WEBVTT 00:00:00.087 --> 00:00:38.172 ♪ Intro Music ♪ 00:00:38.990 --> 00:00:41.371 It's common for people who have been hurt 00:00:41.411 --> 00:00:44.014 to build walls between themselves and others. 00:00:44.514 --> 00:00:47.141 These walls are designed to keep Hurt out, 00:00:47.347 --> 00:00:48.918 but the downside to them 00:00:48.974 --> 00:00:51.664 is that they also keep positive-feeling things 00:00:51.704 --> 00:00:53.571 like Love and Happiness out. 00:00:54.411 --> 00:00:56.982 Many experts talk about this kind of Wall, 00:00:57.593 --> 00:00:59.943 but the Wall I'm gonna talk to you about today 00:00:59.967 --> 00:01:01.784 is a different kind of wall - 00:01:02.046 --> 00:01:05.370 one that's erected by people who are hurt even worse. 00:01:05.862 --> 00:01:07.014 This wall is designed 00:01:07.054 --> 00:01:11.006 to keep positive-feeling things like Love, out - 00:01:11.919 --> 00:01:14.411 but to keep Pain in ... 00:01:15.204 --> 00:01:18.728 There are two kinds of people who erect walls to keep Love out. 00:01:18.768 --> 00:01:21.601 The first have been hurt by their connection to other people. 00:01:21.657 --> 00:01:22.752 For this kind of person, 00:01:22.800 --> 00:01:25.427 things like enmeshment and unhealthy co-dependency 00:01:25.467 --> 00:01:27.880 and guilt-traps made love painful. 00:01:28.045 --> 00:01:29.070 They don't wanna let love in 00:01:29.109 --> 00:01:30.451 because letting people too close 00:01:30.514 --> 00:01:32.689 means getting used or hurt by them. 00:01:32.832 --> 00:01:36.142 They have suffered from incoming boundary-violations. 00:01:36.617 --> 00:01:39.998 The second kind of person who erects walls to keep Love out 00:01:40.117 --> 00:01:43.093 has been hurt by the withdrawal of love by other people, 00:01:43.141 --> 00:01:44.808 and the loss of happiness. 00:01:45.268 --> 00:01:47.593 Their lives have been tormented by loss. 00:01:47.736 --> 00:01:50.895 They experienced the loss of love and support and happiness. 00:01:51.348 --> 00:01:53.261 They see happiness and love and support 00:01:53.300 --> 00:01:55.395 as transient and unpredictable. 00:01:55.459 --> 00:01:58.300 It is taken away just as easily as it is given - 00:01:58.451 --> 00:02:00.102 and the trauma of losing it 00:02:00.149 --> 00:02:02.938 makes it smart to not become attached to it at all. 00:02:03.184 --> 00:02:04.874 People who are in this category 00:02:04.946 --> 00:02:07.724 cannot receive love and cannot trust happiness. 00:02:08.002 --> 00:02:10.862 In fact, to them, happiness and love do not feel real. 00:02:11.814 --> 00:02:13.909 What I wanna focus on for this episode, 00:02:13.972 --> 00:02:16.297 is the *other* feature of this wall. 00:02:16.393 --> 00:02:18.623 Not the feature that keep Love out, 00:02:18.774 --> 00:02:21.211 but the feature that keeps Pain in. 00:02:21.853 --> 00:02:22.972 I know what you're thinking - 00:02:23.012 --> 00:02:25.925 Who on earth would build a wall to keep Pain in? 00:02:26.504 --> 00:02:29.845 The answer is - a great many people, for a great many reasons. 00:02:30.018 --> 00:02:32.417 Multiple studies, (including a very famous study 00:02:32.464 --> 00:02:34.869 from the University of Oslo in Norway) 00:02:34.909 --> 00:02:37.980 prove that Pain is experienced as pleasant 00:02:38.051 --> 00:02:41.441 if something that is expected to feel worse (or more painful) 00:02:41.456 --> 00:02:42.789 has been avoided. 00:02:43.583 --> 00:02:47.059 The Subjects in the Pain Studies that were prepared for the worst 00:02:47.083 --> 00:02:48.766 felt relieved when they realized 00:02:48.822 --> 00:02:51.671 the pain was not going to be as bad as they had feared. 00:02:51.885 --> 00:02:52.615 In other words, 00:02:52.655 --> 00:02:55.020 a sense of relief can be powerful enough 00:02:55.052 --> 00:02:58.353 to turn an obviously negative experience, like pain, 00:02:58.568 --> 00:03:02.274 into a sensation that is comforting, or even enjoyable. 