WEBVTT

00:00:16.489 --> 00:00:21.920
I am a person in long-term recovery
from a substance-use disorder.

00:00:22.430 --> 00:00:24.511
(Applause)

00:00:24.921 --> 00:00:28.201
And what that means
is I haven't smoked crack,

00:00:28.225 --> 00:00:33.544
snorted a line of cocaine, or touched
a sip of alcohol in over 19 years.

00:00:33.568 --> 00:00:37.765
(Applause)

00:00:39.201 --> 00:00:41.265
I had my first beer at 11.

00:00:41.741 --> 00:00:43.733
One of my cousins gave it to me.

00:00:44.395 --> 00:00:47.731
I had my first line of coke at 15.

00:00:47.755 --> 00:00:49.959
I had just gotten out of a psych ward

00:00:49.983 --> 00:00:51.419
for being suicidal.

00:00:52.879 --> 00:00:56.950
From 15 to 24, I drank
and used my way through life,

00:00:56.974 --> 00:00:59.232
and eventually ended up in Boston.

00:01:00.655 --> 00:01:04.296
At that point, my addiction
had gotten so bad

00:01:04.320 --> 00:01:07.342
that I was paranoid,
and afraid of everything.

00:01:08.389 --> 00:01:10.781
I found myself locked in my apartment,

00:01:10.805 --> 00:01:13.787
and there in the dark,
huddled on the bathroom floor,

00:01:13.811 --> 00:01:17.002
I had been using cocaine
for almost 24 hours straight.

00:01:18.042 --> 00:01:19.899
My heart was pounding,

00:01:19.923 --> 00:01:22.651
and it felt like it was going
to explode in my chest.

00:01:23.656 --> 00:01:26.207
I knew that's how I was going to die.

00:01:27.904 --> 00:01:30.925
And when the sun rose
on Boston that morning,

00:01:30.949 --> 00:01:32.562
do you know what I thought of?

00:01:33.627 --> 00:01:35.307
I thought of my mom.

00:01:36.126 --> 00:01:38.432
I thought, "Somebody
is going to have to tell her

00:01:38.456 --> 00:01:41.614
that her son died on a bathroom floor
from a cocaine overdose."

00:01:42.013 --> 00:01:43.812
And that's the last night I used.

00:01:45.783 --> 00:01:49.784
No one ever dreams they're going
to grow up to be an addict.

00:01:52.728 --> 00:01:54.509
I found my way into a boxing gym,

00:01:55.263 --> 00:01:58.013
and something about
getting in the ring for the first time

00:01:58.037 --> 00:01:59.892
helped chip away at my addiction.

00:02:00.468 --> 00:02:03.449
Eventually, I saw a brochure
for ice climbing.

00:02:04.166 --> 00:02:07.781
And on the cover was this guy
on a steep ice climb,

00:02:07.805 --> 00:02:10.469
and I thought, "I want to try that."

00:02:12.390 --> 00:02:16.079
I signed up for a class,
and I didn't know it at the time,

00:02:16.103 --> 00:02:18.354
but I had begun my path of recovery.

00:02:19.441 --> 00:02:22.544
See, there's something
special that happens

00:02:22.568 --> 00:02:25.978
when you tie into a climbing rope
for the first time in the winter.

00:02:26.827 --> 00:02:29.970
You look up at the glacier
or the climb ahead of you,

00:02:29.994 --> 00:02:32.097
and everything else seems to melt away.

00:02:32.534 --> 00:02:35.072
All the problems, all your worries,

00:02:35.096 --> 00:02:38.105
all the shame and self-loathing
from your addiction

00:02:38.129 --> 00:02:39.760
that so many addicts feel -

00:02:40.470 --> 00:02:43.351
it all drifts away and you're left
just in that moment.

