[Millie humming happily]
- Howdy, Mister!
Fine mornin’!
Another day in paradise!
- Oh shit, it’s morning.
- Uh, yeah.
Have you been here all night?
And what are you doing?
- Blitz bought two hundred taxidermy owls,
then said I couldn’t go home until I burned
[Whispering] all of them.
[Knocking]
- Hey! I got an order here for a hundred more waaacky owls!
- Fuuuuuuck.
- Hey, I haven’t seen you guys in a while, heh!
Do like wanna hang out some-
[Door slams]
[From behind the door] Okay! That answers that, I say, I say.
- Blitz is still sulking?
It’s been over a month.
And where is Moxxie?
He didn’t come home last night.
[Moxxie screeches]
Honey...?
You okaaay?
- I’m stuck in a math nightmare!!
[Hyperventilating]
The numbers, the numbers, I can’t make them add up!
We’re FUCKED!
- Come on, baby.
It can’t be that bad.
- He drained our pension, and used it to buy THESE!
[Horse whinnies]
- Damn.
I’ve never seen him in such bad shape.
- Bad? Bad?!
This isn’t bad!
This is just a FINANCIAL APOCALYPSE!
- I usually just give him space to work his shit out, but…
you think I should talk to him?
- We’re gonna get audited, we’re gonna be evicted, we’re going BANKRUPT!
Our lives are over Millie, all my hard work gone in a flash!
Ohhh I should’ve been a theater critic, I have objectively correct opinions.
[Continued mumbling] We- we’re gonna default.
BLITZØ: Loona, I need my piss bucket NOW. MOXXIE: [Muffled] We're gonna default.
BLITZØ: Loona, I need my piss bucket NOW. MOXXIE: And you know what,
BLITZØ: Loona, I need my piss bucket NOW. MOXXIE: it's not my fault that we're gonna default.
MOXXIE: [Muffled] IT’S HIS FAULT!
BETHANY: Oh, ooh, okay. I am getting a real sexy energy from this room!
Oh, there is definitely a fuckable spirit here.
- Yeah get that spooky ghoul cock, bitch.
MILLIE: Blitz?
- Go away!
MILLIE: I’m comin’ in.
- Read the chains!
- Blitz, what are you doing?
You’ve been in here watching this earth trash forever.
- I’M COPING!
- Yeaaah well...
You’ve "coped" away every dollar we had.
- Those plates are collectables, Millie. I’m gonna sell 'em next year
for three times as much and then I’ll have something to show for it
when the things I care about vanish.
- Mmmkay.
You know,
my mama always said, the best way to deal with being sad-
is the sweat and blood of hard work.
Washes the tears right off.
I don’t need any of your "folksy-doksy" fucking country wisdom, Millie.
I need to watch the Ghost Fuckers get dicked down by a disembodied spirit
and eat my feelings til I die from a heart attack or diabetes,
whichever pops my heart open first.
- I don’t get it, Blitz.
All this over a breakup?
- IT WAS NOT A BREAKUP!
You need a relationship for one of those and we never had that.
And we never will.
- Ohhh, Blitz.
[Phone ringing]
- What?!
- We have a client.
BLITZØ: Tell them to FUCK OFF!
- Don’t!
I’ll be right there.
RITA: You know, my psychic told me I’d be going somewhere bad on Wednesday.
I just thought she meant Baltimore, I didn’t think it was
HELL!
- Mhm, mhm, interesting.
Oh look! Someone whose job it is to listen to you.
- What’s going on?
- Okayyy! From the top.
I went for my usual tarot reading last week, and-
- No, no. Fast forward to who killed you.
- Ohhh, m'okay.
Yesterday I was killed by the evil ghost haunting a spooky hotel.
- Um.
Ma’am.
I don’t know how to tell you this but-
when humans die they either end up here…
or up there.
- Ohhhh, okay.
I don’t understand.
- She’s saying ghosts aren’t real, lady! -
- She’s saying ghosts aren’t real, lady! [Quickly approaching footsteps]
- Ghost!? I heard ghost.
Where’s the ghost I can fuck- er, hunt?
- Blitz, calm down!
