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♪ Intro Music ♪

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It's common for people who have been hurt

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to build walls between themselves and others.

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These walls are designed to keep Hurt out,

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but the downside to them

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is that they also keep positive-feeling things

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like Love and Happiness out.

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Many experts talk about this kind of Wall,

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but the Wall I'm gonna talk to you about today

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is a different kind of wall -

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one that's erected by people who are hurt even worse.

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This wall is designed

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to keep positive-feeling things like Love, out -

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but to keep Pain in ...

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There are two kinds of people who erect walls to keep Love out.

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The first have been hurt by their connection to other people.

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For this kind of person,

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things like enmeshment and unhealthy co-dependency

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and guilt-traps made love painful.

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They don't wanna let love in

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because letting people too close

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means getting used or hurt by them.

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They have suffered from incoming boundary-violations.

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The second kind of person who erects walls to keep Love out

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has been hurt by the withdrawal of love by other people,

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and the loss of happiness.

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Their lives have been tormented by loss.

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They experienced the loss of love and support and happiness.

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They see happiness and love and support

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as transient and unpredictable.

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It is taken away just as easily as it is given -

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and the trauma of losing it

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makes it smart to not become attached to it at all.

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People who are in this category

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cannot receive love and cannot trust happiness.

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In fact, to them, happiness and love do not feel real.

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What I wanna focus on for this episode,

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is the *other* feature of this wall.

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Not the feature that keep Love out,

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but the feature that keeps Pain in.

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I know what you're thinking -

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Who on earth would build a wall to keep Pain in?

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The answer is - a great many people, for a great many reasons.

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Multiple studies, (including a very famous study

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from the University of Oslo in Norway)

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prove that Pain is experienced as pleasant

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if something that is expected to feel worse (or more painful)

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has been avoided.

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The Subjects in the Pain Studies that were prepared for the worst

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felt relieved when they realized

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the pain was not going to be as bad as they had feared.

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In other words,

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a sense of relief can be powerful enough

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to turn an obviously negative experience, like pain,

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into a sensation that is comforting, or even enjoyable.

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You can apply this idea

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to each of the following reasons

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why we might hold on to pain.

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I gonna list some of these examples for you now.

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No.1: The most common reason why we would let Pain in

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and keep it close to us

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begins with a Dynamic in childhood.

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With all people, we learn quite quickly

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(because of the way that we're raised)

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that children who are bad are punished

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and children who are good are rewarded.

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Now when you're younger, Love is the same as Survival.

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We feel as if abandonment means death.

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So we have to keep Love

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more than we even need food or water.

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So what we're risking by being bad, is death ...

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If we had parents that were hands-off

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and ignored us when we were happy or, even worse,

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if we had parents who were threatened by us feeling good -

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parents would become irritated with our energy-level

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when we were happy,

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or who would stop our play to make us do chores,

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or who seemed perturbed by the fun that we got to have,

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or, even worse, who actively punished us when we felt good -

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we got the message that feeling good means being bad.

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And, by the same token,

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if this family that we came into

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shows a great deal of attention and support

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when we're feeling pain or when something's going wrong,

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we learn that there must be goodness or virtue in pain.

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Being bad means being unloved and thus ultimately dying

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and so we began to see feeling bad as good,

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and feeling good as bad ...

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Now before we pin this Dynamic on parents entirely,

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let's take a closer look

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at the real culprit behind this particular belief -

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it's Religion.

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Take a look at the religions around the world.

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Take a look at just how many of them propagate the idea

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that there is some kind of virtue in suffering,

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or that the person who suffers the most, is somehow, 'good'.

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I wanna give you an example

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of how this particular dynamic plays out.

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Some years ago I had a client whose mother was devoutly Catholic.

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So already, before her child was born,

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she had some kind of idea that there is virtue in suffering -

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just like Jesus Christ did on the Cross.

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When my client was young and she would play and laugh,

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her mother would be consumed by the fury of not being considered.

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She would become aggravated and send her to her room,

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or remind her of something that would make her sad.

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However, when she skinned her knee, or got sick, or was bullied,

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her mother would hold her on her lap and give her a treat.

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Remember that our brain is linked Being Loved to Survival -

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needless to say, the only way for this child

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to remained loved, and therefore, alive

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was to be unhappy and hurt.

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She began to gravitate towards situations that made her unhappy

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and towards people who hurt her

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and even began injuring herself

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in the subconscious attempt to be good and therefore, loved.

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All the way into adulthood,

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she believed that only hurt people deserved to be happy

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and be loved and supported.