00:02:44.176 --> 00:02:47.633
All you hear is the crunch of the snow
under your crampons;

00:02:48.241 --> 00:02:51.991
the sound your ice ax makes
when it cracks into the deep blue ice;

00:02:52.577 --> 00:02:55.572
the sound of your breathing
as it drifts away

00:02:55.596 --> 00:02:58.284
and is muted by the soft falling snow.

00:02:59.881 --> 00:03:03.092
In that moment, in that place,

00:03:03.116 --> 00:03:05.168
I caught a glimpse of the possibility

00:03:05.192 --> 00:03:06.941
of who I could be:

00:03:06.965 --> 00:03:08.925
courageous and confident.

00:03:10.737 --> 00:03:15.215
Climbing would evolve into racing
mountain bikes, doing triathlons,

00:03:15.239 --> 00:03:17.004
eventually racing Ironman.

00:03:17.346 --> 00:03:19.935
And every time I stood
on top of a mountain

00:03:19.959 --> 00:03:21.726
or crossed a finish line,

00:03:21.750 --> 00:03:26.033
I was a little bit more a climber
and a little bit less an addict.

00:03:28.577 --> 00:03:31.418
I was fortunate; I found hope
on a mountaintop.

00:03:33.128 --> 00:03:36.146
And from that hope,
I began to heal from my addiction.

00:03:37.212 --> 00:03:39.917
But for so many people
that are still in their addiction,

00:03:39.941 --> 00:03:41.599
it can feel pretty hopeless.

00:03:42.636 --> 00:03:47.562
An estimated 23 million Americans
struggle with a substance-use disorder,

00:03:47.586 --> 00:03:51.593
and the average American
is more likely to die from an overdose

00:03:51.617 --> 00:03:53.748
than a motor vehicle accident,

00:03:53.772 --> 00:03:55.113
a mass shooting,

00:03:55.137 --> 00:03:56.422
and a terrorist attack,

00:03:56.446 --> 00:03:57.652
combined.

00:03:59.069 --> 00:04:02.393
So many of us get a loved one
plugged into formal treatment

00:04:02.417 --> 00:04:05.011
and we think, "Now
they're going to be fixed,"

00:04:05.757 --> 00:04:08.205
only to find out that 40 to 60 percent

00:04:08.229 --> 00:04:10.206
of people coming out of formal treatment

00:04:10.230 --> 00:04:12.006
will relapse within the first year.

00:04:13.218 --> 00:04:14.521
Why is that?

00:04:15.878 --> 00:04:18.976
I think we can't talk about
healing from addiction

00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:21.980
unless we also talk about
healing from trauma.

00:04:22.949 --> 00:04:25.401
I'm not just talking about
the big traumas -

00:04:25.425 --> 00:04:29.528
growing up in a war-torn country,
physical and sexual abuse.

00:04:29.980 --> 00:04:32.218
But I'm talking about
those little traumas -

00:04:33.545 --> 00:04:36.012
what it felt like
when your parents got divorced;

00:04:37.148 --> 00:04:40.021
what it felt like
when you were bullied in school;

00:04:40.612 --> 00:04:43.926
what it felt like when you
were abandoned by that loved one.

00:04:45.042 --> 00:04:48.540
Even though these traumas
don't leave a wound that we can see,

00:04:48.564 --> 00:04:50.513
they affect how we see the world.

00:04:51.561 --> 00:04:56.125
I believe that trauma is the number one
public health crisis in our country.

00:04:56.964 --> 00:05:03.287
(Applause)

00:05:04.537 --> 00:05:07.073
Why was I compelled
to drink at 11 years old?

00:05:08.105 --> 00:05:11.510
Why was I using cocaine at 15,
and also suicidal?

00:05:12.637 --> 00:05:15.018
I think in part, it comes
from generational trauma

00:05:15.042 --> 00:05:17.358
that was passed from my father.

00:05:17.382 --> 00:05:19.592
See, his father left him
when he was young,

00:05:19.616 --> 00:05:22.358
so he carried a pain that he passed to me.

