This episode of
It's the End of the World as We Know it
and I Feel Fine
was made possible by contributions
from slaves like you.
Spank you very much.
"Which brings us once again
to the urgent realization
of just how much there is
still left to own.
Item 6 on the agenda:
The meaning of life."
Gooooooooood morning slaves
and welcome to another sedition of
It's the End of the World as we Know it
and I Feel Fine, where the long journey
to a brighter tomorrow
begins with a single step.
"In the past few weeks, uh...
five high profile bankers have died
all from apparent suicides."
"Another one!"
"Hmm?"
"Another one just went past. Downwards."
"Must be a board meeting."
I am your host, the Stimulator
and it seems like just about
every other week I get a message
that goes something like this:
"Yo Stim!
Big fan of the show.
I just have one question...
when are you going to do a sedition
on anarcho-capitalism?
Have you ever read Murray Rothbard?
True anarchy is synonymous
with free markets."
For the most part, I don't
respond to these types of questions.
So... for all those of you
who have asked me over the years,
the answer is
Ahem:
Fuck anarcho-capitalism!
Seriously… at best, the attempt to
marry anarchism and capitalism
is a nonsensical contradiction.
And at worst,
it's the political equivalent of
what would happen if
Ayn Rand and Mussolini
spawned a fedora-toting,
Austrian love-child,
who happened to be born with a disease
that meant it couldn't go outside
and so was forced to live its entire life
confined to the bowels of
online Reddit forums.
Now… to be clear,
as an anarchist
I'm all for smashing the state.
but there's nothing particularly
revolutionary or liberatory
about smashing the state
if it just means handing more power
over to corporations.
If anything,
it only makes shit way fucking worse.
And if you don't believe me…
just ask the people of Flint, Michigan.
"We started to lose our hair,
all five of us.
And we started developing rashes
on our arms and our face."
Back in March of 2011,
Michigan's an-cap Governor, Rick Snyder
"I'm an accountant."
signed a bill which allowed for
the special appointment of so-called
“emergency financial managers”
which are essentially just a cabal
of corporate technocrats
who are granted the supreme authority
to override decisions
made by local governments,
all in the name of market efficiency.
"Get in there. Get the job done.
Get out."
In 2014,
in an effort to pinch some pennies,
Flint's Emergency Manager
Darnell Earley,
switched the source
of the city's drinking water
to the heavily polluted Flint River,
which is chock full of a delicious,
thirst-quenching,
industrial chemical solvent,
called trihalomethane.
This toxic fucking slurry immediately
began corroding the city's pipes,
causing a "trickle-down" effect of sorts
- with shit tons of lead
leaching into the water supply
and ultimately exposing the city's
100,000 residents
to severe fucking lead poisoning.
"I think in retrospect... uhh
if we all had, uhh, you know,
20/20 hindsight,
we'd do a lot of things different."
"I'm an accountant."
"I love you cuz you kill people."
And now, impoverished Flint residents
who can’t afford to pay
for their poison fucking water
are getting their pipes shutoff altogether
"Stop the water shutoff!
Water is a human right!"
just like their neighbours
in the cash-strapped city of Detroit
where thousands of peeps
have had their drinking water cut off
in strict accordance with
the libertarian logic
of the free fucking market.
Or maybe you can ask
peeps living in California's
San Fernando Valley,
who for months now
have been dealing with
a giant fucking natural gas leak...
"Hey Stim!
I've got a natural gas leak for ya!
Jesus Fucking Christ, that's rank.
You're a sick fuck Agitator.
Anyway, as I was saying…
residents of the Porter Ranch community
north of Los Angeles,
are currently facing the United Snakes'
biggest environmental disaster since 2010,
when the BP's Deepwater Horizon oil rig
blew the fuck up in the Gulf of Mexico.
For months now,
a steady stream of methane
has been spewing out the Aliso Canyon
underground natural gas storage facility,
causing a slew of health problems
for local residents.
"And I have terrible headaches,
my daughter experiences stomach pain,
my son's got nosebleeds.