Someone killed this lady but it wasn’t-
- Millie!
Let me have this.
- But-
[Deep breath and sigh]
- Alright so tell me what it looked like, starting with its hotness and tightness.
How many- how many abs would you say you witnessed?
- Well.
At least he’s out of his office!
- I don’t know if this is a good idea.
- He’ll be fine.
We’ll check the place out, see what passes on Earth for creepy,
and Blitz will get all this out of his system.
You just need to keep an eye on Moxxie, he’s a little-
- BANKRUPTCY, BANKRUPTCY, BANKRUPTCY!
- Upsetti.
- I don’t take orders from you, grandma.
- Look,
I can’t keep both of them out of trouble at the same time.
I need your help.
Please?
- Get in loser,
we’re going ghost fuckin’!
- Ugh. Fine. I’ll watch the nerd.
But you’re the one cleaning off the van.
- Thanks.
Loona.
- Don’t get used to it!
[Magical whoosh]
- Let’s gape this hole wide open!
[Tires screeching]
[Crash]
BLITZØ: We’re here.
Huh, interesting.
Aren’t we supposed to be at a haunted hotel?
[Spooky music]
Oh-ho, yeah, this place is gonna be ripe with fuckable spirits.
I gotta get a reading.
- Blitz, look.
I know this is fun and all but, come back to reality.
You do know ghosts aren’t real, right?
- But they are.
- Oh my fucking Satan.
What is that?
- You like it?
It’s Bethany Ghost-Fucker’s ghost sucker: nine thousand.
Sure to get you a ghost after a ghost gets you…
off.
Only set me back a couple thousand!
- A couple what?!
You haven’t paid me in a month.
- Uh oh! Looks like it sucked all the fun outta you.
Now hurry up and put this on, those ghosts aren’t gonna fuck themselves.
[Deep breath]
- He needs this. He needs this.
He needs this.
[Lightning strike and spooky music]
- Welcome to the One Star Wonder,
where it’s a wonder we still have that star.
How may I help you today?
- [Valley accent] We’re filming a very special episode of my hit show
and we’re gonna need access to every room in this dump.
- Christ, you Hollywood assholes are pushy little pricks.
I can’t just give you keys to every ba-
Well snap me in half!
You're Bethany Ghost-Fucker from that one show…
- It’s called Ghost Fuckers, idiot.
- No, but you’re getting close.
Anyway, I am glad to see you folks.
We’ve been having more
disturbances than usual lately.
- What kind? Se- sexy disturbances?
- The kind that are killing my guests.
[Spooky screams]
- Well there definitely ain’t no such thing as ghosts.
But we’ll get to the bottom of what’s killing your guests.
- [Valley accent] Uh yeah, except ghosts are real, camera man.
- They’re a conspiracy, Bethany.
- [Valley accent] Uh, then what do I plan on fucking tonight, camera man?
Ah! Where’s my lube?
- Look, real or not, this shit needs to stop.
- [Valley accent] Uh, then we’ll need those keys, cocksucker.
[Valley accent] Every last one of them, keys and condoms, hand 'em over.
Oh, I just can’t tell you how glad I’ll be to be rid of them.
Just do me a flavor and clean up any fluids left behind.
They already killed my last cleaning lady, now I’m stuck with this.
[Labored breathing]
- [Millie and Blitzø in unison] Eugh.
- Buh- buh-
bitch- bitch!
- Poor thing can’t even blink.
- [Valley accent] No promises! Heh.
Come along Mil-
…ton.
- Blitz, we have a job to do. -
- Blitz, we have a job to do. [Phone ringing]
Someone killed that lady and it wasn’t no phantom,
so we should be tracking-
- Woah! Mils, just ‘cause you’re a hick
does not mean you can drop that f-bomb all willy nilly.
They hate that word.
- I- what?
What "F"?
- Sh-shh- sh, shut your bigot mouth, I’m gettin' a reading.
- Hold on, there might be someone in there!
- Yeah you bet your ass there’s someone in there!
A ghost, about to get a mouthful of si... si...
I don’t know, SOMETHING SEXUAL!