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Her Good-is-Bad and Bad-is-Good Wires were so crossed

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that she came to me fresh from 7 years spent in an institution

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for self-harm and multiple suicide attempts.

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This pattern is especially common

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if we grew up in homes with a narcissistic parent.

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Remembering, of course, that a narcissistic parent

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will never recognize themselves as such

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and will almost always identify with the exact opposite -

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being a completely selfless giver,

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and making you feel guilty for it.

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#2: Another reason why we might build a wall

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that lets Pain in and keeps Pain in

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is because we feel like we have to remember

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an aspect of ourselves that we lost ...

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When someone we love dies,

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we feel like we're betraying them

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if we move on or we get happy.

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The same idea applies to ourselves.

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When we feel like some aspect of ourselves

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was so traumatized that it was lost -

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we feel as if it is somehow self-betrayal

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to move forward, to move on, and to be happy.

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#3: Another reason is that we might feel

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like pain is the only thing that we can count on.

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We all want a sense of stability and a sense of security.

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We gain that security, for the most part,

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through a sense of certainty.

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The basic human need of Certainty, simply put,

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is the certainty that we can gain pleasure and avoid pain.

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But if we get hurt so often, and disappointed so often,

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that we feel as if it is impossible

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to be certain that we can gain pleasure,

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we turn the tables ...

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We hold on to the only certainty that we have in our lives

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which is Pain.

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In our lives, Pain is certain,

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so it feels more real than happiness or love.

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The very knowledge that we can count on it

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or even choose to consciously perpetuate it

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makes us feel a sense of relief.

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How sad is that?

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The only certainty we have of feeling good

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is the feeling of the predictable certainty of pain.

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We see this so often

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in people who have been disappointed

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again and again in their lives.

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We keep ourselves low to avoid the climb and the inevitable fall.

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Pain is safe because you may be hurting always

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but you aren't losing anything.

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You aren't crushed by the loss of happiness or love.

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#4: Another reason why we might build a wall

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which is designed to let Pain in and keep Pain in

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is because we have learnt to distrust

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good-feeling things so much

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that conversely, we have learned to only trust

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negative-feeling things.

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So often in our lives,

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we're surrounded by people who like to sugar-coat insults.

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The compliment opens a person up

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so that the insult gets in deeper.

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If we had people in our lives who maintained this habit,

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Good was used against us - we started to distrust Good.

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We learned that the Good was not really genuine.

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I spoke about this pattern of Good being used against us

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in my YouTube video titled "How to Receive".

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If the people in our lives use Love as leverage,

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Love & Happiness come with a side-dish of guilt, duty and debt.

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For this reason,

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we feel the only thing we can trust is Pain.

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#5: We use Pain in order to feel safe -

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we use it like a kind of buffer.

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Not only does it prevent us from feeling loss

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and prevent us from feeling shock,

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it also acts like a cushion.

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Just look at the society we live in -

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one of the most common sayings we have is

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'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'.

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And, some of us, take this deeply to heart.

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We try to experience so much pain

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or to pad ourselves with it,

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or accept so much of it,

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that we become strong enough

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that we're impermeable to future pain.

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We're trying to develop an immunity to pain.

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Pain can also increase our self-worth.

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Heroes have to endure extreme pain -

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so we can keep pain in and propagate it

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so that we're seen as heroes, by others.

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#6: Another reason that we might let Pain in, and keep Pain,

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is that we're trying to cry 'Mercy!' to the Universe

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when It's hurt us again and again.

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We can use our pain like a white-flag

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that prevents other people from hurting us.

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The idea is that if I'm already hurt,

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you're less tempted to hurt me.

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#7: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain in

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is if we're trying to avoid blame or negative responsibility.

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If you're exhausted or alone

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and don't want to take responsibility for yourself

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because of what taking responsibility for yourself

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might mean to you -

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Pain can be used as a scapegoat for responsibilities.

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We might think that we have to be in pain

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for others to help us,

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or be kind to us,

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or give us things,

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or let us off the hook,

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or take responsibility for us.

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Pain can be a powerful excuse.

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We feel terrible about ourselves when things are our fault,

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especially if we were punished for things

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that were our fault when we were young.

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When we don't take responsibility

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for things that caused us, or other people, pain

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we get to feel good about ourselves, still.

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We can use pain as a good way to maintain our self-esteem

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by excusing ourselves from the responsibility

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of things we did to ourselves or others

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in our past.

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#8: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain

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is because we feel the sensation of relief

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(or our good-feeling emotions)

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as the result of the removal of pain.

