[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.09,0:00:38.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♪ Intro Music ♪
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.99,0:00:41.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's common for people who have been hurt
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.41,0:00:44.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to build walls between themselves and others.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.51,0:00:47.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These walls are designed to keep Hurt out,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.35,0:00:48.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the downside to them
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.97,0:00:51.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that they also keep positive-feeling things
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.70,0:00:53.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like Love and Happiness out.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.41,0:00:56.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Many experts talk about this kind of Wall,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.59,0:00:59.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the Wall I'm gonna talk to you about today
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.97,0:01:01.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is a different kind of wall -
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.05,0:01:05.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one that's erected by people who are hurt even worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.86,0:01:07.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This wall is designed
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.05,0:01:11.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to keep positive-feeling things like Love, out -
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.92,0:01:14.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but to keep Pain in ...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.20,0:01:18.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There are two kinds of people who erect walls to keep Love out.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.77,0:01:21.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first have been hurt by their connection to other people.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.66,0:01:22.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For this kind of person,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:22.80,0:01:25.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,things like enmeshment and unhealthy co-dependency
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.47,0:01:27.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and guilt-traps made love painful.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.04,0:01:29.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They don't wanna let love in
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.11,0:01:30.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because letting people too close
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.51,0:01:32.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,means getting used or hurt by them.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.83,0:01:36.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They have suffered from incoming boundary-violations.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.62,0:01:39.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second kind of person who erects walls to keep Love out
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.12,0:01:43.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has been hurt by the withdrawal of love by other people,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.14,0:01:44.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the loss of happiness.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.27,0:01:47.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Their lives have been tormented by loss.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.74,0:01:50.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They experienced the loss of love and support and happiness.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.35,0:01:53.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They see happiness and love and support
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.30,0:01:55.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as transient and unpredictable.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.46,0:01:58.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is taken away just as easily as it is given -
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.45,0:02:00.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the trauma of losing it
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.15,0:02:02.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,makes it smart to not become attached to it at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.18,0:02:04.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People who are in this category
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.95,0:02:07.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,cannot receive love and cannot trust happiness.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.00,0:02:10.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, to them, happiness and love do not feel real.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.81,0:02:13.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I wanna focus on for this episode,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.97,0:02:16.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the *other* feature of this wall.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.39,0:02:18.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not the feature that keep Love out,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.77,0:02:21.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the feature that keeps Pain in.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.85,0:02:22.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know what you're thinking -
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.01,0:02:25.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Who on earth would build a wall to keep Pain in?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.50,0:02:29.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The answer is - a great many people, for a great many reasons.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.02,0:02:32.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Multiple studies, (including a very famous study
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.46,0:02:34.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the University of Oslo in Norway)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.91,0:02:37.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,prove that Pain is experienced as pleasant
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.05,0:02:41.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if something that is expected to feel worse (or more painful)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.46,0:02:42.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has been avoided.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.58,0:02:47.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The Subjects in the Pain Studies that were prepared for the worst
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.08,0:02:48.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,felt relieved when they realized
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.82,0:02:51.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the pain was not going to be as bad as they had feared.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.88,0:02:52.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In other words,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.66,0:02:55.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a sense of relief can be powerful enough
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.05,0:02:58.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to turn an obviously negative experience, like pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.57,0:03:02.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into a sensation that is comforting, or even enjoyable.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.53,0:03:03.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can apply this idea
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.71,0:03:05.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to each of the following reasons
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.18,0:03:07.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why we might hold on to pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.98,0:03:10.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I gonna list some of these examples for you now.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:11.34,0:03:14.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.1: The most common reason why we would let Pain in
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.61,0:03:16.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and keep it close to us
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.23,0:03:19.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,begins with a Dynamic in childhood.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.100,0:03:23.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With all people, we learn quite quickly
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.84,0:03:25.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(because of the way that we're raised)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.85,0:03:28.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that children who are bad are punished
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.75,0:03:31.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and children who are good are rewarded.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.49,0:03:37.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now when you're younger, Love is the same as Survival.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.90,0:03:41.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We feel as if abandonment means death.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.12,0:03:43.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we have to keep Love
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.02,0:03:46.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,more than we even need food or water.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.16,0:03:50.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what we're risking by being bad, is death ...
