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♪ Intro Music ♪

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It's common for people who have been hurt

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to build walls between themselves and others.

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These walls are designed to keep Hurt out,

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but the downside to them

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is that they also keep positive-feeling things

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like Love and Happiness out.

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Many experts talk about this kind of Wall,

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but the Wall I'm gonna talk to you about today

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is a different kind of wall -

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one that's erected by people who are hurt even worse.

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This wall is designed

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to keep positive-feeling things like Love, out -

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but to keep Pain in ...

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There are two kinds of people who erect walls to keep Love out.

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The first have been hurt by their connection to other people.

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For this kind of person,

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things like enmeshment and unhealthy co-dependency

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and guilt-traps made love painful.

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They don't wanna let love in

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because letting people too close

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means getting used or hurt by them.

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They have suffered from incoming boundary-violations.

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The second kind of person who erects walls to keep Love out

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has been hurt by the withdrawal of love by other people,

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and the loss of happiness.

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Their lives have been tormented by loss.

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They experienced the loss of love and support and happiness.

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They see happiness and love and support

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as transient and unpredictable.

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It is taken away just as easily as it is given -

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and the trauma of losing it

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makes it smart to not become attached to it at all.

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People who are in this category

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cannot receive love and cannot trust happiness.

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In fact, to them, happiness and love do not feel real.

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What I wanna focus on for this episode,

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is the *other* feature of this wall.

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Not the feature that keep Love out,

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but the feature that keeps Pain in.

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I know what you're thinking -

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Who on earth would build a wall to keep Pain in?

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The answer is - a great many people, for a great many reasons.

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Multiple studies, (including a very famous study

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from the University of Oslo in Norway)

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prove that Pain is experienced as pleasant

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if something that is expected to feel worse (or more painful)

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has been avoided.

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The Subjects in the Pain Studies that were prepared for the worst

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felt relieved when they realized

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the pain was not going to be as bad as they had feared.

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In other words,

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a sense of relief can be powerful enough

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to turn an obviously negative experience, like pain,

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into a sensation that is comforting, or even enjoyable.

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You can apply this idea

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to each of the following reasons

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why we might hold on to pain.

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I gonna list some of these examples for you now.

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No.1: The most common reason why we would let Pain in

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and keep it close to us

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begins with a Dynamic in childhood.

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With all people, we learn quite quickly

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(because of the way that we're raised)

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that children who are bad are punished

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and children who are good are rewarded.

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Now when you're younger, Love is the same as Survival.

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We feel as if abandonment means death.

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So we have to keep Love

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more than we even need food or water.

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So what we're risking by being bad, is death ...

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If we had parents that were hands-off

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and ignored us when we were happy or, even worse,

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if we had parents who were threatened by us feeling good -

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parents would become irritated with our energy-level

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when we were happy,

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or who would stop our play to make us do chores,

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or who seemed perturbed by the fun that we got to have,

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or, even worse, who actively punished us when we felt good -

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we got the message that feeling good means being bad.

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And, by the same token,

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if this family that we came into

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shows a great deal of attention and support

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when we're feeling pain or when something's going wrong,

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we learn that there must be goodness or virtue in pain.

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Being bad means being unloved and thus ultimately dying

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and so we began to see feeling bad as good,

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and feeling good as bad ...

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Now before we pin this Dynamic on parents entirely,

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let's take a closer look

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at the real culprit behind this particular belief -

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it's Religion.

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Take a look at the religions around the world.

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Take a look at just how many of them propagate the idea

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that there is some kind of virtue in suffering,

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or that the person who suffers the most, is somehow, 'good'.

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I wanna give you an example

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of how this particular dynamic plays out.

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Some years ago I had a client whose mother was devoutly Catholic.

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So already, before her child was born,

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she had some kind of idea that there is virtue in suffering -

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just like Jesus Christ did on the Cross.

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When my client was young and she would play and laugh,

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her mother would be consumed by the fury of not being considered.

