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If you want to achieve your goals
don't focus on them.

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That goes against everything
we have ever said about goals, right?

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Everything everyone
ever talked about goals,

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is you pick out what it is you want to do,
you set your goals, you write them down,

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you stay focused on them,
you check your list over and over again,

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you come back to it,
and that's how you achieve your goals.

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What I have learned
over the course of my life,

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and watching other people,
and studying other things,

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is that that's not the way
to achieve goals.

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We all talk about setting goals,

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but we don't talk that much
about how do you actually achieve goals.

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So, I started learning this lesson
with my first girlfriend in life.

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Her name was Lasandra Johnson.

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You guys, who has never seen Lasandra,
you have to take my word for it;

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she was the most beautiful 6th grader
God has ever created. (Laughter)

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And for the record,
I was in the 6th grade too.

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(Laughter)

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I used to look at this girl
and think every day,

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"I would love for LaSandra
to be my girlfriend."

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But I was young, and I was afraid,
so I didn't go to say anything to her.

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But one day I was standing
on the playground during recess,

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I don't know where
the courage came from,

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but I decided today is the day,
I wasn't going to wait another day.

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I turned to my buddy,
John Statura, and I said,

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"John, go ask Lasandra to go with me."

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(Laughter)

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So he goes walking over to her,
and he poses the question,

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her little group of friends giggles,
she says something back.

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He comes walking back to me, he says,

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"Reggie, Lasandra said,
if you want her to be your girlfriend,

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you got to ask her yourself."

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(Laughter)

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But I am in 6th grade, I sent my best man.
What does she want? (Laughter)

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But there was no way
I was going to ask her myself,

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so I continued to think about her
for the rest of that school year.

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Summer brake came,
and I thought about Lasandra Johnson

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every day of the summer brake.

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The next year was 7th grade,
and at my school,

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you had a different class every hour,
and lockers between classes.

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For the first hour I had Woodshop.
Lasandra had Home Economics.

41
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At my school, you're allowed
to change one class

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as long as the class
you are moving out of

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met at the same time
as the class you're moving in to.

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So, I walked into
the principal's office and said,

45
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"I'd like to change
from Woodshop to Home Economics."

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(Laughter)

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I walk into a Home Ec room,
there are 22-23 girls in this classroom,

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one boy named Jurgen Kuhn and now, me.

49
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I asked the girl named
Tara Virgamini to move over

50
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so I could sit next to Lasandra Johnson,

51
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and that day I asked her
to go with me, myself.

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(Laughter)

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Thank you.

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(Applause)

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Thank you.

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She said, "No."

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(Laughter)

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That was my first lesson
on the prerogative of women

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that would be many more,

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but, making a long story short,

61
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Lasandra did end up
becoming my girlfriend

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for two weeks and three days
later in that school year

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(Laughter)

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but I tell this story because that's
the first time in my life

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that I can say that I purposely focused
on the part that was in my control

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and ignored the part
that was outside of my control;

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that was the first time in my life

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that I purposely focused
on my behaviors rather than my goal.

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We set goals for ourselves,

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but our goals are things
that are outside of our control.

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Whatever it is you want
to achieve in your life.

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If you are a student
and you want to get an A in a class,

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that's outside of your control,

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you don't get to write A's
on all of your papers,

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you have a teacher
who is going to grade these papers,

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give you assignments,

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somebody else is setting the curriculum,
somebody else is grading you,

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you don't control what your grade is.

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If you want to be
the world's best salesman,

80
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you don't get to make
all the sales yourself,

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you don't get to do
both sides of the transaction,

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you have to recruit
customers into your life.

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Goals require you to have
the participation of other people,

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therefore, they are
outside of your control.

85
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So, if you spend too much time
focusing on your goals,

86
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you'll never achieve them.

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Behaviors, by contrast,
are things that you alone can do,

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it doesn't take a parent,
a teacher, a coach, a friend,

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a neighbor, a spouse, a child;
it doesn't require anyone else,

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you alone can do behaviors,

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and behaviors are
the things that you focus on

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in order to achieve your goals.