00:03:02.528 --> 00:03:03.687 You can apply this idea 00:03:03.710 --> 00:03:05.131 to each of the following reasons 00:03:05.179 --> 00:03:07.687 why we might hold on to pain. 00:03:07.980 --> 00:03:10.710 I gonna list some of these examples for you now. 00:03:11.345 --> 00:03:14.576 No.1: The most common reason why we would let Pain in 00:03:14.607 --> 00:03:16.742 and keep it close to us 00:03:17.226 --> 00:03:19.964 begins with a Dynamic in childhood. 00:03:20.996 --> 00:03:23.790 With all people, we learn quite quickly 00:03:23.837 --> 00:03:25.829 (because of the way that we're raised) 00:03:25.853 --> 00:03:28.684 that children who are bad are punished 00:03:28.750 --> 00:03:31.647 and children who are good are rewarded. 00:03:32.488 --> 00:03:37.369 Now when you're younger, Love is the same as Survival. 00:03:37.901 --> 00:03:41.306 We feel as if abandonment means death. 00:03:42.115 --> 00:03:43.987 So we have to keep Love 00:03:44.020 --> 00:03:46.576 more than we even need food or water. 00:03:47.155 --> 00:03:50.853 So what we're risking by being bad, is death ... 00:03:50.917 --> 00:03:53.552 If we had parents that were hands-off 00:03:53.599 --> 00:03:56.282 and ignored us when we were happy or, even worse, 00:03:56.298 --> 00:03:58.981 if we had parents who were threatened by us feeling good - 00:03:59.019 --> 00:04:01.171 parents would become irritated with our energy-level 00:04:01.226 --> 00:04:02.345 when we were happy, 00:04:02.377 --> 00:04:04.909 or who would stop our play to make us do chores, 00:04:04.947 --> 00:04:07.885 or who seemed perturbed by the fun that we got to have, 00:04:07.909 --> 00:04:11.075 or, even worse, who actively punished us when we felt good - 00:04:11.091 --> 00:04:14.512 we got the message that feeling good means being bad. 00:04:14.758 --> 00:04:16.702 And, by the same token, 00:04:16.733 --> 00:04:18.995 if this family that we came into 00:04:19.567 --> 00:04:22.464 shows a great deal of attention and support 00:04:22.496 --> 00:04:25.647 when we're feeling pain or when something's going wrong, 00:04:25.671 --> 00:04:29.092 we learn that there must be goodness or virtue in pain. 00:04:29.425 --> 00:04:32.179 Being bad means being unloved and thus ultimately dying 00:04:32.226 --> 00:04:35.083 and so we began to see feeling bad as good, 00:04:35.115 --> 00:04:37.298 and feeling good as bad ... 00:04:38.377 --> 00:04:42.059 Now before we pin this Dynamic on parents entirely, 00:04:42.091 --> 00:04:43.520 let's take a closer look 00:04:43.567 --> 00:04:46.638 at the real culprit behind this particular belief - 00:04:46.694 --> 00:04:47.826 it's Religion. 00:04:48.242 --> 00:04:50.948 Take a look at the religions around the world. 00:04:51.194 --> 00:04:54.639 Take a look at just how many of them propagate the idea 00:04:54.678 --> 00:04:57.107 that there is some kind of virtue in suffering, 00:04:57.234 --> 00:05:01.544 or that the person who suffers the most, is somehow, 'good'. 00:05:03.122 --> 00:05:04.281 I wanna give you an example 00:05:04.313 --> 00:05:06.702 of how this particular dynamic plays out. 00:05:06.741 --> 00:05:10.368 Some years ago I had a client whose mother was devoutly Catholic. 00:05:10.527 --> 00:05:12.376 So already, before her child was born, 00:05:12.424 --> 00:05:15.408 she had some kind of idea that there is virtue in suffering - 00:05:15.480 --> 00:05:17.975 just like Jesus Christ did on the Cross. 00:05:18.392 --> 00:05:21.225 When my client was young and she would play and laugh, 00:05:21.273 --> 00:05:24.789 her mother would be consumed by the fury of not being considered. 00:05:24.852 --> 00:05:27.138 She would become aggravated and send her to her room, 00:05:27.170 --> 00:05:29.702 or remind her of something that would make her sad. 00:05:29.764 --> 00:05:32.233 However, when she skinned her knee, or got sick, or was bullied, 00:05:32.265 --> 00:05:34.924 her mother would hold her on her lap and give her a treat. 