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The relief that occurs

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when something that causes acute, intense pain is removed

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is enough for those of us who are struggling

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with extreme levels of emotional or physical pain

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to deliberately let pain into our lives,

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or cause ourselves pain,

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so that we can feel the relief of that very same pain.

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Self-injurers are particularly at-risk

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for this attachment to pain.

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I'll give you an example:

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Say that I was to give you a phone call

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and tell you that your house is being re-possessed.

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Then, 15-minutes later, I was gonna call you again

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and tell you it was a mix-up -

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the papers just got placed in different places in our office

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and it was all a big mistake.

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You would feel the sensation of relief

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not because I've actually given you good news,

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but because I removed the bad news.

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Sometimes, if we experience pain in our lives or let it in,

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the rest of our life seems to feel good by comparison.

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We actually feel the relief of experiencing

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what was previously experienced as painful

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because now, it feels good, by comparison.

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#9: Another reason why we might let Pain in, and keep Pain in,

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is if we were the 'Identified Patient' in our families.

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The Identified Patient (or the 'IP') is someone within a family,

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usually a child,

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who is unconsciously selected by the family

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to play out the family's internal secret conflicts.

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This serves as a diversion

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from the rest of the family members' own pain.

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The IP is the split-off carrier for the family's disturbances.

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Simply-put, the Identified Patient

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is the scapegoat of the family -

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they are the family 'problem'.

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The IP is seen as the cause of the painful feelings

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of the other family members.

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The IP-child is usually the one whose own personality structure

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is the most invalidating to the personality structure

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of the parents in the household.

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Basically, the parents are faced with a decision -

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either they have to face the negative emotion within themselves

0:13:39.643,0:13:42.500
and the aspects of themselves that feel invalidated,

0:13:42.596,0:13:45.310
or, they have to turn against the child

0:13:45.366,0:13:47.142
and pin the problem on the child,

0:13:47.190,0:13:50.072
saying that the child is the reason that they feel so bad.

0:13:50.453,0:13:52.675
By making the child the problem,

0:13:52.754,0:13:54.651
they get to see themselves as the victims

0:13:54.699,0:13:56.366
and as the philanthropic helpers,

0:13:56.421,0:13:59.484
and thus avoid facing and dealing with their own problems.

0:14:00.207,0:14:03.794
If you suspect that you may have been the IP in your family,

0:14:03.834,0:14:05.882
I suggest doing some serious research

0:14:05.937,0:14:08.183
about the Identified Patient Dynamic.

0:14:08.746,0:14:11.214
If we were the Identified Patient,

0:14:11.413,0:14:14.421
we've got some very difficult things going on,

0:14:14.500,0:14:16.079
relative to Pain.

0:14:16.151,0:14:18.992
The first is: that our earliest identity

0:14:19.056,0:14:21.659
is the identity of something being wrong with us

0:14:21.746,0:14:25.095
and the identity of being in pain.

0:14:25.992,0:14:30.249
The second is: is that our family relies upon us

0:14:30.297,0:14:32.995
being the problem - that's the only way

0:14:33.067,0:14:36.440
that they get to avoid their own internal conflicts.

0:14:36.772,0:14:38.408
Our family depends on us staying

0:14:38.463,0:14:40.455
in the role of the Identified Patient,

0:14:40.495,0:14:43.480
because the family structure will unravel if we don't.

0:14:43.582,0:14:45.805
If they have to face their own shadows and pain

0:14:45.852,0:14:47.735
and stop projecting it onto us,

0:14:47.797,0:14:50.186
they will be miserable and in pain.

0:14:50.281,0:14:52.591
After all, we are the ultimate scapegoats.

0:14:52.662,0:14:55.583
Our family wants to keep us that way.

0:14:55.678,0:14:57.662
They quite literally will do anything,

0:14:57.717,0:14:59.423
including hurt you and abandon you,

0:14:59.487,0:15:00.448
to keep you in this role

0:15:00.479,0:15:02.495
so they can avoid their own pain.

0:15:03.273,0:15:04.670
So, isn't that funny?

0:15:04.908,0:15:06.583
To keep their love and support,

0:15:06.622,0:15:08.376
and keep the family together,

0:15:08.495,0:15:11.471
we have to keep hurting and keep having problems.

0:15:11.765,0:15:14.503
We're hurting so that we can be loved.

