0:00:16.489,0:00:21.920
I am a person in long-term recovery[br]from a substance-use disorder.

0:00:22.430,0:00:24.511
(Applause)

0:00:24.921,0:00:28.201
And what that means[br]is I haven't smoked crack,

0:00:28.225,0:00:33.544
snorted a line of cocaine, or touched[br]a sip of alcohol in over 19 years.

0:00:33.568,0:00:37.765
(Applause)

0:00:39.201,0:00:41.265
I had my first beer at 11.

0:00:41.741,0:00:43.733
One of my cousins gave it to me.

0:00:44.395,0:00:47.731
I had my first line of coke at 15.

0:00:47.755,0:00:49.959
I had just gotten out of a psych ward

0:00:49.983,0:00:51.419
for being suicidal.

0:00:52.879,0:00:56.950
From 15 to 24, I drank[br]and used my way through life,

0:00:56.974,0:00:59.232
and eventually ended up in Boston.

0:01:00.655,0:01:04.296
At that point, my addiction[br]had gotten so bad

0:01:04.320,0:01:07.342
that I was paranoid,[br]and afraid of everything.

0:01:08.389,0:01:10.781
I found myself locked in my apartment,

0:01:10.805,0:01:13.787
and there in the dark,[br]huddled on the bathroom floor,

0:01:13.811,0:01:17.002
I had been using cocaine[br]for almost 24 hours straight.

0:01:18.042,0:01:19.899
My heart was pounding,

0:01:19.923,0:01:22.651
and it felt like it was going[br]to explode in my chest.

0:01:23.656,0:01:26.207
I knew that's how I was going to die.

0:01:27.904,0:01:30.925
And when the sun rose[br]on Boston that morning,

0:01:30.949,0:01:32.562
do you know what I thought of?

0:01:33.627,0:01:35.307
I thought of my mom.

0:01:36.126,0:01:38.432
I thought, "Somebody[br]is going to have to tell her

0:01:38.456,0:01:41.614
that her son died on a bathroom floor[br]from a cocaine overdose."

0:01:42.013,0:01:43.812
And that's the last night I used.

0:01:45.783,0:01:49.784
No one ever dreams they're going[br]to grow up to be an addict.

0:01:52.728,0:01:54.509
I found my way into a boxing gym,

0:01:55.263,0:01:58.013
and something about[br]getting in the ring for the first time

0:01:58.037,0:01:59.892
helped chip away at my addiction.

0:02:00.468,0:02:03.449
Eventually, I saw a brochure[br]for ice climbing.

0:02:04.166,0:02:07.781
And on the cover was this guy[br]on a steep ice climb,

0:02:07.805,0:02:10.469
and I thought, "I want to try that."

0:02:12.390,0:02:16.079
I signed up for a class,[br]and I didn't know it at the time,

0:02:16.103,0:02:18.354
but I had begun my path of recovery.

0:02:19.441,0:02:22.544
See, there's something[br]special that happens

0:02:22.568,0:02:25.978
when you tie into a climbing rope[br]for the first time in the winter.

0:02:26.827,0:02:29.970
You look up at the glacier[br]or the climb ahead of you,

0:02:29.994,0:02:32.097
and everything else seems to melt away.

0:02:32.534,0:02:35.072
All the problems, all your worries,

0:02:35.096,0:02:38.105
all the shame and self-loathing[br]from your addiction

0:02:38.129,0:02:39.760
that so many addicts feel -

0:02:40.470,0:02:43.351
it all drifts away and you're left[br]just in that moment.

0:02:44.176,0:02:47.633
All you hear is the crunch of the snow[br]under your crampons;

0:02:48.241,0:02:51.991
the sound your ice ax makes[br]when it cracks into the deep blue ice;

0:02:52.577,0:02:55.572
the sound of your breathing[br]as it drifts away

0:02:55.596,0:02:58.284
and is muted by the soft falling snow.

0:02:59.881,0:03:03.092
In that moment, in that place,

0:03:03.116,0:03:05.168
I caught a glimpse of the possibility

0:03:05.192,0:03:06.941
of who I could be:

0:03:06.965,0:03:08.925
courageous and confident.

0:03:10.737,0:03:15.215
Climbing would evolve into racing[br]mountain bikes, doing triathlons,

0:03:15.239,0:03:17.004
eventually racing Ironman.

0:03:17.346,0:03:19.935
And every time I stood[br]on top of a mountain

0:03:19.959,0:03:21.726
or crossed a finish line,

0:03:21.750,0:03:26.033
I was a little bit more a climber[br]and a little bit less an addict.