00:05:35.384 --> 00:05:38.376 Remember that our brain is linked Being Loved to Survival - 00:05:38.430 --> 00:05:40.392 needless to say, the only way for this child 00:05:40.440 --> 00:05:41.924 to remained loved, and therefore, alive 00:05:41.987 --> 00:05:43.868 was to be unhappy and hurt. 00:05:44.001 --> 00:05:46.638 She began to gravitate towards situations that made her unhappy 00:05:46.693 --> 00:05:48.066 and towards people who hurt her 00:05:48.105 --> 00:05:49.606 and even began injuring herself 00:05:49.638 --> 00:05:53.003 in the subconscious attempt to be good and therefore, loved. 00:05:53.185 --> 00:05:54.225 All the way into adulthood, 00:05:54.289 --> 00:05:57.448 she believed that only hurt people deserved to be happy 00:05:57.479 --> 00:05:59.344 and be loved and supported. 00:05:59.868 --> 00:06:03.479 Her Good-is-Bad and Bad-is-Good Wires were so crossed 00:06:03.542 --> 00:06:06.137 that she came to me fresh from 7 years spent in an institution 00:06:06.185 --> 00:06:08.487 for self-harm and multiple suicide attempts. 00:06:09.384 --> 00:06:10.813 This pattern is especially common 00:06:10.844 --> 00:06:13.630 if we grew up in homes with a narcissistic parent. 00:06:13.955 --> 00:06:15.916 Remembering, of course, that a narcissistic parent 00:06:15.955 --> 00:06:17.725 will never recognize themselves as such 00:06:17.781 --> 00:06:20.868 and will almost always identify with the exact opposite - 00:06:20.931 --> 00:06:22.550 being a completely selfless giver, 00:06:22.598 --> 00:06:24.566 and making you feel guilty for it. 00:06:25.328 --> 00:06:28.685 #2: Another reason why we might build a wall 00:06:28.725 --> 00:06:31.328 that lets Pain in and keeps Pain in 00:06:31.479 --> 00:06:34.265 is because we feel like we have to remember 00:06:34.304 --> 00:06:36.923 an aspect of ourselves that we lost ... 00:06:38.042 --> 00:06:40.066 When someone we love dies, 00:06:40.144 --> 00:06:41.574 we feel like we're betraying them 00:06:41.614 --> 00:06:43.876 if we move on or we get happy. 00:06:44.622 --> 00:06:47.781 The same idea applies to ourselves. 00:06:48.106 --> 00:06:49.979 When we feel like some aspect of ourselves 00:06:50.019 --> 00:06:52.932 was so traumatized that it was lost - 00:06:53.622 --> 00:06:56.916 we feel as if it is somehow self-betrayal 00:06:57.146 --> 00:07:01.245 to move forward, to move on, and to be happy. 00:07:02.292 --> 00:07:06.086 #3: Another reason is that we might feel 00:07:06.133 --> 00:07:10.736 like pain is the only thing that we can count on. 00:07:12.189 --> 00:07:15.705 We all want a sense of stability and a sense of security. 00:07:16.435 --> 00:07:19.118 We gain that security, for the most part, 00:07:19.165 --> 00:07:20.871 through a sense of certainty. 00:07:20.983 --> 00:07:23.427 The basic human need of Certainty, simply put, 00:07:23.467 --> 00:07:27.126 is the certainty that we can gain pleasure and avoid pain. 00:07:27.181 --> 00:07:29.578 But if we get hurt so often, and disappointed so often, 00:07:29.633 --> 00:07:31.260 that we feel as if it is impossible 00:07:31.292 --> 00:07:33.411 to be certain that we can gain pleasure, 00:07:33.768 --> 00:07:35.514 we turn the tables ... 00:07:35.673 --> 00:07:38.141 We hold on to the only certainty that we have in our lives 00:07:38.165 --> 00:07:39.435 which is Pain. 00:07:39.967 --> 00:07:42.142 In our lives, Pain is certain, 00:07:42.252 --> 00:07:44.808 so it feels more real than happiness or love. 00:07:45.292 --> 00:07:47.062 The very knowledge that we can count on it 00:07:47.094 --> 00:07:49.753 or even choose to consciously perpetuate it 00:07:49.776 --> 00:07:52.339 makes us feel a sense of relief. 00:07:53.165 --> 00:07:54.570 How sad is that? 00:07:54.759 --> 00:07:56.562 The only certainty we have of feeling good 00:07:56.610 --> 00:07:59.602 is the feeling of the predictable certainty of pain. 00:08:00.776 --> 00:08:02.355 We see this so often 00:08:02.395 --> 00:08:04.276 in people who have been disappointed 00:08:04.316 --> 00:08:06.165 again and again in their lives. 