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She would become aggravated and send her to her room,

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or remind her of something that would make her sad.

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However, when she skinned her knee, or got sick, or was bullied,

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her mother would hold her on her lap and give her a treat.

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Remember that our brain is linked Being Loved to Survival -

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needless to say, the only way for this child

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to remained loved, and therefore, alive

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was to be unhappy and hurt.

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She began to gravitate towards situations that made her unhappy

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and towards people who hurt her

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and even began injuring herself

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in the subconscious attempt to be good and therefore, loved.

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All the way into adulthood,

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she believed that only hurt people deserved to be happy

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and be loved and supported.

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Her Good-is-Bad and Bad-is-Good Wires were so crossed

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that she came to me fresh from 7 years spent in an institution

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for self-harm and multiple suicide attempts.

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This pattern is especially common

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if we grew up in homes with a narcissistic parent.

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Remembering, of course, that a narcissistic parent

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will never recognize themselves as such

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and will almost always identify with the exact opposite -

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being a completely selfless giver,

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and making you feel guilty for it.

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#2: Another reason why we might build a wall

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that lets Pain in and keeps Pain in

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is because we feel like we have to remember

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an aspect of ourselves that we lost ...

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When someone we love dies,

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we feel like we're betraying them

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if we move on or we get happy.

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The same idea applies to ourselves.

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When we feel like some aspect of ourselves

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was so traumatized that it was lost -

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we feel as if it is somehow self-betrayal

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to move forward, to move on, and to be happy.

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#3: Another reason is that we might feel

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like pain is the only thing that we can count on.

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We all want a sense of stability and a sense of security.

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We gain that security, for the most part,

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through a sense of certainty.

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The basic human need of Certainty, simply put,

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is the certainty that we can gain pleasure and avoid pain.

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But if we get hurt so often, and disappointed so often,

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that we feel as if it is impossible

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to be certain that we can gain pleasure,

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we turn the tables ...

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We hold on to the only certainty that we have in our lives

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which is Pain.

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In our lives, Pain is certain,

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so it feels more real than happiness or love.

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The very knowledge that we can count on it

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or even choose to consciously perpetuate it

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makes us feel a sense of relief.

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How sad is that?

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The only certainty we have of feeling good

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is the feeling of the predictable certainty of pain.

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We see this so often

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in people who have been disappointed

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again and again in their lives.

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We keep ourselves low to avoid the climb and the inevitable fall.

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Pain is safe because you may be hurting always

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but you aren't losing anything.

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You aren't crushed by the loss of happiness or love.

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#4: Another reason why we might build a wall

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which is designed to let Pain in and keep Pain in

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is because we have learnt to distrust

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good-feeling things so much

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that conversely, we have learned to only trust

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negative-feeling things.

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So often in our lives,

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we're surrounded by people who like to sugar-coat insults.

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The compliment opens a person up

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so that the insult gets in deeper.

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If we had people in our lives who maintained this habit,

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Good was used against us - we started to distrust Good.

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We learned that the Good was not really genuine.

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I spoke about this pattern of Good being used against us

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in my YouTube video titled "How to Receive".

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If the people in our lives use Love as leverage,

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Love & Happiness come with a side-dish of guilt, duty and debt.

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For this reason,

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we feel the only thing we can trust is Pain.

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#5: We use Pain in order to feel safe -

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we use it like a kind of buffer.

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Not only does it prevent us from feeling loss

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and prevent us from feeling shock,

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it also acts like a cushion.

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Just look at the society we live in -

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one of the most common sayings we have is

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'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'.

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And, some of us, take this deeply to heart.

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We try to experience so much pain

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or to pad ourselves with it,

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or accept so much of it,

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that we become strong enough

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that we're impermeable to future pain.

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We're trying to develop an immunity to pain.

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Pain can also increase our self-worth.

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Heroes have to endure extreme pain -

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so we can keep pain in and propagate it

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so that we're seen as heroes, by others.