It's just really bad."
forcing the evacuation of thousands
of peeps from the surrounding community,
and leading the state governor to declare
a motherfuckin state of emergency.
To make matters even worse...
methane is about 86 times more powerful
than C02, in terms of its
greenhouse gas effect,
meaning that this fuck-up is making
a gigantic contribution to the
runaway climate change already
fueling a historically unprecedented
regional drought.
At its highest level,
this leak accounts for a whopping 25%
of California’s total emissions
– roughly equivalent to the effects of
driving 4.5 million fucking cars,
every single motherfuckin day.
This epic clusterfuck
has been compounded by the fact that
Southern California Gas,
the company which owns the site,
inexplicably removed the facility's
emergency shut-off valve
and never replaced it.
No doubt because doing so
would have cost them money
that they didn't want to spend.
And since the leak is 8,000 feet
underground, and extremely hard to get,
its expected to take several months to fix
meaning that there's nothing that peeps
can do but wait for the free market
to do its magic.
Fuck anarcho-capitalism.
So yeah....
I hope that answers your question.
Now stop bugging me about it.
♫♫ "These them droppers
who don't hold heat.
Gangstas who don't stroll streets.
Next level criminality
keeping shit low key.
Not like Bobby Shmurda's dumb ass
but they do the Shmony tho.
I mean they show money
then the police dance on our bones.
It's time to overthrow
cuz these banksters don't play
plus made the rules up in this shady game.
Gangbanging for major pay
they pushin their laws like narcotics.
Brown and Black males in them prisons
box up they products
while how Nike be bankin
of the prison complex.
Even Michael Jordan a gangsta
- he also bank off the process.
Ooo... so fuck your idol.
Your idol about that greed...
plus them Nikes don't fit
my place, so dues
That's why I sold my freeze.
What about our babies?
They get employed overseas.
And our women?
Y'all know what happens
to our women overseas.
Prostitution rings,
cuz poverty's to blame.
Exploitation at its highest
always made in the USA
by these gangstas
and these pimps
The trill us to trap us
y'all know what is is." ♫♫
For weeks now,
high-priced financial analysts,
hedge fund managers, and wall street execs
have been shitting their
ten thousand dollar designer suits
as a convergence of warning signs
indicate that a clusterfuck
of epic proportions is about to hit the
global motherfuckin economy.
"Mr Plouffe, have you seen the latest
stock price?
It's hitting an all-time low of $18,
and it's still dropping.
Almost 400 billion dollars of wealth
was lost today."
Unlike the great financial shit storm
of 2007 and 2008,
when bankers and coked-out stock brokers
were too busy groping around
in a greasy fucking orgy of CDO
and mortgage-backed derivatives trading
to see the writing on the fucking wall...
"And then that happens."
this time around,
this same assortment of capitalist scum
are completely fucking aware of
the ten story shit-nami
looming on the not-so-distant horizon
but have no fucking way to stop it.
While millions of peeps were
glued to their screens this month
cycling through photos of J-Beebs'
fucked up new hairdo
and reading an endless supply of clickbait
articles about the new Star Wars flick,
several top bankers were sounding the horn
alerting their fellow rats
that the time has come to abandon ship.
"Shit!"
Cheering
"Hey that was Wilkens of finance."
"No that was Robertson."
On January 8th a leading economist
from the Royal Bank of Scotland
published a memo, urging investors
to, quote, “Sell everything!”
"How can the price be going down?!"
"Something's wrong!"
and warning that 2016 is going to be a
quote, “cataclysmic year” that could see
up to one fifth of the total
global stock market wiped the fuck out.
"What you're telling me is that
the music is about to stop,
and we're going to be left holding
the biggest bag of odorous excrement
ever assembled in the history of....
capitalism?"
This gloomy prediction has been
more or less echoed by economists
at several behemoth fucking banks,
including Morgan Stanley, Barclays,
Bank of America Merrill fucking Lynch,
Deutsche Bank, and JP Morgan.
This time around
the epicenter of the crisis is China,
the very engine of global economic growth
that has been propping up
the entire international economy
since the 2008 meltdown.