00:08:06.340 --> 00:08:10.761 We keep ourselves low to avoid the climb and the inevitable fall. 00:08:11.697 --> 00:08:14.808 Pain is safe because you may be hurting always 00:08:14.848 --> 00:08:16.697 but you aren't losing anything. 00:08:16.776 --> 00:08:19.696 You aren't crushed by the loss of happiness or love. 00:08:19.935 --> 00:08:23.498 #4: Another reason why we might build a wall 00:08:23.538 --> 00:08:26.808 which is designed to let Pain in and keep Pain in 00:08:26.943 --> 00:08:29.768 is because we have learnt to distrust 00:08:29.840 --> 00:08:32.015 good-feeling things so much 00:08:32.070 --> 00:08:35.530 that conversely, we have learned to only trust 00:08:35.554 --> 00:08:37.475 negative-feeling things. 00:08:37.768 --> 00:08:38.919 So often in our lives, 00:08:38.951 --> 00:08:42.975 we're surrounded by people who like to sugar-coat insults. 00:08:43.292 --> 00:08:44.729 The compliment opens a person up 00:08:44.760 --> 00:08:46.776 so that the insult gets in deeper. 00:08:46.840 --> 00:08:49.752 If we had people in our lives who maintained this habit, 00:08:49.800 --> 00:08:52.848 Good was used against us - we started to distrust Good. 00:08:52.911 --> 00:08:55.601 We learned that the Good was not really genuine. 00:08:56.387 --> 00:08:58.856 I spoke about this pattern of Good being used against us 00:08:58.887 --> 00:09:01.768 in my YouTube video titled "How to Receive". 00:09:02.030 --> 00:09:04.625 If the people in our lives use Love as leverage, 00:09:04.641 --> 00:09:08.220 Love & Happiness come with a side-dish of guilt, duty and debt. 00:09:08.292 --> 00:09:08.999 For this reason, 00:09:09.022 --> 00:09:11.506 we feel the only thing we can trust is Pain. 00:09:11.594 --> 00:09:15.788 #5: We use Pain in order to feel safe - 00:09:15.868 --> 00:09:18.178 we use it like a kind of buffer. 00:09:18.843 --> 00:09:21.098 Not only does it prevent us from feeling loss 00:09:21.109 --> 00:09:22.979 and prevent us from feeling shock, 00:09:23.034 --> 00:09:25.105 it also acts like a cushion. 00:09:25.590 --> 00:09:27.900 Just look at the society we live in - 00:09:28.257 --> 00:09:30.328 one of the most common sayings we have is 00:09:30.344 --> 00:09:32.598 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. 00:09:32.630 --> 00:09:35.360 And, some of us, take this deeply to heart. 00:09:35.614 --> 00:09:39.408 We try to experience so much pain 00:09:39.447 --> 00:09:40.947 or to pad ourselves with it, 00:09:40.963 --> 00:09:42.749 or accept so much of it, 00:09:43.510 --> 00:09:44.916 that we become strong enough 00:09:44.963 --> 00:09:47.820 that we're impermeable to future pain. 00:09:48.170 --> 00:09:51.417 We're trying to develop an immunity to pain. 00:09:52.003 --> 00:09:54.908 Pain can also increase our self-worth. 00:09:55.305 --> 00:09:57.778 Heroes have to endure extreme pain - 00:09:57.820 --> 00:10:00.328 so we can keep pain in and propagate it 00:10:00.360 --> 00:10:03.217 so that we're seen as heroes, by others. 00:10:03.884 --> 00:10:07.844 #6: Another reason that we might let Pain in, and keep Pain, 00:10:07.892 --> 00:10:10.257 is that we're trying to cry 'Mercy!' to the Universe 00:10:10.281 --> 00:10:12.321 when It's hurt us again and again. 00:10:12.836 --> 00:10:16.026 We can use our pain like a white-flag 00:10:16.074 --> 00:10:19.153 that prevents other people from hurting us. 00:10:19.392 --> 00:10:22.075 The idea is that if I'm already hurt, 00:10:22.130 --> 00:10:23.940 you're less tempted to hurt me. 00:10:24.503 --> 00:10:29.969 #7: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain in 00:10:30.303 --> 00:10:35.131 is if we're trying to avoid blame or negative responsibility. 00:10:35.374 --> 00:10:37.065 If you're exhausted or alone 00:10:37.120 --> 00:10:39.191 and don't want to take responsibility for yourself 00:10:39.223 --> 00:10:41.509 because of what taking responsibility for yourself 00:10:41.541 --> 00:10:42.827 might mean to you - 00:10:42.874 --> 00:10:46.207 Pain can be used as a scapegoat for responsibilities. 