LOOK ALIVE YOU UNDEAD COCK SLEEVE!
[Couple shrieks]
[Valley accent] Prepare to get sucked off to the astral plane-
BITCH!
- Oh my, Delores!
- Dammit, Blitz, they aren’t ghosts!
These are just shriveled humans!
No offense.
- Think you’re pretty slick, huh?
You looking for a fight?
I’ll give you a fight!
- [Sighs] Let’s leave these two- oof!
- I fuckin' beat the Nazis,
and I’ll beat you too, bitch!
- Look out Millie, he’s a patriot!
- Get him Harold!
DOLORES: Get back here you red, little shit!
Get back here! AHHHHH!
[Funky music]
How dare you hurt my Hermie, I mean Humie I mean…
fuck!
♪ I’ve got longing and desire, ♪ DOLORES: Why am I chasing you again,
♪ My heart burns with forbidden fire ♪ DOLORES: I don’t know, but I’m fucking angry!
♪ for a spooky, ♪
♪ a spooky kind of looove. ♪
♪ Ooh la la ooh ♪ -
♪ Ooh la la ooh ♪ ♪ Nobody tries to understand it, ♪
♪ But I can feel my soul demand it, ♪
♪ a spooky, ♪
♪ a spooky kind of looove. ♪
♪ And I don’t care, ♪
♪ what they say about me. ♪
♪ I don't care, ♪
♪ I just gotta be free. ♪
♪ To run, run, run, run, run. ♪
♪ Free to run, run, run, run, run. ♪
♪ Free to run, run, run, run into the arms of ♪
♪ a spooky, ♪
♪ a spooky kind of looove. ♪
♪ A spooky kind of love. ♪
♪ A spooky kind of looove. ♪♪
BLITZØ: Wow, nice one, Mils.
I think I found the problem though!
The readings were coming from above us, so let’s get up there and-
oh, ass!
- Enough!
- What?
- I’m done.
I don’t wanna play ghost hunter with you, and I-
- Uh, It’s ghost-fuckers.
- I wasn’t done!
You know, I always love to have fun with you,
and I ain’t said boo to you moping around like a sad sack for weeks.
But we have bills to pay.
So look,
you can go be pathetic and play sex ghosts, if that’s what you need to do,
but I gotta get this job done.
- Fine!
Who needs you anyway!?
[Valley accent] Bethany Ghost-Fucker works ALONE!
Yeah, who needs you anyway?
Fucking ghost denying piece of shi-IIIT!
What the fuck is this?
[Eerie music]
Ugh, uh, ahh!
Oh shit.
Shit, shit shit shit.
Satan, Satan, Satan. Oh, FUCK!
Millie?!
[Gasping]
Millie?! Millie I need help!
I can’t hold on, Millie!!
[Gasping]
Oh, oh fuck me, the hell is that?
Wo-AAH!
[Blitzø screaming]
Millie!
Did you not hear me calling for help?
M-M-Mils!
- [Distorted] You ALWAYS need help, Blitz!
Always needing to take from those around you,
and leaving them worse and more broken than you found them.
You think you can change?
You’ll never stop fucking people’s lives up.
When was the last time you actually loved someone without hurting them?
[Blitzø hyperventilating]
BLITZØ: MOM!
Momma-
I was having the worst dream.
[Blitzø sobbing]
- [Distorted] This isn’t a dream,
this is your life.
And it always will be.
NO! NO, NO, NO MOM I’M SORRY!
MOM PLEASE I’M SORRY!
- Blitz?
BLITZ! [Blitzø crying]
Are you okay?!
What happened?
- No, no, don’t touch me!
I destroy everything, everyo- I-
I make everyone’s lives worse.
- Not mine!
Blitz…
Remember how we met?
- What?
[Pool balls clacking]
[Guitar strums]
- Soooo.
You the bitch that took our hit?
- You lookin’ for payback?
If so, you came to the wrong fucking BAR!
[Millie grunting]
- Wo-hoh!
Ni-ice shot!
I can see why Moxxie was so impressed with you.
[Millie growls]
[Millie grunting]
Hup- oh!
Impressive!
- Who’s that?
Your boss? Hah!
