WEBVTT

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We're living in a post-tidying society.

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Everyone, including me, has a story
about de-cluttering their home.

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Gathering all of their possessions
into the middle of the floor,

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deciding what brings joy,

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and then bidding farewell
to a set of spatulas

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in pursuit of a calmer, happier life.

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But what if we could gather up
all of the other stuff -

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tasks, events, obligations relationships -

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and drop it at the kerb
without a single regret?

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And by doing so,

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be free to focus our time,
energy, and money

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on the stuff that really makes us happy?

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Well, I figured out how to do it.

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It is great, and I call it,

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"The life-changing magic
of not giving a fuck."

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(Cheers) (Applause)

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I hope you'll excuse my language because
there is more where that came from.

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Before I can teach you
how to stop giving a fuck,

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we have to talk about what it means
to give one in the first place.

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'Giving a fuck' means you care, right?

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So when I say, "I don't give a fuck
about 'Game of Thrones,'"

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I mean, "I don't care
about 'Game of Thrones.'"

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(Laughter)

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Now, let's take the concept
a step further.

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Let's define your 'fucks'
as your time, energy, and money.

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(Laughter)

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If you don't care about something, 
you should stop giving your fucks to it.

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I don't care about 'Game of Thrones'
so I don't spend time watching it;

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I don't spend energy wondering
where the next season is going;

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and I don't spend my money on the books, 
merchandise, or anything Westeros related.

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'Game of Thrones'
does not get any of my fucks.

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(Laughter)

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Make sense?

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By making these calculated decisions,

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you wind up with more time,
energy, and money

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to spend on the things
you really do care about.

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And I call that "making a fuck budget."

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(Laughter)

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I'll get back to fuck budgets in a minute,
but first, I want to tell you a little bit

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about how the life-changing magic
of not giving a fuck happened to me.

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Two and a half years ago,

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I was a senior editor
at a major New York publishing house.

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I had spent 15 years
clawing my way up the corporate ladder,

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I had a roster of best-selling authors,

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and everything I always thought I wanted
from my career was coming to pass.

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But I was really, really unhappy.

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The kind of unhappy that makes it hard
to get out of bed in the morning;

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the kind of unhappy that makes it hard
to commute 45 minutes on the NYC subway;

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and hard to spend eight - ten hours
at your desk before turning around,

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going home, and doing it all over again.

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So, I quit.

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And making that decision
was also really hard.

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A lot of red wine, a lot of tears.

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But what came after I quit
was nothing short of life-changing.

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Once I removed myself
from the culture and lifestyle

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of a job that had been
making me so unhappy,

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I was free to focus my time and energy
on what would make me happy -

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including working,
but just in a different way -

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and eventually, on moving
from Brooklyn to a tropical island.

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I stopped giving my fucks to working
for a corporation, wearing pants,

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and taking those long subway commutes.

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And I started giving my fucks
to working for myself, wearing bikinis,

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and taking long walks on the beach.

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I'm telling you, life changing.

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(Laughter)

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But none of that change happened
because I had tidied up my apartment.

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It happened because I cleared out my mind.

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Let me try and explain.

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Imagine your mind is a barn,

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and inside it is are all of the things
that bring you joy,

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but also, all of the stuff
that annoys you.

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The potential for a happy life is there,

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but you have to clear out the annoy
to make room for the joy.

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This is mental de-cluttering,
and it is magical.

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I did it by accident when I quit my job,
but it was so amazing

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that I developed a way for you
to do it on purpose.

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I call it "the not sorry method."

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It has two steps.

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Step one: Decide what
you don't give a fuck about.

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Step two: Don't give a fuck
about those things.

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(Laughter)

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Simple, right?

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But I know what you're thinking:


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This sounds like a recipe
for turning into an asshole.

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(Laughter)

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It's okay, I get that a lot.

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But that's where
the "not sorry" part comes in.

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My method is all about not giving a fuck
using honesty and politeness.

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So in the end,
you don't have to feel guilty.

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You are on your best behavior, 
and you have nothing to apologize for.

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You are quite literally not sorry.

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You're also not an asshole.

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So how might the not sorry
method work for you?