0:03:28.577,0:03:31.418
I was fortunate; I found hope[br]on a mountaintop.

0:03:33.128,0:03:36.146
And from that hope,[br]I began to heal from my addiction.

0:03:37.212,0:03:39.917
But for so many people[br]that are still in their addiction,

0:03:39.941,0:03:41.599
it can feel pretty hopeless.

0:03:42.636,0:03:47.562
An estimated 23 million Americans[br]struggle with a substance-use disorder,

0:03:47.586,0:03:51.593
and the average American[br]is more likely to die from an overdose

0:03:51.617,0:03:53.748
than a motor vehicle accident,

0:03:53.772,0:03:55.113
a mass shooting,

0:03:55.137,0:03:56.422
and a terrorist attack,

0:03:56.446,0:03:57.652
combined.

0:03:59.069,0:04:02.393
So many of us get a loved one[br]plugged into formal treatment

0:04:02.417,0:04:05.011
and we think, "Now[br]they're going to be fixed,"

0:04:05.757,0:04:08.205
only to find out that 40 to 60 percent

0:04:08.229,0:04:10.206
of people coming out of formal treatment

0:04:10.230,0:04:12.006
will relapse within the first year.

0:04:13.218,0:04:14.521
Why is that?

0:04:15.878,0:04:18.976
I think we can't talk about[br]healing from addiction

0:04:19.000,0:04:21.980
unless we also talk about[br]healing from trauma.

0:04:22.949,0:04:25.401
I'm not just talking about[br]the big traumas -

0:04:25.425,0:04:29.528
growing up in a war-torn country,[br]physical and sexual abuse.

0:04:29.980,0:04:32.218
But I'm talking about[br]those little traumas -

0:04:33.545,0:04:36.012
what it felt like[br]when your parents got divorced;

0:04:37.148,0:04:40.021
what it felt like[br]when you were bullied in school;

0:04:40.612,0:04:43.926
what it felt like when you[br]were abandoned by that loved one.

0:04:45.042,0:04:48.540
Even though these traumas[br]don't leave a wound that we can see,

0:04:48.564,0:04:50.513
they affect how we see the world.

0:04:51.561,0:04:56.125
I believe that trauma is the number one[br]public health crisis in our country.

0:04:56.964,0:05:03.287
(Applause)

0:05:04.537,0:05:07.073
Why was I compelled[br]to drink at 11 years old?

0:05:08.105,0:05:11.510
Why was I using cocaine at 15,[br]and also suicidal?

0:05:12.637,0:05:15.018
I think in part, it comes[br]from generational trauma

0:05:15.042,0:05:17.358
that was passed from my father.

0:05:17.382,0:05:19.592
See, his father left him[br]when he was young,

0:05:19.616,0:05:22.358
so he carried a pain that he passed to me.

0:05:23.433,0:05:26.338
My dad also struggled with mental illness,

0:05:26.362,0:05:29.486
so he would yell at my siblings[br]and I if we lost,

0:05:29.893,0:05:32.798
and he'd also yell at us[br]if we won the soccer game.

0:05:35.290,0:05:37.431
He would publicly shame us,

0:05:37.455,0:05:40.255
and I remember that always[br]made me feel so...

0:05:41.510,0:05:42.732
...small.

0:05:44.437,0:05:48.029
There's also a unique kind[br]of inadequacy that you feel

0:05:48.053,0:05:49.801
when you see a sibling that you love

0:05:49.825,0:05:50.982
being abused,

0:05:51.006,0:05:52.862
and you can do nothing to stop it.

0:05:54.718,0:05:58.120
I think about how that must have[br]imprinted on me when I was little.

0:05:59.402,0:06:01.177
Yes, I was once little.

0:06:01.201,0:06:02.473
(Laughter)

0:06:02.497,0:06:05.608
And when we're little,[br]we're emotional sponges.

0:06:05.632,0:06:08.350
We absorb the energy around us[br]from our caregivers,

0:06:08.374,0:06:11.607
and if that energy[br]is negative or traumatic,

0:06:11.631,0:06:14.524
we often internalize it[br]as we did something wrong;

0:06:15.371,0:06:16.889
we were failures.

0:06:19.387,0:06:23.846
All of those little traumas[br]are tiny emotional cuts,

0:06:23.870,0:06:27.102
and with enough of these cuts[br]it can add up to a big wound.

0:06:28.451,0:06:31.608
I know what you're thinking: some[br]of those things happened to you,

0:06:31.632,0:06:32.991
and you're not an addict.

0:06:33.015,0:06:35.507
Well, there's other ways[br]we cope with this.