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.92,0:03:53.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we had parents that were hands-off
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.60,0:03:56.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and ignored us when we were happy or, even worse,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.30,0:03:58.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we had parents who were threatened by us feeling good -
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.02,0:04:01.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,parents would become irritated with our energy-level
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.23,0:04:02.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we were happy,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.38,0:04:04.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or who would stop our play to make us do chores,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.95,0:04:07.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or who seemed perturbed by the fun that we got to have,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.91,0:04:11.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, even worse, who actively punished us when we felt good -
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.09,0:04:14.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we got the message that feeling good means being bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.76,0:04:16.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, by the same token,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.73,0:04:18.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if this family that we came into
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.57,0:04:22.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,shows a great deal of attention and support
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.50,0:04:25.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we're feeling pain or when something's going wrong,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.67,0:04:29.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we learn that there must be goodness or virtue in pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.42,0:04:32.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Being bad means being unloved and thus ultimately dying
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.23,0:04:35.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so we began to see feeling bad as good,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.12,0:04:37.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and feeling good as bad ...
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.38,0:04:42.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now before we pin this Dynamic on parents entirely,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.09,0:04:43.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let's take a closer look
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.57,0:04:46.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at the real culprit behind this particular belief -
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.69,0:04:47.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's Religion.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.24,0:04:50.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take a look at the religions around the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.19,0:04:54.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Take a look at just how many of them propagate the idea
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.68,0:04:57.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that there is some kind of virtue in suffering,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.23,0:05:01.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or that the person who suffers the most, is somehow, 'good'.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.12,0:05:04.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanna give you an example
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.31,0:05:06.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of how this particular dynamic plays out.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.74,0:05:10.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some years ago I had a client whose mother was devoutly Catholic.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.53,0:05:12.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So already, before her child was born,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.42,0:05:15.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she had some kind of idea that there is virtue in suffering -
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.48,0:05:17.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just like Jesus Christ did on the Cross.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.39,0:05:21.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When my client was young and she would play and laugh,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.27,0:05:24.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,her mother would be consumed by the fury of not being considered.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.85,0:05:27.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She would become aggravated and send her to her room,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.17,0:05:29.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or remind her of something that would make her sad.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.76,0:05:32.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,However, when she skinned her knee, or got sick, or was bullied,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.26,0:05:34.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,her mother would hold her on her lap and give her a treat.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.38,0:05:38.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Remember that our brain is linked Being Loved to Survival -
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.43,0:05:40.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,needless to say, the only way for this child
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.44,0:05:41.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to remained loved, and therefore, alive
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.99,0:05:43.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was to be unhappy and hurt.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.00,0:05:46.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She began to gravitate towards situations that made her unhappy
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.69,0:05:48.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and towards people who hurt her
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.10,0:05:49.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and even began injuring herself
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.64,0:05:53.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the subconscious attempt to be good and therefore, loved.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.18,0:05:54.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All the way into adulthood,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.29,0:05:57.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she believed that only hurt people deserved to be happy
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.48,0:05:59.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and be loved and supported.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.87,0:06:03.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Her Good-is-Bad and Bad-is-Good Wires were so crossed
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.54,0:06:06.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that she came to me fresh from 7 years spent in an institution
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.18,0:06:08.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for self-harm and multiple suicide attempts.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.38,0:06:10.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This pattern is especially common
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.84,0:06:13.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we grew up in homes with a narcissistic parent.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.96,0:06:15.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Remembering, of course, that a narcissistic parent
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.96,0:06:17.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will never recognize themselves as such
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.78,0:06:20.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and will almost always identify with the exact opposite -
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.93,0:06:22.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,being a completely selfless giver,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.60,0:06:24.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and making you feel guilty for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.33,0:06:28.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,#2: Another reason why we might build a wall
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.72,0:06:31.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that lets Pain in and keeps Pain in
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.48,0:06:34.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is because we feel like we have to remember
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.30,0:06:36.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an aspect of ourselves that we lost ...