- Ow!
HA he fucking wishes.
No, I work for myself, lady.
Nice one!
- Bullshit!
Who sent you?
Who are you working for?!
- What? You don’t believe me?
- Imps don’t work for themselves, asshole.
- Well this one does,
and he’s very interested in having you join his team.
[Millie grunts]
- You think you have anything to offer me?
Double whatever you’re getting paid now!
Ha ha!
- I’m between jobs.
HAH!
[Blitzø grunts]
- Huh.
This powerhouse? How’d that happen?
- Not exactly a shortage of imp assassins in Wrath.
Reputation is everything.
- And what’s your reputation, hmm?
[Millie grunts]
- Who the fuck are you?
- Someone with an eye for potential.
Now you wanna keep working for peanuts,
or do you want to shake things up?
- You’re fucking weird. I’m in.
So who’s that Moxxie guy you mentioned?
- Oh, your new coworker.
Yeah, you- you’ll fucking hate him.
MILLIE: That year I spent getting to know your rag tag team
and making our mark in the assassin game-
it was fun.
- Welcome to I.M.P.
[Millie gasps]
- Holy shit!
- Sir, what is this?
- This baby right here is our future, ‘kay?
So I figured we deserve an upgrade, right?
New office, new clients, new ring.
Go on, check it out!
What, not nice enough for you?
I did the fucking best I could.
- We… heh.
We don’t deserve this.
- Huh?
- We’re just Wrathians, Blitz.
Muscle.
It’s all we’re good for, all I’m good for.
It’s why you hired me.
Any demon good at making a buck is welcome in Lust or Greed, but here?
Demons like us ain’t cut out for this.
- Ummm, fuck you.
- What?
- Millie, I have spent too much of my time, energy, and holes
into setting this up for us to entertain your bullshit.
I brought you into this company for a reason, okay?
You’re tougher, smarter,
and frankly more capable than anyone I’ve ever met in any ring.
And I’m more fuckable and business savvy than any succu-bitch alive,
Loonie’s perfect, and Moxxie’s…
probably got some good traits too and I’m sure we’ll figure them out eventually.
The point is,
if we can’t make it here then-
then no one deserves to, right?
'Kay, so stop killing my buzz, and come on, I wanna show you my office!
MILLIE: Most of my life I bought into the idea
that all I could ever be was a simple farm girl.
Or best an underpaid goon.
Until I met some knuckle head who never gave a fuck
about what anyone else said he could or couldn’t be.
He made me believe he could be anything.
And that made me feel like I could be anything, too.
He gave me so much...
A career, a husband, a future.
And now...
He’s my best friend.
- You…
you don’t hate me?
- Naw, never.
Look.
What I said earlier,
you’ve just always been so unbothered by everything.
Almost bulletproof and,
I guess I never realized how much I depended on that.
I didn’t know how to react to you being reduced to…
Bethany.
But I should’ve respected you like you always do for me.
I’m sorry.
- Better?
- Much.
- Good.
- Now-
you ready to finish this thing?
- Yeah!
But we still don’t even know what this thing is!
- Come on, Blitz.
What’s the only thing you know that comes to Earth
and fucks with people’s minds that badly.
- I don’t know, it’s something that like an infestor demon would do-
ohhh.
- Bingo!
SPOOKY VOICE: So-ho. Figured it out, have you?
A bit out of your depth,
aren’t you little ones?
[Creepy laughter]
- Damn our tiny fucking legs!
ROLANDO: You know my secret,
I guess you gotta die like all the reeest!
[Blitzø grunts and coughs]
Oh, this is fun!
[Rolando laughs]
- Atta girl, Mils!
- No thatta, bitch!
[Maniacal laughter]
You call yourselves assassins!
Eenie,
meenie,
miny…
mo.
Welcome to the show, asshole.
I hear this one’s a real titillator.
- Blitz!
- Looks like someone’s trying to ruin our good time.
That was a nice heart to heart y'all had earlier.
Be a shame if you went and ruined it
like you always do.
[Ronaldo cackling]
- Are you oka-
AHH!
- Oh the filthy little Wrathian wants to help!