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And looking at the situation
with Lasandra Johnson and I:

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when I was focused on my goal,

95
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which was to have this girl
to be my girlfriend,

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I couldn't speak to her
if I was walking past her in the hallway.

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In my head all the time it was,

98
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"Lasandra is cute,
I want her to be my girlfriend.

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Lasandra is cute,
I want her to be my girlfriend."

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We're walking past her in the hallway,
I'd turn the other way. (Laughter)

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I wouldn't even say "Hello" to her,

102
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because I was terrified,
all I could think about was my goal.

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When she told my friend John,

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"If Reggie wants me to be his girlfriend,
he got to ask me himself," I heard, "Yes".

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(Laughter)

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So, I stopped thinking about the goal,

107
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the goal had already been achieved,

108
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I came back to focusing on my behaviors.

109
00:05:06,962 --> 00:05:09,091
Once I started focusing on my behaviors,

110
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I figured out what class
she had at first hour,

111
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I learned the rules at our school
about changing classes,

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I went to the principal's office
talking to adults,

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"Hey, listen, I got to change classes,
I got a girl to catch."

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(Laughter)

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I walked into
the Home Ec room, full of girls.

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I was afraid to talk to one girl,
now there is a room full of girls,

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and I was like, "Ladies, I am here."

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(Laughter)

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I asked Tara to move over
so I could sit next to Lasandra,

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and she did!

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I had a little swagger to me
because I heard, "Yes."

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And when I heard yes,
I stopped focusing on the goal

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and I started focusing on my behavior,

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and I got myself
into a position to achieve my goal.

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She said no at that time,
but later she said yes.

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Years later, when I looked back
and thought about that, I thought,

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"That's really the model for what
happens in life, it's a metaphor."

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If you think about what we all go through,
say, weight loss.

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We all were on a diet
at one point or another

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- I am on one now, involuntarily,
my wife has put me on one -

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but we all were on a diet
at one point or another.

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And how does a diet start?
It starts with a goal.

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You say, "I want to lose
10 pounds by the end of the year."

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OK, that's great, you have a goal.

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If you stay focused on that goal,
you will never lose 10 pounds.

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Because what the next thing we do?

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We go from our goal to the scale.

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We say, "OK, I am going
to step on the scale.

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Scale, please tell me
if I've lost any of these 10 pounds.

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Oh, I haven't lost any.
I've gained a pound. OK." (Laughter)

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And we keep coming back to the scale,

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and you go through a week
where you eat well, you're exercising,

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you're drinking a lot of water,
you're doing all the right things,

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and you get on the scale, and you've
gained weight; you quit the diet.

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If you focus on your goal,
you won't achieve it.

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Instead, you have to focus
on your behaviors,

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your behaviors
are what is in your control:

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you control the food
that you put in your mouth,

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you control the liquids
that you put in your mouth,

150
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you control how much exercise you do,

151
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you control how you feel
about the weight that you are,

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you control how you feel about
the amount of food that you're eating,

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you can either feel
deprived and miserable,

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"Oh my God!
It's the worst day in the world.

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I'm eating less than I used to eat.
I'm starving all the time.

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I feel miserable. I can't believe
I've almost died. It's awful!"

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Or you can say, "I'm proud of myself.

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I’m eating less than I used to eat,
I have this instead of that, I feel good.

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I know that if I keep this up,
when I get on the scale,

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the scale is going
to tell me something good.

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If it doesn't tell me
something good right now,

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I know if I keep this up,
I'm going to get where I'm going."

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Right now, we treat the scales
as if it is an oracle sent down from God

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to tell us about ourselves. (Laughter)

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When you are on a diet,
it is like, "Oh, mighty Oracle,

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please tell me what I should think
about myself today!"

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- "You're fat!"
- "Ooh!"