00:10:46.294 --> 00:10:47.834 We might think that we have to be in pain 00:10:47.866 --> 00:10:49.096 for others to help us, 00:10:49.144 --> 00:10:50.255 or be kind to us, 00:10:50.310 --> 00:10:51.033 or give us things, 00:10:51.049 --> 00:10:52.287 or let us off the hook, 00:10:52.366 --> 00:10:54.247 or take responsibility for us. 00:10:54.446 --> 00:10:56.890 Pain can be a powerful excuse. 00:10:57.334 --> 00:10:59.906 We feel terrible about ourselves when things are our fault, 00:10:59.938 --> 00:11:01.867 especially if we were punished for things 00:11:01.890 --> 00:11:03.707 that were our fault when we were young. 00:11:04.024 --> 00:11:05.509 When we don't take responsibility 00:11:05.549 --> 00:11:07.708 for things that caused us, or other people, pain 00:11:07.747 --> 00:11:10.556 we get to feel good about ourselves, still. 00:11:10.983 --> 00:11:13.779 We can use pain as a good way to maintain our self-esteem 00:11:13.818 --> 00:11:16.135 by excusing ourselves from the responsibility 00:11:16.175 --> 00:11:18.032 of things we did to ourselves or others 00:11:18.072 --> 00:11:19.342 in our past. 00:11:20.818 --> 00:11:25.413 #8: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain 00:11:25.572 --> 00:11:28.485 is because we feel the sensation of relief 00:11:28.509 --> 00:11:30.334 (or our good-feeling emotions) 00:11:30.390 --> 00:11:34.080 as the result of the removal of pain. 00:11:34.644 --> 00:11:35.802 The relief that occurs 00:11:35.826 --> 00:11:39.532 when something that causes acute, intense pain is removed 00:11:39.596 --> 00:11:41.239 is enough for those of us who are struggling 00:11:41.294 --> 00:11:44.040 with extreme levels of emotional or physical pain 00:11:44.104 --> 00:11:45.937 to deliberately let pain into our lives, 00:11:45.993 --> 00:11:46.842 or cause ourselves pain, 00:11:46.874 --> 00:11:49.977 so that we can feel the relief of that very same pain. 00:11:50.318 --> 00:11:52.112 Self-injurers are particularly at-risk 00:11:52.167 --> 00:11:54.000 for this attachment to pain. 00:11:54.382 --> 00:11:55.922 I'll give you an example: 00:11:56.040 --> 00:11:57.675 Say that I was to give you a phone call 00:11:57.715 --> 00:12:00.207 and tell you that your house is being re-possessed. 00:12:00.858 --> 00:12:03.120 Then, 15-minutes later, I was gonna call you again 00:12:03.152 --> 00:12:04.660 and tell you it was a mix-up - 00:12:04.707 --> 00:12:08.160 the papers just got placed in different places in our office 00:12:08.171 --> 00:12:10.398 and it was all a big mistake. 00:12:10.945 --> 00:12:13.453 You would feel the sensation of relief 00:12:13.500 --> 00:12:15.738 not because I've actually given you good news, 00:12:15.770 --> 00:12:18.350 but because I removed the bad news. 00:12:18.731 --> 00:12:21.826 Sometimes, if we experience pain in our lives or let it in, 00:12:21.889 --> 00:12:25.595 the rest of our life seems to feel good by comparison. 00:12:25.810 --> 00:12:28.104 We actually feel the relief of experiencing 00:12:28.143 --> 00:12:30.657 what was previously experienced as painful 00:12:30.683 --> 00:12:33.000 because now, it feels good, by comparison. 00:12:33.635 --> 00:12:38.262 #9: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain in, 00:12:38.302 --> 00:12:42.326 is if we were the 'Identified Patient' in our families. 00:12:42.762 --> 00:12:46.826 The Identified Patient (or the 'IP') is someone within a family, 00:12:46.858 --> 00:12:48.382 usually a child, 00:12:48.500 --> 00:12:51.333 who is unconsciously selected by the family 00:12:51.389 --> 00:12:55.984 to play out the family's internal secret conflicts. 00:12:56.699 --> 00:12:59.183 This serves as a diversion 00:12:59.215 --> 00:13:02.731 from the rest of the family members' own pain. 00:13:03.929 --> 00:13:08.302 The IP is the split-off carrier for the family's disturbances. 00:13:08.396 --> 00:13:10.278 Simply-put, the Identified Patient 00:13:10.302 --> 00:13:12.270 is the scapegoat of the family - 00:13:12.437 --> 00:13:14.326 they are the family 'problem'. 