00:05:23.433 --> 00:05:26.338
My dad also struggled with mental illness,

00:05:26.362 --> 00:05:29.486
so he would yell at my siblings
and I if we lost,

00:05:29.893 --> 00:05:32.798
and he'd also yell at us
if we won the soccer game.

00:05:35.290 --> 00:05:37.431
He would publicly shame us,

00:05:37.455 --> 00:05:40.255
and I remember that always
made me feel so...

00:05:41.510 --> 00:05:42.732
...small.

00:05:44.437 --> 00:05:48.029
There's also a unique kind
of inadequacy that you feel

00:05:48.053 --> 00:05:49.801
when you see a sibling that you love

00:05:49.825 --> 00:05:50.982
being abused,

00:05:51.006 --> 00:05:52.862
and you can do nothing to stop it.

00:05:54.718 --> 00:05:58.120
I think about how that must have
imprinted on me when I was little.

00:05:59.402 --> 00:06:01.177
Yes, I was once little.

00:06:01.201 --> 00:06:02.473
(Laughter)

00:06:02.497 --> 00:06:05.608
And when we're little,
we're emotional sponges.

00:06:05.632 --> 00:06:08.350
We absorb the energy around us
from our caregivers,

00:06:08.374 --> 00:06:11.607
and if that energy
is negative or traumatic,

00:06:11.631 --> 00:06:14.524
we often internalize it
as we did something wrong;

00:06:15.371 --> 00:06:16.889
we were failures.

00:06:19.387 --> 00:06:23.846
All of those little traumas
are tiny emotional cuts,

00:06:23.870 --> 00:06:27.102
and with enough of these cuts
it can add up to a big wound.

00:06:28.451 --> 00:06:31.608
I know what you're thinking: some
of those things happened to you,

00:06:31.632 --> 00:06:32.991
and you're not an addict.

00:06:33.015 --> 00:06:35.507
Well, there's other ways
we cope with this.

00:06:35.531 --> 00:06:39.402
Many of us seek our emotional well-being
from something external.

00:06:39.974 --> 00:06:43.849
Maybe it's what we look like,
maybe it's how much money we make,

00:06:44.896 --> 00:06:48.360
maybe it's whether or not
our sports team won the Superbowl.

00:06:49.169 --> 00:06:50.412
Go Broncos!

00:06:50.436 --> 00:06:51.492
(Laughter)

00:06:51.516 --> 00:06:52.542
(Cheers)

00:06:52.566 --> 00:06:54.219
We have love addiction,

00:06:54.243 --> 00:06:55.840
we have love avoidance,

00:06:56.831 --> 00:06:58.854
we have workaholism,

00:06:58.878 --> 00:07:00.048
eating disorders,

00:07:00.072 --> 00:07:01.682
and the list goes on and on.

00:07:03.014 --> 00:07:05.094
So how do we heal from this?

00:07:06.520 --> 00:07:09.503
I know standing on top of a mountain
can be part of it;

00:07:09.527 --> 00:07:12.044
that goes directly
to the self-esteem piece.

00:07:13.055 --> 00:07:15.116
But what about the opposite of trauma?

00:07:15.584 --> 00:07:18.224
We have to learn how to build
nurturing communities

00:07:18.248 --> 00:07:19.940
for our children to grow up in.

00:07:21.178 --> 00:07:23.500
I want you to think
about that for a moment.

00:07:23.524 --> 00:07:26.926
What kind of environment would you want
your children to grow up in?

00:07:27.330 --> 00:07:28.923
I want you to make a list.

00:07:30.693 --> 00:07:32.280
Here's mine:

00:07:32.304 --> 00:07:36.320
encouraging, full of joy,
accepting, loving,

00:07:36.344 --> 00:07:39.720
a place where we are physically
and emotionally safe.