For years now,
gangsta capitalists have been pouring
billions of dollars into
a giant fucking construction boom in China
building sprawling ghost towns
that nobody fucking lives in.
Agitator: "Except for maybe...
these chickens."
This insane fucking building bonanza
has used up a huge percentage
of the world's total output of oil,
concrete, coal, steel and other metals….
and now that the party's wrapping up,
the prices of these commodities are
in total fucking free-fall,
with some analysts predicting
that the price of oil could drop down to
as low as $10 a motherfuckin barrel.
"Bring it down more, fuck!"
This is yet more good news for
opponents of the Motherfuckin' Tar Sands,
since the energy and extractive
corporations most heavily invested
in mining and refining this toxic sludge
are going to take a serious fucking hit.
Who knows… some of them might go bankrupt
and have to shut down!
"What do you mean you fuckin got laid off?
"The fuckin price of oil... or some shit."
But while this looming economic collapse
may seem like great news
to peeps eagerly awaiting
the violent death of capitalism, and
the chance to piss on its fucking grave,
the unfortunate reality is that
it will be mostly poor peeps
who get fucked in the end.
Further economic turmoil risks
increasing the nationalist backlash
that is already reaching a fever pitch
in the West
and will no doubt make life
even more desperate
for peeps in the Global South,
who are already suffering the brunt
of global inequality and
runaway climate change.
After the 2008 crisis,
rich fucking bankers got bailed out
on the public dime
while millions of poor peeps
found themselves homeless,
and millions more lost their jobs.
Politicians around the world
followed up this economic shock therapy
by gutting pensions,
privatizing public services and industries
and pushing through painful cuts
to public spending.
If we want to avoid having
the same thing happen
next time around, peeps will
have to be ready to seriously throw down.
Voting for Bernie's just not gonna cut it.
"Raaar!" "Oh.... jesus!"
A recent report published by Oxfam
pointed out that
the 62 richest motherfuckers on earth
now possess the same amount of wealth
as the bottom 50 percent
of the world's population.
Now I'm no economist…
"Just tell me the truth!"
but it seems like the most sensible
and financially prudent thing to do
would be to round up these 62 posh,
caviar-sucking parasites,
put them all onto a cruise ship,
tell them they’re going to a luxury resort
in the Maldives,
steer that cruise ship into
the middle of the Arctic fucking ocean,
sink it,
and start divvying up their shit.
This might not fix everything…
but it’d be a good start.
And that about does it for this sedition
of It’s the End of the World as we Know it
and I Feel Fine.
Many of you found this fuckin show
through the corporate spy website
known as FedBook.
Since we don’t own this infrastructure,
we’re quite sure that at any moment
they could yank our pages
and you muthafuckas wouldn’t know
when we put out a new sedition.
One way to get this
filthy fuckin show
without Zuckerberg’s interference
is to subscribe to our podcast.
But if that’s not your thing,
you can always sign up
to our twice-a-month guacomail newsletter.
This month we will raffle one of
our bad ass subMedia t-shirts to a lucky
person who subscribes to guacomail.
To do so, just visit my fuckin website:
With that said,
I want to thank the peeps who donated
despite living
in these shitty economic times.
So... much gratitude to Jonathan, Kyle,
Cristian, Bruno, Steven, Miguel, Shannon,
Francois, John, Benjamin, Jennifer,
Yania, Claire, Samuel, Veronica,
Darren, Justin, Guillaume, Robin, Ranko,
Hassan, Hansen, Deda, Raul, Max, Baraton,
Karlis and Blade.
Tostilocos!
I also would like to welcome
the newest member of the taconspiracy -
Nada.
Stay tuned next time for another
riotus roundup of the news
from the global muthafuckin resistance.
Hasta la pasta compañeros!
♫♫ "Tryin to kill us and trap us,
they handlin they biz.
They the real gangstas,
they the real pimps,
they trill us to trap us,
y'all know what it is.
Tryin to kill us and trap us,
they handling they biz." ♫♫