You can’t help anyone, you’re just the muscle remember?
It’s all you and your imp kind are good for,
you said it yourself.
I’m in his mind, bitch, I see everything.
Every thought, every opinion, and boy-
does he have some nasty shit to say about you.
[Maniacal laughter]
- No, STOP!
- Your level of insecurity is intoxicating.
I can’t wait to see how you taste
when you drive away the one person left
who puts up with your bullshit.
He thinks you’re a brute!
Too stupid to do anything but kill!
You never should’ve left the farm!
You’re nothing but a backwards,
filthy,
inbred,
lowborn,
fucking hick!
[Millie chuckles]
- Ya done?
- Excuse me?
Nobody cares about you or what you want,
they’re too caught up in their own misery
to even remember you exist.
- Now look here, combover.
You may think you know everything,
but you missed two.
One: your words don’t mean shit to me,
and two:
Blitz can handle this!
So buckle up, buttercup!
- Ugh, good work Mils.
Oh-ho!
Ah FUCK, IT’S ME!
- Oh! Shit, sorry!
[Millie chuckles]
Good to have you back, boss.
- You little ass plugs are done for.
You’re dead, Bethany!
- Well that’s where you’re wrong.
I ain’t Bethany Ghost-Fucker.
Tonight I’m Blitz DEMON-DICKER!
[Electricy crackling]
[Rolando screaming]
[Screaming turns distorted]
And THAT’S how you get GHOST-FUCKED!!
- Let’s go home.
- Yeah, fuck hotels.
- So I’m your best friend, huh?
- What do you think?
- I think…
I- I’ve never had a real friend that I didn’t wanna fuck.
- That mean you’re not gonna try to be our third anymore?
- No.
Not anymore.
- The bird got to you that bad, huh?
- I guess.
- Sooo, you gonna keep stalking us all the time?
- Well you know, your husband is still a little fuckable.
- Yeah, he is.
I hope he’s doing okay.
- I did it?
I did it!
I finally figured it out!
- You uh...
You forgot to carry the two there.
TV NARRATOR: Now back to Ghost Fuckers,
The Musicaaaal!
[Moxxie gasps]
[Piano]
MAN: Bethany!
This is it!
Let the spirits fill you!
BETHANY: Oh my god, I’m gonna do it!
I’m gonna fuck a ghost.
♪ My spirit box is humming hot! ♪
♪ Drippin' down my thigh. ♪
♪ The portal gapes, my body aches! ♪
♪ C’mon ghost, give me a try! ♪
♪ I’m ready! ♪
♪ I wanna fuck a ghost! ♪
MAN: Bethany, the spectrometer’s going crazy!
This ghost has huge dead dick energy!
BETHANY: Hot!
♪ You can take me from beyond! ♪
♪ Lemme taste your ectoplasm. ♪
♪ I want the dick that no one gets! ♪
♪ Make me polter-gasm. ♪
♪ I’m ready! ♪
♪ I wanna fuck a ghost! ♪
ENSEMBLE: ♪ She’s ready! ♪
♪ She wants to fuck a ghost. ♪
BETHANY: ♪ ‘Cause we’re ghost fuckers! ♪
♪ We love fuckin ghosts! ♪
♪ Yeah, we’re ghost fuckers ♪
♪ They’re really dead, ♪
♪ and we’re really horny! ♪
♪ No silly laws of god or man, ♪
♪ can keep us from our sexy plan! ♪
♪ To up slicking a spectral slut, ♪
♪ we can’t wait to ghost-bust a nut! ♪
♪ I’m ready! ♪
♪ I wanna fuck a ghost! ♪
♪ Yeah I do, I’m ready! ♪
♪ I wanna fuck a- ♪
♪ Yeah, I wanna fuck a- ♪
♪ I wanna fuck a- ♪
♪ Yeah, I wanna fuck a- ♪
♪ Oh I wanna fuck a- ♪
♪ [Sexually] Yeah! I wanna fuck a- ♪
Oh god! Oh my god that was way too cold, I totally regret it.
But hot.
ENSEMBLE: ♪ Oh yeah, she fucked a ghost. ♪♪