00:07:41.228 --> 00:07:44.103
With the understanding
of these two things coming together -

00:07:44.127 --> 00:07:46.550
the power of standing
on top of a mountain,

00:07:46.574 --> 00:07:48.718
and the power of a nurturing community -

00:07:48.742 --> 00:07:52.101
I thought, "How do we give this
to others that are struggling?"

00:07:53.434 --> 00:07:56.304
I thought, "How do we take
thousands of recovering addicts

00:07:56.328 --> 00:07:59.135
up a mountain in a nurturing environment?"

00:07:59.159 --> 00:08:02.322
It seems impossible. But it's not.

00:08:02.346 --> 00:08:04.154
And that's exactly what we did.

00:08:05.289 --> 00:08:08.707
With a core group of people,
I started a nonprofit,

00:08:08.731 --> 00:08:11.341
and we created a sober, active community.

00:08:12.038 --> 00:08:15.540
We've since served
18,000 people in 10 years,

00:08:15.564 --> 00:08:17.430
in five cities, in three states.

00:08:17.454 --> 00:08:19.387
(Cheers)

00:08:19.411 --> 00:08:25.428
(Applause)

00:08:26.095 --> 00:08:30.571
All of those programs are free
to anyone who's 48 hours clean and sober.

00:08:30.595 --> 00:08:33.586
They come to yoga,
hiking, biking and climbing.

00:08:33.610 --> 00:08:36.007
They find a positive coping mechanism,

00:08:36.031 --> 00:08:39.483
and they find a peer group
that supports them in their recovery.

00:08:39.507 --> 00:08:43.338
And there's a code of conduct
that frames the community.

00:08:44.314 --> 00:08:47.965
It says that anything
that isn't nurturing isn't welcome,

00:08:47.989 --> 00:08:50.401
and with those simple boundaries in place,

00:08:50.425 --> 00:08:53.168
it's had a profound effect
on people's lives.

00:08:54.728 --> 00:08:58.079
Seventy-three percent of people
had improved self-esteem.

00:08:58.914 --> 00:09:01.379
Eighty-two percent felt emotionally safe.

00:09:02.068 --> 00:09:04.935
I think the other 18
were probably on that wall.

00:09:04.959 --> 00:09:06.820
(Laughter)

00:09:09.943 --> 00:09:13.653
Sixty-five percent had improved
attitudes towards sobriety.

00:09:15.012 --> 00:09:18.179
And three-quarters of the people
that attend stayed sober.

00:09:19.241 --> 00:09:25.199
(Applause)

00:09:27.595 --> 00:09:30.175
Now I want you to imagine for a moment

00:09:30.199 --> 00:09:33.339
that I'm someone
who's 48 hours clean and sober,

00:09:34.291 --> 00:09:35.891
and I show up at this gym.

00:09:37.009 --> 00:09:38.520
I walk up to the door.

00:09:39.452 --> 00:09:40.798
I grab the door handle.

00:09:41.449 --> 00:09:42.877
It feels so heavy.

00:09:43.493 --> 00:09:46.940
It feels so heavy because
this is my first time as an adult

00:09:46.964 --> 00:09:50.849
walking into a roomful of people
without a drink or a drug in my system.

00:09:51.674 --> 00:09:55.329
On top of that, I'm about to do
my first CrossFit workout.

00:09:55.353 --> 00:09:57.221
(Laughter)

00:09:57.245 --> 00:10:00.131
So, am I even going to make it
through the warm-up?

00:10:01.025 --> 00:10:02.182
You know what?

00:10:02.206 --> 00:10:04.033
Maybe I'll just go get a drink.

00:10:04.817 --> 00:10:08.154
The guy at the front desk gives me
the waiver and the code of conduct,

00:10:08.178 --> 00:10:09.765
and I'm filling it out, thinking,

00:10:09.789 --> 00:10:11.863
"I'm just going to hand it
back to this guy,

00:10:11.887 --> 00:10:15.665
and I'm going back to that old apartment
where my friends are still using."