0:06:35.531,0:06:39.402
Many of us seek our emotional well-being[br]from something external.

0:06:39.974,0:06:43.849
Maybe it's what we look like,[br]maybe it's how much money we make,

0:06:44.896,0:06:48.360
maybe it's whether or not[br]our sports team won the Superbowl.

0:06:49.169,0:06:50.412
Go Broncos!

0:06:50.436,0:06:51.492
(Laughter)

0:06:51.516,0:06:52.542
(Cheers)

0:06:52.566,0:06:54.219
We have love addiction,

0:06:54.243,0:06:55.840
we have love avoidance,

0:06:56.831,0:06:58.854
we have workaholism,

0:06:58.878,0:07:00.048
eating disorders,

0:07:00.072,0:07:01.682
and the list goes on and on.

0:07:03.014,0:07:05.094
So how do we heal from this?

0:07:06.520,0:07:09.503
I know standing on top of a mountain[br]can be part of it;

0:07:09.527,0:07:12.044
that goes directly[br]to the self-esteem piece.

0:07:13.055,0:07:15.116
But what about the opposite of trauma?

0:07:15.584,0:07:18.224
We have to learn how to build[br]nurturing communities

0:07:18.248,0:07:19.940
for our children to grow up in.

0:07:21.178,0:07:23.500
I want you to think[br]about that for a moment.

0:07:23.524,0:07:26.926
What kind of environment would you want[br]your children to grow up in?

0:07:27.330,0:07:28.923
I want you to make a list.

0:07:30.693,0:07:32.280
Here's mine:

0:07:32.304,0:07:36.320
encouraging, full of joy,[br]accepting, loving,

0:07:36.344,0:07:39.720
a place where we are physically[br]and emotionally safe.

0:07:41.228,0:07:44.103
With the understanding[br]of these two things coming together -

0:07:44.127,0:07:46.550
the power of standing[br]on top of a mountain,

0:07:46.574,0:07:48.718
and the power of a nurturing community -

0:07:48.742,0:07:52.101
I thought, "How do we give this[br]to others that are struggling?"

0:07:53.434,0:07:56.304
I thought, "How do we take[br]thousands of recovering addicts

0:07:56.328,0:07:59.135
up a mountain in a nurturing environment?"

0:07:59.159,0:08:02.322
It seems impossible. But it's not.

0:08:02.346,0:08:04.154
And that's exactly what we did.

0:08:05.289,0:08:08.707
With a core group of people,[br]I started a nonprofit,

0:08:08.731,0:08:11.341
and we created a sober, active community.

0:08:12.038,0:08:15.540
We've since served[br]18,000 people in 10 years,

0:08:15.564,0:08:17.430
in five cities, in three states.

0:08:17.454,0:08:19.387
(Cheers)

0:08:19.411,0:08:25.428
(Applause)

0:08:26.095,0:08:30.571
All of those programs are free[br]to anyone who's 48 hours clean and sober.

0:08:30.595,0:08:33.586
They come to yoga,[br]hiking, biking and climbing.

0:08:33.610,0:08:36.007
They find a positive coping mechanism,

0:08:36.031,0:08:39.483
and they find a peer group[br]that supports them in their recovery.

0:08:39.507,0:08:43.338
And there's a code of conduct[br]that frames the community.

0:08:44.314,0:08:47.965
It says that anything[br]that isn't nurturing isn't welcome,

0:08:47.989,0:08:50.401
and with those simple boundaries in place,

0:08:50.425,0:08:53.168
it's had a profound effect[br]on people's lives.

0:08:54.728,0:08:58.079
Seventy-three percent of people[br]had improved self-esteem.

0:08:58.914,0:09:01.379
Eighty-two percent felt emotionally safe.

0:09:02.068,0:09:04.935
I think the other 18[br]were probably on that wall.

0:09:04.959,0:09:06.820
(Laughter)

0:09:09.943,0:09:13.653
Sixty-five percent had improved[br]attitudes towards sobriety.

0:09:15.012,0:09:18.179
And three-quarters of the people[br]that attend stayed sober.

0:09:19.241,0:09:25.199
(Applause)

0:09:27.595,0:09:30.175
Now I want you to imagine for a moment

0:09:30.199,0:09:33.339
that I'm someone[br]who's 48 hours clean and sober,

0:09:34.291,0:09:35.891
and I show up at this gym.

0:09:37.009,0:09:38.520
I walk up to the door.

0:09:39.452,0:09:40.798
I grab the door handle.

0:09:41.449,0:09:42.877
It feels so heavy.