0:15:15.090,0:15:18.384
If you suspect that you might have built (subconsciously)

0:15:18.471,0:15:19.709
this 'wall' in your life,

0:15:19.725,0:15:23.336
which is impenetrable to love and support and happiness,

0:15:23.567,0:15:27.940
while on the other hand lets-in pain and insults and injury,

0:15:28.209,0:15:31.074
I want you to ask yourself these questions:

0:15:31.305,0:15:35.963
No.1: Why do I *need* to be in pain?

0:15:36.868,0:15:41.043
No.2: What would be so *bad* about being loved?

0:15:41.630,0:15:45.170
No.3: What would be so *bad* about being happy,

0:15:45.217,0:15:46.519
or feeling good?

0:15:46.757,0:15:48.860
If we have built this kind of wall in our life

0:15:48.900,0:15:51.432
that lets pain in and keeps pain in -

0:15:51.495,0:15:54.717
the first thing we need to do is to recognize

0:15:54.773,0:15:57.447
that this was an extremely intelligent way

0:15:57.487,0:16:00.455
for us to cope with the pain and trauma

0:16:00.503,0:16:03.725
that we experienced earlier-on in our life.

0:16:04.408,0:16:06.868
This is not a mess-up on our part.

0:16:07.106,0:16:10.368
It's something we did for survival.

0:16:10.939,0:16:14.138
Just the awareness that we have this kind of wall

0:16:14.170,0:16:16.226
between ourselves and others,

0:16:16.852,0:16:18.995
puts cracks in the wall

0:16:19.043,0:16:22.321
so it can't stand as strong as it once did.

0:16:23.177,0:16:27.201
The second thing we need to do is to let good-feeling things,

0:16:27.249,0:16:30.122
like happiness and love, into our life.

0:16:30.368,0:16:32.233
But for those of you who have a difficult time

0:16:32.281,0:16:34.591
letting positive emotion in,

0:16:34.916,0:16:38.797
I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: "How to Receive".

0:16:39.717,0:16:43.004
Another video I want you to watch is called:

0:16:43.043,0:16:46.408
"How to Raise Your Frequency and Increase Your Vibration"

0:16:47.709,0:16:50.852
If you let in positive-feeling things little by little

0:16:50.892,0:16:53.035
the positive emotion will begin to dilute

0:16:53.066,0:16:56.543
the negative emotion within you so it doesn't hurt so bad.

0:16:56.836,0:16:59.812
The third thing we need to do is to make a choice.

0:17:00.384,0:17:03.313
We need to make a choice about whether we are ready

0:17:03.598,0:17:06.527
to really face our painful emotions,

0:17:06.566,0:17:10.654
to sink into them and to integrate them into our Greater Being,

0:17:10.709,0:17:11.859
- to become whole.

0:17:12.153,0:17:14.351
Or, whether we are not ready to do that

0:17:14.406,0:17:19.145
and instead wish to dis-identify from negative emotions.

0:17:20.383,0:17:24.271
If the decision is to integrate those negative emotions,

0:17:24.319,0:17:27.144
I want you to watch my YouTube video titled:

0:17:27.208,0:17:29.422
"Healing the Emotional Body"

0:17:29.685,0:17:34.225
where I explain exactly how to integrate these negative emotions.

0:17:35.526,0:17:37.288
The next thing we need to do

0:17:37.343,0:17:39.002
is to fall out of love with Pain

0:17:39.073,0:17:43.224
by seeing all the damage that it's actually doing to our lives.

0:17:43.280,0:17:45.375
And then, re-sensitize ourselves

0:17:45.431,0:17:48.907
so that we can feel those positive emotions when they arise

0:17:48.954,0:17:51.002
and then, follow our Joy.

0:17:51.700,0:17:55.700
We need to develop strategies to help our self feel safe.

0:17:56.383,0:17:58.867
The pain has now become 'safety' to you.

0:17:59.097,0:18:02.113
Find other methods for making yourself feel safe.

0:18:02.169,0:18:04.669
Make a list of things that help you to feel safe,

0:18:04.708,0:18:06.049
and pin it up in your house

0:18:06.089,0:18:08.668
and when you feel unsafe go to that list

0:18:08.716,0:18:11.065
and pick something off of it to do.

0:18:12.058,0:18:14.629
If we can, we need to take advantage

0:18:14.677,0:18:17.447
of Somatic Therapy Techniques.

0:18:18.161,0:18:21.867
When we are de-sensitized to Pain because we let it in

0:18:21.907,0:18:23.470
and keep it in,

0:18:23.581,0:18:25.708
we are disconnected from our bodies,

0:18:25.756,0:18:28.454
we're disconnected from the Truth of Ourselves.