00:10:16.769 --> 00:10:19.969
You know, that kind of apartment
where addicts go to die.

00:10:20.704 --> 00:10:24.607
Or, "I'll just grab a handle
of vodka, and I'll numb out.

00:10:25.167 --> 00:10:27.782
I'll make the pain
and the anxiety go away."

00:10:28.790 --> 00:10:32.119
This guy at the front desk, though,
he can tell I'm a little anxious,

00:10:32.143 --> 00:10:34.341
and he starts to share his own story.

00:10:35.408 --> 00:10:38.015
This guy was a heroin addict?
How's that even possible?

00:10:38.039 --> 00:10:39.244
He's so fit.

00:10:39.737 --> 00:10:42.767
Well, he walks with me into the gym,
and in that moment,

00:10:42.791 --> 00:10:44.551
I feel accepted here.

00:10:45.163 --> 00:10:47.489
This guy and this other girl
come over to me

00:10:47.513 --> 00:10:49.535
and they help me set up my weights.

00:10:50.326 --> 00:10:54.081
They give me a white PVC pipe
and they start to warm me up.

00:10:54.105 --> 00:10:56.165
They're teaching me the clean and jerk.

00:10:57.032 --> 00:10:59.038
I learned this lift when I was in prison,

00:10:59.062 --> 00:11:00.934
but never with technique or form.

00:11:01.905 --> 00:11:06.541
"Strong back," they say, "stand it up,
triple extension, high pull."

00:11:07.116 --> 00:11:09.057
Now we go back over to the weights.

00:11:09.566 --> 00:11:11.653
The room is full of people.

00:11:11.677 --> 00:11:13.281
We line up at our barbells,

00:11:13.305 --> 00:11:16.529
and the clock starts to count down
to start the workout.

00:11:16.968 --> 00:11:20.476
Five, four, three, two...

00:11:21.309 --> 00:11:22.863
I look around the gym.

00:11:23.357 --> 00:11:25.673
Everyone in here is in recovery.

00:11:26.333 --> 00:11:28.576
I can feel that they believe in me -

00:11:29.195 --> 00:11:31.346
me: a junky, a drunk.

00:11:31.894 --> 00:11:34.136
As a matter of fact,
they believe in me so much

00:11:34.160 --> 00:11:37.068
that in that moment,
I start to believe in myself.

00:11:37.986 --> 00:11:40.716
The clock clicks over
to start the workout.

00:11:40.740 --> 00:11:42.912
I reach down to grab my barbell,

00:11:42.936 --> 00:11:45.121
a seemingly unmovable weight.

00:11:45.623 --> 00:11:47.313
But I grab it, and I pull,

00:11:47.337 --> 00:11:50.073
I pull with all the technique,
strength, and courage

00:11:50.097 --> 00:11:52.482
that I draw from the people around me.

00:11:52.506 --> 00:11:55.785
And for a moment, it becomes weightless

00:11:55.809 --> 00:11:57.501
and it lands on my shoulders.

00:11:58.027 --> 00:12:00.228
The bar oscillates from the weight

00:12:00.958 --> 00:12:02.904
and I jerk it overheard,

00:12:02.928 --> 00:12:06.506
stand it up proudly,
and let it crash to the floor.

00:12:07.894 --> 00:12:10.775
I get an acknowledging smile
from my new friends,

00:12:11.402 --> 00:12:13.895
and a fist bump
from my new workout partner.

00:12:14.617 --> 00:12:18.339
And in that moment,
I find supportive community.

00:12:19.035 --> 00:12:20.266
And in that community,

00:12:20.894 --> 00:12:22.130
I find hope.

00:12:22.154 --> 00:12:24.487
(Applause)

00:12:24.511 --> 00:12:27.227
(Cheers)

00:12:27.251 --> 00:12:28.412
Thanks.

00:12:28.436 --> 00:12:30.568
(Applause)

00:12:30.592 --> 00:12:34.338
(Cheers)