Ballinclough
or I'd be dead by twelve
so I went to Dublin to the capital
but it's not rapital!
No, Dublin is s***e here's why
What?
The Spire is s***e
The LUAS is s***e
Croke Park is s***e
Molly Malone is s***e
The Viking splash is s***e
The Book of Kells is s***e
Vicar Street's alright,
only jokin it's s***e.....
Whaa oohhh!!
Oh no!
No, no, no, no, no
That's not true
Now, stop that
Now, stop that guys
Stop that its not fair
It took us so long to get here!
Why would ya say that!
Finish up!
The ghost tour was s***e
I didn't go to the Guinness Storehouse
But Clara did
And she saaaaaaaaid
iiiiiitttttttt
was?
Where'd you get the denim jacket!
Ah Clara!