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#6: Another reason that we might let Pain in, and keep Pain,

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is that we're trying to cry 'Mercy!' to the Universe

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when It's hurt us again and again.

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We can use our pain like a white-flag

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that prevents other people from hurting us.

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The idea is that if I'm already hurt,

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you're less tempted to hurt me.

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#7: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain in

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is if we're trying to avoid blame or negative responsibility.

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If you're exhausted or alone

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and don't want to take responsibility for yourself

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because of what taking responsibility for yourself

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might mean to you -

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Pain can be used as a scapegoat for responsibilities.

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We might think that we have to be in pain

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for others to help us,

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or be kind to us,

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or give us things,

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or let us off the hook,

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or take responsibility for us.

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Pain can be a powerful excuse.

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We feel terrible about ourselves when things are our fault,

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especially if we were punished for things

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that were our fault when we were young.

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When we don't take responsibility

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for things that caused us, or other people, pain

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we get to feel good about ourselves, still.

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We can use pain as a good way to maintain our self-esteem

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by excusing ourselves from the responsibility

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of things we did to ourselves or others

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in our past.

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#8: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain

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is because we feel the sensation of relief

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(or our good-feeling emotions)

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as the result of the removal of pain.

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The relief that occurs

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when something that causes acute, intense pain is removed

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is enough for those of us who are struggling

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with extreme levels of emotional or physical pain

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to deliberately let pain into our lives,

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or cause ourselves pain,

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so that we can feel the relief of that very same pain.

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Self-injurers are particularly at-risk

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for this attachment to pain.

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I'll give you an example:

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Say that I was to give you a phone call

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and tell you that your house is being re-possessed.

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Then, 15-minutes later, I was gonna call you again

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and tell you it was a mix-up -

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the papers just got placed in different places in our office

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and it was all a big mistake.

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You would feel the sensation of relief

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not because I've actually given you good news,

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00:12:15,770 --> 00:12:18,350
but because I removed the bad news.

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Sometimes, if we experience pain in our lives or let it in,

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the rest of our life seems to feel good by comparison.

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We actually feel the relief of experiencing

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what was previously experienced as painful

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because now, it feels good, by comparison.

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#9: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain in,

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is if we were the 'Identified Patient' in our families.

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The Identified Patient (or the 'IP') is someone within a family,

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usually a child,

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00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:51,333
who is unconsciously selected by the family

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to play out the family's internal secret conflicts.

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This serves as a diversion

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00:12:59,215 --> 00:13:02,731
from the rest of the family members' own pain.

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The IP is the split-off carrier for the family's disturbances.

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Simply-put, the Identified Patient

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is the scapegoat of the family -

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they are the family 'problem'.

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The IP is seen as the cause of the painful feelings

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of the other family members.

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The IP-child is usually the one whose own personality structure

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00:13:24,643 --> 00:13:28,127
is the most invalidating to the personality structure

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00:13:28,167 --> 00:13:30,524
of the parents in the household.

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Basically, the parents are faced with a decision -

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either they have to face the negative emotion within themselves

286
00:13:39,643 --> 00:13:42,500
and the aspects of themselves that feel invalidated,

287
00:13:42,596 --> 00:13:45,310
or, they have to turn against the child

288
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,142
and pin the problem on the child,

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saying that the child is the reason that they feel so bad.

290
00:13:50,453 --> 00:13:52,675
By making the child the problem,

291
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they get to see themselves as the victims

292
00:13:54,699 --> 00:13:56,366
and as the philanthropic helpers,

293
00:13:56,421 --> 00:13:59,484
and thus avoid facing and dealing with their own problems.

294
00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:03,794
If you suspect that you may have been the IP in your family,

295
00:14:03,834 --> 00:14:05,882
I suggest doing some serious research

296
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about the Identified Patient Dynamic.

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If we were the Identified Patient,

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00:14:11,413 --> 00:14:14,421
we've got some very difficult things going on,

299
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:16,079
relative to Pain.