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.04,0:06:40.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When someone we love dies,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.14,0:06:41.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we feel like we're betraying them
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.61,0:06:43.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we move on or we get happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.62,0:06:47.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The same idea applies to ourselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.11,0:06:49.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we feel like some aspect of ourselves
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.02,0:06:52.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was so traumatized that it was lost -
Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.62,0:06:56.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we feel as if it is somehow self-betrayal
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.15,0:07:01.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to move forward, to move on, and to be happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.29,0:07:06.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,#3: Another reason is that we might feel
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.13,0:07:10.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like pain is the only thing that we can count on.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.19,0:07:15.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all want a sense of stability and a sense of security.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.44,0:07:19.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We gain that security, for the most part,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.16,0:07:20.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,through a sense of certainty.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.98,0:07:23.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The basic human need of Certainty, simply put,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.47,0:07:27.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the certainty that we can gain pleasure and avoid pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.18,0:07:29.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if we get hurt so often, and disappointed so often,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.63,0:07:31.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we feel as if it is impossible
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.29,0:07:33.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be certain that we can gain pleasure,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.77,0:07:35.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we turn the tables ...
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.67,0:07:38.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We hold on to the only certainty that we have in our lives
Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.16,0:07:39.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is Pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.97,0:07:42.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In our lives, Pain is certain,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.25,0:07:44.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so it feels more real than happiness or love.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.29,0:07:47.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The very knowledge that we can count on it
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.09,0:07:49.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or even choose to consciously perpetuate it
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.78,0:07:52.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,makes us feel a sense of relief.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.16,0:07:54.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How sad is that?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.76,0:07:56.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The only certainty we have of feeling good
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.61,0:07:59.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the feeling of the predictable certainty of pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.78,0:08:02.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We see this so often
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.40,0:08:04.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in people who have been disappointed
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.32,0:08:06.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,again and again in their lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.34,0:08:10.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We keep ourselves low to avoid the climb and the inevitable fall.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.70,0:08:14.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pain is safe because you may be hurting always
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.85,0:08:16.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but you aren't losing anything.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:16.78,0:08:19.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You aren't crushed by the loss of happiness or love.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.94,0:08:23.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,#4: Another reason why we might build a wall
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.54,0:08:26.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is designed to let Pain in and keep Pain in
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.94,0:08:29.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is because we have learnt to distrust
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.84,0:08:32.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,good-feeling things so much
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.07,0:08:35.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that conversely, we have learned to only trust
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.55,0:08:37.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,negative-feeling things.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:37.77,0:08:38.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So often in our lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.95,0:08:42.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're surrounded by people who like to sugar-coat insults.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.29,0:08:44.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The compliment opens a person up
Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.76,0:08:46.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that the insult gets in deeper.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.84,0:08:49.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we had people in our lives who maintained this habit,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.80,0:08:52.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Good was used against us - we started to distrust Good.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.91,0:08:55.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We learned that the Good was not really genuine.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.39,0:08:58.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spoke about this pattern of Good being used against us
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.89,0:09:01.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in my YouTube video titled "How to Receive".