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(Laughter)

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The Oracle has spoken.

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If you focus too much on your goal,
if you focus on what it is you weigh,

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then you're never going
to achieve your goal.

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You have to focus on your behaviors.

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Think about our kids.

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We have goals for our kids:
we want our kids to be responsible,

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we want them to be mature,
we want them to work hard in school,

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to work hard at their extra curricula,
to hang out with the right people,

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we want them to be engaged.

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We want all these
wonderful things for our kids,

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and because we want these things for them,

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because we're focused
on those goals for them,

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we spent most of our time
as parents being agitated,

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"Why are you doing that?
Told you not to do that.

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Get over here. Do your homework.
What? You're only on one page in?

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I told you to get your homework done!"

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And we spend all our time
fussing, and fussing, and fussing

186
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because these kids won't do
what we have in mind for them

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in terms of our goals;
we're focused on our goal.

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If you're focused on your goal,
you'll never achieve it.

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You have to focus on your behaviors.

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Behaviors are things
that are in your control solely.

191
00:09:00,745 --> 00:09:03,634
So, you can't control what your kids do.

192
00:09:03,635 --> 00:09:06,284
You can control
your reaction to your kids,

193
00:09:06,285 --> 00:09:10,073
you control rewards,
you control consequences,

194
00:09:10,074 --> 00:09:12,479
you control your consistency,

195
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,973
you control whether you deliver
on the things you said you're going to do,

196
00:09:15,973 --> 00:09:19,606
you control what you respond to
your kids at a level 10 or a level 3,

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00:09:19,607 --> 00:09:21,165
you control what you control.

198
00:09:21,166 --> 00:09:23,750
And when you focus
on the part that is in your control,

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which is your behaviors,
you tend to achieve your goals.

200
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So, how does this work?

201
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The way that I do it in my life:

202
00:09:30,112 --> 00:09:32,940
when I set a goal for myself,

203
00:09:32,941 --> 00:09:36,542
I make a goal, and I say,
"I want to lose 10 pounds."

204
00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:40,243
So, then, I immediately look and say,
"Behaviors are very short-term.

205
00:09:40,244 --> 00:09:44,982
I only believe that I can control
my behaviors for 7 days, that's it."

206
00:09:44,983 --> 00:09:46,704
So, when I sat a goal, I say,

207
00:09:46,705 --> 00:09:50,153
"What can I do today that is going
to help me to get closer to that goal?

208
00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:53,704
What can I do tomorrow that is going
to help me to get closer to that goal?

209
00:09:53,705 --> 00:09:57,532
And what can I do this week that is going
to get me closer to that goal?"

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Today, tomorrow, and this week.

211
00:10:00,268 --> 00:10:02,985
I write things down 
in those three categories

212
00:10:02,986 --> 00:10:06,560
and plan out how I'm going to go
after the goals that I have in my life.

213
00:10:06,561 --> 00:10:08,751
And that keeps me focused
on my behaviors,

214
00:10:08,752 --> 00:10:11,535
and I know that if I focus
on my behaviors day after day,

215
00:10:11,536 --> 00:10:13,571
I keep myself motivated day after day,

216
00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:17,071
I feel good about what I've done
because I say, "I did this, I did that,"

217
00:10:17,072 --> 00:10:20,422
I'm not worried about the goal,
I'm not worried about how much I weigh,

218
00:10:20,422 --> 00:10:23,911
I'm not worried how many sales I've made,
I'm not worried about anything

219
00:10:23,912 --> 00:10:25,518
- that is outside of my control -

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I'm focused 100% on the part
that is in my control.

221
00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:32,793
If you want to achieve your goals,
don't focus on them.

222
00:10:32,794 --> 00:10:36,523
If you want to achieve your goals,
you have to focus on the behaviors

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00:10:36,524 --> 00:10:39,156
that are the building blocks
that get you to your goals.

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00:10:39,156 --> 00:10:40,704
Thank you very much. (Applause)