0:09:43.493,0:09:46.940
It feels so heavy because[br]this is my first time as an adult

0:09:46.964,0:09:50.849
walking into a roomful of people[br]without a drink or a drug in my system.

0:09:51.674,0:09:55.329
On top of that, I'm about to do[br]my first CrossFit workout.

0:09:55.353,0:09:57.221
(Laughter)

0:09:57.245,0:10:00.131
So, am I even going to make it[br]through the warm-up?

0:10:01.025,0:10:02.182
You know what?

0:10:02.206,0:10:04.033
Maybe I'll just go get a drink.

0:10:04.817,0:10:08.154
The guy at the front desk gives me[br]the waiver and the code of conduct,

0:10:08.178,0:10:09.765
and I'm filling it out, thinking,

0:10:09.789,0:10:11.863
"I'm just going to hand it[br]back to this guy,

0:10:11.887,0:10:15.665
and I'm going back to that old apartment[br]where my friends are still using."

0:10:16.769,0:10:19.969
You know, that kind of apartment[br]where addicts go to die.

0:10:20.704,0:10:24.607
Or, "I'll just grab a handle[br]of vodka, and I'll numb out.

0:10:25.167,0:10:27.782
I'll make the pain[br]and the anxiety go away."

0:10:28.790,0:10:32.119
This guy at the front desk, though,[br]he can tell I'm a little anxious,

0:10:32.143,0:10:34.341
and he starts to share his own story.

0:10:35.408,0:10:38.015
This guy was a heroin addict?[br]How's that even possible?

0:10:38.039,0:10:39.244
He's so fit.

0:10:39.737,0:10:42.767
Well, he walks with me into the gym,[br]and in that moment,

0:10:42.791,0:10:44.551
I feel accepted here.

0:10:45.163,0:10:47.489
This guy and this other girl[br]come over to me

0:10:47.513,0:10:49.535
and they help me set up my weights.

0:10:50.326,0:10:54.081
They give me a white PVC pipe[br]and they start to warm me up.

0:10:54.105,0:10:56.165
They're teaching me the clean and jerk.

0:10:57.032,0:10:59.038
I learned this lift when I was in prison,

0:10:59.062,0:11:00.934
but never with technique or form.

0:11:01.905,0:11:06.541
"Strong back," they say, "stand it up,[br]triple extension, high pull."

0:11:07.116,0:11:09.057
Now we go back over to the weights.

0:11:09.566,0:11:11.653
The room is full of people.

0:11:11.677,0:11:13.281
We line up at our barbells,

0:11:13.305,0:11:16.529
and the clock starts to count down[br]to start the workout.

0:11:16.968,0:11:20.476
Five, four, three, two...

0:11:21.309,0:11:22.863
I look around the gym.

0:11:23.357,0:11:25.673
Everyone in here is in recovery.

0:11:26.333,0:11:28.576
I can feel that they believe in me -

0:11:29.195,0:11:31.346
me: a junky, a drunk.

0:11:31.894,0:11:34.136
As a matter of fact,[br]they believe in me so much

0:11:34.160,0:11:37.068
that in that moment,[br]I start to believe in myself.

0:11:37.986,0:11:40.716
The clock clicks over[br]to start the workout.

0:11:40.740,0:11:42.912
I reach down to grab my barbell,

0:11:42.936,0:11:45.121
a seemingly unmovable weight.

0:11:45.623,0:11:47.313
But I grab it, and I pull,

0:11:47.337,0:11:50.073
I pull with all the technique,[br]strength, and courage

0:11:50.097,0:11:52.482
that I draw from the people around me.

0:11:52.506,0:11:55.785
And for a moment, it becomes weightless

0:11:55.809,0:11:57.501
and it lands on my shoulders.

0:11:58.027,0:12:00.228
The bar oscillates from the weight

0:12:00.958,0:12:02.904
and I jerk it overheard,

0:12:02.928,0:12:06.506
stand it up proudly,[br]and let it crash to the floor.

0:12:07.894,0:12:10.775
I get an acknowledging smile[br]from my new friends,

0:12:11.402,0:12:13.895
and a fist bump[br]from my new workout partner.

0:12:14.617,0:12:18.339
And in that moment,[br]I find supportive community.

0:12:19.035,0:12:20.266
And in that community,

0:12:20.894,0:12:22.130
I find hope.

0:12:22.154,0:12:24.487
(Applause)

0:12:24.511,0:12:27.227
(Cheers)

0:12:27.251,0:12:28.412
Thanks.

0:12:28.436,0:12:30.568
(Applause)

0:12:30.592,0:12:34.338
(Cheers)