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.03,0:09:04.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If the people in our lives use Love as leverage,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.64,0:09:08.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love & Happiness come with a side-dish of guilt, duty and debt.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.29,0:09:08.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For this reason,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.02,0:09:11.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we feel the only thing we can trust is Pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:11.59,0:09:15.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,#5: We use Pain in order to feel safe -
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.87,0:09:18.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we use it like a kind of buffer.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:18.84,0:09:21.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not only does it prevent us from feeling loss
Dialogue: 0,0:09:21.11,0:09:22.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and prevent us from feeling shock,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.03,0:09:25.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it also acts like a cushion.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.59,0:09:27.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just look at the society we live in -
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.26,0:09:30.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one of the most common sayings we have is
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.34,0:09:32.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.63,0:09:35.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, some of us, take this deeply to heart.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.61,0:09:39.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We try to experience so much pain
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.45,0:09:40.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or to pad ourselves with it,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.96,0:09:42.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or accept so much of it,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.51,0:09:44.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we become strong enough
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.96,0:09:47.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we're impermeable to future pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.17,0:09:51.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're trying to develop an immunity to pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.00,0:09:54.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pain can also increase our self-worth.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.30,0:09:57.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Heroes have to endure extreme pain -
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.82,0:10:00.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so we can keep pain in and propagate it
Dialogue: 0,0:10:00.36,0:10:03.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that we're seen as heroes, by others.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.88,0:10:07.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,#6: Another reason that we might let Pain in, and keep Pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.89,0:10:10.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that we're trying to cry 'Mercy!' to the Universe
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.28,0:10:12.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when It's hurt us again and again.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:12.84,0:10:16.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can use our pain like a white-flag
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.07,0:10:19.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that prevents other people from hurting us.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.39,0:10:22.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The idea is that if I'm already hurt,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.13,0:10:23.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're less tempted to hurt me.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.50,0:10:29.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,#7: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain in
Dialogue: 0,0:10:30.30,0:10:35.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is if we're trying to avoid blame or negative responsibility.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.37,0:10:37.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're exhausted or alone
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.12,0:10:39.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and don't want to take responsibility for yourself
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.22,0:10:41.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because of what taking responsibility for yourself
Dialogue: 0,0:10:41.54,0:10:42.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,might mean to you -
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.87,0:10:46.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pain can be used as a scapegoat for responsibilities.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.29,0:10:47.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We might think that we have to be in pain
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.87,0:10:49.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for others to help us,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.14,0:10:50.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or be kind to us,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.31,0:10:51.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or give us things,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.05,0:10:52.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or let us off the hook,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.37,0:10:54.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or take responsibility for us.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.45,0:10:56.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pain can be a powerful excuse.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.33,0:10:59.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We feel terrible about ourselves when things are our fault,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.94,0:11:01.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially if we were punished for things
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.89,0:11:03.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that were our fault when we were young.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.02,0:11:05.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we don't take responsibility
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.55,0:11:07.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for things that caused us, or other people, pain
Dialogue: 0,0:11:07.75,0:11:10.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we get to feel good about ourselves, still.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.98,0:11:13.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can use pain as a good way to maintain our self-esteem
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.82,0:11:16.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by excusing ourselves from the responsibility
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.18,0:11:18.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of things we did to ourselves or others
Dialogue: 0,0:11:18.07,0:11:19.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in our past.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:20.82,0:11:25.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,#8: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.57,0:11:28.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is because we feel the sensation of relief
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.51,0:11:30.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(or our good-feeling emotions)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.39,0:11:34.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as the result of the removal of pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.64,0:11:35.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The relief that occurs
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.83,0:11:39.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when something that causes acute, intense pain is removed
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.60,0:11:41.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is enough for those of us who are struggling
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.29,0:11:44.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with extreme levels of emotional or physical pain
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.10,0:11:45.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to deliberately let pain into our lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.99,0:11:46.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or cause ourselves pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.87,0:11:49.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that we can feel the relief of that very same pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.32,0:11:52.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Self-injurers are particularly at-risk
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.17,0:11:54.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for this attachment to pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.38,0:11:55.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll give you an example:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.04,0:11:57.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Say that I was to give you a phone call
Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.72,0:12:00.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and tell you that your house is being re-possessed.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:00.86,0:12:03.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then, 15-minutes later, I was gonna call you again
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.15,0:12:04.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and tell you it was a mix-up -
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.71,0:12:08.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the papers just got placed in different places in our office
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.17,0:12:10.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was all a big mistake.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.94,0:12:13.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You would feel the sensation of relief
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.50,0:12:15.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not because I've actually given you good news,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:15.77,0:12:18.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but because I removed the bad news.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.73,0:12:21.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes, if we experience pain in our lives or let it in,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.89,0:12:25.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the rest of our life seems to feel good by comparison.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.81,0:12:28.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We actually feel the relief of experiencing
Dialogue: 0,0:12:28.14,0:12:30.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what was previously experienced as painful