300
00:14:16,151 --> 00:14:18,992
The first is: that our earliest identity

301
00:14:19,056 --> 00:14:21,659
is the identity of something being wrong with us

302
00:14:21,746 --> 00:14:25,095
and the identity of being in pain.

303
00:14:25,992 --> 00:14:30,249
The second is: is that our family relies upon us

304
00:14:30,297 --> 00:14:32,995
being the problem - that's the only way

305
00:14:33,067 --> 00:14:36,440
that they get to avoid their own internal conflicts.

306
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Our family depends on us staying

307
00:14:38,463 --> 00:14:40,455
in the role of the Identified Patient,

308
00:14:40,495 --> 00:14:43,480
because the family structure will unravel if we don't.

309
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:45,805
If they have to face their own shadows and pain

310
00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,735
and stop projecting it onto us,

311
00:14:47,797 --> 00:14:50,186
they will be miserable and in pain.

312
00:14:50,281 --> 00:14:52,591
After all, we are the ultimate scapegoats.

313
00:14:52,662 --> 00:14:55,583
Our family wants to keep us that way.

314
00:14:55,678 --> 00:14:57,662
They quite literally will do anything,

315
00:14:57,717 --> 00:14:59,423
including hurt you and abandon you,

316
00:14:59,487 --> 00:15:00,448
to keep you in this role

317
00:15:00,479 --> 00:15:02,495
so they can avoid their own pain.

318
00:15:03,273 --> 00:15:04,670
So, isn't that funny?

319
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To keep their love and support,

320
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and keep the family together,

321
00:15:08,495 --> 00:15:11,471
we have to keep hurting and keep having problems.

322
00:15:11,765 --> 00:15:14,503
We're hurting so that we can be loved.

323
00:15:15,090 --> 00:15:18,384
If you suspect that you might have built (subconsciously)

324
00:15:18,471 --> 00:15:19,709
this 'wall' in your life,

325
00:15:19,725 --> 00:15:23,336
which is impenetrable to love and support and happiness,

326
00:15:23,567 --> 00:15:27,940
while on the other hand lets-in pain and insults and injury,

327
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I want you to ask yourself these questions:

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No.1: Why do I *need* to be in pain?

329
00:15:36,868 --> 00:15:41,043
No.2: What would be so *bad* about being loved?

330
00:15:41,630 --> 00:15:45,170
No.3: What would be so *bad* about being happy,

331
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or feeling good?

332
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If we have built this kind of wall in our life

333
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:51,432
that lets pain in and keeps pain in -

334
00:15:51,495 --> 00:15:54,717
the first thing we need to do is to recognize

335
00:15:54,773 --> 00:15:57,447
that this was an extremely intelligent way

336
00:15:57,487 --> 00:16:00,455
for us to cope with the pain and trauma

337
00:16:00,503 --> 00:16:03,725
that we experienced earlier-on in our life.

338
00:16:04,408 --> 00:16:06,868
This is not a mess-up on our part.

339
00:16:07,106 --> 00:16:10,368
It's something we did for survival.

340
00:16:10,939 --> 00:16:14,138
Just the awareness that we have this kind of wall

341
00:16:14,170 --> 00:16:16,226
between ourselves and others,

342
00:16:16,852 --> 00:16:18,995
puts cracks in the wall

343
00:16:19,043 --> 00:16:22,321
so it can't stand as strong as it once did.

344
00:16:23,177 --> 00:16:27,201
The second thing we need to do is to let good-feeling things,

345
00:16:27,249 --> 00:16:30,122
like happiness and love, into our life.

346
00:16:30,368 --> 00:16:32,233
But for those of you who have a difficult time

347
00:16:32,281 --> 00:16:34,591
letting positive emotion in,

348
00:16:34,916 --> 00:16:38,797
I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: "How to Receive".