00:13:14.484 --> 00:13:17.461 The IP is seen as the cause of the painful feelings 00:13:17.500 --> 00:13:19.333 of the other family members. 00:13:20.008 --> 00:13:24.603 The IP-child is usually the one whose own personality structure 00:13:24.643 --> 00:13:28.127 is the most invalidating to the personality structure 00:13:28.167 --> 00:13:30.524 of the parents in the household. 00:13:31.230 --> 00:13:33.850 Basically, the parents are faced with a decision - 00:13:34.731 --> 00:13:39.421 either they have to face the negative emotion within themselves 00:13:39.643 --> 00:13:42.500 and the aspects of themselves that feel invalidated, 00:13:42.596 --> 00:13:45.310 or, they have to turn against the child 00:13:45.366 --> 00:13:47.142 and pin the problem on the child, 00:13:47.190 --> 00:13:50.072 saying that the child is the reason that they feel so bad. 00:13:50.453 --> 00:13:52.675 By making the child the problem, 00:13:52.754 --> 00:13:54.651 they get to see themselves as the victims 00:13:54.699 --> 00:13:56.366 and as the philanthropic helpers, 00:13:56.421 --> 00:13:59.484 and thus avoid facing and dealing with their own problems. 00:14:00.207 --> 00:14:03.794 If you suspect that you may have been the IP in your family, 00:14:03.834 --> 00:14:05.882 I suggest doing some serious research 00:14:05.937 --> 00:14:08.183 about the Identified Patient Dynamic. 00:14:08.746 --> 00:14:11.214 If we were the Identified Patient, 00:14:11.413 --> 00:14:14.421 we've got some very difficult things going on, 00:14:14.500 --> 00:14:16.079 relative to Pain. 00:14:16.151 --> 00:14:18.992 The first is: that our earliest identity 00:14:19.056 --> 00:14:21.659 is the identity of something being wrong with us 00:14:21.746 --> 00:14:25.095 and the identity of being in pain. 00:14:25.992 --> 00:14:30.249 The second is: is that our family relies upon us 00:14:30.297 --> 00:14:32.995 being the problem - that's the only way 00:14:33.067 --> 00:14:36.440 that they get to avoid their own internal conflicts. 00:14:36.772 --> 00:14:38.408 Our family depends on us staying 00:14:38.463 --> 00:14:40.455 in the role of the Identified Patient, 00:14:40.495 --> 00:14:43.480 because the family structure will unravel if we don't. 00:14:43.582 --> 00:14:45.805 If they have to face their own shadows and pain 00:14:45.852 --> 00:14:47.735 and stop projecting it onto us, 00:14:47.797 --> 00:14:50.186 they will be miserable and in pain. 00:14:50.281 --> 00:14:52.591 After all, we are the ultimate scapegoats. 00:14:52.662 --> 00:14:55.583 Our family wants to keep us that way. 00:14:55.678 --> 00:14:57.662 They quite literally will do anything, 00:14:57.717 --> 00:14:59.423 including hurt you and abandon you, 00:14:59.487 --> 00:15:00.448 to keep you in this role 00:15:00.479 --> 00:15:02.495 so they can avoid their own pain. 00:15:03.273 --> 00:15:04.670 So, isn't that funny? 00:15:04.908 --> 00:15:06.583 To keep their love and support, 00:15:06.622 --> 00:15:08.376 and keep the family together, 00:15:08.495 --> 00:15:11.471 we have to keep hurting and keep having problems. 00:15:11.765 --> 00:15:14.503 We're hurting so that we can be loved. 00:15:15.090 --> 00:15:18.384 If you suspect that you might have built (subconsciously) 00:15:18.471 --> 00:15:19.709 this 'wall' in your life, 00:15:19.725 --> 00:15:23.336 which is impenetrable to love and support and happiness, 00:15:23.567 --> 00:15:27.940 while on the other hand lets-in pain and insults and injury, 00:15:28.209 --> 00:15:31.074 I want you to ask yourself these questions: 00:15:31.305 --> 00:15:35.963 No.1: Why do I *need* to be in pain? 00:15:36.868 --> 00:15:41.043 No.2: What would be so *bad* about being loved? 