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Well, let's say, you love
'Game of Thrones'

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and you've been invited
to a Sunday night dinner party

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that interferes with watching
your favorite show.

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You feel bad about
turning down the invite,

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but you really love 'Game of Thrones,'

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and you don't want to record it
to watch later because... spoilers.

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Well, you only have so much time, energy,
and money to spend on Sunday night.

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So, you need to consult your fuck budget.

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(Laughter)

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Decide which activity brings more joy


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and allocate your fuck bucks accordingly.

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(Laughter)

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I'm telling you,

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if you respond in a timely fashion,

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"No thanks, can't make it
to that dinner party,"

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you've done nothing wrong.

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You were honest, you were polite,
and you don't have to be sorry about it.

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And that's just the tip of the fuck-berg.

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(Laughter)

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You can apply the "not sorry"
method to anything:

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tasks, events, obligations, even people.

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You start by making a list of everything
that's cluttering up your mental barn;

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all of the impositions on your time,
energy, and money;

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the fucks you're being asked to give.

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To keep it manageable, I go by category.

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So for example, work is one category,

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and five fucks on your list might be
mandatory meetings, conference calls,

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your coworkers charity half-marathon,

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a going away party for a coworker
you don't even like,

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and doing your actual job.

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(Laughter)

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Once you've listed them all out,
you perform the "not sorry" method.

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Step one: Decide what annoys you.

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Non-essential stuff you don't care about.

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Step two: Stop giving your fucks
in the form of time, energy, and money

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to those things.

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Then cross them off your list
with a big black marker.

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It feels good, just go with it.

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(Laughter)

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What I'm saying is, yes, you may have to
get up and go to work every day,

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and you may have to attend
some mandatory meetings.

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But you do not have to attend
a going away party

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for a colleague you don't even like.

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But if you are still having trouble
not giving that fuck?

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I recommend a visualization exercise.

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Picture how you're going to feel
when you walk into that party:

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annoyed or full of joy?

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(Laughter)

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It's been a long day, your feet hurt,


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you don't love socializing
with your colleagues at the office,

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let alone at a shitty bar.

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(Laughter)

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You really don't love pitchers
of warm Coors Light.

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So, what should you do?

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RSVP 'No' of course.

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Why would you spend your fuck bucks
or your actual bucks on this party?

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I'll tell you why.

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You do it because you feel
obligated and guilty.

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You are psyching yourself out
of a perfectly fine response, "No,"

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before you even try it.

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Most people just don't think
this stuff through.

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They say "Yes" to things
like this right away,

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then wind up wasting time,
energy, and money

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on an annoying, unenjoyable night out.

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You waste even more time and energy
just dreading the party a week beforehand.

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And even more, trying to come up with ways
to weasel out of your commitment,

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then worrying you'll be seen as an asshole
for bailing at the last minute.

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And honestly?

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If you do bail at the last minute,

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having never intended
to go in the first place,

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then you are an asshole.

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And you should feel bad about it.

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(Laughter)

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Instead, pause;

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visualize;

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and say a timely, polite,
"No, thanks. Can't make it."

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This is how you stop
spending time you don't have,

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with people you don't like,

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doing things you don't want to do.

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You'll be less busy,
less burdened, less annoyed.

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You'll have so much more time,
energy, and money,

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and you will wonder why you didn't stop
going to baby showers ten years ago.

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(Laughter)

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But look.

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You don't have to quit your job and escape
to a tropical island like I did.

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You can make massive,
liberating, meaningful change

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just by clearing out your mental barn,
making a fuck budget,

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and sticking to it.

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You don't have to organize a yard sale.

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You just have to say
the words "No, thank you."

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"I don't have time."

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"I can't afford it."

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You can even say, "I don't want to."

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The world will not end.

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This is you being honest and polite.

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No fucks given, not sorry.

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The life-changing magic
is right there for the taking.

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To be honest, de-cluttering your house
only takes about a week.

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Then it lasts one or two.

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But mental de-cluttering?

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Learning how to say "No," set boundaries,
and give fewer, better fucks?

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That lasts forever.

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Thank you.

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(Cheers) (Applause)