349
00:16:39,717 --> 00:16:43,004
Another video I want you to watch is called:

350
00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:46,408
"How to Raise Your Frequency and Increase Your Vibration"

351
00:16:47,709 --> 00:16:50,852
If you let in positive-feeling things little by little

352
00:16:50,892 --> 00:16:53,035
the positive emotion will begin to dilute

353
00:16:53,066 --> 00:16:56,543
the negative emotion within you so it doesn't hurt so bad.

354
00:16:56,836 --> 00:16:59,812
The third thing we need to do is to make a choice.

355
00:17:00,384 --> 00:17:03,313
We need to make a choice about whether we are ready

356
00:17:03,598 --> 00:17:06,527
to really face our painful emotions,

357
00:17:06,566 --> 00:17:10,654
to sink into them and to integrate them into our Greater Being,

358
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- to become whole.

359
00:17:12,153 --> 00:17:14,351
Or, whether we are not ready to do that

360
00:17:14,406 --> 00:17:19,145
and instead wish to dis-identify from negative emotions.

361
00:17:20,383 --> 00:17:24,271
If the decision is to integrate those negative emotions,

362
00:17:24,319 --> 00:17:27,144
I want you to watch my YouTube video titled:

363
00:17:27,208 --> 00:17:29,422
"Healing the Emotional Body"

364
00:17:29,685 --> 00:17:34,225
where I explain exactly how to integrate these negative emotions.

365
00:17:35,526 --> 00:17:37,288
The next thing we need to do

366
00:17:37,343 --> 00:17:39,002
is to fall out of love with Pain

367
00:17:39,073 --> 00:17:43,224
by seeing all the damage that it's actually doing to our lives.

368
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,375
And then, re-sensitize ourselves

369
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:48,907
so that we can feel those positive emotions when they arise

370
00:17:48,954 --> 00:17:51,002
and then, follow our Joy.

371
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:55,700
We need to develop strategies to help our self feel safe.

372
00:17:56,383 --> 00:17:58,867
The pain has now become 'safety' to you.

373
00:17:59,097 --> 00:18:02,113
Find other methods for making yourself feel safe.

374
00:18:02,169 --> 00:18:04,669
Make a list of things that help you to feel safe,

375
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,049
and pin it up in your house

376
00:18:06,089 --> 00:18:08,668
and when you feel unsafe go to that list

377
00:18:08,716 --> 00:18:11,065
and pick something off of it to do.

378
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:14,629
If we can, we need to take advantage

379
00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:17,447
of Somatic Therapy Techniques.

380
00:18:18,161 --> 00:18:21,867
When we are de-sensitized to Pain because we let it in

381
00:18:21,907 --> 00:18:23,470
and keep it in,

382
00:18:23,581 --> 00:18:25,708
we are disconnected from our bodies,

383
00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:28,454
we're disconnected from the Truth of Ourselves.

384
00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:31,589
We spend our time in a disembodied state.

385
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:35,605
The fifth thing we need to do is to dedicate our life

386
00:18:35,637 --> 00:18:37,804
to the practice of softness.

387
00:18:37,859 --> 00:18:41,057
Every decision that you make

388
00:18:41,256 --> 00:18:43,439
needs to be made according to the question

389
00:18:43,518 --> 00:18:45,748
'Is it Softer or Harder?'.

390
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:46,772
For example:

391
00:18:46,811 --> 00:18:49,058
Quitting my job - softer or harder?

392
00:18:49,550 --> 00:18:52,082
The immediate-answer is the correct one.

393
00:18:52,637 --> 00:18:54,264
We can do this on the level of thought,

394
00:18:54,335 --> 00:18:56,121
on the level of speech,

395
00:18:56,185 --> 00:18:57,875
on the level of action.

396
00:18:58,550 --> 00:19:01,870
Is this thought I'm thinking, softer or harder?

397
00:19:01,917 --> 00:19:04,449
Is this thing I'm saying, softer or harder?