0:18:28.692,0:18:31.589
We spend our time in a disembodied state.

0:18:31.653,0:18:35.605
The fifth thing we need to do is to dedicate our life

0:18:35.637,0:18:37.804
to the practice of softness.

0:18:37.859,0:18:41.057
Every decision that you make

0:18:41.256,0:18:43.439
needs to be made according to the question

0:18:43.518,0:18:45.748
'Is it Softer or Harder?'.

0:18:46.042,0:18:46.772
For example:

0:18:46.811,0:18:49.058
Quitting my job - softer or harder?

0:18:49.550,0:18:52.082
The immediate-answer is the correct one.

0:18:52.637,0:18:54.264
We can do this on the level of thought,

0:18:54.335,0:18:56.121
on the level of speech,

0:18:56.185,0:18:57.875
on the level of action.

0:18:58.550,0:19:01.870
Is this thought I'm thinking, softer or harder?

0:19:01.917,0:19:04.449
Is this thing I'm saying, softer or harder?

0:19:04.504,0:19:06.973
Is this thing I'm doing, softer or harder?

0:19:07.020,0:19:10.121
We need to consciously choose the softer path.

0:19:10.596,0:19:13.571
We need to recognize how we're keeping Pain close to us

0:19:13.612,0:19:17.755
by maintaining hardness towards ourselves and towards the world.

0:19:18.191,0:19:20.072
And we need to make different choices

0:19:20.112,0:19:22.485
so that we can become softer instead.

0:19:22.810,0:19:25.278
The sixth thing that we need to do is to look back

0:19:25.318,0:19:29.620
over this itemized list of reasons why we might build a wall

0:19:29.643,0:19:32.611
which lets Pain in and keeps Pain in.

0:19:32.921,0:19:36.913
And, in each scenario, we need to look for the un-met need.

0:19:37.667,0:19:40.397
If we can find different ways to meet those needs,

0:19:40.445,0:19:44.349
we can let go of the pain-strategy that we are currently using.

0:19:44.960,0:19:48.254
Also, take your answers that you gave for the three questions

0:19:48.294,0:19:50.842
which I asked previously in this episode -

0:19:51.048,0:19:53.342
and do the same process.

0:19:53.659,0:19:56.056
Discover, out of your answers,

0:19:56.302,0:19:59.050
what need is actually being met

0:19:59.193,0:20:02.057
by holding on to Pain and by keeping Pain -

0:20:02.081,0:20:04.914
and find different ways to meet those needs

0:20:04.962,0:20:08.854
so that you no longer need that pain-strategy anymore.

0:20:09.105,0:20:11.486
If you are a person who can't seem to stop suffering

0:20:11.534,0:20:14.224
you probably feel like something is wrong with you.

0:20:14.701,0:20:16.391
You have also probably heard people say

0:20:16.409,0:20:17.947
that you must like being depressed,

0:20:17.962,0:20:19.359
or that you're mentally ill,

0:20:19.407,0:20:21.203
or that you have bad karma ...

0:20:21.576,0:20:23.919
I promise you that none of this is the case.

0:20:24.085,0:20:26.355
All that has happened is that your life experience

0:20:26.379,0:20:28.308
has caused you to hold on to pain

0:20:28.339,0:20:30.902
in order to prevent even worse pain.

0:20:31.435,0:20:33.522
In your life, you are driving forwards -

0:20:33.554,0:20:35.514
you cannot help but do so.

0:20:35.608,0:20:37.832
But if you're using pain to prevent future pain,

0:20:37.863,0:20:40.109
you are driving with the parking brake on.

0:20:40.458,0:20:42.133
It is cruelty to expect yourself

0:20:42.165,0:20:44.276
to simply let go of the parking brake -

0:20:44.395,0:20:48.291
after all, it is what has been keeping you safe for so long.

0:20:49.061,0:20:52.434
But the energy it takes to keep that parking brake on,

0:20:52.466,0:20:55.426
regardless of how safe it has made you in the past,

0:20:55.998,0:20:59.927
is preventing you from living a new life.

0:21:00.601,0:21:02.680
I promise you that if you will learn

0:21:02.736,0:21:04.760
how to release that parking brake

0:21:04.895,0:21:07.141
- release that attachment to pain -

0:21:07.323,0:21:09.244
more and more each day,

0:21:09.696,0:21:11.513
you will soon be living a life

0:21:11.553,0:21:14.148
which feels so much better than this.

0:21:14.664,0:21:15.870
Have a good week ...

0:21:15.910,0:22:03.904
♪ Outtro Music ♪