00:15:41.630 --> 00:15:45.170 No.3: What would be so *bad* about being happy, 00:15:45.217 --> 00:15:46.519 or feeling good? 00:15:46.757 --> 00:15:48.860 If we have built this kind of wall in our life 00:15:48.900 --> 00:15:51.432 that lets pain in and keeps pain in - 00:15:51.495 --> 00:15:54.717 the first thing we need to do is to recognize 00:15:54.773 --> 00:15:57.447 that this was an extremely intelligent way 00:15:57.487 --> 00:16:00.455 for us to cope with the pain and trauma 00:16:00.503 --> 00:16:03.725 that we experienced earlier-on in our life. 00:16:04.408 --> 00:16:06.868 This is not a mess-up on our part. 00:16:07.106 --> 00:16:10.368 It's something we did for survival. 00:16:10.939 --> 00:16:14.138 Just the awareness that we have this kind of wall 00:16:14.170 --> 00:16:16.226 between ourselves and others, 00:16:16.852 --> 00:16:18.995 puts cracks in the wall 00:16:19.043 --> 00:16:22.321 so it can't stand as strong as it once did. 00:16:23.177 --> 00:16:27.201 The second thing we need to do is to let good-feeling things, 00:16:27.249 --> 00:16:30.122 like happiness and love, into our life. 00:16:30.368 --> 00:16:32.233 But for those of you who have a difficult time 00:16:32.281 --> 00:16:34.591 letting positive emotion in, 00:16:34.916 --> 00:16:38.797 I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: "How to Receive". 00:16:39.717 --> 00:16:43.004 Another video I want you to watch is called: 00:16:43.043 --> 00:16:46.408 "How to Raise Your Frequency and Increase Your Vibration" 00:16:47.709 --> 00:16:50.852 If you let in positive-feeling things little by little 00:16:50.892 --> 00:16:53.035 the positive emotion will begin to dilute 00:16:53.066 --> 00:16:56.543 the negative emotion within you so it doesn't hurt so bad. 00:16:56.836 --> 00:16:59.812 The third thing we need to do is to make a choice. 00:17:00.384 --> 00:17:03.313 We need to make a choice about whether we are ready 00:17:03.598 --> 00:17:06.527 to really face our painful emotions, 00:17:06.566 --> 00:17:10.654 to sink into them and to integrate them into our Greater Being, 00:17:10.709 --> 00:17:11.859 - to become whole. 00:17:12.153 --> 00:17:14.351 Or, whether we are not ready to do that 00:17:14.406 --> 00:17:19.145 and instead wish to dis-identify from negative emotions. 00:17:20.383 --> 00:17:24.271 If the decision is to integrate those negative emotions, 00:17:24.319 --> 00:17:27.144 I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: 00:17:27.208 --> 00:17:29.422 "Healing the Emotional Body" 00:17:29.685 --> 00:17:34.225 where I explain exactly how to integrate these negative emotions. 00:17:35.526 --> 00:17:37.288 The next thing we need to do 00:17:37.343 --> 00:17:39.002 is to fall out of love with Pain 00:17:39.073 --> 00:17:43.224 by seeing all the damage that it's actually doing to our lives. 00:17:43.280 --> 00:17:45.375 And then, re-sensitize ourselves 00:17:45.431 --> 00:17:48.907 so that we can feel those positive emotions when they arise 00:17:48.954 --> 00:17:51.002 and then, follow our Joy. 00:17:51.700 --> 00:17:55.700 We need to develop strategies to help our self feel safe. 00:17:56.383 --> 00:17:58.867 The pain has now become 'safety' to you. 00:17:59.097 --> 00:18:02.113 Find other methods for making yourself feel safe. 00:18:02.169 --> 00:18:04.669 Make a list of things that help you to feel safe, 00:18:04.708 --> 00:18:06.049 and pin it up in your house 00:18:06.089 --> 00:18:08.668 and when you feel unsafe go to that list 00:18:08.716 --> 00:18:11.065 and pick something off of it to do. 00:18:12.058 --> 00:18:14.629 If we can, we need to take advantage 00:18:14.677 --> 00:18:17.447 of Somatic Therapy Techniques. 00:18:18.161 --> 00:18:21.867 When we are de-sensitized to Pain because we let it in 00:18:21.907 --> 00:18:23.470 and keep it in, 00:18:23.581 --> 00:18:25.708 we are disconnected from our bodies, 00:18:25.756 --> 00:18:28.454 we're disconnected from the Truth of Ourselves. 00:18:28.692 --> 00:18:31.589 We spend our time in a disembodied state. 00:18:31.653 --> 00:18:35.605 The fifth thing we need to do is to dedicate our life 00:18:35.637 --> 00:18:37.804 to the practice of softness. 00:18:37.859 --> 00:18:41.057 Every decision that you make 00:18:41.256 --> 00:18:43.439 needs to be made according to the question 00:18:43.518 --> 00:18:45.748 'Is it Softer or Harder?'