398
00:19:04,504 --> 00:19:06,973
Is this thing I'm doing, softer or harder?

399
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:10,121
We need to consciously choose the softer path.

400
00:19:10,596 --> 00:19:13,571
We need to recognize how we're keeping Pain close to us

401
00:19:13,612 --> 00:19:17,755
by maintaining hardness towards ourselves and towards the world.

402
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,072
And we need to make different choices

403
00:19:20,112 --> 00:19:22,485
so that we can become softer instead.

404
00:19:22,810 --> 00:19:25,278
The sixth thing that we need to do is to look back

405
00:19:25,318 --> 00:19:29,620
over this itemized list of reasons why we might build a wall

406
00:19:29,643 --> 00:19:32,611
which lets Pain in and keeps Pain in.

407
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:36,913
And, in each scenario, we need to look for the un-met need.

408
00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:40,397
If we can find different ways to meet those needs,

409
00:19:40,445 --> 00:19:44,349
we can let go of the pain-strategy that we are currently using.

410
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,254
Also, take your answers that you gave for the three questions

411
00:19:48,294 --> 00:19:50,842
which I asked previously in this episode -

412
00:19:51,048 --> 00:19:53,342
and do the same process.

413
00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:56,056
Discover, out of your answers,

414
00:19:56,302 --> 00:19:59,050
what need is actually being met

415
00:19:59,193 --> 00:20:02,057
by holding on to Pain and by keeping Pain -

416
00:20:02,081 --> 00:20:04,914
and find different ways to meet those needs

417
00:20:04,962 --> 00:20:08,854
so that you no longer need that pain-strategy anymore.

418
00:20:09,105 --> 00:20:11,486
If you are a person who can't seem to stop suffering

419
00:20:11,534 --> 00:20:14,224
you probably feel like something is wrong with you.

420
00:20:14,701 --> 00:20:16,391
You have also probably heard people say

421
00:20:16,409 --> 00:20:17,947
that you must like being depressed,

422
00:20:17,962 --> 00:20:19,359
or that you're mentally ill,

423
00:20:19,407 --> 00:20:21,203
or that you have bad karma ...

424
00:20:21,576 --> 00:20:23,919
I promise you that none of this is the case.

425
00:20:24,085 --> 00:20:26,355
All that has happened is that your life experience

426
00:20:26,379 --> 00:20:28,308
has caused you to hold on to pain

427
00:20:28,339 --> 00:20:30,902
in order to prevent even worse pain.

428
00:20:31,435 --> 00:20:33,522
In your life, you are driving forwards -

429
00:20:33,554 --> 00:20:35,514
you cannot help but do so.

430
00:20:35,608 --> 00:20:37,832
But if you're using pain to prevent future pain,

431
00:20:37,863 --> 00:20:40,109
you are driving with the parking brake on.

432
00:20:40,458 --> 00:20:42,133
It is cruelty to expect yourself

433
00:20:42,165 --> 00:20:44,276
to simply let go of the parking brake -

434
00:20:44,395 --> 00:20:48,291
after all, it is what has been keeping you safe for so long.

435
00:20:49,061 --> 00:20:52,434
But the energy it takes to keep that parking brake on,

436
00:20:52,466 --> 00:20:55,426
regardless of how safe it has made you in the past,

437
00:20:55,998 --> 00:20:59,927
is preventing you from living a new life.

438
00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:02,680
I promise you that if you will learn

439
00:21:02,736 --> 00:21:04,760
how to release that parking brake

440
00:21:04,895 --> 00:21:07,141
- release that attachment to pain -

441
00:21:07,323 --> 00:21:09,244
more and more each day,

442
00:21:09,696 --> 00:21:11,513
you will soon be living a life

443
00:21:11,553 --> 00:21:14,148
which feels so much better than this.

444
00:21:14,664 --> 00:21:15,870
Have a good week ...

445
00:21:15,910 --> 00:22:03,904
♪ Outtro Music ♪