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.68,0:12:33.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because now, it feels good, by comparison.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.64,0:12:38.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,#9: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain in,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.30,0:12:42.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is if we were the 'Identified Patient' in our families.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.76,0:12:46.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The Identified Patient (or the 'IP') is someone within a family,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.86,0:12:48.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,usually a child,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.50,0:12:51.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who is unconsciously selected by the family
Dialogue: 0,0:12:51.39,0:12:55.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to play out the family's internal secret conflicts.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.70,0:12:59.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This serves as a diversion
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.22,0:13:02.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the rest of the family members' own pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:03.93,0:13:08.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The IP is the split-off carrier for the family's disturbances.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:08.40,0:13:10.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Simply-put, the Identified Patient
Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.30,0:13:12.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the scapegoat of the family -
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.44,0:13:14.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they are the family 'problem'.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.48,0:13:17.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The IP is seen as the cause of the painful feelings
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.50,0:13:19.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the other family members.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:20.01,0:13:24.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The IP-child is usually the one whose own personality structure
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.64,0:13:28.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the most invalidating to the personality structure
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.17,0:13:30.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the parents in the household.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.23,0:13:33.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically, the parents are faced with a decision -
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.73,0:13:39.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,either they have to face the negative emotion within themselves
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.64,0:13:42.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the aspects of themselves that feel invalidated,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.60,0:13:45.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, they have to turn against the child
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.37,0:13:47.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and pin the problem on the child,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.19,0:13:50.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,saying that the child is the reason that they feel so bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.45,0:13:52.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By making the child the problem,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:52.75,0:13:54.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they get to see themselves as the victims
Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.70,0:13:56.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and as the philanthropic helpers,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.42,0:13:59.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and thus avoid facing and dealing with their own problems.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.21,0:14:03.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you suspect that you may have been the IP in your family,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.83,0:14:05.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I suggest doing some serious research
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.94,0:14:08.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about the Identified Patient Dynamic.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.75,0:14:11.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we were the Identified Patient,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:11.41,0:14:14.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we've got some very difficult things going on,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:14.50,0:14:16.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,relative to Pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.15,0:14:18.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first is: that our earliest identity
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.06,0:14:21.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the identity of something being wrong with us
Dialogue: 0,0:14:21.75,0:14:25.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the identity of being in pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:25.99,0:14:30.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second is: is that our family relies upon us
Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.30,0:14:32.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,being the problem - that's the only way
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.07,0:14:36.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they get to avoid their own internal conflicts.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.77,0:14:38.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our family depends on us staying
Dialogue: 0,0:14:38.46,0:14:40.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the role of the Identified Patient,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.50,0:14:43.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because the family structure will unravel if we don't.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.58,0:14:45.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If they have to face their own shadows and pain
Dialogue: 0,0:14:45.85,0:14:47.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and stop projecting it onto us,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.80,0:14:50.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they will be miserable and in pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.28,0:14:52.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,After all, we are the ultimate scapegoats.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:52.66,0:14:55.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our family wants to keep us that way.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.68,0:14:57.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They quite literally will do anything,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:57.72,0:14:59.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,including hurt you and abandon you,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:59.49,0:15:00.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to keep you in this role
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.48,0:15:02.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so they can avoid their own pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:03.27,0:15:04.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, isn't that funny?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.91,0:15:06.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To keep their love and support,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:06.62,0:15:08.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and keep the family together,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.50,0:15:11.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we have to keep hurting and keep having problems.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:11.76,0:15:14.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're hurting so that we can be loved.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:15.09,0:15:18.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you suspect that you might have built (subconsciously)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:18.47,0:15:19.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this 'wall' in your life,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.72,0:15:23.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is impenetrable to love and support and happiness,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:23.57,0:15:27.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while on the other hand lets-in pain and insults and injury,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:28.21,0:15:31.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you to ask yourself these questions:
Dialogue: 0,0:15:31.30,0:15:35.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.1: Why do I *need* to be in pain?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:36.87,0:15:41.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.2: What would be so *bad* about being loved?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:41.63,0:15:45.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No.3: What would be so *bad* about being happy,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:45.22,0:15:46.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or feeling good?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:46.76,0:15:48.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we have built this kind of wall in our life
Dialogue: 0,0:15:48.90,0:15:51.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that lets pain in and keeps pain in -
Dialogue: 0,0:15:51.50,0:15:54.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the first thing we need to do is to recognize
Dialogue: 0,0:15:54.77,0:15:57.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that this was an extremely intelligent way
Dialogue: 0,0:15:57.49,0:16:00.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for us to cope with the pain and trauma
Dialogue: 0,0:16:00.50,0:16:03.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we experienced earlier-on in our life.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:04.41,0:16:06.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is not a mess-up on our part.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:07.11,0:16:10.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's something we did for survival.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:10.94,0:16:14.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just the awareness that we have this kind of wall
Dialogue: 0,0:16:14.17,0:16:16.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between ourselves and others,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:16.85,0:16:18.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,puts cracks in the wall
Dialogue: 0,0:16:19.04,0:16:22.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so it can't stand as strong as it once did.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:23.18,0:16:27.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The second thing we need to do is to let good-feeling things,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.25,0:16:30.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like happiness and love, into our life.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:30.37,0:16:32.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for those of you who have a difficult time
Dialogue: 0,0:16:32.28,0:16:34.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,letting positive emotion in,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:34.92,0:16:38.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: "How to Receive".