. 00:18:46.042 --> 00:18:46.772 For example: 00:18:46.811 --> 00:18:49.058 Quitting my job - softer or harder? 00:18:49.550 --> 00:18:52.082 The immediate-answer is the correct one. 00:18:52.637 --> 00:18:54.264 We can do this on the level of thought, 00:18:54.335 --> 00:18:56.121 on the level of speech, 00:18:56.185 --> 00:18:57.875 on the level of action. 00:18:58.550 --> 00:19:01.870 Is this thought I'm thinking, softer or harder? 00:19:01.917 --> 00:19:04.449 Is this thing I'm saying, softer or harder? 00:19:04.504 --> 00:19:06.973 Is this thing I'm doing, softer or harder? 00:19:07.020 --> 00:19:10.121 We need to consciously choose the softer path. 00:19:10.596 --> 00:19:13.571 We need to recognize how we're keeping Pain close to us 00:19:13.612 --> 00:19:17.755 by maintaining hardness towards ourselves and towards the world. 00:19:18.191 --> 00:19:20.072 And we need to make different choices 00:19:20.112 --> 00:19:22.485 so that we can become softer instead. 00:19:22.810 --> 00:19:25.278 The sixth thing that we need to do is to look back 00:19:25.318 --> 00:19:29.620 over this itemized list of reasons why we might build a wall 00:19:29.643 --> 00:19:32.611 which lets Pain in and keeps Pain in. 00:19:32.921 --> 00:19:36.913 And, in each scenario, we need to look for the un-met need. 00:19:37.667 --> 00:19:40.397 If we can find different ways to meet those needs, 00:19:40.445 --> 00:19:44.349 we can let go of the pain-strategy that we are currently using. 00:19:44.960 --> 00:19:48.254 Also, take your answers that you gave for the three questions 00:19:48.294 --> 00:19:50.842 which I asked previously in this episode - 00:19:51.048 --> 00:19:53.342 and do the same process. 00:19:53.659 --> 00:19:56.056 Discover, out of your answers, 00:19:56.302 --> 00:19:59.050 what need is actually being met 00:19:59.193 --> 00:20:02.057 by holding on to Pain and by keeping Pain - 00:20:02.081 --> 00:20:04.914 and find different ways to meet those needs 00:20:04.962 --> 00:20:08.854 so that you no longer need that pain-strategy anymore. 00:20:09.105 --> 00:20:11.486 If you are a person who can't seem to stop suffering 00:20:11.534 --> 00:20:14.224 you probably feel like something is wrong with you. 00:20:14.701 --> 00:20:16.391 You have also probably heard people say 00:20:16.409 --> 00:20:17.947 that you must like being depressed, 00:20:17.962 --> 00:20:19.359 or that you're mentally ill, 00:20:19.407 --> 00:20:21.203 or that you have bad karma ... 00:20:21.576 --> 00:20:23.919 I promise you that none of this is the case. 00:20:24.085 --> 00:20:26.355 All that has happened is that your life experience 00:20:26.379 --> 00:20:28.308 has caused you to hold on to pain 00:20:28.339 --> 00:20:30.902 in order to prevent even worse pain. 00:20:31.435 --> 00:20:33.522 In your life, you are driving forwards - 00:20:33.554 --> 00:20:35.514 you cannot help but do so. 00:20:35.608 --> 00:20:37.832 But if you're using pain to prevent future pain, 00:20:37.863 --> 00:20:40.109 you are driving with the parking brake on. 00:20:40.458 --> 00:20:42.133 It is cruelty to expect yourself 00:20:42.165 --> 00:20:44.276 to simply let go of the parking brake - 00:20:44.395 --> 00:20:48.291 after all, it is what has been keeping you safe for so long. 00:20:49.061 --> 00:20:52.434 But the energy it takes to keep that parking brake on, 00:20:52.466 --> 00:20:55.426 regardless of how safe it has made you in the past, 00:20:55.998 --> 00:20:59.927 is preventing you from living a new life. 00:21:00.601 --> 00:21:02.680 I promise you that if you will learn 00:21:02.736 --> 00:21:04.760 how to release that parking brake 00:21:04.895 --> 00:21:07.141 - release that attachment to pain - 00:21:07.323 --> 00:21:09.244 more and more each day, 00:21:09.696 --> 00:21:11.513 you will soon be living a life 00:21:11.553 --> 00:21:14.148 which feels so much better than this. 00:21:14.664 --> 00:21:15.870 Have a good week ... 00:21:15.910 --> 00:22:03.904 ♪ Outtro Music ♪