Dialogue: 0,0:16:39.72,0:16:43.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Another video I want you to watch is called:
Dialogue: 0,0:16:43.04,0:16:46.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"How to Raise Your Frequency and Increase Your Vibration"
Dialogue: 0,0:16:47.71,0:16:50.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you let in positive-feeling things little by little
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.89,0:16:53.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the positive emotion will begin to dilute
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.07,0:16:56.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the negative emotion within you so it doesn't hurt so bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:56.84,0:16:59.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The third thing we need to do is to make a choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:00.38,0:17:03.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need to make a choice about whether we are ready
Dialogue: 0,0:17:03.60,0:17:06.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to really face our painful emotions,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.57,0:17:10.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to sink into them and to integrate them into our Greater Being,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:10.71,0:17:11.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- to become whole.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:12.15,0:17:14.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, whether we are not ready to do that
Dialogue: 0,0:17:14.41,0:17:19.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and instead wish to dis-identify from negative emotions.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:20.38,0:17:24.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If the decision is to integrate those negative emotions,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:24.32,0:17:27.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want you to watch my YouTube video titled:
Dialogue: 0,0:17:27.21,0:17:29.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Healing the Emotional Body"
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.68,0:17:34.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I explain exactly how to integrate these negative emotions.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:35.53,0:17:37.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The next thing we need to do
Dialogue: 0,0:17:37.34,0:17:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to fall out of love with Pain
Dialogue: 0,0:17:39.07,0:17:43.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by seeing all the damage that it's actually doing to our lives.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:43.28,0:17:45.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, re-sensitize ourselves
Dialogue: 0,0:17:45.43,0:17:48.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that we can feel those positive emotions when they arise
Dialogue: 0,0:17:48.95,0:17:51.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then, follow our Joy.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:51.70,0:17:55.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need to develop strategies to help our self feel safe.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:56.38,0:17:58.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The pain has now become 'safety' to you.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:59.10,0:18:02.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Find other methods for making yourself feel safe.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:02.17,0:18:04.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Make a list of things that help you to feel safe,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:04.71,0:18:06.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and pin it up in your house
Dialogue: 0,0:18:06.09,0:18:08.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when you feel unsafe go to that list
Dialogue: 0,0:18:08.72,0:18:11.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and pick something off of it to do.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:12.06,0:18:14.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we can, we need to take advantage
Dialogue: 0,0:18:14.68,0:18:17.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of Somatic Therapy Techniques.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:18.16,0:18:21.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we are de-sensitized to Pain because we let it in
Dialogue: 0,0:18:21.91,0:18:23.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and keep it in,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:23.58,0:18:25.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are disconnected from our bodies,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:25.76,0:18:28.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're disconnected from the Truth of Ourselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:28.69,0:18:31.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We spend our time in a disembodied state.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:31.65,0:18:35.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The fifth thing we need to do is to dedicate our life
Dialogue: 0,0:18:35.64,0:18:37.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the practice of softness.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:37.86,0:18:41.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every decision that you make
Dialogue: 0,0:18:41.26,0:18:43.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,needs to be made according to the question
Dialogue: 0,0:18:43.52,0:18:45.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Is it Softer or Harder?'.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:46.04,0:18:46.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For example:
Dialogue: 0,0:18:46.81,0:18:49.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Quitting my job - softer or harder?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:49.55,0:18:52.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The immediate-answer is the correct one.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:52.64,0:18:54.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can do this on the level of thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:54.34,0:18:56.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the level of speech,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:56.18,0:18:57.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the level of action.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:58.55,0:19:01.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is this thought I'm thinking, softer or harder?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:01.92,0:19:04.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is this thing I'm saying, softer or harder?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:04.50,0:19:06.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is this thing I'm doing, softer or harder?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:07.02,0:19:10.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need to consciously choose the softer path.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:10.60,0:19:13.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need to recognize how we're keeping Pain close to us
Dialogue: 0,0:19:13.61,0:19:17.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by maintaining hardness towards ourselves and towards the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:18.19,0:19:20.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we need to make different choices
Dialogue: 0,0:19:20.11,0:19:22.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that we can become softer instead.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:22.81,0:19:25.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The sixth thing that we need to do is to look back
Dialogue: 0,0:19:25.32,0:19:29.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over this itemized list of reasons why we might build a wall
Dialogue: 0,0:19:29.64,0:19:32.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which lets Pain in and keeps Pain in.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:32.92,0:19:36.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, in each scenario, we need to look for the un-met need.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:37.67,0:19:40.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we can find different ways to meet those needs,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:40.44,0:19:44.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we can let go of the pain-strategy that we are currently using.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:44.96,0:19:48.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Also, take your answers that you gave for the three questions
Dialogue: 0,0:19:48.29,0:19:50.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which I asked previously in this episode -
Dialogue: 0,0:19:51.05,0:19:53.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and do the same process.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:53.66,0:19:56.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Discover, out of your answers,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:56.30,0:19:59.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what need is actually being met
Dialogue: 0,0:19:59.19,0:20:02.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by holding on to Pain and by keeping Pain -
Dialogue: 0,0:20:02.08,0:20:04.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and find different ways to meet those needs
Dialogue: 0,0:20:04.96,0:20:08.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that you no longer need that pain-strategy anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:09.10,0:20:11.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you are a person who can't seem to stop suffering
Dialogue: 0,0:20:11.53,0:20:14.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you probably feel like something is wrong with you.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:14.70,0:20:16.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have also probably heard people say
Dialogue: 0,0:20:16.41,0:20:17.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you must like being depressed,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:17.96,0:20:19.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or that you're mentally ill,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:19.41,0:20:21.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or that you have bad karma ...
Dialogue: 0,0:20:21.58,0:20:23.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I promise you that none of this is the case.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:24.08,0:20:26.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All that has happened is that your life experience
Dialogue: 0,0:20:26.38,0:20:28.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has caused you to hold on to pain
Dialogue: 0,0:20:28.34,0:20:30.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to prevent even worse pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:31.44,0:20:33.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In your life, you are driving forwards -
Dialogue: 0,0:20:33.55,0:20:35.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you cannot help but do so.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:35.61,0:20:37.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if you're using pain to prevent future pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:37.86,0:20:40.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you are driving with the parking brake on.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:40.46,0:20:42.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is cruelty to expect yourself
Dialogue: 0,0:20:42.16,0:20:44.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to simply let go of the parking brake -
Dialogue: 0,0:20:44.40,0:20:48.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after all, it is what has been keeping you safe for so long.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:49.06,0:20:52.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the energy it takes to keep that parking brake on,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:52.47,0:20:55.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,regardless of how safe it has made you in the past,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:55.100,0:20:59.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is preventing you from living a new life.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:00.60,0:21:02.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I promise you that if you will learn
Dialogue: 0,0:21:02.74,0:21:04.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how to release that parking brake
Dialogue: 0,0:21:04.90,0:21:07.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- release that attachment to pain -
Dialogue: 0,0:21:07.32,0:21:09.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,more and more each day,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:09.70,0:21:11.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you will soon be living a life
Dialogue: 0,0:21:11.55,0:21:14.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which feels so much better than this.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:14.66,0:21:15.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Have a good week ...
Dialogue: 0,0:21:15.91,0:22:03.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,♪ Outtro Music ♪